The new television season is upon us. All of our favorite shows and celebrities are making their triumphant return into our homes. But, let’s face it….there are an endless number of people on television who simply shouldn’t be. Yet, for some unknown reason, these people continue to get deal ]]>

The new television season is upon us. All of our favorite shows and celebrities are making their triumphant return into our homes. But, let’s face it….there are an endless number of people on television who simply shouldn’t be. Yet, for some unknown reason, these people continue to get deal after deal after deal. This list is never-ending, so let us start with just 10 of these repeat offenders. With any luck, this list might become an Internet petition to have these people swiftly removed from our television sets.

10 Jimmy Fallon
The King of Mediocrity. NBC seems to have a thing for giving people who aren’t all that funny their own late night shows (See also: Jay Leno, Carson Daly). What a lineup. Conan was funny, but we all know what happened there. Fallon’s interviews are awkward and uncomfortable, and all of his bits are more about reminiscing about the late 80’s/early 90’s than actually being funny. He’s good in small doses, so no more hosting gigs please. A tiny cameo in a Harold & Kumar movie would probably be a better fit for him.

9 Tyler Perry
This man is a money-making machine. He currently has around 67 movies out in theatres at this very moment. But how many predicaments can that damn Madea get into?! He also supposedly has two TV shows. However, they only seem to play ads for the show and not the show itself. Rumor has it that networks usually like it when their audience can actually find the show. So, until people can actually figure out when any of his current shows are on TV, he needs to not get another one.

8 Betty White
Enoooough already. It was funny once. It was funny twice. But now anytime Betty White pops up on my television screen and says something that a grandma-aged woman shouldn’t be saying, I throw my remote at it. It’s becoming quite costly, so I’d appreciate if Hollywood would stop giving her gigs.

7 Nick Cannon (see also: Mario Lopez, Nick Lachey, etc.)
The “actor/musician” turned host is quite possibly one of the most annoying things on television. The fact they’ve realized that they’re not all that great at what they originally set out to do, but can still make some serious cash and be on TV, is both genius and pathetic at the same time. Cannon, those other guys might need this, but you’ve married and knocked up Mariah Carey (allegedly), so you’re pretty much set for life. Now it’s time to stop trying to generate your own income at our expense.

6 Denis Leary
Denis Leary had some of the best, filthiest, and raunchiest stand-up bits back in his prime. And his sense of humor translated perfectly onto his show, Rescue Me… for about three seasons. After that, something went horribly wrong and the show turned to crap. Leary suddenly adopted a stutter and now manages to say “ya know” in between every other word. Watch the show sometime and take a sip of beer every time he does. You’ll be hammered in three and half minutes. It was a good run, but that’ll be quite enough, Denis.

5 Matthew Fox
Matthew Fox has done enough dramatic, over-the-top crying for three people’s careers, let alone his own. He’s had two successful runs on hit TV shows, which is two more than most people usually get, so retirement is probably a good idea at this point… for our sake.

4 Kathy Griffin
If Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog ever had any offspring, they would all sound like Kathy Griffin. She may sound like a Muppet, but she’s nowhere near as loveable or funny. It’s very nice of Hollywood to keep any show she has far away from any channel a guy might stumble upon, but it’d be even more kind if Hollywood could make her disappear completely.

3 David Spade
Has David “Piggyback” Spade ever done anything funny in his entire life? It seems to me that he’s just made a career out of surrounding himself with funny people. Who is it that keeps deciding that he’ll be a good addition to any sitcom? Yet, he continues to pop up on them. Tivo should introduce a new remote with an “Anti-Spade” button that will instantly edit out any scenes in television shows, movies, and commercials that have David Spade in them, which ultimately will provide a more enjoyable viewing experience for the consumer.

2 Criss Angel
Before MTV gave us a whole Jersey Shore houseful of douchebag, A&E helped define the term by bringing us Criss Angel: Mindfreak. Magicians and illusionists are hard enough to like as is (See: David Blaine), but Criss Angel’s Posh Spice haircuts, tilted hats, overuse of jewelry, and Affliction shirts make it as impossible as levitation.

1 Kirstie Alley
It’s so unfortunate that a woman with the last name “Alley” ends up being the size of one. The sad story of a once thin and attractive actress who has lost her grip on her self control with food is not something we, as guys, want to have to endure over and over again. Her Jenny Craig commercial in which she screams “Fettuccini!” (0:18 mark in the video below) at the screen will haunt your dreams forever, so no further television time is needed for Miss Alley. Her work here is done.

UPDATE: This contest is complete. We have another contest starting up very soon so come on back!

The winner of this round is David with “Just when I though nothing could be better than sucking on a boob . . . BEER!” David, send your mailing info to excusemedougefresh[at]gmail[dot]com to ]]>

UPDATE: This contest is complete. We have another contest starting up very soon so come on back!

The winner of this round is David with “Just when I though nothing could be better than sucking on a boob . . . BEER!” David, send your mailing info to excusemedougefresh[at]gmail[dot]com to collect your prize.

NOTE — IF ANY PRIZE GOES UNCLAIMED FOR TWO WEEKS, WE WILL HOLD ANOTHER CONTEST TO DETERMINE A NEW WINNER.

Time for another Caption Contest from on 205th magazine for another great prize! Here’s what’s up for grabs…

In this fourth season, Criss Angel tackles feats that defy the laws of nature. Highlights include a live broadcast of his escape from a building seconds before it implodes, walking across Nevada’s Lake Mead, being cremated alive, walking through steel and inviting skeptics to join in on a deadly challenge. Criss Angel’s incredible illusions, death-defying escapes, fearless demonstrations and astonishing physical feats have made him the first ever five-time back-to-back recipient of the Magician of the Year award.

I am a bit of a sucker for magic, and while I find Criss Angel to occasionally be overly pretentious there is no arguing his abilities and willingness to create an atmosphere of intrigue. If you enjoy magic, you will be consistently entertained for hours by Season 4 of Criss’ show.

Contest ends Sunday, February 15, 2009.

[Total value of prizes given away by on 205th: $924.99]

Looks like the joy I got in seeing Criss Angel royally f up his show in Vegas is gonna be short-lived as he is now making the rounds with the newly single Holly Madison.

Urghblfttt… I just threw up in my mouth…

Holly ]]>

Looks like the joy I got in seeing Criss Angel royally f up his show in Vegas is gonna be short-lived as he is now making the rounds with the newly single Holly Madison.

Urghblfttt… I just threw up in my mouth…

Holly said part of the reason she left Hef was because she wanted kids. Please God, do not let him procreate with her.

UPDATE: I do feel a little bit better now since it appears Angel’s show still sucks ass.