EnglishRussia unearthed a profile of a real doll seemingly living a full, human woman-ish life on Russian social network VK. So the question is: Would ya?

I’m not sure I can adequately convey how sad it makes me that this doll seems to have had more adventures ]]>

EnglishRussia unearthed a profile of a real doll seemingly living a full, human woman-ish life on Russian social network VK. So the question is: Would ya?

I’m not sure I can adequately convey how sad it makes me that this doll seems to have had more adventures in life than I have. That said, a Russian dude doesn’t ejaculate into me while pretending to be me on social media Web sites. Point: Chris.

Kendall Jenner is a teenager. Being a teenager, she posted the above photo on her Instagram saying “Miss summer! #tan” Media outlets were a combination of disgusted and titillated. Guys were creeps. Here are the most particularly disturbing tweets.

11 ]]>

Kendall Jenner is a teenager. Being a teenager, she posted the above photo on her Instagram saying “Miss summer! #tan” Media outlets were a combination of disgusted and titillated. Guys were creeps. Here are the most particularly disturbing tweets.

11 @ashiin__kusherr

How generous of you!

10 @DeanValles

New rule: If your hairline appears to be receding in your avatar, you can’t comment on the hotness of teens on social media Web sites.

9 @CFSalgado

Not guilty enough not to lecherously repost the pic, mind you. Just somewhat. Glad we could clear that up.

8 @neelsonP

I’m going to assume that’s something about spreading her buttcheeks. Who has time to check Google Translate? Not this guy here.

7 @james_donohoe1

Sweet, bro. Pretty sure 16-year-old multimillionaire Kendall Jenner is trolling her @ mentions looking for a creepy guy attempting to appear pensive in his computer chair. I like your chances.

6 @trf205gp

He was probably laying his jacket over a puddle for a woman as he wrote this message. I presume that’s the only way someone could end up typing with no regard for spelling or letter case like that.

5 @DASHING_KARA

I find the directness here to be the most unnerving.

4 @RushHrHandles

Well, driving and masturbating simultaneously is quite difficult. Uh..I presume.

3 @Zekokowscaliswagg

Commenting on a 10th grader’s ass may seem declassé, but when you factor in the caps lock and lack of punctuation, there’s a degree of class captured here you may have initially missed.

2 @BasedGrandma

I don’t think that’s actually Oprah Winfrey.

1 @stu_pidcock07

Perhaps being on Twitter can fulfill Kendall Jenner’s health/sex-ed class requirements for school. She’s learning so much about human biology!

Despite being wildly overrated (yeah, I said it), Pippa Middleton really made an impact on some people with her coming-out showing at sister Kate’s wedding to Prince William. Maybe she’s regretting her meteoric (bottle rocketic?) rise to fame now since she can’t even ski without some creep kissing her.

Despite being wildly overrated (yeah, I said it), Pippa Middleton really made an impact on some people with her coming-out showing at sister Kate’s wedding to Prince William. Maybe she’s regretting her meteoric (bottle rocketic?) rise to fame now since she can’t even ski without some creep kissing her.

Middleton completed a 56-mile Swedish ski course in seven hours, 13 minutes and 36 seconds, finishing 412th out of 15,800 racers.

When she crossed the finish line, she was greeted by the random overly enthusiastic local gentleman above. He presented her with a wreath — presumably the ceremonial Swedish 412th place wreath — and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

It is unclear if Pippa called her sister and had him executed. One can only hope.

Pippa Middleton pictured shaping up ahead of cross-country ski race [Daily Mail]

David Peters was arrested for 40 felony counts of child porn possession, automatically labeling a Super Creep. But he’s evolving like an RPG character by wearing this shirt during his mugshot photo.

Not a particularly compelling story beyond the wardrobe choices involved, but you can

David Peters was arrested for 40 felony counts of child porn possession, automatically labeling a Super Creep. But he’s evolving like an RPG character by wearing this shirt during his mugshot photo.

Not a particularly compelling story beyond the wardrobe choices involved, but you can read more about the arrest at RecordPub.com.

T-Shirt Makes Creepy Child Pornography Mugshot Creepier [Buzzfeed]

There’s obsessive, there’s super obsessive, and then there’s “recreating dozens of Robert Pattinson photos and posting them on Facebook.” Based on the headline, you can guess which of these things you’re about to see in this post.

You can see even more ]]>

There’s obsessive, there’s super obsessive, and then there’s “recreating dozens of Robert Pattinson photos and posting them on Facebook.” Based on the headline, you can guess which of these things you’re about to see in this post.

You can see even more of these photos at Buzzfeed.

Reddit also points us to this collection of Photoshops from our friends at The Chive with what seems to be the same girl.

This girl is either the world’s finest troll or might have the most distorted view of reality society has ever seen. I’m really rooting for the latter. I enjoy terrifying people on the Internet as much as anyone, but there’s a point where even if it were intended to be funny, it still comes full circle back to being creepy. It’s like when you play ‘Gay Chicken’ with someone and they refuse to back down and you end up in a vaguely homosexual situation; just because it started ironically doesn’t mean the end result isn’t exactly what it looks like.

This Girl Really Likes Robert Pattinson [Buzzfeed]

Dr. Kimberly Lindsey is a deputy director for the Laboratory Science Policy and Practice Program Office at the CDC. She’s also accused of molesting a 6-year-old boy with her boyfriend and having sex with animals. Which will go first on her resumé? You decide! Police say that ]]>

Dr. Kimberly Lindsey is a deputy director for the Laboratory Science Policy and Practice Program Office at the CDC. She’s also accused of molesting a 6-year-old boy with her boyfriend and having sex with animals. Which will go first on her resumé? You decide!

Police say that Lindsey and boyfriend Thomas Westerman brought the 6-year-old boy into their home in January and August of this year.

According to police, Lindsey “allowed the boy to spank Lindsey’s nude buttocks and let him use an electric sex toy on her.”

When raiding the couple’s home, police also found photos of Lindsey performing lewd acts on two house pets [EDITOR"S NOTE: Because there's no way better to control disease than having sex with an animal, like those old urban legends about AIDS have taught us.].

Officials have yet to release information on how Lindsey and Westerman procured the boy on the two separate occasions.

Lindsey is being held in Jail on a $20,000 bond awaiting charges related to the molestation. She also faces a felony bestiality charge for her acts with the animals.

Let’s put the animals thing aside for a second…creepy, yes. Not THAT uncommon, though. But in my eyes, this thing with the kid is even weirder than people who get arrested for having sex with a child. If the reports are true, Lindsey and her boyfriend brought a kid into her home just to spank her and diddle her with a sex toy, making it less like a mental illness and more like a seemingly normal woman just being a complete degenerate.

Plus why would you risk jail time to have a little kid spank your ass? He’s got little kid hands and he’s probably not too strong. I can’t imagine that’d be too satisfying. Like eating one slider hamburger for dinner. Hardly worth tarnishing a reputation for, I’d say.

CDC official, boyfriend charged with molesting child [WBS TV]

I really can’t emphasize enough how not-safe-for-life this is. But watch it. In this clip you’ll see a man who built himself a tent shaped like a woman’s body that’s large enough to sleep in. And, naturally, you enter and exit through the vagina part of the tent.

I really can’t emphasize enough how not-safe-for-life this is. But watch it. In this clip you’ll see a man who built himself a tent shaped like a woman’s body that’s large enough to sleep in. And, naturally, you enter and exit through the vagina part of the tent.

I think we’ve all known a gal or two whom you could this do with, am I right, fellas who like to say things like that to overcome their undersized genitals?

Seriously, I don’t know why someone would do this. I’d wager “art” but, come on. Stop. Just stop.

Man Builds Vagina That’s Big Enough To Sleep In [Jezebel]

Have you ever wondered how creeps do their magical upskirt filming? This video by a Brooklyn artist named Normal Bob Smith keeps an eye on some old creep trying to film girls’ panties and it’s both amusing, horrifying, and insightful.

I feel like a learned ]]>

Have you ever wondered how creeps do their magical upskirt filming? This video by a Brooklyn artist named Normal Bob Smith keeps an eye on some old creep trying to film girls’ panties and it’s both amusing, horrifying, and insightful.

I feel like a learned a lot about not just public creeps, but about the human condition. And girls’ panties. Really a win for all.

That’s horrifying though, especially if you’re a girl. This is exactly why whenever I see a confused older man with a camera, I just pull my penis out and swing it around for him to get a good luck. “Let’s skip the foreplay, sailor. I know what you came here to see,” I often say as they have a heart attack and die. “He died as he lived; terrified of my flapping genitalia.”

To Catch a Peeping Tom in Union Square [Gawker]

Does rejoicing in the life failure of others make you happy? Then come on board this magical adventure with me as we view a lady having an obscenely depressing meal on a public bus.

Maybe this lady is just smarter than all of us. She’s getting ]]>

Does rejoicing in the life failure of others make you happy? Then come on board this magical adventure with me as we view a lady having an obscenely depressing meal on a public bus.

Maybe this lady is just smarter than all of us. She’s getting her daily nutritional requirements of eggs, oil, and, uh, whatever other disgusting things are there swimming around in mayo. Plus it’s probably the same consistency as the blood coursing through her veins, making for great fuel efficiency.

I salute you, Creepy Bus Mayo Lady. You’re onto something. That something may angina, but it’s something.

This Picture Gives Me Chills [Buzzfeed]

I don’t know any of the background of this, specifically why there are two jailbait-y girls racing to change clothes in the middle of a large public event while Taio Cruz plays, but it doesn’t matter. Check out the dude filming the girls changing and laugh and laugh your day ]]>

I don’t know any of the background of this, specifically why there are two jailbait-y girls racing to change clothes in the middle of a large public event while Taio Cruz plays, but it doesn’t matter. Check out the dude filming the girls changing and laugh and laugh your day away.

You know what? Good for this dude. It’s much better he’s out in a throng of a couple hundred people stopping him from getting too crazy rather than being a gross creeper in his house or, worse, luring teen girls in with promises of wine coolers and “not being raped”. Like that ever happens.

Either way, that guy’s day was made. And a Dora the Explorer lunch box got to live to see another day. Everybody wins!!

Here’s the Creepiest Man Drooling Over Young Girls Ever [BroBible]

This story was briefly touched upon in today’s Guyism Speed Round (that little video you see on the sidebar of this post) but the story of two hot Bulgarian girls being secretly videotaped is so sexy interesting that it needs to be covered again. today’s Guyism Speed Round (that little video you see on the sidebar of this post) but the story of two hot Bulgarian girls being secretly videotaped is so sexy interesting that it needs to be covered again.

The improperly recorded victims, Vanya Samokovareva and Ralitsa Dzhambazova

The 22 and 23-year-old victims, Vanya and Ralitsa, were shocked to find multiple cameras all over their apartment on Monday. The duo, visiting students from Bulgaria, has been living in their Tampa apartment for three months.

The duo, who made money modeling upon moving to the states, were subleased the apartment through an agency called Sky Travel which finds housing for Bulgarian students looking to come to the US for the summer to improve their English.

Though they joked that all of the smoke detectors around the house might have been wired to capture video, the two girls didn’t realize how right they were until a male former roommate pulled a smoke detector down and found a serial number that indicated it was actually a spy camera.

It’s unclear at this time whether it was the student travel company, the landlord, or another party. For now, the Bulgarian girls plan to live out their remaining month in the apartment with all of the possible cameras removed.

This is obviously a horrible invasion of privacy and it’s pretty creepish to go, “Yeah, but they’re hot.” I mean, yes, it obviously makes the story sexier than if it were two water buffalo being filmed, but you can’t support this type of behavior. Getting to see a woman naked is privilege, often hard-earned through drinks, charm, and occasionally making women hate themselves. A camera upsets the natural order of things. Who’s to say that someone seeing these girls naked who didn’t deserve it doesn’t set off a butterfly effect that ends in us being enslaved by a race of intellectually supercharged apes? Would it be worth it then? Maybe. But still. Apes.

Two women Bulgarian students find hidden cameras in apartment near Westchase [St. Petersburg Times]

High school counselor Thomas Henry Ceglarek pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography and perjury (the former of which is a shocker given his “I’m totally not a pedo” mustache). Not the usual fun story we cover here…until he walked into a pole while trying to cover his ]]>

High school counselor Thomas Henry Ceglarek pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography and perjury (the former of which is a shocker given his “I’m totally not a pedo” mustache). Not the usual fun story we cover here…until he walked into a pole while trying to cover his face from cameras after being sentenced to four years in jail.

Ironically, it was others innocently walking into poles that got him into this trouble in the first place. Traumatic, memory-erasing poles.

Either way, when you’re walking into a pole live on the news and that’s not even top five in your embarrassments (did you SEE that mustache) you’re definitely onto something. Something entirely disgraceful that is going to make it very difficult for you to get a windowless van, but still something.

An Estonian reporter went to a punk rock festival to try to wrap her head around the cultural phenomena. And it led to some creepy “so punk” dude pulling down her top. Video is really mildly NSFW but worth it for the reporter’s horrified reaction.

SEXUAL ASSAULT! SO PUNK ]]>

An Estonian reporter went to a punk rock festival to try to wrap her head around the cultural phenomena. And it led to some creepy “so punk” dude pulling down her top. Video is really mildly NSFW but worth it for the reporter’s horrified reaction.

SEXUAL ASSAULT! SO PUNK ROCK!

All I know is that the look in that Estonian chick’s eyes is not one I’d want to come across after pulling down her top. I wouldn’t be shocked if, as the camera turned back to the stage, that little punk rock fancy boy found himself with a quick slit of the throat. Estonian girls don’t play that game, son.

[Thanks for the tip, Garrett!]

Last week the world was treated to NYC subway video of some dude stripping buck naked on a subway and going insane. This week, we get the other side of subway demeanor: A man showing off his tremendous etiquette skills in the form of ]]>

Last week the world was treated to NYC subway video of some dude stripping buck naked on a subway and going insane. This week, we get the other side of subway demeanor: A man showing off his tremendous etiquette skills in the form of vigorously licking shoes while on the train.

Sure, it looks insane when he’s going at the sole of his shoe like a cat who just got sutures after getting spayed. But how else is going to look fresh and clean for the rest of society when he gets back above ground? What, should he use a napkin? Or some sort of shoe cleaner? Get out of here with your crazy theories.

The irony of it all is that I feel like crap after catching some sort of flulike bug last week but I bet the guy licking his shoes in the middle of a subway car is the epitome of health. And his tongue smells like a pleasant milieu of previously chewed gum and dog shit. Days like this make me shake my fist at the sky.

When attempting to come up with a clever scheme as a pervert, it’s important to really spread your wings creatively and push the envelope. Sadly, one man’s crafty idea to dress up like a female mannequin in the women’s bathroom was just too clever for his own good. Englishman Joel ]]>

When attempting to come up with a clever scheme as a pervert, it’s important to really spread your wings creatively and push the envelope. Sadly, one man’s crafty idea to dress up like a female mannequin in the women’s bathroom was just too clever for his own good.

'This is so weird. I swear I heard that mannequin say, 'Yeah, you take that dump,' then groan.'

Police say the University of Birmingham student was seen sneaking into women’s toilets “dressed like a mannequin with a mask and a wig” in early April.

When accosted by security guards, Hardman told them that he had been masturbating and had “been a bit weird.”

According to the police report, Hardman found the sound of the women going to the bathroom to be intriguing. He hoped that getting caught will lead him to stop.

Hardman was released on bail so long as he stays away from public toilets.

It’s certainly not a normal situation when you need to hang out in bathrooms and listen to women defecate in order to get off. At the same time though, this kid had a dream and a plan to achieve it and he really went after it. In many ways, he’s a modern British hero. And boy do they need one. The most recent British totem of masculinity is Robert Pattinson. I’d take silently masturbating to some chick’s Panda Express-induced BMs over some dude with pouty lips looking off in the distance soulfully all the time any day.

Man dressed as mannequin found in mall toilet [NineMSN via Geekologie]

Hot girls, sexual deviancy, and beating up homeless people? While this may seem like three great tastes that go great together, SheFights.net is accused of all sorts of badness related to exploiting the South Florida homeless community. A local homeless advocate helped file a lawsuit against ]]>

Hot girls, sexual deviancy, and beating up homeless people? While this may seem like three great tastes that go great together, SheFights.net is accused of all sorts of badness related to exploiting the South Florida homeless community.

A local homeless advocate helped file a lawsuit against the Web site after allegedly coming across dozens of homeless men with injuries ranging from broken ribs to fractured skulls.

One St. Petersburg area homeless man spoke to a local CBS affiliate claiming that he was paid $50 for services rendered. Those services? “[They p]ut me up in a tree and [a hot girl] whipped me with a whip…they kicked the crap out of me.”

The site claims to offer “semi-competitive and competitive wrestling, MMA, and kickboxing sessions [captured on video], as well as beatdowns (which we really love!)”.

A judge ordered the SheFights Web site manager, Jeffrey Williams, not to take down SheFights or alter the videos in any way so that the evidence could be preserved for trial.

Williams told CBS affiliate WTSP that he will be vindicated in any trial.

On the one hand, I can’t exactly condone pulling a real life version of “American Psycho” on the homeless, only with hot chicks in the place of Patrick Bateman with an Internet audience of some sketchy dudes masturbating creepily all the way. But on the other hand, if they paid the homeless guys, had them sign a waiver, and they agreed, is there anything legally wrong with that? Just because some people like really sick things and there are people in a crappy enough situation to take part doesn’t mean that it needs to no longer exist.

If anything, I’m much less perturbed by this real life pseudo-S&M than I am by stuff like a crush fetish, which consists of people into watching attractive women crush things ranging from fruit to small animals. Last I checked, a hamster never agreed to those videos because he refused to go to rehab for his crippling addictions. Lemmiwinks>Bad decision-making hobos.

Homeless were paid $50 to be beaten by women for fetish video, says lawsuit [CBS News]

Cricket’s a big deal in a lot of countries. So perhaps the gentleman in this video with the creepy 1000-yard stare has just been so shaken to his core by Bangladesh’s performance that he doesn’t know how to react. Or he’s criminally insane. Perhaps both!

I would not want ]]>

Cricket’s a big deal in a lot of countries. So perhaps the gentleman in this video with the creepy 1000-yard stare has just been so shaken to his core by Bangladesh’s performance that he doesn’t know how to react. Or he’s criminally insane. Perhaps both!

I would not want to see this dude in a dark alley. Or a lit alley. Really any alley. He’s simultaneously threatening me, yet luring me in with his soft attempts at a smile. Like he’d aggressively make out with my while stabbing me in the stomach. Either way, this guy needs to be Bangladesh’s new head of tourism. Sure, he’d make even less people come, but I could definitely live with his stare hitting me from banner ads. It’d keep me on my toes/occasionally soiling myself. I need that.

Creepy Cricket Fan Stares Into Your Soul [Urlesque]

I’m 100% tattoo free so perhaps I’m ill equipped to speak about someone using their body as an art form. But The Sun’s report on Miljenko Parserisas Bukovic, a man with 82 tattoos of Julia Roberts’ face all over his body, mildly horrified me. The Sun’s report on Miljenko Parserisas Bukovic, a man with 82 tattoos of Julia Roberts’ face all over his body, mildly horrified me.

Key stats on this well-adjusted individual, via Vulture:

-Bukovic is 56 years old
-He has tattoos of Roberts all over his entire body (more pictures here)
-He sells newspapers in Chile for a living
-He claims that he decided to get the tattoos after seeing Julia Roberts’ work in “Erin Brokovich” and fell in love with her
-The cost of his tattoos totals over $2,000
-He is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the only man to both see and vigorously masturbate to Roberts’ performance in “Eat Pray Love”.

I may have made one of those facts up.

Man has 82 tatts of Julia Roberts [The Sun]
Meet the Man With 82 Tattoos of Julia Roberts’s Face [Vulture]

I know whenever I’ve stepped foot in a Waffle House, I’ve thought, “Damn, this place is classy and full of hot chicks.” Well keep your pants on as best you can while I tell you this tale of Jennifer Pulsifer, a woman accused of sexually harassing a female coworker at ]]>

I know whenever I’ve stepped foot in a Waffle House, I’ve thought, “Damn, this place is classy and full of hot chicks.” Well keep your pants on as best you can while I tell you this tale of Jennifer Pulsifer, a woman accused of sexually harassing a female coworker at a Waffle House in Louisiana.

Louisiana police say that Pulsifer, 32, fondled the female coworker at a Waffle House where the pair worked in the town of Mandeville.

According to the police report, Pulsifer allegedly “ran her hand between the victim’s legs and caressed the woman’s genitals while she was bending down to pick up some change that had fallen on the floor.”

The victim “expressed her displeasure” — though it’s unclear what exactly that entailed — but ignored the situation.

Pulsifer continued to make sexual remarks to the victim, but the final straw was when she put her hand down the victim’s bra and fondled her breast in front of witnesses.

The victim then quit her job and filed charges with local police.

Pulsifer was booked on one count of sexual battery and one count of simple battery. She was already being held in jail for unrelated drug charges.

Sexual harassment isn’t okay. But still, if this were between two attractive ladies, it becomes a hot sapphic version of that Michael Douglas/Demi Moore movie, “Disclosure”. And now it’s boner-killing time. Here’s the pic of Ms. Pulsifer.

They say sexual harassment is an ugly crime. Now you understand why.

This is a furry dressed up in a “sexy” fox costume. The video is set to silly music. I don’t see any reason why you wouldn’t watch this.

What’s most horrifying to me about this is that A) Odds are that someone is vigorously masturbating to this right now, ]]>

This is a furry dressed up in a “sexy” fox costume. The video is set to silly music. I don’t see any reason why you wouldn’t watch this.

What’s most horrifying to me about this is that A) Odds are that someone is vigorously masturbating to this right now, B) The fox’s gradual removal of clothing, C) That bicycle seat probably smells most unpleasant, and D) I’m 99% sure that fox is actually a man. Now I’m not saying “B”, “C” or “D” should stop you from completing “A”, but I’d prefer not to think about it. Please keep my fetishized fox costumes more wholesome, thanks.

Girl Fox Rides Bicycle [Viral Viral Videos]