In case your crippling fear of clowns prevented you from watching this, Orty has amassed 2,053 different clown items over the last 15 years. Her “I’m a gay dominatrix” hat collection remains merely somewhat impressive rather than a world record, sadly.

If you’re like me and don’t enjoy watching clowns laughing maniacally, the jist: The clowns laughed for fifteen minutes straight. They fell just short of the world record. How you prepare for an event that requires 700 clowns and end up failing at your mission to set a world record is beyond me. But hey, who am I to question someone as successful as a person in clown make-up at a gathering of 700 people trying to set a laughing world record?

Clowns Set National Record For Laughing [My FOX DC via Fark]

Why are the Brits so afraid of something as seemingly ridiculous as a clown? Is it the big red nose? The crazy face paint? The fact that you can fit more than 50 of them in the trunk of Volkswagen? Maybe that means they’ll secretly sneak into the country on a multi-colored bus and slowly incorporate themselves into society–one day taking control of Parliament and ruling with a comically over-sized boot.

“Many of them have a preconceived idea of clowns as knife-wielding psychos and they’re petrified, very frightened,” he said.

I dunno why they’d think that? Clowns are happy people that make balloon animals and pull handkerchiefs out of their mouth!

OK, I guess I can see why these fellows may be a little unnerving.

[Adults] are then encouraged to talk about their fears and dress up as clowns themselves, if they want to.

Now, clowns may not be most people’s favorite thing in the world, but honestly, with unstable countries like Iran developing nuclear weapons, Osama bin Laden still on the loose and the economy still in utter shambles–it would seem to me that clowns should probably be way down the list on the list of fears and phobias. Things like the fear of leaving your house, the fear of death and the fear of disease all seem like they’d be way ahead of something a silly as worrying that Ronald McDonald may break into your house one night and steal your soul…and maybe your Xbox.

The fear of clowns may be a predominantly British preoccupation. In April, a Swiss city saw the launch of an “evil clown service,” whereby parents could hire a psychotic-looking mime to stalk their children at birthday parties.

Yep, that would do it. I’ll see you at the next session.

UK Circus Offers Therapy for Clown-Fearing Adults [Fox Atlanta]

Clowns protest against clown-impersonating armed robbers [Metro UK]

The army of 100 clowns showed up at El Salvador’s capital to protest the killing of the passenger, as well as the fact that the two criminals dressed up as one of their own.

One clown told the AP, “We are protesting so that people know we are not killers. The people who did this are not clowns. They unfortunately used our costume and our makeup to commit a monstrous act.”

The leader of the clown union [EDITOR'S NOTE: Seriously?] said that he plans to give IDs to all the real clowns and ask police to detain any clown caught without his or her papers.

I didn’t know that it required to be getting paid for clownmanship to be considered a real clown. That seems sort of discriminatory. I mean what if I’m just a guy who likes clowning, putting on my brightest clown bowtie and my silliest clown shoes and making people laugh? Does that mean I should be thrown in jail just because the Clown Union thinks I’m not clowny enough to clown? Or if I have a really weird clown fetish and I’m in the middle of spraying a nubile (yet undoubtedly needy given her willingness to participate in this) woman in the face with my seltzer? Sounds like Big Bozo needs to spend less time killing guys on buses and spend more time learning a little lesson about tolerance.

Angry clowns decry armed robbery by imposters [WTOP]

For future reference for all of you, when making a parody video, if you attempt to rhyme the words “restaurant” and “fun,” you may want to stop filming immediately and instead opt to slam your head inside of a door. It will hurt, but at least you’ll be creating more pleasant sounds for everyone around you.

Personally, the only time I’d ever ask “Who Let the Clowns Out?” would be if I locked them all in a room filled with carbon monoxide, only to later find the door open and no clowns inside. Then I would angrily ask that question and also include ample finger pointing. But then I’d hope the person I’m speaking to would be like, “Got ya!” and open up a nearby closet to show me a pile of carbon-poisoned clown corpses. And then we’d laugh because, hey, if you can’t enjoy a good prank involving a small mountain of dead clown bodies, what can you laugh at?

Xzibit meme implosion and morning links [FilmDrunk]

It’s a pretty special occasion because I’m actually going to give someone credit today. That’s a pretty entertaining commercial and perhaps even a bit edgy for Walmart. When you consider the fact that their most successful ad campaign was a bouncy CGI smiley face making its way around a store knocking down prices, this is a pretty stark contrast. The only way they could have made something even more edgy is if they had the smiley face lower prices by kidnapping them, putting bags over their heads, then threatening to cut the prices’ heads off if Walmart didn’t give in to his demands. It might offend some people, but at least you’d know they were serious about low prices.

Not the clown in question, but you’d be surprised at how few cross-dressing clowns the Internet yields

The Boulder Police Department is looking for a cross-dressing man wearing clown makeup who robbed a liquor store on Saturday night.

Boulder police spokeswoman Sarah Huntley said officers received a call from the Boulder Beer Emporium, on the 4700 block of Table Mesa Drive, just before midnight. The caller said that the store was robbed.

The witnesses described the robber as a man wearing red and white face makeup, a red and purple wig, a fake nose and a denim dress. Employees told police they didn’t think anything was peculiar when he walked into the store because of the Pridefest events happening over the weekend in Denver, Huntley said.

The clerk said the man walked up to an employee in the store and asked for help in a feminine voice, saying, “Will you help me? My husband is out of work.”

After being rebuked by the employee, the man walked to the checkout stand and showed the clerk a pistol.

The man did not take any beer or liquor and left with an undisclosed amount of money, Huntley said. The robber fled on foot just as two other customers were walking into the store, Huntley said.

You know whom I’m really concerned for? The gay cross-dressing clowns who don’t rob liquor stores. They’re just trying to live a normal life filled with clown make-up, shopping at Lane Bryant, and sodomy. They don’t need this social stigma hanging over their head.

This really should be taken as a wake-up call for Gay Pride parades across the country though. A cross-dressing clown came into a liquor store during a Gay Pride Parade and the store owner didn’t find this unusual. If that’s not a sign that you need to tone it down a bit, I don’t know what is.

[via, image via]

I could never be a clown. And it goes deeper than my pervasive fear of clowns (can you imagine looking in the mirror and being terrified of yourself? It’d be like being a suburban black man). But the idea of having to put makeup on every day and entertain children and avoid the temptation to lock them in my basement, it’s just too much. I’m pretty sure that’s what finally got to Gary Glitter.

I don’t think I’ve been cheated on before so it’s hard to relate to this. And even if I had been cheated on before, having a girlfriend pop out a black baby or something would be pretty awkward, but not quite as awkward as having an MTV show film my girlfriend at a lesbian clown construction worker sex party. In fact, that’s such an absurd combination of adjectives and descriptors that I can’t even conjure up a punchline along the lines of, “The only thing that would make this more absurd is…” because there really isn’t anything. So once again, lesbian clown construction workers have proven to f me over. Like how they never fixed that hole in my dyke. They just kept licking it and trying to rub its clitoris while honking their big red noses. I want repairs, not sapphic clownic erotica!

[via]

Check out the original listing here or click through to see the larger image

From the listing:

Afraid of Clowns? Ever see a movie with a creepy clown and get scared to death? Believe it or not, there are people out there who like to be scared. This idea came to me when a friend mentioned they love scary movies and the thrill it gives them. This auction is for a 3 day thrill ride through your greatest fear! ~CLOWNS~!!!! I will dress up as a clown and scare you for 3 days STRAIGHT, everywhere you go, I will follow, dressed as a clown. When you least expect it – BOOM!!! There I’ll be to creeper you out! This is something you will only want to experience once. LIVE your SCARIEST MOVIE SCENES! Included in this auction, is my travel expenses to wherever you live to give you 3 days of creepy, clowny excitement! BID NOW AND EXPERIENCE this once in a lifetime Thrill…. Are you Brave Enough? *This is meant for entertainment purposes only, no harm will come to you from this, just scariest thrill of a lifetime! Live a haunted house come to life for 3 entire days.

Someone paid $355 for this. You know how many things you can buy for $355 these days? Good to see that the “Pay a Clown to Scare You Shitless” industry is still going strong.

Let’s say someone paid a clown to stalk me because apparently my friends are not only wealthy and bored, but also hate me. I would probably just spot the clown and pretend I had a clown fetish. Nothing would freak a clown out more than A) Someone actually liking him and B) Sucking on his red clown nose seductively. Unless he liked it and went along with it. Then, well, I guess I’d have to not chicken out. No clown gets the moral higher ground on me. NO CLOWN.

[via]

Frankly I don’t think there’s any time in which burying a clown isn’t appropriate. Clowns do so much to torture us each and every day, whether it be spraying us in the face with flowers attached to their lapel or sodomizing us when we try to hitch a ride in their clown car. Needless to say that if Hitler had a thing for ethnically cleansing people in red noses and floppy shoes, he’d probably have been slightly less reviled.

via Gigglesugar

Ronald McDonald
Famous for: Giving to sick kids and clogging their arteries simultaneously

Sure, he’s designed to lure kids into loving the McDonald’s brand, but Ronald McDonald is a creep, plain and simple…there are hours of footage from commercials to back it up. For example, his TV debut:

He can cure all the sick little kids he wants, but it’ll never make up for the 10 he undoubtedly tortured for days on end in his dark basement. Sure, the smell of fries was welcome at first, but that quickly evaporates when you find a crazed clown mounting you like a steed while demanding that you say “I’m the Hamburglar and I need punishment for my crimes.”

The Joker
Famous for: Criminal activities, Fighting against the rampant outbreak of seriousness

He’s been an urban terrorist (The Dark Knight), an evil prankster (Batman cartoons), a former gangster (Batman…the first one), and an incompetent homosexual (Cesar Romero, as seen below, in the original Batman series). Clearly any of these would strike fear into your heart.

The reasons you’d find The Joker terrifying is pretty simple. He’ll make some snappy little remark, possibly shoot you in the face with a flower, chuckle, and probably kill you. But at least he’d look like he’s having fun doing it, if that’s any consolation.

Slightly unrelated, but I think the best way to write Heath Ledger/The Joker out of the new series of Batman movies would have been a note saying “The Joker died on the way back to his home planet”.

John Wayne Gacy
Famous for: Entertaining dozens of local kids in Illinois with his exciting clown performances, Killing them

John Wayne Gacy lived for two things: Murdering young boys and balloon animals. You can probably guess which one of those led to his downfall. And yes, in spite of the dangers involved of a balloon animal lifestyle, it was the young boys.

It’s a shame, because he seems so well-adjusted in the interview above. And by well-adjusted, I mean well-adjusted to his zeal for being a complete creep who refuses to admit to the fact that he killed a bunch of people. He does seem fairly well spoken though which is good because you don’t simply become a serial killer dressed like a clown by using poor grammar and broken English.

Pennywise
Famous for: Being really really creepy in the book/TV movie It, Poor dental hygiene

If Pennywise were a real guy just hanging out in a clown suit and killing people, that’d be terrifying enough. But the fact that Pennywise is a shape-shifting manifestation of evil that likes to kill kids, well, that’s just a cherry on top.

It really says something about the horror you can inflict on someone if you can appear in someone’s head, throw some blood balloons, hump a rail and yell some crap and they run away in abject terror. It also really allows you to just kick back and enjoy being a disembodied evil spirit. It’s so easy to get caught up in all your work that you forget to really enjoy what you do. Not a problem for old Pennywise.

The clown in this clip
Famous for: Being in this clip

From this year’s Superbowl ads…

It’s pretty simple, if you’re a clown and you’re hanging out in a baby’s room with just the baby, you might want to reevaluate your place in life. I don’t care HOW MUCH that baby made off of E-Trade, there are some gigs you just can’t book, clowny.

In related news, where’s that E-Trade baby now? Sure, you can blame his disappearance on the recession. Or maybe he just bought one clown too many.

Jack
Famous for: Avant garde commercials, Fattening regions of the country

Yes, you may get thrown off by his Mr. Met head, but Jack from Jack in the Box is indeed a clown. And there’s something about being a clown selling artery clogging food that makes you infinitely more likely to be weird. A stunning revelation, I’m sure.

Yes, that’s Jack in a commercial with RuPaul. I bet you didn’t know that clowns and trannies have so much in common, but there’s so much that they share. Clowns wear a lot of makeup, trannies wear a lot of makeup. Clowns often perform at events, trannies often perform illicit acts for gentlemen of questionable characters. Clowns fold up balloon animals, trannies fold their genitals up so they don’t bulge out. See? Not so different.

Sweet Tooth
Famous for: Starring in the Twisted Metal series, Being able to roast marshmallows on the go

The Twisted Metal series was really popular for a while and Sweet Tooth was one of the mainstays of the game. With good reason. After all, how could you have a dark, dystopic car game without a homicidal clown with a flaming skull?

Sure, he doesn’t seem like he wants to really integrate himself into society, but he should give it a chance. Walking around shirtless with a flaming skull isn’t going to help people not suspect you of the dozens of murders you committed. But maybe if you had a nice Brooks Brothers suit that really complemented the flames and brought out the color of his eyes, he’d be able to find himself a nice fat woman, a midlevel accounting job, and a savings account. Just because you’re born different doesn’t mean you have to stay that way.

Honorable Mentions to These Clowns for Making Me Cry at Some Point in My Life
Bozo the Clown (Any clown who made clowns famous to an entire generation deserves your disdain)
Homey the Clown (His slapjack and surly attitude make him less than desirable for kids’ parties)
The Clown from Spawn (Not a very nice fellow)
That Evil Krusty Doll in The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror III (Krusty’s just down on his luck and an addict…this toy clown had no redeeming qualities)
That toy clown who killed the kid in Poltergeist (Yeah, that made me really want a clown doll alright)
My grandmother’s friend who had red hair and wore a lot of makeup (One time, I saw her and ran away and cried. That probably made her feel good. Also, I was 23.)

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Like this? You may want to check out the 8 best Halloween stickers for the savvy sex offender or the 8 worst real life jobs of video game characters. Have a clown you hate? Leave them in the comments below.

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CO-ED Magazine has some tips on how to get the most out of your child clown after you rent him. These are key, so be sure to check it out.