I’m a guy but I think Barbie’s pretty awesome. Blond hair, doesn’t need to eat, nice boobs, she seems like a great deal. But having been around penetrating girls’ sanity for like a century, Mattel has made some missteps with the doll. Here are the big (absurd) ones.

In 1965, Mattel came out with Slumber Party Barbie. Along with the Barbie doll, the package also came with pink fuzzy bathroom slippers, a scale that read 110 pounds, and a book entitled: “How to Lose Weight” whose contents read, in entirety, “Don’t Eat” (it was much easier to get a book deal in 1965). Apparently that upset some folks for A) Saying the fact that you weigh 110 pounds means you still need to lose weight, B) For a book telling girls not to eat, and C) Expecting girls to know how to read books.

1992 saw a lot of crazy things…Presidential candidates playing saxophone on shows where the host encourages viewers to bark loudly and, more importantly, Teen Talk Barbie. And while Barbie said traditional vacuous stuff like “Will I ever have enough clothes?” or “Wanna have a pizza party?” (ignore the fact if Barbie ate anything other than dried lettuce she couldn’t keep her sexy body), she made an uproar when one of her phrases was “Math class is tough!” The American Association of University Women bashed Barbie and Mattel for implying girls couldn’t do math. Then they went back to braiding their hair and asking daddy for a pony, I’d assume.

Ken has always been Barbie’s man of choice even though people, most notably hacky comedians, always speculated that Ken might enjoy the company of other gentlemen more than Barbie. Well, that speculation really came to a head when Ken decided to prance around in the outfit pictured above as “Earring Magic Ken”. Now sure, he just seems like a regular Joe, just hanging out, being a man in his purple mesh shirt and vest. But note the ring object around his neck…yes folks, it appears to be a chrome cock ring. In fact, the doll was so gay that it became the highest selling Ken doll in Mattel history, primarily due to its kitsch appeal amongst gay men and Asian guys in need of cock rings.

Barbie was always kind of a whore for cross-promotion, be it for the WNBA or Nascar or Beastiality so 1997′s Barbie partnership with Oreo seemed pretty run of the mill. Only, since Mattel always makes a white Barbie and a black Barbie since political correctness set in, having a black doll that says “Oreo” on the front (“Oreo” being a phrase that says a black person is “black on the outside but white on the inside”) may have sent the wrong message. The doll was pulled from the shelves and that cartoon Chips Ahoy guy was beaten violently during a protest rally to send a message to Nabisco.

1997 proved to be a crapty year for Barbie when Mattel released a new doll called “Share a Smile Becky”, which came complete with a pink wheelchair. They probably all patted themselves on the back for that one…that is until a 17 year-old girl with cerebral palsy tried to put the doll in Barbie’s Dream House and couldn’t get its wheelchair through the doorway. Mattel would fix the problem in future Barbie homes rather than fessing up to the simple belief they held that said that disabled people should live their lives in Barbie’s garage with her car since disabled people in wheelchairs are all basically like Transformers anyway.

In 2003, Saudi Arabia proved its dedication to being pro-women by banning Barbie dolls in its country. The progressively-named Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and Prevention of Vice had the following to say (stunner, they blame the Jews):

“Jewish Barbie dolls, with their revealing clothes and shameful postures, accessories and tools are a symbol of decadence to the perverted West. Let us beware of her dangers and be careful.”

Middle Eastern girls didn’t have to go dollless for long though, as a doll designed solely for them called “Fulla” soon hit the streets. The doll was a huge success, making hundreds of millions of sanddollars. And she even comes with her own burka! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a doll and been like, “Darnit I wish her whorish calves weren’t exposed.” Well, problem solved!

Neil Munson, the judge presiding over the case, told the Telegraph:

“I have never seen the like of it in 15 years on the bench.

“The vehicle is not even capable of doing the speed of a mobility scooter and could be outrun by a pedestrian.”

For what it’s worth, Hutton seems cognizant of what a mess he is, calling himself a “twit” during his hearing and saying that he “[had] to be a contortionist to get in, and then you can’t get out.”

I’m just glad he realizes the error in his ways. I think we’re all just lucky he didn’t take cousin Skipper to a bar bathroom and leave her Roethlisberger’d.

Man loses licence after drink-driving in toy Barbie car [Telegraph]

Oh, and the Barbies are anatomically correct. Just in case you weren’t perturbed enough.

So, look, if you want to dress up like Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog and bend over a gal dressed like a squirrel, by all means. But when we’re involving dolls, come on. There has never been a productive person of society who, when you walk into their apartment, you encounter action figures having sex. You don’t see GI Joe with a rod on a CEO’s desk too often.

Barbie Furries [Buzzfeed]
TWO BARBIES LEARNING THE FOX TROT, one of a Kind by LaVonne Sallee’ [Etsy]

I guess this is supposed to inspire young women that yes, in fact, they too can one day work in technology, be successful, and own a really stupid looking pink laptop with matching emo glasses. I’m kind of concerned for the little girls though; it doesn’t seem like Barbie can hold down a job for very long at all. It’s great that she’s had such a breadth of experience, but how about we settle down and focus for a bit? Barbie seems to have more coked up ideas and get-rich-quick schemes than Kramer did on “Seinfeld”.

Barbie’s New Profession [Buzzfeed]

Then again, if anyone needs penile enlargement pills, it’d be a Ken doll. I can’t imagine how unsatisfied the ladies of Barbieland are. They probably just sit in their respective dream houses as Ken makes apologies with their heads in their hands. The only relief for the Barbies comes when the Harlem Globetrotters have a game in town. When Ken comes home and hears Sweet Georgia Brown blaring out the window along with 7 shadows and Barbie looking like a pig on the spittle at a luau, he probably just goes for a drive.

[Reddit]

I like Barbie a lot and not because of her so-awesome-I-would-drive-it-and-look-like-a-total-’mo pink Volkswagen New Beetle, but rather because of the kickass job she does of objectifying women. Not only because of her hilariously absurd proportions but the way that she pretty much glamorizes how okay it is to be a woman completely lacking substance so long as you’re pretty and fashionable. I get so tired of women talking about “Oh blah blah I believe in this” and it’s just like toots, why don’t you just wear something fancy and quit your yammering. What better way to reinforce that than a party with women like Aubrey O’Day, the lesser Kardashians, the Hills girls, and Heidi Klum (who may be a genius but barely speaks English, so it works out really well).

So thank you, Barbie. I feel totally vindicated in making my GI Joes attempt to pick you up in GI Joe’s Dream Vietnamese Bar rather than have them actually fight in toy wars and such. Psh. How gay would that be?

The whole concept of cougars kind of grosses me out and not just because I think sex should be legally tied solely to the functionality of your ovaries. What bothers me moreso is the delusion in thinking that you’re hot. Whether it’s an old overly tanned lady or a fat black chick or a sassy paraplegic on an episode of Jerry Springer, none of you are attractive. You’re at best a last resort and the only solace I can take in the fact that men continue to utilize you as a living waste receptacle is knowing that every day you have to look at yourself and convince yourself that you’re worthwhile.

On the other hand, easy vagina! High five!

[Courtesy of Yesbutnobutyes and The High Definite and Becky]

In “Toy Monster: The Big, Bad World of Mattel,” out next month, Jerry Oppenheimer reveals that Jack Ryan, the Yale-educated designer who popularized Barbie, was a “full-blown seventies-style swinger” with “a manic need for sexual gratification.”

Staging orgies at his Bel-Air mansion, Ryan, whose wives included Zsa Zsa Gabor, surrounded himself with busty Barbie clones, including Gwen Florea, who was the “voice of Barbie” in a line of talking dolls. The book quotes her: “He once said to me he loved me being tall so he could stick his nose in my boobs when he hugged me.”

Ryan’s friend, Stephen Gnass, confides to the author: “When Jack talked about creating Barbie . . . it was like listening to somebody talk about a sexual episode, almost like listening to a sexual pervert . . .” Ryan took calls at Mattel from a madam and patronized “high-class call girls to streetwalkers,” including a “very thin and child-like” hooker. The book claims that Ryan “somehow rationalized that he was the only man in her life” until he was diagnosed with gonorrhea.

Barbie and Ken were named after the kids of Mattel founders Ruth and Elliot Handler – an honor that plagued Ken, who “grew up embarrassed and humiliated by having an anatomically incorrect boy doll named after him . . . [with] no hint of genitalia.”

Despite marrying and having three kids, Ken was a closeted gay, Oppenheimer says. “To all those who knew him Ken Handler was a wonderful father, a loving husband . . . But there was another side to Ken. And in 1990 he was formally diagnosed with AIDS. His parents and wife were shocked.” He died in 1994 in Greenwich Village, but obits didn’t mention the disease.

Barbie is supposed to be a bastion of innocence but then there’s whores and boob sniffing and AIDS and oh my what a twisted web. The only way this could be creepier is if Jack Ryan has masturbated on every 500th Barbie. Which would theoretically make them very rare though I’m not entirely sure how Creepy Doll Guy Splooge would technically add to the value of a doll.

Do girls these days even still play with Barbies? It seems to me with all the Hannah Montanas and Bratzzzzz and whatever that Barbie’s kind of a relic of the past, like polio or protected sex…with all the pill cocktails and voodoo and iPhones we have today, there’s no reason not to dip your wick wherever you please!

Bonus points for a Ken cum shot. It must have been hard for Ken to muster that up. I’d imagine he’d primarily focus on asking Barbie to put on the “special Barbie belt” he bought for her while he bites the pillow. Love yourself for who you are, Ken.

There’s a fload more here, almost to the point where it’s a fetish in the making. And, for once, it’s a fetish I can totally understand and appreciate. If you think about it, Barbie’s the perfect woman. Hairless, consisting primarily of plastic, and completely incapable of speaking. If she could cook full sized food, she’d be perfect.

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