Via Boat Crime comes this comic about introducing your loved one to your friends.

I once had a life-sucking parasite attached to me at all times…but then I broke up with her! HA HA HA HA…no but seriously women, you’re terrible.

If I ]]>

Via Boat Crime comes this comic about introducing your loved one to your friends.

I once had a life-sucking parasite attached to me at all times…but then I broke up with her! HA HA HA HA…no but seriously women, you’re terrible.

If I were an alien lifeform though, I’d be pretty offended by these representations of me in popular media. Always probing rectums or sucking our life essences. Yet whenever I call the ACLU looking for a protest on behalf of our alien brethren, I’m the crazy person. I’M SORRY FOR CARING, jerks.

Via Explosm comes this comic about something I think we all hate just a little.

That’s pretty clever, but not totally original. A friend of mine once came out of the closet to me in the exact same way. I had no clue ]]>

Via Explosm comes this comic about something I think we all hate just a little.

That’s pretty clever, but not totally original. A friend of mine once came out of the closet to me in the exact same way. I had no clue he was gay, so I was completely taken aback. It did damage our relationship though, I’m ashamed to admit. How could I ever accept oral sex from him again? I’ll be damned if I let some fag blow me. Straight dudes only, I say.

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this comic about thinking outside the box.

That’s a pretty crafty way out of a relationship. I’ve had similar ideas before. Like with this one girl, I figured that I could get out of the relationship without ]]>

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this comic about thinking outside the box.

That’s a pretty crafty way out of a relationship. I’ve had similar ideas before. Like with this one girl, I figured that I could get out of the relationship without even telling her. And it totally worked out. It probably helped that we only slept together once and every time I ran into her after that, she seemed to sprint in the opposite direction. Oh the games girls play!

Via Channelate comes this graphic illustration of what seems to be the perfect crime.

You know what probably happened? The two swordfish were probably hanging out, talking and whatever. They had a little too much fishbeer and got a little too fishdrunk, started ]]>

Via Channelate comes this graphic illustration of what seems to be the perfect crime.

You know what probably happened? The two swordfish were probably hanging out, talking and whatever. They had a little too much fishbeer and got a little too fishdrunk, started horsing around. Then there was an uncomfortable moment where they crossed swords and they both kind of liked it, but didn’t talk about it after then. The awkwardness was too much for Swordfish 1 to bear. So he plotted this moment, intricately, for days, weeks even. It might have been easier to just tell Swordfish 2 how he really felt for him. But that was a courage Swordfish 1 never had.

Yeah I can pretty much turn anything gay.

Via Explosm comes this comic about guys just being guys, talking guy stuff about broads.

This is the problem with men…a guy just wants to take a lady out for a nice date and all of a sudden he’s a sissy. What, just ]]>

Via Explosm comes this comic about guys just being guys, talking guy stuff about broads.

This is the problem with men…a guy just wants to take a lady out for a nice date and all of a sudden he’s a sissy. What, just because I want to treat a woman nice, it’s an assault on my masculinity? Not that all women deserve to be treated nice or anything, because most of you are idiots, but I’d like to be able to do so because I’m a pretty big advocate for women. So long as they’re putting out. That’s what feminism is, you guys.

Via Toothpaste for Dinner comes this comic about the necessary experience required to be a successful beat boxer.

Beat boxing is one of those things where it’s really impressive to see, but ultimately it’s a pretty worthless skill set. Unless you could turn ]]>

Via Toothpaste for Dinner comes this comic about the necessary experience required to be a successful beat boxer.

Beat boxing is one of those things where it’s really impressive to see, but ultimately it’s a pretty worthless skill set. Unless you could turn it into something with classical influences. Think outside the box, people. The best beat boxers are stutterers though. Everything they say sounds like a hip-hop classic to me.

Via ChannelAte comes this comic about the first applications of telekinetics.

It really comes down to the fact that any technology created is going to result in being used to display pornography. We could have robots that fight our wars and help teach ]]>

Via ChannelAte comes this comic about the first applications of telekinetics.

It really comes down to the fact that any technology created is going to result in being used to display pornography. We could have robots that fight our wars and help teach our children, but within a decade, people would be just using them as jizz receptacles. But robots have feelings too. Would it kill you to take Blartron out for a nice oil dinner every now and then? Or clean up after yourself sometimes? They’re robots, not whores.

Via Explosm comes this comic about how the old “sitting in a tree” kids’ rhyme should go these days, if rhymes were keeping it real.

Whatever happened to kids’ rhymes anyway? All the ones that kids have are old and worthless. So where ]]>

Via Explosm comes this comic about how the old “sitting in a tree” kids’ rhyme should go these days, if rhymes were keeping it real.

Whatever happened to kids’ rhymes anyway? All the ones that kids have are old and worthless. So where did these come from? Like “Ring Around the Rosies” was about the BLACK PLAGUE…I think we’ve moved past that. Maybe someone should show a little initiative and get these kids something new. Modern diseases are wholly underrepresented in the rhyming world. I don’t want to speak for anyone here, but I’m pretty sure AIDS is a little offended. He’s just too shy to admit it publicly.

Via Thingpart comes this comic about the fragility of life and a magical dog who knows CPR.

I love animals and I long thought that having a talking dog or cat would be awesome. And it probably would be, for like a week. ]]>

Via Thingpart comes this comic about the fragility of life and a magical dog who knows CPR.

I love animals and I long thought that having a talking dog or cat would be awesome. And it probably would be, for like a week. Then, once that week was up and your animal had seen all the awful things you do or started to talk down to you because they’re in the room while you’re taking some sexy alone time, you’d probably want your animal to shut up again. Plus dogs would totally tell all your friends about the time you started crying after beating off because you missed your girlfriend and the song Roxanne came on and her name was Roxanne. Decorum and tact are not two traits I’d associate with an animal who regularly licks its genitals in public areas.

Via Overcompensating comes perhaps the most poignant comic about the universal health care debate you could possibly read. Which is like competing for the crown of best surgeon with Parkinson’s, but still.

I’m kind of torn on the concept of universal healthcare. I’m ]]>

Via Overcompensating comes perhaps the most poignant comic about the universal health care debate you could possibly read. Which is like competing for the crown of best surgeon with Parkinson’s, but still.

I’m kind of torn on the concept of universal healthcare. I’m all for poor people getting the same benefits as the wealthy, but I’m not sure that I want to pay for it. Every time I make a transaction with a less-fortunate person, I prefer to to do it myself so that I can see the look on their face when I do it. Also you can’t barter for sexual favors via a long-distance governmental deduction of my pay. That’d be the day! And what a day it would be.

Via Basic Instructions comes this comic on how to set and, more importantly, achieve a long-term goal. Inspirational.

I don’t like setting goals. Invariably, I do, but I hate doing it. Because then when you can’t accomplish your goal, there’s no sense of ]]>

Via Basic Instructions comes this comic on how to set and, more importantly, achieve a long-term goal. Inspirational.

I don’t like setting goals. Invariably, I do, but I hate doing it. Because then when you can’t accomplish your goal, there’s no sense of failure quite as profound. But what if your goal was to not achieve a particular goal? Then you achieved your goal by failing. If you’re a robot reading this, that paradox just made your head explode. Unfortunately I’m not too big in the robot community. Probably not enough jokes in binary.

Via Dueling Analogs comes this comic that explains the problems behind Twitter’s recent outage and a visit from a special guest.

This comic points out something to me indirectly which I never considered before…there are really no kids on Twitter. I guess it’s ]]>

Via Dueling Analogs comes this comic that explains the problems behind Twitter’s recent outage and a visit from a special guest.

This comic points out something to me indirectly which I never considered before…there are really no kids on Twitter. I guess it’s the lack of shiny pictures and toys to play with and the fact that kids have the attention span and pithiness of a retarded monkey. But what makes that even odder is that there are a lot of creepy older men who run “social media marketing” companies whom if you’d seen them on the street, you’d probably go, “Oh yeah, that dude kind of looks like a kidtoucher.” So the question is…what ARE they planning?

Via Chainsawsuit comes this comic about lightning and various lightning-related endeavors.

I’m ashamed to admit that I’m pretty terrified of lightning. Every time I hear lightning, I run under the bed, cowering and covered in tears. It sounds crazy, but it’s totally true. ]]>

Via Chainsawsuit comes this comic about lightning and various lightning-related endeavors.

I’m ashamed to admit that I’m pretty terrified of lightning. Every time I hear lightning, I run under the bed, cowering and covered in tears. It sounds crazy, but it’s totally true. Though, in my defense, lightning did inappropriately touch me as a child. But you try getting an amorphous flash of electricity to register as a sex offender..good luck!

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this comic about adorable kitty cats.

I’d totally own a Nazi cat if they were out there. It would probably be awkward if they started mauling my Jewish friends, but nobody’s perfect. Plus then I wouldn’t have ]]>

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this comic about adorable kitty cats.

I’d totally own a Nazi cat if they were out there. It would probably be awkward if they started mauling my Jewish friends, but nobody’s perfect. Plus then I wouldn’t have to do the mauling all by myself. Win, meet win.

Via Dustinland comes the most logical argument for having a baby that any woman could ever provide.

Since I care a lot about the ladies, I’ll give you a couple more bombs to drop on the man you want to fill you with ]]>

Via Dustinland comes the most logical argument for having a baby that any woman could ever provide.

Since I care a lot about the ladies, I’ll give you a couple more bombs to drop on the man you want to fill you with seed.

-No need to use condoms or pull out; a big coup for a man…it’s like the difference between finishing a race by crossing the finish line or finishing it because your car flipped 10 times and caught on fire.
-Saving money on dairy; When you’re having a baby, you basically become a cow, capable of being milked for ice creams or cereals or dairy. Sure it’s a little tangy, but we’re in a recession baby, you got to make cuts somewhere.

So there you go girls. Let it never be said that Chris doesn’t care.

Via Reddit comes this old comic chronicling the friendship between Donald Duck and Goofy.

This is really the difference between kids’ entertainment now and then. Now, if Spongebob were to kick Patrick in the groin and laugh because, whatever dude, you’re an obese ]]>

Via Reddit comes this old comic chronicling the friendship between Donald Duck and Goofy.

This is really the difference between kids’ entertainment now and then. Now, if Spongebob were to kick Patrick in the groin and laugh because, whatever dude, you’re an obese starfish, how about you not act all uppity, parents would probably boycott for weeks saying it’s a bad influence on kids. But if you look at this, Donald Duck basically said, “Hey Goofy, you hit me in the face with a fish, so in return, I’m going to allow you to die alone in a large body of water.” A subtle difference, but still. And now we know where Scott Peterson got his ideas from.

Via XKCD comes this comic about what could have happened during President Obama’s “beer of peace” yesterday at the White House.

I have to say, I like that President Obama tackles problems head on like this. He saw a brewing problem that struck ]]>

Via XKCD comes this comic about what could have happened during President Obama’s “beer of peace” yesterday at the White House.

I have to say, I like that President Obama tackles problems head on like this. He saw a brewing problem that struck a chord with a lot of people and he said, “Hey, let’s hash this out.” With previous administrations, this may have ended with a strangling of some operative and an invasion of the immediate Cambridge area. Don’t worry, it’s totally cool, they want democracy. And mortar shells embedded in their skulls. Price of freedom, kids.

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this comic about the key difference between what men will do and what women will.

I wouldn’t f a gorilla or even a small chimp. It’s nothing against the monkeys or their AIDS so I hope any ]]>

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this comic about the key difference between what men will do and what women will.

I wouldn’t f a gorilla or even a small chimp. It’s nothing against the monkeys or their AIDS so I hope any monkey reading this doesn’t get too offended since I get more than enough feces thrown at me already. I just don’t get the appeal of f’ing an animal. Crazy, I know. Animals are for eating or petting. Granted, you could probably throw f’ing into there and not skip a beat, but I’ll be damned if I eat another venison and hunter semen sandwich.

Via Pictures for Sad Children comes this comic about the efforts of the workers at Target.

I’m not sure if I ever told this story on here, but I once committed a heinous robbery at Sesame Place, the Sesame Street-themed amusement park. I ]]>

Via Pictures for Sad Children comes this comic about the efforts of the workers at Target.

I’m not sure if I ever told this story on here, but I once committed a heinous robbery at Sesame Place, the Sesame Street-themed amusement park. I stormed into the the merchandise store guns ablazing and stole the most priceless object I could find in the form of an Oscar the Grouch pocket pencil sharpener. I was the baddest 3 year-old gangster you’ve ever seen. Other than the part where I cried when I got back to the hotel room with my parents because I stole something and thought I was going to go to Hell. Man have my standards for eternal damnation changed since then.

Via See Mike Draw comes this comic about the perils of online friendship.

Though I joke about it often, I can’t say I condone pedophilia. I get it’s probably not a lifestyle choice and rather some sort of mental illness, but I can’t ]]>

Via See Mike Draw comes this comic about the perils of online friendship.

Though I joke about it often, I can’t say I condone pedophilia. I get it’s probably not a lifestyle choice and rather some sort of mental illness, but I can’t say I approve (I’m going out on a limb here). Now I think if you know about someone in your life perhaps dabbling in childfery, you need to take it upon yourself to help. Not by greasing the monkey bars in the hopes that a child will knock himself unconscious, but rather by thinking outside the box. Hire a little person, put him in one of those propeller hats and Osh Kosh B’Goshes and have him prance around. It’s like the vampires drinking a blood substitute on True Blood out of a bottle; sure, maybe it’s not as delicious, but it’s better than ending up covered in blood and filled with remorse.