Let’s take a look back at what happened in the world during that volatile 72-day stretch.

8 days – Beyoncé Knowles announces pregnancy

Pop star Beyoncé Knowles reveals she’s pregnant during the MTV VMAs on August 28th as she rubs her baby bump at the end of her performance.

Occupy Wallstreet has its inaugural protest on September 17th to much fanfare. According to their website, it is a “leaderless resistance movement with people of many colors, genders and political persuasions. The one thing we all have in common is that We Are The 99% that will no longer tolerate the greed and corruption of the 1%.”

On Oct. 5th, the world said goodbye to perhaps its greatest modern day innovator, Apple founder Steve Jobs.

The dishonorable Colonel Muammar Gaddafi passes away on October 20th at the hands of a Yankees fan who, undoubtedly, had no idea how to spell the dictator’s name.

In a rather stunning announcement on October 21st, President Barack Obama confirms that all U.S. troops will be out of Iraq before the end of the calendar year, thus ending the conflict more than eight year later.

Perhaps the greatest quarterback to ever take the field leads a “miraculous” comeback against the mighty Miami Dolphins on October 23rd and runs the Denver Broncos record to a respectable 2-4.

Although, it’s only an estimate from the United Nations, it appears world population crossed 7 billion people sometime today. Fitting that the couple that should never procreate call it quits on the same day.

Who knew a sports show with people yelling at each other would garner the attention of the most important head of state in the world. By comparison, a crappy show like First Take with Skip Bayless must be watched by such rogue leaders as Kim Jong-Il and a now deceased and sodomized Ghaddafi.

Since most of us have been a little preoccupied trying to figure out exactly who will make up the roster of our favorite NFL team, we may have missed the recent U.S. debt crisis. Basically, it turns out that a $14.3 trillion debt ceiling is not enough and only a last minute deal saved the powerful United States from defaulting. I can understand when crappy countries like Greece and Peru default, but I expect a little more from Uncle Sam and the gang. Clearly, we can never be put in this dire situation again, and must take some actions to strengthen our economy. Here is a preview of the White House’s top secret plan to fix our economy once and for all.

1. Effective immediately, all members of Congress will be required to spend two hours a day creating scam emails that will be sent to rich countries like China and Saudi Arabia. These emails will inform the recipients that they have won $500 million in the National Lottery and just need to send $1 million via Western Union as a processing fee. Any member of Congress that is not able to scam 10 people a week will be automatically impeached.

2. Have Secretary of State Clinton go on a 76 country tour delivering the following message — Unless you pay us $100 million, the next season of Jersey Shore will be filmed in your country. Yes, pay up or else you risk the youth of your nation being corrupted by Snooki and company.

3. Impose a government takeover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and require any country that would like to see its citizens enjoy the 2012 edition with Kate Upton on the cover to pay $50 million. Obviously, we will charge France $100 million on general principle.

4. Release the Angry Obama app in which you can fling our 44th president’s head at various members of the GOP and other world leaders. The app will cost $1.99 per download and for another $1.99 you can purchase the Palin bonus round.

5. Appoint Mr. Skin as ambassador to China. While he is there, he will introduce the Chinese people to his popular Web site. Instead of mass producing goods for Walmart, the workers of China will use their time trying to figure out what movie includes the best angle of Anne Hathaway’s sideboob. Give it a little time, and watch the Chinese economy collapse.

6. Deport Justin Bieber to Canada unless each of his fans can pony up $200 each. Let’s be real here, since his fans are more likely to be located in a plushy suburb rather than the inner city, this act will basically serve as taxing the rich people with poor taste in music. As an added bonus, this will also screw with a bunch of creepy sexual predators.

7. Establish a government-run crime and punishment television station. Executions will be televised as pay-per-view events at $39.95 each. In addition, this channel will set up cameras in our nation’s most violent prisons and for $19.99 you can get non-stop access to all the great riot action. Don’t even try to tell me that there are not enough sickos who would pay for this channel.

8. MTV will now be taxed $200,000 each time a teenager gets knocked up. Since they have decided to glorify teen pregnancy and make these girls stars, they will be held responsible to pay for the mess they helped to create.

9. Using one of the more obscure bylaws in the Patriot Act, the government will effectively takeover Facebook. While it will remain a free site, members will be charged $1.50 each time they want to change their relationship status or profile picture.

10. During all of Obama’s speeches going forward, allow sponsors to replace the presidential seal with an advertisement. Clearly, the price would triple during the State of the Union address and other more important prime time speeches.

For those who haven’t heard, Call of Juarez: The Cartel just came out. Its deal is this: Call of Juarez was GTA meets cowboys & indians well before Red Dead Redemption. But due to Red Dead being so damn awesome, no one cares, plus Juarez was hardly anything special to begin with. So how does its makers do to get that much sought after slice of attention and validation? Dip further into that well make it even MORE Grand Theft Auto-ed out, by putting cowboys (and I believe sans the better half, though I could be wrong) in modern day LA.

Anyway, there’s a part in the game in which you have to take down a bunch of drug dealers with fellow cops, and one of them is wearing an Obama mask for whatever reason. One gets the sense that it’s suppose to be like in Point Blank, except no one else has Presidential headgear on…

… Oh the French!

Obama Kicks Drug-Dealer Ass In This Video Game [Kotaku]

It turns out that the “report” wasn’t anything more than a false alarm — the “news” station’s Twitter  account was hacked, and the report was false.

The problem is, it sat up on the site for nine hours.

In that time, the hackers (a group named “Script Kiddies”) fired out six or so tweets from Fox’s account, and the news network was unable — at least for a few hours — to regain control of the account. As such, folks continually retweeted, @ replied and discussed their embarrassing takeover.

“Fox News was selected because we figured their security would be just as much of a joke as their reporting,” a spokesperson for Script Kiddies said, per Think Magazine, a website who’s editors spoke with the hackers on Tuesday.

Fortunately, Fox has done what every grown up news organization does: cry to the Secret Service and Twitter.

“We are investigating and will be conducting the appropriate follow-up,” said Secret Service spokesman George Ogilvie.

The Script Kiddies’ account on Twitter has been suspended, and the social network plans on investigating how they were able to hack into Fox’s account.

Besides the obvious fact that their password is simply “Palin12.”

Well, this Fierce Barack Obama SEAL doll, made by Hero Builders, is all but guaranteed to get you noticed at work as the crazy dude in the office who toes the line as a gun-toting, war-hungry liberal!

But no, seriously, Drew Magary, writing at The 20, is correct in that this doll is “offensive in about nine different ways.”

There’s the gigantic “I killed someone in an ordered hit!” grin.

There’s Barack Obama wearing fatigues. Or wearing a punisher shirt.

Or there’s Obama carrying an assault rifle.

Or there’s, well, you get the point. Look, Hero Builders, based out of Connecticut, is not just “the last American toy company,” they’re a company that was inspired by George W. Bush’s speech immediately following 9/11.

Which is to say, they are a misplaced company who wants to focus on the wonderful aspect of REVENGE, WOO!, instead of focusing on the fact that a man who ordered the murder of thousands of innocents is no longer roaming the earth.

More importantly, this doll is everything that everyone else in the world likes to hate about America: violent, excessive, and willing to flaunt those traits in the world’s face.

Barack Obama Seal Team 6 Doll – [Hero Builders]

Charlie Sheen hinting about a return to Two and a Half Men
“There’ve been discussions, but I was asked not to divulge anything.”

Warner Bros. to Charlie Sheen: Stop lying about Two And A Half Men
“As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions and there will be no discussions, regarding his returning to or having any involvement with the series.”

Demi Lovato: “I basically had a nervous breakdown”
“I was really bad off. My parents and my manager pulled me aside and said, ‘You need to get some help.’ It was an intervention.”

President Obama to appear on a final Oprah episode
“The First Lady is also expected to make an appearance.”

Jerry Seinfeld calls the Royal Wedding “a circus act”
“You know, it’s a dress-up. It’s a classic English thing of let’s play dress-up. Let’s pretend that these are special people. OK, we’ll all pretend that — that’s what theater is.”

Paris Hilton hooks up Charlie Sheen’s wife with dates
“My mom (socialite Kathy Hilton) is really close with Brooke, and (Brooke) always come to her for advice.”

Mickey Rourke apologizes for dissing his film, Megan Fox
“I don’t know why I said that stupid shit. I love Mitch, I love Megan. My bad.”

Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper may be dating again
“Jen always had a soft spot for Bradley, and she thinks he is very attractive and charming.”

Seann William Scott leaves treatment
“He is looking forward to beginning production next month on American Reunion for Universal Pictures.”

ABC Cancels All My Children, One Life to Live
“AMC’s final episode will air in September 2011, and OLTL’s will air in January 2012.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Sara Jean Underwood returns as Bustice where she faces down her arch nemesis, General Jiggler.

Nothing is more American than that holy trio of Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that our presidents embody such noble ideals. We’ve already taken a look at our nation’s glorious history of electing rabid sex fiends to office, and while admittedly our leaders have traditionally failed to uphold the Rock and Roll part of that famous saying –- Bill Clinton’s tender saxophone stylings aside -– they seem to have no problem with the Drugs part. Some of these you may know and some of them may surprise you. A few have admitted to getting high on things other than life while some have merely been implicated by rumor and hearsay. But what they all have in common is at one point in their lives, they liked to party and God bless them for it. With that said, and without further ado, we bring you eight presidents who didn’t just say no.

8 Bill Clinton
The Drug: Marijuana
The Story: Bill Clinton is renowned for being one of the nation’s foremost experts on crushing ass. But when people get tired of making jokes about good ol’ Bill violating Lady Liberty with cigars they turn to his infamous admission that when he was a college student, young and carefree, he smoked pot. Of course, if you ask him, he didn’t actually smoke pot because –- and say it with me –- he “didn’t inhale.” Yes, long before Clinton taught us all the subtly different meanings of the word “is”, he took it upon himself to explain the technical differences between the professional toker and the mere amateur.

Now, I don’t want to cast aspersions on the man who balanced our budget and oversaw an era of unprecedented peace and prosperity for our nation, but when he said he didn’t inhale, he was admitting that either he was so dumb that he couldn’t figure out the mechanics of smoking –- which doesn’t exactly inspire confidence -– or that he did understand but he was just a poseur and was pretending to smoke to fit in with some cooler kids. Again, not exactly what you want to hear from the leader of the free world, you know? Then again, there is always the possibility that Bill Clinton lied and that he actually inhaled. But Bill Clinton would never lie. Never. No. Of course not.

7 Barack Obama
The Drugs: Marijuana, Cocaine
The Story: In his book Dreams from My Father, Obama openly admitted that in his youth he smoked pot and did “maybe a little blow when you could afford it.” Well, then. It’s kind of surprising he hasn’t gotten attacked more for this, if only because he is attacked for everything else from where he was born to where he goes to church. But it’s kind of refreshing too, isn’t it? It’s kind of nice to have a president who instead of ducking and hiding from mysterious allegations about drugs just shrugs his shoulders and basically says “Yeah, I got f-cked up when I was younger, so what?”

Then again, maybe Obama’s opponents think that the “Choom Gang” Obama was identified with in his high school yearbook was actually one of them there newfangled “Hippity-Hop” groups like Wyoming Senator Alan Simpson’s favorite rap artists Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog or Enema Man. I’m sure that’s it. Nobody has told them that Chooming was Hawaiian slang for smoking pot when Obama was in high school, which is a good thing because it would probably make them all faint in horror and their Pat Boone records to screech to an ugly halt. Get off their lawn!

6 Franklin Pierce
The Drug: Hashish
The Story: Apparently, during the Mexican-American War, Pierce allegedly smoked hashish with his troops and after the war was over, wrote home to his family, claiming that smoking Hash was the only good thing to come out of the war. That may seem surprising, but let’s face it, that’s probably about the mildest thing that Pierce would have done after being stuck in Mexico for so long. I mean, what else was he supposed to write about? The donkey shows in Tijuana? Having to mainline penicillin after getting pinned down by the enemy in a Mexican bordello?

Let’s face it, there were probably far far worse things that went on during the Mexican-American War other than smoking hash. Like, I don’t know, maybe killing people? Just a thought. Are you going to sit there and blame the guy for hitting the pipe after having bullets whizzing by his head all day? The man needed to relax. It’s not like he was shooting up heroin in the Oval Office and offering to blow the French Ambassador for drug money. At least I don’t think so. All he did was get high with his soldiers, like that scene in Platoon or like Jesus did with his disciples before they mounted up and took out their enemies, Stallone style. And are you gonna argue with Jesus? Or with Rambo? I didn’t think so.

5 Ulysses S. Grant
The Drug: Cocaine
The Story: Yes, Ulysses S. Grant was our first cokehead president. But before you jump to any conclusions, it wasn’t like Grant was hooked on blow like some degenerate character in Boogie Nights. No, instead, Grant turned to cocaine after he developed throat cancer and so he could finish his memoirs. Apparently, the poor old dude would regularly swab his throat with cocaine until he became addicted.

The best –- and most ridiculous part about all this -– is that some people actually believe that none other than Mark Twain got Grant hooked on coke. The theory goes that Twain –- who was Grant’s publisher and who also had once expressed a dream to go to the Amazon and become the nation’s cocaine hookup (yeah, seriously) -– urged Grant to use coke so he could get through the pain and finish his memoirs. Of course, Grant was out of the Oval Office by then and he only had a short time left to live thanks to the cancer, so no harm done I guess. But if the image of Mark Twain serving as U.S. Grant’s coke dealer doesn’t make you laugh at least a little bit, you’re dead inside and I just don’t want to know you.

4 George W. Bush
The Drugs: Marijuana and Cocaine
The Story: You had to know this one was coming. Before, during and after his presidency, Bush was dogged by rumors that he had been an inveterate cokehead during his callow youth. A lot of people have am image in their head of Bush as some sort of cartoon character wearing a giant cowboy hat, downing shots of whiskey like J.R. Ewing and doing line after line of coke with a gang of wild strippers. That’s probably not exactly how it went down, but let’s face it, it’s probably not that far off either.
Bush still won’t openly admit his past drug use but he doesn’t really deny it either. Instead, he says things like “I wouldn’t answer the marijuana questions. You know why? Because I don’t want some little kid doing what I tried,” which is what he apparently said to a friend of his, the ironically named Doug Wead, who supposedly recorded the conversation and then played it for a reporter from the New York Times. Meanwhile, when it comes to cocaine, Bush denies using any illegal drug since 1974. Well, that’s great. The only problem is that the dude was born in 1946, which leaves a whole 28 years of his life unaccounted for. I guess those years don’t count.

Still, I’m not really knocking Bush for his drug use. After all, that would be like going after Al Capone because he didn’t pay his taxes. I mean, there are much, much bigger issues the dude needs to own up to, you know what I mean? He liked to party. So what? You know the guy is probably a lot of fun and if anyone has good hookups, it would be him. It’s just too bad there are other, slightly more important qualities that go into being a good president.

3 George Washington
The Drug: Marijuana
The Story: Like many of the founding fathers, George Washington was an advocate of hemp. This cash crop was one of the early staples of the American colonies, much like tobacco and like with tobacco, it’s not hard to imagine that someone who grew the crop liked to, uh, indulge in it from time to time. Of course, hemp and marijuana are not exactly one and the same -– just listen to one of the magnificent speeches of the noble Lord Woodrow Harrelson -– but then again, Woody’s not exactly shy about using the hemp plant for more recreational purposes either. So it was probably the same with men like Washington back in the day.

It is believed that Washington liked to smoke weed in order to ease the pain of his persistent toothaches and it was even said that he liked the smell of his hemp pipe. Plus, let’s not forget the damning evidence provided by the historians in the film Dazed and Confused, particularly Professor Slater who said “Absolutely George toked weed, are you kiddin’ me, man? He grew fields of that stuff, man, that’s what I’m talkin’ about – Fields,” and “Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man.” Well, I’m convinced.

2 Thomas Jefferson
The Drug: Marijuana
The Story: Like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson was a farmer and like Washington, Jefferson –- or at least his slaves (when he wasn’t busy boning them) -– grew fields of hemp. In a possibly apocryphal quote, Jefferson is claimed to have said “Some of my finest hours have been spent on the back of my veranda, smoking hemp and observing as far as the eye can see.” Whether or not he actually said these words is kind of immaterial. The sentiment is generally considered to be accurate and most people would agree that Jefferson very well could have said those words. There are also stories which claim that he exchanged smoking recipes with Washington.

Like with Washington, it has become almost impossible to discern fact from urban legend when it comes to Jefferson and his fondness for hemp/marijuana. Some seem to want to paint him as some sort of crusading pothead, doing everything from smoking down with a naked Sally Hemings while listening to the Grateful Dead to writing the Declaration of Independence on hemp paper like some sort of stoner scribbling notes on his Zig-Zags. Still others have denied that Jefferson had anything to do with the growing and use of hemp other than in clothing and manufacturing. The truth, as it usually does, probably lies somewhere in between. I doubt that Jefferson was hitting the bong whenever he rolled out of bed in the morning, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he didn’t relax every now and again with a few tokes from the ol’ pipe either. I mean, come on, like the noble Slater said, the dude was growing fields of that shit.

1 John F. Kennedy
The Drugs: Codeine, Demerol, Methadone, Ritalin, Various Barbituates, Steroids, Marijuana, LSD, Ground Up Baby Bones
The Story: What a list! And I only made up one of them (See if you can guess which one. Okay fine, you got me, it’s the Ritalin.) Yes, our nation’s most famous presidential horndog was also apparently its most drug addled. Of course, most of these drugs were taken due to a variety of weird ailments -– it’s not like JFK was just shooting up methadone in the Oval Office because he wanted to feel what it was like to make love to a cloud, or then again maybe he was -– which forced the President to become almost an inveterate junky, hooked on a crazy cocktail of drugs that kept him functioning throughout the day.

Kennedy had severe back problems which necessitated the use of many different types of painkillers. Because he was all pilled up and high as a kite, he was forced to take stimulants like Ritalin to balance all that out and then various Barbituates to come back down and sleep at night. He also suffered from a mysterious affliction called Addison’s Disease, which affects the body’s ability to regulate blood sugar and sodium, and apparently the only way to treat this was to take steroids. Why? Don’t ask me, I wasn’t the man’s doctor. In fact, I’m guessing the dude’s doctor was named Dr. Feelgood and operated out of an unmarked white van that was always on the move so the cops couldn’t track him.

If all that wasn’t enough, there has been speculation that one of JFK’s many sexual conquests, Mary Pinchot Meyer, both smoked weed with President Kennedy and introduced him to the wonders of LSD. Jesus! The image we all have of Kennedy is the Camelot “Ask not what your country can do for you…” crusader when the reality is that the dude was probably spending most of his time arguing with paintings of Abe Lincoln that he thought had come to life and hiding from imaginary spiders. For those noble feats and for his dedication to getting utterly obliterated on all manner of substances, we celebrate John F. Kennedy as this nation’s foremost presidential drug fiend.

Personally, I’m just most disheartened that it took a fish fillet sandwich for Faux-bama to buy into his “Change” campaign ideology. It really speaks more to the quality of the sandwich than it does our American political process.

Meanwhile, In China of the Day [The Daily What]

23.5

The blockbuster deal that was supposed to send Carmelo Anthony to the New Jersey Nets is officially dead according to team owner Mikhail Prokhorov. For the time being, Carmelo will stay a Nugget and the Detroit Pistons Rip Hamilton will have to continue to ride the pine until a home is found for him. Anthony is having a good year but by his standards, his points per game is down from 28.2 to 23.5. Certainly doesn’t mean he’s lost his touch but maybe, just maybe the rumors are affecting his game.

2010

Several sources in the Boston media are reporting that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will be undergoing foot surgery yet again. The problem? A recurring and perhaps chronic condition that he has dealt with all season. It appears the surgery will be today but there is a chance Brady pushes it to Monday. How will this affect the team going forward? Who knows, but the amount of pressure on Brady to perform week in/week out without a supporting cast is starting to wear thin.

16.5

Carl Pavano and the Minnesota Twins have agreed to a deal of two years and $16.5 million dollars. Pavano considered going to back to the Yankees where he struggled at times but ultimately thought that his performance last year in Minnesota earned him some time there again. “When you go through free agency, there’s a lot of big decisions that you have. Obviously I couldn’t walk away from the rapport I have with my teammates, the staff and the organization.”

2-6-11

If the Chicago Bears go to the Super Bowl, they’ll have some support from the Commander-in-Chief. Barack Obama has pledged that if his “hometown” Bears beat the Packers on Sunday, he’ll be in attendance at the Super Bowl in Dallas. Pretty brave statement considering Obama doesn’t even have tickets yet. Wonder who ends up paying for those? Hopefully not the taxpayers as lower level seats are going for as much as $1900.

Baltimore Orioles designated hitter and first baseman Luke Scott spoke to Yahoo sports about a wide variety of issues at the winter meetings. Instead of hitting on sports topics, Scott decided to reflect on more important issues like the 2nd amendment, nationalism and President Barack Obama not being born in the United States. Uh, yea.

Evidently, yesterday was foolish rhetoric day in the sports world. It’s neck and neck between Scott and Don Cherry, but from the looks of it, Scott may have him by a nose.

Transcript via Yahoo!:

“(Obama) was not born here,” Scott asserted to Answer Man. “That’s my belief. I was born here. If someone accuses me of not being born here, I can go — within 10 minutes — to my filing cabinet and I can pick up my real birth certificate and I can go, ‘See? Look! Here it is. Here it is.’ The man has dodged everything. He dodges questions, he doesn’t answer anything.”

At one point in his mini “Mein Kampf”, Scott associated Obama with communism. Because, you know, yesterday was “International Pinko Day”–apparently, I missed that memo. If you get a chance, read the transcript in its entirety. I would also definitely suggest it for Tea Party members, especially since it reads exactly like their platform.

Answer Man: Luke Scott talks Nugent, hunting and Obama origin [Big League Stew]

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— You know how everyone got all excited because Jessica Alba finally appeared naked in Machete? Yeah, not so much.

— By now you’ve heard that Christina Aguilera is getting a divorce, but did hear about how Xtina had to go to the hospital for the beating she took cuts, bumps and bruises from “falling down” just prior to the divorce becoming public?

— As if that wasn’t bad enough, Christina also blames her Ewok husband for her latest album, Bionic, sucking, I mean not selling well. Now that’s just going too far. No wonder she dumped him.

— Jean Claude Van Damme had a heart attack. Or not.

— Jenni “J-Woww” Farley turned down an offer from Playboy. No, really, she did. I know. No two entities were ever more made for each other. I am as stunned as anyone. I just don’t know what to believe in anymore.

— Brandy Norwood (yes, this Brandy Norwood) says she hasn’t had sex in years. Insert “I’ll have sex with her” joke here.

— Anne Hathaway was brought to tears after having a sex scene with Jake Gyllenhaal in the movie Love and Other Drugs. Man, does everyone who has pretend sex with Jake Gyllenhaal in a movie lose their mind?

— A teenage boy who accused Jodie Foster of attacking him is now planning to sue her. Yes, because I know if I was beat up by an old lesbian as a teen I would want MORE publicity from it.

— Barack Obama will be doing a guest spot on Mythbusters. Because what else is there for him to do these days?

— Hank Baskett and Kendra Wilkinson’s marriage is going about how one would have thought it would go.

— In our weekly Lohan news, Lindsay’s dad Michael was allegedly attacked by a knife-wielding senior citizen… who called him first to tell him he was going to attack him. Again, I do not make this stuff up.

— Speaking LiLo, yeah, she’ll be in rehab for a wee bit longer.

— Uma Thurman… ummm… well… you just have to see for yourself.

— And finally, Justin Bieber is under investigation for assault. This is what happens when you turn gangsta.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the geniuses at Maxim Italy. Remember back in the summer when I showed you some of the most amazing photos ever taken, those of one Melissa Satta? Yeah, well apparently there is a behind-the-scenes video. I present it to you now…

Bolivian President Evo Morales was slightly peeved that a defender(and political rival) had the audacity to attempt to tackle him in what was supposed to be a friendly exhibition. So instead of handling it in a diplomatic manner, he responded the only way he knew how. With a shot below the belt. Literally.

If only all political debates could be handled with nut shots, then Sarah Palin would finally come out on top.

Considering President Obama plays weekly pick-up basketball games, how smart of a political strategy would it be to invite some of his Republican foes to play. I assure you, a well-placed and timely kick to the junk and that Senator won’t have the balls to vote against that healthcare bill.

Bolivian President Evo Morales caught on video kicking rival soccer player in crotch [NY Daily News]

“Two Dat”

Now, as a general rule we stay away from politics here on Guyism. But when it comes to unveiling that much cleavage, we like to jump in face first. Personally, we’re all rooting for a Saints repeat Super Bowl win because our curious eyes wonder what a 3 peat hat would entail.

Dare we say, something Total Recall-ish?

There are moments in history that capture the hearts and minds of people the world over. Moments like the the first man landing on the moon, Ronald Reagan being shot, the Space Shuttle exploding… You remember where you were if you were alive when those things happened. But as we all know, Muppets make everything, even historic moments, just that much more special, and no Muppet makes things more special than Beaker.

You know Beaker, the real genius behind all of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s experiments. Don’t let the fact that he’s been blown up and electrocuted fool you, the guy is a whiz. Keep in mind that he was the one who tested a wish machine and made model Petra Nemcova appear and then teleported himself away with her. Yep… that Beaker has got it going on. So with his teleportation skills surely finely tuned by now I think that this is what it would have looked like had our favorite scientist assistant gone back in time to make these moments in history even more… momentous.

Ali vs. Liston II

Roger Bannister breaks the 4-minute mile

The Boston Red Sox finally win the World Series

The Battle of Iwo Jima

The Protest at Tiananmen Square

John F. Kennedy at the Berlin Wall

Richard Nixon resigns and leaves office

The swearing in of Barack Obama

Princess Diana’s fatal car crash

Michael Jackson’s hair catches on fire

Remember how I told you about Kendra Wilkinson was suing over the upcoming release of her sex tape? Well, it seems that good ole Kendra not only tried to sell that tape herself, but SEVERAL sex tapes. RadarOnline.com tracked down a lawyer who worked with Kendra on the project and setting up the company that was formed to sell the sex tapes. Wonder what new hubby Hank thinks of all this?

More details are coming out regarding the incident that according to Jenna Jameson’s story to the 5-0 didn’t actually occur between her and husband Tito Ortiz. She tells Us Weekly their argument erupted when he accused her of being “high” on pills. When she declared “I’m not on drugs!” he didn’t believe her and flew into a rage. “I was standing in the bathroom – naked, by the way – and he said, ‘It’s over!’ grabbed my arm and pushed me aside,” she recalls. Glad she pointed out that she was naked. That is key to the whole situation being cleared up.

Amy Winehouse was back in the hospital this week after another incident involving her new boobies. And you’re never going to believe this but she apparently hurt them “after she drunkenly fell and bruised them.” But wait, there’s more. Her injuries were described as “not serious” but her agent said: “She really likes the clinic so may stay a few days.” Do I even have to add anything to this?

In other news of the weird, Michael Jackson used to prank call Russell Crowe. You read that right. Crowe apparently shared a similar sense of humor with MJ and Jackson would regularly phone him and try to convince him he was in trouble. I guess if you’re doing a prank you want it to be believable.

The main character in the whole Jesse James – Sandra Bullock mess, Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee, has her sights set on porn star Gina Lynn. Hold on there, hoss. Still not in the way you think. She is going to box her. No, not the way you think. It will be a part of some ‘celebrity’ boxing match at the South Philly Bar and Grill. Noooww it all comes into focus. Sort of.

Speaking of cheating hound dogs, The National Enquirer claims to have uncovered evidence that Barack Obama had a fling with a 35-year-old campaign aide. The lady in question is named Vera Baker and it reportedly happened in 2004 while he was running for the Senate. You’ll note that a rumor about the President cheating is not the lead story here today. Not sure if that says something bad about me, or this country.

And apparently Justin Bieber fans have had about as much Kim Kardashian as I have since they threatened to kill her this week. And, ugh, the two ‘stars’ discussed it, of all places, on Twitter, of course, where “Biebs”, as the former Porn star called him, set things straight with his maniacal fans. Just kill me now, Lord.

In news that will surprise absolutely no one in the entire universe, Heidi Montag was serious about her breasts not being big enough and has already scheduled her next surgery to have them enlarged. Idiot husband Spencer blames it all on Ryan Seacrest, because really everything is his fault. (By the way, I’m not kidding about him blaming Ryan Seacrest.)

And finally in our weekly Lindsay Lohan update, LiLo’s mom Dina finally got her to court on the third try. Then proceeded to get completely hammered a couple days later. With her mom in the house. I don’t make this stuff up folks.

What a great tradition

I’d rather have seen President Obama bounce the ball up to home plate then toss one straight into the sky like a girl. Politics aside, this is highly embarrassing. Maybe the president should just stick to whooping Clark Kellogg in H-O-R-S-E.

Kim Kardashian launched her new fragrance. One problem though… the logo for the swill appears to have been lifted. The double K logo on Kim’s fragrance bottles bears a striking resemblance to the double K logo of a jewelry line called Korcula. I think I saw that movie.

Matthew Fox has allegedly been cheating on his wife with a stripper from Oregon. “I was dancing onstage, and I made eye contact with him immediately. I got so excited,” Stefani tells In Touch. Since she was a big Party of Five fan, she recognized him right away — but she soon found out he was much different from the clean-cut characters he plays.” Apparently Matt doesn’t get “Lost” in a strip club.

Charlie Sheen will also be going to rehab following in his wife’s recent footsteps. “He’s dragging his feet,” one source said. “He really doesn’t want to go. He’s going to go. He has to go. But he’s not in yet.” That’s what she said.

Abbie Cornish dumped Ryan Phillippe because of rumors that he cheated on her just like he did with Reese Witherspoon. The split follows months of tabloid speculation that Phillippe has been unfaithful to Cornish – regularly hitting the nightclubs and being linked to other women. Guys got some game for a washed up, never was, doesn’t he?

Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to The Sun in which she discussed her lesbianism. “If I wasn’t with Samantha, I would probably be with a boy next. She’s the only woman I’ve been attracted to. We love each other. We might reconcile the relationship, maybe. I don’t know.” Wake me when I care.

Barack Obama loves to sweat it out to Jay-Z. The rapper recently told Britain’s BBC One that the last time he spoke to the President, it was his Blueprint album that was playing in the background. Barack talks to Jay-Z? Really? For exactly what purpose? Does anyone else find that unusual? No? Okay.

The new Karate Kid movie that Will Smith bought for his son like rich-people karaoke has a new trailer out. This one has a little more focus on the plot, which is pretty much a straight lift from the first one. So basically, it’s Arnold from Happy Days teaching Johnny Cade from The Outsiders karate all over again?

Remember how Carrie Prejean was all “traditional marriage” this and “traditional marriage” that? Yeah, not so much. A source close to Carrie and her fiancee NFL QB Kyle Boller confirmed to RadarOnline.com that Carrie has indeed moved in with him. “She’s living there. He’s remodeling the house and she’s helping him.” Good. This just speeds up the inevitable fun-for-us divorce.

Rozlyn Papa of The Bachelor ‘fame’ has a sex tape being shopped around? The buzz is that there’s new celebrity sex tape being shopped around the porn community and the person peddling the tape says Papa is the star of the flick. Awesome, another sex tape. Now who the hell is Rozlyn Papa again?

Tiger Woods has checked himself into an Arizona rehab clinic for addiction to Vicodin and Ambien, according to The National Enquirer. “In therapy, Tiger blamed a lot of his cheating behavior on his drug addiction, saying that the drugs were responsible for impairing his judgment,” said a totally reliable source. Next we’ll find out he knows the true whereabouts of Amelia Earhart.

Jon Cryer’s ex-wife was trying to have him assassinated. Really. According to documents filed in the custody battle between Cryer and ex-wife Sarah Trigger, Trigger’s lawyer claims on December 21, 2009, Trigger told her that her ex-boyfriend, Eddie Sanchez, had said he was going to kill Cryer and Trigger’s estranged husband, David Dickey. Looks like he almost became the “half” part of Two and a Half Men.

Brazilians want Paris Hilton’s new beer ad completely removed from circulation down there. A government official for woman’s affairs claims the commercial “devalues woman, particularly blondes”. I think Paris Hilton doing an ad for a beer company devalues the beer company, but that’s just my take on it.

In a sad note, Walter Koenig — father of Growing Pains actor Andrew Koenig — his son, who had been missing since February 14, took his own life. Boner, we hardly knew ye.

Oh, and Conan is now on Twitter. As is Ozzie Guillen. Choose wisely.

People act like President Obama is the coolest guy to ever hold a higher office and, I must confess, he is both funky and fresh. But is he anywhere near as cool as Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin going on a hip-hop TV show in Russia? DOUBTFUL.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin rubbed shoulders with rappers and was hailed with “respect” in a television show on Friday that could help boost his flagging ratings.

Putin, wearing a turtleneck sweater and jacket, went on stage to present awards to participants in “Battle for Respect”, a hip-hop music contest run by Muz TV, a Russian rival to MTV.

Despite hip-hop’s violent image, Putin had a stern message for the rappers about healthy living.

“I do not think that ‘top-rock’ or ‘down-rock’ breakdance technique is compatible with alcohol or drugs,” Putin told cheering hip-hoppers who responded with chants of “Respect, Vladimir Vladimirovich”.

[Reuters]