Remember that Call of Duty commercial with the boring jarhead from Avatar and the man-child from Superbad? Well, replace the latter with Leno and what do you get? This…

I have to admit, it’s exceptionally well done. Then again, you can do a lot with today’s technology, and with a boss like Jay Leno breathing down your neck (I’ve heard plenty of stories about the guy, and it all paints one single picture: the dude is weird).

Justin Bieber tops list of richest teen entertainers
“Nipping at his heels was veteran teen starlet Miley Cyrus, whose haul was $48 million, almost all of it earned from touring.”

Abercrombie & Fitch will pay The Situation not to wear their clothes
“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image.”

Michael Jackson estate threatens legal action over tribute concert
“…the letter said the estate was ‘especially disappointed’ by the announcement on Monday that greasepaint rockers Kiss have been added to the bill.”

Brad Cooper out of The Crow remake, Channing Tatum sought as replacement
“…two new names have surfaced as possible replacements: Channing Tatum and Mark Wahlberg.”

David Letterman targeted with threat from Jihadist Website
“We ask Allah to paralyze his tongue and grant the sincere monotheists his neck.”

Lady Gaga to perform at 2011 MTV VMAs
“Gaga joins a star-studded VMA roster that already includes Adele, Lil Wayne, Bruno Mars, Chris Brown and Young the Giant.”

Adam Levine slams American Idol for “masking” gays
“C’mon. You can’t be publicly gay? At this point? On a singing competition? Give me a break.”

How Sugarland’s stage manager saved their lives in stage collapse
“Her decision to hold them for literally a minute saved every band member and crew’s life.”

Gerard Butler sued for overtime pay at Korean BBQ joint
“Gerard Butler and a slew of other stars have been sued for allegedly stiffing two former employees out of overtime pay at a Hollywood restaurant the celebs co-own.”

Howard Stern blasts Andy Dick for anti-Semitic tirade
“‘For two years I did the show, never got a cent and I’m not complaining about that … I’m just saying the Jew facts — I never got paid,’ Dick said.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Kylie Minogue in an Agent Provocateur commercial that was banned from most networks.

Inevitably, during your busy work week, there are videos you probably missed on Guyism. But don’t fret, we’ve compiled some of the best in one post for you.

Woman attempts to stop beer thieves, fails miserably

Everybody has the occasional delusions of grandeur…moments in life where you think you are destined to do something great. In this case, a woman named Monique Lawless tried to stop three men stealing beer from a local Wal-Mart. It did not end well.

Miss USA pageant features Miss California poorly talking about weed

Miss California Alyssa Campanella discussed medical marijuana during the Miss USA pageant and found a way to offend stoners and people with any intellect in one swoop.

Justin Bieber get attacked (plus one girl’s hilarious reaction

By now you’ve heard that Justin Bieber had a weird situation where he was confused by an undercover cop, resulting in the cop getting into a physical altercation with him. While the situation turned out innocently enough, this video from a girl in the crowd is priceless. Warning: Shrill sounds and “Cloverfield”-esque camera work forthcoming.

Drunk Hollywood girls have a gangland brawl in sexy club attire

Do I need to add anything to this other than tell you that it’s a bunch of girls dressed like hoochies getting into a big ass brawl in a parking lot near Hollywood club Premiere? No. So just watch it.

Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison’s marriage gets Taiwan CGI

No one understands why sexy 16-year-old Courtney Stodden married career bit actor Doug Hutchison. But the brave souls at Next Media Animation are doing what they can to get to the bottom of it with their patented Taiwanese CGI technology.

Massive brawl breaks out after Santos wins Copa Libertadores

Moments after Brazil’s Santos beat Uruguay’s Penarol to capture the Copa Libertadores title, a brawl broke out on the field. According to some players, the fight was started by a fan who got loose on the field. Yea, I know, a soccer fight involving fans? Shocking.

This is the world’s first dog with four bionic paws

Meet Naki’o. He’s a normal dog and enjoys things like running, jumping, and swimming. He’s adorable. Oh, and he’s the world’s first dog fitted with prosthetic bionic paws.

How do you sell a c-level game? You get some c-level celebrities

Scared off by all the negative reviews that Duke Nukem Forever has gained? Well, what if one of your favorite celebs was a fan? Like… Tay Zonday! You know, Chocolate Rain guy?

Wimbledon line judge takes 110 mph serve off the head

The John Isner-Nicholas Mahut rematch turned out to be a real dud. It did, however, feature this hilarious highlight of a Wimbledon line judge taking a serve off the noggin.

Cameron Diaz feeds David Letterman popcorn

Earlier this year at the Super Bowl, A-Rod and Cameron Diaz shared a romantic moment together as she fed popcorn to him. Unbeknownst to them, the private feeding was caught on camera and millions around the globe laughed at their expense.

And now thanks to David Letterman, we can relive that special moment.

And now thanks to David Letterman, we can relive that special moment. Watch as Cameron Diaz hilariously feeds Dave popcorn on last night’s show.

Letterman also asked her about her outfit saying, “What are you wearing, I mean, what aren’t you wearing, I mean it’s great, don’t get me wrong.” To which Gaga explained that she only liked the jacket, so that’s the part of the getup she chose to wear. Letterman then responded, “You and I are very different in that way. I have never thought to myself, ‘I’m just going to wear my underpants.’”

“I wore a tuxedo for you,” said Eva.

“I guess you did. Or part of one,” replied Dave.

The mere fact that Letterman was even able to continue the show after this display speaks volumes as to what a consummate professional he truly is. Lord knows, I would have had to stop the show and go take a cold shower… or something.

Letterman Gets Completely Distracted by Eva Longoria’s Skimpy Outfit (VIDEO) [TV Squad]

Yes, if you must know, Charles Barkley does make regular bi-weekly appearances in posts. However, in fairness, it’s not everyday you get a sports figure as polarizing and one who isn’t afraid to say what’s on his mind. There is no such thing as “pc” to Chuck, and that my friends, is what makes him so interesting.

Last night on “The Late Show with David Letterman”, Barkley was asked to talk about the upcoming NCAA tournament. Although Barkley is primarily an NBA analyst, his employer, Turner Broadcasting, bought the TV rights along with CBS. So good ‘ol Chuck had to brush up on his college teams lest he look like a complete dumbass during March Madness.

But that’s not all Letterman wanted to talk about with Barkley. The discussion of college athletes graduating came up and there was a candid discussion as to whether the universities have an obligation to help players get their degrees as opposed to just making them academically eligible. Letterman then asked Barkley when he himself graduated and naturally, the jokes just started rolling from there.

Barkley: “I’ve been thinking about going back to get my degree.”
Letterman: “Why not?”
Barkley: “You know Dave, the truth of the matter is, I’m just loaded.”

The highlights:

On Jay Leno:

“I want to see you beat Jay Leno tonight…Jay is horrible. The thing that drove me nuts, and I wanted to ask you about it, is when you had that Super Bowl commercial with Jay, you had the guy down on the ground. And you let the guy up?…I didn’t like it.”

On “Late Show” executive producer Rob Burnett:

“I ran into Rob Burnett, your executive producer. He tells me he’s now directing a movie. I said, ‘You know, you got some goddamn nerve. Dave’s out there, he’s fighting for his life. He wants to beat this Jay Leno, [Leno]‘s got no talent and Jay’s getting ratings. I said, ‘Rob, put aside the movie and let’s get to work.’”

On Paul Shaffer:

“You’ve gotten a little bit complacent. Don’t take this as a criticism, take this as help…sometimes playing your instrument isn’t enough. You’re busy writing books…Forget the book for a second, Paul. You’re busy back there getting high all the time and then you’re busy at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame every year…Shouldn’t you be working on this show? When we’re number one and beating Jay, then you do the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.”

On Bill Cosby:

“I feel like Bill Cosby sitting out here doing a monologue…except I’m making sense.”

On Regis’s firing:

“(To Dave) I don’t want the same thing to happen to you that happened to Regis. He was fired!..He lives in my building, I wait in the lobby, I’m waiting for him..he asked for more money, he got fired, he got the boot.”

There’s a whole lot more. The clips aren’t up on CBS.com yet, but you can see the full appearance (split up into segments but still with commercials, unfortunately) embedded below.

But to his credit, he was at the very least, entertaining, which is more than most guests who deliver the nightly list. And yes, if you must know, Newton did profess his undying love for “Bieber fever”.

Every time I think South Park can’t get any better, they come up with yet another gem. Last night’s episode entitled “Sexual Healing” was an all-time classic. Not only did they poke fun at the Tiger Woods sex situation but they had several guest appearances from David Letterman, Ben Roethlisberger, Bill Clinton, Michael Jordan, and Michael Douglas.

You know things were going to be good right off the bat as South Park opened with this hilarious re-enactment of the car accident/club beating incident Thanksgiving Night.

You have to love the butchered accent from Elin Nordegren. They also made her a bit uglier than was necessary, although, the golf wielding was spot on.

The clip though doesn’t do the entire episode justice so I suggest you watch it. Even if it’s just to hear Bill Clinton deliver this absolutely hilarious line in sex rehab.

“Putting cigars in girls vag—-”

Biff Henderson, known more for his comedy bits on the show than being a stage manager went out for a route, caught a rocket of a pass from Dave and then took a nasty tumble.

Henderson suffered some minor injuries but the show was delayed as ambulances escorted him away.  Bullock, who was scheduled to be on after Drew Brees waited patiently as the show was delayed more than an hour.  In doing so though, Bullock was late to a party thrown in her honor for being nominated “Best Actress” for Blind Side.

From Page Six of the NY Post this morning:

Sandra Bullock has David Letterman to blame for her being late to a cocktail party at Monkey Bar hosted by director Paul Haggis to celebrate her Oscar nomination for “The Blind Side.” Bullock was on set during Monday’s taping of Letterman’s show when stage manager Biff Henderson injured himself after awkwardly catching a football thrown by the host. The mishap delayed taping

Bullock probably didn’t complain too loudly though. She got an autographed Drew Brees football out of the ordeal.

But we do know this.

He probably didn’t need any of that to hit this huge homerun off David Letterman. Although, I’m pretty sure Letterman served him up a meatball.

It must be pretty awesome to be a celebrity like that, where you can do a TV show just because you’re a formerly hot piece of ass who now is a somewhat similar-looking, albeit slightly aged and recently crazy, piece of ass a decade later. That’s why I never buy into the excuses women make about being discriminated against just for having a vagina. Having the vagina isn’t the problem…not being famous enough to have it matter when it’s prominently displayed when getting out of the car is.

[as seen on]

You need to watch this video in its entirety to truly realize how much of a nut Joaquin Phoenix has become.

I can’t tell if he’s just high or he’s just being a douchebag and not saying anything. I’m glad Dave starting to take him to the woodshed at the end of the clip.

Classic Letterman!

H/T: Tasty Booze

Here’s a snippet rundown, via Defamer:

:01 – 3:27: Letterman takes fairly tame shots at McCain mixed with genuine praise for the man’s heroism.

3:27 – 6:34: Dave starts getting testy!

6:35 – 9:11: Fill-in guest Keith Olbermann (haha, amazing choice) is interrupted when Letterman finds out about McCain’s Couric interview, conducted at that very moment down the street. Letterman then plays live footage of McCain getting powdered by a makeup assistant before Couric goes on the air.

Other than the fact that the clip is awesome for showing that Letterman, apparently, still has some teeth, it’s even more hilarious that John McCain has this faux-importance he’s presenting to the country. John McCain is rolling up his sleeves (so long as they don’t go above his shoulders since his arms don’t go that high) and getting to work, folks! Nevermind that there’s nothing really he can do. Nevermind that some of his work helped the Wall Street companies in trouble get to this point. Nevermind that his aides have been taking money to the tune of millions from Freddie Mac…no no. John McCain is getting it done.

I seriously wish my life were so cushy. Granted, I don’t do a lot of “work” in the traditional sense, but it just seems counterintuitive that a man hoping to be a global economic player can already go into hiding without even having won the job. I can’t do that in my job. “Hey Chris, write this up for me, will you?” “I’d love to, but I can’t. I’m suspending my work right now…I need to focus on greater issues.” “Such as?” “Uhhhhh…the economy…sucks…so….I’ll be over here…scratchin’ my balls.”

Hmm. I’ve had worse harebrained schemes.

H/T: MDS @ AOL Again…

Yea, I know there are few outside of me that still watch David Letterman, but hey, if you prefer the staged comedy of Jay Leno, well, that makes you a tool.

#5. Constantly asking, “What Would Michigan State Coach Tom Izzo do”?