Even famous people get old. They do their best to disguise this from you via plastic surgery, incredibly expensive skin cream containing stem cells from ground up homeless babies, and other assorted arcane beauty rituals too terrible and horrifying to describe here. Some of them are so good at ]]>

Even famous people get old. They do their best to disguise this from you via plastic surgery, incredibly expensive skin cream containing stem cells from ground up homeless babies, and other assorted arcane beauty rituals too terrible and horrifying to describe here. Some of them are so good at this that no one really realizes they’ve gotten old until they fall and break a hip or end up on the Oscars telecast the next year in the “In Memoriam” part of the show. And then everyone turns to their friends and says “Damn, who knew?” Who knew, indeed. Well, you will, thanks to this handy little guide we’ve put together of 15 famous folks who are older than you think.

15 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Age: 51


Yes, that’s right, Elaine from Seinfeld is the same age as your mother. The good news is that now all your creepy Elaine fantasies (I know you have them you degenerate animals) will also include her cutting the crusts off your sandwiches and doing your laundry on weekends. The bad news is that after having one of these fantasies you will need either years of intense therapy or a power drill to stick in your ear if you don’t have health insurance. So, uh, have fun with that.

14 Ralph Macchio
Age: 50


Yup, the Karate Kid is 50. Ralph Macchio is 50. 50. Sorry, just trying to wrap my head around that. To be fair, he looks surprisingly good for his age. I mean, given the way his career went you would figure that he would look like a methed out version of Skeletor by now or like Mickey Rourke’s ballsack. But nope, he still has that boyish face that made every dude who knew karate on multiple continents want to terrorize him. I’m just saying, sure Mr. Miyagi is dead but with today’s new hologram technology, they could totally pull off another Karate Kid flick. Yeah, it would kinda sad and embarrassing but so is Battleship and they still made that shit.

13 Denzel Washington
Age: 57


Denzel Washington seems like he’s almost ageless, doesn’t he? He’s one of those rare actors where age is just never an issue. That’s why he can get away with playing the same character over a twenty year span like he did in American Gangster without it being weird. That’s also why no one probably realizes he’s only a few short years away from getting the senior citizen discount at the movie theater or eating dinner at four o’clock in the afternoon. I’m sure the ravages of time will start to show up sooner or later but for now, Denzel just has one of those faces that just never seems to change, which is why I’m guessing that he’ll still play the lead role in the Nick Cannon biopic in 2045 after Nick Cannon becomes infamous for drowning Mariah Carey in a bathtub sometime in the next thirty years. You know I’m right. About all of it.

12 Madonna
Age: 53


Madonna is still desperately hanging onto her image as a sex icon with her lizard-like talons and because of that everyone still thinks of her in those terms but really, the next time she tries to hump a stage in a wedding dress she’ll probably just end up breaking her hip. Perhaps the time has come to applaud her just for staying buff into her fifties instead of mocking her for her gaunt, ropey physique. I mean, after all, she could probably kick my ass and most of yours too. To be fair, she’s able to stay ahead of the game by sucking the life essence from everyone around her, kinda like the Mummy but still, goddamn, those arms are like the arms of a Terminator. I’m not sure whether this means we need Brendan Fraser or John Connor to defeat her in the end but for now, let’s just all agree to stay out of her way.

11 William Shatner
Age: 81


Shatner kinda has that weird Betty White thing going on where no matter how old he gets we still think of him as sort of ageless. Sure, we know he’s old but if you asked 100 people how old they think Shatner is, I’m guessing only a tiny, tiny percentage would guess that he’s actually over 80. Leonard Nimoy is easier to peg because his head and face increasingly look like a statue from Easter Island as he gets old, but Shatner? He seems like he’s perpetually in his early 60s, right? But he’s actually 81 which means we all have to start preparing for a world in which Captain Kirk boldly goes where, well, everyone eventually goes: the mortuary.

10 Tom Cruise
Age: 49


It’s not so much that Tom Cruise is 49 years old – I think people would accept that number, at least on the surface – but it’s that in only a couple of months Tom Cruise will turn 50, and well, I don’t think people are ready to live in a world in which Tom Cruise is 50. There is just something about that that feels… wrong. I think it’s because he hasn’t really seemed like he’s aged all that much since playing Maverick in Top Gun. I mean, yeah, his face is a bit more weathered but let’s give credit where credit is due – the man might actually be a vampire. He’s like some unholy combo of Lestat, Maverick and Xenu: Warrior Princess. He might never actually die. Damn, maybe we all should get the ol’ Thetans flushed out.

9 Julianne Moore
Age: 51


Julianne Moore didn’t really become famous until she was in her 30s so it shouldn’t really be a huge surprise that she has pushed past 50. But still, does she really look much different now than she did in Boogie Nights? No, which is all the more impressive when you consider that most people with her skin tone and hair color (Species: Gingerus Americanus) start to look like the old Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade after he sips out of the wrong Grail as they get older. Sure, she doesn’t exactly look young but she sure as hell doesn’t look old either. Maybe the Fountain of Youth was really in Marky Mark’s pants the whole time? Who knew?

8 Johnny Depp
Age: 49


Like with Tom Cruise the idea of Johnny Depp being 50 seems incongruous at the very least. At the most, it’s an idea which seems completely batshit nuts like the sky being made out of hot dogs or Snooki being named the new Surgeon General. There’s no way Johnny Depp can be 50, right? Well get ready because in only a few short weeks, the dude is going to hit that milestone. I suggest we all celebrate it by moving to France and banging supermodels and smoking out of ostentatious cigarette holders while we laugh and swim in a pile of money. It’s what he would want and who are we to deny his birthday wishes? Fine, I’ll do it for all of us. You’re welcome, world. You’re welcome.

7 Tom Skerritt
Age: 79


That’s right, Maverick’s mentor is almost 80 years old now. I guess it makes sense when you consider that Top Gun was made over 25 years ago now and even in that, Skerritt was kind of an oldster. But still, you’re never really prepared for when someone you watched as a kid turns out to be knockin’ on heaven’s door, you know? Sure, sure, there’s the occasional heroin related accident or – in probably Val Kilmer’s case – the occasional ham sandwich related accident that sends them riding to Valhalla on their spirit horse but old age? Man, that just bums me out. I refuse to let any of the actors I watched as a child get any older. Goddammit, this article is starting to depress me…

6 Jennifer Tilly
Age: 53


That big boobed poker playing lady that you can’t stop lusting after? Yeah, she’s the same age as your mom. Think about THAT the next time you’re pawing at yourself at 2:00 AM, half-drunk, watching poker on the Travel Channel while she wins hand after hand using only the power of her magical Two-Pair. Just remember that she is probably spending the winnings on Polly-Grip and Werther’s Originals. Either that or… or… sorry, I got distracted there. Are we sure those, er I mean she, yeah… she, is 53? Really? Screw it, I’m all in.

5 Samuel L. Jackson
Age: 63


Sam Jackson is 63 years old. Just think about that for a moment and let it sink in before we continue. The man – and Sam Jackson is most definitely The Man – is already at the age where he can start getting discounts for being an old geezer. And yet, there he is, playing Nick Fury on the big screen and sweet-talking his phone in TV commercials. It’s a testament to how badass Sam Jackson really is that when that commercial airs, the possibility at least exists that he’s thawing the icy heart of that robot vixen Siri with his talk of hot Gazpacho, right? I mean, how many 63 year-old men do you know who could pull that off? Hell, how many 63 year-old men do you know who can even operate an iPhone without having a stroke or accidentally blowing something up? And yet, there’s Samuel L. Jackson, sweet-talking Siri while making Gazpacho and no one says a goddamn thing. Now that’s a man for whom age is utterly meaningless.

4 Chuck Norris
Age: 72


Chuck Norris is such a badass that… well, actually no he’s not. He’s a 72 year-old man who probably can’t eat anything more firm than applesauce, who probably has to wear a diaper on long car rides and who fretted like an old maid until Sly Stallone agreed to soften The Expendables II until it was a Chuck Norris-approved PG-13 rated family friendly film. What a hard ass! No, but really, it’s kind of amazing that people still think that Chuck Norris could break anything other than his own hip after skipping out on his calcium supplements. You may think he’s a badass, but the dude is old as dirt.

3 Sigourney Weaver
Age: 62


When people think of Sigourney Weaver they think of her as the badass warrior chick who put the beat-down on those freaky aliens. What they don’t think about is a lady who in less than a decade will probably be sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch, her liver-spotted hands knitting a quilt for those dear aliens the next time they come to visit her. Okay fine, perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration but you can’t deny that you were pretty surprised when you saw that she was in her 60s, now can you? Don’t lie to me. It’s unbecoming. Still, like Madonna, I’m guessing she could still kick most of our asses and I’m guessing half of you would still get an erection while she was doing so. I apologize, this got weird, but again, don’t even try to lie to me.

2 Sean Connery
Age: 81


Sure, I think we all know that Sean Connery is kinda old, but in our heads we still picture him as strong and virile, James Bond in his retirement years, still crushing ass and sipping martinis. But look at that picture. That’s not just an old man, that’s an OLD man. That’s crushing up pills in the applesauce and sipping Metamucil old. The spirit of Bond has clearly left him and in its place is a dude who’s older than my grandpa – and not nearly as energetic. And my grandpa is dead. And now so is my mental image of the original Bond. Hell, the only time you’ll probably ever hear him utter that name now is when he’s saying the following: “Bond… Gold Bond. Yes, that’s right, Gold Bond Powder. I need it for my diaper rash…”

1 Harrison Ford
Age: 69


In less than a year, Harrison Ford will be 70 years old. Now, I don’t know about you but I am not prepared for a world in which Han Solo and Indiana Jones are in their 70s. That’s just an awful thought, wrong and horrible. I mean, on an intellectual level, I think we get it – after all, the dude was 35 years old when the first Star Wars came out and like me, I’m guessing a lot of you weren’t even born when that happened – but on an emotional level… nope, not ready for it. We all reeled when the dude was in his 50s and we sort of shook our head and tried to pretend that it wasn’t true when he was in his 60s but there’s no ignoring 70. There just isn’t. I mean, that’s even older than Ronald Reagan was when he was elected President and I think we can all agree that dude was OLD. Try to imagine Ronald Reagan playing Indiana Jones in 1981. You can’t do it, can you? At least not without laughing. But that’s where we find ourselves today with Harrison Ford, which is such a depressing thought that there was no way anyone else could have been number one on this list.

The first Expendables was good. The second one is going to be great. If you disagree, I’ll have your balls. While the initial movie had a great cast, it could have been way more over the top. With action stars of this caliber, you owe it to the audience to ]]>

The first Expendables was good. The second one is going to be great. If you disagree, I’ll have your balls. While the initial movie had a great cast, it could have been way more over the top. With action stars of this caliber, you owe it to the audience to pack every scene with furious violence and wisecracks. Anything else is an insult to our sensibilities. That’s why it’s so nice to see the new trailer for Expendables 2 drop chock-full of crazy-ass destruction. Opens August 17th.

Makes sense really. Because it takes one aging, internet relic to know another.

Generally speaking, stuff that used to be hot, but is no longer the cast, will often resort to certain standbys to win back attention or relevancy, like cashing in on internet memes. Though most, if not all, ]]>

Makes sense really. Because it takes one aging, internet relic to know another.

Generally speaking, stuff that used to be hot, but is no longer the cast, will often resort to certain standbys to win back attention or relevancy, like cashing in on internet memes. Though most, if not all, are far from fresh.

Can’t be helped; aside from the rapid fire pace in which new gags are borne, and old ones discarded, advertising execs in general are clueless as it pertains to “what the kids of today are into.”

The product or service usually as little to do with the web as well, hence why such poor timing is somewhat expected, since no one involved has a clue, nor should in many instances. Which is why the following is particularly sad, even pathetic…

Sorry, but as you can perhaps tell, I found the whole Chuck Norris “thing” unfunny when it was all the rage originally, and can’t say my opinion has changed a single bit. Not sure what’s worse, the commercial itself, or all the lame ass attempts at YouTube commenters to keep that tired gag rolling.

To clarify: I have no problems with Norris, just the joke. Though not everyone is as easily entertained, also via the comments it’s gotten. Yet I will come to the defense of those who are pointing out how old looking he is. Well duh; the man’s 71, and for that age, he looks in mighty fine shape. Almost as good as Regis!

Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes you forget to close the gas cap on your car or you forget to give the teller back her pen at the bank, and sometimes you forget to wrap your junk up and end up trying to avoid the mother of your bastard child and ]]>

Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes you forget to close the gas cap on your car or you forget to give the teller back her pen at the bank, and sometimes you forget to wrap your junk up and end up trying to avoid the mother of your bastard child and her persistent attorneys. It happens. But when famous people make mistakes, the whole world ends up knowing about it –- eventually, anyway. And enough famous people have made that age old mistake of not properly sheathing their sword that we thought we’d take a look at some of these famous deadbeat dads. Why? Cheap content? Perhaps. Or maybe, just maybe, we here at Guyism believe in a better world, and that children everywhere should have the right to know their fathers. Yeah… that’s it. Unless of course, one of us happens to be that father, in which case, we would tell you the same thing we told the judge: that bitch is lying, your honor! Ahem, anyway, let’s just get on with this, our look at nine famous men who fathered love children.

9 Steven Tyler
Way back in the day –- waaaaaay back –- that weird old lady from American Idol used to be a rock star. Really! And not just a rock star but the lead singer for Aerosmith, considered by many to be the American version of the Rolling Stones. Naturally, Steven Tyler took advantage of his rock god status to have sex with as many women as he possibly could. It is the American dream, after all. So, really, it was only a matter of time before Tyler knocked up one (or two, or three, or…) of his conquests. It just so happens that the woman he impregnated was a model named Bebe Buell –- who was also famous for shacking up with rocker Todd Rundgren -– and nine months after they banged like monkeys in heat, a little girl named Liv arrived on the scene. Since Buell was with Rundgren, she decided to just raise the child with him while Steven was busy gallivanting across the world with Joe Perry, a clown car full of heroin and a tour bus full of exotic whores. Smart choice. But all it took was a backstage visit by the young Liv to realize the truth about her famous father and it wasn’t long before she became famous herself, as actress Liv Tyler. Today, the two seem to have a good, genuine father-daughter relationship, which I’m sure is helped immeasurably by the fact that they can share a wardrobe and that Steven, as an old lady himself now, understands what it’s like to be a single woman in this topsy-turvy world.

8 Chuck Norris
If you believe everything you read on the Internet -– and really, why wouldn’t you –- Chuck Norris can do literally anything and everything. Except for buying condoms, anyway. Indeed. It would seem that way back in 1962, while serving in the air force, Norris cheated on his wife and the result was a little girl named Dina. Of course, by the time the little girl was born, Norris had karate kicked the girl’s mother to the curb so it wasn’t until 1991 that Norris, who is deeply religious, found out that he had a love child after Dina wrote to him. To his credit, Norris embraced the girl –- well, woman actually -– and according to him she is very much a part of his life. It’s a good thing, though, that Chuck isn’t the sort to tell other people how to live their lives up on his moral high horse, or else that would be really, really awkward. Oh wait…

7 Gavin Rossdale
Rossdale, the lead singer for the band Bush –- although you might know him better today as Mr. Gwen Stefani -– had a quickie with a friend of his named Pearl Lowe. Awww, that’s nice. Well, except for the fact that Lowe was already in a relationship with some other dude. Oops. When a baby showed up, Lowe assumed that her boyfriend was the father and went on thinking that until she realized that her little girl seemed a little, uh, too Rossdaleish (Rossdaley? Rossdalesque?) One paternity test later and Rossdale found out that he was a deadbeat dad. Years later, that little girl grew up to be a fashion model by the name of Daisy Lowe and Rossdale was forced to explain to his new wife that, when it came to him and Pearl, there had been a lack of adequate Chemicals Between Us and that he wished that she would have just Swallowed instead. Jesus, I’m sorry, that was terrible. As jokes go, I probably should have aborted that one. Eh? Eh? Sigh.

6 Strom Thurmond
This one is just hilarious/terrible, depending on how awful a person you are. Yes, it would seem that Strom Thurmond, noted segregationist, had fathered a child way back in 1925 with a black teenage housekeeper. Apparently, ol’ Strom was a proponent of keeping all thing black and white separate with the notable exception of his penis and her vagina. Wait, it gets better/worse. Not only did Thurmond knock up the family housekeeper, the poor girl was only sixteen at the time! So, not only did Strom knock up an underage family employee, he then spent the rest of his life campaigning for laws which would have made it illegal for his own daughter to share the same drinking fountain as him. What a great guy! The poor teenaged housekeeper’s sister took the baby to live with her in Pennsylvania, eventually tracking Strom down in 1941, when his baby daughter was now a sixteen year-old girl herself. Strom then apparently acknowledged that the girl was his daughter before spending the next 60 plus years of his life pretending that she didn’t exist. Again, what a great guy!

5 Julius Erving
Dr. J was world famous for his dazzling dunks and for being one of the NBA’s premier superstars in the late 70’s/early 80’s, but when he wasn’t scoring on the court, he was busy scoring in the bedroom. During one of these encounters, with reporter Samantha Stevenson, he accidentally fathered a baby girl. I imagine it went a little something like this:

Samantha: “Julius, you should probably get a condom.”

Dr. J: “You can trust me, baby, I’m a doctor”

Ahem. Sorry. While that conversation may not have actually happened, the key thing we can take away from that is that, no, she most definitely should not have trusted him because nine months later, she found herself a single mother. For his part, Erving was noble enough to financially support the baby girl while she was growing up but he refused to publically acknowledge her -– at least until she became a tennis star and reached the semi-finals at Wimbledon in 1999. It was then, in a telephone conversation with the Associated Press, that Dr. J admitted for the first time publically that he was indeed the father of Alexandra Stevenson.

4 John Edwards
Everyone knows by now that John Edwards, former Senator and Presidential candidate had a love child. But a look at the details reveals a sordid and depraved mess. Apparently, John Edwards began an affair with a former campaign worker named Rielle Hunter, all while his wife was busy dealing with the fact that she, you know, had cancer, which she later died from. What a guy! The National Enquirer, in a series of reports beginning in October of 2007, revealed the details of the affair and claimed that Edwards was the father of Hunter’s child. Edwards denied these reports and then later admitted to the affair but continued to deny that he was the father. Another campaign aide, Andrew Young, then stepped up and claimed he was the father, but he then quickly rescinded that admission and went on to claim that not only had he been tasked by Edwards with arranging his hookups with Hunter, but that Edwards knew the baby was his all along and begged Young to claim that he was the father. Young also claimed that Edwards once promised that he would marry Hunter, after his wife died, in a rooftop ceremony in New York City with an appearance by The Dave Matthews Band (!!!!).

But that’s not all! According to ABC News, Young also claimed that Edwards asked him to “get a doctor to fake the DNA result and to steal a diaper from the baby so he could secretly do a DNA test to find out if this [was] indeed his child.” Jesus. But wait, there’s even more! In 2009, reports began to surface that Edwards was being investigated for using campaign money for personal use related to the affair and just a few days ago it was reported that the Justice Department apparently plans to indict Edwards on criminal charges for spending over $1 million(!) in political donations to hide the affair and the child that followed. Wouldn’t it have been easier just to cut a few child support checks, John? Or, you know, just not cheat on your dying wife? Just a thought.

3 Arnold Schwarzenegger
Come on, you knew this one was coming. Everybody knows by now that the Governator is the father of his maid’s ten year-old child. And while there is a joke to be made here about Skynet sending Arnold back in time to prevent his bastard child from being born and ruining his reputation and his marriage, we here at Guyism are above such nonsense and won’t do it. Instead, we’ll just ask one question: Why? Why would Arnold Schwarzenegger risk it all just to have sex with his allegedly human maid? Well, from all available evidence, Arnold would grope a manatee if it wasn’t able to swim away on time. He probably would have tried to have sex with Predator if it was a real being. So maybe the poor dude is just a randy sex addict. Or maybe, just maybe, since he had been married for so many years with a lady who looked like Skeletor, he decided to branch out and have sex with another character from the He-Man universe, like Beast Man. After all, I can’t come up with any other reason why Arnold would have had sex with… with that. Sadly, we’ll probably never know why Arnold did what he did, but what we do know is that he has a young son, and that son looks freakishly like him, and Arnold had enough balls to just let the maid bring the kid around the house whenever she felt like it. Maybe Arnold was just waiting for the right moment, a moment that never came, a moment when he could have found himself alone with his illegitimate little baby son and quipped something like “hasta la vista, baby” before throwing both the child and his mother out for good. Who knows?

2 Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson’s affair with slave Sally Hemings has been well documented, including by us here at Guyism, but he didn’t just sleep with Hemings once and call it quits. No. Instead, Jefferson managed to father a whole slew of bastard children with Hemings, making him the spiritual forefather of later politicians like Strom Thurmond, John Edwards and the loveable Governator. Most people like to focus on the fact that Jefferson got busy with a slave, which… yeah, that’s something people are going to focus on, but what you rarely hear about is his relationship with the children who were the result of that long affair. Although Jefferson never publicly acknowledged the children, they were apparently well looked after and were eventually freed by Jefferson. That seems like an incredibly weird thing to say, that a man freed his own children but those were f*cked up times and people did f*cked up things. No one knows for sure how many of Hemings’ seven children were the result of their affair, but DNA evidence shows that Hemings’ descendants also share Jefferson’s DNA, meaning that at least one of the kids had to be his.

1 God
A couple of thousand years ago, apparently God laid his eyes on a young housewife named Mary. Nine months later, a little baby boy emerged. God split and left Mary’s husband, some blue collar carpenter named Joe, to take care of the baby, which they named Jesus. (Back then, it was cool to name your kid Jesus without it being seen as sacrilegious. Well, at least until Mary and Joseph ruined it for everyone else, that is.) Apparently, God also skipped out on years of child support payments and like many children who never know their fathers, Jesus grew up to be a bit of a troublemaker and was eventually busted by the cops and sentenced to crucifixion for aggravated loitering and for unlicensed wine-making. It was thanks to this crucifixion that God and his young son eventually had an emotional reunion and today they apparently live together in a gated community even though they sometimes fight because Jesus refuses to cut his hair and is kind of a hippie and God is sick of explaining his behavior to all of his rich, uptight neighbors. It’s all in the Bible, you can check if you don’t believe me.

There are a lot of famous people out there who have a reputation for being tough, but the following list is reserved for only those who are not only tough, they are lethal. They don’t need a gun or a knife or a sword or whatever OJ had in ]]>

There are a lot of famous people out there who have a reputation for being tough, but the following list is reserved for only those who are not only tough, they are lethal. They don’t need a gun or a knife or a sword or whatever OJ had in the trunk of his car on a certain fateful night because they themselves are a lethal weapon. You might be surprised by some of the names on this list but that’s only because they don’t need to advertise the fact that they are bad asses. They are like radiation or a silent fart –- deadly, and you’ll never see them coming. So, if you ever see any of these nine famous people in a dark alley, run, because if they get their hands on you, it’s all over.

9 Ice T
There are a lot of fake tough guys in the rap world, but Ice T isn’t one of them. Sure, a lot of people have been fooled by his stint on Law & Order into believing that he has settled down but that doesn’t mean the dude has gone soft. Hell no. A longtime practitioner of Brazilian jiu-jitsu, Ice T was also a former Army Ranger. I’m guessing LL Cool J and Soulja Boy didn’t know that when they decided to beef with him, but it’s good for them that those beefs never got as heated as the Tupac/Biggie feud otherwise we all would have probably been treated to the sight of Ice T choking out Soulja Boy at the Source Awards. You don’t wanna mess with a former Army Ranger, even one that spent a decade hanging around with Richard Belzer.

8 Guy Ritchie
Look, you have to be tough to be able to survive being married to Madonna and those freakish arms of hers. The poor dude probably had to extensively train in both judo and Brazilian jiu-jitsu just to avoid being choked out in bed. I’m guessing that whenever he hears “Material Girl”, the dude just starts armbarring random victims until he hears bones cracking. But now that he’s escaped from her damn near literal talons he’s out in the world with all sorts of hand-to-hand combat training. A black belt in judo and a brown belt in BJJ, Ritchie doesn’t need to take any shit from the actors on his sets. You can tell him that you think Swept Away sucked, but you do so at your own peril.

7 Jason Statham
It would make sense that a good friend of Guy Ritchie would be able to handle himself and Jason Statham can do much more than that. Those fancy moves and choreographed stunts in his movies aren’t just a stuntman going through the motions. No, Statham is an expert kickboxer who could probably break every bone in your face before you even got a limp-wristed drunken punch off. He’d probably also then sleep with your girlfriend, thus destroying both your body and your soul. He might not have won an Oscar for Crank, but I’m guessing that’s because the cowards in the Academy were too afraid to even be in the same room with him. You could call me a liar, but that would just make you look like an idiot and you’re not an idiot, are you?

6 Jesse Ventura
Don’t be fooled by the fact that wrestling is fake (Sorry if I shattered anyone’s innocence there.) or that he spent a few years stuffed behind a desk as the Governor of Minnesota, because Jesse Ventura is a former Navy Seal who probably knows about a 100 different ways to break your neck and make it look like you died of natural causes. In Predator, Jesse Ventura memorably played a tough guy soldier who fell victim to the Predator, but in real life, the Predator would have beaten Arnold Schwarzenegger to death within five minutes and then ran like hell from Ventura. Sure, that would have drastically changed the tone of the movie, but I wouldn’t mind. After all, it’s comforting to me to know that there is a man like Jesse Ventura out there capable of keeping us safe from alien hunters.

5 Chuck Norris
Yeah, yeah, no big surprise here. As much as I hate to drag this old Internet meme out of mothballs, you simply can’t deny that Chuck Norris could do terrible, terrible things to you if he felt like it. A black belt in Karate and the Korean martial art Tang Soo Do, Norris is also apparently the only Westerner in the 4,500 year history of Tae Kwon Do to achieve an eighth degree black belt, which also brings with it the title of Grand Master. If you want to scoff at all that, fine, but just know that instead of kicking your face off, Norris will just throw you to the ground using the judo that he’s studied and will then break all of your bones using his knowledge of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Of course, the man is 71 years old, but let’s face it, he could be 151 years old and still be capable of sending you to meet your maker. That’s not a meme. That’s just the way it is.

4 Angela Merkel
What the hell? Yes, it’s true. Angela Merkel, the German chancellor, is a black belt in judo. Look at her picture and let that sink in for a minute. Okay, done? Good, now take a minute and contemplate that Angela Merkel could kill you with her bare hands while you just squirmed helplessly in her grasp and wondered how your death would be explained to your friends. If there’s one thing that history has taught us it’s that when it comes to killing people the Germans don’t mess around. There was the savage Thirty Years War in the 17th century, there was the vicious killing of David Hasselhoff’s soul and there was, uh, some other stuff back in the ‘30s and ‘40s that kinda drew some attention. So it makes sense that their leader in these strange and terrible times would be a capable killing machine, a Terminator ready to throw down on anybody who made the fatal mistake of messing with her or her people.

3 Ed O’Neill
Yes, that’s right, Al Bundy could kill you with his bare hands. Before you laugh, just remember that in addition to scoring four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High, O’Neill is also a black belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, having studied for years under the famed Gracie family. He may look like an ordinary shoe salesman with a beaten soul, but beneath that humble exterior lies a true warrior, capable of wrapping himself like an anaconda around the body of anyone stupid enough to mess with him, squeezing and twisting until all that’s left is just a pile of broken bones and regret. It’s a messed up world, but it’s comforting to know that it is still a world in which a man like Ed O’Neill can be considered a true lethal weapon. Seriously, finding this out made my day.

2 Vladimir Putin
Uh, I’m kind of afraid to say anything here for fear that I will wake up hanging from a meat hook in some refrigerator in Siberia. And that’s because not only is Vladimir Putin, the Russian uber-leader, an avid judo enthusiast, he’s also a total badass who looks like he could be a Bond villain. While everyone is always worried about Russian arms and chemical weapons and all that, what they need to understand is that if Vladimir Putin has a problem with you, he’ll just show up at your doorstep stripped to the waist with only a grim mask of stone and determination on his face and with only his bare hands to teach you a lesson in foreign relations. He is the Anton Chigurh of international politics, but he doesn’t need some lousy air gun to send you to hell. He just needs to use the power of judo and his own frozen soul.

1 Snooki
Before you laugh, just remember that’s exactly what she wants you to do. That way, you’re caught unaware when one of the gremlins that lives inside of her crawls out of her vagina and eats you whole. And even if you somehow managed to survive an encounter with Snooki with your body still intact, your soul will have withered and died like a flower in a nuclear blast. She might not be a trained lethal weapon like so many others on this list but she doesn’t need to be. She is mentioned in the Book of Revelations. Even the four horsemen of the apocalypse in that book are terrified of her. She is who Oppenheimer was quoting when he famously said “I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” Snooki doesn’t need a lethal weapon or a martial art because Snooki is a lethal weapon. So tangle with her at your own peril and just remember that if you survive, you will have seen into the great void that all men fear and you will never be the same again.

This truly is the greatest day of this man’s life. He gets to marry a beautiful woman, dress like Blackbeard’s sidekick and fight a bunch of ninjas — all on his wedding day. No, this clip isn’t from a Chuck Norris movie.

You win, Mr. Ribero? I can’t ]]>

This truly is the greatest day of this man’s life. He gets to marry a beautiful woman, dress like Blackbeard’s sidekick and fight a bunch of ninjas — all on his wedding day. No, this clip isn’t from a Chuck Norris movie.

You win, Mr. Ribero? I can’t tell because you have a mask on. Wedding are usually known as being the bride’s big day, but you sir, you have taken one of the seminal moments as husband and wife and you fought ninjas during it! You were dressed as a pirate and you fought ninjas on your wedding day; even Jet Li had less ninjas at his ceremony and he’s Jet Li! You truly have met Mrs. Right, Mr. Ribero. You give hope to men everywhere that want to marry a beautiful woman while dressed like a comic book character. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to put on my Spider-Man outfit and loiter around the 7-11 parking lot for the next few hours. Just looking for my Mary Jane. Fingers crossed!

A great fight scene is really hard to perfect. There has to be a balance of slick choreography, the raw emotion of the fight, and storytelling. On top of all that, directors have to amass the right actors and stuntmen that can pull everything off. But when a fight ]]>

A great fight scene is really hard to perfect. There has to be a balance of slick choreography, the raw emotion of the fight, and storytelling. On top of all that, directors have to amass the right actors and stuntmen that can pull everything off. But when a fight scene is done right, it can look like art, a ballet of violence. Here are some of the best fight scenes ever produced on film.

1 Bruce Lee vs. Chuck Norris – Way of the Dragon

Some may argue that Lee’s final fight in Enter the Dragon is more iconic. But for the martial arts purists, this is as good as it gets. Forget all the Chuck Norris jokes, the guy is a great martial artist and to see someone of that caliber go up against the legend Bruce Lee is a pleasure. The fight is fistic poetry. Bruce Lee’s brilliance and all around mastery of many styles coupled with the sheer force (and chest hair) of Chuck Norris makes the duel an appropriately epic showdown. Throw in a Roman Coliseum, and you’ve got yourself the greatest fight scene of all time.

2 The Bride vs. The Crazy 88′s – Kill Bill Vol. 1

Quentin Tarantino has never been known as a fight scene director. But in the classic Kill Bill Vol. 1, he proves he can do pretty much shoot anything he wants and be successful at it. The balance of gore, comedy, and artistic vision drive this one to the top of many lists. Just look at the colors of the background while the Bride is slicing and dicing her way through the Crazy 88′s. The music manages to make the scene a lighthearted, even soulful, bloodbath. What started as a tribute to martial arts films became a seminal classic in it’s own right.

3 Tony Jaa vs. Everyone – The Protector

Remember that shot in Goodfellas where Ray Liotta leads Lorraine Bracco through the back on the restaurant and the camera follows them the whole way not cutting once? This scene is kind of like that but instead of a romantic dinner, it’s a video game-style brawl. Muay Thai expert Tony Jaa absolutely demolishes a gang of guys while making his way up to the top floor of the villain’s lair. Never mind the fact that the sets look like a fake room in Ikea, seeing that little dude toss his foes over the staircases is awesomely badass.

4 Jackie Chan vs. Hwang Jang Lee – Legend of Drunken Master

Some of the younguns out there may not know that Jackie Chan is a martial arts movie legend and not just the guy who will be playing Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid remake. In the 1978 classic Legend of Drunken Master, his trademark comedy action shtick was introduced to the world. The director Yuen-Woo Ping went on to choreograph the fight scenes in The Matrix, so you know it’s top quality stuff. In the final fight, Jackie and his nemesis go through many forms of kung fu trying to defeat one another. Add some boozing during the battle, and you’ve got yourself a wonderful time.

5 Colin Chou vs. Donnie Yen – Flashpoint

For the casual audience, martial arts will always mean stand up fighting. Whether boxing, kung-fu, or karate, stand-up fighting is easy to get. But as anyone who’s ever actually been in a fight will tell you, a lot of the time it ends up on the ground. Mixed martial arts introduced the concept of ground fighting (Wrestling, Brazilian jiu-jitsu) to audiences, but it’s complex subtle nature has prevented it from breaking into the movies until recently. In this scene, Donnie Yen and Colin Chou duke it out on the feet, but also take it down to the ground where triangle chokes, arm bars and the like are shown off. Their fight takes them everywhere, and it’s a joy to watch.

6 Jean Claude Van Damme vs Bolo Yeung – Bloodsport

If you were a kid watching this for the first time you were most likely a huge fan of Jean Claude and terrified of Bolo Yeung. Those wide murderous eyes, the pounding of the chest, these are the things nightmares are made of. And in the final scene of the fight, our hero is forced to take down this monstrosity. Cheesy though it may be, if you didn’t enjoy the hell out of those split kicks, you might be a robot.

7 Ziyi Zhang vs. Michelle Yeoh – Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

If anyone says that girls can’t kick ass, they need to immediately watch this fight. The two female leads of this film are really out for one another’s blood in this scene. The choreographing is a take on the Wushu style, and the fight operates on a very high technical level. In simple man’s terms: what they’re doing is really freaking hard. The storytelling here is on point as well: Michelle Yeoh, the more skilled fighter keeps gaining the upper hand in battle, but Ziyi Zhang possess a special sword that helps her defend herself. It just doesn’t get much better.

8 Jet Li vs. Japanese Dojo – Fist of Legend

A legend in the Hong Kong cinema way before he made his way to our shores, Jet Li has a plethora of sick fight scenes under his belt. But this one may just take the title of his best ever. The scene is a tribute to Bruce Lee’s The Chinese Connection so we have to give him some extra props for that. It takes big brass ones to walk into an enemy dojo alone, and Jet Li does it here without a second thought. And if that wasn’t badass enough, he takes out the entire school and their master without a second thought. Then he leaves, having sent his message. Simply as gangster as it gets.

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The legend of Jason Heyward keeps growing every day. At the tender age of 20, the 6-foot-5, 245-pound Braves outfielder has transformed from a much-ballyhooed phenom into a mythical, Bunyan-esque legend. Don’t believe me? Type “Braves outfielder” into Google and see what comes up.

People have completely lost their minds ]]>

The legend of Jason Heyward keeps growing every day. At the tender age of 20, the 6-foot-5, 245-pound Braves outfielder has transformed from a much-ballyhooed phenom into a mythical, Bunyan-esque legend. Don’t believe me? Type “Braves outfielder” into Google and see what comes up.

People have completely lost their minds about the future of Heyward– some even comparing the kid to another pretty well-know Atlanta slugger, Hank Aaron. Is that unfair or is it fitting? It’s certainly starting to look like the later. I’d say it’s far too soon to make that type of comparison and he’d need to stay healthy, but I heard his sunglasses were blessed by the original Dalai Lama and they actually prevent him from ever sustaining an injury.

It all started in spring training, when reports of Heyward hitting balls so hard that they were destroying cars parked beyond the right field wall started pouring in. Those reports were true. After a searing spring, where he hit .366 and led the Braves in walks and stolen bases, many speculated that the team couldn’t possibly let the outfielder start the season in Triple-A. Those reports also proved to be true. Then, when the hype just seemed too good to be true, Heyward stepped-up to the plate in his first at-bat and promptly tattooed a Carlos Zambrano offering into the right field bleachers. Yesterday, the guy drove in the game-winning runs in the bottom of the ninth inning against the Colorado Rockies. He’s now only a single RBI behind the league leader in RBIs. The legend of the “J-Hey Kid” continues to grow exponentially…

I did some research on Jason Heyward and these are 10 things I found about the guy that you readers may not have known.

1. Jason Heyward uses a bat made from one of Chuck Norris’ femurs.

2. Jason Heyward doesn’t strike-out. The balls are just so afraid of his bat that they refuse to be hit.

3. A man who went into cardiac arrest at Turner Field didn’t need to be resuscitated with adrenaline filled needles, someone just yelled “Jason Heyward,” and the man woke back up.

4. At 20, Jason Heyward can’t legally drink. But if he could, his drink would be made with Johnnie Walker Blue and the tears of opposing pitchers.

5. Jason Heyward hit so many bombs during spring training that he’s now on the TSA’s No-Fly List.

6. Jason Heyward once hit a home run so hard that it traveled through time and counted for the previous day’s game. Because of the extra runs, his team won and the MLB implemented the “Heyward Space Time Continuum Rule” in order to prevent future home runs from dictating the outcome of past games.

7. Atlanta doesn’t have a Bat Signal, they simply shine a picture of Jason Heyward in the sky when they need a bat-themed hero.

8. Jason Heyward once hit a ball so high that it blocked out the sun for two days. During those two days Stonehenge was constructed.

9. Eyjafjallajokull Volcano? That’s where Heyward’s second home run landed.

10. Bill Brasky often tells stories about his time with Jason Heyward.

The Chuck Norris Game: In this game you have to play as Chuck Norris against the attack of ninjas. Your aim is to kill them all through various levels to achieve best score.

Chuck Norris doing what he does best. Kicking ass and taking names… from mushrooms and stuff…

Chuck Norris is still a huge Internet meme. Well, turns out you can add “rampant hatred of homosexuals” to his list of “awesome Chuck Norris facts”. From an essay he wrote (Chuck Norris can string that many thoughts together? Wow)…

Bitter activists simply cannot accept the outcome as being truly ]]>

Chuck Norris is still a huge Internet meme. Well, turns out you can add “rampant hatred of homosexuals” to his list of “awesome Chuck Norris facts”. From an essay he wrote (Chuck Norris can string that many thoughts together? Wow)…

Bitter activists simply cannot accept the outcome as being truly reflective of the general public. So they have placed the brainwashing blame upon the crusading and misleading zealotry of those religious villains: the Catholics, evangelical Protestants, and especially Mormons, who allegedly are robbing the rights of American citizens by merely executing their right to vote and standing upon their moral convictions and traditional views. [...]

The truth is that the great majority of Prop. 8 advocates are not bigots or hatemongers. They are American citizens who are following 5,000 years of human history and the belief of every major people and religion: Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. Their pro-Prop. 8 votes weren’t intended to deprive any group of its rights; they were safeguarding their honest convictions regarding the boundaries of marriage.

[via]