If Ron Burgundy was impressed when Baxter ate a whole wheel of cheese, he’d get down on his knees and bow to these heroes of competitive eating. There is no burrito too big for these players. Here are some of our favorite binge-eating records.

8 Doughnuts
Homer Simpson has nothing on Eric Booker. Booker — aka “The People’s Champ” — holds the competitive-eating record for glazed doughnuts. He downed 49 glazed doughnuts in just 8 minutes back in 2002. Booker also puts out his own rap records, has been on “Wife Swap” and likely spends a lot of time in the bathroom. Here’s Booker going at a 5-lb. burrito earlier this year:

(starts @ :47)

7 Cheesecake
Sonya Thomas weighs just 105 pounds, but she is a heavyweight in the world of competitive eating. Known as “The Black Widow”, Thomas holds over 25 competitive eating records. Perhaps the most impressive of those records is the amount of cheesecake she ate back in 2004. Thomas chowed down 11 pounds of cheesecake in just nine minutes to set the record. Awesome side note: she’s single! Here’s Thomas dominating a Jalapeno eating contest.

6 Slurpees
Patrick Bertoletti set the record for fastest Slurpee drinking back in April of this year. He downed a 22-ounce Slurpee in 9 seconds. I assume that he also set the record for most excruciating brain freeze in history. Bertoletti holds over 25 competitive eating records, including including waffles (29 in 10 minutes) and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (42 in just 10 minutes). Here he is shotgunning a can of brown gravy. Seriously.

5 Cranberry Sauce
Most people eat cranberry sauce once a year at Thanksgiving, and even then they don’t really like it. In one brief sitting, Juliet Lee ate enough cranberry sauce to span generations of Thanksgiving dinners. She swallowed 13.23 pounds of jellied cranberry sauce in just eight minutes back in 2007. Here’s a video of Lee and some of the other top competitive eaters taking on circus elephants in an eating contest. Yes, real elephants.

4 Mayonnaise
It what is likely the most disgusting record ever set by a competitive eater, Oleg Zhornitskiy somehow downed four 32-ounce bowls of mayonnaise in just eight minutes. I haven’t eaten anything in hours and I just gagged like three times. There’s no video of Oleg in action, but this is what it would look like. And it’s gross.

3 Bologna
Mmmm…bologna sandwiches.You eat a lot of them as a kid because frankly, your mom was lazy and they were cheap. But you could never eat bologna like Don “Moses” Lerman. He holds the record for bologna eating, setting it back in 2006 when he made it through 2.76 pounds of it in just 6 minutes. Lerman is known as having the fastest hands in competitive eating. Here he is setting his bologna record.

2 French Fries
Super-size it? There is no name for the amount of french fries that Cookie Jarvis ate to set the competitive eating record for french fries. The man with the American flag do-rag gobbled 4.46 pounds of fries in 6 minutes back in 2005. Doesn’t sound all that impressive? That’s the equivalent of about 12 orders of large fries from most fast-food joints. In 6 minutes. Here’s Jarvis and his unique method of eating corn on the cob. Sort of creepy.

1 Hot Dogs
Everyone knows the name of Kobayashi from his past championships in the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. But in 2009, Joey Chestnut ate 68 Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs and Buns in 10 minutes to set the all-time record. He holds almost 20 competitive eating records including asparagus (8.8 pounds in 10 minutes) and funnel cakes (5.9 pounds in 10 minutes). I’ll go ahead and guess he also holds the record for most incredible digestive system ever. Here’s Chestnut setting the hot dog record.

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I support competitive eating…I mean who gives a crap, it’s pretty entertaining, they don’t make much money, and it’s kind of fun in small doses. But man, there’s something morbidly depressing about watching someone eat three pounds of deep fried asparagus in what looks like his own kind of sad living room. I mean, yeah, I do it all the time (much more slowly, I’m a mere amateur), assuming that replacing asparagus with beef jerky is okay. But I do it without a camera. So my shame is private.

Until now. Fuck.