Since he has yet another film coming out this weekend (Dark Shadows) we figured the next ladies man whose alleged sexual history we’d take a deeper look at this week is Johnny Depp. Quantity is not Johnny’s strong suit as he appears to be more of a one-woman man ]]>

Since he has yet another film coming out this weekend (Dark Shadows) we figured the next ladies man whose alleged sexual history we’d take a deeper look at this week is Johnny Depp. Quantity is not Johnny’s strong suit as he appears to be more of a one-woman man for the most part, but the quality of the women he’s been with is hard for any man to match, as you will see.

Sherilyn Fenn (1986-1988)

This was at the height of Depp’s 21 Jump Street fame and pre-Twin Peaks fame for Sherilyn. They were reportedly engaged, but as you can see, that didn’t work out. Side note: If you haven’t seen her Playboy spread or her appearance in Two Moon Junction you really owe it to yourself to check them both out.

Jennifer Grey (1989)

We’re still in the 21 Jump Street time period and this was the pre-nose job Jennifer Grey still super famous for her role in Dirty Dancing. They too were reportedly engaged.

Winona Ryder (1989-1993)

Depp left Jump Street in the middle of his relationship with pre-kleptomania Winona Ryder fresh off her legendary role in Heathers. They too were engaged with Depp even going so far as to get a tattoo that said “Winona Forever” which he later had altered to say “Wino forever.”

Ellen Barkin (1994)

Depp took a dip into the cougar pool during a brief relationship with Ellen Barkin, nine years his senior. Amazingly, they were not engaged.

Kate Moss (1994-1998)

Back to another long-term relationship for Johnny. And guess what? They also were reportedly engaged at some point.

Vanessa Paradis (1998-Present?)

Back in January of this year it was widely reported that Depp and Paradis had split up. They haven’t been seen together publicly since. She didn’t even attend Depp’s son’s 10th birthday party. But just this week he vehemently denied that they had split up, so who knows?

Ashley Olsen (2012)

Fueling speculation that Depp and Paradis had broken up was the fact that he reportedly spent the night at Ashley’s apartment in February and tried to sneak out the next day at noon, but was caught by the press.

Amber Heard (2012)

Further fueling rumors of a split, Johnny and Amber Heard were “spotted looking quite cozy” in Las Vegas last month. One problem is that Heard has come out as a lesbian. Still, it is Johnny Damn Depp we’re talking about here.

Other less-substantiated alleged flings…

Naomi Campbell, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, Holly Robinson Peete

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Previous hookup histories on Guyism.

I’m personally a big fan of videos that make me feel like I’m stoned off my ass because it’s a good diversion at work and saves me all of those costly firings as a result of actually being high. This video of the Olsen Twins’s show slowed down accomplished that ]]>

I’m personally a big fan of videos that make me feel like I’m stoned off my ass because it’s a good diversion at work and saves me all of those costly firings as a result of actually being high. This video of the Olsen Twins’s show slowed down accomplished that and then some.

The most ridiculous part is at 3:33 when it comes time for a pizza song. It makes me feel like how David Berkowitz when he had a meaningful conversation with his dog.

No wonder these girls are billionaires. This is truly an artistic triumph.

Apparently Warner Brothers and InStyle magazine held a Golden Globes after party and a whole bunch of babes who I didn’t actually see at the event itself were in attendance. Including Lindsay Lohan. Go figure. Anyhoo, the class of women at the after party was as good ]]>

Apparently Warner Brothers and InStyle magazine held a Golden Globes after party and a whole bunch of babes who I didn’t actually see at the event itself were in attendance. Including Lindsay Lohan. Go figure. Anyhoo, the class of women at the after party was as good or better than the event itself, so I share. In order below: Ashley Greene, Evangeline Lilly, Ashley Olsen, Malin Akerman, Isabel Lucas, Maggie Grace, AnnaLyne McCord, Olivia Munn, Ashley Tisdale, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Leslie Bibb, Neve Campbell (still alive!), Jennifer Carpenter (who I did see at the show), Amanda Righetti, Rose McGowan, Jessica Stroup, Molly Sims, Kate Walsh, Kayla Ewell (yum-yum), Rhona Mitra, Vanessa Hudgens, and Lindsay Lohan (looking rather tasty actually).

(To see the babes that were actually at the event, click right over here.)

I only share this with you because at some point along the way many a man was desperate for the Olsen Twins to turn 18. They were hot little minxes in their teens. Unfortunately they have turned out to be ]]>

I only share this with you because at some point along the way many a man was desperate for the Olsen Twins to turn 18. They were hot little minxes in their teens. Unfortunately they have turned out to be MASSIVE disappointments. So these couple of pics of Ashely Olsen sporting a bra for something called V Man magazine are about as good as it’s going to get barring one of them going all Britney or Lindsay on us. Enjoy it as much as you can… okay, not that much…

Yeah he likes to be called Dwayne Johnson now, but I like to be called “Toilet enthusiast” rather than “that creep who filmed in the bathroom” so f you, we can’t always get what we want. Here’s video of the Jonas Brothers getting slimed by Dwayne “The Johnson” Rock at ]]>

Yeah he likes to be called Dwayne Johnson now, but I like to be called “Toilet enthusiast” rather than “that creep who filmed in the bathroom” so f you, we can’t always get what we want. Here’s video of the Jonas Brothers getting slimed by Dwayne “The Johnson” Rock at this weekend’s 2009 Kids’ Choice Awards.

That wasn’t all Dwayne did to freak out kids though…check him out dressing like Miley Cyrus. Yeah. That’s pretty normal.

The Kids’ Choice Awards is just an odd show. I don’t know what kids like but if I’m judging by this show (and Marlon Wayans’ Miley Cyrus thong joke at the link above), it’s a creepy older man saying borderline lecherous things and then getting doused with sticky viscous liquids. Which is pretty much counterintuitive to all of my adventures in babysitting.

Bonus: The best jizzy sliming ever belongs to 2004′s hit on the Olsen Twins. Skip to 1 minute in.

Photographer Timothy White released a book of photos with pretty famous celebrity chicks half-naked in classic Hollywood pin-up photoshoot style. It’s a hot little collection that makes women whom I usually hate, like Kate Hudson below, completely tolerable.

Who knew that all you ]]>

Photographer Timothy White released a book of photos with pretty famous celebrity chicks half-naked in classic Hollywood pin-up photoshoot style. It’s a hot little collection that makes women whom I usually hate, like Kate Hudson below, completely tolerable.

Who knew that all you had to do to get famous women naked for photoshoots was to put your name on the book title? Given that bit of intel, look forward to my new book “Chris’s Big Book O’ Hollywood Gynecological Exams” in stores next December. The “O’” makes it classy; even classier than the idea of me doing the photoshoots with a camera phone, a shoehorn, and an overly enthusiastic smile on my face.

Below, in order: Angie Harmon, Michelle Trachtenberg, Ashley Olsen (seriously), Mary-Kate Olsen (double seriously), Gina Gershon, Elisha Cuthbert, and Lauren Graham. Way more in the book so check that out.

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