Selena Gomez won the red carpet...

The American Music Awards took place last night. There were winners (Katy Perry for instance). There were losers (Lady Gaga for example). And most of all, there were sexy celebrity women in fancy dresses including the getting hotter by the day Selena Gomez (wow). This is your rundown. (And I promise, no photos of Christina Aguilera. You’ll thank me.)

The winners:
New Artist of the Year, Pop/Rock: Hot Chelle Rae
New Artist Of The Year, Rap/Hip Hop: Wiz Khalifa
Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Album: Nicki Minaj – Pink Friday
Favorite Soul/R&B Album: Rihanna – Loud
Favorite Country Album: Taylor Swift – Speak Now
Favorite Female Pop Artist: Katy Perry
Favorite Country Band, Duo or Group: Lady Antebellum
Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Artist: Nicki Minaj
Favorite Country Female Artist: Taylor Swift
Favorite Pop/Rock Band, Duo or Group: Maroon 5
Favorite Latin Artist: Jennifer Lopez
Favorite Soul/R&B Female Artist: Beyonce
Favorite Pop or Rock Male Artist: Bruno Mars
Artist of the Year: Taylor Swift

Performance/costume of the night had to go to Jennifer Lopez for wearing whatever this was…

And here’s a handful of some of the sexy celebrity women who were on hand (in order below): Julie Bowen, Jennifer Hudson, Sarah Hyland, Heidi Klum, Jenny McCarthy, Vanessa Minnillo, Alanis Morrisette, Jennifer Morrison, Audrina Patridge, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift.

Kim Kardashian Sex Tape — Porn Website Enters the Mix
“…now Pornhub.com, which bills itself as the largest adult website on the planet, wants in on the action.”

Ray J Wants Another Piece of Kim K
“Ray J thinks it’s a fabulous idea for Vivid Entertainment to sell the rights to Kim K Superstar … so long as he gets a big piece of the action.”

Kim Kardashian Wants to Get Pregnant at Same Time as Sisters
“All three of us pregnant at the same time? That would be amazing!”

Prince’s Perfume Deal Costs Him Nearly $4 Mil
“Revelations Perfume and Cosmetics sued Prince over the ’3121′ odor in 2008 … claiming he never lived up to his end of the deal — to promote the scent.”

Lady Gaga Releases First ‘Fashion Film’ Version of ‘You and I’
“…it is perplexing, mesmerizing and just a bit odd, and nothing like the way-more elaborate, official music video for the rocking ballad.”

Jose Canseco’s Ex Granted Permanent Restraining Order Against Him
“Jose’s ex, Leila Shennib, was granted a three-year restraining order against him on August 11, 2011 at the Los Angeles Superior Courthouse.”

Audrina Patridge: Bone Deformity Affects Appearance of My Breasts
“Well, see I have this chest problem. My bone right here, it’s higher on this side? It’s pectoralis something.”

Lindsay Lohan: Mena and Dania are ‘Pathetic’
“Lindsay Lohan says it’s ‘pathetic’ that Mena Suvari and Dania Ramirez dragged her name into a parody video spotlighting her much-publicized misfortunes.”

Melanie Brown Welcomes a Girl
“I laughed so hard the baby popped out!!!”

WonderCon Moves To Anaheim For 2012
“WonderCon’s relocation has long been rumored because the Moscone Center in San Francisco is undergoing renovations and won’t be ready in time.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Video number two for Paz de la Huerta’s sexy ad campaign for Agent Provocateur.

The wall is now secure, sir...

Bongo Jeans is back with more pics (and a video!) of everyone’s favorite sexy nobody Audrina Patridge showing off some leg and looking her best in some behind-the-scenes action. These are pretty nice, I guess. I preferred when they used her to sell bikinis because that’s really her moneymaker, but, hey, it’s a semi-famous women with one of the better bodies man has made in a while so I really can’t complain that much. Okay, yes I can, but no one reads what I write anyway, so it doesn’t matter.

Angelina Jolie, Sarah Jessica Parker are the top paid actresses: $30 million
“Other actresses with bustling bank accounts: Jennifer Aniston, 42, and Reese Witherspoon, 35, who each earned $28 million.”

Charlie Sheen’s new TV show — Anger Management
“Charlie Sheen’s new TV show will be based on the movie Anger Management and Charlie will be playing the Jack Nicholson character.”

Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel giving relationship another try
“Jessica really wanted to get back together with him and Justin realized single life is not what it’s cracked up to be.”

American Idol alum Pia Toscano signs with Interscope
“…the Idol songstress will release her debut single, “This Time,” on July 12…”

George Clooney’s best friend: Why he dumped Elisabetta Canalis
“You never know in life, and men are having an identity crisis but I can tell you George is not gay.”

Casey Anthony sentenced to 4 years, but may be free within a month
“Despite that [murder] acquittal, she was found guilty on four counts for lying to investigators following Caylee’s disappearance.”

James Spader officially heads to The Office
“…the Boston Legal veteran won’t be the new Scranton branch manager of Dunder Mifflin — he’ll be the CEO of Sabre.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger eager to return to acting after divorce
“He wants to put this chapter of his life behind him, and make hit movies.”

Maria Shriver: Thanks for the offers, but no thanks
“Maria Shriver has been deluged with offers to go back on the air, but she’s turning them all down flat … at least for now.”

David Hasselhoff to play well endowed porn star on Sons of Anarchy
“Time to dig out that old red speedo!”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Audrina Patridge’s sexy new cover shoot for FHM magazine.

You can check out more of Audrina Patridge and the kama sutra at FHM.com.

Audrina, if nothing else, is definitely in shape...

We haven’t seen nor heard much from Audrina Patridge since her new TV show sexily debuted a couple of months ago. I guess it’s still on the air since Shape magazine selected her to pose in bikinis and exercise for their latest issue. When I see photo shoots like this I wonder if someone representing Audrina paid Shape to feature her or whether Shape just ran out of people who’d pose for free. It has to be one of those explanations, right? I mean, Audrina’s in great shape and all, but does anyone really care what she does anymore? Maybe women do, I suppose, but who the hell knows what they’re ever thinking.

More “Blake Lively” nude photos leaked
“The hacker who claims to have naked pictures of Blake Lively has just upped the ante, scoffing at claims the pics are photoshopped.”

Justin Bieber fans send fresh round of death threats to Selena Gomez
“Stay away from Justin paedophile… I’m gonna kill ya in the night underneath your smell bed.”

J. Lo honeymoon tape triggers porn war
“Red Light District, YouPorn.com, and PornHub.com are all trying to top each other.”

Kim Kardashian is not pregnant, despite reports
“…believe that if you hear it from me, it will be true.”

Hayden Panettiere not dating Mark Sanchez, says source
“They’re really just friends.”

Sean Kingston expected to make full recovery in six weeks
“…sources told the news network that the ‘Beautiful Girls’ singer suffered a broken jaw, a fractured wrist and water in his lungs.”

Audrina Patridge’s boyfriend threatens to rip head off love rival
“@NicRoldan if I ever see u C**t I’m gonna rip your fu*kin head off.”

Is Jay Leno stealing jokes for “The Tonight Show”?
“In the world of comedy, there’s nothing worse than stealing material.”

Patrick Dempsey leaving “Grey’s Anatomy”?
“Farewell, McDreamy?”

Tony Romo, Candice Crawford slammed for “ridiculous” registry
“Nothing says everlasting love like a Martha Stewart Cupcake Tree!”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Playboy ranks the Top 23 Air Jordans of All-Time (with the help of some Playmates).

This might be the best televsion show ever...

Audrina Patridge’s new reality show on VH1 aired for the first time over the weekend and from the looks of things the show is about upskirts, lingerie, bikinis, and loads of cleavage. I smell an Emmy! I have no idea what the show was about because I didn’t have the sound on, but as you can see from these screencaps there really was no need for sound. The pictures in this case are worth a thousand words anyway. Several thousand, in fact.

DWTS’ Karina Smirnoff to pose nude for Playboy
“Who broke the naked news about the Ukraine-born Dancing with the Stars pro, 33? Hugh Hefner, naturally.”

MTV orders two Jersey Shore spin-offs
“Pauly D will have his own reality show … so will Snooki and Jwoww.”

Is Matt Lauer leaving the Today Show?
“Fresh of the heels of news that Meredith Vieira may not renew her contract at Today once it expires later this year, reports have surfaced that her co-host, Matt Lauer, will also step down from his position… ”

Judd Family ‘angry and hurt’ about Ashley’s memoir shockers
“These ugly family accusations should be discussed in private within the family, not printed and sold to the public to make a quick buck.”

Jennifer Aniston thinks she should marry George Clooney
“That would definitely shut up the world! I could call up George, say, ‘Hon, let’’s just get hitched and have kids…’ I should take George to lunch and we can figure out how to put an end to all this.”

Lindsay Lohan to play John Gotti’s daughter Victoria
“Lindsay Lohan beat out Blake Lively AND Sienna Miller for her new role as Victoria Gotti — and TMZ has learned … Victoria herself made sure that happened.”

Lauren Conrad lands another huge book deal
“Her new series will revolve around reality television — something Conrad knows all about…”

Heidi Montag, Jake Pavelka, Danielle Staub filming a new reality show
“They are revamping a restaurant from the ground up. They started shooting this past weekend.”

Audrina Patridge and her sister also have a new VH1 reality show
“And it’s aptly titled, ‘Audrina.’”

Charlie Sheen wants Mila Kunis to be one of his ‘goddesses’
“Here’s the good news – my goddesses have already f-cking approved her. She’s pre-approved!”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model Irina Shayk for the latest Luli Fama Swimwear collection

That hair is really in a bad spot...

So I guess this Bongo company thinks that Audrina Patridge is going to provide them with the path to more sales and riches beyond their wildest dreams. That or she came cheap, has a nice rack, and they figured, “Eh, what the hell?” One of those things. I’m not sure whether I am happy or upset with this development. On one hand I am always down for seeing a tall skinny babe with a nice set of fake cans in a bikini, but on the other hand it puts us so much further from the inevitable ‘leaked’ sex tape that I am sure would be forthcoming if people stopped paying attention to Audrina. Oh well, the reality is she got this job and her hooters look good in these outfits so I am going to focus on the positive. It’s just how I roll.

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Blake Lively is now single. About f–kin’ time.

— Model Jessica White is also now single, but she scares me a little bit.

— Speaking of newly single babes, Christina Aguilera is having a little trouble getting the Ewok to move out their house.

— Audrina Patridge’s mom, Lynn, got drunk and went on an epic rant (ON VIDEO!!). Trust me, this is one time the word “epic” is not being used improperly.

— By now you’ve all heard about Charlie Sheen and his little “episode” with the hooker/porn star, right? Well, Capri Anderson (the hooker/porn star) now wants to meet with Colorado prosecutors to claim Charlie held her against her will and get his probation revoked. How much money you want to bet that Chuck gets off scott-free? Seriously… I will bet anyone any amount of money he cruises on this.

— David Arquette. Midget strippers. That is all.

— Reggie Bush is not happy with Kim Kardashian… over a car wash billing mistake. Seriously.

— Kendra Wilkinson turned down Playboy. No, really, she did. Though I guess once you’ve released a sex tape, what’s the point of doing Playboy? Oops. Sorry, Kim.

— Oprah Winfrey is being sued for plagiarism. It seems like a possible frivolous lawsuit but anything that gets under the Big O’s skin is fine by me.

— Katy Perry says she’s a freak in bed. Of course she said that.

— Speaking of Playboy, they also offered the target of Mel Gibson’s “affection” Oksana Grigorieva her own spread in the magazine. Which she turned down. Damn. We could have had some bonus Mel stuff if that’d happened.

— Tila Tequila is being accused of armed kidnapping. Yeah, I thought that might bring out a chuckle or two.

— Mariah Carey is not only fat now she’s also pregnant.

— In this week’s Lindsay Lohan news, it seems LiLo is having a bit of trouble paying for her rehab. On the bright side, she was offered the money to cover it if she’d do a porno.

— I hate mentioning this because it only gives her more attention, but Taylor Momsen might be the most insufferable human being on the planet. And this is a planet with Spencer Pratt and Kristen Stewart on it.

— And finally, mirrors are still not Britney Spears’ friend.

This week’s sexy video comes to us courtesy of Virgin Unite who is raising money and awareness for fistula by showing what a typical morning on Necker Island is for Richard Branson (Hint: It involves bikinis, Alessandra Ambrosio, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Brooklyn Decker, Linsday Ellingson, Jarah Mariano, Erin Heatherton, Miranda Kerr, and Marisa Miller. Yeah…

Because I am concerned about her and her career, I thought we’d see what Hills alum Audrina Patridge was up to these days. I guess this is Audrina going to rehearsals or getting ready to exercise for her Dancing With The Stars gig. Either way she’s wearing spandex pants showing off one of the three reasons she may have a shot at staying semi-famous once her run on DWTS ends. That’s nice.

The MTV Video Music Awards took place last night for some reason. Not sure how you can have video music awards when no one watched music videos anymore, but I digress. As usual, since it is a lame awards show, many sexy babes were there including Emma Stone in the best dress of the evening. Also in attendance, shown in order below, Emma, Hayley Williams, Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, Audrina Patridge, Victoria Justice, Rosario Dawson, Amber Lancaster, Ciara, Ashley Greene, Jenna Jameson, Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Brenda Song, Jenni ‘JWoww’ Farley, and Maria Menounos.

Even more sexy pics from the VMAs here and here and here and here.

Remember the other day how I was kind of mad that a nobody like Audrina Patridge was on vacation, bikini-ing it up in some tropical paradise. Well, she’s still doing that. Man, she makes me hate my life. Sorry… Plus I apologize for the latest douche to be banging Audrey being in these pics, gumming them all up. Hopefully her massive mams will more than make up for it. Happy weekend, people!!

Seeing Audrina Patridge on a vacation in Hawaii wearing a bikini kind of makes me hate life. I mean, I could really use a vacation and this chick, who does nothing, is where I should be. Then again, it is a babe with a big rack in a bikini so it’s not all bad, right? Nope, I was wrong. It still makes me angry. Enjoy the unemployed bewbs.

I’m not usually a big fan of posting what basically amounts to free advertising, but when a company sticks Audrina Patridge in some sexy outfits and take pics of her, well, let’s just say I am willing to be flexible. I’d tell you what company this is for, but, well, I think you’ll figure it out. I suppose there’ll be more stuff like this for Audrina Patridge as she tried to cash in on what’s left of her fame now that The Hills is off the air, then it’s on to bigger and better for her. And by bigger and better I mean posing for Playboy and working the strip clubs. I mean that in the best possible way too.

Remember the other day when I said that there weren’t any stars at some Muscle Milk Fitness Retreat thingy, just Lindsay and Ali Lohan and Stacy Keibler? Well, I guess there was a star there… Audrina Patridge. Wait, no… I guess there still weren’t any stars there. My bad. I guess if you’re going to go all B-List for celebs to promote your product one could do a lot worse than these four ladies. Way to go Muscle Milk!!

Since it’s Memorial Day weekend and many of you will be spending time at the beach or by the pool I thought I would give you something to grade how well your holiday is going. If you see yabos even remotely as fancy as the ones seen here during the finale of The Hills on Audrina Patridge your holiday is going pretty darn good. Toodles…

For some reason magazines in other countries seem to have a fascination with The Hills’ Audrina Patridge. First she appeared in FHM UK, and now she’s all sexed up for Ralph magazine. I don’t get it. People in the United States pretty much have had enough of people from The Hills, haven’t they? What’s that? She looks good in a bikini? Oh… Okay then, now it all makes sense.

Apparently Las Vegas was the place to be this weekend. Not only was Marisa Miller and Nicole Scherzinger there looking ridiculous hot, but our favorite no-talent, famous merely for her smokin’ bod actress Audrina Patridge celebrated her 25th birthday there, in a bikini, of course. You know, I really like looking at these photos of Audrina in a bikini as much as the next guy, but there’s a small part of me that hates her for being able to to things that I can’t do, simply because she has a nice physique, great tits, and lives in the vicinity of Hollywood allowing to get a cush job on some lame TV show. I guess the only real solution is more me to look harder and focus more on her fake boobies. Yep, that fixed me right up…

In break-up news, Audrina Patridge and Ryan Cabrera broke up. Whoever the hell Ryan Cabrera is. Also this week Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick ended their relationship, or more precisely Ed dumped Jessica. Because he apparently has so many other better options. I’m sure there won’t be any tension on the Gossip Girl set as a result of the breakup though.

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy also called it quits. Said Jim on Twitter, “Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I’m grateful 4 the many blessings we’ve shared and I wish her the very best! S’okay! ?;^>” Does anyone else wish Twitter had never been invented?

In WTF news, Hugh Jackman is set to play a guy with balls on his chin. No joke. He will be playing a man with genitalia attached to his face in a very risque comedy opposite Oscar-winning actress Kate Winslet. Jackman plays a man whose testicles are located under his chin and Winslet plays a woman who goes out on a date with his character. Again, I repeat, this is real.

In even bigger WTF news, a Survivor producer is suspected of killing his wife, then dumping her in the sewer. Pimp My Ride and former Survivor producer Bruce Beresford-Redman was arrested Thursday as a suspect in his wife’s death days after reporting her missing in Cancun.

In your weekly Lindsay Lohan update, Lindsay’s dad, Michael Lohan, is now engaged to one Kate Major. What is odd about this is that Kate was once a key member of Lindsay’s entourage. Gee, I wonder what Lindsay thinks of that. If only she had commented. Oh wait, she did… “I’m gonna vomit!” she told UsMagazine.com after hearing the wedding news Tuesday. “I so didn’t need that info … Yuck!” Look at the bright side, Lilo, maybe once they’re married she can help you get back into some clubs again.

In an exclusive interview, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s former bodyguard reveals that since Brad and his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston reconnected at the 2009 Academy Awards, they have hooked up four times. Angelina is so going to beat Jen’s ass if this is true.

And in your weekly someone cheated on someone (a lot) news, the Jesse James – Sandra Bullock story just keeps getting weirder. It seems that Jesse used his wife’s credit card to pay for a high priced call girl while she was away filming Blind Side. But wait, there’s more! Jesse also allegedly made over 12 sex tapes with his mistresses. But wait, there’s more! Most of the tapes feature a mass amount of Nazi paraphernalia. But wait, there’s even more! After barely a week, Jesse James bailed on sex rehab. Then a day or so later, he returned. This is the story that just keeps on giving, isn’t it?

Nicollete Sheridan is suing Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry for $20 million citing assault and battery, gender violence and wrongful termination. Oh, and she didn’t like being killed off the show. That too. Mostly that.

In other legal news, Sean Penn is being sued for making death threats against a photographer. In a suit filed in Los Angeles County Superior Court, Jordan Dawes claims Penn assaulted him by “kicking and punching” him as he filmed a documentary about paparazzi in October 2009. That Sean Penn, he so silly…

According to the doctor charged with the death of Michael Jackson, it was Michael who, in fact, killed himself. Dr. Conrad Murray’s defense is that he was taking a leak while MJ gave himself the lethal shot. Ah, the old “I was taking a leak” defense. That one always works.

And finally, in news that is sure to make your weekend, Heidi Klum says that she is so relaxed about nudity she happily goes naked in front of her parents. Says Heidi, “I think it’s because I grew up in a very easy-going family where my parents were always naked.” I wonder if her mom is hot? You know you were thinking the same thing…