So Demi Moore is back on Twitter, but she no longer wants to be @MrsKutcher. Luckily the Internet has other ideas. Moore tweeted a request to her followers to come up with a new Twitter handle, and the masses responded with a bunch of really dumb crap. ]]>

So Demi Moore is back on Twitter, but she no longer wants to be @MrsKutcher. Luckily the Internet has other ideas. Moore tweeted a request to her followers to come up with a new Twitter handle, and the masses responded with a bunch of really dumb crap. Thankfully, there are enough total douches on the Internet that aren’t dazzled by her leathery stardom, and they’re giving her the business.
Beautiful Bush

We approve, but it’s a little long.
Thunderpussy

You’ve got to own it.
MrsingNo

Odds that Demi Moore will get this fairly obscure Pokemon joke? Pretty slim.
Rob Delaney

Rob Delaney can always be counted on for a laugh.
Ghostf*cker

She did! She boned a ghost (in Whoopi Goldberg’s body). How many ladies can say that?
Sexual Trevor

I’m not quite sure what “Sexual Trevor” is a reference to, but it’s a damn good name.
G.I. Junkie

This isn’t “funny” as much as it is “totally crazy,” because apparently Moore used whippets at a party in front of (adult) daughter Rumer Willis.
I Am Nigel

Dude, I think that’s taken. By you.

In today’s Guyism Speed Round, Katie Nolan discusses rumors that Ashton Kutcher will play Steve Jobs in an upcoming film, an unfortunately-named cookbook, and more.

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Rihanna was on a London press junket for likely cinematic debacle Battleship when she was asked about rumors of her hooking up with Ashton Kutcher. Here’s how she responded (spoiler: Not well).

Yes, I do have some idea of how disappointing that question was. Your lifeless Chucky doll eyes ]]>

Rihanna was on a London press junket for likely cinematic debacle Battleship when she was asked about rumors of her hooking up with Ashton Kutcher. Here’s how she responded (spoiler: Not well).

Yes, I do have some idea of how disappointing that question was. Your lifeless Chucky doll eyes told me all I needed to know.

It also needed a GIF, which we captured below.

On the plus side, I can’t imagine Ashton Kutcher punching her in the face repeatedly. He may seem like a tool sometimes, but not a violent kind. Even if he did hit her, I’m pretty sure the force of the blow would be roughly similar to a kitten tapping you when it wants to be petted.

The world seems overrun with worthless celebrities, blowhards and fame-whores with nothing to offer the world other than the sale of their own dignity for the enjoyment of slack-jawed yokels everywhere. Obviously, some of these fools need to go away. And fast. Of course, we can’t include every worthless ]]>

The world seems overrun with worthless celebrities, blowhards and fame-whores with nothing to offer the world other than the sale of their own dignity for the enjoyment of slack-jawed yokels everywhere. Obviously, some of these fools need to go away. And fast. Of course, we can’t include every worthless celebrity on this list because then it would be roughly 968 names long and I’m pretty sure I would get a nosebleed or at the very least get the urge to run wild with a hatchet by the time I hit number 50 and nobody wants that. Note: this will be epically hate filled and will probably piss some people off, but what the hell, at the very least this should earn me an invitation to the next Playa Hater’s Ball and none of you should begrudge me that. Now, with all that said, let’s get on with it.

9 Paris Hilton
The only reason Paris Hilton isn’t higher on this list is because no one really seems to give a shit about her anymore, at least according to the ratings from her latest miserable reality show which show that her audience basically consists of a retarded squirrel and a ham sandwich by this point. Still, Paris will always deserve to be on this list because she is basically the Queen Mother of the vapid fame-whore movement. I mean, come on, she literally became famous for sucking a guy’s dick. Now while I can applaud that kind of dedication to good old fashioned whoredom, unfortunately it paved the way for a generation of talentless ambition freaks, soulless monsters with cash registers for brains and hearts made of greed, all flooding the airwaves in a tidal wave of dumb noise, spray tanned giant asses and naked stupidity. Paris Hilton started all that. She made being a dumb whore fashionable and for that, she needs to go away.

8 Nancy Grace
Nancy Grace is the parasitic beast wriggling on the ocean floor of popular culture, sucking up every monstrous and hate-able thing she can, feeding on it in order to earn ratings and invitations to stupid reality dance shows. She trades on the misery and despair of others, and the worst part is that she actually clothes herself in some self-righteous do-gooder persona, like she is some sort of avenging angel. Well, why is it then, that the only “downtrodden” and “hopeless” people she advocates for are all stereotypical Natalee Holloway types, photogenic white, middle-class types who make for a nice, tidy story on the cover of People magazine? Where are all the stories on behalf of the poor African–American kids who go missing? Where are the indignant pleas for justice on behalf of the those poor, ugly folks doomed to be forever ignored by the press because they’re not photogenic enough? Those are the people who could really use her help. But instead, Nancy Grace prefers to appeal to the dimwitted carnivores of pop-culture, those who eat that shit up like popcorn at a movie theater. And because of that, she really, really needs to shut up and she really, really needs to go away.

7 Ashton Kutcher
I was all set to include Charlie Sheen on this list, but really, he’s pretty much already gone away. So instead I figured I’d include his talentless replacement, a doofus who has become more famous for being Ashton Kutcher: male concubine, than for anything he’s done in a movie or television show. It’s not that Kutcher is all that obnoxious – okay, fine, he totally is – so much as he’s generally, well, worthless. What does he actually add to anything? Is there anybody out there who sees his name attached to a project and thinks “Oh, man, I’ve gotta see that!” He basically exists now to spew dumb shit on Twitter and make Demi Moore look bad, which let’s be honest, isn’t that hard to do, but come on, man. Maybe it’s time to go back to Iowa for a while, Ashton. Or just go anywhere that we don’t have to see you. But no matter where you choose to go, just make sure that, for now anyway, you just go away.

6 Betty White
Wait… what? I know, I know, this one will probably make a bunch of people mad if only because, if I have learned anything over the years, it’s that on the internet people will get mad about literally anything. But I also recognize that Betty White is beloved. And honestly, this isn’t a knock on her. She’s great. It’s just that, well, the poor old lady needs to go away for a while. She’s a human punch-line at this point, the 2011 version of the Where’s the Beef lady or the Macarena. She shuffles onto the stage or screen, says something vaguely shocking and everybody howls. Good. Great. But… enough already, you know?

5 Jon and Kate Gosselin
The good news is that these fools seem to be on the way out. The bad news, though, is that they basically cashed in the lives of their own children for fifteen minutes of tacky fame. Jon has become an Affliction wearing joke, a tabloid punching bag whose greatest accomplishment in life is that he gave Lindsay Lohan’s dad a soul mate. Kate, meanwhile, just comes across like the Wicked Witch of the West, a humorless harridan obsessed with keeping her talons firmly affixed around the throat of whatever notoriety she’s “earned” by pooping out a whole litter of children. And she does it all with that same “I just smelled something terrible” look on her face that Nancy Grace has. Tthese two are awful and they have very likely ruined their kid’s lives and doomed them all to a lifetime of therapy and for that, they can kindly go away.

4 Anyone on ‘Real Housewives of… [fill in the blank]‘
This is the world Paris Hilton built. This is the world we all let happen. And every time you see one of these plastic faces on your TV, leaking botox and shame all over the place, spewing inane bullshit and, well, just generally being completely awful in every conceivable way, you should be ashamed of yourself. I know I am.

3 Snooki
Honestly, I could include virtually the whole cast of Jersey Shore here but for the most part, those dudes and lady dudes (and in J-Woww’s case, that seems like it might actually be an appropriate term) seem like harmless goofballs. The biggest exceptions are, of course, The Situation and Snooki. The Situation, though, seems like he’s already been burnt out. His ridiculous candle has already been snuffed and no one seems like they even care about the poor fool anymore. But Snooki… well, Snooki just won’t go away and that’s a problem because out of all of these idiots, she’s the one who seems the most despicable, like she understands only all too well that she is just America’s clown and just keeps feeding the beast with one ridiculous thing after another. Which wouldn’t be too bad except she is so obviously transparent about it. She’s on the TV, she’s all over the net, she’s got her own fragrance (eau de whore?) she’s got some lame spin-off coming up and she’s even all over the New York Times best seller list. A part of me appreciates her hustle. Another bigger part of me just finds her annoying as hell, and that part of me wishes she would just do the right thing and go away.

2 Lindsay Lohan
Look, I don’t want to see that crackwhore who lives in a box down the street and who sounds like she has a smoker’s cough from hell and who would probably trade in one of her last few remaining teeth for a moment of drugged out bliss, do anything, so why in the hell would I want to watch the slow-motion train wreck that is Lindsay Lohan’s life? There aren’t too many differences, except for… what’s that? Lindsay Lohan still has huge boobs? Well, carry on then. No, but for real, there is absolutely nothing interesting or attractive about Lindsay Lohan anymore. We get it, she likes drugs and she’s ruining her life and her family is terrible and blah, blah, blah… enough. It just never changes. She’s not America’s Sweetheart. She’s America’s Trainwreck. People don’t even want to make fun of her anymore. That’s how old this shit has gotten. They just want her to go away.

1 Anyone With the Last Name Kardashian or Jenner
Oh God, these friggin’ people. I don’t even know where to begin. They’re awful, just awful. I suppose I could start with this: this whole ridiculous clan is famous because of two things – Kim was filmed getting reamed by some dude and the original Kardashian patriarch was one of the ghouls responsible for getting OJ off the hook. What a legacy! Naturally, people who come from such fine, upstanding stock have parlayed that into epic fame-whorishness. These people would sell anything and everything. Their dignity was the first to go and now everything else is on the table too. They are so awful that they have even dragged multiple sports stars with them down into the gutter. It’s terrible. Of course, the core of this insane circus are Kim and her worthless sisters. I mean, it’s bad enough that Kim is famous just because she let some dude film himself banging her but her sisters are famous because they are simply related to that someone. They don’t even have the fame cache of a celebrity sex tape! They’re just… there. Okay fine, Khloe had that stint as the copilot of the Millennium Falcon but that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. In this galaxy and in this time, they are just human avatars of greed and pointless fame and because of that, they all need to go very far away.

In news that pretty much everyone saw coming, Demi Moore, 49, has decided to end her marriage to Ashton Kutcher, 33. Moore released a statement ending the speculation about the status of the couple’s relationship. “It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that ]]>

In news that pretty much everyone saw coming, Demi Moore, 49, has decided to end her marriage to Ashton Kutcher, 33. Moore released a statement ending the speculation about the status of the couple’s relationship.

“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton,” says Moore in a statement. “As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.”

She adds: “This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation.”

Kutcher responded on Twitter (of course), “I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail.”

Apparently a last-ditch effort to work on their marriage (at her ex-husband Bruce Willis’ house) did not yield positive results.

Moore has looked very gaunt recently as a result of the stress caused by rumors of Ashton cheating with a 22 year-old woman named Sara Leal on the same day as the couple’s sixth anniversary back in September. That wasn’t the first time there were rumors of Ashton’s infidelity as a woman named Brittney Jones, 22, also claimed she had sex with Kutcher in July of 2010.

I, for one, fully support Demi’s decision. Seeing how she is one of the sexiest MILF slash cougars on the planet hope that she lands on her feet and ends up with a more loyal man. She needs someone who fully appreciates a woman with her many fine qualities, such as the fact that at age 49 she can still pull off sexy photo shoots like this one she recently did for Ann Taylor.

Now what man wouldn’t appreciate a woman like that? Tweet me, Demi. I can help. (Hmmm… I wonder what her her new Twitter name will be now.)

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher Split [People]

Sara Leal, the woman who we are bring led to believe will mean the end of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s marriage, has decided that it would be a great idea if she sat down for a interviews with two different publications in which she talks about ]]>

Sara Leal, the woman who we are bring led to believe will mean the end of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s marriage, has decided that it would be a great idea if she sat down for a interviews with two different publications in which she talks about having sex with Kelso. Classy.

I suppose you could call me a cynic, actually go ahead, but for some reason I am not buying any of this. First, there have reports on and off through the years that Demi and Ashton can pretty much bang anyone they want whenever they want (Hollywood!) and second, with Ashton taking over this new gig on Two and a Half Men this all feels so similar to when naked pics are magically leaked to the Internet right around the releases of movies (Hollywood again!).

But that’s okay, I’ll play along. Here are a few of the morsels Ms. Leal dropped on us.

“He just came up and kissed me,” the Texas native tells Us of Kutcher’s first bold move in the wee hours; minutes later, Leal, Kutcher and another young woman were completely nude and in a hot tub on the balcony.

“I didn’t think it was out of the ordinary,” Leal admits. “I wasn’t self-conscious about getting naked.”

Sara added that it was all good because Ashton told her he was separated from Demi. (Wait… does that really work? *scribbles in secret notebook*)

Then, because she wouldn’t make as much money if she didn’t, she goes on to discuss the sex.

“He was good,” Leal reveals. “It wasn’t weird or perverted.” It also wasn’t 100 percent safe, either: Leal tells Us that Kutcher did not wear a condom during their one-on-one encounter.

I’m guessing she didn’t mind him not using a condom because he told her, “Don’t worry, baby. I’m sterile.” (Hey, the separated line worked, so what the hell?) Then they had sex again, after which Ashton dug really deep into his book of romance and told her, “I enjoy things like this because I’m an actor 90 percent of the time and it’s fake. It’s nice to have moments that are real.” Playa.

Leal also said that Ashton wanted to have a threesome with her and her friend, and that, “He had great endurance. We were up for a while. It was about two hours.”

Sara Leal, ladies and gentleman!

Kutcher scandal beauty: We had sex twice [Sun]
Cover Story: Sara Leal: How Ashton Kutcher Seduced Me [Us]

He’s completely shut Demi Moore up on Twitter. Demi has gone silent, not saying a thing to her 4 million plus followers since last Wednesday, but surely that’s not a sign of anything important, right?

In case you’ve been off the planet for the last week or ]]>

He’s completely shut Demi Moore up on Twitter. Demi has gone silent, not saying a thing to her 4 million plus followers since last Wednesday, but surely that’s not a sign of anything important, right?

In case you’ve been off the planet for the last week or so, let’s get you up to speed. Demi’s son husband Ashton Kutcher (the less entertaining version of Charlie Sheen) is reported to have cheated on her with a “hot tub worthy” 23 year-old woman named Sara Leal… on their anniversary… which Demi and Ashton spent apart. Move along, nothing to see here, right?

So here’s what we have learned since we parted ways on Friday…

Ashton tweeted, “When you ASSUME to know that which you know nothing of, you make an ASS out of U and ME.” So, my assumption that these two are either in marriage counseling or having long, expensive meetings with lawyers is making an ass out of him? And me?

Ashton and Demi then got together over the weekend for a Kaballah Center meeting for for the Jewish New Year. Because they are obviously quite a religious couple. They were both wearing their wedding rings, yet they departed in separate cars. I won’t make any assumptions about that.

PICS: Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher entertain on Twitter

Entertainment Tonight stated that Demi and Ashton have been living apart for the last two months. I assume they just like different home decor. Whoops… assuming again!

They broke up on Twitter with Demi and Ashton briefly unfollowing one another then adding each other back. I assume they figured out that unfollowing each other just fueled speculation, but there I go again…

And Rumer Willis, has gone out of her way to show support for her mom, I mean, her step-mom, tweeting, “Please give some love to my gorgeous and talented stepmomma @emmaheming.” No idea what that’s all about, but thought I’d just throw that in there.

So what does this all mean to you and me? Not much, really, but it’s been at least as entertaining watching this saga unfold as it has been watching Ashton’s first couple of appearances on Two and a Half Men.

PIC: Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore Reunite For Kaballah Center Meeting [Us]
Rumer Willis Tweets Support For Stepmom… [Radar]
Feeling the strain? Ashton Kutcher looks tired and emotional… [Daily Mail]
Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher Break Up: On Twitter [Radar]

Some products out there have the ability to sell themselves, while others could use a little help. So, it’s no surprise that companies regularly turn to a well-known face in an attempt to bump profits up a bit. But sometimes, the choice of celebrity can do just the opposite. ]]>

Some products out there have the ability to sell themselves, while others could use a little help. So, it’s no surprise that companies regularly turn to a well-known face in an attempt to bump profits up a bit. But sometimes, the choice of celebrity can do just the opposite. The celebrity might end up in some trouble or maybe they just really weren’t all that well liked to begin with. Either way, here’s a list of a few items we should never buy simply because of the celebrity that endorses them.

7 Ashton Kutcher – Nikon Cameras
That damn Kutcher. We finally manage to get him off the small screen and out of our homes when Nikon has to go ahead and have him pop up even more regularly than before. The only way to make it stop is to not buy their products. Also, ladies, if you could stop going to see those horrible romantic comedies he stars in, we might be able to get rid of him completely. If we all work together, we can once again live in a Kutcher-less world.

6 Jenni “JWoww” Farley – Australian Gold Tanning Products
The world would be a much better place if Jenni “JWoww” Farley were just a torso. But, since she has a head, she has the ability to be a spokesperson. The only product we should support JWoww endorsing is an issue of Playboy magazine. Until that day comes, stick with any other suntan lotion or take your chances with melanoma.

5 Justin Bieber – Proactiv
The kid’s barely experienced puberty, so what does he know about acne? And even if he does know a thing or two… how clear does your skin have to be when you’ve got hair covering the majority of your face? I think using people with seemingly flawless skin is always a bad move with these products. Proactiv should, instead, look into getting Edward James Olmos and just threaten people that if they don’t use Proactiv that could be their future. Fear sells. Why do you think there are 17 Saw movies?

4 Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino – Devotion (protein-infused) Vodka
Reportedly, Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino is set to make around five million dollars this year. How’s your 50-hour work week going? Forget the fact that protein and alcohol pretty much cancel each other out for a minute and ask yourself, “Do I really want to be responsible for contributing to his income?” So, we probably shouldn’t buy this product. Keep your protein and booze separate, people. It doesn’t make any sense anyway. It’s like wrapping your carrot and celery sticks in bacon.

3 Lionel Richie – Walkers Crisps
Oh Lionel. You’ve given us some of the greatest, cheesiest, and most romantic songs for our seducing pleasure. Is nothing sacred? Now whenever I pop in one of your CDs for a girl, she gets hungry… not horny. You’ve ruined this for all of us. We counted on you. From now on, when we intend to make sweet, sweet love to a woman on a bed of rose petals by candlelight, we’re gonna have to go ahead and turn to Michael Bolton.

2 Chris Brown – Got Milk?
It’s probably not the best idea for a product that promotes growth and strength to have a spokesperson who is best known for using his strength inappropriately. No thank you, milk. I’ll just eat my Fruity Pebbles dry from now on.

1 Brett Favre – Wrangler
Everyone enjoys a good pair of jeans. They’re comfortable and incredibly versatile. However, we should never buy a pair of Wranglers thanks to Brett Favre. Based on the current camera phone photos of him floating around the Internet, it doesn’t look like Favre spends much time wearing them anyway. So, how comfortable could they actually be?

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Jessica Alba thinks she’s not that great looking. Seriously.

— In other absurd female celebrity news, Jennifer Aniston is the most eligible single woman in the world, according to a new Vanity Fair ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…