Police say that a former Illinois cop pretended to be a “massage parlor inspector” in order to get free nude massages. Based on the fact that we’re reporting on this, you can probably guess how it ended. Former Illinois cop Edward Justin La Porte is being ]]>

Police say that a former Illinois cop pretended to be a “massage parlor inspector” in order to get free nude massages. Based on the fact that we’re reporting on this, you can probably guess how it ended.

Former Illinois cop Edward Justin La Porte is being arraigned today after walking into a Lake Forest, California massage parlor in January impersonating a police officer.

According to police reports, La Porte showed the manager of the unnamed massage parlor a pistol and a badge under the guise of being a “massage parlor inspector”. The manager allowed La Porte access to the establishment where La Porte walked around with a clipboard and took notes.

La Porte then allegedly demanded a massage from the manager due to his gun holster “hurting his shoulder.” When the manager sent a masseuse in to take care of him, La Porte was allegedly found entirely nude on the massage table.

After rubbing La Porte’s back and shoulders, the masseuse claims La Porte turned over and asked her to massage his front side. The implication of sexual favors caused the masseuse to end the session.

Upon leaving, La Porte demanded $200 for the inspection. When told that the parlor didn’t have that money, La Porte said he’d come back later. He was later arrested after the manager called Lake Forest police.

Who would have guessed that this clever scheme of pretending to be a police officer, soliciting free massages and possible sexual favors, and trying to steal money from a local business would go wrong? Oh, that’s right, someone who actually was a cop.

Key takeaways: Massage parlors are kind of gullible. But don’t imply you need a happy ending, just demand it. Probably at gunpoint. I may have missed the point of this article.

Cops: Man Claimed to Be Massage Parlor Inspector for Free Naked Rubdown [AOL News]

File this one along with the fake-reality-show-turned-porn-site under the column of “Good idea in jokes, bad idea in theory”: A man pretended to be a massage therapist, specializing in the needs of the ladies. He then told the women that they needed some “internal massages” which, as ]]>

File this one along with the fake-reality-show-turned-porn-site under the column of “Good idea in jokes, bad idea in theory”: A man pretended to be a massage therapist, specializing in the needs of the ladies. He then told the women that they needed some “internal massages” which, as you might guess, does not involve emotional comfort.

A Cottonwood Heights man who police say posed as a licensed massage therapist at a fitness center is accused of sexually abusing two clients.

Robert Battle, 46, was charged Wednesday in 3rd District Court with three counts of second-degree felony forcible sexual abuse in connection with two separate cases last winter with women he picked up at Lifetime Fitness in South Jordan.

In the first case, Battle fondled a client who made an appointment with him following a difficult pregnancy, charging documents state. The woman met Battle at Lifetime Fitness, where she was informed that he had attended medical school and had just passed his medical board exams in another state, according to charges.

Battle told the woman he needed to do “internal work” on her because her body wasn’t “holding” prior massage work, charges state. He twice performed what he called a vaginal massage on the woman at a Cottonwood Heights office in June.

Eventually, however, he started to perform the massages without the sheet. He told the woman during one massage that he needed to touch “a massage point by her vagina,” charges state. The woman allowed Battle to continue the massage because she trusted him, according to charges, but ended the session when he began touching her vagina.

Well, that doesn’t sound like she had a lot of trust then, now did she? You can’t go, “Okay go ahead and diddle away,” then say “OH HOW HORRIBLE” a minute later. Either be the stupid person being duped or don’t, you don’t get to have it both ways.

Even weirder:

Several supporters of Battle have established a defense fund for him. Testimonials from people claiming to be Battle’s clients state he behaved professionally and helped them overcome medical issues.

So maybe he’s not a bad looking guy and other women enjoyed his kitty prodding? That just seems kind of crazy. If my dentist was accused of humping people’s faces while they were passed out, it wouldn’t matter how good a job he did of cleaning teeth, I’d probably stop visiting. And wonder why I wasn’t good enough for the same treatment. Sniff. I knew I should have flossed more.

[St. Louis Tribune]

I may not agree with what teenagers do, but I really have to admire their conviction in coming up with new and exciting ways to get unbelievably high. For example: smoking air fresheners.

Officials are worried about a new recreational drug trend among Berlin youths called ]]>

I may not agree with what teenagers do, but I really have to admire their conviction in coming up with new and exciting ways to get unbelievably high. For example: smoking air fresheners.

Officials are worried about a new recreational drug trend among Berlin youths called “Spice” that could lead to permanent physical damage, daily Der Tagesspiegel reported on Monday.

Spice is apparently just a harmless and legal mix of herbs meant to provide an aromatic smell as an air freshener, manufacturers say. But teens are rolling the substance into cigarettes to get a marijuana like high, officials told the paper.

“The high is supposed to last longer,” emergency drug abuse worker Michael Frommhold told the paper. “Sometimes it lasts between six and eight hours.”

But because Spice, unlike marijuana, is sold legally in head shops across the city, authorities told the paper their hands are tied when it comes to preventing kids from smoking.

Recent weeks have shown a steep increase in reports of Spice misuse, Frommhold said, adding that it is a psychoactive substance that can lead to hallucinations and psychological problems. “It can lead to anxiety attacks all the way to schizophrenia,” he told the paper. Many head shops around town have reported long waiting lists for new deliveries of the product.

I was never big on using any non-traditional drugs so I’m curious to find out how kids figure out what can and can’t be smoked. Is it a trial and error thing? Are there some Danish children out there snorting cat feces in the hopes that it’ll make them temporarily forget all about how the cheerleaders at Danish High School were mean in math that morning? Or is there an email blast or perhaps an automated message like the ones schools have for snow days calling kids like “Hey, try licking the underside of a hippo’s balls and you’ll end up feeling like an 8 foot-tall Viking”?

Let’s see if we can start a rumor. I hear that if a barely legal teenage girl dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl slurps up the jizm of a blogger in his mid 20s, she gets the most amazing high that actually allows her to take flight. In the time it takes for someone to try this rumor out, I’m going to practice pulling out my genitals and smarmily going “Well well, what do we have here?”

[source]

File this under The Most Brilliant Crime Ever Perpetrated in Reality…a guy “hired” a bunch of Craigslist people to serve as decoys in his armed robbery. Here’s the story.

In a move that could be right out of a Hollywood movie, a brazen ]]>

File this under The Most Brilliant Crime Ever Perpetrated in Reality…a guy “hired” a bunch of Craigslist people to serve as decoys in his armed robbery. Here’s the story.

In a move that could be right out of a Hollywood movie, a brazen crook apparently used a Craigslist ad to hire a dozen unsuspecting decoys to help him make his getaway following a robbery outside a bank on Tuesday. He then made his escape in an inner tube on the Skykomish River.

The robbery happened about 11 a.m. on an armored truck guard at a Bank of America branch.

“He was wearing a dust mask, a particle mask. At first I thought it might be a surgical mask. I still didn’t think anything was wrong, just unusual. Then I noticed he had a pump sprayer,” said Mitch Ruth, who had looked out his office window and noticed the man walking into the bank.
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The robber sprayed the guard with pepper spray, grabbed a bag of money the guard was carrying and ran about 100 yards to the creek that runs into the Skykomish River, shedding clothes as he ran.

But apparently, the robber had planned ahead. In case anyone was hot on his trail, he had at least a dozen unsuspecting decoys waiting nearby, which he recruited on Craigslist.

He said he inquired and was e-mailed back with instructions to meet near the Bank of America in Monroe at 11 a.m. Tuesday. He also was told to wear certain work clothing.

“Yellow vest, safety goggles, a respirator mask… and, if possible, a blue shirt,” he said.

Mike showed up along with about a dozen other men dressed like him, but there was no contractor and no road work to be done. He thought they had been stood up until he heard about the bank robbery and the suspect who wore the same attire.

On the one hand, the guy totally committed a crime. On the other hand, he did it brilliantly and with quite a bit of pizazz. In most circles, this type of clever monetary thievery from the general public would be rewarded…with a $700 million government bailout. Ohhhhhh topical humor! So fresh!

If this were a movie with Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, whichever one was playing the Craigslist criminal would have gotten away and the other would have made some wry look like, “Maaaan, this guy is gooooood.” Then there’d be another hour and a half of hamming it up and they’d have a one-on-one scene where they play chess and then the Craigslist criminal dies and he’s like, “If I had to be caught, I’m glad it was you. Friend.” Because really, they were like kindred spirits. They just happened to be on divergent paths.

In real life, this guy probably celebrated his crime by revisiting his old Craigslist stomping grounds and got himself an Asian ladyboy for affordable rates. Real life: not so glamorous.

Some 3rd graders in special ed classes in Georgia plotted to kill their teacher, but were “thwarted” by school officials. Story of the year? Perhaps.

The students allegedly brought to school a broken steak knife, a roll of duct tape, handcuffs, ribbon and ]]>

Some 3rd graders in special ed classes in Georgia plotted to kill their teacher, but were “thwarted” by school officials. Story of the year? Perhaps.

The students allegedly brought to school a broken steak knife, a roll of duct tape, handcuffs, ribbon and a crystal paperweight in a bid to kill their teacher, Belle Carter, the paper reports.

“We did not hear anybody say they intended to kill her, but could they have accidentally killed her? Absolutely,” Tanner said. “We feel like if they weren’t interrupted, there would have been an attempt. Would they have been successful? We don’t know.”

The children, ages 8 and 9, were apparently mad at the teacher because she had scolded one of them for standing on a chair, Tanner said.

“It’s our understanding that she did in fact discipline one of the students, and they did not like it, he told FOX News. “After that, she began to plot revenge on the teacher.”

Tanner told FOX News not all of the students were in on all the details of the allegedly plot.

“We believe that some of them knew the entire plot and some of them were … just asked to bring other items in but they might not have realized the entire plot,” he said.

That last quote is kind of amazing in every way. Some of them didn’t realize? No way! I find that hard to believe.

A broken steak knife, roll of duct tape, handcuffs, ribbon and a crystal paperweight? Wow, they’re like a troupe of retarded little MacGuyvers. Or maybe they just brought that in for lunch. Who can tell! Retarded kids are so savvy!

Anyway, frankly, if you get outfoxed by a group of retarded third graders, I’m pretty sure you deserve to die. That’s like standing under a cartoon anvil that weighs two tons. Sure, that coyote looked trustworthy and handsome, but you should know better. You really should.