Today is National Grilled Cheese Day. But not all of us have the time or culinary skills to whip one up ourselves. So let’s just get foxy with these sultry sandwiches from Pinterest and Instagram. These are the sexiest grilled cheeses you’ll find online.

Mac and Cheese Grilled Cheese ]]>

Today is National Grilled Cheese Day. But not all of us have the time or culinary skills to whip one up ourselves. So let’s just get foxy with these sultry sandwiches from Pinterest and Instagram. These are the sexiest grilled cheeses you’ll find online.

Mac and Cheese Grilled Cheese

This saucy minx of a sandwich is like the Inception of sending your body into a carbohydrate shock.

via Taylor Russell

Standard Grilled Cheese

You’re looking a little dry, baby. Maybe we can get into the shower together to get you ready for action.

via bladetag

Cream Cheese Grilled Cheese

A cream cheese grilled cheese, you say? Well aren’t we an exotic little treat.

via Maureen Dumas

Grilled Cheese with Broccoli

You know I like my grilled cheeses a little dark. But we’re inviting broccoli into our man-on-cheese action? That’s a little too kinky for me, baby. But I’ll try it for you…just this once.

via breeeddd

Open Faced Grilled Cheese

Oh my God, sandwich, do you know everyone can see your cheese? You can’t post pictures with your bread all open like this. What if people find out? You’re so naughty!

via cdinas

Grilled Cheese with Bacon

Bringing bacon into the mix? Very kinky. You’re so dangerous, grilled cheese. You don’t even care if Jewish people can eat you. That devil-may-care attitude will get you far in life.

via thaynap

Bleu Cheese Grilled Cheese

You’re so exotic, Bleu Cheese Grilled Cheese. What you lack in an attractive odor you’ll more than make up for in romantic experience and pure French sexual cheese magnetism.

via Charlotte Myers

Gooey Grilled Cheese

Look at you, dripping all over the place. Can’t even contain yourself. You want in my mouth real bad, don’t you. sandwich? You’re insatiable.

via still_smitten

Cute Grilled Cheese

Only in Japan, sandwich. Only in Japan.

via Ivana Wang

If you can make it, you can deep fry it. Predator logic has infiltrated McDonald’s restaurants in Austria where they’ll be serving a deep fried McRib called the McRibster.

According to Eater, the limited-release sandwich contains the deep fried McRib pork, bacon, pepper-Jack ]]>

If you can make it, you can deep fry it. Predator logic has infiltrated McDonald’s restaurants in Austria where they’ll be serving a deep fried McRib called the McRibster.

According to Eater, the limited-release sandwich contains the deep fried McRib pork, bacon, pepper-Jack cheese, iceberg lettuce, red onion, honey-mustard sauce and spicy sweet chili sauce. The dreams of a deep fried McRib combined with the stopping power of bacon have finally been realized.

If you find yourself in Austria sometime in the next month, you may be in luck: The McRibster is available to make its way into your heart — literally — until March 27th.

I lived in Los Angeles for four years and pounded back my fair share of In-N-Out burgers in that period. But this line at an opening of Texas’s first In-N-Out is downright ungodly.

Oh yeah, and there’s also this one of some chick crying at the ]]>

I lived in Los Angeles for four years and pounded back my fair share of In-N-Out burgers in that period. But this line at an opening of Texas’s first In-N-Out is downright ungodly.

Oh yeah, and there’s also this one of some chick crying at the sheer glory of In-N-Out.

Point being: People take In-N-Out way too seriously. It’s a burger. A well-made burger, sure. But it’s still just meat, lettuce, tomato, and cheese in two slices of bread. Is this burger going to make me see God or force me to ejaculate in some way? Maybe. But I’m not waiting in a seven hour long line to find out when I can just pop a shroom and have sex with a pack of ground beef for the same effect. No fries though. Seems like a dangerous combination with the shrooms and ground beef sex.

I feel like we’ve posted more videos from the Epic Meal Time crew than we ever have anyone else, but hey, they keep upping the ante so we kind of have to keep doing it until they kill themselves. This time, a whole bunch of deep fried and ]]>

I feel like we’ve posted more videos from the Epic Meal Time crew than we ever have anyone else, but hey, they keep upping the ante so we kind of have to keep doing it until they kill themselves. This time, a whole bunch of deep fried and seemingly delicious breakfast items combined to make a Fortress.

I feel like I’ve said each time I’ve written about these dudes that I have no clue how they could top this. But seriously, what else is left? Can I suggest human flesh? They’re in Canada, I think. That’s got to be legal there. Maybe a fried skin suit like the one Jame Gumb wore in “Silence of the Lambs”? WHERE DOES IT ALL END?

Oh lovers’ quarrels…sometimes they end in passionate sex, other times they end in a woman assaulting her boyfriend with a plate of tamales. Such is the case with Adyan Sanchez, who’s now behind bars for her tamale assault. Police said that deputies arrived on the scene ]]>

Oh lovers’ quarrels…sometimes they end in passionate sex, other times they end in a woman assaulting her boyfriend with a plate of tamales. Such is the case with Adyan Sanchez, who’s now behind bars for her tamale assault.

Police said that deputies arrived on the scene after a 911 call claiming there was domestic violence in the home of Sanchez and her boyfriend, Roberto Olvera.

The police report claims that, upon arrival, they noticed that the victim Olvera had “tamale sauce all over his pants.”

Allegedly, Sanchez assaulted Olvera after he called her a bitch in front of the couple’s young son.

When officers attempted to get a statement from, Olvera, Sanchez burst and told officers that she “threw the tamales on him because she is not going to leth im call her a bitch in front of her son and get away with it.”

Sanchez is charged with misdemeanor battery (and presumably two counts of defacing a delicious corn-based Latino meal).

You know, as crazy as it sounds to commit assault with a tamale, I think that’s a perfectly reasonable response to being called a bitch. She didn’t strike Olvera or stab him…she just threw a soft, delicious, spicy dinner at him. I don’t want to get tamale sauce all over my pants, but that seems like a fair trade-off. If he called her the C word, she could have upgraded to beating him about the head with a well-seasoned flank steak. The punishment fits the crime.

Wanton Tamale Assault Lands Florida Woman Behind Bars [The Smoking Gun]

I’m not sure there’s much more you need to know about the absurdity of this story other than the headline, but a New Haven, Connecticut man who took two bullets to the groin stopped to eat a sandwich before finally heading to the emergency room. Police ]]>

I’m not sure there’s much more you need to know about the absurdity of this story other than the headline, but a New Haven, Connecticut man who took two bullets to the groin stopped to eat a sandwich before finally heading to the emergency room.

Police say New Haven resident Miguel Soto III was shot twice in the groin by two unknown suspects.

Unfortunately, Soto had just bought a sandwich, so he returned home, took a seat in the kitchen, and finished the footlong hero he had sought to eat.

Soto was then driven by his father to the Yale-New Haven hospital to seek treatment for his injuries.

The wounds aren’t life-threatening and Soto is expected to have a full recovery.

My big remaining question is…how good was the sandwich? I love a good sandwich more than anybody, but I have to imagine that for a hero to make me not want to treat two gunshot wounds to the groin, it’d have to really blow my mind in ways I can’t even imagine. Like so good that I’d ejaculate into my pants. Assuming that was still functioning after the bullets there. Man, that’d be awkward if the sandwich was pants-jizz-worthy and then, due to the bullet holes, he just spurted it out like a cartoon character drinking water after getting sprayed with bullets by Elmer Fudd. Life is silly like that some times.

Shot twice, Connecticut man eats sandwich before going to hospital: report [NY Post]

There are so many odd little projects online that people undertake just for fun. Some seem silly, others are clearly transcendent works of art that society just isn’t ready for. You take a guess as to which category this Mario made out of toast falls under.

A California-area fifth grader found himself in trouble for bringing a box of Fruity Pebbles into school. Unfortunately, the problem wasn’t that he didn’t bring enough for the whole class, but rather that the Fruity Pebbles were from his sister’s purchase at a nearby medical marijuana shop. No wonder Barney ]]>

A California-area fifth grader found himself in trouble for bringing a box of Fruity Pebbles into school. Unfortunately, the problem wasn’t that he didn’t bring enough for the whole class, but rather that the Fruity Pebbles were from his sister’s purchase at a nearby medical marijuana shop. No wonder Barney wanted them so desperately.

Police say a fifth grader brought special Fruity Pebbles treats to school on Monday: they contained marijuana.

Police say they were contacted after several fifth graders at Stoneman Elementary School shared nibbles of the sugary treat.

A couple of students told school staff, who contacted police and paramedics, said Pittsburg school superintendent Barbara Wilson.

The student who brought the treats to school knew they contained pot, police say. The student had obtained the treats from her adult sister. The older sister told police she received the pot treats from a medical marijuana dispensary.

Let’s say that hypothetically I’ve had food baked with pot before. If you make it really well, it’s not bad. But if you screw up just a little bit, the flavor of the marijuana in your baked good leaps onto your tongue, making it approximately as delicious an experience as licking one of the unkempt guys wearing a poncho by NYU’s campus. I loved Fruity Pebbles as a child and while I’m sure the professionals at a medical marijuana shop know what they’re doing, I can’t see how this would be that delicious.

I’m not sure why the paramedics were called in though. Maybe the kids might get a little sick, but it’s not like you’re going to OD from eating a handful of cereal with one tiny leaf of pot in each bite. If he took his sister’s Cocoa Pebbles, then maybe it’s worth some professional help; a chocolatey breakfast cereal never seemed quite as dour until you eat one that’s laced with heroin, a pain that Cookie Crisp mascot “Cookie Crook” knows all too well.

Pot in 5th graders [sic] Fruity Pebbles treat [SF Gate]
Image credit [Flickr]

In the annals of archaeological finds, there have been all sorts of great things unearthed…dinosaur bones, human skeletons, and now a 140-year-old hot dog encased in a block of ice underneath the ground where the original Coney Island hot dog stand was created. All hail our new King of Hot ]]>

In the annals of archaeological finds, there have been all sorts of great things unearthed…dinosaur bones, human skeletons, and now a 140-year-old hot dog encased in a block of ice underneath the ground where the original Coney Island hot dog stand was created. All hail our new King of Hot Dogs.

At nearly 140 years old, this Coney Island hot dog is in pretty good shape.

It was recently found encased in ice underneath the boardwalk’s famous Feltman’s Kitchen.

The restaurant was formerly owned by the inventor of the Coney Island hot dog.

“Coney Island holds a lot of history of Brooklyn and New York, and for them to find a hot dog is just something to add onto it,” said Quincy Cook.

“That’s unbelieveable (sic), finding hot dogs that are 140 years old. That’s crazy. To me, that’s crazy,” said Antonio Velez.

You can see video of this huge news story here.

I’m not sure what exactly that says about the digestive process your body has to create to get a hot dog through our supple intestines. When a food we eat regularly can withstand temperature changes, the invention of the automobile and construction happening on top of it, you might want to avoid eating it in the future. You could probably find things that are healthier to eat in Magic Johnson’s shaving cuts than a hot dog.

140-year-old hot dog discovered [WWLP via Fark]

When people decry lawyers and frivolous lawsuits, fairly or not, the first thing they point to is the 1994 “hot coffee being spilled on an old lady’s lap” suit that ended up settling for about $600,000. But people continue to be incompetent, so finally, we can relive ]]>

When people decry lawyers and frivolous lawsuits, fairly or not, the first thing they point to is the 1994 “hot coffee being spilled on an old lady’s lap” suit that ended up settling for about $600,000. But people continue to be incompetent, so finally, we can relive the excitement: Another woman, this time in Oregon, is suing McDonald’s for the exact same thing.

According to the suit, “as it was being handed to her by an employee of the defendant, the plaintiff took the cup of coffee and the plastic top fell off and spilled very hot coffee on plaintiff’s upper right leg…”

She went into “nervous shock,” endured pain and has scarring. She seeks $7,182 for her pain and suffering, plus another $318 for lost wages and medical expenses.

I’m not going to say the woman is completely at fault…I’ve gotten stuff from fast food places where the lid hasn’t been on tightly enough, leading to spillage, more than enough times. Annoying, certainly. Given that knowledge and the generally accepted convention that coffee tends to be hot, I might want to exercise some caution when taking coffee from a fast food place. Grabbing the coffee from the simpletons and then swinging it around as if I were having a sword fight with one of the Three Musketeers seems like I’m just asking for my testes to be burned alive like my neighbors on Elm Street suspected me of doing bad things with their kids.

UPDATE: For more info on the original 1994 law suit, I recommend checking out this article on the suit (provided by commenter “Kungfu”) which shows that it was less frivolous than the public perceived it as both then and now.

Oregon Woman Sues McDonalds Over Too-Hot Coffee [Consumerist]

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Okay, this video is literally just a viral video for some food place in NYC that I’ve never been to and that isn’t paying me to play this. But man, if you’re going to do a viral video for your health food store, you’ve got to do it like this. ]]>

Okay, this video is literally just a viral video for some food place in NYC that I’ve never been to and that isn’t paying me to play this. But man, if you’re going to do a viral video for your health food store, you’ve got to do it like this. Faux muppets, profanity…I can’t see how this company isn’t making a billion dollars already.

So I don’t know what it says about me that I saw this ad and thought that at least 70% of the stuff that they were saying was “crap” looked entirely delicious. I mean seriously, if you ate by the letter of the law according to strictest health food fanatics, you could pretty much take bites out of your desk at work and get the same level of satisfaction.

I may be slightly biased though due to that muppet in the beginning selling Crap cereal. While I don’t love the name of the cereal since it doesn’t really connote deliciousness or magical leprechauns, I would follow that surly green muppet to the depths of hell. He could take a muppet dump on a plate (which I assume would be made of felt and perhaps be able to sing a song about friendship or the importance of eating vegetables) and I’d be like, “Yes sir, Mr. Muppet, I am on board with this.”

[Buzzfeed]

Far be it from me to judge another country’s delicacies, but it seems as though the Chinese spin on a traditional hot dog might leave you with more problems than you bargained for.

No wonder my Ballpark Franks stopped plumping when I cooked them and instead ]]>

Far be it from me to judge another country’s delicacies, but it seems as though the Chinese spin on a traditional hot dog might leave you with more problems than you bargained for.

No wonder my Ballpark Franks stopped plumping when I cooked them and instead sat there, weak, stroking a tiny poodle and sipping on broth.

Also, just a pro tip to any future restauranteurs or food purveyors out there: It’s also typically not a good idea to give away your special ingredients right there on the sign. Make the diner surprised by the robust, layered flavors of AIDS rather than know what’s coming. I apply the same principles to my sex life. It’s totally okay so long as you shrug and go “Whoopsidoodle!” afterward.

If you’ve been in a relationship, particularly one in which you live with a person, I’m sure you know that the smallest things can set your partner off. As is evidenced in this case of a wife pouring soda on her husband’s tacos, then stabbing him in the heart. With ]]>

If you’ve been in a relationship, particularly one in which you live with a person, I’m sure you know that the smallest things can set your partner off. As is evidenced in this case of a wife pouring soda on her husband’s tacos, then stabbing him in the heart. With this and Taco Bell’s founder dying, it’s not a good time to be a taco.

A Greenfield woman accused of stabbing her husband to death allegedly did so after the two argued about tacos, prosecutors said.

Police said Emma Jaime stabbed her husband, Ramone Jaime, in the heart at their home on New Year’s Day.

Prosecutors said Emma Jaime dumped soda on her husband’s tacos and then ran upstairs.

When Emma Jaime came down the stairs, she found Ramone Jaime washing dishes, and that is when she stabbed him, prosecutors said.

Both Raymond and Emma Jaime were correctional officers at Salinas Valley State Prison, and had been married for six months. They moved into their home two months ago.

Man, six months and you’re already getting into taco-related stabbings? That’s just absurd. I understand that situations change after marriage, but something like this is just inexcusable. No matter how crazy your wife is, you never expect a scenario like this. A knife to the heart..sure, that happens. But pouring soda on the man’s tacos? That’s just too much. There are certain lines a man never expects his wife to cross.

This poor guy just seems like he drew a bad hand. According to this account, he seemed like he just wanted to enjoy some delicious tacos and then, even after they were ruined by his wife’s malicious soda-ing, just ended up cleaning his plate, traumatized by all the tacos lost in battle. This is why you should be able to terminate a marriage with no problems after the first three months and you determine whether or not your wife or husband is a lunatic. If not for the safety of this man, then do it for the tacos.

[MSNBC]

Carl’s Jr and Burger King have been employing some eye candy for their ads for years now, but it’s recently coming under fire since Kim Kardashian has begun appearing on Web cam (what?) for Carl’s Jr. and Burger King’s UK ads have a British woman in a bikini in a ]]>

Carl’s Jr and Burger King have been employing some eye candy for their ads for years now, but it’s recently coming under fire since Kim Kardashian has begun appearing on Web cam (what?) for Carl’s Jr. and Burger King’s UK ads have a British woman in a bikini in a shower hawking their foods. So what’s up with the burgers and the sex? Finally, some answers.

“It’s as if we’re back in the 1950s the way pop culture portrays women, but with New Age technology,” says Terry O’Neill, president of the National Organization for Women.

Martin Lindstrom, a marketing consultant, questions whether sex in ads really sells. While viewers are quick to recall sexual imagery, they mostly forget what brand is behind the ad, he says. “What does sex really have to do with burgers?”

That’s not the point, says Andy Puzder, CEO of Carl’s Jr. “You can say 1,000 times that you have a great burger and no one will listen to you, but if you put a beautiful woman in the ad, they will.”

[USA Today]

Relationships are difficult. For anecdotal proof, you can see the dozens of stories here. But when the going gets tough between you and your lady, the solution sometimes isn’t the obvious one. Like throwing a hamburger in her face to get her back in line. see the dozens of stories here. But when the going gets tough between you and your lady, the solution sometimes isn’t the obvious one. Like throwing a hamburger in her face to get her back in line.

As Confucius once said, “The larger the hamburger, the more problems you’ll solve when you throw it in a loved one’s face.”

A 25-year-old Port St. Lucie man was arrested for allegedly rubbing a hamburger on his wife’s face during an argument.

Police say Daniel Boss and his wife got into it late Thursday night and started calling each other names. At some point, the woman apparently poured soda on Boss’ hamburger, causing him to grab the sandwich, rub it in her face and start throwing food.

Boss left, but his wife went to the police station to report the incident. Officers arrested him three hours later on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge.

Well, at least it wasn’t a felony. Getting convicted of a felony domestic battery charge for shoving hamburger in your wife’s face probably wouldn’t give you much credibility. “What are you in for? I bust into a police station and killed seven cops.” “Oh, I blew up the gas station where a rival drug dealer was with his crew. [Ed. note: This is an extremely articulate prison.] What about you, fish?” “I got into a big fight with my wife and she poured soda on my hamburger. So I shoved it in her face.. No seriously, you guys don’t understand, this was a SEVEN OUNCE BURGER. …you’re going to rape me again, aren’t you?”

[WTSP]

I had always assumed that to commit “assault with a deadly weapon” that an actual deadly weapon had to be involved. But it turns out that that it isn’t just knives and guns and lemurs that can get you in trouble, such as this teenager who got charged with felony ]]>

I had always assumed that to commit “assault with a deadly weapon” that an actual deadly weapon had to be involved. But it turns out that that it isn’t just knives and guns and lemurs that can get you in trouble, such as this teenager who got charged with felony assault for throwing a burrito.

Look at it there, so menacing but trying to appear innocent. We’re onto you, burrito.

Hernando County Sheriff’s deputies have arrested a South Carolina teen on a charge of throwing a deadly missile at a moving vehicle. That missile was a burrito, deputies said.

According to a police report, John Addie was driving his Honda when he noticed someone lean out of an approaching white Dodge and throw something. The next thing Addie knew his front windshield was cracked and he was covered in refried beans.

Addie followed the Dodge and called deputies. Deputy Scott Lamia wrote in his report the victim’s “vehicle, which was clean and in excellent condition, had a chip in the windshield where the hard object struck it. I observed the contents of a burrito to be on John’s person and his driver’s seat.

The 15-year-old was arrested on the felony charge of throwing a deadly missile Saturday afternoon and released to the custody of his father.

I’m sure it’s less than desirable to have your windshield smashed by a flying burrito, but a deadly weapon, really? I tend to define deadly weapons solely as laid out to me by already established laws as relayed through the game of Clue. Can you imagine Colonel Mustard beating someone to death with a burrito in the observatory? Even if he was able to succeed, it would have to take hours and who’s just going to stay there and take that? Pretty sure after he hit me with a burrito the first time, I’d be like “Hey, Mustard, cut the crap.”

The law confuses me though…pretty much anything can be used as a deadly weapon if you use it in the right way. Like if I encourage you to go skydiving since you’re scared but have always wanted to do it and you end up dying, my encouragement is pretty much the reason for your death. Which is pretty exciting since it’s one step closer to me being able to smite people, but that’s much less cool if I face actual repercussions.

[ABC ACTION! News (the exclamation point isn't actually in the site name, but it should be)]

Michael J. Fox has done a lot for the cause of Parkinson’s, bringing attention and resources to the fight to cure that debilitating disease. So now, perhaps, he can do something for America’s favorite dessert beverage.

Truly touching. People with Parkinson’s can live a normal life, ]]>

Michael J. Fox has done a lot for the cause of Parkinson’s, bringing attention and resources to the fight to cure that debilitating disease. So now, perhaps, he can do something for America’s favorite dessert beverage.

Truly touching. People with Parkinson’s can live a normal life, even continuing to work at the early onsets of the condition. The world needs properly mixed paint and I’ll be damned if James Bond doesn’t have the best possible martini maker around. Surgery? Perhaps not.

[via]

It seems like dead bodies falling into food “accidentally” is all the rage lately. For example, take this poor woman who died at a McDonald’s food processing plant.

A 40-year-old woman has been found dead in a machine at a Southern California food ]]>

It seems like dead bodies falling into food “accidentally” is all the rage lately. For example, take this poor woman who died at a McDonald’s food processing plant.

A 40-year-old woman has been found dead in a machine at a Southern California food processing plant that is a major supplier for McDonald’s restaurants.

Los Angeles County sheriff’s detectives say the woman’s body was found early Tuesday at Golden State Foods in the City of Industry, an east Los Angeles suburb. Investigators believe her death was accidental.

No other details were given about her death or about the woman except that she was an employee.

The Irvine-based company has distribution centers across the nation. Its Web site says the company supplies McDonald’s and developed the sauce for the restaurant’s Big Mac in the 1960s.

Okay so I’m thinking I’m alone on this one, but I don’t think I’d be so skeeved out if I ate something delicious and then they were like, “GOTCHA THAT WAS HUMAN MEAT!” I’d probably ask if I knew the person, but so long as it was some delicious Polynesian boy who didn’t have a whole lot going for him or something, I’d probably quickly make peace with it. I find baby cows pretty adorable and find the way they’re “made” to be atrocious but damn if veal isn’t delicious. So why should little Paoemuhaaaaah expect any different?

Unrelated, would you be opposed if I asked you to sit in a bathtub filled with teriyaki sauce? No reason, just think you’d be comfy in it.

[via]

It seems like one of the popular things to do these days is splice together clips of Food Network whores doing stuff to make it sexual. Skip to like :33 for the good stuff.

Sandra Lee might not be hot by Internet model standards, but I’d definitely blow a ]]>

It seems like one of the popular things to do these days is splice together clips of Food Network whores doing stuff to make it sexual. Skip to like :33 for the good stuff.

Sandra Lee might not be hot by Internet model standards, but I’d definitely blow a load in her casserole (that’s not a euphemism, I’d f her and then beat off into whatever food dish was nearby). Ditto for most of the chicks on these shows like Giada De Laurentiis or Rachael Ray or Ingrid Hoffman. So why the f is that whenever I turn on the Food Network when there’s nothing better on that I’m stuck seeing the moocow hosting the Barefoot Contessa show, Ina Garten? I’m sure she’s a great cook and whatever since she’s fat and fat people tend to know food for some unknown reason, but putting that heifer on is like having a team of lightning fast racehorses, yet bringing a donkey with a missing hoof and diabetes to run in the Kentucky Derby. Get it fixed, Food Network.