Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon welcome twins
“…the baby girl was born first, weighing 5 lbs. 3 oz., and was 18 inches long; her brother was next, at 5 lbs. 6 oz., and was 19 inches.”

Justin Bieber gets egged while on stage in Sydney
“Eight eggs were thrown at the teen pop star while he was performing.”

Kristen Stewart wishes she could puke blood in birth scene
“…if you ask series star Kristen Stewart, the scene in which her character Bella Swan gives birth to Edward Cullen’s child could have been much bloodier.”

Mike Tyson’s tattoo artist sues to stop release of Hangover 2
“When Mr. Whitmill created the Original Tattoo, Mr Tyson agreed that Mr. Whitmill would own the artwork and thus, the copyright in the Original Tattoo.”

Sheen writes an open letter attacking Chuck Lorre
“They are planning on voting you off the AA island. Even those clowns have no room for you anymore.”

Lara Logan — attackers ‘raped me with their hands’
“I thought, not only am I going to die here, but it’s going to be just a torturous death that’s going to go on forever and ever and ever.”

Bon Jovi to tour without rehab-bound Richie Sambora
“Although he will be absent from upcoming shows for the time being, we very much look forward to his healthy return.”

January Jones is pregnant
“She’s really looking forward to this new chapter in her life as a single mom.”

Sarah Palin sued for $100k over alleged traffic conspiracy
“…according to Thoma’s suit, Palin’s actions have caused a ‘chilling’ effect on his ability to exercise his federal constitutional rights.”

Chace Crawford cuts deal in pot case
“…if he meets certain conditions in the next 12 months, the case will be dismissed and there will be no criminal record.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Brazilian actress Alice Braga in a sexy photo shoot for Vogue Brazil.

Remember two weeks ago when I suggested we strip Miss USA of her crown for taking Paris Hilton’s sloppy, infected seconds (i.e. Doug Reinhardt)? Well, we can add Miss World, Lane Lindell, to that list as well. Next up, Miss Universe!

Miley Cyrus performed on Britain’s Got Talent this week. Not news until you find out that she pulled a Madonna/Britney and kissed a woman on stage (link leads to video). I don’t mean a peck on the cheek either. We’re talking full-on liplock. I don’t know what road Miley is taking, but I will be the first one there to rubberneck when she crashes into a concrete abutment.

In our weekly Lindsay Lohan roundup, Lilo dropped some stunning news on us. She says she never used drugs. One second… BAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA!!1!!11!!! Okay, sorry… now then… she blames her assistant and her boyfriend for setting her up. Everyone is just out to get Lindsay these days… her dad, her assistant, her boyfriend, photographers, common sense, everyone. I guess I really shouldn’t doubt her claims though. Her mom and dad say she’s drug-free so that’s all the proof I know I need.

For those of you that follow Dancing With The Stars and/or the goings-on of intrepid sideline reporter Erin Andrews, rumor has it that EA and her dance partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy are still practicing their moves together. Apparently they “couldn’t keep their hands off each other” at dinner this week. They still refuse to confirm that they are an item though. Because people will believe anything.

Yet another Kardashian is knocked up, but at least this one is pretend married to someone. Khloe Kardashian, aka the big one, says she is pregnant with NBA player/husband Lamar Odom’s child. This is totally going to get their series renewed for another year. Way to go Khloe!!

The city of Gary, Indiana, the birthplace of Michael Jackson, is building a museum to the fallen pop icon. Did I mention it was going to cost $300 million? The entertainment complex is slated to include a hotel, housing, golf course, performing arts center and an elevated rail line to shuttle visitors. In other words, Neverland East.

Remember a week or so ago when we showed you some amazing photos of 50 Cent looking emaciated for a movie role he was doing? Well, either those were fakes or Fitty went on a burger binge since those photos were taken.

Tila Tequila will reveal her secret addiction to Ecstasy on Celebrity Rehab 4. There. Now you don’t have to watch. Please.

Spencer Pratt is broke. That’s all the space I am devoting to him here today. Feel free to insert your own jokes at your lesiure.

In “kill me now” news, the top baby names in 2009 were Bella and Jacob, as in the names of the Twilight characters. I am just going to hold my tongue on this revelation.

Speaking of Bella… you may have heard that Kristen Stewart compared being photographed by the paparazzi to rape this week. Genius, right? Well, for some reason that offended pretty much everyone, including the Rape and Incest National Network and the Men Can Stop Rape Organization. See, Megan Fox isn’t the only one who needs to stop talking. At least KStew apologized for her faux pas.

Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford got arrested for marijuana possession this week. Get this… he had one joint on him. CRIMINAL!!! Wanna see his mugshot?!

And finally, Rue McClanahan died at the age of 76. Sluts, real and imagined, are saddened the world over.

So there you have it. Beyonce is solely responsible for the downfall of masculinity in society. And here we all thought it was skinny jeans and Chace Crawford. Nope, all Beyonce.

I just hope this baby gets himself back on track soon. If I were his parents, I’d have pulled over the car and immediately made him smoke a cigar and kill a deer with his bare hands. No boy of mine is going to be getting female empowerment from a former Destiny’s Child member. If you need to feel like a strong woman, stick to Aretha Franklin. At least if you squint your eyes, she sort of looks like an ex NFL lineman.