Not every actor is a man. And not every actor that is a man acts with manliness both on and off the screen. But, these actors encompass what it means to be hard working, ambitious heroes in the manliest ways possible; in fiction and reality.

8 Sean Connery

On screen: He’s the original James Bond, Indiana Jones’ father, and that dude from The Rock that once said, “You’ll do your best? Only losers say they’ll do their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”



Off screen: He was knighted for his services to England (so make sure to address him as “Sir Sean Connery”) and his accent is one of the highest emulated and most recognizable in the world.

7 Christopher Lee

On screen: This 89 year-old has been acting for over 50 years and has played such weighty roles as Dracula, the dark Jedi Count Dooku from Star Wars Episodes I-III and the wizard Saruman in the Lord of the Rings movies.



Off screen: Just a couple of years ago this badass senior citizen collaborated with other musicians to create and release a symphonic metal album, chronicling the life of Charlemagne. Does your grandpa put out metal albums? I didn’t think so.

6 Harrison Ford

On screen: He’s Han Solo, Indiana Jones, the President, and the Fugitive. Harrison Ford has lent his knowledge of crafting a story and adding believability to many important roles he’s played.



Off screen: He rides a motorcycle, engages in environmental conservatism, pilots various aircraft (even rescuing a hiker who got lost and became disoriented a few years back), and is married to a woman almost 20 years his junior. And at age 69, he can still kick your ass.

5 Daniel Craig

On screen: He’s been James Bond, an amnesia-afflicted cowboy, a fierce Nazi killer, and more.



Off screen: He looks like he wants to kill you even when he’s smiling. Plus, he’s married to the gorgeous Rachel Weisz.

4 Arnold Schwarzenegger

On screen: Arnold has the most kills of any actor, possibly in just a single one of his movies. (Obviously, I’m referring to Kindergarten Cop. Brutal.)



Off screen: He was the goddamn governor of California for 8 years. Oh, and there’s an iPhone app available with loads of his quotes from various films.

3 Jason Statham

On screen: He got his star power by playing different versions of crazy British ninja hit men and outlaws, most notably as Frank Martin in The Transporter trilogy.



Off screen: Before acting, Jason was a diver for the British National Diving Squad, finishing 12th in the 1992 World Championships. He has also studied Wing Chun, kung fu, kickboxing and karate. And it shows. (Plus he’s dating a Victoria’s Secret supermodel.)

2 Bruce Willis

On screen: He’s unbreakable, John McClane, and plenty of other bald (or balding) toughies.



Off screen: In 2002, Willis purchased 12,000 boxes of girl scout cookies at the request of his daughter to send to the American Navy in the Middle East… serious father of the year points.



In 2007 Willis, doing some of his own stunts in Live Free or Die Hard sustained an injury above his right eye that showed exposed bone which he brushed off as “no big deal”… serious horrifying wound points.

1 Sylvester Stallone

On screen: Rocky and Rambo; enough said.



Off screen: At ages 60, 62 and 64, Sly Stallone played Rocky, Rambo, and Barney Ross (from The Expendables), respectively. These movies not only showed off his massively impressive blood, sweat and tears physique, but also the dedication to his characters and the stories he’s crafted for them.



Originally published on October 7, 2011.

The first Expendables was good. The second one is going to be great. If you disagree, I’ll have your balls. While the initial movie had a great cast, it could have been way more over the top. With action stars of this caliber, you owe it to the audience to ]]>

The first Expendables was good. The second one is going to be great. If you disagree, I’ll have your balls. While the initial movie had a great cast, it could have been way more over the top. With action stars of this caliber, you owe it to the audience to pack every scene with furious violence and wisecracks. Anything else is an insult to our sensibilities. That’s why it’s so nice to see the new trailer for Expendables 2 drop chock-full of crazy-ass destruction. Opens August 17th.

When I think of Arnold Schwarzenegger movies that need sequels, Twins is pretty low on the list. Like behind Junior and Last Action Hero. There’s no director attached, or even a script, but since when has that stopped the movie industry from pouring money down the ]]>

When I think of Arnold Schwarzenegger movies that need sequels, Twins is pretty low on the list. Like behind Junior and Last Action Hero. There’s no director attached, or even a script, but since when has that stopped the movie industry from pouring money down the toilet hole. The Hollywood Reporter is Hollywood reporting that Universal Pictures is signing deals for Triplets, a sequel to 1988′s Twins. Stars Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger are back playing brothers Julius and Vincent, created in a lab by weird science. But here’s the big twist: there’s another brother! And he’s a brother! Eddie Murphy is also attached to the project.

Listen, I don’t have anything against Twins. It was a perfectly capable late 80s comedy. But I don’t think anybody on Earth is going to claim it as their favorite movie. Why does there need to be a sequel? It’s ridiculous to beg for originality in a world where we’re making movies based on Milton Bradley board games, but can we be a little less embarrassing?

Two game related items that have to do with an old Schwarzenegger film in a span of 24 hours? It’s just one of those days, I guess.

The following is yet another mod that demonstrates that Grand Theft Auto 4 for the PC truly is the most versatile ]]>

Two game related items that have to do with an old Schwarzenegger film in a span of 24 hours? It’s just one of those days, I guess.

The following is yet another mod that demonstrates that Grand Theft Auto 4 for the PC truly is the most versatile game in recent memory. Or, at least offers the kinds of flexibility that matters to regular folks like you and me; I know already that much more can, and perhaps has been done with Second Life. But who the hell wants to deal with furries?

Granted, it’s not quite as fleshed out as one might hope. Meaning, you don’t start out as Arnold, and how bits and pieces of his flesh don’t deteriorate as he gets shot, to reveal the T-800 underneath. But it’s still pretty neat nonetheless.

It’s also a reminder of how there honestly hasn’t been any good Terminator games, like ever. There’s certainly been a few, but if they were actually any good, I’m pretty sure we would be able to remember it. At least that one game in which he faces off against Robocop was “interesting”…

You seriously can’t make stuff like this up.

Variety is the spice of life, and sometimes liking two completely different things… such as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s earliest, and arguably best comedy, plus Konami’s very first stab at the survival horror franchise… can result in a completely wild and coincidental discovery, if ]]>

You seriously can’t make stuff like this up.

Variety is the spice of life, and sometimes liking two completely different things… such as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s earliest, and arguably best comedy, plus Konami’s very first stab at the survival horror franchise… can result in a completely wild and coincidental discovery, if the stars are lined just right.

“Giromancy,” a member of the Silent Hill Heaven, is a perfect example. His affinity for both is how he came to the conclusion that the school in the aforementioned game is based upon the one found in the aforementioned movie. Want evidence? See for yourself, and prepare to have your mind blown…

Remember kids: if you’re making a game and have decide to model a location with something that happens to be playing on HBO that very moment (or whatever equivalent they have in Japan), there will be someone on the internet who will sniff it out.

Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes you forget to close the gas cap on your car or you forget to give the teller back her pen at the bank, and sometimes you forget to wrap your junk up and end up trying to avoid the mother of your bastard child and ]]>

Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes you forget to close the gas cap on your car or you forget to give the teller back her pen at the bank, and sometimes you forget to wrap your junk up and end up trying to avoid the mother of your bastard child and her persistent attorneys. It happens. But when famous people make mistakes, the whole world ends up knowing about it –- eventually, anyway. And enough famous people have made that age old mistake of not properly sheathing their sword that we thought we’d take a look at some of these famous deadbeat dads. Why? Cheap content? Perhaps. Or maybe, just maybe, we here at Guyism believe in a better world, and that children everywhere should have the right to know their fathers. Yeah… that’s it. Unless of course, one of us happens to be that father, in which case, we would tell you the same thing we told the judge: that bitch is lying, your honor! Ahem, anyway, let’s just get on with this, our look at nine famous men who fathered love children.

9 Steven Tyler
Way back in the day –- waaaaaay back –- that weird old lady from American Idol used to be a rock star. Really! And not just a rock star but the lead singer for Aerosmith, considered by many to be the American version of the Rolling Stones. Naturally, Steven Tyler took advantage of his rock god status to have sex with as many women as he possibly could. It is the American dream, after all. So, really, it was only a matter of time before Tyler knocked up one (or two, or three, or…) of his conquests. It just so happens that the woman he impregnated was a model named Bebe Buell –- who was also famous for shacking up with rocker Todd Rundgren -– and nine months after they banged like monkeys in heat, a little girl named Liv arrived on the scene. Since Buell was with Rundgren, she decided to just raise the child with him while Steven was busy gallivanting across the world with Joe Perry, a clown car full of heroin and a tour bus full of exotic whores. Smart choice. But all it took was a backstage visit by the young Liv to realize the truth about her famous father and it wasn’t long before she became famous herself, as actress Liv Tyler. Today, the two seem to have a good, genuine father-daughter relationship, which I’m sure is helped immeasurably by the fact that they can share a wardrobe and that Steven, as an old lady himself now, understands what it’s like to be a single woman in this topsy-turvy world.

8 Chuck Norris
If you believe everything you read on the Internet -– and really, why wouldn’t you –- Chuck Norris can do literally anything and everything. Except for buying condoms, anyway. Indeed. It would seem that way back in 1962, while serving in the air force, Norris cheated on his wife and the result was a little girl named Dina. Of course, by the time the little girl was born, Norris had karate kicked the girl’s mother to the curb so it wasn’t until 1991 that Norris, who is deeply religious, found out that he had a love child after Dina wrote to him. To his credit, Norris embraced the girl –- well, woman actually -– and according to him she is very much a part of his life. It’s a good thing, though, that Chuck isn’t the sort to tell other people how to live their lives up on his moral high horse, or else that would be really, really awkward. Oh wait…

7 Gavin Rossdale
Rossdale, the lead singer for the band Bush –- although you might know him better today as Mr. Gwen Stefani -– had a quickie with a friend of his named Pearl Lowe. Awww, that’s nice. Well, except for the fact that Lowe was already in a relationship with some other dude. Oops. When a baby showed up, Lowe assumed that her boyfriend was the father and went on thinking that until she realized that her little girl seemed a little, uh, too Rossdaleish (Rossdaley? Rossdalesque?) One paternity test later and Rossdale found out that he was a deadbeat dad. Years later, that little girl grew up to be a fashion model by the name of Daisy Lowe and Rossdale was forced to explain to his new wife that, when it came to him and Pearl, there had been a lack of adequate Chemicals Between Us and that he wished that she would have just Swallowed instead. Jesus, I’m sorry, that was terrible. As jokes go, I probably should have aborted that one. Eh? Eh? Sigh.

6 Strom Thurmond
This one is just hilarious/terrible, depending on how awful a person you are. Yes, it would seem that Strom Thurmond, noted segregationist, had fathered a child way back in 1925 with a black teenage housekeeper. Apparently, ol’ Strom was a proponent of keeping all thing black and white separate with the notable exception of his penis and her vagina. Wait, it gets better/worse. Not only did Thurmond knock up the family housekeeper, the poor girl was only sixteen at the time! So, not only did Strom knock up an underage family employee, he then spent the rest of his life campaigning for laws which would have made it illegal for his own daughter to share the same drinking fountain as him. What a great guy! The poor teenaged housekeeper’s sister took the baby to live with her in Pennsylvania, eventually tracking Strom down in 1941, when his baby daughter was now a sixteen year-old girl herself. Strom then apparently acknowledged that the girl was his daughter before spending the next 60 plus years of his life pretending that she didn’t exist. Again, what a great guy!

5 Julius Erving
Dr. J was world famous for his dazzling dunks and for being one of the NBA’s premier superstars in the late 70’s/early 80’s, but when he wasn’t scoring on the court, he was busy scoring in the bedroom. During one of these encounters, with reporter Samantha Stevenson, he accidentally fathered a baby girl. I imagine it went a little something like this:

Samantha: “Julius, you should probably get a condom.”

Dr. J: “You can trust me, baby, I’m a doctor”

Ahem. Sorry. While that conversation may not have actually happened, the key thing we can take away from that is that, no, she most definitely should not have trusted him because nine months later, she found herself a single mother. For his part, Erving was noble enough to financially support the baby girl while she was growing up but he refused to publically acknowledge her -– at least until she became a tennis star and reached the semi-finals at Wimbledon in 1999. It was then, in a telephone conversation with the Associated Press, that Dr. J admitted for the first time publically that he was indeed the father of Alexandra Stevenson.

4 John Edwards
Everyone knows by now that John Edwards, former Senator and Presidential candidate had a love child. But a look at the details reveals a sordid and depraved mess. Apparently, John Edwards began an affair with a former campaign worker named Rielle Hunter, all while his wife was busy dealing with the fact that she, you know, had cancer, which she later died from. What a guy! The National Enquirer, in a series of reports beginning in October of 2007, revealed the details of the affair and claimed that Edwards was the father of Hunter’s child. Edwards denied these reports and then later admitted to the affair but continued to deny that he was the father. Another campaign aide, Andrew Young, then stepped up and claimed he was the father, but he then quickly rescinded that admission and went on to claim that not only had he been tasked by Edwards with arranging his hookups with Hunter, but that Edwards knew the baby was his all along and begged Young to claim that he was the father. Young also claimed that Edwards once promised that he would marry Hunter, after his wife died, in a rooftop ceremony in New York City with an appearance by The Dave Matthews Band (!!!!).

But that’s not all! According to ABC News, Young also claimed that Edwards asked him to “get a doctor to fake the DNA result and to steal a diaper from the baby so he could secretly do a DNA test to find out if this [was] indeed his child.” Jesus. But wait, there’s even more! In 2009, reports began to surface that Edwards was being investigated for using campaign money for personal use related to the affair and just a few days ago it was reported that the Justice Department apparently plans to indict Edwards on criminal charges for spending over $1 million(!) in political donations to hide the affair and the child that followed. Wouldn’t it have been easier just to cut a few child support checks, John? Or, you know, just not cheat on your dying wife? Just a thought.

3 Arnold Schwarzenegger
Come on, you knew this one was coming. Everybody knows by now that the Governator is the father of his maid’s ten year-old child. And while there is a joke to be made here about Skynet sending Arnold back in time to prevent his bastard child from being born and ruining his reputation and his marriage, we here at Guyism are above such nonsense and won’t do it. Instead, we’ll just ask one question: Why? Why would Arnold Schwarzenegger risk it all just to have sex with his allegedly human maid? Well, from all available evidence, Arnold would grope a manatee if it wasn’t able to swim away on time. He probably would have tried to have sex with Predator if it was a real being. So maybe the poor dude is just a randy sex addict. Or maybe, just maybe, since he had been married for so many years with a lady who looked like Skeletor, he decided to branch out and have sex with another character from the He-Man universe, like Beast Man. After all, I can’t come up with any other reason why Arnold would have had sex with… with that. Sadly, we’ll probably never know why Arnold did what he did, but what we do know is that he has a young son, and that son looks freakishly like him, and Arnold had enough balls to just let the maid bring the kid around the house whenever she felt like it. Maybe Arnold was just waiting for the right moment, a moment that never came, a moment when he could have found himself alone with his illegitimate little baby son and quipped something like “hasta la vista, baby” before throwing both the child and his mother out for good. Who knows?

2 Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson’s affair with slave Sally Hemings has been well documented, including by us here at Guyism, but he didn’t just sleep with Hemings once and call it quits. No. Instead, Jefferson managed to father a whole slew of bastard children with Hemings, making him the spiritual forefather of later politicians like Strom Thurmond, John Edwards and the loveable Governator. Most people like to focus on the fact that Jefferson got busy with a slave, which… yeah, that’s something people are going to focus on, but what you rarely hear about is his relationship with the children who were the result of that long affair. Although Jefferson never publicly acknowledged the children, they were apparently well looked after and were eventually freed by Jefferson. That seems like an incredibly weird thing to say, that a man freed his own children but those were f*cked up times and people did f*cked up things. No one knows for sure how many of Hemings’ seven children were the result of their affair, but DNA evidence shows that Hemings’ descendants also share Jefferson’s DNA, meaning that at least one of the kids had to be his.

1 God
A couple of thousand years ago, apparently God laid his eyes on a young housewife named Mary. Nine months later, a little baby boy emerged. God split and left Mary’s husband, some blue collar carpenter named Joe, to take care of the baby, which they named Jesus. (Back then, it was cool to name your kid Jesus without it being seen as sacrilegious. Well, at least until Mary and Joseph ruined it for everyone else, that is.) Apparently, God also skipped out on years of child support payments and like many children who never know their fathers, Jesus grew up to be a bit of a troublemaker and was eventually busted by the cops and sentenced to crucifixion for aggravated loitering and for unlicensed wine-making. It was thanks to this crucifixion that God and his young son eventually had an emotional reunion and today they apparently live together in a gated community even though they sometimes fight because Jesus refuses to cut his hair and is kind of a hippie and God is sick of explaining his behavior to all of his rich, uptight neighbors. It’s all in the Bible, you can check if you don’t believe me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has always been a ladies man — it’s just that many of us weren’t aware of it. Yesterday, when news leaked out that Arnold impregnated a household staffer, people probably wondered how a man well past his prime was able to juggle a marriage, a family, and ]]>

Arnold Schwarzenegger has always been a ladies man — it’s just that many of us weren’t aware of it. Yesterday, when news leaked out that Arnold impregnated a household staffer, people probably wondered how a man well past his prime was able to juggle a marriage, a family, and being Governor of California — all the while banging employees on the side. It’s truly a testament to Arnold’s focus and dedication to the task at hand. Something he undoubtedly picked up in his times as a world-class bodybuilder.

That aside, this didn’t necessarily come out of right field. Over the years, Arnold has developed a talent for romanticizing women. Here are his seven best moments.

7 Cozying up to a reporter in Brazil during Rio Carnival

You really have to hand it to the guy. While attractive Brazilian women are dancing around him draped in bikinis that barely cover their genitalia, Arnold seems intent on giving this reporter his best “f&$k me” eyes.

6 Arnold on a dating show in 1973

In his younger years, Schwarzenegger certainly didn’t lack self-confidence. On a dating show, he brags about the size of his pecs and biceps to the contestants. And he’s surprisingly not caught off-guard when one of the girls makes a crack about being small down there.

5 Even a pregnant Schwarzenegger in Junior was able to score with the cnicks

It pays to be modest and humble sometimes as well. In his Oscar worthy performance from the movie Junior, a pregnant Arnold scores with Emma Thompson with the line, “does my body disgust you?”.

4 Planning his next ménage à trois

Arnold’s ability to rebound from bad news is uncanny. On the same day that news leaked of Arnold and Maria’s separation, he was already planning his next ménage à trois. Watch as he gets comfy with two women outside his mansion right after the split.

3 Dancing the Tango in True Lies

A wise man once said, “women equate dancing to sex”. So if you look like an uncoordinated bastard on the dance floor, chances are, you’re not going home with a special lady that evening. Thankfully, for Arnold, he seems very fleet of foot.

2 Teaching the kids the birds and the bees

If you recall, Mr. Kimble was banging the mom of one of his students in Kindergarten Cop. He, however, also also had time to give the kids a brief lesson in sexual education. After all, nothing makes you more attractive to women then teaching kids the birds and the bees.

1 Arnold equates pumping iron to uh, cumming

Not only is this the most romantic moment in Schwarzenegger’s life, but it’s arguably one of the greatest videos in internet history. Only Arnold could pump iron, talk sex and then just casually mention the male orgasm.

Or simply Samuel L. Jackson. Not sure if he actually partakes in Call of Duty, but if he did, it would sound something like this...

(BTW, the audio is a bit on the NSWF-side, but I’m guessing you already knew that would be the case)

Ah, the modern miracle ]]>

Or simply Samuel L. Jackson. Not sure if he actually partakes in Call of Duty, but if he did, it would sound something like this...

(BTW, the audio is a bit on the NSWF-side, but I’m guessing you already knew that would be the case)

Ah, the modern miracle that is the soundboard! Bonus video, starring the voice of Ahnold…

Unfortunately, neither can touch the brilliance of the Macho Man Randy Savage mod for Left 4 Dead, sorry…

Samuel L. Jackson Plays Black Ops [Kotaku]