Yep, that sure was two gay dudes getting married. It wasn’t funny or remarkable in any way. But I guess that’s sort of the point?

Either way, it’s pretty cool for Conan to support one of his staffers like that. Congrats to the big happy and gay couple. On the plus side, one of them could literally attempt to murder the other on their honeymoon and it’d still last longer than the Kardashian-Humphries debacle. In your face, straightos.

First off is something that’s not really funny, but just flat out awesome (and which I’m passing along anyway, since we’re talking about Gears after all). It’s basically the game, redone via Legos. Pretty impressive, top to bottom, but man, whomever TOTALLY nailed the camerawork…

Next, for those who haven’t heard about it, and those that have, yet can’t figured how to nab it, details behind the The Cluckshot. Imagine a shotgun, except it shoots chicken, with feathers flying all over the place and everything…

… Cute, and kinda funny! Moving on, here we have a clip starring Carlos Ferro, who not only voices the role of Dominic Santiago in the game, but dressed as him to, make a young dying boy happy. Or would be if kids today didn’t have such awful taste in entertainment…

… Actually, I find Katherine Heigl fairly hot, so the kid’s alright. Moving on we have Conan O’Brien’s attempt at getting laughs using GOW. It’s an oldie, from the game’s launch a few weeks back originally, but… I’m only showing this to help illustrate a point…

… And that point is, Conan, you should have never left NBC. Sorry. Leave the awkward attempts at tech-laden jokes to Jimmy Fallon. And finally isn’t a video but just some comic some guy made, inspired by a little mishap while playing Gears 3, as found on Reddit. I think most folks will agree; stranger on the internet is funnier that all of the above…

James Franco confesses to making sex tape
“It’s not like I went down to Van Nuys and tried to break into the porn industry.”

Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux trying for a baby
“She is anxious for the next phase of her life and feels like this is the time.”

Jennifer Lopez returning for another season of American Idol
“Idol’s Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe confirmed the news during a Wednesday call to On Air With Ryan Seacrest.”

Rebecca Black: I left school because of teasing over “Friday”
“…you know, they’ll be like, ‘Oh hey, Rebecca, guess what day it is?’”

Arnold Schwarenegger taunts the woman he humiliated via novelty t-shirt
“Apparently when the Governator left office, Maria’s Office of the First Lady staff made the shirts as a joke.”

Ali Lohan, 17, signs multi-year modeling contract
“Lindsay Lohan’s 17-year-old sister has signed a multi-year modeling contract with NEXT Model Management.”

George Lopez TV show cancelled
“…but there’s an even bigger story here — that Conan O’Brien is failing at the network.”

Kelly Rowland: Nip slip was “very embarrassing!”
“In related news — Kelly says one of her biggest musical influences is Janet Jackson.”

Emma Stone and Olivia Wilde get a gorgeous new gig
“Emma Stone and Olivia Wilde will be glamming it up together as the new global brand ambassadors for Revlon.”

Ashton Kutcher scores huge Men paycheck
“Ashton is actually getting between $800,000 and $900,000 an episode.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes of Juicy Couture’s “Viva la Juicy” ad campaign with sexy model Sasha Pivovarova.

Sure it may seem like Conan being very entertaining and occasionally profound is a winning commencement speech. But when I graduated from the University of Southern California, I was treated to a speech from Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. You can have your wit and platitudes…I’ll take political overtones and random phrases spouted in Spanish to make the Latino people in attendance applaud any day. It’s like getting your diploma and experiencing 3AM at a South Central-based Del Taco all in one swoop.

The Irish people would totally respond like that if President Obama were shit-faced in a speech like that. It’s like when you go to a country that speaks a different language, you have to give them a couple words they understand so they can get on board. Drunkspeak is like a soothing lullaby to those folks.

Personally, my favorite part of the video is that the YouTube version going around was uploaded by hip-hop beats site Dolobeats.com. Because when I think of people who know hip-hop, I think of two pasty white dudes shaving each other in a vaguely homoerotic fashion.

It is true though; as Destructoid’s Jim Sterling asked: “Did Reggie Fils-Aime [president if Nintendo of America] murder the family of somebody at The Sun?” Now they claim that playing the 3DS will result in feeling dizzy, a headache, AND high blood pressure?

Anyhow, glad to see the Taiwanese CGI crew on-top of things. Though they have yet to top their coverage of the late night talk show wars…

The Sun is officially obsessed with trashing the 3DS [Destructoid]

And PLENTY of people will want to break Kim Kardashian’s new record which features her new single “Jam.”

Thankfully, Conan O’Brien has the power and pull to do so.

Well, at the least the latter anyway.

Fortunately, the late-night host made up for the fact that he couldn’t do both by smashing Kimmy’s new single “Jam” with a live-action version of Angry Birds.

In the words of Coco, the “only way to make this horrible song stop playing” is to smash it with the live-action Angry Birds. And maybe a hammer.

Celebrity gossip items that you may have missed this week…

— Zooey Deschanel sent a raunchy, naked video of herself to her boyfriend… in 1998. They are just now hitting the Internet. And people say news travels faster because of the Internet. Pfffftt…

— Demi Lovato checked into a rehab center, but not the kind that Lindsay Lohan is in. This one is for her to get help for “emotional and physical issues.” Uh oh, “physical” issues? Anyone care to guess what that’s code for?

— Demi Lovato’s emotional issues may have had something to do with Ashley Greene now currently doinking her ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas. Or not.

— Speaking of Lindsay Lohan and rehab, she might not be on the hook for her medical bills as previously thought. All she has to do is serve as a “marketing consultant” for a Web site. A Web site that you can’t view at work unless you happen to work at a strip club.

— Bret Michaels had sex with Miley Cyrus’ mom, Tish. Or not.

— Charlie Sheen filed for divorce from his third wife Brooke Mueller. Or as I like to call it, firing a pre-emptive strike.

— The “true story” behind Conan O’Brien’s move to TBS (as told by Andy Richter).

— Keith Olbermann was suspended indefinitely by MSNBC. Sadly it was not just for him being a complete and utter douchebag.

— David Cassidy was arrested for DUI. You remember David Cassidy, right? You know, Katie Cassidy’s dad?

— Heidi Montag is researching stripping. Presumably for her next career move.

— Oh yeah, that whole “divorce” thing that Heidi and Spencer Pratt went through? Yeah, that was fake. They also claim to have filed for bankruptcy. I hope that’s not fake too.

— Kim Kardashian recorded a single. No, really, she did. It’s horrible so I know it was her.

— Justin Bieber wants his own private jet. Of course he does.

— Speaking of people with wayyyy too much money…

— And finally, Hulk Hogan whipped his dick out in front of his daughter Brooke for a video game commercial. Maybe he just thought he was Keith Richards or something.

This weekend’s sexy video comes to us from the fine folks over at FHM who were kind enough to shoot a video of one of my favorite British babes in lingerie, Kara Tointon, who also happens to be their cover girl this month. Giggity…

See more of Kara Tointon and other cover girls at FHM.com.

I think it could have used more McNuggets and gravy, but then again it’s the processing that makes it healthy. Conan looks to be chomping at the bit to get back to work. I guess having the same job for the past twenty years and then suddenly being unemployed will cause you to go a little crazy. Let’s hope that some of the craziness carries over to the new show. Since it’s on cable, I’m hoping they’ll have more room to do some edgier, weirder material.

Maybe a Pimpbot 6000??

Via Nextround.net

Well that was somewhat disappointing. I had heard a few places say that O’Brien wouldn’t be able to secure that name because a company that used to promote the Conan the Barbarian films already owned the rights to that particular moniker. But it looks like that wasn’t a problem in this case, as Conan will begin airing November 8th of this year. I just hope they’ll let him be more creative with the content than they were with actually naming the show.

They still lost to The Colbert Report, but it’s nice to know that we only have to wait a few more months till Conan takes over a new desk at TBS.

Watch Conan O’Brien’s Tonight Show Writers Apply For Minimum Wage Jobs [Movieline]

Ironically, Jon Stewart was about as tall lying on the ground as he was standing up. The man is far funnier than any of us could ever hope to be, but if ever a grown man looked like he would have been a good fit in “Gulliver’s Travels,” it was him being next to Colbert and O’Brien. Though he definitely has my vote for “TV Host I’d Most Likely Be Able to Put in My Pocket and Steal without Anyone Immediately Noticing.”

Get ready boys, Tara Reid is back on the open market. Tara and Internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann have broken off their engagement. My guess is he got cold feet. Not about getting married though, but about facing the reality that he’d have to spend the rest of his life looking at her (non-Photoshopped) stomach. Good move, Mike.

Remember last week when I reported that Lindsay Lohan skipped her court date to go shopping? Yeah, well, LiLo missed her court date again. This she says it’s because she couldn’t get a ride (she’s not allowed to drive as a condition of her probation). And since we all know there aren’t any taxis or limos (or other friends) in Hollywood, there was no way she could make it to court.

Oh well, it’s not like Lindsay Lohan’s dad tried to break into her apartment trying to have her arrested or anything. What’s that? That did happen? Of course it did.

Wellll, at leeeast she hasn’t been named a suspect in the theft of a $35,000 Rolex. Oh man, she has? Lindsay’s life really is the gift that keeps on giving.

LiLo isn’t the only one with daddy issues. It seems that Britney Spears’ dad has had enough of Brit-Brit running around without a bra showing off her pokies, so he has banned her from leaving the house without a bra. Great. Now we have NO reason to care about her anymore.

And remember last week when I told you that Kate Hudson got breast implants? Well, that may or may not be the case. Many in the press are speculating that based on these photos she is actually pregnant. Personally I don’t see it. For one thing, someone would have had to had sex with her, and since I didn’t read about it on Twitter then it didn’t happen. That’s how the world works now, right?

The news for Steven Seagal just keeps getting better. Two more women have come forward to claim they were sexually harassed by Mr. Seagal and one of them is Ray Charles’ granddaughter Blair Robinson. I know what you’re going to say. You didn’t see that one coming. At least Steve’s ex-wife, Kelly Le Brock isn’t getting ready to spill the beans in a book or anything. What’s that? She is? Uh oh.

Not all deviant sexual activity ends up with negative results though. Just ask Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. McGee got a gig to sign autographs, pose for photos and dance topless at Vegas’s Deja Vu Showgirls club. Her payment? In the $5,000 range. See girls? It pays well these days to be a homewrecking, tattooed stripper.

In other celebrity legal news, Heather Locklear was arrested for hit and run last Saturday for running over a No Parking sign. Seriously. At least this time there were no reports of her driving under the influence. Progress!

In shocking news, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are dropping the sexual harassment charges I reported to you last week. It may have something to do with this statement by an MTV, “We have looked into this matter and the allegations made against Adam DiVello are completely false and without merit.” Again, shocking.

Remember when Michael Douglas’ son, Cameron got arrested for drugs and other assorted criminal activity? Well, he just got sentenced to five years in the slam. Which isn’t bad considering the mandatory minimum sentence for his crimes is 10 years. Yes, you read that right. He got less than the “mandatory” minimum. Oh to be a celebrity relative.

In Kick-Ass news, one of the stars of the flick, 19 year-old Aaron Johnson, knocked up his girlfriend. Did I mention that his girlfriend is 42 year-old divorced director Sam Taylor-Wood? Knocking up a 42 year-old? Does that qualify as kick-ass?

In rare GOOD news, Jennifer Carpenter, the wife of Michael C. Hall, says the Dexter star is “fully recovered” from cancer and has returned to work. I know… good celebrity news? WTF is wrong with me?

And finally, it seems that George Lopez isn’t all that thrilled to have Conan O’Brien bumping him back an hour on TBS. Because, you know, having a great lead-in to a show that no one previously even knew was on the air is a bad thing?

“My wife doesn’t allow me to go to proms anymore with cute 16 year-old girls,” is pretty much the greatest thing ever put in a letter. Probably better than the alternative.

Anyway, to get this site some publicity, I’ll step up to the plate and take this girl to prom. Oh, right, it’s from 2003, so she’s like 23 years old now. Ew. Nevermind, Grandma. Nikki, get yourself some Metamucil on Guyism and call it a night. Them bowels ain’t loosening themselves at your advanced age.

Your Friend, Conan [Letters of Note]

While this isn’t shocking news, it will be interesting to see how Comedy Central’s Daily Show/Colbert Report fares against TBS and its newly formed duo of Conan O’Brien and George Lopez, who will be matched against them in the 11 PM time-slot starting this fall. It’ll be interesting to see how this scheduling dilemma affects cable television ratings, but it’s not as if these kings of comedy haven’t had to come to blows before.

Finally. A cable show rivalry that will actually be enjoyable to watch over the next few years.

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to Stay on Comedy Central Through 2012 Election [New York Times]

Via the Canucks Hockey Blog

Tweets Coco about the news: “The good news: I will be doing a show on TBS starting in November! The bad news: I’ll be playing Rudy on the all new Cosby Show.”

I’m not sure who this is bigger news for, Conan or George Lopez. People now know he has a late-night talk show!

Conan O’Brien — From TBD to TBS [TMZ]

Fresh off her Oscar win, Sandra Bullock has essentially confirmed rumors (by moving out of her house) that her husband Jesse James cheated on her with someone named Michelle “Bombshell” McGee (pictured above). To top it off, apparently Jesse didn’t even wear underwear or condoms while he was cheating. I guess he no longer “has her back”. He did apologize though. In a public letter, like we all do, when we cheat on our women.

Speaking of having a bad week, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was charged with selling booze to minors during a party at her house that ended with the drunk driving death of a teenager. Wait, it gets better. “Snooki’s” mom was home during the party. And just think, without Jersey Shore, none of us would have known about this. Yes, I hate MTV even more now too.

A little while back Lindsay Lohan did a bunch of bragging about how she “saved children” in her visit to India. One problem there… India says she didn’t and now they want to ban Lindsay from the country. Oh well, been there, done that, right Lilo?

Like we didn’t see this one coming… Eliot Spitzer’s high-priced call girl Ashley Dupre landed the cover of the May issue of Playboy magazine. One problem though: while lying down surrounded by candles for some of the photos, several strands of Ashley’s hair caught fire and had to be promptly extinguished. Much like my enthusiasm for anything Playboy has done with their magazine lately (online it’s still cool though!).

Michael Jackson just signed a $200 million record deal. That’s right, the dead Michael Jackson. Sony Music Entertainment is the buyer. In other news, Latoya Jackson is still weird-looking.

Speaking of Michael Jackson, the syringe used in Michael Jackson’s death may be auctioned for $5 million. Yep. You read that right. The Jackson family is said to be furious that someone is trying to profit from the Jackson’s death. As opposed to like they did when he was alive.

Last week I told you about how Heidi Montag dumped her ‘husband’ Spencer Pratt as her manager. Now comes news that Spencer’s not even welcome on the show that made him ‘famous’, The Hills. Something about him allegedly threatening to kill a female producer. Oh boy, the downhill slide is just beginning for Spencer. This is going to be fun.

Speaking of having problems Lady Gaga appeared to be having some on stage during her performance of Bad Romance in New Zealand recently. Gaga walked around looking disoriented, lip-synched half the song, was barely able to move her hands and spent most of the song lying down on the floor. In other words, she was doing her impression of a Britney Spears performance.

Sandy Bullock isn’t the only with significant other issues, Kate Winslet and her husband Sam Mendes broke up, and their lawyers said the split was entirely amicable, natch. Meanwhile, on the other side of the pond, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy are no more. A source told People magazine, “It wasn’t contentious. It had kind of just run its course … ” Much like Jamie’s career, it was bound to end sometime.

Getting shoved out of his TV dream job as Tonight Show host is going to make Conan O’Brien a movie star. Maybe. Early talks are underway to make a documentary our of his The Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour. The folks at NBC just keep looking smarter and smarter.

Mischa Barton (you remember her, right?) is broke. Again. Mischa was so hungry when she went grocery shopping on Monday night that she dipped into the groceries she was waiting in line to purchase and started eating some cooked pasta. That’s not even the funny bad part. When she went to pay her credit card was declined. Doh! Back to the casting couch!

Angelina Jolie was nailed by none other than Mick Jagger. In a new book called Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: The True Story, author Jenny Paul alleges that Angelina Jolie and Mick Jagger were getting it on while the rocker was still married to Jerry Hall. And then again six years later. So what does this do to Angie’s stock? Improve it or make you be like me and say, “Ewww…”?

Mickey Rourke recently told the UK’s Sun that he had sex with 14 women in one night. Says The Mick, “WAGs (wives and girlfriends of soccer stars) get an easy time. They should try living with Hollywood hell-raisers… British footballers have got nothing on us when it comes to women.” The guy just keeps getting better and better.

On the flip side of the coin, Gerard Butler says he ain’t gettin’ any. (Somehow I doubt that.) Gerard told Showbizspy.com: “I think I get laid less now than I used to, because I’m way more paranoid now — look at Tiger Woods!” In other words, he’s only hitting desperate Cougars like Jennifer Aniston these days, just to be safe.

Apparently Lindsay Lohan’s stupid lawsuit against E-Trade has her mother’s blessing. Shocking, I know. “They’re little babies doing this, mocking another child who’s just trying to survive Hollywood, basically,” said Dina Lohan. “I’m just basically glad I took a stand. I’m not going to let them do this to us anymore,” Dina Lohan said. “Everyone knows Lindsay, like Cher or Madonna.” Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Speaking of idiots, Lady Gaga refused to lift her veil and show her face during passport control at LAX landing her in a security room for 20 minutes. Is everyone as tired of this, how shall I put it (trying to be nice here)… moron as I am?

Demi Moore recently gave her potato head daughter Rumer some pole-dancing pointers at a party. One party-goer told Life & Style: “There was a pole at the bash, and Demi thought it would be fun to show everyone she still has what it takes. Demi even spun around the pole upside down.” Rumer, pole-dancing? I shudder at the mere thought.

Tom Cruise crashed his $72,000 Ducati motorcycle this week. Luckily Xenu was watching over him. According to two eyewitnesses who spoke to HollywoodLife.com, Tom crashed into a brown SUV, denting the SUV’s back tires, then five people helped Tom pick himself up and get the bike on its side. He then waited for paramedics but did not go with them. Next thing you know he’ll be denying he has sexual intercourse with a female. Of course, in his case, we’ll believe him.

Speaking of sexual intercourse… Zoe Saldana says that she loves sex. Good to know, right? Says Saldana, “S is for Sex. Love it, love it, love it… can’t live without it. I love sex. I love skin. I don’t believe the body is something to hide. I think in American society we’re messing up our kids by taking away the education on, and awareness of, our sexuality and replacing it with violence, guns and video games-and we’re breeding little criminals.” She should have stopped talking at “I love sex.”

Heidi Montag fired Spencer Pratt as her manager. Yes, the guy she is supposedly married to got fired by his ‘wife’. Pratt is being replaced with a Malibu-based psychic named Aiden Chase. I don’t make this stuff up, folks.

As everyone knows by now, Corey Haim died. What you may not have known is that he was dating Daisy de la Hoya at the time of his death. “I’m sooooooo devastated right now,” de la Hoya tweeted. “This is the worst day ever I can’t believe this.” Yeah, I don’t know why I am reporting this either.

And speaking of the dead… apparently the body of James Brown has disappeared. Says LaRhonda Pettit, James’ daughter, “My daddy’s body has disappeared. I have no clue where it was taken, but I need to know where.” Did the MC come out with the cape one last time?

File this under, go figure. Twilight’s Taylor Lautner may not be as ripped as the movie’s posters would like you to think. Photoshop, anyone?

After weeks of speculation, former Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien announced today that he will headline a two-month, 30-city tour that will kick off April 12. The tour is titled Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television. No word yet on whether Triumph will be his opening act.

And speaking of Conan, last week (I think it was last week) I gave you his Twitter account in case you wanted to follow him during his ‘hiatus’. Turns out he has (at least) eight accounts. Not bad for a guy who made fun of Twitter at one point along the way.