Guyism » Colonel Sanders

The 7 least trustworthy food mascots

Chris Spags — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 13:00:45 +0000

A study in the UK released a while back said that some beloved food mascots such as Tony the Tiger and Coco the Monkey are contributing to children’s obesity. But they’re not the only mascots who seem capable of misdeeds. For example, take a look at these delinquents below.

7 Mayor McCheese

Sells: McDonald’s
Most Likely to: Get your child to wonder how delicious their own head must be

You’d expect a political figure in a major economic power like McDonaldland to be above reproach, but you’d be mistaken. Think about it. How does a lifelong criminal like the Hamburglar escape the law time and time again in a land where 90% of the populace is a food item themselves? Do you know the outrage that must be in every issue of the Daily Hamburgian? But for some reason the police force can’t wrangle the most incompetent (yet persistent) criminal of all time. Smells like corruption to me.

Plus how can you trust an adult dressed in a sash? Maybe a beauty pageant contestant. Or a guy dressed like a New Year’s baby. But anybody else… notsomuch.

6 The M&Ms

Sells: M&Ms
Most Likely to: Be voiced by Jon Lovitz

I kind of feel bad for these two because they have it tough. Not only are people always chasing them around, trying to take a bite out of their skull, but they also depend upon eating miniature versions of themselves for sustenance. For example:

Now if those M&Ms would do that to their own people, imagine what they’d do to you as soon as you turn your back. Have you been roasted like a pig as two talking M&Ms wear Tiki masks and dance around you? Well, probably not because they’re not real, but still. It’d be a pretty cool visual. If not slightly uncomfortable for you. I think you’d be delicious though, if it’s any consolation.

5 Colonel Sanders

Sells: KFC, Slaves
Most Likely to: Curse the day Lincoln was born; Drink mint juleps

Yes, I know what you’re thinking…if I can’t trust a slave owner-looking dapper dressed Southern man who fills my arteries with sweet fatty fried breading, who can I trust? It’s counterintuitive, yes, but take a look at this quote from a story about his much-discussed “secret recipe”:

Vials of the herbs and spices are also stored in the secret filing cabinet.

“The smell is overwhelming when you open it,” said one of two keepers of the recipe in an interview at company headquarters.

Others have tried to replicate the recipe, and occasionally someone claims to have found a copy of Sanders’ creation. The executive said none have come close, adding the actual recipe would include some surprises.

Secret cabinets, overwhelming smells, and something what would “surprise me”. I don’t think I’d be putting a lot of stock in my longterm health if I’m a KFC regular. On the plus side, rat droppings have a shelflife of 50 years, so their presence as a secret ingredient will only be inside of you until approximately the time Miley Cyrus becomes our first female President.

4 Kool-Aid Man

Sells: Kool-Aid
Most Likely to: Make your child run headfirst into a wall in an attempt to break through and provide the people within with delicious diabetes-inducing nectar

It’s always been a guideline by which I live my life: Never swallow the bodily fluids of anyone who busts into your home. I had to learn that the hard way. Now far be it from me to say that a Dane Cook bit really speaks to my experience in life, but this clip pretty much sums up the poor logic associated with the Kool-Aid Man’s antics.

He may have good intentions, but I wouldn’t leave that living bowl of juice to tend to my children. They’d end up disoriented, sad, and covered in red, viscous liquid. And while that would certainly prepare them for their future vocations as prostitute murderers, it still doesn’t seem like the best idea. And I’d rather they learn that skill-set on the job.

3 The Noid

Sells: Domino’s Pizza
Most Likely to: Touch you inappropriately with one of those plastic tables in the middle of a pizza

The Noid was simply one confused individual. His job was to get people to buy pizzas, but he’d steal them or attempt to destroy them. Any mascot that has a slogan that explicitly tells me to avoid it should probably be kept out of my life. Check out his creative, albeit misguided, attempt at taking an innocent pizza’s life below:

But if he’s selling people pizzas, why would he be trying to steal or ruin them? Perhaps to get them to buy more pizza, in which case…pretty clever. But if he was just blowing it up in crazy ways for his deranged amusement, which seems more logical, then he just has issues.

2 Refrigerator Raider

Sells: Milk, I think
Most Likely to: Not make any sense. At all.

Don’t know who that little scamp in the clip above is? Neither did I until one of the members of my research team (i.e. people on IM whom I ask “HAY CAN YOU HALP ME WITH LIST”) pointed him my way.

Apparently, Refrigerator Raider was part of an ad campaign by the American Dairy Council in the early 90s whose goal was, judging by the commercial, to lock your children in the refrigerator so that they get their daily dose of milk. And just like he loved and left the cake and milk in the fridge, Refrigerator Raider made one appearance and disappeared, never to be seen again. But you just know he’s lurking out there, with his cyborg eyes, announcing his name to anyone within earshot.

1 Chester Cheetah

Sells: Cheetos
Most Likely to: Introduce your child to intravenous cheese dust use

You look at Chester Cheetah and his exuberant energy and his unflinching speed and endurance and, presumably, crazy schemes involving awful video games. For example, this video game…”Chester Cheetah: Too Cool to Fool” (note: for actual enjoyment of the awfulness of Chester, turn the sound off. For unintentional comedy in the form of someone desperately trying to imitate the Angry Video Game Nerd but failing miserably, keep the sound on).

All drug jokes aside, seriously, it’d probably be less messy to do mountains of coke like Al Pacino in Scarface than eating a bag of Cheetos. It always struck me as near impossible to eat Cheetos without ending up looking like I crawled through an orange-dyed attic for an hour and a half. So not only was I eating myself into an early grave, but I looked like a complete slob afterward. No wild cat with amazingly cool sunglasses should be able to persuade me into such a fate. But look, he can dunk! That is SO in my face! I’m sold!

11 ridiculous mustaches every guy should sport

Max Steven Miller — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 12:00:39 +0000

We all have lofty goals: find a job we love, make a lot of money doing that job we love, start a family, retire early, so on, and so on. But let’s face it… There are not too many things that are more satisfying to a guy than growing out an absolutely ridiculous mustache. No goal is more important in the life of a guy than being able to grow and sport a completely unnecessary patch of facial hair for an extended period of time. I assure you, your life will not be complete until you spend at least a week sporting each of the following mustaches.

11 The Juan Valdez
Cultivating coffee beans is a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it. Pay tribute to the man who gets you through work every day by growing out this Twinkie-sized mustache. Throw on a cowboy hat and ride a donkey to work for an extra touch of authenticity and some excellent gas mileage.

10 The Geraldo Rivera
This mustache is a lot of fun because it looks like both ends are desperately trying to get at your sideburns. But no matter how hard those little ends try, the much larger base of the ‘stache keeps the patch close to the warm comfort of the nostrils. A pair of beady little glasses and a helmet of hair are the perfect compliment to this little gem.

9 The Cartoon Villain
This mustache is probably best to grow out if you’re considering tying an unsuspecting damsel to the train tracks at some point in your life. It is best accompanied with a top hat and should always be stroked between your thumb and forefinger when revealing the details of your evil plan to those around you.

8 The Wilford Brimley
A must do for any old man. This mustache will not only make you look like a walrus, to the delight of your grandchildren, but it will also give them something to swing from whenever they come visit you. It also gives you free reign to completely mispronounce common diseases.

7 The Handlebar
This isn’t a mustache… it’s a statement. This little bit of hair has suddenly made you tougher than you were before you grew it. Grab a beer, throw on some aviators, hop on your hog, make your way to a tiny sports bar in the middle of nowhere, and get in a fight with six other guys. You’ll probably lose, but you’re gonna look badass doing it.

6 The Selleck
When you’re ready to cross “bang an older woman” off your bucket list, this is the ‘stache you’ll need to grow out. All women over 45 will want to call you “Daddy”. However, any women under 45 will simply call you “Dad”.

5 The Super Mario
This beauty is almost a reverse handlebar. When you grow it out, buy yourself a pair of some killer red overalls and break out your not-so-realistic Italian accent. Grab a turtle shell, shout “It’s-a me, Mario!” and toss it at a friend’s head. I guarantee the results won’t be the same as in the video game, but it’ll be hilarious nonetheless.

4 The Inigo Montoya
Also known as the “Revenge ‘Stache”. This mustache comes with a lot of responsibility. Once you grow it out, you must devote your entire life to tracking down and killing a person who wronged you early in your life. Do your best to come up with an over the top Spanish accent; otherwise your repetitive catch phrase will run the risk of becoming annoying rather than endearing.

3 The Porn Star
This dirty little ‘stache is only a good idea to grow out if you have something other than your face that might catch a girl’s attention. It’s a risky move, but it’s also incredibly ballsy. Pun completely intended. Works best with a double chin, a mullet, and chest hair straight out of the seventies.

2 The Colonel Sanders
This mustache is best worn when trying to reassure people that you are just plain crazy. If you need to explain an outrageous incident you were involved in, it’s time to grow out the Colonel Sanders. For example, Mel Gibson uses this ‘stache regularly as a sort of “get out of jail free card” whenever he feels the need to go on one of his racist or sexist tirades.

1 The Hitler
I highly doubt anyone would argue that Hitler was a horrible man. Well, unless your name happens to rhyme with Messy Fames. But one thing you can’t deny is that Hitler’s choice of mustache is almost as infamous as he is. Walking around with one of these babies on your upper lip will make people around you giggle like schoolgirls on a daily basis. That’s just magical.

The ‘Fried Chicken Song’ is gonna be a hit

Shawn Norris — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 16:22:35 +0000

Cock-a-doodle-doo, if you like busting the windows out of cars in order to steal buckets of chicken…this is your anthem.

He doesn’t have an awful voice but I have some serious issues with this song. First, this guy will break into your car just for some fried chicken? Well, I guess we won’t have to look far for a nickname for a serial fried chicken thief, as I’m pretty sure “The Colonel” should work fairly well. Wait, you proclaim your love of chicken and you never even mention KFC’s Double Down–possibly the greatest invention since sliced bread? I dunno, guy, I’m finding a lot of holes in the logic of the Fried Chicken Song. I’ll let it slide for now, as long as you write another song called “Down with the Double Down.”

VIDEO: Your favorite fast food icons get high and go to a strip club

Guyism Video — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 14:46:03 +0000

The song is fairly catchy as far as modern disco/techno goes, but the real selling point of this music video for the song “Rad Anthem” by the band Rad Omen is the inclusion of several fast food icons. Ronald McDonald, Colonel Sanders, The King, Jack in the Box, Wendy, and more make an appearance in this drug-fueled strip club adventure that might double as the coolest music video in years.

What a depressing child aspiration

Chris Spags — Fri, 22 May 2009 13:00:18 +0000

Kids often say they want to be astronauts or witch doctors or whatever when asked what they want to be when they grow up. So let’s reward this little girl’s creativity in her dream.

I can really relate to this girl’s desire to be Colonel Sanders. He’s confident, provides joy and obesity to millions, and he totally owned slaves. If you give him some Just for Men hair coloring, he’ll have it all.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a functioning alcoholic. They always say that the best role model you can have is your father. Or, in my case, the parade of men who’d often call me “son” before going into my mom’s room and making loud noises. Even to this day, whenever I hear a porn whore say “Cum all over my face,” I get the impulse to play with my Ghostbusters action figures and pretend I’m in outer space. It’s like a Pavlovian response, only instead of salivating, it’s a mixture of shame and confusing arousal.

[via]