Guyism » Australia

Eye really shouldn’t drink this way

Colin Joliat — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 20:30:52 +0000

People have come up with a lot of different ways to get drunk over the years. I’ve done keg stands, funneled, chugged, shotgunned, and even flabongo’d a beer. I’ve slammed cocktails, played shot checkers and liquor pong, and downed an 8 ounce shot. One thing you won’t find me doing, though, is putting alcohol anywhere other than my mouth (or on a fresh wound in emergency situations). No one has suggested pouring vodka in my eye yet, but if someone did, I’m smart enough to know that it’s a bad idea. Apparently that’s not the case everywhere.

I’ve heard rumors of this, as well as soaking a certain feminine product in vodka before insertion, and just assumed that it was a short lived idiotic idea. It first started to hit the news outlets a few years ago, but it’s been fairly quiet on the optical intoxication front lately. Leave it to the Australians to either resurrect, or continue, the trend.

A flood of YouTube clips highlighting the fad of pouring pure vodka straight on to the eye has caught the attention of extreme drinkers eager for the promised fast-tracked inebriation.

Some teenagers across the country have been reported to be dabbling in the stunt.

As a wise drunk man once said, “If it’s on YouTube, it must be a good idea.”

As you can probably tell from my brief bio down below, I am not a doctor. The last time I studied any hard science was a geology mini-course about rocks my junior year of college. I don’t think it takes Bill Nye to know that pouring vodka in your eye is a bad idea though. I’ve had a drink thrown in my face before, and that inadvertent testing is all the evidence I need to figure out that this isn’t going to end well. You know the burning sensation you get in your throat when you take a bad shot? Imagine that, only 10x worse. A spec of dust in the eye causes hours of irritation; I can only imagine what a few ounces of ethanol would do.

Just in case you don’t believe me, here’s some words of wisdom from an actual doctor.

“Direct application of alcohol to the delicate tissues of the cornea can cause excruciating pain, burns and ulceration.

“The mechanism is very similar to welding flash burns, which everyone knows are very painful.

“It may even lead to temporary blindness until the corneal surface heals.”

He also noted that there aren’t enough blood vessels in your eye socket to actually get drunk, so essentially they are just wasting perfectly good alcohol. Just remember, if you think your corneas are going to be exposed to alcohol, bring goggles like this kid in the Detroit Tigers’ locker room.

Story via Herald Sun

VIDEO: Australian morning show tries to set pizza slapping world record

Chris Spags — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 14:28:35 +0000

Last week we witnessed two girls going for the world record of pizza slaps to the face. Now, the Australian TODAY morning show went for the record with two male anchors. And like my family crest says, “When there’s a video of people being slapped in the face with Italian food, we’ll post it.”

So the first time we discussed the video with the two cute girls doing it, I said that it was clearly mildly arousing to some strange person out there. But I felt like this one was far more entertaining. Mostly because, at times, it looked like any time two guys get into a vaguely physical situation that starts as a joke then can end up as a physically aggressive situation. Around seven seconds in the slaps start getting harder, pizza flies a little more vigorously, we were probably five more seconds of pizza slapping away from a full-on brawl.

Either way, where’s Italy in all this? You’re really going to let all these other countries denigrate one of your prized exports without sending someone up to bat? Get to work, everyone whose last name ends in a vowel.

VIDEO: Aboriginal woman has the best verbal trash talk on a train ever

Chris Spags — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 14:32:41 +0000

This video clip says it’s a fight between an “Aboriginal woman and a Bogan,” which sounds like classifications of characters from Harry Potter, but means an ethnic person and some other lower class individual. Anyway, the aboriginal woman just gets after it, trash talking like a beast and requesting she gets sucked off. She goes hard.

I do enjoy the abject terror the guy filming this seems to have. Clearly he knows he’s recording gold but he’s terrified that this aborigine is going to see him filming her, then turn her aggressive requests for oral stimulation-based dominance on him.

Either way, if someone’s insults being hurled at me were as delightfully rhythmic and illogical, I think I’d have to just laugh it off. The fact that this lady is build like one of the Wild Samoans doesn’t hurt that approach either.

VIDEO: The most absurd, high-budget commercial for an Australian home ever

Chris Spags — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 18:00:19 +0000

This Australian ad for real estate Neo Property’s listing for 15 Queen Anne Court may lack in subtlety, but it doesn’t lack in implied lesbianism, girls in their underwear, action movie budgeting, and a sweaty lingerie model tied up and writhing. Easily the sexiest ad you’ve seen since those Morgan Fairchild ones for Old Navy’s cargo pants.

Well, if I were in Australia and had a spare couple million dollars sitting around under my bed, I’d say I’d have found my new dream home. But I’d insist that they abide by the letter of the commercial and include the tied up lingerie model. Hey, if you didn’t want me enslaving attractive women, maybe you should have been more specific in your real estate listing.

Personally, I’m just glad that they caught those two half-naked, blonde, lesbian terrorists. Those two are dangerous. And arrogant. You kidnap someone then take a sojourn to make out on the luxurious 15 Queen Anne Court balcony AND in the king size master bedroom? That’s just reckless.

Watch an Absurd, Possibly Effective Australian Real-Estate Commercial [NY Mag]

Flight attendant puts a baby in overhead compartment, gets fired

Chris Spags — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 21:31:42 +0000

When you’re a flight attendant, the first rule of the job should probably “Don’t store growing humans somewhere they could suffocate to death.” Unfortunately, this bit of common sense was lost on an Australian Virgin Blue employee.

Fat babies have to be checked in to fly under the plane on Virgin Blue.

According to the Williamson family, the father Shayne was engaging their son, 17-month-old Riley, in a game of peak-a-boo when the flight attendant took the baby and placed him in the overhead bin.

“I stood up and there were people laughing and then I said ‘Get my son out of there now,’” the mother Natalie told Melbourne’s Sunday Herald Sun.

“I was devastated. I was absolutely devastated. I was crying. My husband was in shock. For days on end I was crying.”

The flight attendant was fired and the family was offered reimbursement for the full amount of two return flights. The family said they, and young Riley, are traumatized by the incident.

I certainly get that you can’t run through life shoving infants into cramped dark places. But it seems a bit dramatic to see the flight attendant being an ass as a life-ruiner for the 17-month-old kid. Yes, Riley was probably like, “Uh, why am I back in a random darkened cavern again” for a couple minutes. But then when he got out, he probably saw a cookie or something shiny and was like, “Holy shit! Look at that! I remember nothing else from the last twenty minutes because I’m a baby!” So seriously, cool out mama bear. Negligent and stupid? Sure. Something to worry about days or weeks later? Definitely not.

Tot ‘put in plane’s overhead locker’ [Courier Mail via SFgate]

VIDEO: Australian female anchor makes awkward dong joke on live TV

Chris Spags — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 15:57:07 +0000

There are three things to take away from this clip: 1) Andrew Strauss plays cricket; 2) Ten Adelaide anchor Mark Aiston has a small but impressive penis; and 3) Aiston’s co-anchor Belinda Heggen is one cold chick. In this clip, Heggen likens a tiny trophy Strauss won to Aiston’s penis and the joke comes off as exceedingly vicious.

Switching to a higher res version authorized by Ten News, per their sort of legalish request.

You can cut that tension with a knife. But not with Mark Aiston’s penis. It’d just kind of touch the tension lightly for 30 seconds, only to leave the tension sitting there like, “Um, is it in yet?” as Aiston apologizes profusely.

That said, this Heggen is one cold blooded woman. She delivered that burn with no sense of remorse or levity. Just like it was a fact and she knew it. But still, she did imply Aiston’s johnson was small “but impressive”…you’ve got to find the little victories in life, Mark.

Man claims he can see into the future, convinces woman to sleep with him

Chris Spags — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 16:58:30 +0000

Guys try a lot of crazy tricks into get into a girl’s pants but this one might be the craziest yet…a Japanese tourist in Australia claims that a local man convinced her to have sex with him by saying he was from the future and that if she didn’t have sex with him, she would die.

A court is hearing the case which stems from a man telling the woman that if they didn’t have sex on a “sacred site,” she would die.

The woman was told by the man that he could see her dying in a hospital in three years time if she didn’t have sex with him at a local historic site of cave art.

The case stemmed from the fact that the woman felt that her “will was overpowered by him.” The prosecutor claimed that due to the man’s ruse, the woman was unable to reject him.

The judge dismissed the case saying “there is no way (a jury) would convict on her evidence,” which the judge found inconsistent and contradictory.

The judge said the woman just may have been “incredibly naive or gullible.”

Well, I can’t condone what this guy did, but clearly this girl just wasn’t on the ball. Personally, I just like to find girls who can’t really swim well, offer to train them, then instruct them that my genitals are a scuba and all of the air is in my testicles. But I’m more of a romantic at heart, I guess.

Japanese tourist claims man told her: ‘You must have sex with me or die’ [News.com.au]

Man tattoos 15-inch penis on unwitting friend’s back, charged with assault

Chris Spags — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 15:22:42 +0000

Tattoos are permanent so when selecting one, it’s crucial to be sure you know what you’re getting. So you can imagine the disappointment of a 21-year-old Australian man who asked his amateur tattoo artist friend to give him a yin and yang with dragons and instead got a 15-inch penis on his back.

Police say that the tattoo victim was not particularly interested in getting a tattoo done but was coerced by the amateur tattooist to get one done.

Once he completed the tattoo, the tattooist told the victim to not go out into the sun and not show anyone the tattoo for a few weeks to avoid ruining it.

However, when the victim got home, he showed his roommate and was told, “I don’t think it’s the tattoo you were after.”

Instead of a yin and yang symbol resplendent with dragons, the man now has a lengthy penis and a slogan implying he was gay etched into his back.

The amateur tattoo artist is charged with two counts of assault occasioning bodily harm.

Man, who would have guessed that getting a ridiculously cliché tattoo of a yin and yang symbol with dragons from your 21-year-old friend who isn’t a professional tattoo artist in his home without pre-approving a design was a bad idea? Oh, everyone on Earth? Well then.

On the plus side, at least it was a huge penis. You don’t want a small penis tattooed on your back along with gay slogans. No sir, if you’re going to be representing a lust for genitals on your back against your will, at least aim for the best.

40cm penis tattooed on man’s back [Queensland Times]

Quote of the Day

Chris Spags — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 16:30:28 +0000

The law has a way about inserting itself into situations where people are hurting themselves, whether it be drug use or, in this case, a guy in a wheelchair “driving” drunkenly.

A SERIAL drink-driver has avoided jail for crashing his motorised wheelchair into a police car while almost five times over the legal limit.

Jean-Paul Escudie, 65, faced Cairns Magistrate Court today after pleading guilty to his seventh drink-driving charge since 2005.

The court was told Escudie crashed his motorised wheelchair into an unmarked police car in the Cairns CBD on August 5 after a pub session followed by dinner and drinks with friends.

No-one was injured and the incident caused minimal damage, but he was charged with drink-driving after recording a blood-alcohol reading of 0.232 per cent.

French-born Escudie was given a six-month suspended prison sentence after passing out in a turning lane on the Captain Cook Highway in his wheelchair while more than six times over the limit in 2008.

“You were a risk to yourself rather than a risk to others,” she said.

No jail time for drunk wheelchair driver [News.com.au]

VIDEO: Australia’s Next Top Model announces wrong winner

Chris Spags — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 15:05:34 +0000

You don’t have to be a fan of Australia’s Next Top Model or reality TV of any sort to enjoy this clip. But a moderate joy for human failure and dreams being crushed helps….on yesterday’s finale of Australia’s Next Top Model, host Sarah Murdoch announced the wrong winner. On live TV. Oops.

It’s pretty inexcusable to make a mistake like that, obviously. Especially when you can just look at the two women and guess who’d win. Really, the short anorexic girl who looks vaguely like Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets didn’t finish in first place? I’m shocked.

The ultimate guide to the sexy fans of the World Cup nations

A. Isaac — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 16:48:13 +0000

The World Cup is more than just a celebration of international soccer. It’s a celebration of scantily clad hot women draped in the flags of their respective countries. So to prepare you for endless round the clock soccer action in South Africa, here’s a look at some of the sexiest fans of every single World Cup nation.

From Algeria and Argentina to Uruguay and the United States.

Algeria

Argentina

Australia

Brazil

Cameroon

Chile

Denmark

England

France

Germany

Ghana

Greece

Honduras

Italy

Ivory Coast

Japan

Don’t miss page 2!!

18-year-old girl gets plastic surgery to “feel young again”

Chris Spags — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:08:13 +0000

I’d imagine that if we did a Family Feud-style poll of all of the women who’ve received plastic surgery, the most popular reason would be, “To look younger.” And that’s fine, whatever you have to do to feel good isn’t any of my business. But it’s a little weird when you’re aspiring to that when you’re 18 years old like Australia’s Ambah Young.

Ambah Young, pictured left, had her first daughter at 16 years old and now wants to undergo several procedures to get herself back on point.

Young told Australia’s Daily Telegraph that she plans on going to Malaysia to get a tummy tuck, breast implants, and a “‘designer’ vagina procedure.”

The surgeries are expected to cost $13,000, which Young is borrowing from a friend.

Young claims that she tried exercise but didn’t get the results she wanted. Now, she’s hoping that the surgery will make her feel good about herself again.

“I’m having this surgery so that I can feel my age again,” she told the Daily Telegraph.

I’m all for doing whatever you can to find your happiness, particularly when it involves you theoretically looking better. But when you’re an 18-year-old girl, that seems too young to be trying to make drastic changes in your life. Particularly when you popped out a daughter at 16. So unless this “designer vagina procedure” is sewing it shut or creating an intricate irrigation system that won’t allow your penchant for creampies to result in another kid, you’re probably going about changing your life the wrong way.

We got the above photo from Facebook, but you can see a more glamor-ish shot of her here.

So what do you think: Yay or nay on the cosmetic surgery?

Ambah Young, 18, has cosmetic surgery to feel young again [Daily Telegraph]

Doctor banned after doing all sorts of weird sexual things to patients

Chris Spags — Fri, 28 May 2010 13:03:36 +0000

Unconventional medicine is a very lucrative industry despite the fact that there isn’t a whole lot of proof that “medicine specialists” can cure a whole lot. But hey, if you think it helps, so be it. That said, if you meet a doctor like Australia’s Dr. Grant Woo, accused of odd sexually deviant activities to heal patients, well, maybe you want to hit up the local physician instead.

Woo had his medical license revoked in Australia after complaints from female patients that his conduct was unprofessional.

Woo is accused of shoving Chinese herbal powder into a woman’s cooch in an attempt to treat her digestive problems. He also allegedly convinced a woman he needed to examine a woman internally (it’s unclear how exactly he accomplished this) to hit a pressure point that was affecting a hormonal imbalance.

The most tame claim against him? He stroked a third patient’s nipples to “stimulate her hormones.”

The Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal banned Woo from re-applying for his medical license for two years, saying that his processes were not medical and in fact “for his own sexual gratification.”

One can only assume the VCAT and the female patients of Australia’s gain is the big big loss of the rubber glove industry.

Doctor banned for bizarre patient sex exams [Nine.msn.au]
Image Source [Flickr]

New TV show wants to help you lose your virginity for money

Shawn Norris — Mon, 10 May 2010 14:59:14 +0000

A new Australian television show is auctioning the virginity of its contestants under the guise that it is art. Australia doesn’t see it as artistic, they see it as prostitution.

Attention virgins: Director Justin Sisely wants to make a documentary about male and females that are willing share their first time having sex and sell it to a national audience. You won’t be a prostitute because it’s not like you’re selling your body for money. And it’s not like you’ll be filming at a brothel. Wait, those two things are exactly what’s happening.

Justin Sisely has spent more than a year recruiting male and female virgins willing to auction themselves on camera.

However, he faces being charged with prostitution if he goes ahead with the deal on Australian soil.

I dunno if this director is just completely daft or simply doesn’t completely understand the definition of the word “prostitute.” He’ll be paying each contestant $20,000 for their services and 90% of whatever price each “contestant” is sold for at auction. The other 10% will go to– wait for it– a Nevada brothel where the show is being held. Yeah, there is going to be a face-to-face auction at a Nevada brothel.

No this isn’t prostitution, it’s art! But try telling mom and dad that. Apparently that’s the hardest part for the director. Turns out that people don’t want to see their sons and daughters sell their bodies for money on national television. According to one contestant, this doesn’t technically mean she’s a prostitute though.

“Technically I’m selling my virginity for money, technically that would be classified as prostitution, but it’s not going to be a regular thing, so in my head I can justify that I’m not going to be a prostitute,” she said.

Except for that one time where you received money for having sexual intercourse with that gentleman at the brothel in Nevada…

Director Justin Sisely auctions off Aussie virginities [News.com Australia]

Quote of the Day

Chris Spags — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 16:30:04 +0000

Australian sperm donations reached an all-time low so the country decided to import sperm from the US. Makes sense (USA USA USA). But within this article lies the greatest pun taken out of context in the history of Quote of the Day.

Queensland Fertility Group, the largest fertility clinic in Townsville, 1300 kilometers from Brisbane, pays more than $700 an ampule for sperm imported from the U.S.

In the past, clinics used to rely on university students who were short on cash to donate sperm but these days not enough north Queensland men, or even Australian men, are prepared to donate.

Infertility specialist Dr Ron Chang attributed this decline to recent changes to the law that mean sperm donors have to be contactable once the child they helped to conceive turns 18.

“All the donors stopped coming…,” he said.

Townsville forced to import sperm from US [Herald Sun]

Thai Spice refuses to serve you and your “gay” dog, sir

Shawn Norris — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 11:30:40 +0000

That’s the message Ian Jolly and his seeing-eye dog Nudge were given when he and his companion tried to enter a small restaurant in Grange, Australia. An employee of Thai Spice denied service to Jolly and his wife after restaurant workers mistook his “guide dog” for a “gay dog.”

“The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog,” a statement from the hearing said.

I’m thinking that there may have been a bit of a communication issue here. I’m no veterinarian, but I’m not entirely sure that last sentence makes sense. There was also a sign on the front door welcoming “guide dogs.” But the real issue here is who cares what sexual orientation this dog chooses? He’s got a purpose in life and gainful employment; more than I can say about most of the straight dogs I know. And to all gay dogs thinking of dining at possibly discriminatory Australian restaurants — Even if you’re not driving, don’t order the white wine spritzer. It’s a dead giveaway.

For the inconvenience, Mr. Jolly and his dog were awarded $1500.

Gay dogs not welcome, diner told [The Sunday Mail]

VIDEO: Australian TV host gets a handful of Kim Kardashian booty

Chris Spags — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 14:07:23 +0000

Kim Kardashian has the type of body that could make you forget where you are and instinctively make honking noises and grabby hands. So this video of Kim telling an Australian TV host, “You can grab it if you want” may very well be the hottest video involving an Australian since “Kangaroo Jack.”

In case you watched with the sound off, the review of the fat Australian hostess who looks a bit like a shaved Ron Jeremy was that Kim’s ass is “soft, it’s juicy, and it’s real.” Well then. Ten thousand black athletes and a fat Australian lady can’t be wrong.

Australian Talk Show — Kim K. Is a Handful! [TMZ]

19-year-old female cop fired for wanting to bone everyone

Chris Spags — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 16:45:11 +0000

Here’s a fun one…an Australian 19-year-old working as a police officer was kicked off the force for conduct unbecoming of a police officer. She sued, but lost her unfair dismissal claim. The reason she was fired: Attempting to have sex with every man in uniform. Oh and lying about witnesses and being generally crazy. But mostly the sex thing.

A POLICE officer who was sacked after begging colleagues for sex has lost her unfair dismissal claim.

Within days of being posted Jessica Parfrey propositioned her supervisor to have an affair because “everyone knows you’re supposed to fall in love with your buddy”.

A month later, after he turned her down, she told him: “Can’t we just f***? I am a 19-year-old girl, what is wrong with you?”

The Industrial Relations Commission in Sydney heard that Ms Parfrey also offered an officer oral sex in a pub toilet and carpark and later propositioned another, saying: “I know you want me.”

She tried to call another colleague 12 times, left six text messages and then offered to help him study for his police exams by stripping off an item of clothing for every question he got correct. He refused.

Unfortunately it wasn’t all barroom BJs and Alicia-Silverstone-in-”The-Crush” propositions of the boss. Parfrey was also accused of being willing to fake evidence (allegedly saying to a partner that she’d claim she saw a suspected drunk driver behind the wheel when she only saw him 100 meters away from the car) and wanting to game the system (she wanted to attend scenes of fatal traffic accidents so that she could claim she was “f**ked up in the head” and file a hurt-on-duty claim).

So we all learned something today. It’s probably not a great idea to get involved with a crazy sex addict who’ll go down on you in a bathroom because she might have deeper issues. And it’s an even worse idea to have a person like that as an officer of the law. Unless you’re a criminal who’s watched enough porn to be prepared for a situation like this. In which case, jackpot.

‘Sex mad’ cop Jessica Parfrey loses unfair dismissal claim [News.com.au]

And here’s some more fun stuff we think you’ll like…

High school kid punished for “Killing hookers” Facebook fan page

Chris Spags — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 16:57:32 +0000

I’m sure you’ve all seen those wacky Facebook fan pages for concepts like “The cooler side of the pillow” or “How you pee crooked after sex” or whatever. One teenager in Australia made a funny little page for “Killing your hooker so you don’t have to pay her” and, shocker, he got in a wee bit of trouble.

A CATHOLIC school student has been “dealt with” after he set up a Facebook page that appeared to advocate killing prostitutes.

The page, called “Killing your hooker so you don’t have to pay her”, has now been removed by Facebook but not before almost 18,000 people joined the site.

The principal of St Laurence’s College in Queensland, Ian McDonald, confirmed a student from the school had been disciplined over the creation of the page.

“It has been sorted out and the boy has been dealt with,” Mr McDonald said.

“The student told us, of course, he didn’t believe what was on there and he did something stupid.”

Well, I guess technically this is a stupid thing to do. Kind of funny, but stupid. That said, I’m not sure joking about killing hookers so you don’t have to pay them is such a massive taboo. If you can do something in an extremely popular series of video games that dominate pop culture, it’s not such a big deal. Which is why I don’t get why I would get such dirty looks from people when I’d pop mushrooms and stomp turtles to death.

St Laurence’s College student disciplined after setting up ‘kill hookers’ Facebook page [News.net.au]

Man breaks into house, steals bra and tuna, watches old woman sleep

Chris Spags — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 14:47:05 +0000

The things some guys do when breaking into a home is undeniably bizarre. That said, you might have a hard time topping this one: A 20-year-old broke into an elderly woman’s home, stole her tuna and ice cream, put one of her bras on his head, then stood over her and watched her sleep. Fortunately, she woke up and chased after him with her catheter bag to get him out. Yeah.

A WOMAN, 61, chased a man out of her house wielding a catheter bag after he stood over her bed with one of her bras on his head in a frightening midnight home invasion.

Anne Senior got a mighty shock when she woke to find a man, who had stolen a tub of ice cream and tin of tuna from her kitchen, in her bedroom.

The plucky 61-year-old, who lives alone in her Fulham Rd unit, picked up her catheter bag and chased the 20-year-old man out of her home following the terrifying 12.15am break-in yesterday.

”I went to bed at about 11.30pm and I woke at 12.15am and there was a young man standing at the foot of my bed and he had something white wrapped around his head,” she said.

”I screamed and chased him out the back door. I must have been a funny sight because I had to pick up my catheter bag from the bucket where it sits beside my bed before I chased him.”

A funny sight indeed. This seems like something that’d be on Benny Hill’s lost episodes. It’s crazy how a catheter bag being wielded as though it were a machete really lightens the mood on a home invasion, robbery, and possible attempted sexual assault. If only the home invader did a prat fall over an ottoman on the way out.

Tuna and ice cream seems like an odd couple of things to steal though. Then again, I’m questioning the logic of a robber who put an old lady’s bra on his head. It might be a bit of a reach for me to be asking for logic and courtesy with a person who’d think doing these things are a sign of a rip-roaring good time.

[Townsville Bulletin (Australia)]