With news this week that Justin Timberlake is returning to music as a film composer we figured it would be a good time to take a look a back at his alleged sexual history and see how he compares to the other legendary swordsmen we’ve chronicled.

People go nuts all the time or are found wandering down the street in only their underwear and a deranged smile, and the only thing this earns most people is a trip to the funny farm and a reputation among their friends and family for being completely bonkers, which ]]>

People go nuts all the time or are found wandering down the street in only their underwear and a deranged smile, and the only thing this earns most people is a trip to the funny farm and a reputation among their friends and family for being completely bonkers, which is sad because, really, these people should be applauded for getting the help they need. (There. There is the standard “Mental illness is not a joke and should be treated with the utmost respect and gravity” line which will surely be demanded by the humorless drones who get a wild hair up their asses about this sort of thing. Calm down, people, there’s no need to go crazy.) But famous people are different. They just are. Not only are they made of a special blend of gold, honey and angel dust, when they go crazy, the whole world inevitably knows about it, not just their loved ones. This is the price of fame. Celebrities are also different in that there seems to be something in their makeup which is not just conducive to fame but also to mental illness. It’s that thin line between genius and insanity, and that’s what we’re here to explore today.

9 Britney Spears
Oh, Britney. It seems like just yesterday you were parading down the hallways of a fake high school in a short skirt and with an invitation to sin in your eyes. But actually, yesterday you were probably busy talking to imaginary ponies and zonked out on a handful of meds. Because even more vivid than your carnal video escapades are the images of you with a shaved head and crazy eyes being hauled off to the loony bin for your own protection. Yes, after months of wading through a mess of drug rumors, erratic behavior and assorted Federlines, Spears found herself institutionalized for a week in early 2008 at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. It was only a week, but it was enough to take her from America’s Troubled Sweetheart to America’s Punchline. She’s never really recovered publicly from it. But what the hell, she’s richer than you and everyone you know put together and so I’m guessing she’s not too broken up about it. Still, the world mourns the loss of her innocence. And also those short skirts.

8 James Taylor
James Taylor is one of the few celebrities on this list who managed to go on to bigger and better things following his institutionalization. A sensitive, creative kid, Taylor found himself collapsing under the weight of a deep depression towards the end of his high school days. It got bad enough that Taylor committed himself in 1965 to McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts. There, Taylor recuperated for nine months, managing to earn his diploma through the hospital’s associated Arlington School. Taylor actually credits the hospital with saving his life, providing him a reprieve from the big bad world. Of course, it probably didn’t hurt that being in the nuthouse also kept him from having to serve in Vietnam. I mean, if you’re going to have your life saved in the emotional and mental sense, you might as well splurge and get your life literally saved while you’re at it. Taylor later wrote his famous song “Fire and Rain” in memory of his time in the nuthouse, which means that his stay in the mental hospital not only saved him mentally and saved him from possibly dying in a foreign war, but it also provided the inspiration for perhaps his biggest hit. No wonder he seems cool about the experience.

7 Carrie Fisher
Look, being stuck in a gold bikini and chained up by a giant slug with a long slimy tongue and a penchant for eating live frogs and freezing dudes in carbonite would make anyone go mad, even the lovely Princess Leia. And at the age of 40, apparently the memories of her enslavement became too much for Carrie Fisher because she finally broke down and was committed to a mental hospital after years of alcohol, drugs and wild insanity. There, Fisher says she was taken off all of her various medications and spent the next six days wide awake. Deprived of sleep and, well, sanity, Fisher began to imagine that the people in the little magic box known as the television were speaking directly to her and it wasn’t until her doctors played around with her medicine that Fisher was able to reemerge and begin rebuilding her life. Today, Fisher manages the manic depression which lies at the root of her problems with medication and, uh, electroshock therapy. Which seems a little extreme, but what the hell, it seems like it works for her. After all, recently, she has emerged as sort of an avatar for perseverance with her book and one woman show, both titled Wishful Drinking. Plus, she ended up choking out that fat slug with the very chain he kept her on, so she got some closure there. She did make out with her brother, though, so she’s still got some things to deal with.

6 Winona Ryder
Call it early research for her role in Girl Interrupted. Of course, in 1990, when Ryder checked herself into a mental hospital, that movie was still years away from being made, but still, we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she had some sort of premonition that such a role was on the horizon. Or maybe she just really, really needed a break. After dropping out of The Godfather: Part III, Ryder apparently felt like the world was kind of an asshole, because she went straight to the nuthouse. She left after only staying there a couple of weeks and later claimed that it was basically a waste of time, that they didn’t have any answers for her, and that her recovery from exhaustion, anxiety and depression was just a matter of deciding to move on with her life. Well, then. Good news, crazies! Winona Ryder says you can just decide to be better! But even though she apparently thinks her stay at the funny farm didn’t help her, we can all agree that she deserved to be confined for at least a couple of weeks for dropping out of The Godfather: Part III and subjecting us all to the horror that was Sofia Coppola as Mary Corleone.

5 Margot Kidder
Hey, remember that one Superman movie when Lois Lane went nuts and was found hiding naked behind a woodpile, missing her teeth and ranting and raving incoherently? I think it was in that same movie where Superman battled Richard Pryor and the dude from Two and a Half Men. Or maybe that’s what actually happened to Margot Kidder in real life. Yes, in 1996, Kidder finally cracked completely after a long run of weird and crazy shit. Bottoming out, Kidder found herself arrested and tossed into the crazy house for a while until she calmed her ass down, which wasn’t easy because she suffers from manic-depression. Thankfully, the episode seemed to serve as a wakeup call for Kidder, who started to take her mental health more seriously, and since then she claims not to have had a manic episode thanks to natural medicine. There’s no word on whether Superman stood by her during her trials and tribulations, but then again, Superman had his own issues to deal with after falling off of a kryptonite horse. I’m sure she understands.

4 Yoko Ono
Before hooking up with John Lennon and assassinating the Beatles, Yoko Ono was just a struggling artist, a rebellious young hipster with rich parents who tried to make her own way in the world before being overcome by a failed marriage and a severe depression, both of which combined to send her back to Japan and her parents, who quickly committed her to a mental hospital. A friend of hers, Anthony Cox, managed to spring her from the nuthouse and the two of them quickly married. A baby named Kyoko soon followed, but so did the end of the marriage and Yoko returned to the United States where she soon met Lennon and, well, you know the rest. Sure, sure, some would call Ono an aggressive social climber who veiled herself in a pretentious mixture of avant-garde gibberish and the fame of her husband, but her stay at the mental hospital reveals a woman of deep sadness who probably just wanted to be loved for herself. Or, you know, maybe all that other stuff is true and she was just a spoiled rich girl who threw a hissy fit and her parents ended up calling her bluff. Either way.

3 Vivien Leigh
In her day, Vivien Leigh was considered the most beautiful woman in Hollywood. Unfortunately, she was also considered batshit crazy, suffering several breakdowns, the worst of which resulted in a stay in a mental hospital and a round of aggressive shock-treatments which supposedly left burn marks on her head. Despite all this, Leigh, who was bipolar, although no one really knew what this was at the time, managed to remain a star. She won an Oscar for A Streetcar Named Desire even though her disease had wreaked havoc on her personal life. Vivien Leigh had the bad luck to live in an era which didn’t understand how to treat mental illness other than as some sort of ugly secret to be crudely attacked with barbaric methods and covered up with drugs and alcohol. Her story is one of the most tragic on this list because if doctors only knew what in the hell they were dealing with, who knows what Leigh could have accomplished or how she’d be remembered today? As it is, she had a fairly legendary career and is remembered as one of Hollywood’s preeminent beauties and actresses. Which is astounding when you consider that she could barely function in real life.

2 Joey Ramone
One of the godfathers of punk rock, before Joey Ramone became an icon he was just a mixed up kid with problems just like the rest of us. Sure, most of us don’t end up pulling a knife on our brother and mother before being sent to a mental hospital for a month, but still. Indeed, it seems that young Joey Ramone suffered from schizophrenia and according to the official report from the hospital, he also suffered from low self-esteem, was paranoid, and, well, was basically an all-around f*ck up. Which, well, that basically sums up punk rock, doesn’t it? In any event, Joey Ramone, despite looking like Howard Stern if he was missing a couple of chromosomes, managed to overcome his issues and become a global icon and a hero to millions of disaffected kids. Which, let’s face it, is a hell of a lot more impressive than anything you’ve ever done.

1 Marilyn Monroe
Oh, poor Marilyn. Like some sort of superpowered mutant hybrid of the Britney Spears, Carrie Fisher and Vivien Leigh entries on this list, Marilyn Monroe is as famous for her fragile mental state as she was for her blonde bombshell sex appeal. In retrospect, Marilyn never really had a chance. She had a long history of mental illness in her family -– hell, her mother died in the nuthouse –- and she spent most of her adult life being passed back and forth in between various famous men like some sort of prize. So it makes all the sense in the world that in 1961 she finally found herself confined to the one place she feared most –- the mental hospital. Tricked into going by a doctor who told her she just needed a place where she could chill out for a while, Marilyn was quickly thrown into a padded room. Sadly for Marilyn, after being released things didn’t get better and she continued to spiral downhill, used up by powerful men like the Kennedys and left to die alone of an overdose. It’s hard to say what Marilyn Monroe’s life would have been like without all the craziness and if she had gotten help earlier because her whole identity is inextricably bound with the various tragedies of her life. In short, she wouldn’t be Marilyn Monroe without being a nutcase. And eventually, that led her to the same place it led her mother: a mental institution and a sad death.



Originally published on July 19, 2011.

Whoever runs Britney Spears’ Twitter account tweeted a link yesterday to a Marilyn Manson video for the song “Sweet Dreams” in which Britney is seen writhing around with a bunch of other people wearing sexy outfits in what appears to be an orgy of some kind. ]]>

Nothing says 'hardcore' quite like Marilyn Manson and Britney Spears...

Whoever runs Britney Spears’ Twitter account tweeted a link yesterday to a Marilyn Manson video for the song “Sweet Dreams” in which Britney is seen writhing around with a bunch of other people wearing sexy outfits in what appears to be an orgy of some kind. (I can’t believe I just typed all those words in the same sentence.)

Fun, huh? Now then, as for the biting thing I mentioned. I guess Britney gives fans lap dances or some shit during her concerts and this video just hit the Internet of some guy getting the treatment, only when Brit climbs the stripper pole to wrap her legs around his head he decides he wants to get a little bite of one of her legs. I bet she tastes like gravy.

I said earlier “whoever runs Britney Spears’ Twitter account” because I know that if it was actually her doing the typing there’d be a lot more comments about how good Cheetos are and discoveries of things she finds in her bellybutton in her timeline. Also I thought of grabbing a bunch of screencaps of the Manson video for people who don’t really want to watch it, but then I ran into these recent pics of Brit-Brit wearing a bikini on a boat and figured they were slightly more interesting.

The MTV Video Music Awards is the one place that if you are looking to see beautiful celebrities, from sexy singers to hot actresses, you might want to add to your must-attend list (Lady Gaga performing as Jo Calderone aside). 2011 at the Nokia theater in Los Angeles was no ]]>

Sex-ay! Just kidding, the real sexy stuff is down below... (sorry)

The MTV Video Music Awards is the one place that if you are looking to see beautiful celebrities, from sexy singers to hot actresses, you might want to add to your must-attend list (Lady Gaga performing as Jo Calderone aside). 2011 at the Nokia theater in Los Angeles was no exception to this rule as you can see below from the number of hot ladies who took time out of their Sunday to get all dolled up for a night of musical performances, awards-presenting, all-around narcissistic self-love, and wondering what in the f*ck Cloris Leachman was doing anywhere near this place.

As I alluded to above, Lady Gaga opened the show by performing her single “Yoü and I” as her male alter-ego Jo Calderone. Seriously, that’s her, I swear.

Here are your 2011 MTV Video Music Award winners…

Best Pregnancy Announcement: Beyonce
Best Video With A Message: Lady Gaga, “Born This Way”
Best Pop Video: Britney Spears, “Till the World Ends”
Best Rock Video: Foo Fighters, “Walk”
Best Collaboration Video: Katy Perry featuring Kanye West, “E.T.”
Best Hip-Hop Video: Nicki Minaj, “Super Bass”
Best Male Video: Justin Bieber, “U Smile” (Who thanked both God AND Jesus.)
Best New Artist: Tyler The Creator, “Yonkers”
Best Female Video: Lady Gaga, “Born This Way”
Video Of The Year: Katy Perry, “Firework”

And here are a few of lovely ladies who were in attendance at this soiree (in order below): Demi Lovato, JoJo, Kelly Rowland, Maria Menounos, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Victoria Justice, Zoe Saldana, Katy Perry, Skylar Grey, Beyonce, Katie Holmes, Kim Kardashian (Humphries), and Britney Spears.

Here is this week’s wrap-up of living proof that women just don’t get it. Some are celebrities, some are random news items, but they’re all acting like idiots. Each one gets a nifty little title and a treasured spot in our hall of shame. This week we’ve got a ]]>

Here is this week’s wrap-up of living proof that women just don’t get it. Some are celebrities, some are random news items, but they’re all acting like idiots. Each one gets a nifty little title and a treasured spot in our hall of shame. This week we’ve got a baby puncher, a former fatty with apparent amnesia, a crazy pillow lady, and everyone’s favorite repeat offender, Britney Spears. This, gentlemen, is your week in women.

Bitchy Unqualified Mother of the Week: Erica Ryan
This woman was arrested in Boston on Tuesday for punching her one year-old baby in the grillpiece on a public bus. Apparently the child wouldn’t eat, so she called him a few names and gave him the left hook. I understand parenting is probably really stressful, but if you’re at the point where you’re punching helpless drool factories in their chubby little cheeks, you’ve got an issue. Did you think you were going to go through nine months of torture and however many hours of labor to pop out a fully-functional, self-sufficient creature? You signed up for this, lady. Show a little effort. If your kid won’t eat, squirt some ketchup on that shit and try again. If that doesn’t work, the thing gets to go without lunch. Done and done, problem solved. You can’t just be punting fetuses all over the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Hypocritical Bitch of the Week: Kelly Osbourne
The trainwreck spawn of Ozzy Osbourne called Christina Aguilera a “fat bitch” this week on one of those eight million shows on E! where they talk about fashion. Yeah, I know the two have hated each other for years and I don’t really care. The point is that a few short years ago Kelly looked like a bloated whale of gothness before she discovered a bottle of peroxide and what happens when you stick a finger down your throat. Who the f*ck are you to sit there with your bleached hair, red lipstick, and pale ass skin and criticize the person who you so obviously were dying to be? Don’t get me wrong; I’ll be the first to admit that I think Xtina’s on a steady decline to hefty has-been, but it’s ok for me to do so since I never looked like the before picture of a Jenny Craig ad. I give Kelly a couple months before she’s rebounding into chunky town faster than you can say Kirstie Alley. Those on glass soap boxes should be careful not to go for that third slice of Domino’s.

Crazy Bitch of the Week: Tamara from My Strange Addiction
In case you haven’t discovered this gem of a television series yet, it chronicles the lives of people who are addicted to the most unheard of things you could possibly imagine. Like the one episode where some broad was addicted to eating couch cushions. This is real life.

This week we met Tamara, a woman who is “addicted” to a pillow she bought in an antique shop back in the 80s. She brings it literally everywhere with her, named it “Boo,” and has never washed it. Now, I’ve got a friend who is obsessed with her blankie. It’s kinda weird but we let her live, because even if she brings it to the bar, the thing’s too small for anyone who isn’t violating her personal space to notice. But a goddamn pillow? What an inconvenience you’ve unnecessarily imposed onto your own life. I don’t even like to have to bring my own pillow on road trips and plane rides because it’s such an awkward object to carry. The disproportion of weight to surface area makes its a pain in the tits when you’ve got other objects in the mix.

I digress. Lady, ditch the bedding and grow the hell up before you quickly descend into the life of a miserable, lonely cat lady. Because no one will ever have sex with you as long as Boo is invited. No one wants two dirty old sacks of stank in their bedroom.

Dead Fish Bitch of the Week: Britney Spears
God, Brit. You pop up on this list far too often. But pulling your boyfriend up on stage for a yawn-inducing lap dance on tour could not be ignored. In New York last night, Britney decided to bring up boyfriend Jason Trawick on stage for her performance of some shitty song filled with lyrics that are supposed to make us think she’s still sexually attractive. What followed was the most awkwardly fantastic public display of a boring sex life that I’ve seen since Liza Minnelli and David Gest. Jason sat there looking… not nervous, not playful, not even embarrassed… just straight bored. The only time his facial expression even changed was when she pulled out what you know she thought was her power move and much-too-violently wrapped her thunder thighs around his neck.

Go ahead and enjoy the counter-productivity of raping the replay button on that video all day to remind yourself that at least you’re having better sex than someone.

Inevitably, during your busy work week, there are videos you probably missed on Guyism. But don’t fret, we’ve compiled some of the best in one post for you.

Missed attempt at catching foul ball causes kid to pout

This young San Francisco Giants fan was rather ]]>

Inevitably, during your busy work week, there are videos you probably missed on Guyism. But don’t fret, we’ve compiled some of the best in one post for you.

Missed attempt at catching foul ball causes kid to pout

This young San Francisco Giants fan was rather displeased when the people in front of him were able to retrieve a foul ball before he could at last night’s game. Watch his hilarious reaction as they celebrate their triumph.

The Guy Code, as explained by a creepy shirtless nerd

Even though we’re a site for men, we don’t necessarily get on the “RAH RAH DUDES!” bandwagon too often here. But maybe that needs to change. After seeing this video from shirtless and creepy YouTuber slipoka about “The Guy Code”, I feel all empowered and whatnot. Clearly this is a man who knows what’s up.

Britney Spears wraps her legs around Kenny Britt’s head during Nashville show

Britney Spears’ sexy “Femme Fatale” tour made its way to Nashville on Monday night at the Bridgestone Arena and she brought Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt on stage for some special attention. And by that, we mean, she handcuffed him, wrapped him in some pink feather thing and threw her legs over his head.

Feminine boys do not like when you ask about them crying over Lady Gaga

Opie from SiriusXM’s “Opie and Anthony” radio show is a master troll of the highest order. Between this and showing off Anthony Weiner’s genitals, the man knows the art. His harassment of a Lady Gaga lover crying over being touched by the woman herself is downright priceless, as is her sassy gay friend’s reaction.

Alex Morgan’s World Cup goal causes fat kid to go shirtless

As bummed as the American players and fans were about the result of the World Cup final, I’m sure this fat kid going topless after Alex Morgan’s goal will cheer them up.

Beavis and Butthead’s return preview shows they haven’t lost a step

Beavis and Butthead are primed to make their return to MTV this fall and at a panel at Comic-Con, five minutes of new footage was revealed. In it, Cornholio makes a return and the Jersey Shore kids get pretty well-mocked. It’s a worthwhile watch.

CM Punk interrupts Triple H’s speech at Comic-Con

Comic-Con in San Diego is universally respected as the mecca for nerds and, after comic book and sci-fi geeks had it all to themselves for so long, now it’s time for the wrestling nerds to get their shine. And at the show, fast-rising superstar and WWE Champion CM Punk — currently “not under contract” with WWE — interrupted the WWE panel led by Triple H. If you have any clue what I’m talking about, it’s worth the watch.

Couple’s bar make-out/dry-hump session interrupted by a boner grab

As you head into the weekend and attempt a hook-up at your local watering hole, keep in mind that there are cameras watching you make-out and dry hump. And, occasionally, a dude who’ll grab your erection for no particular reason. Awkward.

Girls dancing in diapers is a thing now?

Granted, this clip claims to be from Las Vegas where social conventions and logic no longer apply, but are these group of girls dancing in diapers a hot new trend? I really hope not.

Rebecca Black behind the scenes video is blissfully lacking in self-awareness

In my eyes, one of the major problems with making fun of people for a living and, specifically, pseudocelebrity is how entirely too self-aware everyone is. It kind of takes the joy out of it. Fortunately, young Rebecca Black of “Friday” fame is not so tuned in, making for this FANTASTIC behind the scenes video.

Britney Spears’ sexy “Femme Fatale” tour made its way to Nashville on Monday night at the Bridgestone Arena and she brought Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt on stage for some special attention. And by that, we mean, she handcuffed him, wrapped him in some pink feather thing and threw her ]]>

Britney Spears’ sexy “Femme Fatale” tour made its way to Nashville on Monday night at the Bridgestone Arena and she brought Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt on stage for some special attention. And by that, we mean, she handcuffed him, wrapped him in some pink feather thing and threw her legs over his head.

Hot!

From the looks of it, Britt seems to be enjoying himself.

Pic via The Tennesean

Say what you will about Britney Spears but I still find her rather attractive (you know, in a slutty, trashy kind of way). As for Britt, well, considering his latest brush with the law, it’s nice to see him get out and have some fun– and do so without the presence of the police.

He does look a tad too comfortable in those handcuffs right?

@Jimmy Traina [Twitter]

Pics: Titans WR Kenny Britt Handcuffed At Britney Spears Show [107.5 The River]