Nerds are a valuable staple of our twisted self-culture, serving as punching bags for the elite and as loveable underdogs for the downtrodden. Sometimes, these nerds manage to break free of their geek chains (which they will be quick to tell you are made from Adamantium) and overcome the odds. It is these nerds who we gather here today to celebrate. Sure, they might not be able to throw a tight spiral forty yards down the field and they need an asthma inhaler to get through, well… through anything really but in the end these nine nerds serve as an inspiration to nerdlings everywhere. Sure, maybe that writer from Gizmodo still won’t date you, but what the hell, someone out there will. After all, these nerds managed to find love -– or at least a whole lot of money, which from what I understand is a kind of love. So buck up nerds, take heart, and follow the examples of these nine trailblazing nerds.

9 Chuck Bartowski
Chuck Bartowski’s a good looking guy. I’m secure enough in my sexuality to admit that. He’s tall, handsome, has a nice ass… too far? Anyway, even though he might not fit the physical profile of your stereotypical nerd, Chuck Bartowski’s not exactly Mr. Smooth. He’s most comfortable sitting around with his even dorkier friend, Morgan Grimes, playing video games and debating the minutiae that only a fanatical Star Wars geek can truly appreciate. But despite all that -– and thanks to a little help from a computer program uploaded into his brain… somehow –- Chuck manages to become both a world class spy and the love interest to a ridiculously hot blonde who knows how to kill a man 168 different ways. Cool job, hot girl by his side, the ability to kill bad guys using everything from Kung Fu to a paperclip –- yes, these qualify Chuck Bartowski as a nerd who, in the end, won.

8 Dennis Kucinich
Despite looking like a dude who should be ambushing unsuspecting travelers from his spot underneath a bridge in fairy tale after fairy tale, and despite the fact that the only ball he’s ever thrown is a fireball during one of his Dungeons and Dragons campaigns, Dennis Kucinich has managed to become not only a Congressman but an influential voice and leader of the American Left. But, honestly, his most noteworthy accomplishment –- and his most mindboggling considering, well, come on, just look at him -– was convincing that lady by his side in the picture there to not only talk to him but to marry him. I don’t know how he pulled it off –- some sort of special troll spell, claiming to have a pot of gold buried at the end of a rainbow somewhere, possessing a magic, uh, longsword -– but he did it, and that’s something no one can ever deny.

7 Lewis Skolnik
Perhaps the stereotypical nerd of the ‘80s, Lewis Skolnick spent most of his life stuck in a series of humiliating events along with his best buddy, the equally nerdy Gilbert Lowe. And after arriving on campus at Adams College, things went from bad to worse as Lewis was kicked out of his dorm, mercilessly harassed by a gang of heathen jocks, openly mocked by the girl of his dreams and forced to coexist with a gang of hopeless nerds who were even more pathetic than he was. So what’s he doing on this list? Well, Lewis Skolnick wasn’t about to take that shit lying down. He damn near lost his mind, staged a late night assault on a sorority house that probably should have gotten him tossed in prison for a while, terrorized the jocks who had harassed him and then boned his dream girl disguised as another dude in a moon room. (Helpful hint to nerds everywhere: don’t try this. Girls don’t really liked being pseudo-raped.) Somehow, this didn’t land him in prison for a long, long time but managed to convince everyone that nerds are okay after all and since his skills as a lover were deemed okay, his dream girl forgave his moon room assault and fell in love with him. Unlikely? Definitely. A tad offensive? Perhaps. But don’t tell Lewis Skolnick that. After all, he’ll get a gang of giant black fraternity brothers to show up and intimidate you by virtue of… of… I guess by virtue of being a gang of giant black dudes. (I know it was almost 30 years ago but how in the hell did Revenge of the Nerds ever get made?) You know what? On second thought, you’d probably be better off not following this particular example.

6 Ric Ocasek
Despite looking like a Muppet on heroin, Ric Ocasek managed to find success as the front man and guitar player for The Cars. And while that might not be a big deal all by itself -– I mean, it sort of seems like every other band from the ‘80s was fronted by a nerd, doesn’t it? –- what is a big deal is that this gawky looking weirdo, the son of a NASA computer analyst (How’s that for a nerd credential?) managed to stay relevant, first as a music producer and more impressively by somehow landing Paulina Porizkova, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue covergirl who launched a billion boners. Look, there are odd couples and then there is Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova. They are the patron saints of odd couples. I mean, sure, he’s a rock star, but… come on. But take heart, nerds, if nothing else this proves that when girls say they value personality over looks, well, sometimes they aren’t just bullshitting you.

5 Gary Wallace and Wyatt Donnelly
Hopelessly nerdy, pals Gary Wallace and Wyatt Donnelly seemed doomed to a life of being harassed at school by bullies and terrorized at home by Wyatt’s older brother, Chet. But since they are nerds, and as we all know, nerds love them some computer hijinks, the two manage to use their computer skills to somehow create the perfect woman. (Don’t ask me how. I assume they used the same technology Chuck Bartowski used to download the Intersect into his brain.) This digital sex goddess instantly gives the nerds some social credibility and it isn’t long before they’re hanging out at blues clubs, hosting wild parties that damn near look like orgies, staring down mutant biker gangs, humiliating their bullies and, of course, winning the hearts of the two, real live human girls they lust after. You know, just like how it usually happens in real life.

4 Mark Zuckerberg
The Social Network might as well have been the remake of Revenge of the Nerds. I mean, after all, the whole premise of the movie seemed to be that Mark Zuckerberg was sick of being just another programming nerd and decided cut a swath of destruction through his social world in route to building a castle made of money atop a giant mountain made of, well, money and the broken dreams of his friends/rivals. Of course, this was a fictionalized hyper-sensationalized depiction of the life of the real Mark Zuckerberg, who by various accounts seems to be neither vindictive nor status-obsessed. In fact, he’s just a genius who capitalized –- big time -– on an idea, which honestly is about as American a story as you can find. But, even if you take all the Iago-like plotting out of the Mark Zuckerberg story, what you’re left with is the story of a nerd (the last time I checked, mastering computer programming as a child not only marked you as a highly, highly gifted person but it also gave you a free pass into secret nerd societies everywhere ) who conquered the world. I mean, I doubt Mark Zuckerberg is sitting around outraged because a woman from Gizmodo didn’t like him, you know? Hell, Mark Zuckerberg could buy Gizmodo -– and everything else too, including that writer. (Hell, this writer too if he’s reading. I’m not too proud to pitch in if you need a new footrest/court jester, milord. Why, yes, I will take a check.) Sitting on top of almost 15 billion dollars tends to give you a lot of options. Oh, and it also pretty much automatically makes you one of life’s winners.

3 Steve Urkel
In real life, Steve Urkel would have been shot in a rage by Carl Winslow after one obnoxious antic too many. Or maybe he would have been beaten to death by Eddie or smothered in his sleep by his own parents or hauled off to prison after violating his beloved Laura’s restraining order yet again. But in the land of make believe, Steve Urkel managed to not only survive as the uber-nerd of the ‘90s, he managed to thrive, worming his way into the hearts of his neighbors, the Winslows, and even more shockingly, into the heart of Laura Winslow, who in the end accepted his marriage proposal even though she spent most of their time together professing her undying disgust for his unapologetically obnoxious nerd ways. The Steve Urkel story is the ultimate story of persistence -– creepy, unbelievable persistence, the kind that gets you put on certain lists, but persistence nonetheless, and in the end, you can’t deny that the guy got what he wanted all along, and I guess that makes him a winner.

2 Bill Gates
Perhaps nobody in these strange and terrible times epitomizes the story of the nerd made good more than Bill Gates. We all know the story -– the ubernerdy Gates dropped out of Harvard, armed with only his 9th Level Nerd Powers of computer programming and then managed to turn those powers into a little company called Microsoft, which he then parlayed into roughly a kajillion dollars and the title of Space Emperor of Jupiter. Okay, okay, fine, I’m exaggerating. He was actually named Vice-Regent of Mars, but still… pretty impressive, right? There is probably no nerd on the face of this planet who won the game of life as spectacularly as Bill Gates. He’s richer than Scrooge McDuck, he has a loving wife, the ear of virtually every powerful person on the planet and his influence can be seen and felt in every home and office in America. Hell, I’m writing this using Microsoft Word. Bill Gates won and Bill Gates won BIG.

1 Albert Einstein
The name Einstein is synonymous with the triumphant nerd. No name in history is as attached to the idea of pure brilliance as Einstein. He stands alone atop the world of the nerd. His face adorns posters on the walls of nerds everywhere. His wild hair and eccentricity are as iconic as the man’s brain. In other words, he is just as famous for being a nerd as he is for being a genius, and he is really, really fucking famous for both. He almost doesn’t exist as a real historical figure. He’s one of those dudes who seems almost more like a mythical creature than a man who was once living and breathing. I’d say that this is one nerd who did pretty damn well for himself, wouldn’t you? He may not have been as rich as Bill Gates or had as hot a wife as Ric Ocasek or had award winning movies made about his life like Mark Zuckerberg, but he’s Einstein. He’s Einstein. And that says it all right there, doesn’t it?

Famous people are always doing dumb stuff that gets them tossed behind bars. At some point, I guess you figure the laws of planet Earth no longer apply to you and so you start walking out of stores with diamond bracelets or driving down the freeway even though you just mainlined Jack Daniels all night long or kill your ex-wife and her waiter boyfriend just because…well, hell, you don’t need a reason. You’re famous! But while everybody knows about the Lindsays and Mels and Charlies and OJs of the word, famous folk who completely lose their mind after being sucked into the vortex of celebrity, not everybody knows about those precious few celebrities who find fame and fortune even after seeing the inside of a jail cell. It is these once wayward souls that this list celebrates, those famous people who spent time in jail before anyone knew who the hell they were. And so without further ado, here are nine celebrities who spent time in jail before becoming famous.

9 Danny Trejo
Long before Danny Trejo gained notoriety as a Hollywood badass he earned notoriety of a different sort -– that of a hardened criminal. Trejo spent parts of 11 years in jail and prison after getting caught up in drugs and armed robbery. Eventually, while in the famous San Quentin, Trejo took up boxing and became a prison champ. After getting clean, Trejo made the right connections and the rest is history. Charlie Sheen can rant and rave all about tiger blood all he wants and Mel Gibson can get away with extorting blowjobs in exchange for a promise not to commit arson but I’m guessing if either one of those assholes ever stepped to Danny Trejo they’d spend the rest of their lives sipping their meals through a straw and asking his permission every time they wanted to take a piss. In a land of fake badasses, Danny Trejo is the real deal and he has the record of a hardened prison badass to back it up.

8 Stephen Fry
A British Renaissance man, Stephen Fry has found fame and fortune as an actor, comedian, novelist and journalist, which is a hell of a feat when you consider that Fry got his adult life off on the wrong foot after getting thrown in jail for swiping a credit card from a family friend. Fry spent three months in prison, but rather than succumbing to a life as a petty criminal, Fry saw the error of his ways, enrolled in school, studied his ass off and gained admittance to Cambridge where he met Hugh Laurie, who would go on to be his collaborator and co-star in the pairing which brought both men their first tastes of fame. Naturally, the lesson to be learned from all this is that credit card theft will eventually lead to fame and fortune. Wait… right? No? Well, I see no logical flaws in that line of thinking. None at all. Well, I guess there is the downside of, you know, spending time in prison, but it seems like it worked out okay for Stephen Fry. I’m just saying.

7 Charles S. Dutton
It turns out that the star of Roc is actually a crazy badass. Who knew? Well, I’m guessing the dude Dutton stabbed to death in a street fight when he was 17 figured that out pretty damn quickly — which saw Dutton land in prison for manslaughter for several years — as did the prison guard he beat down while incarcerated during yet another prison sentence, this time for possessing a deadly weapon. Damn. Dutton served almost five years for that beat down and during that time, Roc apparently discovered a love of drama. Well, why not? I mean, up until that point his whole life had been nothing but drama. Since then, Dutton has carved out a nice career as a character actor, highlighted by his appearance in the third Alien film and his star turn as the titular character of the aforementioned Roc. I’m guessing that in real life that Alien would have run like hell once he found out that Roc wasn’t afraid to stab a mofo. Forget Alien vs. Predator. I want to see Alien vs. Roc.

6 Bill Gates
The details behind Bill Gates’ arrest are murky, but as you can see from the mugshot there, it did happen. It’s believed that Gates was arrested after being busted for reckless driving and driving without a license in New Mexico in 1977, and although I’m guessing that he probably only spent a few hours in a holding cell before being released, it wasn’t the first time that Wild Bill was busted by the law for driving like a bat out of hell. Reports indicate that he was also arrested in New Mexico in April of 1975, and there are some reports that indicate that he was arrested again one time after that. The whole thing is strange as hell, and who knows what actually happened? There is nothing but scattered reports and that tantalizing mug shot to suggest that Gates was terrorizing New Mexico roads throughout the mid to late ‘70s. No matter what went on there, what we do know is that Gates was arrested yet again in 1989 on suspicion of drunk driving charges. Goddamn, Wild Bill! Eventually that charge was reduced and Gates went on to become the uber-billionaire we all know and love. When he gets bored with making a metric assload (technical term) of money, Gates might as well use all this credibility to make guest appearances on a bunch of hip hop tracks. After all, Tupac ain’t got shit on Wild Bill Gates.

5 Nick Nolte
Nick Nolte managed to avoid a long prison term but he is a convicted felon, having been busted for selling fake draft cards in 1962. Stuck with five years of probation after that fiasco, Nolte still isn’t allowed to vote and he has reportedly refused every invitation he has received to the White House because he feels like the president shouldn’t be hanging around with convicted felons. That brings up some interesting questions though. I mean, how often is Nick Nolte being invited to the White House? Isn’t that kind of weird? Or is that just part of an actor’s normal routine? 12:00 – lunch with my agent, 3:00 – poker with the president. Sure, I can see Nick Nolte and Bill Clinton getting along well, maybe trolling for ass in seedy DC bars, but the whole idea is just a little weird, right? Anyway, Nolte didn’t seem to be hurt too much by his conviction as he went on to become one of the biggest stars of the late-‘70s/early-‘80s. Oddly, though, he might be best known to the Internet generation for his infamous mug shot, taken after his DUI arrest in 2002, which I suppose is just fate’s way of making sure that the circle of Nick Nolte’s life is complete.

4 50 Cent
Before he was famous, 50 Cent was busted for selling crack and ended up doing time. But unlike most crack dealers, the man originally known as Curtis Jackson didn’t do time in a conventional prison. Instead, he was sent to a boot camp prison where he spent the next several months presumably exercising and getting screamed at, which I suppose is better than fighting off would be prison rapists. When he emerged, Jackson went clean, becoming an accountant and retiring to the suburbs. Wait, you mean that’s not what happened? Okay, fine. After leaving boot camp, Jackson changed his name to 50 Cent and became such a paragon of virtue that it led to him getting shot up in front of his grandma’s house. But all that did was add to the growing legend of 50 Cent and it all became part of an aura which –- along with his talent — helped him become a big star. Personally, I’m waiting on the 50 Cent/Wild Bill Gates collaboration but sadly it hasn’t happened yet.

3 Robert Mitchum
Robert Mitchum was a wild little dude, getting chucked out of school when he was 12 for fighting with the principal before eventually getting arrested for vagrancy when he was only 14. He was put on a chain gang (At 14!) before he supposedly escaped and found his way to California where after a series of odd jobs, he took up acting and became a big Hollywood star. Perhaps the archetype of the badass Hollywood rebel, Mitchum would eventually find himself busted in 1948 for smoking pot with a starlet named Lila Leeds, for which he received sixty days in jail but that was probably easy time compared to his chain gang days. Seriously, the dude was on a chain gang when he was 14. 14! I guess they just didn’t give a damn back in the Depression. Find an eighth grader on the street and chain his truant ass up. These days that would get you a visit from Chris Hansen. But for Robert Mitchum, it was just a part of his childhood development, and the start of a renowned life of badassery that would last until his death decades later.

2 Tim Allen
Yes, long before he was the Tool Man, Tim Allen was a coke dealer. Busted at an airport with reportedly over a pound of cocaine(!), Allen faced a long prison sentence, but Allen saw the writing on the wall and volunteered to snitch on his cohorts which allowed him to get off with a comparatively light sentence. Still, Allen spent over two years in federal prison where I’m guessing he perfected his famed grunting techniques with the help of an overly amorous cellmate. Allen eventually fought his way to fame via his every man comedy routine, serving as the forefather for such luminaries as Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy, which, let’s be honest, is the greatest crime he could have ever committed. Seriously, shouldn’t that be a violation of his probation or something?

1 Don King
I know it might surprise you, but Don King hasn’t always found himself on the right side of the law. Shocking, I know. Indeed, it would seem that in his early days, King was damn near a gangster. King was accused of a ton of crimes back in the day as the head of a Cleveland gambling operation, including the murder of a dude in 1954. Apparently, King shot the poor guy after he caught him breaking into his shop. Amazingly, the shooting was ruled self-defense and King went on being, well, Don King. In 1966, however, his luck ran out when he was again busted for getting all kill happy. It would seem that King got into a fight with an employee named Sam Garrett over money, naturally, and during the fight, Garrett hit his head on the pavement and was carried off by his spirit horse. Some believe that he was actually stomped to death by King and apparently it was all enough for King to finally get convicted of manslaughter. He served only four years thanks to some slick legal maneuvering before being released and making the fateful decision to abandon gambling for the cleaner world of professional boxing where he famously served as a pristine promoter and an excellent role model for a young boxer by the name of Mike Tyson. Ahem. Well, at least nobody got hurt. And by nobody I of course mean everybody. It turns out that Don King’s greatest achievement in life is managing to only spend four years in prison which is impressive as hell when you realize that he is, well, Don King.

Another gem from the fine folks at NMA News in Taiwan. Last week it was a video of monkey soldiers and this week it’s portraying Steve Jobs as a Darth Vader in yet another confusing video. Steve Jobs: Ruler of Apple Inc. and Chinese sweatshops throughout the galaxy!

Again, my Chinese is rusty but I think I can roughly translate the video.

“My name is Steve Jobs and I hate my customers. Americans that complain about your iPhone problems, please stand in this long line while I have a lightsaber battle with Bill Gates for supremacy of the Silicon Valley Empire. I’m going to steal your hat, Bill Gates. Now the cops are going to break down the doors of Gizmondo and I’m going to choke your thieving writers. I will not be paying for your door. Hey, it’s raining people again. You are stuck with AT&T for all of the times. You can count the number of bars on your phone with one hand? Not after I cut all your fingers off! Only Consumer Reports can stop me now. Nooooooooooo! Your phone doesn’t work, but I’m still the most powerful man in the universe. Suck it, Warren Buffett!”