I feel kind of bad for the guy eating a bag of chips leisurely. He had nothing to do with the explosion but he looks like the bigger idiot for it. People with a love of salted snack foods deserve better treatment than that. They have rights, too. Rights covered in greasy fingerprints and a cloud of incompetence, but rights nonetheless.

Never change the oil in Michael Bay’s car [Boingboing]

So, if you’ve got an aging car, you’re paying at the pump. But if you’ve got a smartphone, you don’t have to: EcoSpeed can save you 30% on gas mileage.

How? Proper planning!

EcoSpeed uses two ideas. First, you run the app, and it tells you the optimum speed to maintain in order to save the most gas. If you’re prone to road rage, that might be hard to do, especially if you live in a city full of morons who can’t drive. Which is most cities, really; we really need to raise the standards for issuing a driver’s license as a nation.

Anyway, EcoSpeed also uses Google Maps to plan out a route that has the absolute minimum of stopping. Speeding up and slowing down burn way more gas than maintaining a steady speed, as you make more demands from the power plant. The route it picks might be longer, but you’ll stop less and thus, save fuel.

Yep, proper planning can keep your useless junker from completely draining your wallet. But it still won’t help you with the ladies.

Official Site [EcoSpeed]

The future has been viewed as utopian societies where everyone gets along but has zero personality, mysterious metropolitan areas with mindless drones in silver jumpsuits and Armageddon-ridden warzones with only the nuclear sunset to disturb its gritty color palette. But what about just a vision of a future where men have awesome toys with which to propel their manliness into the proverbial stratosphere? I’ve put together a list of kick-ass devices that any man of the future hopes to have at the ready any day and every day.

7 A Shaving Device That Works Instantaneously
Instead of Mach X to the tenth power (or whatever we’re up to by then) why not just a device you can place your face into that lasers off your facial hair based on pre-determined styles or clean shaven preference in one second flat? Then we would have time for the important shaving that takes a hell of a lot more time and precision (I am of course, talking about manscaping).

6 Condoms That Go On By Themselves, Don’t Break, Feel Like Nothing and are Free
Basically what I’m saying here is no one likes condoms and they are the devil disguised in rubber form.

5 Alarm Clocks That Simulate Sizzling Meat Smells to Wake You Up
Men like to live and die by meat, so why not an alarm clock that brings you to your senses with the best non-fellatio oriented sensation possible? I’m talking about bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, smoked BBQ brisket, buffalo wings, filet mignon and red wine-braised lamb shank scents permeating our olfactory senses with intent. I want this so bad, I can smell it.

4 Cars That Drive Themselves
I know that Google has one already, so hold your tongue Internet. What I’m looking forward to is when these take the place of regular cars. When perfected, it’ll mean traffic flowing smoothly, better gas mileage, and of course, the ability to sleep in DURING your commute to work.

3 Ocular Implants That Help Identify Fake Boobs
This’ll help guys who love fake girls to find them quick and guys who dislike them to turn and run. I’d have to imagine that there’s a market for this in Southern California.

2 Light Sabers
I shouldn’t even have to explain this. But, it can be used as a weapon as easily as it can be used as hedge clippers or a Carpaccio knife. You don’t have to be one with the force to wield an item you can buy at any home appliance store… in the future.

1 Alcohol with No Hangover
Sure you might black out, send pictures of your uvula to your entire office and eat your weight in bagel bites, but at least you’ll be fresh in the morning and ready to drink once again. Go you.

That’s been up for debate for a while, but the National Transportation Safety Board has decided it is: they’ve recommended to the states that anything that lets you take a call in your car should be banned.

So the Transportation Secretary is in total agreement, right? Of course not! This is government!

The NTSB and the Department of Transportation are two separate entities with different jobs, but they both advise on highway safety. Ray LaHood, head of the DOT, is campaigning against distracted driving, but doesn’t think hands-free sets are the problem.

So, are you going to have to give up your hands-free set? Not likely. No laws have actually been passed: these are all just “recommendations” that states can choose to act on or not. Considering states have bigger fish to fry right now, it seems unlikely you’ll have your hands-free set yanked. Nor will federal legislation be passed: if the DOT thinks it’s a bad idea, then the government won’t step in.

That’s all well and good, but is this thing actually going to kill you? Well, no more so than your GPS, or your radio, or that guy three spaces up who has left his blinker on for five freaking miles. Even without taking cellphone calls, there’s plenty in a car to distract you.

So, dial in safety: as long as you’ve got your hands on the wheel and your eyes on the road, you should be OK. Just don’t text, for God’s sake.

LaHood Won’t Back NTSB Recommendation [Detroit News]

Car theft is…well, actually, it’s not really that much of a problem lately. Car theft has hit its lowest level in forty years. But that doesn’t mean we can’t drive it even lower, which is why we have new anti-theft methods being pioneered every day.

Like a car seat that maps your ass.

This “innovation” uses 360 sensors to precisely detect your weight and where your lardy rear end puts the most pressure on the seat. This data is collected by a computer, and then that’s it. Your computer officially knows your buttprint and any attempt to start the car without the correct pressure signature will be absolutely futile. Which just means they’ll have to load it onto a flatbed to steal it.

As you may have guessed, there are some concerns over using your hinder to start your car, like the fact that Americans tend to gain or lose (let’s face it, mostly gain) weight. Then again, this is Japan we’re talking about. This didn’t get started for any practical reason. It got started because Japan, as a country, is very, very weird.

Anti-Theft Car Seat Identifies Driver [MobileMag]

And Nissan would like to sell you one before 2020.

This being Japan, the wackiness doesn’t stop there, either. First of all, it’s a three-seater: the driver sits in the center, while passengers sit in the back. It sounds weird, like everything else on this car, but the idea is to give the driver the maximum amount of visibility so as to avoid crashes.

Oh, also, it’s robotic. There’s a system Nissan calls “Automated Valet Parking”; you literally drive to the curb of a parking garage, get out, and tell the Pivo to go park itself. And it does, driving until it finds a parking space and tucking itself in. It even finds a charging station and plugs itself in for you. And instead of you wandering around a garage, you simply call it back to you with your smartphone. No word on whether it also brings you a stick to play fetch with when it comes back.

Oh, yeah, also, it’s an electrically powered vehicle. Nissan is understandably a bit bullish on these since it sold 20,000 of its Leaf EVs, 6,000 of those in, where else, California.

So, are these ever actually coming to America? Yeah, eventually. Nissan is apparently convinced, not unreasonably, that a car that has no gas costs and means you never, ever have to find a parking space at the mall again will sell pretty well, and is working on bringing it to market. Just don’t expect it next year: the Pivo 3 is still a concept right now.

Nissan Pivo 3 inches closer to production [Autoblog]

And, of course, there’s a custom pen in the back, too, if you need to write a note or something on actual paper. Because you really just can’t justify the purchase without a custom pen.

Here’s what we’re wondering: does this thing make it easy to sync up a game system, because that would be awesome. Also if this is really designed to do “work” or if it’s designed to keep kids amused, because it could go either way.

How much does this all cost? Bentley has a standing rule: if you have to ask, you can’t afford it, but we’re going to guess this will tack a good $10,000 or so to the price of your standard rapper-hauler.

Bently Executive Interior Concept [Cool Hunting]

Sound great? Ford’s making it better.

There are a lot of overhauls coming up: over 1000 of them, in fact. But here are, in our opinion, the best ones:

- Voice support for Sirius Game Finder: i.e., tell the car what sports game you’re missing, and it’ll find it for you via satellite radio. Although they didn’t bother to program in certain team names; it’s not like anybody needs to listen to the Clippers.

- A completely overhauled navigation system. Ford’s been collecting traffic pattern data for a year now, and it’s integrated that info to help you dodge rush hour problems and generally make your drive less frustrating.

- Speaking of which, instead of having to tell the GPS system what direction you’re going in, you just have to tell it the street, which is a substantial improvement over the old system.

- Asking for a song now just needs the title, no other information.

- Faster Bluetooth connection, and improved hands-free technology. The original system was good, but had some problems with echo and noise; Ford’s managed to clean up both.

And, of course, if you already have this, the upgrade is absolutely free. Not over-the-air, you’ll have to go to a dealership. But hey, they need to save some features for the next update.

MyFord Touch Upgrade Inbound [Engadget]

DSRC essentially means “smartphones and cars in the area all talking to each other and sharing information.” Say for example some idiot pedestrian (and you know who you are) just steps out into traffic, not even looking both ways. Your car and his smartphone will coordinate so that you’ll know he’s coming and hit the brakes, while hopefully giving him an electric shock to the testicles.

Even more impressive is the car-to-car communication. Say your car craps out in the right lane on the highway: it’ll automatically broadcast to other cars, up to a quarter mile away, that they want to get out of the right lane or hit the brakes. Think of it as very localized, highly intelligent, traffic radio.

If this sounds like a toy that’ll only be installed in new cars, well, yes, but no. GM is making sure the system can be installed in older models. What helps is Asian countries have been testing similar systems for a while, so we know all about implementation. The best part? The accident rate reduction: once this system is released and is in a critical mass of cars (and insurance discounts will guarantee it is pronto), accidents might drop as much as eighty-one percent.

At least until a hostile computer intelligence takes over and wipes out half the human race by crashing their cars, but, hey, until then, the roads will be a lot safer!

GM Shows Off Smart Collision Avoidance Technology [Wired]

Wow, what a magical gift! When you’re a teenager, there’s nothing more you want than a car. But one your mom calls “The Placenta”? Not so much.

Plus if you were birthed in there, who knows what other magical bodily fluids were dropped in there during its existence. It certainly wouldn’t shock me if dad let a map of Hawaii or two in there. Bottom line: I’d rather have a car like the one Fred Flintstone drove over “The Placenta”. Thoughtfulness of a gift doesn’t matter when you’re driving a 23-year-old car while sitting in your own amniotic fluid.

Girl Receives 1989 Toyota Corolla LE That She Was Born In for 16th Birthday [Brobible]

Not sure why; I love racing games, but I also totally suck at them. Arcade racers only work for me; I want to enjoy Gran Turismo, but it’s far too complicated to actually enjoy, imho. I appreciate the need for authenticity, but I also find it somewhat humorous (though ultimately annoying) that I paid $60 for a game that has so much content, but because I can’t get a fake driver’s license, I basically can’t touch any of it.

I’m also not a huge car person in general. In fact, one of the main reasons why I love living in NYC is because I don’t have to own one, and therefore deal with such an expensive hassle (though I’m not exactly the biggest fan of the MTA either). But ultimately, I guess I’m just jealous of the freedom that they provide, plus who doesn’t like rolling down a stretch of road at high speeds?

I also appreciate good trailers in general, and lord knows it’s been a while since anything game related has truly stuck out in recent years. Most aren’t horrible, but most aren’t very memorable either. Though having a Brit provide the narration automatically gives everything a sense of legitimacy and class, no matter what…

… The best a trailer can do is make you all of sudden give a rat’s ass about something that you may not have cared too much about previously.

I also now feel the urge to give Top Gear a spin at long last. Friends have been recommending it for ages, even those who are not into cars either. Might be good to get acclimated, to know what to expect when the game arrives (they were heavily involved in the production of the game and their presence is all over the final product).

Or you might not, and then you’ll end up as the subject of a blatantly about-to-go-viral YouTube video.

Here, the gentleman in question is just hanging around, minding his own business, trying to grab some photographs of speedy European cars doing the things that speedy European cars do.

Or, alternately, this guy’s a huge jerk and he’s just picked out the best spot to watch someone crash and then photograph it.

OR, maybe he slept with the driver’s wife, and the driver tried to extract revenge, only to end up in a crumpled heap on the side of the road with his nemesis photographing him.

DAMN YOU IRONY!

Rally Photographer Almost Gets Squished in the Name of Photography – [Gizmodo]

That’s a pretty terrifying thing to imagine. I’m amazed at how the woman was able to keep control. If I’m watching porn on my laptop and a loud pop-up comes on, I leap through the ceiling. I can only imagine what a 2×4 would do to that experience. Other than leave me with a funeral as awkward as David Carradine’s.

VIDEO: The Scariest POV Car Accident You’ll See Today [BroBible]

Horns on 2011 Jettas are actually causing the cars to turn off.

And, as such, VW has recalled almost 71,000 Jettas, per Chicago Breaking Biz.

Under certain rare circumstances using the horn could cause a short circuit that would, in turn, cause an electronic part called a converter box to disconnect from the car’s power supply, a VW spokeswoman said.

Sure, brakes that don’t work are bad, but you at least know when you get in a Toyota, there’s a good chance that you end up as a flaming ball of fire. With a Jetta, you expect great mileage, quality German engineering, and random thumbs-ups from hippies walking down the street.

Instead, if you get cut off by some jerkstore in an SUV (that was me, by the way), you’ll honk angrily and end up stalled out in the middle of the street, likely getting rear-ended or, even worse, pulling your car to the side of the road and walking five miles to get gas only to return to your car and realize that you’re not actually out of gas.

So, yes, it’s pretty much the most horrible thing ever, except for the fact that if you own a Jetta, you probably believe that horns should only be used in the event of an absolute emergency.

So perhaps this is actually a safety thing.

I’ve long adhered to the philosophy, “If it’s broke but ain’t completely broke, hire a bunch of Chinese dudes to break it vigorously,” so I’m completely on board with this guy’s reckless spending.

Either way, it’s good that even when a Chinese man is indulging himself in insane amounts of capitalism, at least he’s using communism to destroy his product. Smashed plexiglass and rising doors for all!

Lamborghini Gallardo Destroyed By Owner [Viral Viral Videos]

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

When done correctly, car accessories and decorations can add unique style and class to your vehicle. When done incorrectly, you get an ugly car that tells the world just how dumb the driver is. The seven stupidest ways to accessorize a car are listed below.

7 Flames
Contrary to popular belief, those flame decals on the side of your ’94 Dodge Neon are doing little to convince me that you’re currently accelerating beyond the sound barrier. Look, I get it – you think your car is hot. So hot in fact, that the 4-cylinder engine under the hood is en fuego. The symbolism does not escape me, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that flame decals are incredibly stupid. When it all comes down to it, the only type of car that should be covered in flames is the PT Cruiser. And by that I mean actually set on fire, because those things are ugly and need to put out of their misery.

6 Bullet Decals
Bullet decals are the red-headed stepchild of the flame decal. Like flames, they are supposed to indicate to the world that you are a badass. However, if you were really a badass, wouldn’t you be the one doing the shooting rather than the one getting shot at? Also, look at a bullet decal and you’ll realize that the “outwardly bending metal” of the sticker suggests that the gun shot came from inside the vehicle. And if you’re shooting up your own vehicle from the inside, then that’s not tough – it’s just plain stupid.

5 Too Many Bumper Stickers
So you listen to ska music? That’s cool – not really my thing, but that’s okay. Everyone can and should be passionate about something. However, when you feel the need to reduce your road visibility by covering your rear glass with Skankin’ Pickle stickers, you know you’ve got a problem.

Similarly, I know there’s a time and place to bring up such topics as politics, saving the planet and which radio station you think rulez with a Z, but sitting on the highway during morning rush hour isn’t it. I hate to break it to you, but no pun, no matter how clever, can get me to change my core values about eating meat or voting for Dukakis in ’88.

4 Underbody Neon Lights
Now here’s the perfect car accessory for the raver on the go. Bright neon lights are great when you want to entice people to “Eat at Joe’s” or check out some “Girls! Girls! Girls!” But when it comes to driving a car, there’s really no reason to direct anyone’s attention to that patch of ground that your vehicle is currently traveling over. As such, underbody neon lights are a sure sign that the driver has issues with needing to be the center of attention. That, or he’s overcompensating for something.

3 Stuffed Animals
Stuffed animal collections in cars are awful for many of the same reasons as bumper stickers. Not only is a row of cute, adorable stuffed teddy bears a potential safety hazard, but it’s also just plain creepy. Maybe it’s just me, but I find something unsettling about pulling up to a car in traffic only to be met by the hollow stares of an army of stuffed animals.

If you like stuffed animals, then great! Pile them up on your bed or in other places at home where they can remind you of rainbows and warm hugs and all that other good stuff. But when you’re out in the real world, keep those fuzzy feelings to yourself.

2 Big Wing Spoilers
Wings belong on three things: bird, airplanes and Victoria Secret models. As such, if you’ve tacked on an aftermarket wing spoiler to your beater car, then you’re either incredibly confused or incredibly dumb. Yes, spoilers, when designed correctly, improve aerodynamics and improve vehicle performance. However, in this case, bigger does not translate to better. There’s a thing called subtlety – look into it.

1 Trailer Hitch Testicles
Call me crazy, but there has to be a more tasteful way to tell the world that you’re brimming with testosterone than by hanging a pair of rubber testicles from your trailer hitch. When I see one of these plastic abominations swinging in the breeze at highway speed, I can’t help but wonder what type of person would think this was a good way to decorate their vehicle. Of course, we all know the answer to this question: douchebags. Douchebags are the only people who would do such a thing.

This would only be an acceptable deal if the people you impress with the car were also allowed to blow you inside of it. But I guess that’s what negotiation is for.

BMW Owner Will Park In Your Spot Free Of Charge [Gothamist]

Drivers have been stuck in their cars for nine days. Vendors on the highway are also bleeding the people stuck on the highway dry, charging up to four times the usual price for instant noodles.

China’s Global Times says:

Some people joke about the enduring congestion on the Beijing-Tibet Expressway, saying “concerts should be held at each congested area every weekend, to alleviate drivers’ homesickness.”

“We’ve already sent traffic policemen to work on the traffic congestion,” the unnamed official at the Beijing Traffic Management Bureau told the Global Times, adding that traffic police would stay to guide the traffic 24 hours a day until the problem is solved.”

In spite of all the efforts, police don’t expect the jam to clear up until construction is completed on September 13.

That sounds like about the worst thing ever, right? Being stuck in your car, borderline claustrophobic, eating mediocre overpriced noodles. The good news? Accidents must be down exponentially since there are now several tens of thousands of Asian drivers taken off the road. See? Always a bright side.

60-mile traffic jam on Chinese freeway enters its 9th day [USA Today]
Highway jam enters its 9th day, spans 100km [Global Times]

An officer from the California Highway Patrol called him when they found a similar truck and noticed there was a discrepancy in the VIN number when a couple tried to register it.

The couple was unaware the truck was stolen, having received it from a relative in Texas.

Police returned the truck to Voelker, who told the Associated Press that the truck was running well and seemed to be even more powerful than he remembered.

It’s definitely nice that this guy got his truck back (not so much for the couple who had no clue it was stolen and had it taken from them), and it’s also nice that the police actually cared enough to check to see if this was Voelker’s truck even though most people would stop caring 37 years and 11 months ago.

That said, I’d laugh pretty hard if he got the truck and it died on him the second it left his driveway. I have nothing against Mr. Voelker. I just think the irony would be too heavy to not root for that. I also wouldn’t mind it being a Transformer, turning into Optimus Prime, and then jizzing 50-year-old truck oil onto his house. Yeah, definitely that one. *fingers crossed*

Ford pickup stolen in LA recovered after 38 years [AJC.com]

And yes, it’s legit. You can see a full photo gallery here.

I’m torn as to whether this is cool or patently ridiculous. I’m thinking a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B. I think it’s a really touching thing to pay tribute to your loved one as you think they’d have wanted to be remembered. At the same time, it’s a dead guy in sunglasses perched atop a rice burner. So there are definitely trade-offs. But one thing we can all agree upon: It would be pretty weird if he just drove off and said, “Thanks for the bike! Later, suckers!” Because, man, he’s not supposed be speaking English like that.

Puerto Rican funeral home presents shooting victim on his motorcycle [w/video] [AutoBlog]
Dead Man Displayed on Motorcycle Rather than in Casket for Wake [Neatorama]