Halloween is just a few short days away, so if you don’t have a costume, it’s about time you got on top of it. Last year we brought you tasteless costume ideas for 2010. Well, a lot of shit has gone down since then, so here’s a new batch of topical costumes that you can consider sporting this year.

10 Casey “Party Girl” Anthony
This is probably going to be one of the more popular costumes around this year for girls. It allows girls to dress slutty without people questioning exactly why they’re dressed slutty… plus if you’re like Casey, your Halloween night will end with you getting off. Make sure to leave your kid at home that night though because you want it to be authentic.

9 Chris “Meltdown” Brown
This is the perfect costume for that guy you know who loves to get into fights whenever he goes out drinking. All he has to do is bleach his hair, tear off his shirt for no real reason, and throw a bunch of tantrums throughout the night. Backhanding his girlfriend is optional.

8 Courtney Stodden
Ladies, you love to dress up skanky on Halloween. So why not dress up like the ultimate skank? Put on the tightest fitting dress you can find and spend about three days before injecting collagen into your lips. The drunker you get on Halloween, the better… since incoherence seems to be Courtney’s specialty. Remember to only flirt with men who are at least 35 years older than you.

7 Charlie Sheen
It’s true that the Charlie Sheen wow factor has fizzled out quite a bit, but this is Halloween! Dressing up as Sheen will allow you to snort a bunch of cocaine and get ridiculously drunk… which probably isn’t too different than most Halloweens, but it beats having to do it dressed as Gumby.

6 Marcus “In the Closet” Bachmann
The Sarah Palin costume is played out. If you really want to go with a political theme, have your girlfriend dress up as Michelle Bachmann so you can go as her husband, Marcus. Just make sure you build a portable closet around you since that guy is clearly always in one.

5 Christina “The Pudge” Aguilera
Fat girls, now’s the time to dress up like your favorite pop star and not have people give you a hard time for it! Thanks to Aguilera’s recent diet of Big Macs and Slurpees, people will actually believe you when you dress up as her this year.

4 Anthony Weiner’s Weiner
Chances are, people tell you you’re a dick anyway. Why not go as one of the most popular dicks of 2011?! … next to Mel Gibson, of course. You can pretty much wear some boxer briefs over your head to officially become the infamous “bulge”. Toss on a politician-style suit and you’re good to go.

3 Chaz Bono – A Couple Costume
This is the perfect couples costume for 2011. Ditch the cheesy, overdone Plug and Socket idea and instead hit your Halloween party as everyone’s favorite transgender contestant from Dancing With The Stars … before and after the surgery. For a little added fun, the guy should dress as pre-op “Chastity” and the girl can dress as post-op “Chaz”.

2 Jay-Z/Beyonce Fetus
This costume will certainly scare the hell out of Will and Jada’s kids. The Jay-Z/Beyonce fetus is moving in on their territory. Get yourself a flesh colored spandex suit, toss on a blonde lion’s mane and a tilted Yankees cap, and voila! You’re a fetus mogul in the making. For added effect, build yourself an umbilical cord and walk away saying “Uh huh, uh huh” way too much.

1 Zombies!
Zombies are in every year. This Halloween, however, there were a lot of major deaths that made headlines…giving you an assortment of zombie options:

1a. Osama bin Laden
This is going to be a very popular costume this year. If you want to attempt to one up everyone else, see if you can get six of your friends to dress up as seals with guns… as in SEAL Team Six… get it?!… never mind.

1b. Muammar Gadafhi
Dress up as everyone’s favorite fashionista dictator. If you’re the kind of zombie that likes to wear sunglasses and dress ridiculously, then this is the choice for you.

1c. Steve Jobs
It’s up to you to decide if this one is “too soon” or not. But a pair of jeans, a black turtleneck, an iPod, and some serious zombie make-up are all you really need to get Jobs alive and kicking again.

1d. Lindsay Lohan
Okay, she didn’t actually die this year (shocking, I know)… but have you seen her lately?! She looks like one of those moaning extras straight out of an episode of The Walking Dead. Start your meth binge now, so your body will be in perfect condition by Halloween. Or… if you want, you can always just go as Lohan’s career, since it’s been dead for years.

Here is this week’s wrap-up of living proof that women just don’t get it. Some are celebrities, some are random news items, but they’re all acting like idiots. Each one gets a nifty little title and a treasured spot in our hall of shame. This week we’ve got a baby puncher, a former fatty with apparent amnesia, a crazy pillow lady, and everyone’s favorite repeat offender, Britney Spears. This, gentlemen, is your week in women.

Bitchy Unqualified Mother of the Week: Erica Ryan
This woman was arrested in Boston on Tuesday for punching her one year-old baby in the grillpiece on a public bus. Apparently the child wouldn’t eat, so she called him a few names and gave him the left hook. I understand parenting is probably really stressful, but if you’re at the point where you’re punching helpless drool factories in their chubby little cheeks, you’ve got an issue. Did you think you were going to go through nine months of torture and however many hours of labor to pop out a fully-functional, self-sufficient creature? You signed up for this, lady. Show a little effort. If your kid won’t eat, squirt some ketchup on that shit and try again. If that doesn’t work, the thing gets to go without lunch. Done and done, problem solved. You can’t just be punting fetuses all over the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Hypocritical Bitch of the Week: Kelly Osbourne
The trainwreck spawn of Ozzy Osbourne called Christina Aguilera a “fat bitch” this week on one of those eight million shows on E! where they talk about fashion. Yeah, I know the two have hated each other for years and I don’t really care. The point is that a few short years ago Kelly looked like a bloated whale of gothness before she discovered a bottle of peroxide and what happens when you stick a finger down your throat. Who the f*ck are you to sit there with your bleached hair, red lipstick, and pale ass skin and criticize the person who you so obviously were dying to be? Don’t get me wrong; I’ll be the first to admit that I think Xtina’s on a steady decline to hefty has-been, but it’s ok for me to do so since I never looked like the before picture of a Jenny Craig ad. I give Kelly a couple months before she’s rebounding into chunky town faster than you can say Kirstie Alley. Those on glass soap boxes should be careful not to go for that third slice of Domino’s.

Crazy Bitch of the Week: Tamara from My Strange Addiction
In case you haven’t discovered this gem of a television series yet, it chronicles the lives of people who are addicted to the most unheard of things you could possibly imagine. Like the one episode where some broad was addicted to eating couch cushions. This is real life.

This week we met Tamara, a woman who is “addicted” to a pillow she bought in an antique shop back in the 80s. She brings it literally everywhere with her, named it “Boo,” and has never washed it. Now, I’ve got a friend who is obsessed with her blankie. It’s kinda weird but we let her live, because even if she brings it to the bar, the thing’s too small for anyone who isn’t violating her personal space to notice. But a goddamn pillow? What an inconvenience you’ve unnecessarily imposed onto your own life. I don’t even like to have to bring my own pillow on road trips and plane rides because it’s such an awkward object to carry. The disproportion of weight to surface area makes its a pain in the tits when you’ve got other objects in the mix.

I digress. Lady, ditch the bedding and grow the hell up before you quickly descend into the life of a miserable, lonely cat lady. Because no one will ever have sex with you as long as Boo is invited. No one wants two dirty old sacks of stank in their bedroom.

Dead Fish Bitch of the Week: Britney Spears
God, Brit. You pop up on this list far too often. But pulling your boyfriend up on stage for a yawn-inducing lap dance on tour could not be ignored. In New York last night, Britney decided to bring up boyfriend Jason Trawick on stage for her performance of some shitty song filled with lyrics that are supposed to make us think she’s still sexually attractive. What followed was the most awkwardly fantastic public display of a boring sex life that I’ve seen since Liza Minnelli and David Gest. Jason sat there looking… not nervous, not playful, not even embarrassed… just straight bored. The only time his facial expression even changed was when she pulled out what you know she thought was her power move and much-too-violently wrapped her thunder thighs around his neck.

Go ahead and enjoy the counter-productivity of raping the replay button on that video all day to remind yourself that at least you’re having better sex than someone.

Christina Aguilera gets carried out of Hollywood club
“With her eyes half-closed and her red lipstick smudged, Aguilera, 30, wobbled in her platform shoes as she was guided carefully to a waiting car.”

Miley Cyrus rants against Urban Outfitters
“Not only do they steal from artists but every time you give them money you help finance a campaign against gay equality.”

Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight separate
“…the couple has reached a period where those differences are no longer appreciated.”

Sean Kingston stabilized after jet ski accident
“Sean was heading west from the MacArthur Causeway and Miami Beach Islands when his personal watercraft collided with the bridge, and he and his female passenger ended up in the water.”

Rob Kardashian doesn’t know if Kim & Kris will really marry
“I just don’t feel confident because Kim has always been so like, you know, she’s, how old?”

Cheryl Cole out as British X Factor judge too
“The judges for this season of the popular British show were announced today and Cole’s name was off the list.”

Estella Warren escapes escape charge
…”officials will not go forward with the felony escape charge against Warren because she hadn’t actually been booked into the system when she made a break for it…”

Rihanna wants Chris back!?!?
“The two have been secretly meeting at a friends house to test the waters.”

Snooki hits police car escort in Italy
“No one was in serious condition, although a male and female police officer were taken to the emergency room of the local Careggi hospital to be treated for whiplash, bruises and cuts.”

Jose Canseco begs Lady Gaga to marry him
“Gaga — who has been busy promoting her new album, Born This Way – has yet to respond to Canseco’s tweets.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Lindsay Lohan wearing a bikini in an art film by Richard Phillips.

Lindsay Lohan sentenced to work at morgue
“Her duties include cleaning and maintenance, but she would not clean the actual crypts where the bodies are stored.”

Lindsay Lohan feels she’s being punished because she’s a star
“We were all in shock when she was forced to return to jail just to make an example out of her. It’s not right. Especially when she is working so hard to live a healthy life.”

Sarah Shahi calls Paris Hilton a ‘horrible excuse for a human being’
“Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign. What if there was a kid around the corner, you dumb b—-.”

Rebecca Black — I don’t wanna be ‘Friday Girl’
“I want to be a performing artist. That’s what I’ve always wanted to do.”

Christina Aguilera opens up about Super Bowl fumble
“That night I knew, I just made myself a Trivial Pursuit question.”

Eminem, Foo Fighters, Coldplay top Lollapalooza 2011 lineup
“Joining them is an appropriately eclectic mix of talent, including A Perfect Circle, Cee Lo Green, Damian “Jr. Gong” Marley and Nas, the Cars and Ween.”

Robert DeNiro takes on Donald Trump over Obama birth claims
“I won’t name names, but certain people in the news in the last couple of weeks, just, what are they doing? It’s crazy.”

CBS finally has an exit plan for Katie Couric
“…a major announcement will be made when Couric returns from covering the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.”

Bethenny Frankel: I built a $120 million empire thanks to reality TV
“I went on the show single-handedly and exclusively for business…”

Child abuse investigation in Nic Cage arrest
“Mr. Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5 year old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes with Eva Mendes at the Reebok EasyTone Apparel Launch.

JWoww stabbed me and tried to kill me, ex charges
“‘Jenni put a kitchen knife through my entire arm,’ Tom Lippolis tells Star magazine.”

Bradley Cooper not interested in dating Jennifer Aniston
“Bradley knows that by dating Jen, he’s be known as Mr. Jennifer Aniston.”

Charlie Sheen’s exes planning a dinner date
“Denise and Brooke actually had plans to get together with their kids last week, before Brooke tragically relapsed and went on a crack bender…”

Lady Gaga apologizes for “retarded” comment
“My apologies for not speaking thoughtfully. To anyone that was hurt, please know that it was furiously unintentional.”

J.Lo, ‘Idol’ creator eyeing a new show
“Lopez is teaming with Idol producer Simon Fuller and his XIX Entertainment to shop a new project to broadcast networks.”

Kirstie Alley says shes a size 6
“I bought these dresses from a [size] twelve to a two. Tonight I’m a six. When I’m a two, I’m done, people!”

Christina Aguilera is first Gay Walk of Fame inductee
“We applaud her for speaking out in favor of equality and working to support the community.”

Lily Aldridge dishes on her wedding to Caleb Followill
“My dress is gorgeous and I’m so excited to wear it. I recently got my shoes and I was jumping up and down when I put them on.”

Mel Gibson doesn’t care if he never acts again
“Who anticipates being recorded? Who anticipates that? Who could anticipate such a personal betrayal?”

Chris Klein returns for more American Pie
“Klein … joins fellow American Pie alums Jason Biggs, Seann William Scott, Eugene Levy and Alyson Hannigan.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
“Sexiest philologist in the world” Marina Orlova sports a bikini to study “Spring Fever.”

Brooke Mueller tried pawning jewelry, stereo
“Brooke was desperately trying to get cash for the two items … but the store would not make the purchase because Brooke did not have a valid I.D.”

Charlie Sheen headed back to court after ex refuses drug test
“Brooke Mueller, actor Charlie Sheen’s soon-to-be ex-wife, was ordered to undergo a drug test at her Hollywood home at 5:30 p.m. Friday but refused to provide a urine sample.”

Brooke Mueller back in rehab
“Sheen’s lawyers are going to court on Tuesday to raise the issue, and we’re told Brooke’s move is a preemptive strike.”

Dog the Bounty Hunter bails Nicolas Cage out of jail
“The reality star posted Nicolas Cage’s $11,000 bond, after the Knowing star was arrested on charges of domestic violence, disturbing the peace and public drunkenness Saturday…”

Amanda Seyfried bought a dead horse
“A lot of people think it’s weird but I don’t know why.”

Sarah Lane: Close-ups of Natalie Portman’s face don’t count as dancing
“They were trying to create this image, this facade really, that Natalie had done something extraordinary, something that’s pretty much impossible.”

Hugh Hefner invited Kendra Wilkinson to his wedding via Email
“Unlike fellow Hugh Hefner ex-girlfriend Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson never saw marrying the Playboy empresario as part of her future.”

LeAnn Rimes donates her clothes to a cash-strapped fan
“She even told Joyce that she would take care of the shipping charges even though Joyce had offered to pay the expenses.”

Christina Aguilera, Jordan Bratman’s divorced finalized
“It was beautiful while it lasted.”

Miley Cyrus not feeling the love from America, won’t tour here
“Kind of going to the places where I get the most love. Don’t want to go anywhere where I don’t feel completely comfortable with it.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Kate Upton for Beach Bunny Swimwear’s Spring Collection (pics here, here, here, and here).

Bret Michaels suing the Tony Awards for almost killing him
“Michaels has filed a lawsuit … blaming producers for not instructing him on how to safely exit the stage after his performance was over … because while he tried to exit, he was ‘smacked’ in the face by a piece of the set.”

Charlie Sheen calls Denise Richards a ‘kidnapper’ and ‘dog thief’
“Any good will that existed between Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife Denise Richards may be gone.”

Will Ferrell may join The Office cast for good
“Ferrell is confident he could fill Carell’s shoes — and already has ideas on how he’d change up the sitcom’s script.”

Mila Kunis weighs in on Black Swan, Natalie Portman controversy
“Natalie danced her ass off,” says Kunis. “I think it’s unfortunate that this is coming out and taking attention away from [the praise] Natalie deserved and got.”

Katy Perry’s mom is not happy about Katy’s act, boobs
“Katy stepped out from behind the changing doors in a tiny risqué costume. No mother wants to see the top of her daughter’s boobs…My first instinct was to order her back behind those doors and demand she put something else on.”

Raunchy Christina Aguilera pictures for sale
“Hundreds of highly intimate photographs of Christina Aguilera have surfaced, including candid images of the star partying at Nicole Richie’s bachelorette party and in bed with her boyfriend Matt Rutler.”

Sylvester Stallone to release menswear inspired by Rocky and Rambo
“Clothing is the first step to building a character. I really believe I have an understanding of the male psyche on all levels.”

Britney Spears, Ryan Seacrest to host Wango Tango Festival
“…which will feature performances from Ke$ha, Jennifer Lopez and Selena Gomez.”

Lil Wayne and Paris Hilton might record a song together
“I was gonna ask you, how are you gonna release an album and don’t get me on it?”

Reese Witherspoon got married to Jim Toth
“Wearing a custom-designed Monique Lhuillier gown, the actress, 35, exchanged vows with CAA agent Toth, 40, in front of 120 family members and friends.”

Who doesn’t want fame and fortune? Even if you don’t want one, you definitely want the other. But once you get to that point and beyond, just how much is too much? At what point does the nonstop attention and ridiculous bank account cause you to start to lose your mind a bit? Now that some of the smoke from the Charlie Sheen time bomb has settled a bit, we at Guyism got to thinking… What have some of our favorite meltdowns (both mild and major) of the rich and famous been? Here’s what we came up with.

11 Dave Chappelle
We’ll listen to any excuse he gives us, but running away to Africa and going completely MIA due to the pressure he felt from a fifty million dollar deal he received still classifies him as completely bonkers. If you get that much money thrown at you, you man up and work fifty million times harder than you were working before. You didn’t see Seth Macfarlane run for the hills when he got his 100 million dollar deal. With the Chappelle mindset, technically MacFarlane should’ve run off twice as fast (Yes. I did that math all by myself).

10 Christian Bale
Although it is dwarfed in comparison to others on this list, Christian Bale’s verbal berating of a crew member on the set of Terminator Salvation is three and half minutes of pure gold that should be revisited on a regular basis. The reason this meltdown is one of the lesser on the list is due to fellow meltdowner, Chris Brown’s expert opinion on the rant: “Yeah…I mean, Christian was mean and all, but my mother always taught me to use my fists instead of words whenever possible…I give it a 2.5.”*

*Disclaimer: Chris Brown never actually said this. I want to make that absolutely clear before he hits me.

9 Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera’s publicist has to be so thankful that her client chose to break down the same time as Charlie Sheen. For once, a major pop star’s divorce/arrest/racy leaked photo/weight gain/(insert any other embarrassing personal situation here) wasn’t front-page news. Despite all of the above, and also completely flubbing the national anthem during the most watched sporting event of the year, Aguilera still managed to land a gig as a judge on the upcoming competition American Idol wannabe, The Voice. She should send Sheen a Sparkletts truck full of Tiger Blood as a thank you immediately.

8 Chris Brown
Hot off the presses! Chris Brown, who will forever be infamous for his physical altercation with ex-girlfriend, Rihanna, snapped and trashed a dressing room over at Good Morning America just this week for being asked questions about… his physical altercation with ex-girlfriend, Rihanna. Apparently, Brown was “angry” about being asked about the thing he’s the best known for… his anger. Clearly the best way to prove to people that you are not violent is by smashing things.

7 Michael Richards
Oh Kramer… say it ain’t so! Everyone’s favorite wacky next door neighbor completely lost in on stage and went on a racist rant that has gone down in viral video infamy. He’s since awkwardly apologized publicly, as well as poked fun at the incident on Curb Your Enthusiasm, which I guess is the only way you can deal with such an incident. On the plus side, I bet after seeing the video, Mel Gibson bought tickets to all of his upcoming shows.

6 David Hasselhoff
How many of us have had the kind of week where all we want to do is get completely wasted, collapse on the floor, and absolutely devour a cheeseburger? We get it. We’ve been there. It’s just probably best not to do it when you’re a celebrity. Or when you’re around your children. Or you’re a recovering alcoholic. Or if camera phones have been invented. Or if YouTube exists. On the bright side, this is the most entertaining on-camera work that Hasselhoff has ever been a part of.

5 Randy Quaid
I guess of all the people on this list, Randy Quaid looks the part the most. I also use the term “celebrity” loosely on this one because I’m not sure if co-starring in 27 National Lampoon’s Vacation movies actually qualifies you as one. Along with his wife, Quaid has fled to Canada, not only to avoid felony charges on a $500,000 bench warrant in the U.S., but more importantly to avoid the “Star Whackers” – a group of assassins that he claims are taking out celebrities left and right. He even wrote and performed a song named after the group, which is obviously the best thing you can do when trying to remain anonymous and lay low. Here is your opportunity to watch a melodious meltdown live on stage:

4 Lindsay Lohan
It’s funny. All of the signs that the press claimed were “warning” signs during Lindsay’s meltdown are all of the signs we look for when picking up a girl at a bar. Venturing out sans underwear? Check. Partying a little too hard then she probably should be? Check. Making out with girls? Jackpot! The kleptomania might be a little much though. Make sure all of your stuff is bolted to the floor before you take this mess home with you.

3 Britney Spears
When one of the hottest women on the planet somehow ends up looking like Moby, I think it’s safe to say the girl has cracked. While Charlie Sheen’s weapon of choice was a machete, Britney chose to show off her freshly shaved head by waving an umbrella at paparazzi. You can’t blame her though. Anyone who had to listen to Kevin Federline rap for more than 30 seconds would easily snap and do the same.

2 Mel Gibson
Mel only recently got bumped to the #2 spot. If Charlie Sheen’s antics weren’t so damn lovable, Mel’s racist and misogynistic rants would still be basking in the glow of the #1 spot. He also loses a couple of points because in most of the recordings, it’s sometimes hard to make out exactly what he’s saying since his voice tends to get muffled while he’s wearing his hood.

1 Charlie Sheen
Of course he’s #1 on this list. Sheen has solidified himself as a pop culture icon with this most recent of celebrity meltdowns. The dude is clearly beyond nuts, but for some reason, he’s a lovable nut. Show me another celebrity who completely flipped out and turned it into a financial gain. Everyone is on the Charlie Sheen bandwagon right now. His tour has sold out and will net him at least seven million dollars. The other day, even my Grandma ended a 16 minute long story about a quiche she made with “Duh, winning!”. With lucrative business opportunities coming at him left and right, the man’s successfully upped the ante for celebrity meltdowns. Can’t wait to see who’s next.

ABC won’t press charges against Chris Brown
“That’s especially good news for CB — because he’s currently on probation for beating up Rihanna … and could have faced prison time if the judge violated his probation on grounds he committed vandalism.”

Brown will still appear on Dancing With The Stars
“Despite Chris Brown’s backstage outburst at the Good Morning America studios on Tuesday … the singer still will appear on another ABC show next week.”

Actress Elizabeth Taylor died at age 79
“Though she had recently suffered a number of complications, her condition had stabilized and it was hoped that she would be able to return home. Sadly, this was not to be.”

Paris Hilton hates black people
“We were making out, but then we went somewhere where it was bright and I saw that he was black and made an excuse and left. I can’t stand black guys. I would never touch one. It’s gross.”

Meet Charlie Sheen’s new Goddess, Megan Levant (PHOTOS)
“She reportedly met Charlie at the Playboy Mansion a while back, and has established herself as quite the party girl in the Hollywood scene…”

What the hell happened to Fergie’s face?
“A cosmetic surgeon breaks down what work the Black Eyed Peas front woman could have had done to her mug.”

Christina Aguilera has joined Twitter
As of Wednesday morning, the @TheRealXtina had accumulated more than 42,000 followers on the social networking site.

Justin Bieber, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj to release a Japan aid album
“While the entire lineup isn’t finalized just yet, U2 and Bon Jovi and Lady Gaga are all said to be in talks to contribute.”

Lindsay Lohan visits seven night clubs in four days
“A prosecutor could very well collect evidence that Lohan’s been frequenting these places as grounds for a probation violation or having her bail revoked, which could lead to jail time.’

Selena Gomez planning a Britney Spears tribute for her tour
“The tribute will look to the past and to the future in terms of Spears’ discography, Gomez teased.”

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Joining the long list of the recently single Ashley Greene broke up with Joe Jonas. I told you she was underrated.

— Kelly Brook is pregnant. You win some, you lose some.

— Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger also split up. After dating for nearly two years. Her magic spell must have expired.

— Alexa Nikolas might be the one leaking the Vanessa Hudgens nude photos. So says some random emailer.

— Speaking of leaked nude pics, apparently there is a good chance we’re going to get more since it is also being reported that Vanessa’s pics are the result of hackers. Supposedly 50 different celeb accounts have been compromised including those of Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Scarlett Johansson, Miley Cyrus, Emma Caulfield, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead.

— Cee Lo Green says he’s nailing two or three chicks a night. He really takes his song title literally doesn’t he?

— Ryan Reynolds isn’t having any trouble getting over the loss of Scarlett Johansson.

— Usher and his ex-wife Tameka Raymond have a sex tape coming out. Maybe.

— Paris Hilton got breast implants when she was just 14. Her mother made her take them out though. Way to be a proactive parent.

— Christina Aguilera’s hit Ain’t No Other Man might sound familiar to you, but that could just be because the beat was lifted from another song without permission.

— Katy Perry’s mom is writing a book, but it’s not a Katy Perry tell-all. She says it’s about herself. Riiiiiight.

— Dennis Haysbert, who starred in Major League with Charlie Sheen, claims Charlie’s completely delusional about a Major League sequel.

— Andrew “Dice” Clay has become the voice of reason regarding everything Charlie Sheen. Well, okay, not really. He’s also a little batshit.

– And did you know that Sheen invented a pivoting Chapstick lid and trademarked an anti-drug slogan? The man just never stops giving.

— Mel Gibson’s mug shot looks totally not like a serial killer.

— Here’s a shocker: Michael Lohan’s ex-fiancee has accused him of punching her girlfriend in the face.

— Sandra Bullock gave $1,000,000 to Japan. I have no joke here. That was just nice.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the geniuses over at Sports Illustrated and features none other than our new favorite bikini model Kate Upton. Did you expect anyone else?

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Jessica Biel is officially single again as she and Justin Timberlake have ended their ‘relationship.’ There are no hard feelings,” said a source. Hehe, they said “hard.”

— Audrina Patridge also now single again having broke up with Corey Bohan… again.

— Jessica Simpson was drunk… again.

— Scarlett Johansson is still dating Sean Penn. No, really.

— In Justin Bieber news, he “attacked” a female paparazzo last week at a 7-11 in Hollywood. The kid is just out of control.

— Lady Gaga is not happy with a London ice cream shop selling breast milk ice cream called Baby Gaga. Yes, because how dare someone do something shocking and try to profit off it. Who so they think they are?!

— Richard Grieco wants Charlie Sheen’s role on Two and a Half Men. In other news Richard Grieco still exists.

— Charlie and Brooke Mueller finally reached an agreement about custody of their twin boys.

— Sheen is also suing (for himself and on behalf of the Two and a Half Men crew) for $100 million. Is there a judge in the world that will take this case? Oh yeah. California. Never mind.

— Lindsay Lohan rejected a plea deal this week and will go to trial for her felony theft case. Some are still saying that she could serve time, but we all know that’s never going to happen.

— Speaking of fun female celebs, Christina Aguilera is “fall-down wasted nearly every night” a source tells Us magazine. And we think Charlie Sheen might not be the best parent.

— Chris Brown has had enough of apologizing for beating the hell out of Rihanna, calling the event a “mishap.”

— Miley Cyrus is texting guys again. You know how this one’s going to end, don’t you?

— Speaking of Miley and LiLo, Lindsay was very upset with Saturday Night Live for the impression Miley Cyrus did of her last week. She even wrote a letter to Lorne Michaels about it. I wonder if she used the red or the blue crayon.

— And finally, Britney Spears wanted to be a lawyer. Chew on that one for awhile.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the fine folks over at Intimissimi Lingerie who, as we all know (right?) have Irina Shayk as the face of their franchise. And by face, I of course mean smokin’ hot body.

Celebrity gossip items (other than Charlie Sheen news) you may have missed this week…

— Anne Hathaway made $750,000 on Oscar night. Gwyneth Paltrow made $500,000. For wearing jewelry. Seriously.

— It’s also been reported that Anne allegedly grew to hate James Franco during rehearsals for the Academy Awards. Wow, you would never have known it. They were such a great pair!

— Mila Kunis was doing a whole lot of flirting with Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers at a party after the Oscars. Yes, Aaron Rodgers was at an Oscars party. Jay Cutler was apparently too much of a pussy to attend.

— Justin Bieber turned 17 on Tuesday and went to dinner with his girlfriend Selena Gomez. Normal, right? Yes, until you find out that a female Bieber allegedly fan punched Selena in the face (which she denies despite holding her head and crying).

— Robert Pattinson says that dating Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart is very traumatic. Understandable. Just watching her is hard enough.

— Paula Abdul is doing great since leaving Idol. And by doing great I mean accusing her boyfriend of kidnapping her on Valentine’s Day.

— Michael Lohan joined the cast of Celebrity Rehab without telling his daughter Lindsay first and that really made her mad. Because? Because that’s what they do.

— Madonna is a douchebag. I can call a woman a douchebag, right?

— Scarlett Johansson took an overnight trip to Cabo San Lucas with Sean Penn. She’s 26, he’s 50. Playa.

— Mike Huckabee basically called Natalie Portman a slut for getting knocked up.

— Katie Holmes has filed a $50 million libel lawsuit against Star Magazine. Because Tom told her to.* (*Not really, but probably.)

— Victoria Beckham has no need for handicapped people and their “special” parking spaces.

— Christina Aguilera: The Mugshot.

— And finally, Kacey Jordan won the porn star pageant on The Howard Stern Show. Maybe Charlie Sheen does know what he’s doing after all.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the fine people over at FHM and features the one and only Kylie Bisutti doing lots of fun things in very little clothing. Winning!

Now I am no policeman, but if you are riding in a car with someone who gets pulled over for DUI, exactly what law did you break? Unless there was more to the story. Like her being a royal pain in the ass to cops maybe.

Law enforcement sources tell us Aguilera appeared to be “extremely intoxicated” and was “unable to take care of herself.”

However, the source adds, “If the driver had NOT been arrested for DUI, [Christina] would have never been in trouble.”

Sources close to Xtina tell us they have been trying to get the singer into a rehab program for weeks.

The most unbelievable part of all this is that the the booking report had Xtina listed at 5’2″, 100 pounds. Yes, and I also believe in the tooth fairy. (Did you see her perform on The Grammys?)

If this kind of behavior keeps up Aguilera’s ex-husband Jordan Bratman might not have to move out of their house after all.

Christina Aguilera and Boyfriend — Arrested [TMZ]

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Olivia Munn is now dating that guy from Glee. In other news, that guy from Glee is apparently not gay.

— Mariah Carey’s sister is a hooker. Sort of.

— Christina Aguilera had sex in a bathroom. She should totally hook up with Charlie Sheen and compare career plans.

— Did Pete Wentz have a prescription drug addiction that ultimately led to Ashlee Simpson filing for divorce? Sure, why not.

— Reports indicate that Lindsay Lohan may be looking at six months in jail for her latest escapade. If that actually happens I will run naked down Sunset Boulevard.

— I feel pretty safe in that bet because if THIS didn’t land Chris Brown in jail there’s no way LiLo serves any time.

— WARNING: DO NOT f*ck with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

— At least Lindsay isn’t getting turned away from parties now. What’s that?

— Chad Ochocinco was banging his DWTS partner Cheryl Burke while the two were paired up.

— Speaking of Rihanna, apparently Colin Farrell is the luckiest man on earth at the moment.

— George Clooney says he’s banged too many chicks, smoked too much weed to run for office. Frankly I think those are the reasons he SHOULD run for office.

— Cameron Diaz is a big fan of porn. Just in case you were wondering.

— Alyssa Milano is really pregnant. I just had to see it to believe it.

— Kanye West’s thoughts on abortion are, um, interesting?

— In news of the crazy, Irina Shayk was getting complaints about not having curtains in her apartment. Yes, because who wants to see what Irina Shayk does in the privacy of her home anyway?

— And in terribly sad news, Irina Shayk apparently doesn’t regularly shave her legs. Click at your own peril.

— And finally, Glee’s Brittany and Santana are set to do more lesbian scenes. I may have to watch that show after all.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from Emporio Armani who still thinks Megan Fox is marketable when used properly. And oh boy did they ever use her properly.

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Adrianne Palicki has been cast as the new Wonder Woman. I must say that I approve.

— Jessica Alba’s pregnant again. Why?

— Christina Aguilera’s ex-husband is finally moving out of their house. To never be heard from again…

— Good news, fanboys! Emma Watson is going to grow her hair back out. Send out the alert.

— Charlie Sheen might be his Kacey Jordan’s baby daddy. Or not. I’m not sure which party is more believable in this one.

— Maybe Charlie can just call The Dan Patrick Show back when the news is official.

— Remember that stupid egg Lady Gaga arrived in at the Grammys? Apparently she spent 72 hours in that thing. Too bad it didn’t ‘accidentally’ get sealed up while she was in there.

— Apparently now JWoww has decided that doing Playboy would be okay. Makes sense when you realize that she thinks her gravy train is about to come to an end.

— Kate Moss was drunk, horny and in a sex shop. In other words, just a day in the life.

— Frankie Muniz put a gun to his head during a fight with his girlfriend. He did not pull the trigger. You figure out the sad part of this story.

— Jennifer Love Hewitt should really be running her own dating service. Maybe JLove can hook up with Frankie Muniz.

— Billy Ray Cyrus is scared for Miley and wishes Hannah Montana never happened. Hahahaha! Riiiiight!! Oh, he was being serious. My bad.

— Can someone please just lock Lindsay Lohan away already?

— And finally, the Kardashians made $65 million last year. You may commence harakiri now.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from, guess who, Sports Illustrated. I figured it was only appropriate since they saw how I smart I was pimping all those hot Alyssa Miller pics (as well as Kate Upton pics) lately and decided to slap some body paint on Alyssa for their annual sex, I mean swimsuit, issue.

I hope she brought a jacket or she could catch a cold in that outfit...

Awards season is officially in full swing now that the music people are also involved after holding their annual celebration of themselves at the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards Sunday night. While I find it hard to stomach all the sucking up and narcissism that happens when these gatherings take place I am appreciative of the fact that many of the people who go to these things are sexy women wearing body-hugging outfits. Of course, last night was no exception. A few of those ladies in attendance, looking all hot and swanky were (in order below): Ciara, Kelly Osbourne, Hayley Williams, Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, Dianna Agron, Miranda Lambert, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez, Kim Kardashian, Julianne Hough, and Lea Michele, and Pauley Perrette.

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Olivia Wilde is now single again after eight years of marriage… to an Italian prince. I truly have no shot with her, do I?

— Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz also filed for divorce. Gotta say this one isn’t shocking me.

— Katy Perry and Russell Brand are already in marriage counseling. Still not shocking me.

— Speaking of Katy Perry, it seems that she is now complaining about having big boobs as a teen. Boo. Frickin’. Hoo.

— Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz were caught kissing on a boat in Miami. Who’s Eduardo Cruz again?

— Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are reportedly going to be engaged soon. How someone knows this is beyond me, but it isn’t going to help Jay’s loveability factor in Chi-town.

— Speaking of athletes and their ladies, skateboarding legend Tony Hawk is sleeping with his best friend’s wife.

— Speaking of wives, Diane Kruger doesn’t believe in marriage.

— JWoww has a new book out.

— Minka Kelly is very smart and well-spoken.

— Lindsay Lohan was in court again. This time for ‘borrowing’ some jewelry. Here’s a shocker: She got bail despite her DUI probation being revoked. Viva la justice system!

— Jennifer Aniston banned Heidi Montag from a movie premiere (a movie Heidi appeared in). That almost makes me like Jennifer Aniston again. (UPDATE: Annd now I don’t like her again.)

— And finally, if you thought Christina Aguilera singing the national anthem was bad, well, there’s a good reason for that: she’s a wee bit crazy.

— Oh well, at least Xtina has Sarah Palin in her corner.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the fine people over at FHM and features Vikki Blows (my favorite model name in the world) in her “smalls”, as they put it (silly Brits).

You can see more of Vikki Blows and the 100 Sexiest Women at FHM.com.

And they say that local news is pointless. We got to find out that three random guys who appear to have been dragged out of the local adult film theatre’s matinée showing of “Girls Having Sex in the Butt” all have different thoughts about a performer whose best days are long behind her. Where else would you get such insightful coverage?

That said, I would not be shocked if Tram Mai were violently choked off-camera by our disappointed husky friend with the sunglasses on his head.

There are probably three women on Earth who’ve seen that face. One was a girl who laughed when she was asked to prom, the second was a judgmental prostitute, and the third is currently sitting at home with sunglasses and a hat on as he calls her “Mother” and asks if he “did good today” then replies to his own question in his best matronly female voice.

UPDATE: We erroneously reported this was NBC 12 in Virginia and reporter Yvette Yeon. A commenter informed us it’s actually NBC 12 in Phoenix and Tram Mai, which checks out. We strive to do better with both our NBC 12 and bitchy Asian female reporter coverage in the future.

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Miley Cyrus was named the worst celebrity influence in America. In other Miley news, she also got another tattoo. Wouldn’t want to lose that ranking in 2012.

— In news that should shock literally no one, it appears there may be a Charlie Sheen sex tape. Frankly, I’d be more shocked if there was just one.

— Charlie also may or may not have any of his own teeth left in his head. Eh, but he looks good without teeth. Happy even.

— Oh yeah, he also uses porn stars as babysitters. Pretty much like every good, normal dad does.

— Lindsay Lohan stole a $2,500 necklace. I mean borrowed.

— Kim Kardashian actually cried over the nude body paint photos that appeared recently in W magazine. Apparently she didn’t understand what was going on when she stripped naked and someone applied paint to her entire body then had her pose for the photographs. Idiot.

— Jennifer Lopez is already being a diva (read: bitch) on the set of American Idol.

— Jordan Bratman still won’t move out of his house with Christina Aguilera. Can you blame him? I’d chain myself to something in that house if I was him because he ain’t never gonna do any better than that.

— Jeff Goldblum is an evil wizard.

— Cyndi Lauper is looking hot, hot, hot.

— Heather Graham is a very stable, well-adjusted person.

— Justin Timberlake may have had sex with Mila Kunis. Then again, I don’t believe he ever had sex with Jessica Biel, so take that news for what it’s worth.

— Halle Berry apparently has a bit of a Mel Gibson streak in her according to her ex-boyfriend Gabriel Aubry.

— And finally, Slash’s wife Perla Ferrar kicked a woman in the stomach while backstage at a concert. Ah, the joys of marriage…

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the fine folks at VIP magazine and features lesser-known, but completely hot Brazilian bikini model Ellen Rocche. As you will see, she really should be more famous.