Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Rihanna might get naked, just hot for Playboy. (A) She’s already been naked, and (B) She might as well get naked again with what she’s been wearing lately. This is the ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Rihanna might get naked, just hot for Playboy. (A) She’s already been naked, and (B) She might as well get naked again with what she’s been wearing lately. This is the strict definition of a no-brainer.

— Emma Watson’s college experience is going quite well. If you don’t mind having fake nude photos of you being circulated around campus, that is.

— In a bit of shocking news, Madonna has been replaced by Victoria’s Secret Angels for the upcoming series of Dolce and Gabbana ads. My guess is that the computers doing all the airbrushing finally gave out.

— Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s totally sane mother, wants to sue Glee claiming that the show defamed LiLo by saying she was crazy and asking how many times Lindsay has been to rehab. Good luck winning that case.

— Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, it appears that she has a new sponsor. No, not the kind of sponsor she needs to stay on the wagon, she now appears to be sponsored by Pepsi. And if she isn’t, then the folks at Pepsi probably need to put a halt to this right away.

— And speaking of great parents, Britney Spears’ mom and dad got back together. Finally some stability in Brit’s life.

— Tony Danza interrupted the funeral of a friend of his by ripping into the priest for what he was saying. Why? Because he’s Tony Effin’ Danza, that’s why.

— In case you didn’t hear, Jessica Simpson is now engaged to former NFL tight end Eric Johnson. The best part: She had to buy her own engagement ring.

— Joan Baez fell out of a treehouse.

— Harrison Ford went on Conan and well, he might like alcohol.

— Jake Gyllenhaal might be gay or something, so says Anne Hathaway. Let me know if you figure out what she means.

— Tiger Woods wrote a personal letter/essay for Newsweek. Let me know if you understand a word of it.

— DMX got arrested. Again.

— Ryan Reynolds is the sexiest man alive, according to People magazine.

— Ellen Degeneres is the most likable person on the planet, according to other people.

— And finally, Sarah Palin thinks Michelle Obama doesn’t care about white people. Pffft, who does?

This weekend’s sexy video is a follow-up to that GQ photo shoot of Lea Michele and Dianna Agron of Glee fame that caused so much uproar, so if you are offended by hot babes in their 20′s doing things in their underpants pretending to be hot babes in high school doing things in their underpants then you might not want to watch. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Yeah, right…

Radar Online is reporting that Michael Lohan is moving to California so he can open a rehab center that is being funded by “a really well known person.” Obviously Michael is finally serious about being closer to his family…

Can we just go ahead and throw both of the Lohan ]]>

Radar Online is reporting that Michael Lohan is moving to California so he can open a rehab center that is being funded by “a really well known person.” Obviously Michael is finally serious about being closer to his family…

Can we just go ahead and throw both of the Lohan parents in jail for being scum sucking, fame whores that couldn’t raise a normal child if they moved to Iowa with Dr. Phil? Joan Crawford was a better parent than these two. So I’m sure that Lohan will be an absolute gem of rehab director since he’s been arrested for insider trading, assault, driving while under the influence and only really seems interested in helping himself get on the cover of any gossip rags and chasing down the paparazzi so they’ll take his picture.

“Yes, it’s, true, I’ll be running it,” Lohan told us in an exclusive interview. “I think it’s time that Dina and I both step out of the media for a while, and for me that means getting back to what I know best — helping people with addiction.”

Yeah, you and Dina always step out of the spotlight like you were the Lindbergh baby. And how is it that what you know best is “helping people with addiction” and somehow your daughter has been to rehab four different times in the last few years? That’s the worst endorsement for a rehabilitation clinic that I’ve ever heard. I ‘d feel more comfortable going to a Paris Hilton rehab center than anything with “Lohan” tacked on the back of it.

“I’m going to have a protocol that will be have to be followed. I don’t believe in prescription drugs,” he said. “If people come in on them they’re going to have to get off of them, otherwise they’ll be looking for another rehab.”

Turning people away is the first step to recovery. Seeing as this guy should be helping or already should have fixed his daughter if he’s so spectacular at helping people beat their addiction, it’s hard to see this business taking off. And since he can’t seem to beat his addiction to talking to the press, it’s hard to see him being able to help really help anyone do anything significant. Maybe his time would be best spent being a father and a role model so the same thing that happened to Lindsay doesn’t happen to his other kids.

Nah, how would he get on TMZ by doing that?

Michael Lohan To Open Rehab Center, ‘God Will Be A Major Element’ [Radar]

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Rachel Bilson will now NOT be marrying Hayden Christensen. Score one for us.

>>> Bill O’Reilly called Jennifer Aniston “destructive to our society.” Apparently he has seen her movies.

>>>

>>> Rachel Bilson will now NOT be marrying Hayden Christensen. Score one for us.

>>> Bill O’Reilly called Jennifer Aniston “destructive to our society.” Apparently he has seen her movies.

>>> Miley Cyrus is thinking about getting breast implants. She is going to be so much fun in her twenties.

>>> Rihanna got a new neck tattoo. And it’s grammatically incorrect. I’m sure no one will notice though. It’s only on HER NECK.

>>> Hayden Panettiere also got another tattoo. Let’s hope she spelled hers right… this time.

>>> Apparently Jennifer Lopez is NOT going to be a new judge on American Idol, Kara DioGuardi has no idea if she’ll be back, and Mariah Carey wants to be a judge. The longer this goes on, the less I care.

>>> Speaking of American Idol, Fantasia tried to off herself. She did it by overdosing on a combination of aspirin and a sleep aid. Somehow she failed.

>>> Brooklyn Decker think she’s fat. Seriously.

>>> Mike Tyson says his Hangover cameo was for drug money. Mike Tyson does drugs? I don’t know who to believe in anymore.

>>> Paris Hilton is being sued for $35 million by Hairtech International after failing to fulfill her duties as their spokesperson. Why do I feel that the company should get nothing? I mean, they hired Paris Hilton. Hello?

>>> Mischa Barton got high on a boat. Photographers were there.

>>> Julia Roberts is a Hindu now. In case you were wondering.

>>> Remember Amy Fisher, the Long Island Lolita? Officially a porn star now. Hard to believe, I know.

>>> In this week’s Lindsay Lohan news, it seems that while in jail LiLo went to the medical clinic several times a day where she would watch a private TV and use the phone (allegedly). Celebrities: Not like us!

>>> In other Lindsay Lohan news, her mom… yeah, not helping.

>>> In other jailbird news, Charlie Sheen celebrated his NOT GOING TO JAIL, by partying at the Playboy Mansion. Celebrities: Even more not like us!

>>> In this week’s Mel Gibson news, his father thinks the Pope is a homosexual. Mel is really just a chip off the ole block I now see.

>>> And finally, it seems that Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush had a drunken fight a while back. It was so intense that bodyguards had to tear them apart from each other. Gimme $50 on Kim if it happens again.

This week’s video relates to one of the greatest posts I have ever done, Melissa Satta’s photos for Maxim Italy. It’s backstage video of the shoot and I guarantee it will get your juices flowing. That may have been a poor choice of words. Enjoy!

Celebrity gossip you may have missed this week…

>>> Victoria’s Secret supermodel Doutzen Kroes is pregnant and no one knows the father. Bask in the memories while they last.

>>> A Michigan couple tried to extort $680,000 from John Stamos. They failed, but ]]>

Celebrity gossip you may have missed this week…

>>> Victoria’s Secret supermodel Doutzen Kroes is pregnant and no one knows the father. Bask in the memories while they last.

>>> A Michigan couple tried to extort $680,000 from John Stamos. They failed, but did provide us with some nice details on Uncle Jesse’s lifestyle.

>>> Pink fell off the stage and went to the hospital (video). She was actually pretty cool about it too.

>>> Nic Cage almost got his ass kicked. Sort of.

>>> Blake Lively and Leighton Meester weren’t exactly getting along on the set of Gossip Girl this week. Tempers flared over which actress was getting the better wardrobe. I say settle it the old-fashioned way in a pool of baby oil.

>>> In this week’s Mel Gibson news, he allegedly punched his baby, really loves BJ’s, realllly likes to say the C-word, is having financial issues, and is definitely not a racist according to race relations expert Whoopi Goldberg. Danny Glover does not approve.

>>> And in this week’s Lindsay Lohan news, Lindsay’s crazy-ass mom Dina says that LiLo wants to open up her own rehab center, hired OJ’s lawyer, buys prescription drugs like she’s shopping for a car, and is really, really going to make some fun new friends when she gets to jail.

>>> Spencer Pratt wasn’t invited to The Hills’ farewell party, but showed up anyway. In a disguise. A bad disguise.

>>> Penelope Cruz got married. Cross her off your list.

>>> And finally Blake Lively’s boyfriend Penn Badgley is kind of a dick.

Sorry, folks, that’s all I’ve got. So since this was a horrifically slow week in the world of celebrity news I will try to make it up for now with a video of Marisa Miller half-naked for FHM (the accompanying photos can be seen here). You’re welcome…

>>> I believe I’ve found the person who really needs to be involved in fixing this whole Gulf oil spill thing: Katherine Heigl.

>>> Remember Chris Klein? Well, he gets this week’s award for driving under the influence. According to the police report, Klein ]]>

>>> I believe I’ve found the person who really needs to be involved in fixing this whole Gulf oil spill thing: Katherine Heigl.

>>> Remember Chris Klein? Well, he gets this week’s award for driving under the influence. According to the police report, Klein was “observed weaving from the #3 lane into the #2 and #4 lane westbound US 101 at Woodman Ave.” Eh, maybe it was just another audition gone bad.

>>> Speaking of drunk people with car issues, Charlie Sheen had another car stolen. The car was found at the bottom of a cliff after the actor left his keys in the ignition… again. For some reason, law enforcement in those parts is calling this “suspicious”.

>>> The Kardashians are putting out a book. The demand is just so great for people wanting to know how people with no discernible talent managed to become so rich and famous I guess. It has a really clever title too: Kardashian Konfidential. Excuse me while I go vomit uncontrollably.

>>> Speaking of people who have no business writing books, Holly Madison is reportedly penning a book about Las Vegas. For research, she took a wild road trip from LA to Sin City, with stops at “freaky roadside attractions,” she says, and a haunted hotel in Death Valley. Unless there are photos of her on every page in various forms of undress at all these locales she talks about I really don’t see the point.

>>> Apparently Gary Coleman didn’t really want the plug pulled according to legal documents he signed in 2006 that specifically stated that he not be taken off life support. I can just hear him now… “They pulled the plug!?! Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Jesus?!” Too soon?

>>> Miley Cyrus got another tattoo. She now has the word “love” tattooed into her right earlobe. If you have a daughter, might I suggest subtly removing all references to Hannah Montana from your house right about now.

>>> Tila Tequila apparently tried to commit suicide at some point, and sadly she failed, but she has photos to prove it!! Tila, next time you try to off yourself, give me a call, I think I can help.

>>> You didn’t think we could go a week without some news out of Lindsay Lohan’s brain, did you? Lindsay claims she has been vindicated regarding her SCRAM bracelet going off a week or so ago. Problem is, she is being selective in what report she is using for her “evidence”. One key line she may have missed: “There was absolutely no doubt that Lindsay was drinking, and the report that the alcohol monitoring service provided to Judge Revel was very detailed and extremely reliable.” Ruh roh.

At least Lindsay didn’t get into a fight with an ice cream store owner over a free cake this week… like her mom.

>>> And finally, Esquire readers voted Brooklyn Decker the sexiest woman in the world. I can live with that.

Sorry, folks. It was a REAL slow week in celebrity news. Let’s hope more celebs do stupid things next week. Odds of that happening are real good. Stay tuned.

>>> Mad Men’s January Jones not only did the walk of shame the other day, she also apparently had a bit of trouble keeping her car off of other cars (she may have been drunk), if you believe the fine ]]>

>>> Mad Men’s January Jones not only did the walk of shame the other day, she also apparently had a bit of trouble keeping her car off of other cars (she may have been drunk), if you believe the fine men and women of the LAPD, who said, January “was driving a Range Rover … when she allegedly lost control, hit the other cars and caused some major damage. We’re told a witness reported the accident to police and claimed that January fled on foot after saying, ‘I can’t deal with this commotion.’” Yes, I hate it when I cause a commotion and have to deal with the consequences. Such a pain.

>>> Let’s just get our weekly dose of Lilo out of the way right now. As you know Lindsay Lohan got hauled back into court this week because her SCRAM bracelet went off, meaning she consumed alcohol (there is no argument here). And sensing the chance to jump back into the spotlight Lindsay’s mom Dina decided to drop some “truth” on us saying, “[Lindsay] was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn’t have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.” Except that doesn’t make any sense.

There is a bright side to this story though: The courts, being the great protectors of society that they are, have decided that if Lindsay just can’t help herself and MUST have a drink, she can. And it will only cost her $10,000 a drink. I put Lindsay’s court date in bankruptcy court somewhere around August 1 of this year.

Oh yeah, one more thing, Lindsay is going to be on Celebrity Apprentice. That should be fun.

>>> Speaking of former teen superstars/train wrecks, Britney Spears is back in the news… for allegedly sexually harassing one of her bodyguards. It really never ends for Brit and Lilo, does it?

>>> And speaking of celebrities who no matter what they do just can’t seem to get themselves into jail, Charlie Sheen, who last week was concerned about not being able to smoke during his incarceration, has managed to delay his lockup even longer thanks to the jail’s administrative officer who thinks Charile shouldn’t be eligible for work release. So now the jailers are even trying to keep him out of jail, or in jail, or something…

>>> Remember Sarah Palin? Well, she’s back in the news for something I thought I would never see. People are now speculating that the former VP candidate has had some re-construction done on her upper floor. Says the folks over at Wonkette, “we can report with confidence that at least two people with experience in having breasts say that Sarah Palin sure looks like she was trotting out some new work at the horse races on Sunday.” Consider this your political update for the year on this site.

>>> In news that surprises no one, because in general people are insane, Kristen Stewart has a stalker. I say people are insane, not because someone is stalking a celebrity, but because they chose her. K-Stew is, of course, taking it very seriously, insisting that no crazy “will keep me from living my own life”. I’m not supposed to root for the stalker here, right?

>>> Remember a week or two ago when I reported that “The Big One” Khloe Kardashian was pregnant with Lamar Odom’s child? Well, it’s not true, proving that indeed there is a God.

>>> Our favorite psycho supermodel, Naomi Campbell, made news again this week, and yeah, it’s pretty much for what you’d figure it was for. Naomi allegedly refused to walk up some stairs because a lift was broken – on a promotional appearance to plug her own perfume, then walked out of the live television show, and now she is being sued. How much would you give to make Naomi work at McDonald’s or as a secretary for a week? There’s a reality show I would watch.

>>> Eva Longoria is being sued by the former managers and co-owners of her restaurant Beso. They basically claim she strongarmed them and accused them of stealing and punching a customer, but, of course, they want their jobs back. It’s Beso, after all!!

>>> I told myself I wouldn’t talk about this, but in an effort to make sure that 100% of the population knows just how truly stupid Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are (98% just won’t do!) here we go… Heidi filed for separation from Spencer. Oh no!! You mean they might have a fake divorce of their fake marriage some day?!! Idiots…

>>> In news that is sure to register not a blip on your excitement meter, one of the “Real Housewives” of something or another is releasing a sex tape. Someone named Danielle Staub is featured in it. Yeah, I have no clue who she is either.

>>> In news that will bring a smile to your face, someone stole Kanye West’s car… his $133,000 Porsche Panamera. But wait, it gets better… He got the car back, but not until someone crashed it into a multimillion-dollar house. See? I told you it would make you smile!

>>> Oh yeah, Lady Gaga went to a Mets game, flipped off the fans, and kissed a chick. Just another day in the life…

In news that is sure to blow your mind, Anna Paquin has revealed that she is bisexual. Not only that, she did it in an online video. Sorry, it’s not that kind of ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

In news that is sure to blow your mind, Anna Paquin has revealed that she is bisexual. Not only that, she did it in an online video. Sorry, it’s not that kind of video. But we have hope…

A week just can’t go by without some Lindsay Lohan news and this week is no different as LiLo was almost committed by the LAPD. As in committed to an insane asylum. Recently cops became so concerned they discussed taking her in for a 5150 evaluation. Frankly, I don’t see what all the concern is about. (Oh yeah, she also fell on her ass after a party… again.)

Although after the debacle that was Michael and Dina Lohan opening their mouths the other day I am a little worried about Lindsay. Rather than showing concern for their daughter the two of them pretty much just pointed out what scumbags they are. Although Dina did make it all seem ok with this line: “Lindsay is in good hands. Everything is fine.” Ummm… yeah…

At least she hasn’t had sex with 50 Cent (I think), because if she had, she’s have been doing it unprotected, as proclaimed he would do so if he could knock boots with Rihanna, Lady Gaga and Beyonce. Says Fitty, “I would marry Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Rihanna in Africa, I’d have 3 wives! And I would avoid wearing condoms and have really big families!” Okay, which one of those three names doesn’t quite fit?

Speaking of having unprotected sex, it seems that maybe Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian’s breakup may not have had as much to do with Reggie’s philandering as it did with Kim’s infamous sex tape with Ray-J. “Reggie’s mom just could not get over the fact that Kim had a sex tape. Reggie and his family are very conservative, and he told Kim that a marriage is never going to happen between them because of the tape.” Does that leave you as speechless as it does me?

And speaking of breaking up, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt broke up… or not. OK! magazine says that the Heidi has walked out on her husband after fewer than 18 months of marriage. However, People reports, “I’m not moving out,” Montag, 23, says. “I love Spencer with all my heart.” Adds Pratt, 26: “I love my wife more now than I ever thought I could.” In other words, who cares?!

Apparently Jesse James is closing on Tiger Woods faster than we envisioned as it is now being reported that he had 11 mistresses. One girl said Jesse would take her into his office and lock the door, while Sandra was in the garage. And oh yeah, he has a bunch of Nazi memorabilia. Nice catch, Sandy. Oh well, at least Jesse’s philandering got him out of a ticket. So he’s got that going for him. That and going to “rehab”.

At least Jesse James didn’t pay one of his ho’s $10 million as Tiger Woods is alleged to have done. Ho #1 Rachel Uchitel supposedly settled for somewhere in that neighborhood to keep her from holding a news conference spilling all the beans. She must know a LOT MORE than the other 452 chicks Tiger nailed (allegedly) for her to have made that much more bank than anyone else.

Never ones to shy away from getting attention, one of the Kardashian girls flashed the crowd from the balcony of her hotel room in Miami. Guess which one did it? Nope, not Kim. Nope, not Kourtney. Of course, it had to be Khloe, right? And it was. Her ‘husband’ Lamar Odom must have been so proud.

And in news that is sure to blow not your mind, Ricky Martin is officially gay. Next thing you know, we’ll be finding out that Barack Obama is really a black man.

Angelina Jolie was nailed by none other than Mick Jagger. In a new book called Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: The True Story, author Jenny Paul alleges that Angelina Jolie and Mick Jagger were getting it ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

Angelina Jolie was nailed by none other than Mick Jagger. In a new book called Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: The True Story, author Jenny Paul alleges that Angelina Jolie and Mick Jagger were getting it on while the rocker was still married to Jerry Hall. And then again six years later. So what does this do to Angie’s stock? Improve it or make you be like me and say, “Ewww…”?

Mickey Rourke recently told the UK’s Sun that he had sex with 14 women in one night. Says The Mick, “WAGs (wives and girlfriends of soccer stars) get an easy time. They should try living with Hollywood hell-raisers… British footballers have got nothing on us when it comes to women.” The guy just keeps getting better and better.

On the flip side of the coin, Gerard Butler says he ain’t gettin’ any. (Somehow I doubt that.) Gerard told Showbizspy.com: “I think I get laid less now than I used to, because I’m way more paranoid now — look at Tiger Woods!” In other words, he’s only hitting desperate Cougars like Jennifer Aniston these days, just to be safe.

Apparently Lindsay Lohan’s stupid lawsuit against E-Trade has her mother’s blessing. Shocking, I know. “They’re little babies doing this, mocking another child who’s just trying to survive Hollywood, basically,” said Dina Lohan. “I’m just basically glad I took a stand. I’m not going to let them do this to us anymore,” Dina Lohan said. “Everyone knows Lindsay, like Cher or Madonna.” Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Speaking of idiots, Lady Gaga refused to lift her veil and show her face during passport control at LAX landing her in a security room for 20 minutes. Is everyone as tired of this, how shall I put it (trying to be nice here)… moron as I am?

Demi Moore recently gave her potato head daughter Rumer some pole-dancing pointers at a party. One party-goer told Life & Style: “There was a pole at the bash, and Demi thought it would be fun to show everyone she still has what it takes. Demi even spun around the pole upside down.” Rumer, pole-dancing? I shudder at the mere thought.

Tom Cruise crashed his $72,000 Ducati motorcycle this week. Luckily Xenu was watching over him. According to two eyewitnesses who spoke to HollywoodLife.com, Tom crashed into a brown SUV, denting the SUV’s back tires, then five people helped Tom pick himself up and get the bike on its side. He then waited for paramedics but did not go with them. Next thing you know he’ll be denying he has sexual intercourse with a female. Of course, in his case, we’ll believe him.

Speaking of sexual intercourse… Zoe Saldana says that she loves sex. Good to know, right? Says Saldana, “S is for Sex. Love it, love it, love it… can’t live without it. I love sex. I love skin. I don’t believe the body is something to hide. I think in American society we’re messing up our kids by taking away the education on, and awareness of, our sexuality and replacing it with violence, guns and video games-and we’re breeding little criminals.” She should have stopped talking at “I love sex.”

Heidi Montag fired Spencer Pratt as her manager. Yes, the guy she is supposedly married to got fired by his ‘wife’. Pratt is being replaced with a Malibu-based psychic named Aiden Chase. I don’t make this stuff up, folks.

As everyone knows by now, Corey Haim died. What you may not have known is that he was dating Daisy de la Hoya at the time of his death. “I’m sooooooo devastated right now,” de la Hoya tweeted. “This is the worst day ever I can’t believe this.” Yeah, I don’t know why I am reporting this either.

And speaking of the dead… apparently the body of James Brown has disappeared. Says LaRhonda Pettit, James’ daughter, “My daddy’s body has disappeared. I have no clue where it was taken, but I need to know where.” Did the MC come out with the cape one last time?

File this under, go figure. Twilight’s Taylor Lautner may not be as ripped as the movie’s posters would like you to think. Photoshop, anyone?

After weeks of speculation, former Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien announced today that he will headline a two-month, 30-city tour that will kick off April 12. The tour is titled Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television. No word yet on whether Triumph will be his opening act.

And speaking of Conan, last week (I think it was last week) I gave you his Twitter account in case you wanted to follow him during his ‘hiatus’. Turns out he has (at least) eight accounts. Not bad for a guy who made fun of Twitter at one point along the way.