Guyism » China

In China, their meter maids look like Lara Croft

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 25 May 2012 19:50:04 +0000

Aside from making pretty much everything we use and wear, the Chinese also have a bold means of telling off parking violators: by dressing up as the star of the Tomb Raider, Lara Croft.

The above, courtesy of Kotaku, is an example of what bored college students do for fun over there, apparently: they don Lara Croft garb and shoot illegally parked drivers with guns that contain suction cup bullets as ammo, handing out warnings. Why? Why not?

Kevin Spacey in a Chinese superhero movie

K. Thor Jensen — Thu, 03 May 2012 21:15:03 +0000

You already know that China owns all of our money, right? Now they’re getting our movie stars. A few years ago, director Dayyan Eng announced that he’d secured Kevin Spacey to star in Inseparable. The Screen Actors Guild strike of 2008 opened holes in a lot of stars’ schedules, and they needed to make paper. Spacey’s signing for the movie made him the first American star to take the lead in an entirely Chinese-funded movie. Eng’s first film, Waiting Alone, received raves in China and America, but when he came to Hollywood to pursue projects all he was offered were romantic comedies and horror movies.

It’s kind of ironic that a director had to return to China to get more creative freedom, but this is the wacky world we live in today. Inseparable is about a young Chinese man who befriends a mysterious expat and finds that he’s got some very weird secrets.

Stupid people lining up to ride ‘Titanic II’

K. Thor Jensen — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 19:03:40 +0000

Hey, remember that famous boat that sank and killed a bunch of people? Let’s build an exact copy of it and sail it across the Atlantic. What could happen?

In the “bad ideas” department, we bring you “Titanic II.” No, not the hilarious fake sequel to the James Cameron movie, but rather the hilarious real sequel to the sunken boat. The Boston Herald is reporting that Australian billionaire Clive Palmer is creating a “high-tech replica” of the Titanic at a Chinese shipyard and is planning its maiden voyage for 2016.

The ship’s first crossing will replicate the original Titanic’s route from New York to London, but global warming has melted all of those pesky icebergs so thousands of people probably won’t die. I dunno, to me this just seems like tempting fate in the absolute worst way. I wouldn’t get on a blimp called the Hindenberg II and I probably won’t take a job in the new World Trade Center. You have to listen to the universe when it talks to you about this stuff.

The Guyism Speed Round for 4/23

Chris Spags — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 16:50:03 +0000

In today’s Guyism Speed Round, Katie Nolan discusses a Chinese company’s poor choice of name, a Texas business where you can smash things with a baseball bat, and more.

Subscribe on YouTube (you only need a Google account) to see the day’s hidden video.

The Weekend Guyism Speed Round

Chris Spags — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 16:00:46 +0000

In today’s Guyism Speed Round, Katie Nolan discusses a study that proves men are smarter when they’re drunk, China censoring out Kate Winslet’s rack in the new Titanic, and more.

Subscribe on YouTube (you only need a Google account) to see the day’s hidden video.

China censors Kate Winslet’s breasts in ‘Titanic 3D’

K. Thor Jensen — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 16:35:41 +0000

If you needed another reason to feel bad for the people of China, here’s one: no Kate Winslet boobage for them. Titanic 3D is a worldwide phenomenon, with audiences everywhere recapturing the romance and magic of James Cameron’s disaster movie. But in the People’s Republic of China, two of the film’s natural wonders are being denied to viewers. Yes, the scene where Kate Winslet doffs her duds to get sketched by Leonardo DiCaprio has been butchered beyond belief, cropped to only show the actress from the neck up.

Why would you do this? Well, if you believe the Chinese film authorities, it’s a safety issue. Here’s an amazing quote from China’s State Administration of Radio, Film and Television:

“Considering the vivid 3D effects, we fear that viewers may reach out their hands for a touch and thus interrupt other people’s viewing.

“To avoid potential conflicts between viewers and out of consideration of building a harmonious ethical social environment, we’ve decided to cut off the nudity scenes.”

Are breasts really that big a deal over there? This is like the early days of movies where people had a heart attack when they saw a moving train. Lord knows what would happen if you showed them the bush scene from Revenge Of The Nerds.

VIDEO: Capcom announces ‘Resident Evil 6′

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 15:30:21 +0000

The publisher has yet another zombie extermination escapade on the way. Big shocker, huh?

So a little over a week ago, the site NoHopeLeft popped up, and began spreading like wild fire. Pretty much everyone knew that it’s goofy “WE’RE DOOMED!!!” shtick was just a marketing stunt; the real question was for who.

But once certain connections were made, like how the logo had a resemblance to the biohazard logo, which is the Japanese name for Resident Evil, and how videos starring a terror stricken Chinese woman began popping up, given that a Chinese voice actress had put “Resident Evil 6″ on her resume online not too long ago, everyone began to have an idea as to what was being pimped.

Eventually the imagery presented listed a date, which was yesterday, and thus the rabbit was finally let out of the hat…

So this is what we know thus far, based upon the trailer alone:

- The President’s a zombie? Cool.
- So the game stars Leon Kennedy and Chris Redfield, together at long last. That’s also neat.
- But no Claire Redfield? What a crock. At the very least, Jill Valentine had better make some kind of appearance.
- There’s also a new, third playable character, who has a girlfriend. But more importantly, it looks like his blood is the key to stopping whatever the hell is going on.
- Game looks a lot like 4 and 5, which is a very good thing! I loved those games. Yes, even 5, which lots of folks hated for some reason.
- And yup, it does take place in China, or a significant portion at least. Can’t wait for them to sneak in references about Foxconn, and the ensuing protests.

VIDEO: For those who enjoy ‘Mario Kart’, iPhones, and shameless Chinese copycats

Matt Hawkins — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 11:00:28 +0000

Games that blatantly rip off Nintendo’s IP in the Apple App Store are somewhat dime a dozen, but Mole Kart is in a class of its own.

The following has been making the rounds like crazy, for perhaps obvious reasons. Not only is it a brazen Chinese clone of Mario Kart, but it looks like a really damn good one as well (at least for its kind, imho)…

Everyone is up in arms, but you know how Nintendo fans tend to be. Again, I’m grading on a curve here; whereas most Super Mario rip offs are functionally retarded, this one looks pretty competent. Sure the handling looks super loose, but name me an iOS racer that doesn’t have the same problem. I actually tried purchasing a copy, but couldn’t find it in the App Store, so either it’s already been yanked or is simply only available in China.

Moving on, another notable clone that I didn’t get the chance to pass along the first time, and which I had totally forgotten about, until Kotaku brought it up again, is China’s take on Team Fortress 2…

Again, looks really good! Well, the cinematics at least. Though both of those efforts pale in comparison to the eeDoo iSec, which resembles the PS3, but mostly apes the Xbox 360′s Kinect and its games. Like the following, which is damn near indistinguishable from the official offerings from MS. Any diehard Kinect fans that would like to refute are more than welcome to…

Still, nothing beats the king of Chinese game consoles, the Super Megason…

Yet another gamer dork spent way too much money on something that doesn’t even exist

Matt Hawkins — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 19:30:17 +0000

Stories of someone buying a virtual item in a MMO with cold hard cash, and lots of it, is somewhat dime a dozen. But this one is a bit different.

Via Destructoid: first off, some guy in China spent $16,000 (yes, that’s the numbers one and six, followed by three zeroes) on a virtual sword, for an MMO called Age of Wulin. So right off the back, pretty nuts. But it gets better…

You see, the game isn’t even out yet. Basically, the makers of the game, Snail Games, held a pre-release auction that was featured all sorts of game enhancing goodies. So basically, they’re giving keys to cheaters right on day one. Wonderful marketing! I’m sure the game will do super well. Actually, it probably will.

Other items include some hook that went for $1,600 and a spear that fetched $2,500. Man, I sorta want to play this game just so I can steal these idiot’s loots. And I’m pretty sure others feel the same way! I take back what I said about piss poor promotions on the part of Snail Games.

Well in other MMO news, and in Korea, another new game is set to launch soon called Queen’s Blade. Via Siliconera…

For those that follow anime (and I’m sure a decent number of folks out there reading this, also downloading To Aru Majutsu no Index in the background) should recognize the name as that one show starring nothing a band of exclusively female warriors that lose almost every article of clothing when simply unsheathing a sword.

Which sounds awesome if you’re into such things, but is so bad that even the most pathetic of animu dorks feels ashamed for knowing that it exists. Well, so here we have the official game. The quandary that comes up in every MMO, i.e. is that virtual hottie being controlled by an actual woman or not, will not be an issue here. I’m willing to bet NO women will be touching this one.

China has a new GPS system set up, but don’t worry, it probably stinks

Dan Seitz — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 18:30:42 +0000

As you may be aware, GPS is actually owned and run by the United States Military, and when the Chinese want to blow up somebody they don’t like, they’d rather not have the U.S. Army shutting off their location beacons. So they invented Beidou, which is basically their version of GPS only, likely, crappy.

For all the bellyaching about how dangerous China is this will inevitably produce, here’s why we’re not too concerned about it, and also why when Beidou receivers start hitting the US that you shouldn’t buy one: it was made by the Chinese.

For all the paranoia about China, one thing that has been overlooked is that the reason they turn out so many knockoffs and reverse engineer everything is that, as a society, they’re pretty terrible about actually coming up with and executing their own ideas.

The Chinese educational system does not exactly encourage creativity and following your dreams, and the net result are “engineers” who might, might, be able to compete with your auto mechanic in terms of technical knowledge. Their engineering is so terrible, a bunch of electronics engineers on a nuclear sub caused a massive and dangerous radiation leak, despite the fact they shouldn’t have even been handling anything radioactive. We’re not talking about world-shaking geniuses here.

Similarly, we don’t have great information about the actual quality of Beidou. Shockingly, the state-run media claim it’s absolutely awesome and way, way better than GPS…and since it’s only used in China right now, reports on how it actually works are thin on the ground.

It is true that a military needs a satnav system to be more effective at fighting. And Beidou is taken seriously by the U.S. military. But don’t worry: the satellites will probably all be falling out of the sky in about five years.

China GPS Rival Starts Offering Navigation Data [BBC]

VIDEO: Chinese security denies Christian Bale, punches his camera crew

Chris Spags — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 21:30:36 +0000

Christian Bale made headlines recently for being one of the first American stars to make the move over to China’s growing film industry with movie The Flowers of War. But when he tried to go visit detained human rights activist Chen Ghuangcheng with a CNN camera crew, Chinese security guards were not so thrilled to see him.

Poor Christian Bale. All he wants to do is hang out with some guy under house arrest and he can’t do that? Don’t they know he’s from Hollywood? Show some respect.

Either way, if I’m one of these Chinese guards and I hear an incoherent unnecessarily guttural voice having trouble breathing through a latex mask, I’m definitely shitting myself.

Christian Bale And China Are Fucking Done, Professionally [Dlisted]

Hey, you’ve got a PlayStation… 360?

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 16:05:23 +0000

Why get the real thing at full price, when you get something far cheap and more unique? Plus does one need anything other than GBA games? Finally, thank you China!

Behold the “Arcade Box”. What a generic name for such a magical creation, which dares to merge the Xbox 360 and PS3…

About 54 games are built in, though it also supports GBA, Neo Geo, and even CPS1 plus CPS2 games (that’s the hardware that Capcom used to run their arcade offerings in the early 90s, including stuff like the original Street Fighter) via SD card. And just for $69.60 American, what a steal! Made in China of course; granted, everything’s made over there, but this really screams “dude, I’m MADE IN CHINA!!!” if you catch my drift. Nab yours here!

Meanwhile, guess what’s the hottest thing over in India of all places? Also according to Kotaku, this unholy union of the Xbox 360 and PlayStation Vita…

The reason is rather simple: the real deals are super expensive, whereas knock-offs are dirt-cheap, and in nations where money is scare, what are gamers there to do? Even though HD gaming is king in North America, Japan, and most of Europe, other parts of the world are still sticking to older platforms. Brazil, for example, still enjoy the Genesis so much that there’s actually been new games produced for the platform as recently as a year or two ago!

Back to the place where one can pick up a Arcade Box, be sure to check out their wide assortment of similar knock-offs! Though the one actually work checking out is the Dingoo. It’s a stupid name, and kinda pricey at 90+ bucks, but it’s actually worth it…

A buddy of mine actually has one and it can do tons of stuff; in addition to supporting GBA games (which still kick ass today, even in the post DS and especially iPhone world, sorry) and Neo Geo as well, it can also play old SNES games, plus Genesis, and old school NES naturally. All quite well, though you need to update the firmware or find some unofficial variants to get everything working 100%. Unfortunately, you sorta need to know what you’re doing, but if you don’t mind checking out some of the darker corners of the internet, you’d be surprised by the pay-off. It also having the form factor of the Game Boy Micro is a bonus in my book. Definitely worth checking out!

This “Console” is The Bastard Son of an Xbox 360 and a PS3 [Kotaku]

In China, doing the crime means serving the time… as a MMO gold farmer

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 21:57:10 +0000

It’s almost as wacky as the tampons with maggots in them. Okay, it’s not that wacky, but fairly close. And unfortunately, it sometimes means that no crime was ever done to begin with…

In America, when prisoners have nothing better to do, you put them to good use. Either making license plates or being customer services representatives for Delta. Meanwhile in China, they force prisoners to be gold farmers for MMOs.

Liu Dali is a prisoner at Jixi labor camp. Currently 54 years old, he was thrown in the clink for three years in 2004 for raising a ruckus about corruption in his hometown. Unfortunately, his story is hardly unique in his homeland. Anyhow, in addition to performing manual labor, he also had to endure the virtual kind.

In an interview, Liu states: “Prison bosses made more money forcing inmates to play games than they do forcing people to do manual labour… There were 300 prisoners forced to play games. We worked 12-hour shifts in the camp. I heard them say they could earn 5,000-6,000rmb a day. We didn’t see any of the money. The computers were never turned off.”

It gets even better: “If I couldn’t complete my work quota, they would punish me physically. They would make me stand with my hands raised in the air and after I returned to my dormitory they would beat me with plastic pipes. We kept playing until we could barely see things.”

Gold faming is a very big business in China; statistics state that 80-90% takes place there. It’s one thing to consider citizens slowly killing themselves in the real world so some kid doesn’t have to grin in World of Warcraft as a living, but political dissidents who are doing so completely against their will is a whole different level of f’d up.

[The Guardian]

Jilted bride’s suicidal jump stopped in dramatic fashion

Chris Spags — Wed, 18 May 2011 20:30:53 +0000

A bride was crestfallen when her would-be husband called off their wedding to marry another woman (wowwww). But as she went to kill herself, a man caught her in mid-air, leading to this amazing photo.

Pretty proud of myself for naming this file "Jumpaway Bride"

You can see more photos of the amazing rescue at the New York Post.

According to a reports, the bride — known only as Li-Wan — leaped to what she thought would be her death after receiving the news that her wedding would not happen to partner Wang Lu.

A local worker named Guo Zhongfan happened to catch Li-Wan right as she was jumping, holding her in place until other rescuers enabled him to pull her back to safety by her skirt.

No other details are known about the rescue at this time other than, presumably, what a dick her would-be husband was.

Seriously, suicide is obviously never the answer, but can you really blame the girl? You get so far through wedding planning and dress buying and all of the other processes involved with a marriage ceremony, only to tell your girl while she’s wearing her wedding dress that you’re not going to marry her? And not only that, but you’re going to marry someone else, presumably whom she hates? That’s just cruel.

Legally, there may not be anything you can do to punish this Wang Lu dude, but if you happen to be in China and know him, feel free to throw a loaded bag of dog feces at him. Every time he walks by. I think even he’d have to go, “Yeah, probably deserved that.”

Jilted bride in China jumps out window [NY Post]

China has jet-propelled water cannons on their fire engines

Will Brinson — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 18:42:08 +0000

If you were friends with someone who you knew was really rich and yet he kept borrowing money from you to the point that he owed you $10,000,000,000 (or thereabouts), wouldn’t you start using that credit to build really extravagant and awesome toys?

I sure would. And China sure did. Like their brand spankin’ new jet-propelled fire engine-mounted water cannons.

So, the good news: these can’t be used to destroy America. At least not in any sort of manner that could be considered efficient.

The bad news? We don’t have them. And that’s a shame, because these water cannons would be freaking sweet to either put out fires. Or use to knock some sense into the idiots up on the Hill who keep thinking that eventually China won’t just annex us because we owe them some stupidly large amount of cash.

China builds a jet-propelled water cannon just because it can [Engadget]

VIDEO: The world’s finest hurdler

Chris Spags — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 20:42:36 +0000

I thought that high school girl hurdler fail would be the best hurdles-based video I’d see this year (and it may very well be), but this Chinese kid showing his special brand of hurdles running may just top it.

That’s why the Chinese are going to surpass us, kids. What they lack in “athleticism” and “knowing the basic rules of hurdles,” they make up for in ambition and ingenuity. And being able to run through objects successfully 50% of the time. How can we possibly stop them?!?!

Meet Chinese ambassador Mike Tyson

A. Isaac — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 20:15:32 +0000

Mike Tyson’s post boxing career has been nothing short of a wild roller coaster ride. How else can you explain his Oscar worthy performance in “The Hangover”, his version of fat Mike Tyson, beating paparazzi in a bathroom and finally….his ascension into the political ranks as the boxing ambassador to China.

Yea, unfortunately that last part is completely true.

“I didn’t even know what an ambassador really was,” he said Thursday. “When I think of ambassadors I think of living off government money and jet-setting with girlfriends.”

Wait, this gets much better…

“I’m just as clueless as you,” Tyson said. “But I’m an ambassador so I should have some say.”

Yes, indeed you should Mike. Any ideas how the Chinese can sell boxing to a nation that’s not really known for it?

“Didn’t you guys have an altercation with the Japanese people at one time?” he asked Yang. “Here’s what you do: You go looking for a Chinese fighter who will beat the evil Japanese guy and get revenge. That will sell.”

I’m convinced now, more than ever, that Tyson should have cameras following him 24 hours a day. Forget “s#@$ my dad says”, there should be an entire Twitter feed dedicated to Tyson-isms.

Just a few gems from Iron Mike over the years:

“Lennox Lewis, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!”

“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

“He was screaming like my wife.”

“One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard.”

“I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.”

Mike Tyson Plans To Be A Boxing Ambassador To China [Huffington Post]

VIDEO: China-Brazil basketbrawl

A. Isaac — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 21:03:42 +0000

What started out as an exhibition for China and Brazil escalated into something akin to the Palace Brawl. Tensions were already high when one of the Chinese coaches got into it with the officials over a foul call. After angrily slamming his fist on the scorers table and dropping loud expletives, the coach was held back from the officials by his own players.

Then a skirmish underneath the basketball caused a widespread melee with benches emptying. And of course, no basketball fight is complete without one dude running like a complete pansy.

Video via The Big Lead:

China stops Caroline Wozniacki from Tweeting

A. Isaac — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 16:51:02 +0000

Tennis hottie Caroline Wozniacki recently became the #1 female tennis player in the world. A truly remarkable feat, especially when you consider she is one of the few that have done it without winning a major.

But because Wozniacki was in China, she wasn’t able to communicate with her fans. You know, because Twitter is evil and all.

Damn commies!

What if this was one of those times where Wozniacki was so exuberant at her #1 ranking that she decided to bare all for her Twitter followers? Not like she hasn’t been afraid to show off her body before.

So if we missed this opportunity because of you, F&*$ off China!

That is all.

Chinese traffic jam spans 60 miles, has lasted nine days

Chris Spags — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 17:05:44 +0000

Everybody hates commuting. It’s a miserable experience for all of us regardless of age, income-level or ethnic background. But if you think your trip down I-95 is miserable, you need to hear about this back-up on China’s Beijing-Tibet Freeway which spans 60 miles and has lasted nine days so far.

According to reports out of China, the traffic jam began on August 14th when thousands of trucks were stuck in gridlock due to construction on a nearby roadway.

Drivers have been stuck in their cars for nine days. Vendors on the highway are also bleeding the people stuck on the highway dry, charging up to four times the usual price for instant noodles.

China’s Global Times says:

Some people joke about the enduring congestion on the Beijing-Tibet Expressway, saying “concerts should be held at each congested area every weekend, to alleviate drivers’ homesickness.”

“We’ve already sent traffic policemen to work on the traffic congestion,” the unnamed official at the Beijing Traffic Management Bureau told the Global Times, adding that traffic police would stay to guide the traffic 24 hours a day until the problem is solved.”

In spite of all the efforts, police don’t expect the jam to clear up until construction is completed on September 13.

That sounds like about the worst thing ever, right? Being stuck in your car, borderline claustrophobic, eating mediocre overpriced noodles. The good news? Accidents must be down exponentially since there are now several tens of thousands of Asian drivers taken off the road. See? Always a bright side.

60-mile traffic jam on Chinese freeway enters its 9th day [USA Today]
Highway jam enters its 9th day, spans 100km [Global Times]