American Idol and Modern Family air their season finales, plus a huge NHL playoff game five top the listings of what to watch on TV tonight.

Rangers-Devils @ 8pm, NBC Sports Network: The Devils tied the series at 2 in game four as things got a more than a ]]>

American Idol and Modern Family air their season finales, plus a huge NHL playoff game five top the listings of what to watch on TV tonight.

Rangers-Devils @ 8pm, NBC Sports Network: The Devils tied the series at 2 in game four as things got a more than a little chippy.

Celtics-Sixers @ 8pm, ESPN: Can the Celtics close things out or will the Sixers force a game seven?

American Idol @ 8pm, Fox: It’s a two-part season finale with Rihanna as a guest performer.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine @ 8pm, FX: If you’re not into sports or singing, this version of the film features an alternate ending you may not have seen.

Betty White’s Off Their Rockers @ 8pm, NBC: Tonight Betty and her old prankster buddies try to offer massages to passersby.

Modern Family @ 9pm, ABC: The season comes to an end tonight so it’s your last chance to ogle Sofia Vergara for awhile.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno @ 11:30pm, NBC: Charlize Theron makes an appearance to talk about Snow White and the Huntsman.

For the past couple years, the only thing more amazing than Betty White’s extendend existence is her persistent popularity. Now that she has a TV show again it shouldn’t come as a surprise that @BettyMWhite has joined Twitter.

Most celebrities that randomly appear on Twitter make one ]]>

For the past couple years, the only thing more amazing than Betty White’s extendend existence is her persistent popularity. Now that she has a TV show again it shouldn’t come as a surprise that @BettyMWhite has joined Twitter.

Most celebrities that randomly appear on Twitter make one simple tweet and let the followers roll in. That seemed to be the path that Sue Ann Nivens was going to take as well. She had more followers than I did within the first 8 minutes and over 50,000 within three hours (now up to 102,000). Unfortunately after just an hour and a half it became clear that the old broad wasn’t just there to unleash hilarious 140-character senile rants on the world. That’s because her second tweet was to advertise her own show.

At this point I was ready to write this off as just caving to pressures from her agency. She is following one of her own PR people after all. The last thing I need is to fill my already crowded feed (thank god for lists) with constant self-promotion. Thankfully somebody gave Rose Nylund the memo that you can’t just immediately start outright pimping your own work because she quickly shifted gears. Instead of just telling us to watch her show, she reminded us when it was and then made a joke about wanting to bang Ryan Seacrest.

Now that’s more like it! I mean it’s more disgusting than Nick Swardson and Shirley Jones in Grandma’s Boy, but a shameful tweet is still a step up from a shameless plug.

Do you really want to get practical jokes played on you by geriatrics? NBC thinks so. The network has announced that 90 year old Betty White, former Golden Girls star turned inexplicable pop culture phenomenon, will executive produce and host Betty White’s Off Their Rockers, a ]]>

Do you really want to get practical jokes played on you by geriatrics? NBC thinks so. The network has announced that 90 year old Betty White, former Golden Girls star turned inexplicable pop culture phenomenon, will executive produce and host Betty White’s Off Their Rockers, a hidden camera prank show in the vein of Punk’d that uses old people as the jokesters. Who wants to put $5 against there being a “I’m having a heart attack” bit in the first three episodes? I’ll also lay $10 that one of the aged actors actually does have a heart attack and they have to shut the show down, Luck-style. Betty White’s Off Their Rockers premieres Wednesday, April 4th at 8PM.

The world seems overrun with worthless celebrities, blowhards and fame-whores with nothing to offer the world other than the sale of their own dignity for the enjoyment of slack-jawed yokels everywhere. Obviously, some of these fools need to go away. And fast. Of course, we can’t include every worthless ]]>

The world seems overrun with worthless celebrities, blowhards and fame-whores with nothing to offer the world other than the sale of their own dignity for the enjoyment of slack-jawed yokels everywhere. Obviously, some of these fools need to go away. And fast. Of course, we can’t include every worthless celebrity on this list because then it would be roughly 968 names long and I’m pretty sure I would get a nosebleed or at the very least get the urge to run wild with a hatchet by the time I hit number 50 and nobody wants that. Note: this will be epically hate filled and will probably piss some people off, but what the hell, at the very least this should earn me an invitation to the next Playa Hater’s Ball and none of you should begrudge me that. Now, with all that said, let’s get on with it.

9 Paris Hilton
The only reason Paris Hilton isn’t higher on this list is because no one really seems to give a shit about her anymore, at least according to the ratings from her latest miserable reality show which show that her audience basically consists of a retarded squirrel and a ham sandwich by this point. Still, Paris will always deserve to be on this list because she is basically the Queen Mother of the vapid fame-whore movement. I mean, come on, she literally became famous for sucking a guy’s dick. Now while I can applaud that kind of dedication to good old fashioned whoredom, unfortunately it paved the way for a generation of talentless ambition freaks, soulless monsters with cash registers for brains and hearts made of greed, all flooding the airwaves in a tidal wave of dumb noise, spray tanned giant asses and naked stupidity. Paris Hilton started all that. She made being a dumb whore fashionable and for that, she needs to go away.

8 Nancy Grace
Nancy Grace is the parasitic beast wriggling on the ocean floor of popular culture, sucking up every monstrous and hate-able thing she can, feeding on it in order to earn ratings and invitations to stupid reality dance shows. She trades on the misery and despair of others, and the worst part is that she actually clothes herself in some self-righteous do-gooder persona, like she is some sort of avenging angel. Well, why is it then, that the only “downtrodden” and “hopeless” people she advocates for are all stereotypical Natalee Holloway types, photogenic white, middle-class types who make for a nice, tidy story on the cover of People magazine? Where are all the stories on behalf of the poor African–American kids who go missing? Where are the indignant pleas for justice on behalf of the those poor, ugly folks doomed to be forever ignored by the press because they’re not photogenic enough? Those are the people who could really use her help. But instead, Nancy Grace prefers to appeal to the dimwitted carnivores of pop-culture, those who eat that shit up like popcorn at a movie theater. And because of that, she really, really needs to shut up and she really, really needs to go away.

7 Ashton Kutcher
I was all set to include Charlie Sheen on this list, but really, he’s pretty much already gone away. So instead I figured I’d include his talentless replacement, a doofus who has become more famous for being Ashton Kutcher: male concubine, than for anything he’s done in a movie or television show. It’s not that Kutcher is all that obnoxious – okay, fine, he totally is – so much as he’s generally, well, worthless. What does he actually add to anything? Is there anybody out there who sees his name attached to a project and thinks “Oh, man, I’ve gotta see that!” He basically exists now to spew dumb shit on Twitter and make Demi Moore look bad, which let’s be honest, isn’t that hard to do, but come on, man. Maybe it’s time to go back to Iowa for a while, Ashton. Or just go anywhere that we don’t have to see you. But no matter where you choose to go, just make sure that, for now anyway, you just go away.

6 Betty White
Wait… what? I know, I know, this one will probably make a bunch of people mad if only because, if I have learned anything over the years, it’s that on the internet people will get mad about literally anything. But I also recognize that Betty White is beloved. And honestly, this isn’t a knock on her. She’s great. It’s just that, well, the poor old lady needs to go away for a while. She’s a human punch-line at this point, the 2011 version of the Where’s the Beef lady or the Macarena. She shuffles onto the stage or screen, says something vaguely shocking and everybody howls. Good. Great. But… enough already, you know?

5 Jon and Kate Gosselin
The good news is that these fools seem to be on the way out. The bad news, though, is that they basically cashed in the lives of their own children for fifteen minutes of tacky fame. Jon has become an Affliction wearing joke, a tabloid punching bag whose greatest accomplishment in life is that he gave Lindsay Lohan’s dad a soul mate. Kate, meanwhile, just comes across like the Wicked Witch of the West, a humorless harridan obsessed with keeping her talons firmly affixed around the throat of whatever notoriety she’s “earned” by pooping out a whole litter of children. And she does it all with that same “I just smelled something terrible” look on her face that Nancy Grace has. Tthese two are awful and they have very likely ruined their kid’s lives and doomed them all to a lifetime of therapy and for that, they can kindly go away.

4 Anyone on ‘Real Housewives of… [fill in the blank]‘
This is the world Paris Hilton built. This is the world we all let happen. And every time you see one of these plastic faces on your TV, leaking botox and shame all over the place, spewing inane bullshit and, well, just generally being completely awful in every conceivable way, you should be ashamed of yourself. I know I am.

3 Snooki
Honestly, I could include virtually the whole cast of Jersey Shore here but for the most part, those dudes and lady dudes (and in J-Woww’s case, that seems like it might actually be an appropriate term) seem like harmless goofballs. The biggest exceptions are, of course, The Situation and Snooki. The Situation, though, seems like he’s already been burnt out. His ridiculous candle has already been snuffed and no one seems like they even care about the poor fool anymore. But Snooki… well, Snooki just won’t go away and that’s a problem because out of all of these idiots, she’s the one who seems the most despicable, like she understands only all too well that she is just America’s clown and just keeps feeding the beast with one ridiculous thing after another. Which wouldn’t be too bad except she is so obviously transparent about it. She’s on the TV, she’s all over the net, she’s got her own fragrance (eau de whore?) she’s got some lame spin-off coming up and she’s even all over the New York Times best seller list. A part of me appreciates her hustle. Another bigger part of me just finds her annoying as hell, and that part of me wishes she would just do the right thing and go away.

2 Lindsay Lohan
Look, I don’t want to see that crackwhore who lives in a box down the street and who sounds like she has a smoker’s cough from hell and who would probably trade in one of her last few remaining teeth for a moment of drugged out bliss, do anything, so why in the hell would I want to watch the slow-motion train wreck that is Lindsay Lohan’s life? There aren’t too many differences, except for… what’s that? Lindsay Lohan still has huge boobs? Well, carry on then. No, but for real, there is absolutely nothing interesting or attractive about Lindsay Lohan anymore. We get it, she likes drugs and she’s ruining her life and her family is terrible and blah, blah, blah… enough. It just never changes. She’s not America’s Sweetheart. She’s America’s Trainwreck. People don’t even want to make fun of her anymore. That’s how old this shit has gotten. They just want her to go away.

1 Anyone With the Last Name Kardashian or Jenner
Oh God, these friggin’ people. I don’t even know where to begin. They’re awful, just awful. I suppose I could start with this: this whole ridiculous clan is famous because of two things – Kim was filmed getting reamed by some dude and the original Kardashian patriarch was one of the ghouls responsible for getting OJ off the hook. What a legacy! Naturally, people who come from such fine, upstanding stock have parlayed that into epic fame-whorishness. These people would sell anything and everything. Their dignity was the first to go and now everything else is on the table too. They are so awful that they have even dragged multiple sports stars with them down into the gutter. It’s terrible. Of course, the core of this insane circus are Kim and her worthless sisters. I mean, it’s bad enough that Kim is famous just because she let some dude film himself banging her but her sisters are famous because they are simply related to that someone. They don’t even have the fame cache of a celebrity sex tape! They’re just… there. Okay fine, Khloe had that stint as the copilot of the Millennium Falcon but that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. In this galaxy and in this time, they are just human avatars of greed and pointless fame and because of that, they all need to go very far away.

The new television season is upon us. All of our favorite shows and celebrities are making their triumphant return into our homes. But, let’s face it….there are an endless number of people on television who simply shouldn’t be. Yet, for some unknown reason, these people continue to get deal ]]>

The new television season is upon us. All of our favorite shows and celebrities are making their triumphant return into our homes. But, let’s face it….there are an endless number of people on television who simply shouldn’t be. Yet, for some unknown reason, these people continue to get deal after deal after deal. This list is never-ending, so let us start with just 10 of these repeat offenders. With any luck, this list might become an Internet petition to have these people swiftly removed from our television sets.

10 Jimmy Fallon
The King of Mediocrity. NBC seems to have a thing for giving people who aren’t all that funny their own late night shows (See also: Jay Leno, Carson Daly). What a lineup. Conan was funny, but we all know what happened there. Fallon’s interviews are awkward and uncomfortable, and all of his bits are more about reminiscing about the late 80’s/early 90’s than actually being funny. He’s good in small doses, so no more hosting gigs please. A tiny cameo in a Harold & Kumar movie would probably be a better fit for him.

9 Tyler Perry
This man is a money-making machine. He currently has around 67 movies out in theatres at this very moment. But how many predicaments can that damn Madea get into?! He also supposedly has two TV shows. However, they only seem to play ads for the show and not the show itself. Rumor has it that networks usually like it when their audience can actually find the show. So, until people can actually figure out when any of his current shows are on TV, he needs to not get another one.

8 Betty White
Enoooough already. It was funny once. It was funny twice. But now anytime Betty White pops up on my television screen and says something that a grandma-aged woman shouldn’t be saying, I throw my remote at it. It’s becoming quite costly, so I’d appreciate if Hollywood would stop giving her gigs.

7 Nick Cannon (see also: Mario Lopez, Nick Lachey, etc.)
The “actor/musician” turned host is quite possibly one of the most annoying things on television. The fact they’ve realized that they’re not all that great at what they originally set out to do, but can still make some serious cash and be on TV, is both genius and pathetic at the same time. Cannon, those other guys might need this, but you’ve married and knocked up Mariah Carey (allegedly), so you’re pretty much set for life. Now it’s time to stop trying to generate your own income at our expense.

6 Denis Leary
Denis Leary had some of the best, filthiest, and raunchiest stand-up bits back in his prime. And his sense of humor translated perfectly onto his show, Rescue Me… for about three seasons. After that, something went horribly wrong and the show turned to crap. Leary suddenly adopted a stutter and now manages to say “ya know” in between every other word. Watch the show sometime and take a sip of beer every time he does. You’ll be hammered in three and half minutes. It was a good run, but that’ll be quite enough, Denis.

5 Matthew Fox
Matthew Fox has done enough dramatic, over-the-top crying for three people’s careers, let alone his own. He’s had two successful runs on hit TV shows, which is two more than most people usually get, so retirement is probably a good idea at this point… for our sake.

4 Kathy Griffin
If Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog ever had any offspring, they would all sound like Kathy Griffin. She may sound like a Muppet, but she’s nowhere near as loveable or funny. It’s very nice of Hollywood to keep any show she has far away from any channel a guy might stumble upon, but it’d be even more kind if Hollywood could make her disappear completely.

3 David Spade
Has David “Piggyback” Spade ever done anything funny in his entire life? It seems to me that he’s just made a career out of surrounding himself with funny people. Who is it that keeps deciding that he’ll be a good addition to any sitcom? Yet, he continues to pop up on them. Tivo should introduce a new remote with an “Anti-Spade” button that will instantly edit out any scenes in television shows, movies, and commercials that have David Spade in them, which ultimately will provide a more enjoyable viewing experience for the consumer.

2 Criss Angel
Before MTV gave us a whole Jersey Shore houseful of douchebag, A&E helped define the term by bringing us Criss Angel: Mindfreak. Magicians and illusionists are hard enough to like as is (See: David Blaine), but Criss Angel’s Posh Spice haircuts, tilted hats, overuse of jewelry, and Affliction shirts make it as impossible as levitation.

1 Kirstie Alley
It’s so unfortunate that a woman with the last name “Alley” ends up being the size of one. The sad story of a once thin and attractive actress who has lost her grip on her self control with food is not something we, as guys, want to have to endure over and over again. Her Jenny Craig commercial in which she screams “Fettuccini!” (0:18 mark in the video below) at the screen will haunt your dreams forever, so no further television time is needed for Miss Alley. Her work here is done.

After her appearance on Saturday Night Live, another Facebook campaign has popped up for the 88-year-old comedian, and this time her fans want her to host the 82nd Academy Awards show.

Well it looks like social media is really starting to take control of our television sets. After a hilarious ]]>

After her appearance on Saturday Night Live, another Facebook campaign has popped up for the 88-year-old comedian, and this time her fans want her to host the 82nd Academy Awards show.

Well it looks like social media is really starting to take control of our television sets. After a hilarious stint on last week’s SNL, Betty White fans went back to Facebook on Sunday night to start a brand-new campaign to try and get the actress another high-profile gig. “Getting Betty White to Host the Academy Awards” has already amassed over 45,000 fans in only a few days online and looks to surpass the Facebook group that got her to host last week’s SNL.

It might sound far-fetched, but after proving she’s a ratings boost for SNL, one has to think the Academy might at least stop to consider it. She’s got the live TV experience and the quick wit. She’s beloved (in a Bob Hope way), so A-listers should be game for bits.

Last week I would have said this was unlikely, but after seeing White host one of the better SNL shows in recent years, it really doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibilities at this point. I’m sure the writers of the Oscars would have a field day constructing bits with the likes of White and someone like Quentin Tarantino. I feel an Inglorious Old Basterds parody in the pipes…

Betty White to host the Oscars? Facebook campaign take #2. [Entertainment Weekly]

As you may have known, Betty White appeared on SNL this weekend and I can honestly say the show was possibly one of the most entertaining one in years (critics agree! Yay, we’re friends now!). The highly though was probably the old Ana Gasteyer/Molly Shannon NPR double ]]>

As you may have known, Betty White appeared on SNL this weekend and I can honestly say the show was possibly one of the most entertaining one in years (critics agree! Yay, we’re friends now!). The highly though was probably the old Ana Gasteyer/Molly Shannon NPR double entendre skit in which they’re discussing “muffins” with Betty White.

Get it? They’re talking about vaginas! It was a euphemism for female genitalia! As faux edgy as the concept for this sketch has been, it’s usually a home run like this (see: Schweddy Balls).

Betty White was hilarious throughout showing, well, two things: A) Comedy really is something that doesn’t leave you, no matter how much you’ve aged, and B): Maybe we don’t have to grind old people into dust due to their lack of contributions to society. For now.

The former “Golden Girl” will not partake in any nudity for her upcoming appearance on the show. Actually, “Very little nudity” according to the 88-year-old.

White will be hosting the special Mother’s Day edition of SNL this weekend. She’s best known for her role ]]>

The former “Golden Girl” will not partake in any nudity for her upcoming appearance on the show. Actually, “Very little nudity” according to the 88-year-old.

White will be hosting the special Mother’s Day edition of SNL this weekend. She’s best known for her role as Rose on the popular ’80s show “Golden Girls” and her guest appearances on “That 70’s Show,” but has gained notoriety of late from her Super Bowl commercial for Snickers.

The Emmy winner reluctantly agreed to take on the “SNL” hosting gig following a grass-roots Facebook campaign that attracted more than 500,000 fervent fans.

Betty White also mentioned that she may have a duet with this week’s musical guest, Jay-Z. Think about the possibilities of that musical combo. Oh man, If I hear “99 Problems” with White and Jigga, well, my head may explode. That’s a blueprint for comedy gold.

Betty White On SNL Gig: No Nudity, Possible Jay-Z Duet [Fox Illinois]

So today is officially A Day Without Megan Fox and as such we have come up with the girl we’d like to see take over the mantle of woman we all overpromote and drool over at the mere sight of her, and her name is none other ]]>

So today is officially A Day Without Megan Fox and as such we have come up with the girl we’d like to see take over the mantle of woman we all overpromote and drool over at the mere sight of her, and her name is none other than Betty White. Why Betty White? Watch this video and tell me she doesn’t rock like 100x more than that boring old Megan Fox…

See??? Betty rules in a way Megan never will.

Oddly, many older female comedic actors, like Betty White or Cloris Leachman, have an edgier view on comedy than many younger female actresses. Whether it’s dirty jokes or, uh, the sexy idea below of doing a nude scene in the new film The Proposal.

Betty White ]]>

Oddly, many older female comedic actors, like Betty White or Cloris Leachman, have an edgier view on comedy than many younger female actresses. Whether it’s dirty jokes or, uh, the sexy idea below of doing a nude scene in the new film The Proposal.

Betty White really wanted to do a hilarious nude scene, like Oscar Nunez, Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock did in the new romantic comedy “The Proposal.”

“I begged to … have them let me do a nude scene, but they wouldn’t, they just wouldn’t,” Betty revealed. “I said, ‘Well, it’s a comedy and I’ll get laughs, I guarantee it!’ “

Don’t get me wrong, I love droopy breasts and a rotting vagina as much as the next person, hence my work with the elderly who have been affected by Alzheimer’s, but I don’t know about this. There’s already one elderly woman trying to look cute in The Proposal in the form of Sandra Bullock. How many do we need?

Also of note is that Betty White is the only Golden Girl still working in a high profile role. And in a dead heat to be the only one living. Now I’m not saying Rue McClanahan should be beheaded so that Betty White can take her powers, but I’m not saying she shouldn’t either.

[via]

Ever wondered what at least one of the Golden Girls thinks about the upcoming election? Well, good news! Betty White has answered your prayers!

The last time I heard such salty language from a post-menopausal woman, it was Forcible Sodomy Night at the old folks’ home. Now why would ]]>

Ever wondered what at least one of the Golden Girls thinks about the upcoming election? Well, good news! Betty White has answered your prayers!

The last time I heard such salty language from a post-menopausal woman, it was Forcible Sodomy Night at the old folks’ home. Now why would there be Forcible Sodomy Night at an old folks’ home? Well, they canceled Bingo Night after the stock market tumbled; the home simply couldn’t afford to stock both bingo cards and balls with both letters and numbers on them. See US Government, these are the cutbacks real Americans have to make when you institute your crazy policies.