Hey, remember Katawa Shoujo? You know, that dating sim in which you try to bang a bunch of crippled girls?

Well The Global Daily recently ran a story about 16 year old Ryan Dunham, who asked a buddy of his to hack his arms for him, due to being “inspired” by the game. He needed help since, you know, that would be hard to do by one’s self. But after slicing a good deal of just one appendage, said pal freaked out and couldn’t finish the job.

The finder details are even better: because he knew it would hurt, Dunham got passed out drunk before letting his friend hack away with a huge axe. Oh, and he told everyone on the internet of his plans as well, who thus called the authorities, which presumably stumbled across quite the wacky demonstration of friendship ever.

Dunham was taken to the hospital where they ended up having to amputate the arm, due to there being so much damage. Here’s Dunham by the way, sans one arm…

Quite the story, huh? Too bad it’s total b.s. Which anyone could have figured out themselves by just clicking around the source. But which CNN clearly didn’t think of, when they reposted the story. But I guess someone finally clued them in, hence why it’s no longer up, though Kotaku managed to find out in time.

What’s the moral of the story here? Basically, and as proven with the chunky redhead from not too long ago, if someone’s wearing a wolf shirt, it’s probably not real. Sorry.

Poor Christian Bale. All he wants to do is hang out with some guy under house arrest and he can’t do that? Don’t they know he’s from Hollywood? Show some respect.

Either way, if I’m one of these Chinese guards and I hear an incoherent unnecessarily guttural voice having trouble breathing through a latex mask, I’m definitely shitting myself.

Christian Bale And China Are Fucking Done, Professionally [Dlisted]

Is it really something to brag about that putting on a pair of goofy “Elton-John-as-a-stoner” glasses are the closest you’ve come to smoking pot? Yeah, smoking is a personal choice (uh, assuming it’s legally prescribed in your state) and whatever. But you show me a woman who claims to have never smoked pot in her life and I’ll show you a bore and a liar.

The best part is that I accidentally stumbled upon this freeze frame of the reporter’s face while trying to get a screencap:

Smug reporter is smug.

Either way, you’ve got to give Benjy even more credit for wandering back into frame after his histrionics during his getting pulled off-camera. That’s about as professional of a video ruining as you’ll ever see.

1. Do I really need this procedure?

I’m not sure you’re treading new ground here, CNN. “Do I really need this procedure?” should be a question asked about any surgery, let alone one that has a potential to make your penis look like Snuffleufagus seeing a ghost. If you’re a guy going around getting dick surgeries you don’t need just for kicks, I both fear and respect you.

2. What are my treatment options?

This one definitely makes sense to me. You want to make sure you’re aware of your treatment options. For example, if it’s been burning when you pee and the treatment is, “Bill, stop putting lit matches into your urethra,” you should probably take that simple course of action rather than make a surgeon slice your dong open like a butterflied filet.

3. Doctor, how many of these procedures have you done?

So you’re saying I shouldn’t go up to people with no Dick Surgery Experience (TM) to get my dick surgery? Got it. My butcher’s going to be pretty bummed. He went through a lot of trouble to figure out a way to accept my HMO.

4. Will the treatment really cure my problem?

I’d certainly hope so given that such a goal tends to be the whole point of hiring any person to do a job for you. If my roof is leaking, I’d hope the contractors I hire don’t just come in and install a waterslide.

5. Should I clean up before the surgery?

“Doctor, should I try to clean my genitals in advance of the surgery?”
“WHAT!?? ARE YOU INSANE? No, if anything, you should have a filthy penis! The dirtier the better! Stick it into sewers, homeless animals, Haitians, whatever you can find!”

For more on penis surgery and you, check out CNN’s extremely helpful article.

Easy there, fella. Nobody is going to think any less of you for needing reading glasses. In this day and age glasses are stylish. It’s not like you were looking at a skin magazine while on the air. Man, you took of those glasses entirely too fast for my liking. Do you practice that at home? I bet it only takes you five seconds to brush your teeth in the morning. With reflexes that fast you should really be using them for something other than reading a teleprompter. You should be in underground professional slap fights or helping David Carusso take off his sunglasses. Lord knows if he took them off as fast as you did, CSI: Miami episodes would have been 20 minutes shorter per week.

Click for full-size

It’s really ridiculous that “Is this random Arab-American chick from Michigan a terrorist” is even something we’d ask. And not only that, but you’re giving Miss USA a lot of credit for brainwashing or spying potential. Most of us will barely remember her name by this time next week, I can’t imagine she’d hold a lot of sway over the general populace or be cultivating an army of New American Jihadists. More likely is that men will fap to her likeness when they’re on a filtered Internet connection and, even then, they’d only do it once. I can hardly think of anything more pro-American than pathetically beating off to a hot Arab-American chick in a bikini when your work filter blocks out YouPorn. That’s literally why Betsy Ross sewed the flag.

People often act like furries are the biggest sexual deviants on Earth, but I don’t agree. When you have a healthy sex life, things sometimes get a little weird. Like just because I ask you to dress like a zombie and threaten to eat my brains before I bash you in the head with a fake shotgun and f you doesn’t make me weird. It makes society unaccepting. Bunch of conformists, with your missionary and your love and affection and disdain towards f’ing reanimated corpses. That’s what ejaculation is all about my friends.

In fairness, poll questions are pretty hard. Like when I would give the 5th grade girls my “Do you like me? Check yes or no” notes. The results came back alarmingly low. Also apparently if you take one of the girls offsite to poll her and you’re also a male in your 20s, there’s something called an “Amber Alert” and it’s not quite a good thing. Oh the things they don’t teach you as a 24 year-old masquerading as a 5th grader in an elementary school. The public education system is failing.

I’d say that this raises the question, at least for me, of “Did Barack Obama get his Inaugural Balls jingled by Michelle last night?” I mean, they were both probably exhausted after running around for days and then literally running around all day yesterday, but I’d imagine that being with the most powerful man in the world in the White House bedroom for the first time ever would be something of an aphrodisiac. I’d like to imagine Michelle sucked it up and put on a gymnastics show, but in reality, she probably just gave him an exhausted handjob until he finished on her wrist, then they both just rolled over and her crusty feet were on his calf. The Obamas: So like us.

[via]

A Maine man showed up outside CNN’s Atlanta headquarters earlier this month, claiming anchorwoman Robin Meade used on-air body language to tell him to travel to Atlanta, according to a police report.

Atlanta police have not arrested Gregory Fitzgerald, 32, of Lewiston, Me., but advised Meade to seek a restraining order against him, the police report said.

Apparently, CNN or Meade followed through. Fitzgerald was served with a restraining order before he returned to Maine, said his stepfather, Paul Stufflebeam of Lewiston.

“He’s a good kid,” Stufflebeam said. “He’s never hurt anybody. He doesn’t have an aggressive bone in his body.”

Fitzgerald told Stufflebeam that he was flying to Atlanta to spend time with a woman he met on the Internet and had been chatting with her for a couple years, Stufflebeam said.

I can think of one aggressive bone. It rhymes with “penis”.

I like the way this kid thinks though. Everybody’s stalking sexy Hollywood starlets, maybe you can go for a more achievable stalking of a hostess of a second rate show on a second rate cable news network (Headline News…come on, that’s hardly CNN). That’s why my courtship of Robert Gray is working out so well.

The money shot, so to speak, is about 13 seconds in.

It’s important to have a good support system in place during a crisis like the one at Lehman Brothers so it’s truly a blessing that these two men have each other. In a completely unrelated note, do you also find it hard to masturbate when laughing hysterically? I’m just saying. Like, it might be difficult. Theoretically.

[Via Breitbart]

The following five people/organizations are receiving Guyism middle finger.

Shaun Pruitt

Make a free throw buddy. Illinois’ Shaun Pruitt had a chance to seal up the game not once but twice at the free throw line. He clanked all 3 of those attempts and Indiana went on to beat Illinois on the road. Nevermind the fact that Illinois blew a double digit lead in the second half at home but if they could have just one more free throw down the stretch the game was over. Instead, Pruitt did his best Shaq imitation to choke the game away.

Roger Clemens

Quit the shenanigans man. Its over for you! The web of lies you’ve spun is unraveling day by day. But you know what bothers me the most about this. If you claimed McNamee was a personal friend of yours and somebody you spent a lot of time with, than why didnt you know he was dirty as hell? Why didnt you know he was basically a drug dealer who was passing out roids and HGH like it was candy? Says a lot about your character Rog. What’s that saying, “You are only as good as the company you keep”. Hmm? Fits well here huh?

Northwest Airlines

Its one thing to have flights delayed an hour or two, its quite another to be royally screwed by Northwest time and time again. My girlfriend was supposed to land at 830 but it turned into a cross-country nightmare that had her plane landing at a little past 12am. If that was the end of it, I probably wouldn’t be so upset but her luggage didnt arrive until about 50 minutes later. All in all, it was about a 4 hr 20 min delay and I didnt get home till 140am.

CNN

I am sure thats a nice article and all but truthfully, Im disgusted….

I am disgusted that there are athletes that freakin beat their wives and drunk drive and kill people and dont get one tenth of the coverage Vick’s goddamn dogs got….

Was there an article on CNN about the mom that Leonard Little killed? Gimme a break
For some reason, I know the name of one of the dogs that was abused but I dont know a single name of the 8 US soldiers who have died in the last six days.

Disgusting! You’re a national news network not some local podunk station that has nothing else to cover.

Myself

For being awake at 2am and writing this stupid thing.