Bret Michaels suing the Tony Awards for almost killing him
“Michaels has filed a lawsuit … blaming producers for not instructing him on how to safely exit the stage after his performance was over … because while he tried to exit, he was ‘smacked’ in the face by a piece of the set.”

Charlie Sheen calls Denise Richards a ‘kidnapper’ and ‘dog thief’
“Any good will that existed between Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife Denise Richards may be gone.”

Will Ferrell may join The Office cast for good
“Ferrell is confident he could fill Carell’s shoes — and already has ideas on how he’d change up the sitcom’s script.”

Mila Kunis weighs in on Black Swan, Natalie Portman controversy
“Natalie danced her ass off,” says Kunis. “I think it’s unfortunate that this is coming out and taking attention away from [the praise] Natalie deserved and got.”

Katy Perry’s mom is not happy about Katy’s act, boobs
“Katy stepped out from behind the changing doors in a tiny risqué costume. No mother wants to see the top of her daughter’s boobs…My first instinct was to order her back behind those doors and demand she put something else on.”

Raunchy Christina Aguilera pictures for sale
“Hundreds of highly intimate photographs of Christina Aguilera have surfaced, including candid images of the star partying at Nicole Richie’s bachelorette party and in bed with her boyfriend Matt Rutler.”

Sylvester Stallone to release menswear inspired by Rocky and Rambo
“Clothing is the first step to building a character. I really believe I have an understanding of the male psyche on all levels.”

Britney Spears, Ryan Seacrest to host Wango Tango Festival
“…which will feature performances from Ke$ha, Jennifer Lopez and Selena Gomez.”

Lil Wayne and Paris Hilton might record a song together
“I was gonna ask you, how are you gonna release an album and don’t get me on it?”

Reese Witherspoon got married to Jim Toth
“Wearing a custom-designed Monique Lhuillier gown, the actress, 35, exchanged vows with CAA agent Toth, 40, in front of 120 family members and friends.”

Celebrity gossip items that you may have missed this week…

— Zooey Deschanel sent a raunchy, naked video of herself to her boyfriend… in 1998. They are just now hitting the Internet. And people say news travels faster because of the Internet. Pfffftt…

— Demi Lovato checked into a rehab center, but not the kind that Lindsay Lohan is in. This one is for her to get help for “emotional and physical issues.” Uh oh, “physical” issues? Anyone care to guess what that’s code for?

— Demi Lovato’s emotional issues may have had something to do with Ashley Greene now currently doinking her ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas. Or not.

— Speaking of Lindsay Lohan and rehab, she might not be on the hook for her medical bills as previously thought. All she has to do is serve as a “marketing consultant” for a Web site. A Web site that you can’t view at work unless you happen to work at a strip club.

— Bret Michaels had sex with Miley Cyrus’ mom, Tish. Or not.

— Charlie Sheen filed for divorce from his third wife Brooke Mueller. Or as I like to call it, firing a pre-emptive strike.

— The “true story” behind Conan O’Brien’s move to TBS (as told by Andy Richter).

— Keith Olbermann was suspended indefinitely by MSNBC. Sadly it was not just for him being a complete and utter douchebag.

— David Cassidy was arrested for DUI. You remember David Cassidy, right? You know, Katie Cassidy’s dad?

— Heidi Montag is researching stripping. Presumably for her next career move.

— Oh yeah, that whole “divorce” thing that Heidi and Spencer Pratt went through? Yeah, that was fake. They also claim to have filed for bankruptcy. I hope that’s not fake too.

— Kim Kardashian recorded a single. No, really, she did. It’s horrible so I know it was her.

— Justin Bieber wants his own private jet. Of course he does.

— Speaking of people with wayyyy too much money…

— And finally, Hulk Hogan whipped his dick out in front of his daughter Brooke for a video game commercial. Maybe he just thought he was Keith Richards or something.

This weekend’s sexy video comes to us from the fine folks over at FHM who were kind enough to shoot a video of one of my favorite British babes in lingerie, Kara Tointon, who also happens to be their cover girl this month. Giggity…

See more of Kara Tointon and other cover girls at FHM.com.

Well, I think it’d be perfectly reasonable to just give this girl the song and allow her to tour the country performing it. Bret Michaels has enough other stuff going on. Plus there’s a real uncanny similarity between the two. Kind of like how that Asian dude who replaced Steve Perry in Journey is exactly the same in terms of voice and look. That stage presence, that soul. Good looks that make even Susan Boyle look terrible in comparison. This lady is definitely going places.

I understand that you are beautiful and people probably see you and bow down to your every whim and fancy, but answering a question such as this, in the manner that you did, makes you seem like a stuck-up b**ch.

A better answer would have been to flip the question around and ask Billy Baldwin what his “one big mistake” from life would have been and what he did to “make it right.”

“Uh, my biggest mistake would probably have been either becoming an ‘actor’ or the film Red Rover, where I played a–what am I telling you for, we’ve all seen it, right? And I guess the way I would have made it right was to, uh, stop acting and go back to school at Hamburger University, so that I could fulfill my dreams of one day becoming a night McManager at a Massapequa McDonalds. Wow, when I think about it, this question makes me kinda sound like a hypocrite.”

You’ve done nothing  ”major, major” in your life that your not proud of? Really? I mean that’s just insulting to the judges and everyone watching.

But hey, you’re in Las Vegas, Nevada, with Billy Baldwin and Bret Michaels for at least the next few hours, you have plenty of clock left to fit a lifetime of regrets into those few hours. If you want to keep your pristine image, I suggest not climbing on to any STD infested buses with Bret Michaels and shying away from wedding chapels while in the company of any stray Baldwins that may be lurking around backstage.

Yesterday, girls around the world were distraught to see their precious Justin Bieber get walloped in the face by a water bottle. And while Justin miraculously recovered from getting hit by a 8 oz piece of plastic, there have been other celebrities who have not fared as well.

Here are their stories:

Geraldo Rivera tries to stop a race riot and takes a stray chair to the nose

Season 1 of ‘Jersey Shore’, Snooki gets drilled in the face by a bar patron

Food Network star Paula Deen gets a frozen ham right in the kisser

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates attacked by a pie wielding man

Elin Nordegren gets the best of Tiger Woods on Thanksgiving night

Bret Michaels face vs. the stage

Lady Gaga is accosted by a bouqet of flowers

‘Housewives’ star Jesse Metcalfe knocked the f out by a guy on the street

And of course, the aforementioned Justin Bieber incident.
(Seeing it only once just doesn’t do it justice.)

The best part is the whimsy with which he skips into smashing his face into the set. There’s a real Broadway quality to it, insomuch as he looked like a complete fairy while doing it. If nothing else, this is a stellar audition for him being Tinkerbell in the Broadway production of Peter Pan. Assuming Tinkerbell will be a drugged-looking balding older man with eyeliner. Which is probably how she’d look like in real life anyways. I mean have you seen midgets in real life? It’s not like they’re exactly setting the world on fire with their beauty. Unless you’ve got a thing for fingers that look like kielbasas in which case, well, your prostate is in for a treat.