According the Associated Press, here is what he told the radio station after identifying himself as “Al from Dadeville”.

“The weekend after the Iron Bowl, I went to Auburn, Ala., because I live 30 miles away, and I poisoned the Toomer’s trees,” the caller said, according to the Associated Press. The caller said he had attended the Iron Bowl

And of course, he ended the call with “Roll Damn Tide”, because, you know, sports and mental incapacity go hand-in-hand. I hope for Mr. Updyke’s sake that his cellmate in the clink isn’t an Auburn fan. That could make for some uncomfortable shower moments.

Arrest reported in Auburn tree poisoning [AJC]

104-99

In perhaps the biggest upset in NBA regular season history, the lowly Cleveland Cavaliers defending the two-time defending champion Los Angeles Lakers last night 104-99. The Cavs, who just came off one of the longest losing streaks in sports history got 32 points from Ramon Sessions en route to the win. Just last month, the Lakers beat the Cavs by an astounding 55 points, which prompted many, including LeBron to actually feel sorry for his old team. Well, who’s feeling sorry from whom now?

1-10

How big are college football rivalries down south you ask? Well, they come at the expense of poisoning trees now. Apparently, Alabama fans don’t celebrate National Arbor Day. After Auburn won the National Championship on January 10th, oak trees near a spot called Toomer’s corner where fans celebrate wins were deliberately poisoned. According to university officials, a man called into a local radio station and fessed up to the naughty deed. He also responded with, “roll tide roll”.

0735

Albert Pujols showed up for Spring Training this morning at 0735 like he has every other year. Except this time, he is without a contract and it’s arguably the biggest story in sports right now. Albert and his agent have continually said that they will NOT negotiate with St. Louis Cardinals management during the year so as not to distract him from the job at hand. That means, Pujols will go into the 2011 offseason, presumably as a free agent.

65

Lance Armstrong has called it quits….AGAIN. The 39-year old cyclist hasn’t had a good showing lately in races placing 65th in his last competitive race in Australia. Armstrong also retires amidst the doping scandals that have plagued him ever since his comeback. It truly seems that the question about Armstrong doping is a matter of when and not if.

Of course, the NCAA caught wind of the Newton families master plan and investigated. So Auburn again dipped into their deep booster coffers to pay for a high-priced lawyer to defend them from the claim. $170k to be exact.

Auburn Senior Associate Athletics Director Scott Carr said Tuesday the fees started in mid-October and have all gone to Lightfoot, Franklin, White LLC, the university’s Birmingham-based legal counsel.

Asked if Auburn anticipates more legal fees on the case, Carr replied by e-mail: “AU attempts to address compliance matters with internal staff to the extent possible. Whether it can do so depends in part on whether the questions asked require more staff time than is available internally.”

So what was the end result of all this? A shiny new trophy and Auburn’s second national championship, that’s what. Whatever monies Auburn spent to receive Cam Newton’s services and subsequently keep him from being suspended is easily replaced by the national exposure they received. Might I also add all that cool new, championship merchandise that I’m sure ended up supplanting some of those Auburn coffers.

It makes you wonder really–If you offered any school in the country the chance to win a National Championship at the cost of around $350k a year, would they do it?

Hmmm.

Auburn’s legal fees at $170,000 on Cam Newton case [AL.com]

Now, other SEC schools are complaining, probably because they weren’t seedy enough to try it themselves. Ah, the trials and tribulations of dirty tactics in the SEC. If you ain’t cheatin, you ain’t tryin.

An Alabama Web cam broadcasting the posting of faxed national letters of intent on signing day has drawn a complaint from another Southeastern Conference school after a provocative photo of a female student circulated on the Internet.

SEC spokesman Charles Bloom says league Commissioner Mike Slive “felt it was inappropriate” and called Crimson Tide athletic director Mal Moore Thursday morning. Bloom says an SEC school called the commissioner, but wouldn’t identify the university.

And now the question becomes, who is the offending university? I’m going with Auburn here on pure principle. Not because they are Alabama’s chief rival but because they openly paid Cam Newton $180k and dared the NCAA to do anything about it.

SEC school complains about Alabama Web cam [WSFA] via Deadspin

180,000

It appears Cam Newton will be taking his talents to the NFL. And really, it makes sense. At $180k a year, I’m not sure the Auburn boosters could have afforded him anymore. Adjusting for inflation and a bonus for winning the national championship, you had to think the going rate Cecil Newton was asking for was at least $220k–and that’s being nice. I heard the church had a down year with donations.

9

John Fox had a good 9-year run with the Carolina Panthers. But towards the end of his tenure, things got pretty ugly including his last year there when he went 2-14. When he was let go at the end of the season, you knew it was only a matter of time before another team came calling. And that team was none other than the Denver Broncos, who, at the present time are in utter disarray. The hiring of Josh McDaniels set the franchise back a few years so it will be Fox’ job to bring them back some respectability.

200,000,000

Oregon may not be the NCAA powerhouse that Phil Knight believes they can be, but he certainly won’t stop trying to pump money into the athletic program. The alum singlehandedly paid for half of the $200 million dollar Matthew Knight basketball arena. And the team christened it yesterday with a 66-62 win over Pac-10 rival USC. See, money can occasionally buy wins. Just not national championships.

16

Amazingly, having sexual relations with a 16-year old girl who says she is a prostitute only gets you probation in the state of New York. And that’s with prior convictions. Lawrence Taylor, who has been arrested numerous times for drug possession was giving a slap on the wrist for his incident with an underage girl in a hotel. The end result was Taylor pleading guilty for sexual misconduct and patronizing a prostitute. Because, you know, calling a hooker names is not kosher these days.

37

Of course the play everyone is talking about this morning is Michael Dyer’s 37-yard run that almost wasn’t in last night’s BCS title game. Dyer appeared to be down after being hit by a Ducks defender but replays showed that his knee never hit the ground. The argument today seems to be the discrepancy of “wrist or hand” being down as was a call in the Sugar Bowl just last week. If you’re an Auburn fan, you don’t care at this point but Ducks fans may feel like they were just robbed of a possible overtime.

90-36

Last I checked, Les Miles is still under contract at LSU currently. But the rumors are getting stronger that he is inching his way towards Ann Arbor. Miles allegedly met with Michigan AD David Brandon yesterday and a decision is set to be made today one way or another. This isn’t the first times Miles has been courted by the Wolverines. Three years ago, before they hired Rich Rodriguez, Miles was the front runner for the job. In fact, Kirk Herbstreit even reported that he had taken the job and ESPN rolled with that story. So at this point, it’s hard to tell what is really going on. A waiting game for sure.

61-5

In five seasons at Boise State, Chris Petersen is an astounding 61-5. And though he’s been courted by several teams around the country the last few years including Stanford, it appears Petersen wants to stay put in Idaho. “I’m really happy to be in the position I’ve been the last five years,” said Petersen. “I think [Stanford] is a very special place. I just thought it was worth having a conversation about, but that’s about as far as it went.”

3

The third time is supposed to be the charm right? For the University of Pittsburgh, let’s hope that’s the case. After a tumultuous month that saw them have three separate head coaches, they’ve finally rested on Tulsa’s Todd Graham to spearhead their program. The school was embarrassed recently when newly hired Mike Haywood was arrested only days later on a domestic violence charge. The mug shot was plastered on every major newspaper, website in the country leaving the Panthers no other decision but to fire Haywood.

But Auburn, which had one of the nation’s most prolific offenses during the season simply had too much time to work with. Cam Newton and company drove down the field and capped off with a very strange Michael Dyer 37-yard run that appeared to be dead.

Watch for yourself:

That propelled them into field goal range and after running the clock down to 3 seconds remaining, field goal kicker Wes Byrum came in and sealed the deal from 19-yards.

It is Auburn’s second national title and first in 53 years.

118.6

There was talk this week in Indiana that Peyton Manning was past his prime and he couldn’t get the job done anymore. Well, for at least one game, he seemed to have regained the touch that has made him one of the better quarterback of all-time. Manning threw for 319 yards and 2 TDs in the Colts win over the Titans last night. He was near perfect completing 25 of 35 passes en route to a 118.6 QB rating. Hopefully, that type of performance will hold off the fans for awhile.

7

It looks the Red Sox and Yankees are taking their rivalry into the off-season as well. Both teams have made splashes thus far, however, none was bigger than the Carl Crawford signing the other day for Boston. The Yankees are still trying to figure out a deal to get Cliff Lee for that 7th year but nothing has been determined as of yet. Stay tuned though–something may very well come down the pipes today.

18

After making the trek all the way to Mount Kilimanjaro for a fundraising event, 18-time Grand Slam winner Martina Navratilova had to stop because of an illness. “Navratilova, 54, had to stop the climb of Africa’s highest mountain on the fourth day when the expedition had reached an altitude of 4,500 meters”. Nonetheless, fairly impressive for a women her age to be climbing mountains.

180,000

With all due respect to Cam Newton, I don’t believe a word of what he said yesterday. Newton reiterated that he has done nothing wrong when he decided to play for Auburn. “Newton’s father, Cecil, was found by Auburn and the NCAA to have asked for money from Mississippi State in exchange for a letter of intent from his son, a violation of NCAA rules. Cam Newton said, “Everything I’ve done at this university, I did it the right way,”. Yes, I’m sure you and your dad are working independently Cam. Sorry, I call b.s.

18

One of the big sticking points for the new NFL collective bargaining agreement will be the 18-game schedule. It’s definitely something owners are looking for but not something players necessarily want. Last year, the NFL set a record for numbers of players going on the IR and with the number of devastating helmet-to-helmet hits this year, it’s a wonder how some teams will field a squad with two more games.

4

For one of the few times in the Los Angeles Lakers history, and the first time since Pau Gasol was added to the team, they have lost four games in a row. Things aren’t looking on the up and up in the near future either as Gasol suffered what appears to be a hamstring injury. He left yesterday’s game with the Rockets in the third quarter and never returned.

180,000

So yea, that whole Cam Newton thing has been resolved, at least in the NCAA’s eyes. Newton was ruled eligible (for the time being) because, get this, he was not aware of the impropriety that occurred. If you think it’s stupid that somebody was bargaining on behalf without his knowledge, you’re not alone. I have a feeling this whole thing is going to get much uglier after the season is done and that Cam Newton will play his final game as a collegian in January of 2011.

31

Duke guard Kyrie Irving exploded onto the national scene last night in a marquee game against Michigan State. Irving’s 31 points on 8-12 shooting was nothing short of spectacular, especially given the competition. He was able to penetrate into the lane, sometimes at will, and opened up other opportunities for teammates late in the game. The Duke win concluded the ACC-Big Ten challenge, however, for the second year in a row the Big Ten pulled out on top.

0

Either Jon Gruden continues to leak info to the media, or the man is really wanted in Miami. A source told ESPN that Gruden has “zero interest” in coaching the Hurricanes. Last weekend, Randy Shannon was let go by Miami for repeatedly under performing in conference play. It makes sense for teams to shoot for the moon with Gruden, but at the same time, something smells fishy. Could this be a power play by Gruden’s team to get him a shot in the NFL?

15,779,912

In case you missed it yesterday, the LeBron James saga just got a little nastier. Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert hired a firm to look into possible tampering by the Miami Heat while James was still under contract in 2009. Though James was paid handsomely by the Cavs, $15.779 million dollars to be exact, Gilbert believes that he quit on the team and therefore had another deal in place before last year’s playoff run.

Apparently, some folks in Alabama aren’t as amused by the Cam Newton situation as the rest of the country. A ‘DJ’ responsible for music at the Iron Bowl Saturday hilariously chose, “Son of a Preacher Man” and “Take the Money and Run” as Auburn took the field during pre-game warm-ups. Of course, the reference is to preacher Cecil Newton and the alleged $180k his son took to go to Auburn.

Well, that little shenanigan cost the man his job. Someone needs a sense of humor.

Our processes require that all music and videos played in the stadium prior to and during every game be carefully scripted and approved by a senior administrator in the Athletics Department,” Alabama public relations director Deborah Lane said in a statement. “The former staff member deviated from the script that had been approved for the game with Auburn, and the University took steps to immediately terminate his contract.”

“The University of Alabama takes great pride in our football team’s long-standing tradition of playing the game with dignity and class, and showing respect for players and coaches of opposing teams. We are disappointed when the actions of any staff member undermine our deeply held values and expectations.

I’m sorry, allow me a moment to laugh hysterically at the University of Alabama taking the “holier than though” approach. The same school who was regularly on probation for the better part of the last two decades and who was forced to vacate 21 wins just five years ago is preaching from high atop their pedestal.

Hilarious.

Alabama fires part-time employee for playing unauthorized music at Bryant-Denny Stadium prior to 75th Iron Bowl [AL.com]

13

Felix Hernandez won only 13 games for the Mariners in 2010. That was more an indictment of Seattle’s putrid offense as opposed to Hernandez’ prowess on the mound. Thankfully, Cy Young voters saw right through that negligible stat and gave the American League award to “King Felix”. His final numbers on the season were astounding: 2.24 ERA, 232 strikeouts.

35

It’s not often you see fourteen goals in an entire game of hockey, let alone two periods. But that’s exactly what happened in last night’s affair between the Lightning and the Flyers. Steven Stamkos led the way with his second hat trick of the season en route to an 8-7 Tampa Bay win. Many are starting to wonder if Stamkos’ name can now be mentioned with Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin as the best players in the game. It might be a little early for the 20-year old, but thus far this season, he has been unworldly (35 points in 19 games).

187

The Chicago Bears are certainly making their case as the best team in the NFC. And it wasn’t that they shutout the Dolphins on the road last night, it’s that they absolutely dominated them allowing only 187 yards of total offense. Yes, their offense needs work and Jay Cutler isn’t the most trustworthy of quarterbacks, but in a year where most NFC teams are having problems off the field, the Bears are performing where it counts.

6

The fate of former MLB player Jim Leyritz now rests with a 6-person Florida jury. In December of 2007, Leyritz allegedly ran a red light while intoxicated and killed 30-year old Fredia Ann Veitch. His defense team is arguing that blood tests taken at the scene were unreliable. If convicted, Leyritz faces up to 15 years in prison.

180,000

It is not a matter of “if” Cam Newton is suspended, it is now a matter of “when”. As the FBI continues to look into the case, details of the payment plan have been leaked to the media. According to Kenny Rogers, one of the middlemen in the ordeal, a man named Bill Bell spoke to someone representing the Newton family and they asked for $80,000 the day after Cam Newton signed with MSU, $50,000 30 days later and another $50,000 30 days after that. The family claims they never gave anyone permission to represent them or talk on their behalf. Yea, that makes no sense to me either.

180,000

And now, here’s your daily Cam Newton update. Yesterday, Kenny Rogers, one of the main players in the scandal told a radio station that he had a conversation with Cecil Newton in November of last year and discussed how much it would take to get his son to play for Mississippi State. According to Rogers, the figure was between $100-$180k. This, of course, begs the question…Why is MSU not good at sports if they have a plethora of powerful boosters?

33,033

Speaking of ineligible college athletes, Kentucky recruit Enes Kanter was found to have to taken $33,033 in excess from his Turkish team during the 2008-2009 season. It should be noted that playing on club teams is not against NCAA rules, but taking money above necessary expenses is. According to the NCAA, “actual and necessary expenses” are those required for practice and competition, such as meals, travel to practices and competition and medical insurance.

1-6

Yet another bump in the road for oft injured Yao Ming who underwent an MRI on his left ankle yesterday. Though it only revealed a “mild sprain”, he’ll miss at least a week, and regretfully, it comes at a terrible time for the 1-6 Rockets.

2

You really have to feel for Vikings wide receiver Percy Harvin. He’s sat out the last two days of practice with migraine headaches, something that has plagued him his entire athletic career. And to give you an idea how clueless Brad Childress is, this was his comment on the situation. “Just under the weather”. No wonder they can’t stand this guy.

5-4

It’s official folks, the Miami Heat are a bad basketball team. They’re 3-2 at home, 5-4 overall and lack any sense of chemistry. To top it all off, it appears the word is out already in the league. If you have a serviceable big man who can pound the ball underneath and a point guard who can penetrate, well then, that’s your formula for success against this squad. Only a matter of time before Pat Riley makes his way down to the bench now.

8,900,000

In what is sure to be great news for parents trying to keep their kids from the online poker craze, a college dropout named Jonathan Duhamel won the World Series of Poker yesterday. The Canadian pro has worked odd jobs for more than two 2 years after dropping out of college. His primary source of income? Online poker.

67

67-year old Joe Morgan and his broadcast partner Jon Miller were kicked to the curb by ESPN yesterday. Miller was well-liked by fans, Morgan, not so much. His regular assault against statistics-based analysis of baseball was at times, mind-numbing. In fact, one of the more popular sports blogs in the world (until they shut their doors) was none other than a site called firejoemorgan.com.

91.3

It appears the Lions will lose Matthew Stafford for the rest of the season after he suffered a Grade 3 separation of his right shoulder against the Jets. Although he is seeking a second opinion from Dr. James Andrews in Alabama, this injury is actually worse than the one he had earlier this season. Without Stafford, the Lions lose their marquee player and a quarterback who carries with him an impressive 91.3 rating in just his second season of action.

27-21

The Bengals season got more disappointing last night after they fell just short in their comeback attempt against the Pittsburgh Steelers. On 4th and 5 with 40 seconds remaining, Jordan Shipley appeared to have caught a pass for a first down inside the 5 yard line. That is, until, James Harrison knocked it loose with a bone-jarring and legal hit. Ocho Cinco’s prediction of a Super Bowl run for his Bengals is starting to look like, uh, pretty stupid.

3

The hits just keep on coming for Auburn quarterback and Heisman front-runner Cam Newton. Foxsports.com is reporting that while Newton attended Florida, he had three separate instances of cheating. Not only did he turn in a paper that wasn’t his, but Newton followed that up by purchasing one off the internet. Cecil Newton, Sr. declined to comment on the story.

4

Jay Cutler completed four passes to DeAngelo Hall on Sunday, which would be great, you know, if Hall wasn’t on the other team. In what can only be described as a staple of the Mike Martz offense, Cutler’s four interceptions to Hall tied a NFL record. One of them, a 92-yard return for a touchdown, proved to be too much for the Bears to come back from in a 17-14 loss at home to the dreadful Redskins.

50.4

Cutler wasn’t the only quarterback who struggled Sunday. NFL legend and sexting whore Brett Favre threw three second-half interceptions en route to a rare loss for him at Lambeau. Vikings coach Brad Childress was critical of Favre’s play after the game saying “You can’t throw it to them, you’ve got to play within the confines of our system..It always will be hard that way. It’s hard to overcome on the road”. Apparently, Favre must have sent Sterger those pics from a home game.

25

Despite going undefeated in the 2004-2005 season, Auburn was never ranked #1. In fact, the Tigers have not sniffed the top ranking since the 1985 season. But that all changed Sunday when the BCS computers vaulted them into the #1 spot ahead of Oregon and Boise State. But it may not be a ranking they necessarily want. The top ranked teams have been falling at will including Oklahoma’s loss at Missouri over the weekend.

4,000,000

Disgruntled NBA star Allen Iverson is apparently taking his talents to Turkey. After he wasn’t able to secure a contract with a NBA team, Iverson decided that playing overseas was his best bet. Besitkas of the Turkish pro-league will pay him four million dollars over two years including a stipulation that he will not able to leave mid-season for the NBA.

225

Raise your hand if you had Kenny Britt in your fantasy league yesterday? The Titans wide receiver, who was involved in a club fight only three days earlier had the best game of his career tallying 225 yards and 3 touchdowns. Maybe this will spark a new trend? Brawlin and ballin, I can see it now.

204

The most exciting finish of the weekend? No, it did not take place on a baseball or football field but rather on the 204-yard, 17th green at TPC Summerlin. In the 4th playoff hole of the Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospital for Children Open, Jonathon Byrd scored a hole-in-one to cap off the Fall PGA schedule.

So we here at Guyism are giving you the highlights of most of the bowl games with a short picture essay.

Texas Tech’s Adam James was booed mercifully by Tech fans as he left the field during halftime of the Alamo Bowl. Because of the “danger to his life, he was escorted by several security guards. Luckily for James and Red Raider nation, Texas Tech was able to pull out a victory amongst all the strife in their program.

Sarah Thomas became the first woman to officiate a bowl game. Oddly enough, this was the most intriguing thing about the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl. Well that, and my ability to finish two Hot N’ Ready’s during the game.

If you missed the Auburn-Northwestern game you missed one of the wildest finishes in college football this year. You also apparently missed one hell of a titty twister.

Or is that a purple nurple?

Speaking of feeling purple, consider this kicker from ECU the Goat of the bowl season. Missing 4 field goals including several chip shots in the 30 yard range that would have won the Pirates the game. But as bad as he was, at least he didn’t get suspended for a food fight like two of his teammates.

One of the all-time greats Bobby Bowden is carried off the field by his players after defeating West Virginia in the Gator Bowl. Bowden may look happy here but he is steaming inside knowing his nemesis Joe Paterno is still coaching.

As happy as Jim Tressel is that his Buckeyes won the Rose Bowl and that he probably has a Heisman candidate in Terrelle Pryor next year, I’m guessing that the viewers don’t really want to see him making out with his wife. That is, unless you have one of those “old people getting it on” fetishes.

June Jones’ SMU team may have beaten Nevada in the Hawaii Bowl, but Jones doesn’t look too thrilled here about his return to the island We’re thinking he should just be happy he got lei’d.

How many Tigers fans out there would love to give Les Miles a punch of their own? After starting off the season 5-0, LSU limped to the finish losing 3 of their last 5 games including a 19-17 loss to Penn State in the Capital One Bowl. Its a wonder if this time next year, Les Miles will be getting a call from Wolverine nation.

Amidst speculation that he hit a player a few months ago, South Florida coach Jim Leavitt was still able to enjoy a Gatorade bath after defeating NIU in the International bowl. If Leavitt returns next year, the Bulls will be one of the most dangerous teams in the Big East

Easily the worst bowl game of the BCS era. Few wondered if Cincinnati could even hang with the Gators with Brian Kelly at the helm. Without him, they barely put up a fight as they were down 30-3 at halftime.

Embarrassing.