Yeah, that’s pretty creepy. I guess you can’t begrudge Momma and Poppa Cyrus since their one child is more successful than a billion other random teenage girls combined, but come on. Maybe it’s just a generational thing. I have a little cousin who’s turning 12 who’s been begging her parents for a Web cam since “all her friends have one.” Now I’m assuming she means other 12 year-olds and not the cool gentlemen on Myspace, but there is no way your child having a Web cam would lead to any good. It’d be more responsible parenting to sell her for a dowry of chickens and a cow that’s not even that capable of tending to my field. But that’s a pretty tough deal to come by, especially in this economy.

[via]

The reality show’s regularly scheduled episode will be pre-empted by a one-hour “special” Monday night, according to a TLC promotional spot released Thursday.

“Recently, we’ve made some life-changing decisions, decisions that will affect every member of our family, ones that we hope will bring each of us some peace,” Kate Gosselin says in the video promo.

As she speaks, these words cross the screen:

“A family in turmoil … A relationship at a crossroads … Where do they go from here?”

[via]

The best part is the whimsy with which he skips into smashing his face into the set. There’s a real Broadway quality to it, insomuch as he looked like a complete fairy while doing it. If nothing else, this is a stellar audition for him being Tinkerbell in the Broadway production of Peter Pan. Assuming Tinkerbell will be a drugged-looking balding older man with eyeliner. Which is probably how she’d look like in real life anyways. I mean have you seen midgets in real life? It’s not like they’re exactly setting the world on fire with their beauty. Unless you’ve got a thing for fingers that look like kielbasas in which case, well, your prostate is in for a treat.

I have nothing against Emanuel Lewis in spite of my rap album entitled “Webster’s Gonna Catch A Fat Beatin’.” I say more power to him if he’s actually pulling quality tail as a grown man who looks like a chubby 6th grader. But if you’re this girl, what the f? If I were a hot chick, an idea I often toy with, do you know how charming you’d have to be to overcome being 4 feet tall with the sex appeal of a kid who pissed his pants on Santa’s lap? You’d have to be pulling rabbits out of hats and making me laugh and cry and possibly understand the Israel/Palestine conflict through song. And even then I wouldn’t f you. Could you imagine the shame you’d feel if you fed Webster? It’s not even like he’s been famous in the past 20 years. I’d probably need to take a rape shower if I recognized him in public, let alone if he stuck his probably-disturbingly-large-because-God-loves-ironic-cock-size penis into me. I think a vat of sulfuric acid wouldn’t be a far cry.

[thanks Jason for the tip!]

She’s deploying her children as though they were slaves! But then acting like she just did it for an adorable TV bit. That’s SO CLEVER. In my apartment, I’m forced to lug around objects and pour my own beverages but meanwhile this woman who has no job just makes her little kids wait on her. Sure, right now it’s lugging gallons of juice, but soon it’ll be adorable trips to rake the leaves or cute adventures in soldering together a table. Oh and the very special vacation episode in which Kate goes to the Bahamas while the kids build and varnish a patio. Then again, based upon half the ethnicity of the children, White Devil Kate may just want a railroad built. It’s genius, I tell you. Genius!

Regarding the adultery though, who cares? Kate needs an, ahem, larger gentleman to fill her stretched out love cave. And Jon needs to get some side trim after Kate’s cooch has been ravaged like that tauntaun that Luke Skywalker slept inside in Star Wars. So hey, let them both roam.

Perhaps the most horrific image I’ve ever posted here, via

According to a press release from porn company KickAss Pictures, the company is offering $1 mil for the rights to the 47 year-old budding star’s hymen. Quotes from KickAss president Mark Kukilis:

“The logical extension of that statement is that she’s still a virgin. We have always wanted to produce a movie in which a bona fide virgin loses her maidenhood on camera. That’s a very personal, intimate moment in a woman’s life. Doing it in front of bright lights and cameras in a San Fernando Valley studio will make it that much more special.”

“We want real sexual chemistry. Since we have no way of knowing what Susan’s ‘type’ is, we’ll introduce her to a variety of gentlemen of different races, ages and um, ‘endowments.’ Personally, I think she and Ron Jeremy would be a perfect match.”

Yes, because they both look like beached orcas with Chia mustaches (though Susan’s seems to be falling upwards to the brow area). I get that this is the new thing porn companies want to do, but what’s keeping this woman from doing it? It’s not like she has anything else and, while her singing is lovely, she’s really just mediocre by professional singer standards. She also seems somewhat developmentally challenged (though that might just be a result of being Scottish). So you combine all these factors and the fact that, really, what man is going to find a 47 year-old who looks like this, recording deal or not, to be a catch? All of this results in the simple logic that, hey, why not take that deepdicking?

In related news, I’d rather have my head cut off and be forced to watch myself get raped by the al Qaeda basketball team (they’re a powerhouse within the terrorist intramural circuit) than sit down and watch this potential porn. I’d be more likely to get off by accidentally sitting on an upright wiffleball bat.

Wow. That is a messy f’ing scenario. I’ll tell you what though, nothing cleans up a hodgepodge of your blood and the tainted blood of a surly hooker better than the SHAMWOW. Perhaps this is all a really elaborate viral marketing ploy so you’ll think, “Oh crap, the hooker is dead. My wife can’t know and, since it’s typically a woman’s job to do the cleaning, how can I possibly clean this blood up before she finds out???” Then you’ll remember the teachings of the prophet Shlomi, snap your fingers and then nod and smile “ShamWow!”

Marketing types: You give me the product and a hooker to kill, and I’ll get you some sales!

[pic of the hooker's aftermath above, more on the story and pics here]

I love when “celebrities” no one gives a crap about claim they just want their privacy. You know how Raven Symone could get paparazzi to leave her alone? By being Raven Symone. Which is pretty much the same way she gets elliptical machines, gyms, and proper diet to leave her alone. I mean seriously you’re like in your early 20s and you’re still acting fairly regularly, can’t you do a f’ing sit-up so you look slightly less like an elephant seal?

Then again, I guess that explains why she wants paparazzi to stop photographing her. She’s in dozens of photos just because she can’t be avoided, like a flash or the horizon. You could probably take a Myspace photo of yourself in a mirror and part of her bacon-scented flab would find itself sauntering up behind you like when you shove Playdoh through a plastic shape.

It must have taken some real genius at PETA to determine that the best way to get people to ever pretend to care about their cause (listen, I love animals, but I’ll be damned if I stop eating delicious cows because I like scratching kitty cats behind their ears) is to get semifamous women to strip down and say fur sucks. Nobody had ever tried such a daring, outside-the-box idea before PETA.

I’m not kidding when I say that Khloe’s surprisingly flawless body could get me behind any number of causes. Honestly, Chairman Mao could have had Khloe’s ass on some memo saying I needed to start making metal on my farm instead of rice and food and I’d be like, “Fuck yeah dude, glory be to you, Chairman!” But you can’t eat metal. And no ass, no matter how fine, can change that. Tricky man, that Mao.

I will never understand the hatred people have for Heidi Montag. Yeah she’s a publicity whore and she’s not very talented and she hasn’t really done anything to deserve the modicum of fame she has, but I’d still leave some modi-cum on her huge breasts and dammit that has to count for something in this crazy work-a-day world.

It’s also pretty awesome how she’s done so much with so little. Covers of magazines, countless articles about her, fashion lines and CDs (forget that these failed…hard), it’s all really impressive. It just goes to prove my theory that if you’re a woman willing to get implants and make an ass of yourself publicly, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be famous. In fact, most women should probably just quit their office jobs and dreams of making a difference in the world and just learn to shake their asses for paparazzi and blow the editors of celebrity weekly magazines (or handsome bloggers with a penchant for posting news items solely because they have a girl in a bikini). All this rah rah feminism stuff is pretty tiring, isn’t it ladies? Food for thought (that you can’t eat lest you no longer be physically attractive and thus culturally irrelevant again).

Katie Price/Jordan/Tits McPlastic may be a completely worthless individual but she sure knows how to use her big breasts and willingness to be naked or half-naked to achieve all sorts of goals. And what more credible person is there for a lingerie line than a woman who whores out at least half nude almost every day of the week. It’s like having a Palin daughter selling Invisible Condoms (the preferred brand of that Levi Johnston kid. Also, Freddie Mercury).

Also it’s a half-naked woman so that’s cool. And you can go spelunking inside her cavernous vagina. It’s like a vacation everywhere you go!

I absolutely hate Tila Tequila. In fact, one time when I saw her while out with my girlfriend and two of her friends, I called her a “worthless C” from about 2 feet away which Tila and her fat friend heard (I’m not saying that I intended for them to hear, but still, it’s probably more badass that way). Anyway she’s done nothing worthwhile and here she is showing up to another worthless event. You could probably hold a party called “An Event in Which We Do a Forcible Clitoral Circumcision on Tila Tequila” and she’d still RSVP so long as Splash’s paparazzi were going to be there (the paparazzi have a known love of clitoral circumcision photo opps).

Anyway I hope she dies. No real punchline there, just me wishing death on some chick I don’t know.

The description of the video on YouTube encapsulates it pretty nicely:

Steven Seagal doesn’t run a lot. This is presumably because running everywhere would not be very in-keeping with his established lethargic style. Sure Seagal is a bad Mother-F, trifle with him and he’ll be on you like a flannel, but all credibility goes straight out the window when he is forced to apprehend a trifler (or bad guy). His involuntary circular hand action (when running) is beyond ridiculous. Where some people say he has a “style of his own”, I prefer to say “he runs like a mincing homosexual”. Hopefully this video reflects my point. GO SEAGAL!

That guy is right. The only way Steven Seagal could run with more of a gay lilt would be if he were bleeding from the anus with a guy named Big Jorge running behind him. He runs like he’s trying to limply swat away miniature flies perpetually circling his torso. Not very badass at all, Mr. Seagal.

That is a pretty impressive display of teenage whorishness. I also think that’s a real tattoo, which is classy because Ali is like 15 and she’s big breasted and probably f’ing guys with bangs named Skyler or Dylan so she’s pretty well-versed on being a classy lady. You typically only find gals as classy as Ali Lohan hanging out at Walmart or in the back room of a Meth lab (it’s casual in that room because it has couches).

I hate to say it, but she kind of has a man face in these photos. Hopefully that gets fixed with age and visitors to ol’ Dr. Makemepretty. He’s the top Native American plastic surgeon around.