Marine rapper asks Betty White to Marine Corps Ball
“She’s funny, sweet, mature — she’s the all-around perfect woman.”

Rachel Uchitel returns hush money to Tiger, threatens Gloria Allred
“Rachel’s lawyer has given Gloria a deadline, and if Gloria doesn’t ante up … a legal malpractice lawsuit will be filed.”

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony to do joint reality show as planned
“Q’Viva! the hotly anticipated 2012 celebration of Latin music, artistry and dance, is set to film this autumn in South America…”

David Duchovny & Tea Leoni back together after split
“The actors wed in 1997 and separated for the first time in 2008.”

Rebecca Black releasing new single “My Moment”
“‘My Moment’ will be available for purchase Tuesday on iTunes and other online retailers.”

Sarah Palin documentary opens to empty theaters & terrible reviews
“An excruciating combination of bombast and whining.”

Jenna Fischer’s pregnancy will play out on The Office
“Pam and Jim snuck away last season on Valentine’s Day, and they had sex.”

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married
“Lachey and Minnillo’s destination wedding will be televised on a TLC special…”

Casey Anthony will have ‘issues’ for a long time
“As long as there are so many people of the lynch-mob mentality, those willing to deny the fact that the jury found her not guilty, she’s going to have issues.”

Brooke Mueller headed south of the border for extreme rehab
“Brooke is going to a treatment facility in Cancun that specializes in prescribing a drug that is not legal in the U.S.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Beyonce’s new music video for her song “Best Thing I Never Had.”

Hugh Hefner introduces girlfriend no. 2
“Shera [Bechard] is both our November 2011 Playmate & my new girlfriend.”

Russell Brand and Kristen Wiig named PETA’s Sexiest Vegetarians
“You shouldn’t eat animals, it’s mean to them.”

Lady Gaga unveils panda alter ego on Japanese TV
“…pandas have paws, and I always tell my fans to put their paws up. I’ve been eating a lot of bamboo this week.”

Lady Gaga calls Japan bracelet lawsuit “misguided”
“”The entire $5 donation made with the purchase of each bracelet is going to support the disaster relief.”

David Duchovny & Tea Leoni separate
“It’s not the first time the couple has taken a break.”

Tracy Morgan cracks offensive jokes about the mentally disabled
“Them young retarded males is strong. They’re strong like chimps.”

Shia LaBeouf: “Am I an a**hole for being honest?”
“I would like to be George Clooney – diplomatic.”

Linda Hogan: I thought Hulk was going to kill me
“[Hulk] tore my shirt. He threw lamps. He held me down on the bed with his hands around my throat during arguments, slamming doors, pounding walls.”

Hulk Hogan: Linda is “delusional”
“Linda’s claims of abuse, which she made this morning on the Today show, are ‘a cold, blatant lie.’”

Warner Bros. still planning on a Green Lantern sequel for some reason
“Sources say Warners still believes in the franchise, even if the studio is ‘somewhat disappointed’ with Green Lantern’s result.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Jennifer Hudson’s sexy new music video for her song “No One Gonna Love You.”

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