If that were pot, this dude would look way more relaxed.

As the plane was about to land in Newark, Blumenkranz excused himself to the bathroom. After emerging, crew members say that a strong smell of pot flew threw the cabin.

Blumenkranz was arrested for possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia by airport police upon arrival.

Airport police said that Blumerkranz, a Los Angeles resident, had a license for medicinal marijuana but that, for obvious reasons, it didn’t apply here.

Let’s put aside that this guy is an idiot for a second (you can no longer legally smoke cigarettes on a plane but for some reason, Blumenkranz thought pot would be totally cool? Smart). But how dumb is it to arrest this guy after he landed? It’s not like he deserves the punishment at this point for a drug charge since he did something that was legal in his home state. And he already got high.

One count of being a douchebag for thinking this was a good idea would suffice. Then again, he probably realized that he was minutes from being near a Cinnabon. No one should be subjected to that culinary experience while sober.

Police: Passenger Smoked Pot On Flight [My FOX NY]

Not a particularly compelling story beyond the wardrobe choices involved, but you can read more about the arrest at RecordPub.com.

T-Shirt Makes Creepy Child Pornography Mugshot Creepier [Buzzfeed]

How a urine-and-butt-rubbingless 1957-J-No. 2. would look

Tisch faces charges of criminal mischief for her actions against the “1957-J-No. 2.” painting at the Clyfford Still Museum. Her actions may also leave her liable as the damages to the painting cold cost in the ballpark of $10,000.

Police say Tisch punched and attacked the painting with her pants down. Officials were unclear on what spurred on the attack.

Fortunately for Tisch, her attempt to urinate on the painting failed, leaving that off the list of charges.

Honestly, I don’t know why magazines spend millions of dollars on exclusive celebrity interviews when they could interview a woman like Carmen Tisch for free. I’d much rather know why she decided to drunkenly rub her ass on a random painting than what Casey Anthony is up to. Was she so trashed that she thought the painting called her a jive turkey? Inquiring minds want to know!

Denver woman arrested for punching, damaging $30 million Clyfford Still painting [Denver Post]

The stress of an hourlong police chase on foot may have been exhaustive for a 19-year-old Riverside man, who was discovered Christmas morning sleeping on a stranger’s couch with his shoes off several hours after police say he burglarized a nearby home.

The suspect said his evening began with a few swigs of marshmallow vodka but ended with him fast asleep on the couch, his time in the interim a mystery, though authorities said they can account for his missing hours.
…
At about 8 a.m., a female homeowner in the 3700 block of Haas Avenue called police, saying a male was inside her home.

When police arrived, they found Brundage asleep on the couch. He later told officers that he didn’t know why he was in the home and the last thing that he remembered was drinking marshmallow-flavored vodka earlier in the night, police said.

I can’t lie to you, I’ve passed on the wrong person’s couch before, but thankfully I’m good looking enough that they simply woke me up and drove me home. No police needed. This guy on the other hand, was not so lucky. A couple swigs of marshmallow vodka and he’s off to jail. If you’ve ever needed a reason to dislike Amber Rose, here it is. This is all her fault.

Full story via Scott Kleinberg

Update:

For those of you incapable of rational thought, Amber Rose’s representation would like me to assure you that it’s not actually her fault and that she insists you drink responsibly. I’m pretty sure you were all intelligent enough to know that though.

Police were called to a home in the 2100 block of South First Street after reports of a domestic dispute. When officers arrived, they found the 42-year-old mother with multiple injuries. The mother said she had been beaten by her two children after she threw out several cans of Bud Light beer. The two siblings fled the scene before police arrived.

According to reports, Brittany was not happy about the disposal of the beer, so she attacked her mother. Tho woman’s son, Lindell, later joined in on the attack.

There isn’t a beer in the world that I would beat your mother for, let alone my own. This is the sort of story I only expect to see on Criminal Minds. Mark Twain said, “Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.”

I always thought society was on a direct flight to hell because of people like Courtney Stodden, but it turns out it’s far worse than that. If any of you are considering assaulting someone over a “several cans of Bud Light beer,” shoot me a message and I’ll buy you a Groupon for a $3 sixer. I don’t even want to know what you’d do for a case of Bud Light Platinum.

via KMOV

Police say that 81-year-old Phillip Winikoff went around a local apartment complex offering to check out women’s goods for free in 2006.

Two women admitted to investigators that they took Winikoff up on his offer, though they immediately realized once the exam began that they had been hoodwinked.

Had Winikoff not entered a guilty plea, he’d have faced up to 55 years in prison for charges of sexual battery and practicing medicine without a license.

I’m just grateful that this hardened criminal is off the streets for the time being. What a master criminal. I mean playing doctor to grope women? That’s a plan so genius that only the masterminds known as 10-year-olds have accomplished it.

Can you imagine how much of a creep you have to be for women to instantly realize you’re not a doctor after falling for this scheme? I mean they were gullible enough to undress and allow a squeeze…you couldn’t at least have the class to avoid being an outright pervert so they could at least maintain a shred of their dignity? Did he just start rubbing one out on the spot? Maybe slobbering and uttering nice? Either way, that bedside manner was highly lacking, I assume.

Plea Deal Gets Fake Breast Exam Doc One Year In Jail [CBS Miami]

Police say Morris gave her special brand of unlicensed cosmetic surgery to a woman unaware of how her $700 would result in bigger buttocks. What the unnamed woman received was the booty mix above, resulting in severe pains in the area, her stomach, and everywhere throughout her body.

Despite that, the woman refused to give Morris away to the police. It took months of searching for investigators to find the mystery amateur cosmetic surgeon.

It’s unclear if Morris used the procedure on herself to achieve her, ahem, delightfully ample backside.

Perhaps I’m not in tune enough with the thought process of a person undergoing an ass implant, but it seems to me if a person who looks like Morris is offering you an ass like hers for $700, there’s a reasonable expectation that things may not turn out as desired. In fact, I’d say it’s a wise idea to avoid inserting any object into your rear that costs under $1,000. Just a good rule of thumb for life. Learn all that and more in my new book, Inserting Objects in Your Rear: No Place to Cut Costs. It’s like five pages but it really hits all the key notes.

Transgender woman arrested after injecting Fix-A-Flat into patient’s rear end [NY Daily News]

The elusive and hard to find McDonald's cheeseburger

Edgell yelled and then allegedly got livid with her boyfriend, biting his arm and then ripping off his shirt. It’s unclear what he did to provoke the attack.

After calming down, Edgell then told her boyfriend she changed her mind and would get the breakfast. But then she allegedly began beating the boyfriend again, hitting him the face and biting his arm once more.

As the boyfriend tried to drive away, Edgell allegedly climbed on top of the roof of the car to stop him from going.

When a cop asked her why she was on the roof of a car, Edgell replied, “Because I was acting crazy.”

Edgell was arrested for disorderly conduct and is being held on $150 bail. It’s unknown if she has been able to secure a cheeseburger.

This type of behavior is exactly why the cops began their nationwide shut down of #Occupy protests in McDonaldland. Something about the insatiable lust for grease and things that vaguely resemble beef patties just brings out the darkness in people.

Cops: Early Morning McDonald’s Menu Changeover Prompted Wisconsin Woman’s Meltdown [The Smoking Gun]

First off, the new Call of Duty has nothing to do with this particular story (thank God). Instead, it’s a simple tale of some dude, 23 year old Timothy Joseph Mandes of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania to be exact, who went to Best Buy for a job interview. Long story short, he didn’t get the job. Bummer.

So as a response, he walked straight towards the games section, cracked open a box containing a Xbox 360, shoved the console down his pants (I would have to assume that he was wearing sweat pants, which to be honest, may have factored considerably into him not landing a gig there), and walked out the door.

After noticing the empty box, Best Buy called the cops, who checked the tape (many people seem to forget that there’s cameras everywhere, but especially those that wear sweat pants to job interviews) and easily identified the man (which must have been super easy since, you know, he had passed along a job application that had his name, address, and all that other junk listed).

The authorities then went to his home, to arrest Mandes. But instead of allowing himself to be turned in, he made a break for it, which pretty much never ever works. Though I guess he was resisting enough for them to taser the guy. lol. Via Kotaku btw, who deserves a huge thumbs up for their wacky depiction of the scene (sadly, my Photoshop skills are comparatively lacking).

First, via 1UP: some 18 year old punk, instead of paying for the game, decided to follow some 27 year old dude who had purchased his copy like a normal person at the local GameStop’s midnight launch. Which admittedly isn’t quite normal, but that’s neither here nor there.

Anyway, so the suspect follows his victim to his home, where he had just parked his parked his car, and then blocks him in with his. He then… get this… pulls out a gun, demanding the victim’s copy of Modern Warfare 3. What could easily be considered a stupid move as well is how he reacted: he cursed the dude out and got into a wrestling match, over control over the weapon.

As ridiculous as the scene might have been, I would have just handed the game over. Perhaps that makes me a huge pussy, I don’t know. Anyhow, it worked because the suspect was unsuccessful with his objective, so where does he go? Yup, back to GameStop, to find another mark. Which was where he was arrested, since the first would be victim called the cops.

Meanwhile, according to Kotaku, and at a Best Buy in Colorado, some other dude got pissed at its midnight launch when the store ran out of copies, including the one that he had been expecting since it was pre-ordered. Personally, I’d be pissed too, but in such a situation, I’d ask to speak to the manager for some form of compensation, despite knowing that it really wouldn’t do much in the end.

So that may have been why this other fellow, identified as Loromin Sar, age 31, decided to ask the clerk instead what time he got off, so I could meet him or her in the parking lot to then shoot the person. Nor would I threaten to blow up the entire store. Not surprisingly, the cops were called to deal with the nut job. This is what one authority had to say…

”Investigating officers issued a criminal summons to a man who threatened to carry out his own version of Modern Warfare at the electronics store. Fortunately, this situation did not end in violence.”

When his wife kissed the other woman, Silva flipped and began punching his wife while the other woman ran into another room and locked the door. Silva then broke through the door, only to resume punching his wife. He then grabbed a nearby TV set, swinging it at his wife before ultimately dropping on her.

Silva then grabbed another TV and also threw that one at his wife.

When police arrived and found Silva’s wife beaten and blooded, Silva initially said the threesome was a setup for an attack by his wife. But he eventually relented, telling officers he lost his mind because he got jealous.

Silva is being held in custody and is charged with felony battery.

I can only imagine how it’ll go when he’s retelling this story to his buddies at the bar. “Jorge, tell us what happened with that big threesome you were planning!” “Threesome? Oh, yeah, it was..pretty awesome.” “Well, what happened?” “Well we got this chick..really hot. I mean smoking hot. Smoking.” “Yeahhhh…” “And we all started making out…” “Yeahhhhhh….” “And then I attacked my wife with a TV while the hot chick tried to stop it but I just kept finding more TVs to attack my wife with.” “Dude. DUDE! BEST THREESOME EVER!” “I KNOW RIGHT? *throws celebratory TV.”

Florida Man Freaks Out During Threesome, Throws Multiple TVs at His Wife [Miami New Times]

Gaylor was then surprised to find his girlfriend come home before the new girl could arrive.

Police reported that once the new woman arrived, Gaylor called the cops and falsely reported that the woman he met online was an intruder.

Gaylor was taken into custody and charged with a misdemeanor charge of falsifying a report to authorities.

Say what you will about Kevin Gaylor after these reports, but what he lacks in skills as a boyfriend, online hook-up, and host, he more than makes up for in crafty ways to very briefly dodge an awkward situation. I bet the minute it took for everyone to realize how clearly full of BS he was was pretty gratifying.

Man Reports Date As Burglar When Girlfriend Shows [CBS Local]

That was when police found record of an unresolved aggravated assault case, allegedly committed by a woman also named Teresa, and decided to take her into custody.

Small problem: According to Culpepper’s lawyer, ““Her birth date didn’t match. Her address didn’t match. Her description didn’t match. Other than the name Teresa, nothing matched.”

Culpepper was only released after the victim of the real Teresa came to say that Culpepper didn’t commit any of the crimes, at the urging of Culpepper’s public defender.

Culpepper’s lawyer is expecting the local police to settle out of court or they’ll move ahead with suing for compensation for the wrongful arrest.

That’s not exactly a comforting situation for the notion of American civil liberties (especially if you’re a minority because, let’s be real, this probably wouldn’t have happened to some Georgia peach-type). On the plus side, I don’t think I’ve ever met a Teresa I’ve particularly liked. If we’re going to start taking names out of society, that seems like a decent place to start.

Mother Teresa was overrated, anyway.

Atlanta woman arrested by mistake, jailed 53 days [Atlanta Journal-Constitution via Gawker]

It’s been said time and time again: forensic nursing, police procedures, and crime scene investigators are morphed into caricatured, fictional lies on cable television. No offense to the television stations; in fact, shows like CSI and Law and Order: SVU are actually smarter to stretch the truth about the way the law works. A show consisting of 45 minutes of tedious lab work or long hours of filing paperwork for court/trial would probably get pretty crappy ratings. Hidden in all the witty jokes, random action sequences and grossly inaccurate science abortions, there is some truth reflected in these shows which gives the audience glimpses of insight into the world of forensic nursing and science. The largest difference seems to be that on television, a mishmash of duties that are decidedly exciting are assigned to a single person. In the real world, duties tend to be more specific depending on the person — and a little less kickass. Here are some of the differences between forensic nursing and the position which is portrayed on television.

Sexual Assault Examiner
The forensic nursing sexual assault examiner is usually a position all by itself, focusing solely on administering rape kits, trying to find and preserve evidence of sexual abuse, and examining that evidence. Unlike Law and Order: SVU, forensic nursing sexual assault examiners never participate in interrogations or do detective work. They often work with victims of sexual assault, but pursuing a suspect or making an arrest is never on the schedule. What’s more is that they work in a highly equipped scientific lab, which is not always conveniently located in the middle of the police precinct like in the show — meaning that the forensic nursing sexual assault examiner won’t usually be caught hanging out with the detectives or popping into the office to administer a witty one-liner about the state of the current case before flitting away in a white lab coat. They do, however, wear a white lab coat.

Forensic Nursing Crime Scene Investigator
The forensic nursing crime scene investigator is a little more like the forensic scientists on SVU and CSI because this person is required to actually go to the scene of the crime for evidence collection. The forensic nursing crime scene investigator will be highly trained and have an extensive medical background, possessing the skills and abilities to scour a crime scene for minute details and preserve even the most delicate of evidence so that it can be properly examined back at the lab. The forensic nursing crime scene investigator is often the person who will do the evidence examining as well, but must be extremely adept (see: anal) at organizing the evidence so that nothing gets lost and also so that it can be easily studied by other forensic nursing lab technicians. This person also has the authority (and therefore, the training in most cases) to make arrests if the need arises, but it’s not typically the job of the forensic nursing crime scene investigator to arrest suspects except for in surprise or unusual situations.

DNA Processing
Forensic nursing and forensic science are actually facing a breakthrough when it comes to DNA processing. It seems like students are the ones who come up with the newest, greatest ideas in the world; this student’s undergrad research is being widely recognized as important and potentially setting a precedent for faster, cheaper DNA processing. If you think that her breakthrough is folly because it ‘only takes a day or two (or even a few hours if the forensic nursing technician is wooed by a hot detective or frightened by a mean one)’ to process stupid DNA anyway, maybe you should give cable a break and start learning about real science. Not only does DNA processing take forensic nursing technicians a few weeks to process, but most labs are so backed up that it can literally take years for the processing to be completed. This is absolutely ridiculous when you think about all the murder, rape, and other serious-charge cases revolving around forensic evidence to convict a suspect. Literally hundreds of innocent prisoners have been released from jail after DNA evidence was finally processed and exonerated the individuals once it became clear that someone else was the real criminal — someone who had gone free as a consequence of jailing the wrong person. It’s unfortunate but true.

Finding Evidence
How often do forensic nursing crime scene investigators find evidence at the scene of a crime? Always, right? On CSI, this may be true — the investigator finds a hair, an unknown fiber, or a drop of semen which is clumsily used to catch the criminal…slowly, after a number of obvious mistakes. In reality,evidence is much harder to find. Only 5% to 10% of real crime scenes involve the extraction and preservation of biological evidence which could be subjected to testing. This is due to a number of conditions. Rain or other harsh weather conditions may have destroyed the evidence by blowing or washing it away. People or animals may have crossed in and out of the crime scene, accidentally contaminating it or destroying evidence. Even authorities can make mistakes and mess up things for the forensic nursing investigator.

Using Evidence
On CSI and Law and Order: SVU, the evidence found at the scene of the crime is usually always clean, intact, and able to be used against a suspect. Even old blood or semen samples can be ‘reconstructed’ or able to give the forensic nursing technician insight into the crime. This is far from accurate. In actuality, only 30% of cases contain DNA which can be tied to another crime — far less than the success rate of these television shows. It should also be noted that within this 30%, 2 to 10 people process the DNA — much more than the single forensic nursing technician used on television. But how would cable find time to give 2 to 10 people a backstory and deep, likable personalities?

After the fourth incident, local officers set up a surveillance camera in an effort to catch the culprit in action (you can see the video of the incident below).

Police received two tips from unidentified individuals after releasing the video that fingered Sorsony.

Sorsony faces five charges of trespassing on school property, each carrying a $500 bond.

It’s unclear what Sorsony’s motive is, but it better be a good one. Pooping outside a building once, sure. Twice, fine. Five times? That school better have killed your family, resulting in a Kill Bill-style revenge plot with feces in lieu of ninja swords.

You can see the video of Sorsony carrying out his brilliant scheme below. Warning…unless you work in a German porn studio, the video is probably NSFW.

Ocala School Poop Suspect Arrested [First Coast News]

According to police, Lindsey “allowed the boy to spank Lindsey’s nude buttocks and let him use an electric sex toy on her.”

When raiding the couple’s home, police also found photos of Lindsey performing lewd acts on two house pets [EDITOR"S NOTE: Because there's no way better to control disease than having sex with an animal, like those old urban legends about AIDS have taught us.].

Officials have yet to release information on how Lindsey and Westerman procured the boy on the two separate occasions.

Lindsey is being held in Jail on a $20,000 bond awaiting charges related to the molestation. She also faces a felony bestiality charge for her acts with the animals.

Let’s put the animals thing aside for a second…creepy, yes. Not THAT uncommon, though. But in my eyes, this thing with the kid is even weirder than people who get arrested for having sex with a child. If the reports are true, Lindsey and her boyfriend brought a kid into her home just to spank her and diddle her with a sex toy, making it less like a mental illness and more like a seemingly normal woman just being a complete degenerate.

Plus why would you risk jail time to have a little kid spank your ass? He’s got little kid hands and he’s probably not too strong. I can’t imagine that’d be too satisfying. Like eating one slider hamburger for dinner. Hardly worth tarnishing a reputation for, I’d say.

CDC official, boyfriend charged with molesting child [WBS TV]

Blose had been charged with three counts of rape, three counts of forcible oral sodomy, one count of indecent acts to a child and one count of performing lewd acts in the presence of a child in April. As a condition of her being released on bail, she was told not to have contact with anyone under the age of 18.

Blose blatantly disregarded the ruling, picking up kids for school then asking a 15-year-old girl to bring the burrito love note to the teen with whom she allegedly committed the sexy crimes with.

Blose is currently being held in jail without bail while awaiting a November 10th court date.

I certainly can’t advocate intimate relations with teenagers, regardless of how sexy they may be. But even moreso, I can’t emphasize enough that you, should you find yourself in such a situation, don’t trust a confession of your love to a burrito. Save that type of thing for a good ol’ fashioned American hamburger. Even a Japanese roll of sushi. But burritos? All they do is leave you vulnerable, emptying out your secrets just as they may your bowels. Burritos: A Statutory Rapist’s Worst Enemy.

Oklahoma mother Amy Blose, 37, charged with having sex with boy, 13; sends love note after arrest [NY Daily News]

Any time a cop who looks like this dude can arrest you easily, you need to go back to criminal academy. He looks far more equipped to slip on a puddle in a Duane Reade before threatening to arrest everyone for negligence than he does to be snaring able-bodied criminals.

Here’s hoping Stephen Daniel gets his life together in jail. Or at least learns how to wield a prop gun. “Robbery by fear” isn’t exactly going to intimidate anyone at County, my friend.

The Coral Snake, aka the feces provider.

Pennell told officers that she grabbed a poisonous coral snake from its tank, threatening to let it go unless Rudisill left.

Then, Rudisill responded by grabbing the snake’s tail and extracting feces from its rear before shoving his now-dung-covered hand into her mouth.

Rudisill denies any charges of assaulting Pennell or shoving the snake crap in her mouth.

I wouldn’t consider myself a relationship expert or anything, but I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that one of the basic pieces of any successful domestic partnership is not getting in a situation in which one person needs a snake to protect themselves. There are millions of things I’d use if I felt threatened in my home; an autonomous reptile would not even be in the top five.

Either way though, I hope none of my future ladyfriends ever complain again about their mouths being subjected foreign inedible substances. So long as it’s not the poisonous shit of a reptile, I expect carte blanche.

Elyria man accused of shoving snake poop in girlfriend’s mouth [Newsnet 5]

The driver was pulled over again after his urination excursion and arrested after being taken down by bean bags.

I don’t entirely understand what the police were doing when he was peeing, though. Did they think it was a weapon at first? Or were they just so confused by this gentleman’s moronic choices that they couldn’t even process it?

Seriously, you’re willing to break laws and get in high speed chases, swerving through medians and possibly putting people’s lives at risk, but you can’t just pee in your pants or even a cup or something? That’s not outlaw life, dude. He probably extended his pinky while holding his soft drunken wang. Pussy.