The Washington Post points out that the Times of India has done this before; a previous joke referenced a racial epithet for black people.

If I were a woman in India, a country in which 70% of women find themselves a victim of domestic violence, I’d probably be livid. Especially because these jokes are right next to the latest comics from “Hi and Lois” and “Cathy.” That page has more atrocities against women than a week’s worth of MSNBC’s overnight programming.

Joke about Chris Brown beating women appears in Times of India [Washington Post]

Halloween is just a few short days away, so if you don’t have a costume, it’s about time you got on top of it. Last year we brought you tasteless costume ideas for 2010. Well, a lot of shit has gone down since then, so here’s a new batch of topical costumes that you can consider sporting this year.

10 Casey “Party Girl” Anthony
This is probably going to be one of the more popular costumes around this year for girls. It allows girls to dress slutty without people questioning exactly why they’re dressed slutty… plus if you’re like Casey, your Halloween night will end with you getting off. Make sure to leave your kid at home that night though because you want it to be authentic.

9 Chris “Meltdown” Brown
This is the perfect costume for that guy you know who loves to get into fights whenever he goes out drinking. All he has to do is bleach his hair, tear off his shirt for no real reason, and throw a bunch of tantrums throughout the night. Backhanding his girlfriend is optional.

8 Courtney Stodden
Ladies, you love to dress up skanky on Halloween. So why not dress up like the ultimate skank? Put on the tightest fitting dress you can find and spend about three days before injecting collagen into your lips. The drunker you get on Halloween, the better… since incoherence seems to be Courtney’s specialty. Remember to only flirt with men who are at least 35 years older than you.

7 Charlie Sheen
It’s true that the Charlie Sheen wow factor has fizzled out quite a bit, but this is Halloween! Dressing up as Sheen will allow you to snort a bunch of cocaine and get ridiculously drunk… which probably isn’t too different than most Halloweens, but it beats having to do it dressed as Gumby.

6 Marcus “In the Closet” Bachmann
The Sarah Palin costume is played out. If you really want to go with a political theme, have your girlfriend dress up as Michelle Bachmann so you can go as her husband, Marcus. Just make sure you build a portable closet around you since that guy is clearly always in one.

5 Christina “The Pudge” Aguilera
Fat girls, now’s the time to dress up like your favorite pop star and not have people give you a hard time for it! Thanks to Aguilera’s recent diet of Big Macs and Slurpees, people will actually believe you when you dress up as her this year.

4 Anthony Weiner’s Weiner
Chances are, people tell you you’re a dick anyway. Why not go as one of the most popular dicks of 2011?! … next to Mel Gibson, of course. You can pretty much wear some boxer briefs over your head to officially become the infamous “bulge”. Toss on a politician-style suit and you’re good to go.

3 Chaz Bono – A Couple Costume
This is the perfect couples costume for 2011. Ditch the cheesy, overdone Plug and Socket idea and instead hit your Halloween party as everyone’s favorite transgender contestant from Dancing With The Stars … before and after the surgery. For a little added fun, the guy should dress as pre-op “Chastity” and the girl can dress as post-op “Chaz”.

2 Jay-Z/Beyonce Fetus
This costume will certainly scare the hell out of Will and Jada’s kids. The Jay-Z/Beyonce fetus is moving in on their territory. Get yourself a flesh colored spandex suit, toss on a blonde lion’s mane and a tilted Yankees cap, and voila! You’re a fetus mogul in the making. For added effect, build yourself an umbilical cord and walk away saying “Uh huh, uh huh” way too much.

1 Zombies!
Zombies are in every year. This Halloween, however, there were a lot of major deaths that made headlines…giving you an assortment of zombie options:

1a. Osama bin Laden
This is going to be a very popular costume this year. If you want to attempt to one up everyone else, see if you can get six of your friends to dress up as seals with guns… as in SEAL Team Six… get it?!… never mind.

1b. Muammar Gadafhi
Dress up as everyone’s favorite fashionista dictator. If you’re the kind of zombie that likes to wear sunglasses and dress ridiculously, then this is the choice for you.

1c. Steve Jobs
It’s up to you to decide if this one is “too soon” or not. But a pair of jeans, a black turtleneck, an iPod, and some serious zombie make-up are all you really need to get Jobs alive and kicking again.

1d. Lindsay Lohan
Okay, she didn’t actually die this year (shocking, I know)… but have you seen her lately?! She looks like one of those moaning extras straight out of an episode of The Walking Dead. Start your meth binge now, so your body will be in perfect condition by Halloween. Or… if you want, you can always just go as Lohan’s career, since it’s been dead for years.

Inevitably, during your busy work week, there are videos you probably missed on Guyism. But don’t fret, we’ve compiled some of the best in one post for you, including a Guyism original of Sofia Vergara.

The Many Mispronunciations of Sofia Vergara

The latest Guyism Original from the lovely and talented Ryan Jones (who just returned from teaching refugees in Africa how to document their lives…isn’t he dreamy, ladies?) looks at ABC’s Emmy-winning hit Modern Family. In this mash-up, we document the many mispronunciations of the unreasonably attractive Sofia Vergara’s character Gloria. Enjoy!

You can see our previous Guyism Originals compiled here.

This is a dude emerging from his homemade vagina tent

I really can’t emphasize enough how not-safe-for-life this is. But watch it. In this clip you’ll see a man who built himself a tent shaped like a woman’s body that’s large enough to sleep in. And, naturally, you enter and exit through the vagina part of the tent.

Two busty girls in bikinis give Chuck Norris-like facts about Rick Perry

GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry is one of the frontrunners to represent the Republican party in the 2012 election. But his constituency may be different than you think, based on this clip in which two girls in skimpy bikinis tout “Rick Perry Facts.” It’s surreal to say the least.

Bill Belichick dressed up as a pirate and roller skating

In the conclusion of A Football Life on NFL Network, a mic’d up Bill Belichick accepts an invitation from Randy Moss for a team Halloween party. The next scene cuts to Belichick dressed up as a pirate with girlfriend Linda Holliday in tow. And yes, they enjoyed a nice stroll around the roller skating rink.

Despite his old age, Belichick still has some wheels.

This is Chris Brown sucking a girl’s knee for some reason

Chris Brown does a lot of silly things that occasionally involve temper tantrums or feuding with Fox News hosts. But in this clip, he shows his softer side by, uh, sucking some chick’s knee during a show in Detroit.

So apparently there’s a baseball game in which all the players are bobbleheads

And apparently MLB Bobblehead Pros is not that bad? So now you can try and have bobbleheaded [insert name of your fave ball player] hit a ball right at the now bouncy skull of bobbleheaded [insert name of your most hated ball player].

So I came across this not too long ago, on a site that specializes in Japanese video game news…

Husky kid completely fails at rope swing

Honestly, bigger guys and gals just need to avoid rope swings. First we had the chunky girl faceplanting during a rope swing, now this kid. Be careful out there, our pudgy pals.

The biggest Pee Wee football hit you will ever see

Dunta Robinson, please step aside sir. This Pee Wee football player not only hits hard, but his hits are clean.

Drunk driver pulls over to pee while fleeing police

When driving drunk, you have two options: Pull over for the safety for society OR make an ill-advised decision to get away. The guy in this video took option two, only combined it with the even more brilliant move of pulling over to pee during a high speed chase.

Drunk old man shows off his dance moves at Kentucky tailgate

Apparently, getting drunk and saucy at tailgates is not limited to college youth. Last night, MGOBLOG posted a video of two grandmas shotgunning beers. And now this morning, we’ve unearthed video of this old, drunk Kentucky fan getting his groove on.

I get that R&B dudes are supposed to be all sensual and that’s why the women flock to them but kneelattio isn’t exactly something I’d consider to be a panty moistener. Then again, I can’t recall the last time I’ve made sweet love to a kneecap, so perhaps I’m not the best judge of character.

Either way, I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised by anything Chris Brown does with a gal. His previous ideas of foreplay have included slamming a Lambourghini door on a hot chick’s face like she was a pizza box that didn’t quite fit in the refrigerator so anything other than that would qualify as progress.

George Clooney And Stacy Keibler Take Their Romance Public
“They took their budding romance public Saturday night, stepping out for an event at the Toronto Film Festival.”

Minka Kelly: I Had “Complicated” Relationship with Stripper Mom
“She would want me to skip school… I was like ‘No, Mom, I’ve gotta go to school!’”

Leo DiCaprio — Jewelry Clerk Panics … Please Don’t Rob Me!
“A clerk named Linda — who works at The Family Jewels shop in Sydney — panicked when she saw two burly men walk into her store and then stood guard at the door.”

Chris Brown — 95 Parking Tickets … DISMISSED
“Chris Brown just caught the second biggest break of his life … 95 out of the 117 parking tickets he accrued recently have been dismissed.”

Jack Nicholson House Burns To The Ground
“His current renters are William O’Farrell and William Tynan…”

Terrence Howard Leaves Angry Death Threat On Voicemail
“N**ga, you been calling my wife… If you call my wife again I’m going to come to your house and I’m going to cut your f***ing throat…”

Hugh Jackman: I Only Work Out Because I’m Paid To
“I don’t really enjoy training. People say it’s addictive, but I’m like, ‘Not so much.’”

Beyonce Pulls Out of Live Satellite Performance at Michael Jackson Tribute Concert
“Creating more controversy, Michael Jackson fans are outraged that promoters are now offering 2-for-1 deals for tickets.”

Mel Gibson to Make Movie About Jewish Hero Judah Maccabee
“The move is sure to raise eyebrows, as Gibson’s past words and actions would not indicate he’s a big fan of the Jewish faith.”

Jewish Org. to Warner Bros. — BOOT Mel Gibson from Maccabee Movie
“As a hero of the Jewish people and a universal hero in the struggle for religious liberty, Judah Maccabee deserves better.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind-the-scenes video of a recent photo shoot with singer Skylar Grey.

Kreayshawn — Nude pics were stolen … and I was underage
“My twitter got hacked today by some anti-hollywood extremists.”

Courtney Stodden gets lingerie for her 17th birthday
“17 is going to be even better than 16 because I’m going to spend the whole year with my wonderful husband!”

Matthew Fox detained — accused of assaulting woman
“…the Lost star allegedly tried to enter a party bus — even though he wasn’t a guest on the vehicle.”

Leonardo DiCaprio’s unusual gift to Blake Lively’s dad — a coloring book
“Blake’s father loved it.”

Dancing with the Stars contestants announced
It’s a list of who’s who, I mean who’s that? – Ed.

Jay-Z — I refuse to clap for Chris Brown
“Jay-Z refused to even crack a smile.”

Kim Kardashian: Why Kris Humphries bailed on the VMAs
“He’s in Minnesota! Packing for NYC for a few months.”

Why The Situation skipped the VMAs
“…the 29-year-old’s absence was related to the hurricane that swept the East Coast over the weekend.”

Sebastian Bach’s home destroyed by Hurricane Irene
“Bach’s house was knocked off its foundation after a nearby reservoir overflowed, breaking the bridge next his home and sending it into his garage.”

Lindsay Lohan’s brother receiving threatening phone calls
“Cody … told officers a mystery caller was blowing up his cell phone and threatening to ‘harm him.’”

TODAY’S VIDEO
A teaser of Kim Kardashian’s new music video for her song “Jam.”

Kim Kardashian suing Old Navy
“Kim is filing a lawsuit … claiming they intentionally used a look-alike in an effort to dupe the public into thinking Kim was affiliated with Old Navy.”

Leonardo DiCaprio splits with Blake Lively?
“DiCaprio has allegedly broken up with the Gossip Girl star because his mother didn’t like her.”

Chris Brown — Neighbors says he’s a nightmare
“…the dude is utterly disrespectful, blasting loud music and partying day and night … even racing dogs down the hallways at all hours.”

Ben Affleck gave Jennifer Lopez advice on crumbling marriage
“Guadalupe Lopez, the singer-actress’s mother … sought Affleck’s advice on July 12…”

Britney Spears: My ex-bodyguard’s lying about drugs, farts
“Flores … claims she uses methamphetamines, farts a lot, picks her nose and has terrible hygiene practices.”

Paris Hilton walks out of interview with ABC News
“Dan Harris after he asked her if she’s concerned she’s a has-been, referencing the new wave of socialites, including Kim Kardashian.”

Katy Perry, Adele, Kanye West lead VMA nominees
“The #3 all-time VMA award winner, Eminem, picked up three nominations this time for Best Male Video, Best Direction and Best Cinematography…”

Lindsay Lohan facing new lawsuit — assault & battery
“Lindsay Lohan dished out 8 to 10 seconds of pain when she attacked a Betty Ford employee last year … so says the alleged victim…”

Lindsay Lohan’s new man — Their date night caught on camera
“Lohan, 25, is snapped with Spencer Falls, who plays one half of the Virgin Mobile spoof couple “Sparah.”

Jessica Simpson is NOT pregnant
“All the grief Jessica Simpson gets for her weight may have just gone too far, because the starlet has been forced to announce that she is NOT pregnant…”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes of Cassie Ventura’s new Blank magazine photo shoot.

Find out who got nominated for Emmys
“Melissa McCarthy and Joshua Jackson announced the nominees for the 63rd Annual Emmy Awards bright and early Thursday morning in L.A.”

Lea Michele leaving Glee after next season
“Lea Michele, Chris Colfer and Cory Monteith will don caps and gowns at the end of the fall season and won’t be returning…”

Lady Gaga’s YouTube account suspended
“Gaga’s official YouTube account was suspended because she posted footage from her recent appearance on the Japanese show SMAP x SMAP.”

Chris Evans’ Captain America suit was “not comfortable”
“I did not get to keep any of the costumes, unfortunately.”

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie not getting married
“There is no evidence nor any single truth” to recent published reports that the couple will wed this summer or in the next few months…”

Miranda Kerr named son Flynn after late boyfriend
“I told Orlando and he was the one who said he’d be happy to do that.”

Sharon Stone ordered to pay $232k to man injured on her property
“The jury ultimately determined that Stone was negligent because her fence wasn’t up to code.”

Roseanne Barr on Charlie Sheen: “I can understand how you can go really crazy like that”
“Roseanne, 58, said she’s never met Sheen, but ‘kind of [feels] sorry for him.’”

Gay rights group slams Chris Brown’s homophobic rant
“These kinds of slurs are just unacceptable.”

Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede posed nude for Playboy
“Two years after Levi Johnston bared his bum for Playgirl, his 18-year-old sister will be featured in a four-page nude pictorial in Playboy’s September issue.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Cintia Dicker’s sexy new lingerie video for American Eagle.

Chris Brown unleashes anti-gay rant at a pick-up hoops game
“He got really ticked off when things didn’t go his way during the game, saying, ‘That’s gay!’ and ‘You’re a f*gg*t a**!’ to the other players.”

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie getting married
“Get ready for a royal wedding of another sort.”

Ryan Reynolds is dating Charlize Theron
“They’re exclusive, and it’s very hush-hush.”

Marine’s parents thrilled Mila Kunis accepted his date request
“The couple thanked both Kunis and Timberlake for ‘supporting the troops in this way … it means a lot to us.’”

Justin Timberlake asked out by a Marine
“Mila Kunis may not be the only celebrity heading to the Marine Corps Ball.”

British Parliament summons Rupert Murdoch to testify about phone hacking scandal
“At issue – did they know about the hacking, and did they authorize it?”

Ted Danson joining CSI as its newest investigator
“He replaces Laurence Fishburne, who played Dr. Raymond Langston for two years.”

Olivia Wilde: Divorce “made me a better actress”
“It makes you a more empathetic person…”

R. Kelly reportedly facing foreclosure on mansion
“Kelly is facing a $2.9 million foreclosure lawsuit on his suburban Chicago mansion over claims that he has failed to make mortgage payments…”

Renee Zellweger, John Stamos visit Disneyland together
“The 42-year-old actress and Stamos, 47, “were having a great time laughing and dancing as they walked from one ride to another.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Victoria’s Secret supermodel Selita Ebanks at the Pepsi MAX MLB Field of Dreams launch.

Lindsay Lohan violated terms of probation – Tested positive for alcohol
“The probation department has prepared a report, and Lindsay will be in court tomorrow.”

George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis split
“We are not together anymore. It’s very difficult and very personal, and we hope everyone can respect our privacy.”

Did Lady Gaga wet her pants on stage?
“The undisclosed footage in question, obtained by WENN.com, allegedly shows the popstar relieving herself midway through her performance of ‘Alejandro.’”

Are Prince Harry and Pippa Middleton close to becoming a couple?
“Middleton reportedly calls Harry ‘Captain,’ which is his rank in the British army and Harry calls her ‘Commando.’”

Chris Brown sends Rihanna sexy Twitter message
“Chris Brown shot the 140 characters or less over to his ex-girlfriend Rihanna over the weekend, but removed the post…”

Chris Brown dodges parking ticket — drops gay slur
“Y’all n**gas is weak. Did you all call them to try and film me? Y’ALL N**GAS IS GAY.”

Ryan Dunn toxicology report released — He was drunk, Very drunk
“…Dunn’s BAL was .196, which is more than twice the legal limit of .08 in Pennsylvania.”

How Jennifer Aniston pulled an Angelina with Justin Theroux
“It sucks when your ex dates the most famous woman in the world so soon after a breakup.”

Emma Stone dating Spider-Man costar Andrew Garfield
“They got close during filming and have been hooking up.”

Investigators probe Ryan O’Neal over Farrah Fawcett’s missing $30M Warhol
“Farrah, who lost her battle with anal cancer two years ago this week, notoriously left nothing to Ryan in her will.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Isabeli Fontana and Cintia Dicker on the runway at the Salinas Bikini Show

Christina Aguilera gets carried out of Hollywood club
“With her eyes half-closed and her red lipstick smudged, Aguilera, 30, wobbled in her platform shoes as she was guided carefully to a waiting car.”

Miley Cyrus rants against Urban Outfitters
“Not only do they steal from artists but every time you give them money you help finance a campaign against gay equality.”

Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight separate
“…the couple has reached a period where those differences are no longer appreciated.”

Sean Kingston stabilized after jet ski accident
“Sean was heading west from the MacArthur Causeway and Miami Beach Islands when his personal watercraft collided with the bridge, and he and his female passenger ended up in the water.”

Rob Kardashian doesn’t know if Kim & Kris will really marry
“I just don’t feel confident because Kim has always been so like, you know, she’s, how old?”

Cheryl Cole out as British X Factor judge too
“The judges for this season of the popular British show were announced today and Cole’s name was off the list.”

Estella Warren escapes escape charge
…”officials will not go forward with the felony escape charge against Warren because she hadn’t actually been booked into the system when she made a break for it…”

Rihanna wants Chris back!?!?
“The two have been secretly meeting at a friends house to test the waters.”

Snooki hits police car escort in Italy
“No one was in serious condition, although a male and female police officer were taken to the emergency room of the local Careggi hospital to be treated for whiplash, bruises and cuts.”

Jose Canseco begs Lady Gaga to marry him
“Gaga — who has been busy promoting her new album, Born This Way – has yet to respond to Canseco’s tweets.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Lindsay Lohan wearing a bikini in an art film by Richard Phillips.

Arnold Schwarzenegger admits he fathered child out of wedlock
“I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family.”

Source: Charlie Sheen ‘destroyed’ by Ashton news
“He really thought that he would be invited back.”

Rihanna defends following Chris Brown on Twitter
“its fu*kin twitter, not the altar! calm down.”

Nick Jonas, 18, steps out with singer Delta Goodrem, 26
“Nick Jonas clearly has a type: sexy brunette pop stars.”

Lady Gaga reaches 10 million Twitter follower landmark
“10 MillionMonsters!”

Lindsay Lohan’s little sister gets matching wrist tattoo
“And so it begins.”

Alcohol, drugs allegations against Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon still being probed
“Nick was extremely angry when DCFS officials attempted to interview Mariah, which just escalated the situation.”

Andy Dick sued for close encounter of the genital kind
“Defendant Dick then, while still controlling Plaintiff’s head with his hand, forced his genitals against the left side of Plaintiff’s face.”

Pippa Middleton parties in Spain with ex-boyfriend
“Though in a relationship with former cricket player and current financial trader Alex Loudon … Middleton is said to have remained on friendly terms with Percy…”

Jennifer Love Hewitt eyed for new female lead of Law & Order:SVU
“…no formal offer has been made.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
FHM #1 Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in a sexy photo shoot for DT magazine.

January Jones’ baby daddy so isn’t Jason Sudeikis
“January was involved with someone on set (of X-Men: First Class) — and that someone is the father of her child.”

Rush to get Pippa Middleton’s topless photos taken off the market
“The whole family is furious at what they see as a betrayal.”

Taylor Momsen, Jessica Szohr dropped from Gossip Girl
“There’s been some casting shakeups on the Upper East Side.”

Leonardo DiCaprio buys $1.2 million Salvador Dali painting
“He bid on the Picassos, but it was clear the Dali was what he wanted.”

Al Pacino added to cast of Gotti flick
“Al Pacino will play mob associate Aniello John Dellacrocean.”

50 Cent says he and Jay-Z aren’t friends
“These people are people I associate with. We are in the same business.”

Entourage wants Charlie Sheen
“I’m still waiting for Charlie to call me back. I’d come up with something good.”

The Situation’s dad unloads — ‘F**k the little f**k’
“I ask you one f**king favor and you tell me to go f**king be like a regular f**king Joe Blow and go on welfare?”

Whitney Houston’s daughter arrested for alcohol induced fight
“Bobbi Kristina was arrested for her involvement in a drunken brawl with guns involved.”

Duchess Fergie: Wedding rejection was hurtful
“…it was so hard because the last bride up that aisle was me.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Rihanna’s new music video for the song California King Bed.

Is there anything more attractive than a cute girl doing something entirely unexpected that doesn’t involve shoving a digit into your rectum? Somewhere, Elvis Presley is smiling, telling anyone who’ll listen that “This is the moment hip hop makes it to the mainstream.”

Since there’s nothing we appreciate more than people using actual talents to make a viral video, you can go to Karmin’s Facebook page and like them to keep up on their awesomeness.

Chris Brown Ft. Busta Rhymes & Lil Wayne – Look At Me Now (Super White Cover) [High Definite]

Justin Timberlake, Olivia Wilde dancing, flirting all night at club
“Two of Hollywood’s hottest newly single stars found sexy solace with one another at L.A. hotspot Roxbury over the weekend.”

Miley Cyrus has rejoined Twitter
“I’m not gonna lie. I came back to twitter for 2 reasons. My fans and to follow @charliesheen #winning.”

Keanu Reeves reveals Bill And Ted 3 plot details
“When we last got together, part of it was that Bill and Ted were supposed to have written the song that saved the world, and it hasn’t happened.”

Hugh Hefner is not making Crystal Harris sign a prenup
“Hef’s third wedding is just 10 weeks away, but we’re told he hasn’t raised a prenup convo because he ‘actually cares’ about Crystal and doesn’t want to ask her to sign one.”

Jay-Z’s company sued for trademark infringement
“Despite its awareness of Volcom’s stone mark, in approximately 2009, Roc Nation began using a very similar inverted diamond logo.”

Rosie O’Donnell thinks Chris Brown haters are racist
“I just don’t know why this kid seems to be held to a different standard than anyone else.”

Elizabeth Hurley files for divorce
“In her filing, Hurley, 45, cites ‘unreasonable behavior’ as the reason for the split.”

Lil Wayne banned from performing tours In Europe
“UK fans hoping to see Lil Wayne perform in concert will have to wait for a while.”

Tiger Woods is selling his yacht
“With a permanent crew of 13, Privacy costs more than $2 million a year to maintain.”

Ke$ha wants to skinny dip with Britney Spears
“It would be a dress-up-like-Ke$ha-or-Britney party.”

Miley Cyrus bashes Rebecca Black
“‘It should be harder to be an artist,’ Cyrus, 18, told Australia’s Daily Telegraph of the 13-year-old Internet sensation.”

Rihanna says beating shouldn’t impact Chris Brown’s career
“What he did was a personal thing — it had nothing to do with his career.”

George Clooney may testify in Italian sex trial
“It seems odd since I’ve only met Berlusconi once and that was in an attempt to get aid into Darfur.”

Lindsay Lohan won’t be prosecuted for rehab scuffle
“Lohan was under investigation for battery after a scuffle with Dawn Holland, a Betty Ford staff member, while there for treatment.”

Angelina Jolie gets her own comic book
“The superstar, 35, will be the subject of the comic book bio Female Force: Angelina Jolie.”

Night clubs must pay $1M if they spill the beans on the Kardashians
“According to the docs, anyone who leaks any information about the show must pay producers $1,000,000 ‘per breach.’”

Dennis Hopper’s estranged wife sues for return of her asparagus tongs
“Dennis Hopper’s estranged wife is accusing the late actor of taking her possessions to the grave, and now she wants them back.”

Model Jessica White says she’s not guilty of assault
“‘I never denied getting into an altercation,’ she says. ‘But people painted me to be the bad girl, which was 110 percent false.’”

Vida Guerra sued over birthday beat down
“Model Vida Guerra is being sued by three dudes who went to her birthday party at a Hollywood nightclub and claim they got beat down by club employees.”

Batman franchise may reboot again after next film
“But even though Nolan will be leaving the franchise as its director, good news for fans out there is that he’ll remain on as a producer …”

AMC greenlights season 5 of Mad Men for early 2012
“Despite not having a deal with Mad Men creator-executive producer Matt Weiner yet, AMC is officially moving ahead with a fifth season of the Emmy-winning period drama…”

Jackie Chan is not dead, as rumored
“He did not suffer a heart attack and die, as was reported on many social networking sites and in online news reports.”

Jessica Simpson says she’s been approached to judge The X Factor
“I think it would be a lot of fun. It’s definitely my life. To be a mentor for up-and-coming artists is right up my alley.”

Beyonce no longer managed by her father, Mathew Knowles
“Mathew Knowles began managing Beyonce’s career when she was a teenager and shepherded her through her mega-success with Destiny’s Child…”

Britney Spears announces tour with Enrique Iglesias
“In between songs at her pretaped San Francisco show on Good Morning America, the singer made the huge announcement.”

Enrique Iglesias quits Britney Spears’ US tour
“Just hours after Spears announced ‘We are going on tour with Enrique Iglesias in June!’ on Good Morning America, Iglesias has backed out of the show…”

Chris Brown gets chilly reception at Dancing With The Stars
“‘As a victim of domestic violence, I don’t agree with him coming on the show, but it’s out of my control,’ Cheryl [Burke] said following Chris’ performance.”

Jodie Foster says Mel Gibson ‘is a brilliant man’
“We work exactly in the same way: No bullshit.”

Rosie O’Donnell moving into Oprah Winfrey’s TV studio
“Rosie O’Donnell posted big news on her blog Monday night when she announced that her eagerly-anticipated talk show will call Oprah Winfrey’s OWN Network home this fall.”

Jackass star Steve-O arrested in Canada
“Steve-O was stopped by customs when he got off an airplane at Calgary International Airport … when officials noticed there was an outstanding warrant out for his arrest.”

ABC wants Chris Brown and Rihanna together
“Indeed, sources at ABC have confirmed to me that producers want to ‘milk this event for everything its worth,’ high moral news standards (and, one assumes, laws, especially those involving convicted felons and their subsequent behavior) be damned.”

Oprah Winfrey sets the date for her final show
“Harpo Productions confirmed Friday that the talk-show queen will air the final episode of her iconic daytime TV program, The Oprah Winfrey Show, on May 25.”

Is Hugh Hefner’s fiancée cheating on him with Dr. Phil’s son?
“Despite Crystal’s impending June 18 wedding date to the Playboy founder, sources tell us that she and Jordan are very happy together.”

Liz Taylor said James Dean was molested by his minister
“I’m going to tell you something, but it’s off the record until I die. OK?”

Whoopi Goldberg smoked pot before her Oscar speech
“In an old video of The View co-host, which surfaced in the Internet Thursday, she admitted she was stoned while accepting the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her role in Ghost.”

Kurt Angle arrested for being drunk in a car
“Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … highway patrol in Grand Forks found Angle sitting in his car in the median separating lanes.”

Michael Vick’s high school won’t hang his jersey
“Despite a Facebook campaign by students, Michael Vick’s high school has declined to display his jersey once again.”

Madonna’s Malawi school scrapped, charity in trouble
“Raising Malawi’s board of directors has been replaced as its former executive director, Phillippe van de Bossche, is accused of using funds for expenses like a car and driver and gold club membership.”

Charlie Sheen dumped his book agent
“Just two weeks ago, McGuigan was shopping a deal to publishers for Sheen’s life story, with the working title Apocalypse Me.”

Elizabeth Berkley signs on for Saved by the Bell reunion
“Jimmy Fallon has made it his personal mission to have the cast of Saved by the Bell reunite on his show.”

Who doesn’t want fame and fortune? Even if you don’t want one, you definitely want the other. But once you get to that point and beyond, just how much is too much? At what point does the nonstop attention and ridiculous bank account cause you to start to lose your mind a bit? Now that some of the smoke from the Charlie Sheen time bomb has settled a bit, we at Guyism got to thinking… What have some of our favorite meltdowns (both mild and major) of the rich and famous been? Here’s what we came up with.

11 Dave Chappelle
We’ll listen to any excuse he gives us, but running away to Africa and going completely MIA due to the pressure he felt from a fifty million dollar deal he received still classifies him as completely bonkers. If you get that much money thrown at you, you man up and work fifty million times harder than you were working before. You didn’t see Seth Macfarlane run for the hills when he got his 100 million dollar deal. With the Chappelle mindset, technically MacFarlane should’ve run off twice as fast (Yes. I did that math all by myself).

10 Christian Bale
Although it is dwarfed in comparison to others on this list, Christian Bale’s verbal berating of a crew member on the set of Terminator Salvation is three and half minutes of pure gold that should be revisited on a regular basis. The reason this meltdown is one of the lesser on the list is due to fellow meltdowner, Chris Brown’s expert opinion on the rant: “Yeah…I mean, Christian was mean and all, but my mother always taught me to use my fists instead of words whenever possible…I give it a 2.5.”*

*Disclaimer: Chris Brown never actually said this. I want to make that absolutely clear before he hits me.

9 Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera’s publicist has to be so thankful that her client chose to break down the same time as Charlie Sheen. For once, a major pop star’s divorce/arrest/racy leaked photo/weight gain/(insert any other embarrassing personal situation here) wasn’t front-page news. Despite all of the above, and also completely flubbing the national anthem during the most watched sporting event of the year, Aguilera still managed to land a gig as a judge on the upcoming competition American Idol wannabe, The Voice. She should send Sheen a Sparkletts truck full of Tiger Blood as a thank you immediately.

8 Chris Brown
Hot off the presses! Chris Brown, who will forever be infamous for his physical altercation with ex-girlfriend, Rihanna, snapped and trashed a dressing room over at Good Morning America just this week for being asked questions about… his physical altercation with ex-girlfriend, Rihanna. Apparently, Brown was “angry” about being asked about the thing he’s the best known for… his anger. Clearly the best way to prove to people that you are not violent is by smashing things.

7 Michael Richards
Oh Kramer… say it ain’t so! Everyone’s favorite wacky next door neighbor completely lost in on stage and went on a racist rant that has gone down in viral video infamy. He’s since awkwardly apologized publicly, as well as poked fun at the incident on Curb Your Enthusiasm, which I guess is the only way you can deal with such an incident. On the plus side, I bet after seeing the video, Mel Gibson bought tickets to all of his upcoming shows.

6 David Hasselhoff
How many of us have had the kind of week where all we want to do is get completely wasted, collapse on the floor, and absolutely devour a cheeseburger? We get it. We’ve been there. It’s just probably best not to do it when you’re a celebrity. Or when you’re around your children. Or you’re a recovering alcoholic. Or if camera phones have been invented. Or if YouTube exists. On the bright side, this is the most entertaining on-camera work that Hasselhoff has ever been a part of.

5 Randy Quaid
I guess of all the people on this list, Randy Quaid looks the part the most. I also use the term “celebrity” loosely on this one because I’m not sure if co-starring in 27 National Lampoon’s Vacation movies actually qualifies you as one. Along with his wife, Quaid has fled to Canada, not only to avoid felony charges on a $500,000 bench warrant in the U.S., but more importantly to avoid the “Star Whackers” – a group of assassins that he claims are taking out celebrities left and right. He even wrote and performed a song named after the group, which is obviously the best thing you can do when trying to remain anonymous and lay low. Here is your opportunity to watch a melodious meltdown live on stage:

4 Lindsay Lohan
It’s funny. All of the signs that the press claimed were “warning” signs during Lindsay’s meltdown are all of the signs we look for when picking up a girl at a bar. Venturing out sans underwear? Check. Partying a little too hard then she probably should be? Check. Making out with girls? Jackpot! The kleptomania might be a little much though. Make sure all of your stuff is bolted to the floor before you take this mess home with you.

3 Britney Spears
When one of the hottest women on the planet somehow ends up looking like Moby, I think it’s safe to say the girl has cracked. While Charlie Sheen’s weapon of choice was a machete, Britney chose to show off her freshly shaved head by waving an umbrella at paparazzi. You can’t blame her though. Anyone who had to listen to Kevin Federline rap for more than 30 seconds would easily snap and do the same.

2 Mel Gibson
Mel only recently got bumped to the #2 spot. If Charlie Sheen’s antics weren’t so damn lovable, Mel’s racist and misogynistic rants would still be basking in the glow of the #1 spot. He also loses a couple of points because in most of the recordings, it’s sometimes hard to make out exactly what he’s saying since his voice tends to get muffled while he’s wearing his hood.

1 Charlie Sheen
Of course he’s #1 on this list. Sheen has solidified himself as a pop culture icon with this most recent of celebrity meltdowns. The dude is clearly beyond nuts, but for some reason, he’s a lovable nut. Show me another celebrity who completely flipped out and turned it into a financial gain. Everyone is on the Charlie Sheen bandwagon right now. His tour has sold out and will net him at least seven million dollars. The other day, even my Grandma ended a 16 minute long story about a quiche she made with “Duh, winning!”. With lucrative business opportunities coming at him left and right, the man’s successfully upped the ante for celebrity meltdowns. Can’t wait to see who’s next.

Brooklyn Decker cut 10 inches of her hair off
“‘I love!!’ the model-turned-actress Tweeted, thanking stylist Ted Gibson and colorist Jason Backe for the new look.”

Lindsay Lohan is not taking the plea deal on her theft charge
“If convicted, Lohan faces a maximum of three years in prison. She also faces the possibility of jail time if a judge decides she violated her probation in a DUI case.”

Paz de la Huerta fell down, got in a fight, then was arrested
“After taking in the unexpected pratfall – which, our source adds, resulted in one of de la Huerta’s breasts ‘hanging out of her dress’ – an amused Swetra yelled out ‘triple axel!’”

Russell Brand not having as much sex now that he’s married
“I can’t believe I used to have sex 20 times a week, especially now I’m married. But now I’m a bloody good gardener.”

Rapper Ja Rule pleads guilty to tax evasion, owes $1.1M
“In December, Atkins was sentenced to two years in prison after pleading guilty to a weapons possession charge stemming from a 2007 incident in which he was pulled over by police who discovered a semi-automatic handgun hidden in his luxury car.”

Reports of Charlie Sheen returning to Two and a Half Men are false
“There is ‘no chance’ of Charlie Sheen coming back to Two and a Half Men – this according to sources connected to the production of the show.”

Chris Brown apologizes for GMA outburst
“…I’m disappointed in the way I acted … Yes, I got very emotional. And I apologize for acting like that.”

Despite contrary reports, Rachel Bilson is still dating Hayden Christensen
“Rachel’s rep has confirmed the two are still very much together.”

Michael Lohan released from hospital, will press charges against ex
“Lohan was released from the hospital Tuesday after being arrested on domestic violence charges and plans to file charges of his own against ex-girlfriend Kate Major.”

Howard Stern’s company suing SiriusXM Radio
“Howard Stern’s production company and manager are suing SiriusXM Radio … claiming Howard was bilked out of stock awards SiriusXM promised him.”