What? No “Dune” fans in the house? Fine, let’s talk about this creepy Fleshlight looking mofo.

How does it work? Reflexology! For those unfamiliar, the idea behind reflexology is that you can press “trigger points” on the hands, feet and ears to improve your overall health.

In other words, it’s hippie B.S. Fortunately, when you leave aside the hippie B.S., you still have a device that massages your hands and relieves typing pain. It kneads your hand with four different levels of pressure. It will even warm itself for you, which we just realized is actually kind of creepy and disgusting.

How much do you have to pay to stick your hand in this thing? $120. And no, the manufacturer is not liable if you stick anything else in it. You’ve been warned.

Hand Reflexology Massager [Coolest Gadgets]

I’m all for companies daring to be different in their advertising. But there’s a fine line between “creative” and “never making me want to have sex again” that Science World in Canada is broaching where their newest commercial featuring sexy grandmas and the science of vanilla.

Now that I think about it, this may be more clever than I realized. At first blush I thought, “How could this ad possibly make me want to learn more about science?” Then, on second thought, I wondered “Why is my penis suddenly inverting itself like a groundhog horrified at seeing its shadow after watching old women simulate oral sex on an ice cream cone?” Where would I go to find an answer like that? Science World in Canada, naturally. Touché, science.

[Adfreak]

To take the side of the “bad boy,” he does look way more relaxed and prepared to go to sleep. Then again, not sure how relaxed I’d be if I’m the guy on the left and just had to lay next to my buddy while he beat off. Not exactly ocean sounds.

[Ffffound]

If you’re totally naive and/or don’t enjoy sex with things that look like creepy plastic orifices shoved into a flashlight, that is a famous male sex toy known as The Fleshlight. And here I was, thinking that I was totally crazy for placing Thomas the Tank Engine on the floor when I was a child and pumping away. Well now who’s laughing! Oh, still you. Good point.

[as seen on]

A 53-year-old man who told police he is secretly engaged to marry Miley Cyrus has been charged with attempting to stalk the
teenage “Hannah Montana” star, who is filming a movie in Georgia.

Tybee Island Police Chief Jim Price said Wednesday that Mark
McLeod, 53, of Appling was arrested after Walt Disney Pictures
security officers reported he had returned to the beachside movie
set Sunday after police warned him to stay away in June.

“He was asking for Miley and going up and knocking on some
doors” of beach homes near the set, Price said. “The security
guards recognized him. In fact, he went up to the security guards
and asked them ‘Is Miley around?”‘

In March, the New York Daily news shot video of McLeod waiting
in line at a book-signing appearance by Cyrus in Manhattan. “Hold
me up. I’m a little bit nervous,” said McLeod, shivering in a heavy
coat and wool hat.

“It’s the first time I’ve ever, uh, actually been face to face
with her,” McLeod told the newspaper. “I talk to her a lot but it’s
kind of like I talk and she responds with pictures. It’s just the
way we communicate. I’m going to get her some flowers and I’m going
to ask her to marry me.”

I don’t want to generalize too much, but anyone who’ll wait in line for an autograph or a picture who isn’t under 15 years old probably has some sort of social defect. I just don’t get what meeting the celebrity du jour is going to do to really impact your life in any meaningful way. Wow, I smelled Miley Cyrus’s surprisingly odorous armpits, whoop dee doo, let’s throw a parade.

But yeah when you’re a 53 year-old guy and your fixation is some teenage pop star, I don’t think there’s a whole lot of hope for you. In fact, I’d be surprised there weren’t some young boys at a Hannah Montana concert who found their way to a watery grave because, hey Mark McLeod is a reasonable man…until you mess with his special lady who has no clue he exists except when he imagines photos talking to him. No poet could capture a love so beautiful.

[via]

So is this not supposed to be suspicious? Like if someone saw a big blow-up doll in your house, they’d probably go, “Oh, he’s totally having sex with a blowup doll.” But if someone sees an egg in your house, they just think it’s an egg, I’d assume. But if you have an egg by your bedside with something that looks like crusted old egg whites underneath it, I’d still think that’s a bit out of the norm. I don’t think I’d assume you’re having sex with it, but I wouldn’t be shocked. I guess my real point is that as a society, we should probably limit the things we pleasure ourselves with to our hands or to humans, or occasionally a particularly sexy pair of couch cushions. Your eyes say “no no” but the change inside of you says, “yes yes.”

You know what’s a bad sign? When there are so many creepy things going on in a video that you can’t really single one out. This gentleman tackles “recycling his own semen” to preserve his sperm count, spanking himself, wearing adult diapers/crapping himself, and then, the capper, is his childlike room filled with toys and posters. Never has Sonic the Hedgehog looked so menacing, presuming you’re not a mustachioed communist who turns cute little animals into robots.

One can only hope he never finds the “anomynoose” female who wronged him. Something tells me there’s a crawl space full of old Sailor Moon toys with her name on it.

[via]

I saw the documentary Evil Dead so I learned that trees pretty much just want to f you over at every turn. They say they provide you with air and whatever but that doesn’t necessarily mean you should trust them. You know what else would provide you with air? A homeless guy with CPR skills. But then you end up with an awful taste in your mouth and you end up homeless too. Or am I thinking of zombies. Well, either way, it’d taste like rotting human flesh and poverty, which isn’t good. Unless you’re a cannibal who wants to be thrifty.

[via]

After watching its bigger rival McDonald’s Corp. try to woo mom, Burger King Corp. is launching a new marketing and promotional campaign Monday meant to grab her attention.

“A large part of our customer base is parents with children,” said Russ Klein, president of global strategy, marketing and innovation. “As a parent, the challenge is always trying to get the kinds of things you want to but have some dimension of fun.”

The centerpiece of the effort, Klein said, is a new kids meal featuring a four-ounce serving of Kraft macaroni and cheese, lowfat milk and the company’s “Fresh Apple Fries”, which are uncooked apple slices shaped like french fries and served with low-fat caramel dipping sauce. The meal will go on sale Monday for $3.49 and will be a permanent fixture on Burger King’s menu.

The launch will be followed by an in-restaurant merchandising and television ad campaign, with the first commercial airing July 7. That spot will introduce “Little King” meant to be the masked king’s young son.

*shudder. The Burger King campaign has toed the line between creepy and creative for a while now. Never has a singular character so completely horrified me yet made me want a hamburger. Other than Al Roker.

But of course, the King has an innate ability of terrifying the masses that makes the notion of him siring a spawn seem tame. So to celebrate his newfound fatherhood, let’s take a look at the top 5 creepiest moments of the Burger King.

Number 5: Two forces of evil collide

There is no name more feared by football fans across the country than Drew Rosenhaus. While always claiming to fight for his players, Rosenhaus is cutthroat, aggressive, and kind of evil. So what can soften his image a bit? Having him represent the King in negotiations.

Look at him there…soulless, stoic gaze. Not a hint of a soul. How can he walk among us? And then there’s the King standing next to him. Ho ho ho when it comes to an obvious set-up and punchline, I am the King.

Number 4: Where is your God now?

The simplest item on the list but probably the most poignant and chilling.

I have a fairly iron will, but if I woke up in my bed with the King laying next to me, staring at me, I don’t care if he’s wielding a sandwich. I’m running for my life. I’m also probably wondering what the viscous liquid running down the back of my pants is, but there’s really no time for questions.

Number 3: He can run too

I’d like to think I can at least get away from the Burger King if he ever wanted to come after me. Not likely, if this video holds to form.

Traditional monsters of film tend to be slow and plodding. Zombies, Jason, Freddy Krueger…not really speedsters. But the King appears to be running a 4.3 40 and has amazing field vision. Needless to say, if the King wants to catch you, you’re going to end up caught. And with a face full of meat. Which kind of meat depends on how lucky you are that day, I suppose.

Number 2: The King is giant

A tie-in with an ape-based epic gave birth to this horrific vision. No, not a tie-in with Dunston Checks In unfortunately…rather, A Kong-sized King.

Sure, at first it’s all burgers on fingertips and Rockette-styled kicking. But it’s not all fun and free artery-cloggings. Eventually the King is going to wonder why your relationship hasn’t “escalated”. And I’d be damned if I were the one coming face-to-face with what’s under a 70-foot tall King’s spandex.

Number 1: A sexy dance for you perhaps?

England is kind of awesome when it comes to their programming. Less restrictions means more room for creativity. Unfortunately, that allowed the geniuses at Burger King’s UK advertising agency to craft this horrific idea.

I can imagine nothing that would make me swear off the sexual services industry faster than having the King appear before me at a peep show, then shoving meat into my face. On the plus side, he’s about as nimble as I’d expect a man in a tunic to be. So that’s pretty cool.

RELATED GREATNESS:
-Paris Hilton will eat a hamburger sexily for your entertainment (w/ video)
-Teens put pot in a cop’s Whopper
-You met the Burger King, how about the Spam King?
-Or Don King (w/ video)?
-The Los Angeles Kings have sexy Ice Girls
-And the Sacramento Kings dancers are pretty hot, and willing to show the goods, in these candid shots too

A man who received a heart transplant 12 years ago and later married the donor’s widow died the same way the donor did, authorities said: of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

No foul play was suspected in 69-year-old Sonny Graham’s death at his Vidalia, Ga., home, investigators said. He was found Tuesday in a utility building in his backyard with a single shotgun wound to the throat, said Greg Harvey, a special agent with the Georgia Bureau of Investigation.

Graham, who was director of the Heritage golf tournament at Sea Pines from 1979 to 1983, was on the verge of congestive heart failure in 1995 when he got a call that a heart was available in Charleston.

That heart was from Terry Cottle, 33, who had shot himself, Berkeley County Coroner Glenn Rhoad said.

He married the donor’s widow? This sounds like a bad Tales from the Crypt episode. Only with less crying on my part. That skeletonian bastard freaked me the f out. I’d punch him in his stupid face. What would he do about it? He was just some douchebag that liked to tell stories. He’s no different than some asshole reading in the park. And I can take any asshole reading in the park. Especially if they have no flesh and are made of rotten bone.

Oh yeah anyway that’s creepy. They say that the heart wants what it wants. So I suppose it’s possible that a heart just wants you to shoot yourself. Crazy hearts, what won’t you do?