[VIDEOS: 5 tips for a good meltdown]

None of those however included a coach calling their players obese bovines. Listen as this Houston high school coach goes off on her cheerleaders calling them, “highfalutin heifers.”

Although I can’t say I’m all that familiar with cheerleading coach rants, this has to rank among the best. Not surprisingly, the young woman was relieved of her duties. Hopefully, her second job as a motivational speaker pays enough for her mortgage.

Cheerleader says coach called them ‘heifers’ [Click2 Houston]

You know, put this girl on the moon and I bet she has some sweet hops. For now, however, she’ll have to deal with 9.81 m/s^2, a measurement that will keep her feet firmly on the ground for quite some time.

Unfortunately, there’s no backstory to this scene nor is there a medical update on the girl who got walloped in the face. We’ll just assume her days as a cheerleader ended with what I can only assume is a Grade III concussion.

..it was like something from a movie, you come into the locker room and they’re lined up stretching. I was like, ‘What’s going on here?’ It’s like something from ‘The Longest Yard.’ They’re in here stretching. We’re trying to get warmed up. I think that’s a good rule to have.”

Now the shoe is on the other foot. Watch as Texans running back Arian Foster uses his caboose to “distract” these two Ravens cheerleaders.

Unfortunately, Foster’s distraction was just a little too late as the Ravens had all but sealed the game. But hey, it was worth a try.

The Ravens cheerleaders are big fans of Arian Foster booty [Mocksession]

A part of me felt really bad for this poor gal. The other part of me wondered why on earth she ever uploaded this to the internet.

Stupid girl. You get no sympathies from me.

Thanks to Guyism reader Paul for the user-submitted video

Apparently, this isn’t the first time Sparty has sexually harassed cheerleaders and members of the dance team. There’s a history of horrible physical and emotional abuse from the mascot.

Oh, whoops, mixed Sparty up with the Penn State Nittany Lion.

I’m joking, that’s just a joke, we like to have fun around here.

Instead of having their boys play their hearts out with no vocal support, a group of moms sprang to action.

Dressed in mom jeans that show off their FUPA (thank you Jessica Simpson), these ladies have cheered on the Saints throughout the entire playoffs and now the team is only win one away from the state championships.

I don’t know about you guys but I’m getting all hot and bothered.

I imagine this might make for some interesting taunts from opposing players.

“Hey #84, your mom did the whip cream bikini for me last night.”

Thank you Ali Larter for saving us all from the mental images of naked middle-aged mothers.

But this clip below, well, let me just say I applaud you. Kanye West’s “All Falls Down” to these LSU cheerleaders wiping out during Saturday’s ‘Game of the Century’ is just classic.

It appears as though the cheerleaders and the Tigers mascot recovered from the trampling which is more than I can say for this Alabama couple, who seem to have taken the loss rather harshly.

I have no idea whether Atlanta is a hot spot for beautiful people. Having watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta a handful of times (come on, who wasn’t ‘Tardy for the Party’), I suspected that woman were, in general, plastic Barbie bitches similar to Kim Zolciak.

So the fact that three NFL cheerleaders made a list of ‘Most Beautiful Atlantans’ doesn’t really shock me. Although, admittedly, using a bad reality show to generalize an entire city is poor form on my part. But, whatever, hooray for cheerleaders!

The three lovely ladies are pictured below.

3 Cheerleaders picked as ‘Most Beautiful Atlantans’ [AJC]

Happy Halloween to all the Guyism readers out there. As a token of gratitude for your continued dedication to the site, here are NFL cheerleaders in Halloween costumes from Week 8 of the NFL season.

Inevitably, during your busy work week, there are videos you probably missed on Guyism. But don’t fret, we’ve compiled some of the best in one post for you.

Wild haymakers thrown during Lingerie Football League game

Who knew the Tampa Bay Breeze and Cleveland Crush were such heated Lingerie Football League rivals. During last week’s game between the two squads, this nasty fight broke out between Tampa Bay’s Julie Rolfe and Cleveland’s Tamar Fennell.

A military dad reads a bedtime story to his daughter via prerecorded video

Technology does a lot to make our lives easier; for example, I was just able to mindlessly browse hundreds of amateur photos of Bibi Jones thanks to the wonders of Twitter. But it’s also good for useful things, like this video of a military dad reading to his daughter via a prerecorded video.

Dallas Cowboys cheerleader audition blooper

Brittany from San Juan, Texas is a lovely gal but she needs to brush up on her politics.

Anchor caught during an inappropriate touch following sexy news story

Why this news station was running a story with b-roll from a strip club, I’ll never know. But I bet this anchor wish the camera had cut to him one second later after getting caught seemingly inappropriately touching himself following this sexy story.

Patrick Swazye’s ‘Pabst Blue Ribbon’ commercial

In an effort to get sales going the right way again, they did what any good company does. They brought in a mega-celebrity to sell their product, and that man was Patrick Swayze. The problem is, no one knew who Dalton/Bodhi was at that point. I don’t want to say this was his first acting appearance, because I would be making that up entirely, but he had yet to star in any movies. Thankfully he went on to become ridiculously awesome so we can cherish this long lost commercial.

Flyers 9-8 loss leads to a lot of butt crack and a man being thrown in a trashcan

The hometown fans were noticeably upset after losing to a Jets team that had yet to win a road game this season. Naturally, that led to this hilarious scuffle in the Philadelphia subway that may or may not include a lot of buttcrack and a man being thrown in a trashcan.

Finally, a supercut of all of your favorite TV shows talking about genitals

In this clip from our friends over at Vulture, you’ll get to see many of our favorite TV actors saying the words “penis” and “vagina” over and over again. Many with great enthusiasm.

Melanie Iglesias’ Halloween-themed flip book is scary hot

For those unfamiliar, Melanie Iglesias was Maxim’s 2010 Hometown Hotties winner, and in the past few months she has a few “flip book” videos. They’re very good. This is her third effort and it features her in Halloween costumes.

Benjy of ‘Howard Stern’ fame wrecks a CNN live shot

‘Howard Stern’ producer Benjy Brock made headlines earlier this year for his hilarious ruination of former NY state rep Anthony Weiner’s press conferences. And now, he’s interrupting a live CNN report about Steve Jobs for..some reason.

Michigan State beats Wisconsin on Hail Mary

For the second straight year, Michigan State provided a last-second win for the ages. Last year, it was “Little Giants”, a fake field goal against Notre Dame in overtime.

Saturday night, it was this Hail Mary touchdown (nicknamed “Rocket”) with no time remaining to defeat #6 Wisconsin 37-31.

That BS aside, last night’s episode featured an interview process where candidates were asked questions from a panel of judges including the director of Cowboys cheerleading, Kelli McGonagill Finglass. Now, in fairness to these ladies, some of the questions asked aren’t related to cheerleading or football. Because of the amount of public relations the squad does with the military, they’re expected to know simple, straightforward things like, “who’s the President, where does he live,” and so on and so forth. Not much different than the kinds of questions asked to immigrants on a citizens test.

Which brings us to Brittany from San Juan, Texas. A lovely gal, who, in this interview seems to have serious problems recalling political parties in the United States.

Brittany definitely deserves some criticism here but Meghan thinking Roger Goodell is ‘Commander in Chief’ is both hilarious and frightening at the same time. I’m guessing she thought his overseeing of players’ off-season activities
was uh, ‘militant’. Not that far from the truth actually.

Watch as this shirtless man runs around the field, high fives a few players and makes some sweet juke moves on security before finally getting tackled during the Bears-Bucs game yesterday.

For what it’s worth, this YouTube uploader, RicoMontana2010, has some other videos you might enjoy from NFL games at Wembley. Of particular interest is this one where he creepily focuses in on a cheerleader gyrating her hips and shaking her booty.

How many old dudes at Kuykendall’s senior home just called their doctor for a prescription of Viagra? She’s about to be a very popular lady over there.

Sure, Oakland, Philly, Houston, and Tampa all have great cheerleading squads, but let us not forget the ladies of The Big Easy. They’ve got skills too.

Here’s Barber embarrassing himself while trying to complete a backflip.

Thankfully for Barber, he was not alone in his quest to become dumb athlete of the weekend. Watch this clip of a HS cheerleader attempting to do a back handspring.

As Forrest Gump once said, “stupid is as stupid does”.

Here’s video of the incident.

Thankfully, Simone Gray is ok. She told a local TV station that she didn’t remember much about the collision.

“I just remember getting hit and being on the floor, I heard my name being called, but I wasn’t paying attention,” she said. “Then he just came and swept me off my feet. I really couldn’t describe it. I don’t know what happened. All I remember was getting ice. …”

She added that the boy who laid her out hasn’t even apologized yet. What an a-hole.

When the All-Star cheerleaders of Christchurch, New Zealand were called to perform at a hockey game, they jumped at the chance. After a $500 donation, the squad, comprised of mostly 15 and 16-year olds, and one 9-year old, made their way to Canterbury Arena. Their coach, however, was unable to accompany them.

–

Unfortunately, a problem occurred when the introductions were made. You see, the donator was the owner of Calendar Girls strip club in Christchurch and was trying to get cheap publicity for her establishment. She assumed when she told coach Claire Stackhouse to send “older girls” to the event, she would oblige the request. So imagine the horror of the audience when an adorable nine-year old girl with her pom-poms was introduced as a strip club cheerleader. Where’s that damn Chris Hansen when you need him?

Strip club owner Jacqui Le Prou said she sponsored the event and asked Stackhouse to provide a squad of older girls.

“They were announced as All Star Cheerleaders brought to you by Calendar Girls,” she said.

“The whole reason we didn’t want young girls is because [the cheerleaders] were being brought to you by Calendar Girls and we didn’t want there to be a problem.”

Le Prou said Stackhouse sent a group of young girls, including one nine-year-old.

No word on whether Ms. Stackhouse is still employed by All-Star cheerleaders. I’m going to go ahead and say her days are probably numbered after this foul-up.

Young cheerleaders’ link to strip club causes upset [Stuff]

NBA.com has done their due diligence and removed all pictures of current players from their homepage (retired Hall of Famers John Stockton and Oscar Robertson are displayed prominently today). Most NBA team websites however, have opted to go the cheerleader route, updating fans with pictures and videos of tryouts, auditions, and whatever fun in the sun activity the lovely ladies have going on this summer. So if you’re a fan of obvious tactics aimed at heterosexual males age 14 and above, this should put a smile on your face. If you’re not, well, sorry–stay off NBA.com for a couple of months.

(Here’s a brief glimpse at the front page of 16 team websites)

Inevitably, during your busy work week, there are videos you probably missed on Guyism. But don’t fret, we’ve compiled some of the best in one post for you, including part 2 of our Kate Upton series.

A Date with Kate Upton – Part 2 (a Guyism Original)

In Part 2, we find out that, through the hard work of our Guyism team, Ryan was granted access to the beautiful Ms. Upton. And here’s what went down…it’s Ryan’s date with Kate Upton.

Rampage Jackson really likes female reporter’s breasts

Rampage Jackson has a history of being somewhat inappropriate during interviews. You know, like the two separate incidents where he embarrassingly dry humped female reporters.

Well, Jackson was at it again Saturday night as he motorboated Karyn Bryant of MMAHeat.

Houston reporter Pattie Shieh curses live on air, has no clue

When you’re a reporter doing a live shot during a telecast, keep one thing in mind: Counting backwards and pretending it’s a pre-tape doesn’t some how reverse the hands of time. Reporter Pattie Shieh of Fox 26 in Houston can file that one under “lessons learned”.

Teen boy mocks girls’ hurdle skills like a color commentator

Who hasn’t dreamed of gearing up a teleprompter for some Madden-esque breakdown of something captured on video? Well one kid did just that in this YouTube video of teen girls’ hurdle fails and the seriousness with which he tackles the subject is downright amusing.

Guyism talks with Nick Offerman, aka Ron Swanson

One of the hottest shows on the planet right now is Parks and Recreation. And while that’s because it’s funny as hell, it’s also because of Nick Offerman, who plays current cult figure Ron Swanson.

Reporter dons HS cheerleader outfit to illustrate how short they really are

News 10, an ABC affiliate in Sacramento, had “leggy” reporter Natalie Sentz don a short high school cheerleader outfit during a broadcast to show how short they really were.

Angry old man demands beer from foul ball enthusiast

There’s been a lot of chatter lately about people going above and beyond the normal realm of fandom to grab a foul ball. Here’s a clip from a Yankees-A’s game earlier this week where a guy bowls over an old man and subsequently spilling his beer.

Old man invades interview with insightful comments

Sorry, did that headline say insightful? I meant idiotic. I always get those two adjectives confused.

Tonje Langeteig is the Norwegian Rebecca Black

I consider it one of my duties to not only bring you things that are entertaining and interesting but also things that may make you want to smash your monitor in half. Tonje Langeteig’s “I Don’t Want to Be a Crappy Housewife” will fall under the latter category but you HAVE TO WATCH IT. YOU HAVE TO.

Mexican singer Jenni Rivera brings girl on stage for revenge

When you’re performing on stage, I could imagine it might be somewhat annoying when a girl in the crowd throws a beer can at you. Whereas some singers might ignore it, Mexican-American banda singer Jenni Rivera did not, insisting security bring the girl to her so she could, well, embarrass her in front of everyone.