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Either way, any lovely ladies out there who have been pining for a man who’ll treat her right and “half a good tim,” you can find our OkCupid lothario here.

The Liquor Control Board of Ontario banned the spirit because they decided that vodka in a skull shaped bottle conveyed the wrong idea.  I’m not sure exactly what that idea may be.  The company’s website says the inspiration came from ancient cystal skulls that ”are thought to offer spiritual power and enlightenment to those who possess them, and as such stand not as symbols of death, but of life.” I’m not a huge fan of novelty bottles in the first place, but that doesn’t mean they should be outlawed. Thankfully, this article isn’t mean to share bad news.

In a victory for drinkers everywhere, the people of Ontario will now be allowed to purchase the spirit in a store near them. On October 13, Crystal Head Vodka will be officially launched in Toronto. The notorious ghostbuster himself, Dan Aykroyd, will be on hand for the release and will be signing bottles. Keeping with the glasses half full Canadian attitude, the reports seem to completely ignore the fact that the vodka was ever even banned. They discuss it as if it just hadn’t made it’s way to Ontario yet. If any of our Canadian readers happen to be in the area, don’t miss out on the opportunity to shake hands with Elwood Blues. I couldn’t go when they held a similar event in Chicago in 2009, and it has haunted me ever since. If only Dr. Ray Stantz could take care of that for me.

For a good laugh, listen to this news report from shortly after the ban took place. Apparently I’m not the only one who found it a bit absurd.

Even if you aren’t up in America’s hat, you should certainly celebrate a big win for one of everybody’s favorite comedians. Dan Aykroyd has done plenty to improve my life, it’s the least I can do to be happy for him. The name’s Zalinski. I make vodka for the Canadian working man because that’s what I am, and that’s who I care about.

Anyone know if Kalashnikov Vodka is available up there?

After securing his prize, the thief then took the doll and ran through the parking lot with it before leaping over a fence to get away. According to police, he was carrying the doll “like a football”.

The unidentified man has yet to be brought in by police and remains at large.

The doll had a retail value of $460.

Stealing a sex doll is undoubtedly a crime I’d never want to commit or, especially, get caught committing. But at the same time, that doll was $460. I mean you can’t justify spending that much on a sex doll. So how else would you know how amazing it is if you didn’t steal it? Maybe this guy just has all the answers.

If you’re buying a $460 sex doll, you probably need some help though. For that kind of money, you could get a hooker and a lifetime’s supply of ether. And a month’s supply of hamburgers. But I guess most guys stealing sex dolls aren’t exactly big picture thinkers.

Sex doll swiped from Calgary shop [Canoe.ca]

Good for that entitled drunk white dude. There’s no way to strike the fear of God in the working class stiffs at Mr. Sub better than by telling them you know their boss. Being able to list the manager of a Mr. Sub as one of your more powerful friends is definitely a sign that things are going your way in life. Watch out for this guy, he’s getting things done out there, so long as they involved people making slightly above minimum wage and/or the procuring of stale cookies.

Those damn Russians and their vodka I tell ya. After an improbable comeback in the World Juniors last night that saw the Russian hockey team score five third-period goals to defeat the Canadians, the booze started flowing. And it didn’t stop apparently, even when the players/coaches arrived to the airport for their flights.

About 30 members of the Russian contingent were asked to get off a Delta Air Lines flight to Atlanta after boarding for takeoff early Thursday morning, an airport spokesman said.
“To ensure the safe operation of the flight, the crew of Flight 1266 denied boarding to 30 passengers who were traveling together and displaying unruly behavior,” Delta spokeswoman Susan Chana Elliott said. “The passengers are being rebooked on a future flight.”

So let me get this straight. I get sodomized by TSA regularly while completely sober (felt up in all my special places I might add), but 30 drunk, belligerent Russians somehow waltz through security unimpeded?

Um, where’s Joseph McCarthy when you need him?

Unruly Russian hockey team kicked off NY flight [AP]

I just feel bad for the people who might run into the bison at a bar. Not only would that be horrifying, it’d be entirely too easy to mistake the bison for a regular girl from Edmonton. FACE!

Here’s a bison riding in a car [Filmdrunk]

According to CNN, an alert from the Canadian Border Services Agency said:

“Information was received from Air Canada Corporate Security regarding a possible imposter on a flight originating from Hong Kong. The passenger in question was observed at the beginning of the flight to be an elderly Caucasian male who appeared to have young looking hands. During the flight the subject attended the washroom and emerged an Asian looking male that appeared to be in his early 20s.”

Upon the plane’s arrival, the Asian man made a claim for refugee protection. The situation is still being examined and the CBSA is unwilling to provide additional details about why the man had the disguise or how he got on the flight, though the alert issued said that he boarded the plane with the boarding pass of another passenger.

There is no way on Earth this is a good thing. Fortunately it was only a pretty boy Asian and not a jihadist of some sort. I just hope this doesn’t lead to more stereotyping of elderly men. Now it’ll be young Muslims, Russian women, and old men who look like Carl from the movie “Up.”

Exclusive: Man in disguise boards international flight [CNN]

The men claimed that one of them won $9,400 and the other won $9,500. Border agents pulled them over and interrogated them separately.

When split up, both men individually fessed up with the passenger admitting he was carrying the driver’s winnings and the driver revealing that he won $40,000 — $20,000 of which was deposited at the casino — and split the rest with his friend to get under the $10,000 threshold.

The dumbest part: By lying, the men will now have their money seized until they appeal. However, if they had been honest about the amount they won, all they would have had to do was fill out a form and move on with all the cash.

Let that be a lesson to all of you out there: The next time you’re carrying tens of thousand dollars after a lucky day at a casino, make sure you be completely honest when crossing the Canadian border. Since this is a situation I assume everyone ends up in at some point in their lives.

Then again, maybe the driver just hated filling out forms. I always get confused filling out forms, so I can totally relate. That’s how I ended up getting my testicles removed instead of getting my oil changed at Jiffy Lube. There are just so many things to fill out, who could possibly keep track?

Birmingham man wins $20K at casino, loses it in Windsor tunnel seizure [Detroit Free Press]

Wait, so, this is an anti-Sam Katz ad, right? Because I would totally vote for him if he kicked everyone else’s kids in the face. Kids are dicks, often operating without consequence. But if my mayor were to kick them in the face? Well that’s change I can believe in. Child face-kicking change.

The best part is how that polite Canadian takes the guy down, lets him back up, then goes, “Hey, you learned your lesson, right? We cool, eh?” and moves on with his day. That’s efficient enforcement of societal laws. People deserve a second chance. That’s why if you ever live next to a sex offender and he comes over to inform you of his status, just give him your kid to babysit. He just needs someone to have faith in him. Only if your kid’s crappy though. That way, it has a “Scared Straight” component your kids will really appreciate.

The ploy begins when the crew finds someone who just withdrew money from a nearby ATM. They then follow him or her to their office building and secretly spray the person with a bottle of human feces while riding in the elevator. Then, one of the other members of the crew, also on the elevator, points out the feces on the clothing, leaving the victim shocked.

Another person in the crew will then help her clean off the feces while a third member pick-pockets the victim as she’s unaware due to all of the jostling involved in the clean-up process.

Say what you will about this group of criminals but any time your plan involves someone taking a dump and a criminal mastermind going, “Now let’s bottle that feces up and get to work,” you’ve got to be impressed. This is easily the greatest feces-related caper I’ve seen since a friend’s dog ate his own dung and vomited it all up on my friend’s new suit. I’m not sure what the dog was trying to accomplish, but that was probably the first step in an elaborate long con.

Toronto ATM users sprayed with feces, robbed [Toronto Sun]

The next month, Rogers sent an invoice for all the address’s global services, including Nagy’s cell phone activity. Nagy’s husband saw a bunch of hour-long phone calls to one phone number so, naturally curious, he called the number and the affair was confirmed to him. He then just left and Nagy’s assumption was that it was due to him finding out about her shenanigans.

Nagy told the Toronto Star that “nobody does business this way.” She says she made a mistake but she “didn’t deserve to lose her life over it.” Nagy also claims that she lost her job and suffered a lot of mental anguish over the situation.

Rogers claims that the situation isn’t their fault and that the marriage would have fallen apart with our without their aid.

So whose side are you on for this one? The adulterous woman who seems to have karmatically gotten what she deserved or the provider whose epic screw-up ruined her life? Seems to me that the only solution is that Rogers should force an employee to marry Nagy and provide her kids with a father as well as give her with all the lovin’ she insatiably needs. Perhaps they could include that as part of her Triple Play package.

Toronto woman sues Rogers after her affair is exposed [Toronto Star]

They may have screwed up the Opening Ceremony, they certainly didn’t “own the podium”, and overall this wasn’t the greatest Olympic games in recent memory but their ladies sure do know how to celebrate a Gold Medal.

After beating the United States yesterday in the Gold Medal game 2-0, the women of Team Canada came back out on the ice and celebrated their victory with beer, cigars, and overall debauchery.

It was like spring break on ice minus the wet t-shirt contests. And considering the size of some of these ladies, that was a certainly a blessing in disguise.

Mildred’s Temple Kitchen is inviting customers to have sex in its bathrooms.

The Valentine’s weekend promotion takes uncomfortable but electrifying sex from the close confines of an airplane and transfers it to the unisex stalls of the Hanna Ave. restaurant.

On its website, Mildred’s asks: “Have you given any thought to moving beyond the bedroom?

“Check out Mildred’s Sexy Bathrooms throughout the weekend of Big Love. You get the picture.”

I’m fairly sexual adventurous, as witnessed by the stains of various colors on many items of clothing I own. But I find this to be offensive. Not that there’s a problem with having sex in a bathroom because, come on, who hasn’t been there for pleasure and/or drugs. But bathroom sex isn’t meant to be a luxurious, pleasurable experience. It’s meant to be between two consenting adults in a dingy bar with a whole lot of discomfort for all involved parties and occasionally done for less than market value. But oh well. What do I know? I’m just a hopeless romantic, I guess.

[The Toronto Star]

I’m all for companies daring to be different in their advertising. But there’s a fine line between “creative” and “never making me want to have sex again” that Science World in Canada is broaching where their newest commercial featuring sexy grandmas and the science of vanilla.

Now that I think about it, this may be more clever than I realized. At first blush I thought, “How could this ad possibly make me want to learn more about science?” Then, on second thought, I wondered “Why is my penis suddenly inverting itself like a groundhog horrified at seeing its shadow after watching old women simulate oral sex on an ice cream cone?” Where would I go to find an answer like that? Science World in Canada, naturally. Touché, science.

[Adfreak]

Best part is around 0:32 in when he stops for a second, then checks his bag as if to say, “Wait…I didn’t forget my arson-related goods did I?” When you’re starting fires on buses that have (typically obvious) security cameras just hanging out, now’s not the time to start thinking about leaving clues behind like an episode of CSI. I don’t think anyone’s ever said, “Oh no, this is the most dastardly, well thought-out case of burning a crapty Canadian bus down I’ve ever seen. This man is a criminal mastermind!”

That’s all for me today, folks, have a magical and mystical Labor Day. Feel free to thank me for giving you an alternate idea on how to prepare your Labor Day barbecue.

Yeah boy, that’s what the Internet is all about to me. Exploding out of a laptop screen, getting a little biracial tail that looks at least a decade older than me then ditching her when the AdultFriendFinder premium account expires…this is what people dreamed of when they networked computers together, staring at a blinking cursor. That and midget porn.

While we’re talking about advertising, I have a question about something in ads that I’m not sure if it’s an exclusively American thing or what: Why is every man in every commercial bordering on inflicted with Down’s Syndrome? I get that we’re supposed to empower women and whatever, but does every form of media have to have the Smart and Sassy Gal somehow putting the Retarded Husband into his place, either by informing him or savings or making him look like a complete dolt in some other way? It’s discrimination, really. Imagine if I made a series of ads that were just men going, “Now now honey, you shouldn’t worry about the cell phone bill since we can switch to AT&T. Now go back to making me a sandwich; it’s what you’re good at!” Now imagine me swimming in boatloads of money because AT&T was dumb enough to let some a-hole like me make their ads for some reason. This is why you need your kids to have an imagination; to escape their soul-crushing realities.

[as seen on]

So far this summer, only Winnipeg and Whitehorse have been spared from the cold weather, enjoying warmer than usual temperatures. The rest of Canada has been left to grumble, [David Phillips, Environment Canada's senior climatologist] said.

“Canadians, to my sense, have given up on summer,” Phillips said. “They’ve said, ‘this is a bummer of a summer — this is two years in a row where we haven’t had summer. This is two bad winters, two tough summers, nothing’s fair ever anymore. The weather is like the economy, it sucks.’ These are the types of comments that I’m hearing.”

[via]

It’s a bit scuzzy to see world leaders acting like that, but at the same time it definitely humanizes them. Like what if the G8 Summit is all just one big elaborate scheme to get some time for the boys, maybe hit the strip clubs, get hammered and stoned, hit up the IHOP, scam on some bitches. Berlusconi gets all coked up and fs all the waitresses, Obama insists on watching Half-Baked but no one else goes along with it but he keeps insisting that they’re “missing the best part,” Sarkozy cries about how Carla Bruni yelled at him the other night, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper ends up tied to a flagpole after being sodomized and dressed like a clown. Just some good ol’ fashioned harmless fun (for everyone except Canada, because seriously Harper, you’re such a buzzkill).

[via]

Original version is on the left. Just in case you’re blind or incapable of seeing race

The smiling, ethnically diverse family featured on the cover of Toronto’s latest edition of its summer Fun Guide was digitally altered to make the photo more “inclusive,” which city officials say is in keeping with a policy to reflect diversity.

A spokesman for the department that publishes the guide listing recreation activities confirmed the publication was doctored to insert the face of a different father.

“He superimposed the African-Canadian person onto the family cluster in the original photo. It was two photographs and one head was superimposed over the original family photo,” said John Gosgnach, communications director for the social development division.

“The goal was to depict the diversity of Toronto and its residents.”

I’d say that goal has been successfully achieved. Assuming that Toronto wanted to showcase its large contingency of black guys with oversized heads creepily staring at Latina women. In which case, there’s really no disputing their presence. I am disheartened at how that contingency has opted to leave the Bronx, however.

[via, as seen on]