Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports.

100,000

Kobe Bryant may have apologized for his off-color remark towards referee Bennie Adams but that didn’t stop David Stern from dropping the hammer on him. The commish slapped Kobe with a ]]>

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports.

100,000

Kobe Bryant may have apologized for his off-color remark towards referee Bennie Adams but that didn’t stop David Stern from dropping the hammer on him. The commish slapped Kobe with a $100k fine Wednesday, one of the largest in league history. For Bryant’s part, he’s trying to do as much damage control as possible. “What I said last night should not be taken literally,” he said. “My actions were out of frustration during the heat of the game, period. The words expressed do NOT reflect my feelings towards the gay and lesbian communities and were NOT meant to offend anyone.”

1

The long, awaited Barry Bonds verdict was handed down yesterday and after years of investigation and hard work by the government, only one of the charges held up. Three of the counts could not be decided on by jurors and were considered a mistrial. The one charge Bonds was guilty of was obstruction of justice, but even that didn’t implicate him with steroids. The U.S. attorney in the case had some rather harsh words after the trial: “In the United States, taking an oath and promising to testify truthfully is a serious matter. We cannot ignore those who choose instead to obstruct justice.”

60,000

Not many people would say no to $60,000, but DeMarcus Ware apparently is one of them. Starting Friday, players will receive money from the NFLPA lockout fund but Ware has declined, citing players who actually need it. “I think it builds a unity,” said Ware, who is one of Dallas’ player representatives, “and lets guys know there are players out there with you, who will give up their $60,000, that this is a brotherhood, this is a fraternity.”

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports.

8:11

With 8:11 remaining in the second quarter of last night’s game between the Lakers and the Spurs, Andrew Bynum went down in a heap. His knee got tangled up between some players and ]]>

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports.

8:11

With 8:11 remaining in the second quarter of last night’s game between the Lakers and the Spurs, Andrew Bynum went down in a heap. His knee got tangled up between some players and he was forced to leave the game. Stop us if you’ve heard that one before. He’ll get an MRI to determine the severity of the injury, but regardless, it looks like the Lakers will have to make yet another playoff run without the healthy services of Bynum.

6-8

Texas Rangers slugger Josh Hamilton is not a happy camper this morning. On a foul-out in yesterday’s Tigers game, Hamilton attempted to tag up from third base as home plate was unoccupied. Instead, catcher Victor Martinez beat him to the bag and he was called out. But worse for the Rangers, Hamilton slid in awkwardly breaking his right arm. Afterwards, he voiced his displeasure with the coach’s decision to send him. “I listened to my third-base coach,” Hamilton said. “That’s a little too aggressive. The whole time I was watching the play I was listening. [He said] ‘Nobody’s at home, nobody’s at home.’ I was like, ‘Dude, I don’t want to do this.

4

Three days have come and gone without a verdict in the Barry Bonds trial. Yesterday, they spent more than six hours deliberating behind closed doors without ever stepping foot into the courtroom. Experts, at first had said jurors would come back Wednesday but others aren’t so sure. “I would say it is still early to be thinking about a hung jury,” said Douglas Tween, a former trial attorney in the Justice Department’s antitrust division and now a principal at Baker & McKenzie. “A general rule of thumb is one to two days of deliberation for every week of trial, so I don’t think this case is unusual at this point.”

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports.

-8

In early second round Masters action, there’s a somewhat familiar name at the top of the leaderboard. You may remember him as the original Tiger Woods slayer-Y.E. Yang. Yang is sitting at -8, ]]>

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports.

-8

In early second round Masters action, there’s a somewhat familiar name at the top of the leaderboard. You may remember him as the original Tiger Woods slayer-Y.E. Yang. Yang is sitting at -8, 1 shot ahead of 1st rounder leader Rory McIlroy. It was Yang, who two years ago pulled off one of the more miraculous major wins in history, coming back in the final round and defeating Woods. Yang has been somewhat inconsistent since then, but if he can stay in the hunt through the weekend, he’s proven he’s not one to back down to pressure.

12

The fate of former MLB slugger Barry Bonds now rests in the hands of four men and eight women on a jury panel. His defense rested without calling a single witness, but did get one significant charge against Bonds dropped when the prosecution failed to produce enough evidence. Bonds attorneys are claiming that Kimberly Bell, Bonds ex-girlfriend is a vengeful witness and was not entirely truthful during her testimony and that the government has been overzealous in their prosecution. Experts say jurors won’t be out for more than 2-3 days so expect a ruling by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.

0-6

The biggest surprise thus far in the first week of the MLB season is the downright awful play of the Boston Red Sox. Getting swept by the Texas Rangers wasn’t acceptable but was somewhat understandable because they were the defending AL champs. But the Cleveland Indians? That’s a whole other issue and one Red Sox fans are not willing to easily accept. At the very least though, they come home for their opener against the Yankees tonight in a series that is as important as one might ever see this early in a season.

12

When the New Jersey Nets traded for All-Star point guard Deron Williams, they were trading in hopes for a better future. So when he only suited up for 12 games, they were more than willing to wait it out. And now, Williams is officially done for the season after undergoing surgery to remove bone fragments in his wrist. Truthfully, the Nets weren’t going anywhere and even better for them, the injury gives them an excuse to move up for a much better spot in the draft. That is, if there is an NBA season at all next year.

Over the years, athletes have provided many of us fans with hours of entertainment. As role models, they’ve also provided us with life lessons that we can use in our everyday lives. How to spend our money, how to deal with our bosses, etc…

So here are just some ]]>

Over the years, athletes have provided many of us fans with hours of entertainment. As role models, they’ve also provided us with life lessons that we can use in our everyday lives. How to spend our money, how to deal with our bosses, etc…

So here are just some of the many valuable life lessons our favorite athletes have given to us.

10 Having a “case of the Mondays” is ok

If there’s one thing Latrell Sprewell had in common with the everyday man, it’s that even he was entitled to a bad day at the office–perhaps even a “case of the Mondays”. When Sprewell choked Warriors head coach P.J. Carlesimo in 1997, it was as if he was channeling everyone’s anger towards their over-bearing boss. Did he go too far? Eh, that’s debatable. But in the end, the knock on his resume didn’t hinder him too much. He played until 2005 and was able to feed his family without too much trouble.

9 Practice does not make perfect

For years, our parents taught us some basic principles in life. Work hard, focus on the task at hand and good things will happen to you. In the span of a two-minute press conference, Allen Iverson took that theory and flushed it down the toilet. There’s no need for practice, because frankly, you can still make millions by just sitting on your ass while your boss draws up plays and tells you to hustle. Practice, we talkin’ about practice? Nah, big waste of time. I’ll wait for the big stage before I shine.

8 Contraception is optional

Condoms? Diaphragms? Birth control pills? How dare you make that suggestion sir! This isn’t China, there is no one baby law here in the states. The goal of sex is to reproduce, and for some like Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry, reproduce at an alarming rate. What better way to put your stamp on the rest of mankind than to have as many of your offspring running around.

7 Guns don’t hurt people, people hurt people

Long before NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress was spending the better part of his prime in an 8 x 12 jail cell, he proved to people, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that guns aren’t responsible for injuries and death—people are. After taking a loaded gun into a club, Plax accidentally shot himself in the thigh. He was punished as much for his stupidity as he was for breaking New York’s gun laws. Moreover, he quickly became the unofficial spokesman of the NRA.

6 Premarital sex is not all it’s cracked up to be

Loss of scholarship…check. Inability to play in the greatest tournament in the world and help your team win it all…check. Dropping out of school to aid your pregnant girlfriend…check. If Brandon Davies of BYU could do it all over again, what do you think he’d do right at that moment he decided to break the honor code? Morality aside here people, every parent who was sending their kid off to college had the biggest “I told you so” moment when they read that story.

5 Remember that credit is money

If only a guy like Dez Bryant would have paid more attention in finance at Oklahoma State, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. This famous Benjamin Franklin quote has as much application today as it did in the late 1700′s. Just because you have an American Express Black Card doesn’t mean that the things you purchase are free. How on earth does one even fathom putting $850k on credit Dez? How? All for some jewelry and tickets? But don’t worry, you’re not alone. Guys like Antoine Walker, Mike Tyson, and Evander Holyfield paved the way for you.

4 A picture is not always worth a thousand words

We all try to capture that one moment in our lives, that one snapshot we can look at when we’re old and say, “wow, that picture is worth a thousand words”. Unfortunately, with the popularity of the cell phone camera, those pics for many athletes have become forgettable. For some, like future hall-of-famer Brett Favre, sending a rather lewd picture of his small genitalia was not only embarrassing for him and his family but probably cost him thousands in legal fees.

3 There’s no such thing as too much money

Why should they be millionaires, when they could be billionaires? And at the cost of what? A few fans, some players who need the job to put food on the table, the concession workers at the stadium? Nope, who cares about them. The NFL Labor dispute isn’t about 18-game schedules and it’s certainly not about player safety. It’s about making as much damn money as is humanely possible while you’re on this earth. That way, you can jump into a high enough tax bracket so you can pay an accountant to skirt the IRS for the rest of eternity.

2 “Man” and “Dog” are not always best friends

Perhaps this is a bit harsh, and perhaps this one stings a little for animal lovers out there. But if we could speak directly to our furry little friends, we’d simply tell them this: Dog may be a man’s best friend but it certainly isn’t always the case the other way around. On the outside, Vick looked like he cared for his pups, even had a kennel of them at his home in Virginia. He traveled with them, brought them to practices and games, showed them off to his teammates and friends. But behind the scenes, well, we don’t need to tell you the whole story.

1 Don’t lie to the U.S. Goverment…EVER…ABOUT ANYTHING

When you’re little you’re told that lies hurt people. It hurts your parents, your siblings, and your friends. The more lies you tell, even if they’re little white lies, can have the most serious of consequences–especially when it’s to the U.S. government. Just ask Barry Bonds. A full seven years after Bonds told a fib to a grand jury, he’s just now being tried for it. Seven years folks? Barry Bonds has legitimately not been in the public eye for almost a decade and yet, the government is coming after him with everything they have. And because of what–some drugs? No sir, have all the drugs you want mr. dealer, just don’t you dare lie to us.

1,200,000.

Japanese golfer Ryo Ishikawa vowed to donate his entire 2011 earnings to disaster relief for his home country. Ishikawa, who made $1.2 million last year on tour is hoping to make two times that amount this year. “I believe this is the most positive ]]>

1,200,000.

Japanese golfer Ryo Ishikawa vowed to donate his entire 2011 earnings to disaster relief for his home country. Ishikawa, who made $1.2 million last year on tour is hoping to make two times that amount this year. “I believe this is the most positive way for me to spend money,” said Ishikawa, who consulted his banker father Katsumi and his sponsors about the relief project. A round of applause for an athlete who genuinely cares.

12

The Barry Bonds trial was fairly quiet yesterday–quiet in the sense that nobody talked about his balls shrinking, his bacne, or his oversized head. One witness though had some damning evidence on Bonds. Randy Velarde, a former MLB player claimed that Bonds’ trainer Greg Anderson injected him about 10 times with steroids. His 12-minute testimony, however, never implicated Bonds himself as Velarde never had any contact with him about illegal substances.

80,000

How much was former LSU player Patrick Peterson worth on the scandalous black market that is football recruiting? Well, according to Willie Lyles, a Texas-based football trainer, $80,000. Lyles is being investigated for violations after receiving $25,000 from the University of Oregon. “A few days after the kid’s visit, Will calls and says, ‘If you want this kid, there are other schools that want this kid as well. They’re willing to pay a certain amount of money, around the $80,000 mark,’” Malone said. “He said that was something we were going to have to beat as a university to be able to obtain the services of this kid.” Good thing the boys in Baton Rouge are willing to pony up.

2

Late last night, Giants starting pitcher Barry Zito was involved in a two car accident in West Hollywood. Thankfully, it appears he was unhurt, although, he was taken to Cedar Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles as a precaution. Zito, who has a home near the area isn’t due to pitch til Sunday, so if there are any lingering problems, they should be cleared up by then.

If you haven’t been paying attention to the Barry Bonds trial, well, join the club. Baseball fans and the general public alike are so far removed from the Bonds bulls$%# that most can’t even remember how many years its been since he actually mattered in the ]]>

If you haven’t been paying attention to the Barry Bonds trial, well, join the club. Baseball fans and the general public alike are so far removed from the Bonds bulls$%# that most can’t even remember how many years its been since he actually mattered in the sports world.

Yes, Bonds used steroids, there is no doubt about that.
Yes, Bonds probably lied to investigators and should go to jail for perjury.
And yes, the U.S. government is wasting far too much time and energy on this.

The only redeeming quality of this entire ordeal is the testimony and quotes that have been delivered on the stand, mostly from Bonds former mistress Kimberly Bell. If anything, it provides comic relief in an otherwise dull sports week.

So far, this is what Miss Bell has told us about Barry and his genitals

The shape, size of his testicles were smaller. He had some trouble keeping an erection. He tried some things to resolve that.

Bell said she listed all the women she knew that Bonds was sleeping with: a model in New York, another woman in Las Vegas and “the stripper from Phoenix.”

“This is the guy who you described as having penile dysfunction,” Arguedas said. “That’s a lot of action.”

Bonds covered his mouth in an apparent attempt to suppress a grin.

“I don’t know what he was doing with them,” Bell responded. “I can only imagine.”

On Barry’s pick-up lines

“He said: ‘Damn girl, you’re fine,’” said Bell, who occasionally dabbed at tears.

On Barry’s anger issues

Bonds told Bell he would “cut my head off and throw me in a ditch,” and that he would “cut out my breast implants because he paid for them.”

So, in summary–Barry Bonds is angry in general, about life, because he has small balls. He tries to compensate by using cheesy lines to pick-up women. And when that doesn’t work he threatens to cut their breasts off.

That, my friends, is your week 1 update on the Barry Bonds trial. More to come next week when we find out about Bonds bacne, his head tripling in size, and his inevitably low sperm count.

Stay tuned!

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports

42

It took three overtimes and 42 points from Kobe Bryant before the Lakers finally disposed of last year’s Western Conference finalist foes, the Phoenix Suns. Bryant played a complete game just ]]>

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports

42

It took three overtimes and 42 points from Kobe Bryant before the Lakers finally disposed of last year’s Western Conference finalist foes, the Phoenix Suns. Bryant played a complete game just missing a triple-double by an assist. The final score of 139-137 was the second highest scoring game this season in the NBA. The marathon session will be good for the Lakers as they’re off until Friday but unfortunately, the Suns have to suit up tonight. Gonna need an extra helping of Gatorade at breakfast boys.

51-19

It’s not just that the Bulls are winning games at an amazing clip the last few months, it’s the manner in which they’re doing it. They’re dominating both ends of the floor and their leader, Derrick Rose, has been nothing short of spectacular. There was some discussion as to whether Rose could hold on for the entire season and get that coveted MVP award. But after yet another ho-hum 30 pt, 10 ast performance last night against the Hawks, I think it’s fair to say the man isn’t slowing down soon. The win last night moved the Bulls solely into first place in the Eastern conference over the Boston Celtics.

46

Stepping away from a basketball for a moment, let’s hit on something that absolutely nobody, outside the media, cares about–the Barry Bonds trial. Yesterday, opening statements were given by the prosecution and the U.S. Attorney blathered on for 46 straight minutes. As somebody who has sat on a jury before, you can only pay attention so much to the case before you start nodding off. This isn’t college and I’m not taking vigorous notes from a professor. 46 minutes is outrageous and frankly, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Bonds was dismissed on that error alone.

3-23

The devastating Japan earthquake and tsunami has put a hinder on electricity across the entire country. So much so that baseball, which was supposed to start this week is getting pushed to March 29th. The biggest reason being the lack of lighting for stadiums. The leagues are going to do their best to move most games, for the time being, to the daytime to conserve electricity. On top of that, there will be no extra inning night games for the foreseeable future.

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports.

4

For the fourth time in as many years, Barry Bonds plead not guilty to perjury charges. This of course stems from a 2003 grand jury probe into the BALCO labs. Investigators believed Bonds ]]>

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports.

4

For the fourth time in as many years, Barry Bonds plead not guilty to perjury charges. This of course stems from a 2003 grand jury probe into the BALCO labs. Investigators believed Bonds lied about receiving drugs from the laboratory amongst a host of other “small white lies”. However, this case has now dragged on for years and the longer it goes on, the more likely Bonds will walk scot-free and the taxpayers will have an enormous bill to pay for legal services.

29

Serena Williams’ health has been a cause for concern for almost a year now. Her mysterious foot injury kept her away from the game even though many in the media believed that she has been healthy enough to participate. But this latest incident certainly raises an eyebrow. Williams was taken to the hospital with blood clots in her lungs and emergency surgery was performed. No other information was given from her representative.

11.1

BYU has been known in the past for making their students adhere to a strict honor code. Regardless of who breaks it, that person is punished to the fullest extent. No exceptions are made as is the case with star forward Brandon Davies who is now out of the year for violation of that code. Davies will be sorely missed on the front line as he contributed heavily to the tune of 11.1 pts and 6.2 rebs per game.

10

We’d like to tell you that Ohio State’s Jon Diebler’s 30 points came on a wide array of shots. Drives to the lane, floaters, dunks, layups and even an occasional jump shot–but we’d by lying. Diebler went 10/12 from the 3-point line and scored every one of his points behind the arc in a Buckeye romp of Penn State. OSU looks poised for a deep tournament run and barring catastrophe, will get a #1 seed in their bracket.

Athletes being featured on Wheaties boxes has long been a staple of American pop culture. Before they “went to Disney World”, sports heroes made it on to a Wheaties box. It was a sure sign that you were a sports figure to be revered. The first athlete to appear ]]>

Athletes being featured on Wheaties boxes has long been a staple of American pop culture. Before they “went to Disney World”, sports heroes made it on to a Wheaties box. It was a sure sign that you were a sports figure to be revered. The first athlete to appear on the cover of a Wheaties box was Yankees iron man Lou Gehrig back in 1934. Wheaties may be known as “The Breakfast of Champions”, but over the years Wheaties has put their share of miscreants on the boxes. At times it’s been the breakfast of cheaters, dopers and criminals. Here are 10 boxes Wheaties wishes they’d never produced.

10 Barry Bonds
Barry Bonds wasn’t eating any Wheaties. And if he was he only used them to soften the taste of “The Cream and the Clear”. Or maybe firm up his bowel movements. I’m told HGH can cause the loose stools. TMI? Sorry. Let’s move on.

9 Mark Chmura
Chmura reached that special level of scumbaggery: he was alleged to have slept with his kids’ babysitter. That babysitter was also underage. The good news? Kids mostly enjoy those really sugary cereals, so I doubt he lured her with the whole grain taste of Wheaties.

8 Bam Morris
Really, Wheaties? Bam Morris? Even before Morris was busted with six pounds of weed in the drunk, he wasn’t exactly the picture of healthy living. If Morris ate Wheaties it was because he was probably so baked he already made it through the boxes of Count Chocula he had in his cupboard and still had the munchies.

7 The New England Patriots
“Hi, I’m Bill Belichick. The Patriots eat Wheaties because they contain essential nutrients like Vitamin C, which promotes excellent eyesight. Eyesight helps you look deep into other team’s huddles and steal their play calls. And that’s what brings home the trophy at the end of the season.”

6 Andre Agassi
Apparently it was game, set, meth for the tennis player/pitchman. It turned out that a lot was fake about Agassi, even his long-flowing locks of hair were not real. Fakers and dopers don’t make for good brand ambassadors, unless you’re pushing gangsta rap albums.

5 The 1989 Detroit Pistons
Thuggish bad boy Rick Mahorn. Insane asylum-bound Dennis Rodman. Franchise killer and famed grabber and groper Isiah Thomas. Crybaby Bill Laimbeer. All on one big box. One big box of nuts, which shouldn’t be included in your Wheaties.

4 Michael Vick
“Hey I’m Mike Vick. Before I head out to my dog pound of death in the morning, I sit down with a big ass bowl of Wheaties. If my dogs start barking at me to give them some, I just shoot them dead. Holding back deadly pit bulls takes a lot of strength. I get that from Wheaties. And guns. Really, guns are pretty tight y’all.”

3 Tiger Woods
Everyone knows that stamina and energy are built up through a proper diet, and well, illegal drugs. If you’re a young man that is out bedding many different women, you most definitely need a good, healthy breakfast to start your day. And so it went for Tiger Woods. Kidding aside, Wheaties and almost every other brand won’t be doing business with Tiger anytime soon.

2 Tim McCarver
What the what? Tim McCarver was on a Wheaties box? For what? Doing a nice job of carrying Bob Gibson’s bags? Scoring good weed for Orlando Cepeda? Who was the genius that chose McCarver? We know one thing for certain: there’s no way McCarver could have talked him into it.

1 Lance Armstrong
Is there a bigger jerk in sports over the last few decades? Tell you what: simply type in “Lance Armstrong is” into Google and see what results come up. Apparently he’s the only one that doesn’t know he cheated.

Not to be outdone by roid head slugger compadre Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds is going through a rejuvenation of his own.

This one isn’t “skin deep” though, it involves the size of Mr. Bonds’ head. Here’s a snapshot of Bonds at this weekend’s Kentucky Derby looking rather ]]>

Not to be outdone by roid head slugger compadre Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds is going through a rejuvenation of his own.

This one isn’t “skin deep” though, it involves the size of Mr. Bonds’ head. Here’s a snapshot of Bonds at this weekend’s Kentucky Derby looking rather slim above the neck.

In Bonds’ heyday, when the Winstrol flowed through his veins effortlessly, he sported a noggin worthy of hall of fame status. A noggin even the late Chris Farley would be jealous of. It was written that Bonds went from a size 7 1/4 helmet to a 7 3/8. While I’ve toiled in weights before, I’ve never found an exercise that sufficiently expanded the size of my head.

If I had, I’d be rich, famous and a lot more successful in the bedroom.

Uh, I was under the impression that Barry Bonds was either hiding in seclusion on Alcatraz or 6 feet under somewhere with Jimmy Hoffa.

But apparently not….His agent now declares that his career is over. Wow, thanks for that little tidbit of info. ]]>

Uh, I was under the impression that Barry Bonds was either hiding in seclusion on Alcatraz or 6 feet under somewhere with Jimmy Hoffa.

But apparently not….His agent now declares that his career is over. Wow, thanks for that little tidbit of info. I guess we can all move on with our lives.

Bonds has insisted he won’t retire, leaving open the possibility that he might yet catch on with another team. But that hasn’t happened, and his agent doubts that it ever will, according to the report.

“It’s two years since he played his last game, and if there was any chance he’d be back in a major-league uniform, it would have happened by now,” his agent, Jeff Borris, said Wednesday, according to the report.

Barry, let me save you some time here buddy. No team in their right mind is bringing you on. In fact, no minor league team would even use you as a gimmick to bring in more fans. You know what, let me go one step further…we need a guy for our office softball team in the spring. I’d rather go with Milton, our resident fat slob that can’t breathe normally because he has a doughnut permanently lodged in his esophagus.

How’s that make you feel?