Apparently he can, and this is his third movie, and it looks pretty awesome. Argo has a great hook: it’s based on the real-life Iran hostage crisis of 1979, when the American embassy was taken over and a large group of citizens were held against their will. Six diplomats managed ]]>

Apparently he can, and this is his third movie, and it looks pretty awesome. Argo has a great hook: it’s based on the real-life Iran hostage crisis of 1979, when the American embassy was taken over and a large group of citizens were held against their will. Six diplomats managed to escape the takeover, but they needed a cover story to survive and get out of the area. That cover story was Argo, a fake movie concocted by the CIA and the Canadian Government. Putting together a script, concept art (from legendary cartoonist Jack Kirby) and more, they managed to get them out.

Sometimes a movie is so bad that when it gets sucked down the toilet bowl of life it takes everyone involved with it. The director is soon seen shooting softcore porn films in the Valley and the key grips are turning tricks in the studio parking lot to make ]]>

Sometimes a movie is so bad that when it gets sucked down the toilet bowl of life it takes everyone involved with it. The director is soon seen shooting softcore porn films in the Valley and the key grips are turning tricks in the studio parking lot to make ends meet. But no one suffers more publicly than the movies’ unfortunate stars. They go from being adored A-Listers to the punch-lines of Jay Leno monologues all because they took a chance on a role in a movie so horrible that it destroyed their careers.

10 Jake Lloyd – ‘Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace’
Sure, Jake Lloyd didn’t have much of a career before The Phantom Menace (well aside from the award winning Jingle All the Way) but still, a starring role in a blockbuster film anxiously awaited by geeks everywhere should have been the beginning of something, not the end. Then again, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher, and really anyone not named Harrison Ford, can speak to the perils of putting your career in the hands of George Lucas. I mean, even poor Jar-Jar is doing cheap porn in a squalid Jamaican apartment these days. But Jake was just a boy, a poor unfortunate boy doomed to be known as the kid who killed Anakin Skywalker. There was just no coming back from that and poor Jake hasn’t even tried. Who knows what he’s up to these days? With a career filmography of Jingle All the Way and The Phantom Menace, it wouldn’t surprise me if he were a heroin addict, or working as Jar-Jar’s fluffer. Somali refugees probably have better childhood memories.

9 Chris O’Donnell – ‘Batman and Robin’
Look, someone had to take the fall for the abomination that was Batman and Robin and poor Chris was the low man on the totem pole. Before his ill-fated decision to become the boy who lived in Batman’s cave. (I actually accidentally originally typed “the boy who loved in Batman’s cave” which is probably more Freudianly appropriate.) O’Donnell seemed like he was in everything, didn’t he? He was the go-to young actor whenever an earnest young face was needed. He played everyone from D’Artagnan to Ernest Hemingway. After a couple of modest movies in the year or two after Batman and Robin – movies which he was probably already contracted to do – his biggest big screen role has been as the human lead in Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. So… yeah. He’s made a bit of a comeback as a TV star recently but O’Donnell will never, ever be the A-List actor it seemed like he was on track to be. Oh well, at least he got to wear a suit with nipples and live in a cave with George Clooney and an old man who fed him tea and biscuits while bats hassled him day and night. It’s every young boy’s dream.

8 Mike Myers – ‘The Love Guru’
Seen Mike Myers lately? No? Well that’s because following The Love Guru, everyone finally got sick of his shit. It’s almost a parody of Mike Myers movies. It’s so wretched that it’s hard to even watch him in anything anymore, including his older, better stuff. Now it all feels as worn out, tired and as desperate as The Love Guru. It was recently announced that Myers was going to make a fourth Austin Powers movie and instead of being excited, everyone just sort of groaned and wondered when he would just let the ghost go. People were already getting tired of his schtick before The Love Guru. That movie just killed it dead.

7 Jim Caviezel – ‘The Passion of the Christ’
This one will probably get me death threats but even Caviezel admits that this role ruined his career. To be fair, he thinks it’s been ruined because liberal Hollywood sodomites have it out for him because he dared to play Jesus, and you know what? He kind of has a point. The movie was so polarizing that it was impossible for him not to get caught up in the mess that followed it. To a certain demographic, he’s a hero, but that demographic watches the Hallmark Channel and aren’t exactly the target audience for Hollywood execs. To the rest of the world, he’s just that dude who played Jesus in Mel Gibson’s torture porn epic and it’s impossible to really see him any other way. It’s not so much that Hollywood is biased against him as they just don’t see any way they can make money off his name or face anymore. Don’t blame Hollywood or blame me, Jim. Blame Mel Gibson.

6 Barry Pepper – ‘Battlefield Earth’
When Battlefield Earth came out, everyone pointed and laughed at John Travolta and rightly so, but Travolta has made a whole career out of f–king up and then inexplicably coming back. The true victim of Battlefield Earth was Barry Pepper. After a career making performance as a young sniper in Saving Private Ryan, Pepper was poised to become the next big thing in Hollywood. All he needed was one big blockbuster to break him open. And for the blockbuster, Pepper chose Battlefield Earth. He chose… poorly. Within a year, he was reduced to starring in made for TV movies and any chance he had at A-list stardom was instantly destroyed. Since then, he has reinvented himself as a damn fine character actor and perhaps that was always where he belonged, but for a short window in the late-‘90s, it seemed like he was destined for bigger and better things. Oh well.

5 Geena Davis – ‘Cutthroat Island’
In the late-‘80s/early-‘90s, Geena Davis was considered one of the top female stars in Hollywood. Her name was mentioned alongside Julia Roberts and Jodie Foster. Then she made Cutthroat Island, a movie which bombed so horrifically that it not only shredded her career, it helped shred her marriage to the movie’s director, Renny Harlin. Within a couple of years of the film’s release, their marriage was over and she was in the midst of a three year stretch in which she didn’t even bother to make a single movie. When she finally reemerged, it was in the kids movie Stuart Little. She then tried her hand at TV and over the last decade her career has consisted of mostly ignored Stuart Little sequels and failed television series. Maybe she should have actually driven off that cliff at the end of Thelma & Louise.

4 Ben Affleck – ‘Gigli’
The only reason why Affleck isn’t even higher on this list is because he’s managed to slug his way back to A-List status, reinventing himself as an actor/director/all-around creative threat rather than as just a famous dude who makes shitty movies and bones famous ladies. Gigli was the nadir of Affleck’s career, the heart of a stretch in which he was better known as being one-half of “Bennifer” with Jennifer Lopez – whose career was also decimated by Gigli – than as a respected actor. I mean, this was a dude who won an Oscar for best screenplay so everyone knew there was talent in there. He had just seemingly pissed it all away chasing all the wrong things and to most people, Gigli was just the last piece of proof that they needed that he could be safely written off. And he was. For over half a decade, Affleck only appeared occasionally, almost never in leading roles, and for a three year period from 2006 to 2009, he didn’t show up in anything. Then he went back to his Boston roots. At first, he just starred behind the camera, writing and directing Gone Baby Gone in 2007. But then in 2010, Affleck decided to take back his leading man status, starring in The Town, which he also wrote and directed and finally, after almost a decade of wandering in the wilderness, he found himself back on the A-List. But thanks to Gigli – and to his ill-fated romance with Lopez – it’s a decade he can never get back.

3 Kevin Costner – ‘Waterworld’
Technically, Costner’s career managed to survive Waterworld and wasn’t really killed off until the disaster that was The Postman, but really, Waterworld was where it all started. It was the movie that tarnished his A-List status and left people leery about seeing anything else he was involved in. Before Waterworld, Costner seemed bulletproof. Waterworld shredded that bulletproof vest and left him utterly vulnerable to the killshot that was The Postman. Sure, he still shows up in movies from time to time, but his name is never the one above the title, his face is never the one on the poster, and he sure as hell isn’t the name that appears following the words “directed by…” That’s because nobody in Hollywood trusts him with their money anymore and Waterworld is the reason why.

2 Elizabeth Berkley – ‘Showgirls’
Give Elizabeth Berkley credit – she took a huge risk in her attempt to break free from her Saved by the Bell past, and who can blame her, given that the alternative was to end up like Screech or Mr. Belding? Then again, she – along with the rest of us – should have known that the risk wouldn’t pay off. After all, if you’re going to willingly star in a piece of shit like Showgirls, you have to at least have some serious acting chops to pull it off, and we all remember her sterling performance in that Saved by the Bell episode where she got addicted to speed and sang “I’m So Excited,” right? Right. Oh well, at least her career is only, at worst, the third most embarrassing of all the Saved by the Bell cast members, maybe even fourth depending on how you view Mario Lopez’s epic body of work. But at least he never wildly humped Kyle MacLachlan in a pool. At least not on film.

1 Eddie Murphy – Pick One From the Last Twenty Years
Look, I couldn’t write this without including Eddie Murphy. I mean, he has to be included on any list about actors who ruined their careers with bad choices, doesn’t he? He’s practically the patron saint of this list. But how could I choose any of his epic flops over the others? I mean, is The Adventures of Pluto Nash really any more embarrassing than Norbit? Or Imagine That? Or Meet Dave? Or A Thousand Words? Or… you get the point. I could keep going, though. It’s a testament to how brilliant we all know that he really is deep inside that we keep giving him chance after chance to steal back what he’s lost. Anyone else would just be dead and gone by now, but not Eddie and that’s because we want him to come back, we need him to come back and so we keep enabling this horrible shit. Maybe we just need to cut him off. I don’t know. This is too depressing to even think about anymore, and frankly, that’s why he’s number one on this list.

You may be familiar with the A&E show Intervention, a show chronicling people’s journeys to get a loved one into rehab. It’s real, gritty, touching, and often depressing. Addiction is a serious problem, when presented in most situations. Unless it’s taken so far that it becomes ]]>

You may be familiar with the A&E show Intervention, a show chronicling people’s journeys to get a loved one into rehab. It’s real, gritty, touching, and often depressing. Addiction is a serious problem, when presented in most situations. Unless it’s taken so far that it becomes hilarious.

7 Jessie Spano’s Caffeine Pill Addiction
Saved by the Bell’s Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) was feeling a bit overextended. You see, Zack had an uncle who was looking for a hot new girl band… somehow performing at local burger joint “The Max” would end with the girls of SBTB being the female New Kids on the Block (which, at the time, was not meant to be hilarious). Anyway Jessie is doing way too much… class, singing, buying leg-warmers, so she takes caffeine pills. This ends with a caffeine pill binge, Zack coming to save Jessie from herself and, of course, a stirring rendition of The Pointer Sisters’ hit “I’m So Excited”.

When you wake up one day in the gutter with a bottle of Jolt Cola by your side, then and only then will you know Jessie’s pains.

6 Aaron Henry’s Steroid Addiction
HBO wasn’t always a safe haven for well-acted, critically acclaimed drama. For categorical evidence, look no further than HBO series Lifestories: Families in Crisis. Let’s be honest… Ben Affleck, not so great of an actor. And when you combine his poor acting with heavy-handed afterschool special-ish TV, you get this gem about steroid addiction. Check out Ben Affleck’s roid rage from Body to Die For: The Aaron Henry Story.

Roid Rage is thrown around quite a bit by the media, often in sensationalist ways. But one needn’t look further than the grounded portrayal of steroid addiction painted above to understand the gravity of the problem. Particularly the smashing, woman punching, and floor humping involved.

5 Dylan McKay’s Alcohol Addiction
Beverly Hills 90210′s Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) was always the quintessential rebel with a heart of gold. Presumably gold due to all of the Goldschlager running through his veins. Dylan liked the drugs and, more importantly, the alcohol. In the clip below, he walks into a benefit and finds that Brandon (Jason Priestly) is dating his on-and-off girlfriend Kelly (whatsherface). If there’s a problem kicking your feet up on the table and drinking wine out of the bottle can’t solve, I haven’t seen it.

Fans of the show would be dismayed to find Dylan upon his return to the show casually drinking champagne with the rest of the 90210ers. Because alcoholics who went to rehab always like to hang out with some alcohol after achieving sobriety yet somehow avoid relapses. Truly a realistic depiction.

4 Demetrius “DH” Harris’ Crack Addiction
The ESPN show Playmakers was so gritty and real that the NFL demanded the show be removed if the network wanted to continue their partnership. And by gritty and real, I mean outlandishly far-fetched and borderline libelous to anyone who’s ever played Madden, let alone actually been a professional football player. Fans were treated to sensational story lines like domestic violence, murder, homosexuality (and subsequent discrimination) and, of course, the crack addiction of top running back Demetrius “DH” Harris (Omar Gooding).

Unfortunately there aren’t any clips to be found on the Internet of the show (damn you ESPN), but the gist is as follows: DH is addicted to crack, in spite of being an elite-caliber professional football running back (a position that requires you to be in fairly good health. Health typically not associated with crack addicts, if I’m not mistaken). During one episode, DH is trying to get off crack but finds himself unable. At halftime of a game, the team trainer tells DH he’s dehydrated but DH knows better. He calls his drug dealer who brings crack to the parking lot. However, as DH tries to get to his crack, he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. He then comes to and asks a teammate to buy his crack for him. The teammate does, then helps DH smoke his crack. Seconds later, DH is fine again and plays a great half of football. Crack: the performance enhancing drug the media doesn’t want you to know about.

3 Robbie the Dinosaur’s “Steroid” Addiction
Performance enhancement is a popular source of comical addiction as the second steroid-themed entry comes via ABC hit Dinosaurs. While the show was known for its lighthearted comedy in the form of the baby violently assaulting his father while screaming “Not the mama,” it strayed into serious tones when the teenage dinosaur, Robbie, tried steroids (or the dino equivalent, in the form of live, angry-looking Koosh balls).

The clip’s a little long, but basically Robbie takes steroids, gets huge overnight, rips a sink out of the wall, attacks his drug dealer, is a dick to his girlfriend, and ends up crying after a rampage. So basically, he’s like your dad, only with less whiskey involved.

2 Michael’s Marijuana Addiction
The 80s were a crazy time… did you know there was a slightly more competent Bush in the White House at one point? Well there was! And he had a lot of great ideas, including his anti-drug campaign which resulted in this. The story chronicles a kid named Michael and his rampant uses of the horrific drug marijuana. He steals money from his sister, takes beer from his father, and hangs out with a bad crowd… including an amorphous blob of marijuana smoke cleverly named “Smoke”. Fortunately, the horrific effects of marijuana have finally manifested a useful hallucination when a group of cartoon characters appear to Michael in a drug fueled haze.

If you’re feeling nostalgic, you can watch the full show here. The horror of seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks while stoned out of his mind somehow leads Michael pack to a path of righteousness instead of to a box of Yodels like it does with most people.

1 Alf’s Cat Addiction

The most absurd of all of the addictions above is arguably the most heartbreaking. Alf was an alien, so his standards of addiction varied a bit. But his obsession with eating cats was fairly evident throughout the show. Alf mentioned eating a cat in just about every episode, including mocking the funeral of family pet “Lucky” by saying that a funeral for the cat was asking to “holding a funeral for a hamburger”. While his Earth family didn’t exactly enable him (other than cat-sized rolls, as pictured above), they didn’t really do anything to deter him either.

So when Alf’s addiction to eating cats manifests itself, it’s a hilarious little punchline… but when I murder a cat and eat it, I’m “predisposed to be a serial killer”. Whatever.

If this Glengarry Glen Ross/Boiler Room mash-up doesn’t get you motivated for the day then you should check your pulse.

Simply douche-tastic.

SPOILER WARNING: All films on the list are at least four years-old, so be warned of spoilers if you are seriously way behind on your movies.

A lot of big names also come with big egos, so agreeing to do a film in which they barely have a ]]>

SPOILER WARNING: All films on the list are at least four years-old, so be warned of spoilers if you are seriously way behind on your movies.

A lot of big names also come with big egos, so agreeing to do a film in which they barely have a part in is a rarity. That’s why a shocking death of a big name celebrity early in a film is always entertaining. There are a lot of similar “Best Death Scene” lists out there, so here are the criteria for this one:

1. The death has to come at sometime during the first half of the film. (Everyone’s willing to die at the end of movies)
2. The death has to be a big name celebrity or someone who was one when the film was released. (Not an actor whose career took off after the film came out)
3. The death has to be over the top and entertaining. (No one goes to a movie to watch someone die peacefully in his or her sleep)
4. The character cannot reappear throughout the film as a ghost. (Sorry, Patrick Swayze)
5. Sequels don’t count. (Lots of big names are killed in sequels)

7 Janet Leigh in Psycho (1960)
The original shocker. Alfred Hitchcock’s decision to have this leading lady knocked off early on in the film was absolutely unheard of back in 1960. Hitchcock has given us endless classic film moments, but this is easily one of the most memorable scenes in the history of film.

6 Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea (1999)
Definitely not one of the better movies on this list. However, having Sam Jackson’s inspirational speech cut short by being completely devoured by a genetically altered mutant CGI shark is pure entertainment. Little did we know that eventually Snakes on a Plane would come along and make Deep Blue Sea look like an Academy Award winner.

5 Steven Seagal in Executive Decision (1996)
As much as we hate to admit it now, Steven Seagal was once a hot commodity in the action film community. Fresh off a slew of successful action films, Seagal’s name was used heavily in promotion for Executive Decision. Seagal played a commander of an elite team attempting to intercept a hijacked 747. Early in the film, he sacrifices himself so the mission could carry on. It’s too bad he couldn’t do the same in real life before he made that reality show of his.

4 John Travolta in Pulp Fiction (1994)
This one isn’t exactly in the first half of the film, but the film is shown out of sequence…so, I’m going to let it slide since we don’t actually know where it’s supposed to be in the actual timeline of the film. Plus, it’s always really enjoyable to watch John McClane completely blow Vinnie Barbarino away.

3 Ben Affleck in Smokin’ Aces (2006)
In a perfect world, Ben Affleck would be killed early in any movie he’s in. It would be only fair since he’s single-handedly responsible for the death of many other films. Nevertheless, whether we like it or not, Affleck is a big name. So, when he and his crew were taken out by Chris Pine and Co. (without evening getting a chance at knocking off Jeremy Piven), it was pretty awesome. The scene between Pine and a dead Affleck (starting at the 1:27 mark) is easily the best acting Affleck’s ever done.

2 James Earl Jones in The Lion King (1994)
Leaving children everywhere traumatized was the surprisingly graphic death of Mufasa in The Lion King. Parents thoroughly enjoyed having to explain to their kids why one family member would want to kill another. Yes…I’m aware he reappears later in the film for a minute or two as a deep-voiced talking cloud of wisdom, but other than that, James Earl Jones doesn’t get much screen (or voice) time. Which is surprising since three words out of James Earl Jones’ mouth are worth more than your house. Another big name…taking one for the team.

1 Drew Barrymore in Scream (1996)
A sort of tribute to Janet Leigh in Psycho. Barrymore was touted as one of the stars of this film. They even promoted the film with a poster of her face and listing her as one of the stars. She is only in the film for the first 12 minutes or so, but it still stands as one of the most chilling sequences in film history. Almost as terrifying as that romantic comedy she did with Hugh Grant.

In a story that tows the line between awesome and completely unbelievable, Ben Affleck went gambling with a terminally ill 21 year-old as a reward for making it to 21. Because that was the kid’s dream. Gambling/partying with Ben Affleck.

Actor Ben Affleck has arrived in ]]>

In a story that tows the line between awesome and completely unbelievable, Ben Affleck went gambling with a terminally ill 21 year-old as a reward for making it to 21. Because that was the kid’s dream. Gambling/partying with Ben Affleck.

Actor Ben Affleck has arrived in Las Vegas to fulfill a wish for a terminally ill young man.

Ben checked into a celebrity suite at the Fantasy Tower of George Maloof’s Palms. He arrived in time last night to host a dinner party for 15 people in the N9NE Steakhouse there. Other guests dining in the hot celebrity restaurant learned that Ben was in Sin City to fulfill a heart-wrenching celebrity request.

Medical experts had told a young man that he would not likely live long past age 18. His wish was that if he made it to his 21st birthday that he wanted to fly to Vegas and gamble with Ben Affleck. The actor agreed three years ago to grant the wish — and the dream coming true helped keep the unidentified teenager alive!

Jenna Morton, wife of N9NE owner Peter Morton, who was dining in the restaurant last night, heard the incredible story and sent over complimentary desserts for the 15 people. Ben then took the young man to play blackjack and roll the dice at craps.

No word as to any winnings! Ben, with Amstel Light in hand, then led the group up to The Playboy Club atop the Fantasy Tower, where they won a dance floor VIP table and continued partying there early this morning.

I think Ben Affleck needs to be commended for not only agreeing to this three years ago, but actually following through with it. That’s quite cool of him and deserving of praise, probably more than anything else he’s ever done. However, you know who doesn’t deserve praise? This kid. Of all the fantastical things you could do thanks to the fine people at the Make-a-Wish organization or whatever other people who’ll do stuff for a dying kid, you pick hanging out with Ben Affleck? I’d have to seriously weigh my other plans if Ben Affleck offered to hang out with me, and I’ve got approximately a million times more life left in me than this kid. My laundry has to get done some time this week, after all.

Also how awkward is it to be the whore that you know Affleck hooked this kid up with? “Hey, yeah this is my buddy Steve…he’s got cancer…so, if you could give him a little rub and tug, maybe take care of his chemo-weakened knob…yeah that’d be swell.” Because how can you say no? Ben Affleck is asking and the kid’s got cancer. But you have to believe there have been better moments in that girl’s life.

[source]

I guess I never realized how many times they said the word ‘f’ in the movie Good Will Hunting. Those crazy Bahston fers…

H/T: Attuworld