Guyism » Dating

New study shows men like their women drunk and/or asleep

Katie Nolan — Thu, 24 May 2012 20:30:54 +0000

A new study out of the University of Texas at Austin suggests that men are attracted to women who appear drunk, stupid, and sleepy, because they’re much easier to take home for a one-night stand. The study tested 76 male students, which I guess is enough to make sweeping generalizations about mankind, and found that they were more likely to rate a woman as “attractive” if she displayed qualities that made her look easily exploitable.

The theory behind this is nothing new: men possess these bountiful ball sacs full of manseed and they need a place to put it. Women are usually more cautious (since, ya know, that whole “childbirth” thing..), and therefore men are more apt to seek out the ones who have their defenses down. And, like, it’s pretty tough to say no when you’re sleeping… amirite…?!?

Basically what you need to be taking away from this study is nothing. It’s an observation someone took and associated with a biased theory to make it look like science. If you’re going after sleepy girls, you’ll probably continue to do so. If you weren’t, I don’t recommend trying it out just because 76 men in Texas did. Something tells me it might come off a tad rapey.

Why men like ‘dumb-looking’ women [Daily Mail]

Female dentist gets revenge on ex by pulling out his teeth

Chris Spags — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 18:20:28 +0000

Love knows not of your hippocratic oath. At least, that’s what we should be led to believe by this story of one Polish dentist’s response to her ex-boyfriend asking for some tooth help.

This was the most menacing photo of a toothbrush I could find.

Anne Mackowiak, a 34-year-old dentist in the Polish city of Wroclaw, allegedly had her ex-boyfriend in to her office for help with some tooth problems he had.

After putting him under, Mackowiak said:

“I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions. But when I saw him lying there I just thought, ‘What a bastard’ and decided to take all his teeth out.”

The ex-boyfriend awoke with his bandaged mouth completely shut. He realized something was wrong when he was “no longer able to feel [his] teeth.”

Mackowiak faces loss of her license courtesy of a malpractice investigation and up to three years in prison as a result of criminal charges.

So it seems like Mackowiak is completely insane. But at the same time, I don’t absolve the ex-boyfriend entirely, either. It’s not like he’s never heard the phrase, “Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a woman scorned.” And that phrase exists without the assumption that you’d be gassed unconscious in a chair surrounded by pliers and drills. Bad ideas all around.

Chew Cheating Rat [Austrian Times via Gawker]

Virginia man seeks trophy wife on Craigslist with creepy ad in ‘Writing Jobs’ section

Chris Spags — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 17:30:03 +0000

An Ashburn, Va. man is seeking a trophy wife and, naturally, Craigslist seems like a great place to start. Here’s the ad he placed. Spoiler alert: It’s awful.

Click for full-size

And here’s the text:

Trophy Wife (Ashburn, VA)

Wanted: Trophy Wife. . .

I am looking to fill an immediate opening in my home, as soon as possible. The position will be demanding, but the perks of the job will absolutely outweigh the stresses of the day. Any applicants must be willing to perform a few simple day to day tasks. . .

First is to wake up every day in my arms. And even after we wake to lay there and enjoy that feeling of love and happiness. Before the kids bust through the doors, before the stress of the day even has a chance to make an appearance. . . just lay. After I am able to tear myself from your arms, you have an option: either enjoy a fine cup of loose leaf tea in bed, or by the fireplace. After. . . you make it through the tea, we get the kids ready for school, as a team. Pack lunches and snacks, get them dressed, breakfast as a family, and then off to catch the bus. At this point, I’ll be off for the day for another day at the office. . . but I will never rush off without holding you in my arms as if it were the last time. . . and just when I am about to let go, hold you for a little longer.

At this point in the day, you have some flexibility. . . you could spend some time catching up on the book you are trying to finish. Or head straight to the gym, in the brand new company car (our your choosing of course). This may include, but is certainly not limited to, any number of Zumba/Yoga/Crossfit/etc classes desired. All membership fees and workout clothes will be included as part of your compensation package. After the gym, please make full use of the whirlpool tub to relax. Or, if you don’t feel like the gym that day, head straight to the mall for some shopping or a pedicure or to get you hair done. . . all on the company credit card.

I hope your work environment will be suitable, as you will have your own corner office, with which you can fully focus on your writing career. Whether you are tinkering with a new concept, or putting the finishing touches on another masterpiece, this will be an ideal space with which to focus.

In the afternoon, you will have to pickup my son from preschool and perform an extremely important task. Have fun. Play in the playroom, take him to the park, play on the swing set, watch a movie with him. . . But be sure to save some of that energy for when my daughter gets off the bus. . .. And then the fun just continues. . . until I return home from the office. At this point I expect to be fully bombarded by my kids. . . dual hug style, knocking me to the floor, hands still full from just coming in the door. Once I regain my composure though, please be ready, because 8 hours of not being able to be by your side will be unbearable and my only thought in that moment will be to kiss you like it was our first and last kiss.

We’ll take turns cooking dinner. . . and often will prepare the meal together. We’ll eat as a family and listen to each other tell the stories of their days. After dinner, we’ll spend time with the kids together. Playing board games, doing homework, practicing instruments, singing songs, doing artwork, reading stories, going for bike rides. . .. After getting the kids off to bed, please be prepared to receive a massage by the fireplace, while the stresses and noises of the day go quiet.

Other perks, in no particular order: surprise picnics, weekend getaways, nights out for movies/dinners/concerts/etc, my singing you songs and leaving you notes, unbounded support for you writing career, boots. . . lots and and lots of boots. . . A true partner, in every sense of the word. . . in life, parenthood, friendship, and love. Finally, it will be my job to create a life with you. . . completely and utterly consumed by both passion and love.

So..here’s a problem. If you’re saying you’re looking for a trophy wife with a “compensation package,” you can probably omit the flowery, Hallmark romanticism from your Craigslist post in the “Writing/Editing Jobs” category. No one who’s desperate enough to accept a glorified live-in hooker/nanny dual career (and what a glorious synergy that is) cares about finding a “true partner” or being “utterly consumed by both passion and love.” They don’t want your “massage by the fireplace” or to be “[held] a little longer.”

As the great philosopher Chris Bridges once told us, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.” He may have rapped that before the advent of Craigslist but I’d wager the postulate still holds true.

Finance guy keeps douchey spreadsheet about Match.com dates

Chris Spags — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 19:46:50 +0000

Note: If you ever want to get laid again, you may want to avoid sending one of your Match.com dates your creepily thorough spreadsheet on the ladies you met on the dating Web site. A lesson this finance guy should have learned.

The spreadsheet above of a finance guy being called “Dave” comes to us via Deadspin. According to the site, Dave met a girl named Arielle. Somewhere in the conversation, the fact that he keeps a spreadsheet of “in progress” dates came up. Arielle, naturally, requested to see it. Dave sent it to her saying:

Well…this could be a mistake, but what the hell. I thought about deleting the names, but figured I might as will give you the whole thing. I only deleted the non-match people’s names (at the bottom) since some I’ve known for a long time. I hope this e-mail doesn’t backfire, because I really had a great time and hope to hang again soon :). However, I will keep my word! Have a great weekend!

Arielle proceeded to send it to all of her lady friends because, you know, women.

You can see the full version of the spreadsheet here.

I’m going to assume he didn’t get another date. Which is good. Because if you’re going to embarrass yourself and soon to end up on countless sites across the Internet, you definitely want to get nothing out of it romantically, professionally, or personally.

In other news, I want to see EVERY SINGLE SPREADSHEET that includes a column dedicated to ‘Wink Dates.’ I don’t care what they’re about. I need that phrase in my life more than I need air. And definitely more than I’d need a Match.com date. Possibly the worst viral marketing ever for them? Match.com: Where Creepy But Organized Men Meet Women Who Mock Them Behind Their Backs

Thinking about moving in with your lady? Read this

Chris Spags — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 20:00:50 +0000

There’s a lot of debate about whether it’s a good idea to move in with your girlfriend before being married. And the NY Times has a relative slam piece on it today that you’ll see passive aggressively shared on Facebook. Read it.

‘World of Warcraft’ can save a dating session from crashing and burning

Matt Hawkins — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 13:05:21 +0000

Let’s say that you’re into speed dating. In the UK. And on live television. And your 30 second date is going nowhere fast. What to do? Bring up World of Warcraft of course.

The above is from a show in England called the World Series of Dating, according to Kotaku, which proves that as bad as reality as TV is here in the America, the Europeans still have it way worse.

Gotta say, love the look “HOLY SH*T, ARE YOU F’N SERIOUS” on the dude’s face when he realizes that he finally has something else to help extend things for another two minutes, which is the eternal struggle for those first dates that are tail spinning.

And is that Rob Riggle as one of the hosts? What the hell?

Signs a woman might suck at being a girlfriend

Chris Spags — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:15:12 +0000

The Gloss writer Amanda Chatel recently came to the realization that she’s a crappy girlfriend. Her article on the subject outlines the ways a lot of girls turn out to be mediocre at being a girlfriend. It’s worth a read.

Study: Women hate beards on men

Chris Spags — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 14:03:17 +0000

Growing out that beard for the “I could be a Unibomber or I could be really fashion forward” look? Might want to stop now. According to a study in the Oxford Journals, women hate your beard.

Really hoping someone out there appreciates the subtle entendre being weaved with picking this photo

The study, conducted by researchers Barnaby Dixson and Paul Vasey, involved showing European and Polynesian women photos of 19 men with beards and without beards.

The women responded en masse saying that they found the clean-shaved versions of the men much more attractive.

The women also said they found the men with beards to seem older, though they did think the men may have a higher social status due to their growth.

Men who viewed the pictures perceived their bearded compatriots to be both older and more aggressive.

Psychologist Nick Neave told the Daily Mail that his research led him to believe women prefer light stubble, saying, “It was almost as if women preferred a man who could grow a beard but hadn’t.”

Sure, this is all well and good and interesting. But what do these women think about neckbeards? They totally dig them and want to sip Mountain Dew with them all night, I presume.

Scientific Proof That Women Hate Beards [Gizmodo]

13 women on Twitter who won’t be taking part in Steak and BJ Day

Chris Spags — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 19:00:48 +0000

Steak and BJ Day is a vestige of the stupid beer commercial/shock jock type of thought that was “cool” in the late 90s, a fake holiday on March 14th designed to coax women into giving men their equivalent of Valentine’s Day. But for some reason, it trended on Twitter today. Many bro-fives ensued. Here are 13 women who were most vocal in their response to Steak and BJ Day.

1

I respect her decision if she’s in a relationship. I find her to be an attention seeking bore if she isn’t. There are no shades of grey.

Hopefully it isn’t a Texas-sized porterhouse for Dad, his friend Jim, and the Harlem Globetrotters.

For as little as I believe in this non-holiday, frankly, I’m disappointed in the lack of slutty behavior coming from someone using a bevy of non-traditional emoticons in a single tweet.

Tea bags? I hope she means actual bags of tea. Either way, I’m assuming this guy won’t make it through the rigorous Boyfriend of the Year application criteria.

Well, here’s a potentially willing subject offering sexual favors for goods. I see no way that broadcasting that on a social media platform could go wrong. None at all.

For the record, “didn’t know what it meant” doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not giving out blowie jays like candy. She may call them Mouth Blasters or Lip Numbers, but that doesn’t mean they’re not being given.

Says the girl who’s covering her eye.

Isn’t there some idiom about it being better to give than receive? Anyway, ol’ Harrisflyer has nobody to blame but himself. Get your girl roses in the hopes she’ll be dumb enough to listen to a Twitter trending topic holiday. It’s called foresight, bro.

That is some dedication to avoid doing something for your husband. Hopefully his secretary at least gave him a cheesesteak and a handy.

I say this with no knowledge of this gal but I would wager A LOT of money that this girl is absolutely disgusting and possibly reeking of a French Onion soup odor.

As if people needed more reasons to dislike vegans.

Something tells me that her husband isn’t opposed. “Oh, no, we’re cool honey. A chicken sandwich and a high five work. I’m going to stay in the garage a while longer though, okay sweetie?” *tightens noose*

You tell us. Has anyone ever actually done this? Post your story in the comments. This is a safe place without judgment.*

*there may be some judgment

Facebook thread features boyfriend dumping girl after she tattoos his face on her

Chris Spags — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 22:20:42 +0000

Fake? Real? You decide! This snippet from an epic (in the classical sense, not the “YouTube commenter” sense) Facebook thread features a girl tattooing her boyfriend’s face on her forearm. It looks terrible and he comes into the comments to dump her for it.

The full image thread is linked below.

[Thanks for the tip, Pedro]

14 people on Facebook who are totally cool with being alone this Valentine’s Day

Chris Spags — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:00:51 +0000

Valentine’s Day can be a tough time to be alone. Fortunately, we’re not all afflicted by the pressures of society. Let’s take a minute to salute the brave souls who are totally okay with being alone on Valentine’s Day. Totally okay with it! No, really!

2.

Spoiler alert: He was the only person to like his status.

4.

Poetry: Always a sign that things are going swimmingly.

In case it wasn’t clear, Zoya is a cat. A cat with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

9.

Enjoy years of upcoming ‘Motherboy’ events, Jordon.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

Study: Men spend more when there are less available women

Chris Spags — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 20:30:36 +0000

A new study from the University of Minnesota’s Carlson School of Management says that men spend more as a means of distinguishing themselves as potential mates when there are less women around. Let the money-as-genital-size discussion begin!

The study looked at male behavior in situations with a scarcity of women and an abundance of women by providing subjects with articles that said their region had more men or women.

The men’s theoretical finances reacted accordingly: Savings rates dropped 42 percent when men believed there were less women and the men were also willing to borrow 84 percent more monthly for their lifestyles.

According to researchers, the men were unaware of sex ratios having any affect on their behavior.

“Economics tells us that humans make decisions by carefully thinking through our choices; that we’re not like animals,” lead researcher Vladas Griskevicius said. “It turns out we have a lot in common with other animals. We see that there are more men than women in our environment and it automatically changes our desires, our behaviors, and our entire psychology.”

Don’t worry men, you’re not alone: The study also found that women behave differently when there are more men around. No, they don’t spend more…they expect more when they’re being courted.

So men use money to pretend they have some intrinsic social merits and women are money grubbing wenches in certain social situations? No way. Up is up! Black is black! Dogs and cats, living in mild intolerance!

A Scarcity of Women Leads Men to Spend More, Save Less [University of Minnesota via Business Insider]

Who are you dressing to impress?

Megan Collins — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 14:30:02 +0000

(Hint: The answer *should* be “the author of this post.”)

It’s said that a girl dresses for one of two audiences.

Staring in her closet each morning, a girl decides who she wants to impress that day – other girls, or guys. The girl that dresses for other girls puts considerable time and effort into looking like she just swung through her closet, Tornado Rex-style, and popped out wearing the artfully layered look she has on. The combination usually includes articles of clothing that guys (a.) can’t identify or (b.) wish we wouldn’t leave the house in (harem pants fall into both categories, for instance).

When she’s dressing for guys? Things get decidedly easier. Snug jeans and a (relatively) low-cut top. Done. Or, conversely, (relatively) short skirt + snug top. Done.

The first group of girls hope to impress other females with their style prowess, each outdoing the next in crazy color combos, jewelry and (clashing?) patterns. The second girl wants guys to think she’s pretty.

For guys, on the other hand, the choice is usually between dressing for themselves or for us ladies. Dressing for yourself means you give the pants on the floor a quick sniff and throw them on with whatever shirt is hanging most(ly) wrinkle-free in your closet. But when you’re dressing for girls? Our reaction gets factored into the wardrobe equation. “All the girls at work make a big deal when I dress up…so I’m going to wear a blazer today.” “My girlfriend said I look cute in this sweater, so I’m going to wear it on our date.” Given the rewards, the choice seems pretty logical, don’t you think?

Of course, taken too far – obsessing over herringbone weaves, pondering the pros and cons of beige versus taupe in an unlined blazer – that’s not such a turn-on. Thankfully, this phenomenon is mostly confined to the hallways of GQ, and to an elite cadre of menswear bloggers, but just a warning to stay vigilant.

Because as a girl who likes talking about menswear, I want you to look handsome. I do. But as a girl who likes being the girl in a relationship, I also want to take longer than you to get ready. And even then, ten times out of ten I’d rather the first words out of your mouth to be, “You look so pretty,” not “You look so stylish.”

But maybe that’s just me.

What do you think? Would you rather your girlfriend dress “stylish: or “pretty?” Whose reaction do you consider when getting dressed in the morning?

VIDEO: Why men and women can never be just friends

Chris Spags — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:53:20 +0000

Independent filmmakers Jesse Budd and Patrick Romero went to Utah State’s campus looking for conclusive evidence on if men and women can be friends. But when he asked men and women individually if they thought men could be friends, the answers reveal pretty conclusively that…yeah, not so much.

Honestly I don’t even know any of those girls and I could say without any hesitation that I’d have sex with all of them over being their friend. Even the ones I don’t find that cute. You know why? They have vaginas. And not just any run-of-the-mill factory installed vaginas, but fresh Utah ones, clean as the morning snow in Park City. So a lifetime of friendship talking about Sex and the City and the good word of Joseph Smith or one blowout mediocre sex session consisting primary of the missionary position and awkward groans? You pick the latter every single time.

Utah State University Students Asked If Men And Women Can Just Be Friends [Viral Viral Videos]

Worst post-first date email ever comes from seemingly desperate investment banker

Chris Spags — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 19:30:04 +0000

Some girl named Lauren met a guy named Mike after going to a NYC Philharmonic event alone. They went on, what she called on Reddit’s r/NYC, “ONE, HORRIFIC date.” While Lauren says she wasn’t feeling the vibes, apparently NYC-area investment banker Mike was. Here’s the email he sent after they hung out (and she didn’t reply to voicemails or texts) in all its glory.

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.
FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.
Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.
-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.
-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.
-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.
Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.

Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.
If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

Long bit of text there, but the highlights:

-Mike thinks that a girl “making eye contact” and “touching her hair” trumps the fact that she didn’t reply to multiple texts or voicemails. He would be wrong in that assessment.
-For a guy who dislikes emails, he sure made this one novel-length bit of digital communication.
-He finds many of Lauren’s decisions — all of which seem to indicate she found him disinteresting immediately after they started actually talking — to be “irrational,” primarily because they don’t involve her wanting to see him again.
-Mike for some reason thinks, “As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves,” is a viable reason for a woman to date him. It is not.
-After basically saying Lauren sucks at life and that he’s such a great catch and she’s a fool for not recognizing it, Mike says that he would still love to date her.

Gentlemen (and ladies, for that matter), here’s a lesson in life: “No reply” = “No.” If you text someone once and they don’t reply, it’s possible, but still unlikely, they missed it. Repeated tries? It’s a no.

Either way, let’s hope Mike gets himself an empty seat next to him at every Philharmonic event in the future as a sign of what could have been. Or he could seat himself next to a child’s doll that he calls Lauren and excitedly whisper to it during the event. That’d show her!

An investment banker’s cover letter for a second date [Reddit]

VIDEO: Man proposes to girlfriend on Delta flight because, you know, how romantic

Chris Spags — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 19:00:59 +0000

When I think of places that encourage love, I definitely think of a crowded flight via a crappy commercial carrier. But I’m just a hopeless romantic like that.

Love is a wonderful thing, this is very creative (even though someone did the exact same thing a couple months ago), yada yada. But on an airplane? What exactly makes that so magical? Is it the usage of an intercom system created in the 1960s? Or perhaps the now-sealed-shut ash trays in the arm rests? Perhaps the yellow lighting or overpriced and stale sandwiches? More power to these crazy kids and their torrid love affair, but I’m pretty sure there have been more romantic proposals at truck stop glory holes than on this Delta flight.

Mile-High Marriage Proposal of the Day [The Daily What]

This Canadian man has the worst OkCupid profile ever

Chris Spags — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 16:18:51 +0000

Buzzfeed’s Twitter account brought this one to our attention, and it’s one everyone must see. Meet Bill Gronk, owner of what might be the worst online dating profile ever.

Click the image for a full-sized versionIs it real? I don’t know, man. It’s Canada. Anything goes up there. Mullets, likes Dokken…seems legit.

Either way, any lovely ladies out there who have been pining for a man who’ll treat her right and “half a good tim,” you can find our OkCupid lothario here.

VIDEO: Old school relationship advice video is the most cliché thing ever

Chris Spags — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 18:09:02 +0000

Do you like hackneyed jokes about how men are like appliances followed by forced laughter from a studio audience? Then this clip, surfaced on Everything Is Terrible, is a big winner for you.

I’ve been called a lot of things in my day but being compared a toaster is definitely not something I’d be proud of. But I’m much more offended by the outrageous laughter coming for all the jokes this sensible-suited woman is throwing out there. “Men should come with instruction booklets, amirite ladies?” is not something that should precede the hyena-like cackles of a room full of 1980s broads. Maybe on an ad for Whitney. It’d seem downright genius on there.

Understanding This Is Going to Save Your Sanity [The Hairpin]

Old people getting banged out on the Internet more than ever, according to NY Times

Chris Spags — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 19:30:19 +0000

The Internet is a limitless world of wonder and people having sex for your amusement. And sometimes, your nightmares, if we’re to believe this NY Times article on old people “hooking up” on the Internet in record numbers.

If the article headline didn't make you nauseous, this image may!

The trend piece in today’s NY Times uses the experience of 65-year-old Natalie Friend to illustrate how more and more older people are finding love and other wrinkly things online.

Friend says that she decided to try the online pool after her daughter met her husband, a friend’s son met his wife, and one of her cousins met her husband online.

She said she was looking for a “playmate” when she joined SeniorPeopleMeet.com, not husband No. 3. But a couple of months and $14.95 later, she met Mr. Right.

The Times article goes on to say that people 55 and older are going to dating sites in the US more than any other age group, a number that’s climbed 39 percent in the last three years. The second largest dating pool on the rise? People aged 45-54.

Point being, don’t be shocked when your OkCupid profile is getting staked out by ladies interested in Matlock and osteoporosis checkups. They may not be able to have kids, do anything physical, or drink due to their heart medication, but they’re craving a vigorous poking, like a dying lion in the Serengeti.

Second Love at First Click [NY Times via Gawker]

Man accused of shoving poisonous snake dung into girlfriend’s mouth gets arrested

Chris Spags — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 18:05:28 +0000

When competing for the imagined crown of World’s Worst Boyfriend, you’ve got to get creative. And one Ohio man did just that as he stands accused of shoveling poisonous snake feces into his girlfriend’s mouth.

The Coral Snake, aka the feces provider.

According to police, Matthew Rudisill and girlfriend Amber Pennell were having a fight when Rudisill allegedly threatened her with violence and damaging her bedroom.

Pennell told officers that she grabbed a poisonous coral snake from its tank, threatening to let it go unless Rudisill left.

Then, Rudisill responded by grabbing the snake’s tail and extracting feces from its rear before shoving his now-dung-covered hand into her mouth.

Rudisill denies any charges of assaulting Pennell or shoving the snake crap in her mouth.

I wouldn’t consider myself a relationship expert or anything, but I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that one of the basic pieces of any successful domestic partnership is not getting in a situation in which one person needs a snake to protect themselves. There are millions of things I’d use if I felt threatened in my home; an autonomous reptile would not even be in the top five.

Either way though, I hope none of my future ladyfriends ever complain again about their mouths being subjected foreign inedible substances. So long as it’s not the poisonous shit of a reptile, I expect carte blanche.

Elyria man accused of shoving snake poop in girlfriend’s mouth [Newsnet 5]