People invest a lot of time in their favorite television shows. They get wrapped up in the characters and the plot and soon they start gibbering about what happened like it actually went down in real life. This is because we are a culture of lunatics. And that’s why when a television show has a less than satisfactory ending, people go batshit crazy. They start ranting and raving about how they’ve been robbed of closure, like they were dumped in the middle of the night and abandoned by their spouse or something. I wish I could say I was above such things, but… well, here we are. I understand you crazy sons of bitches. I do. And that’s why I decided to create this list, in celebration both of our collective lunacy and the terrible, terrible finales of these nine shows. Some were bad because they were so horrifically clichéd that they became an absurd joke. Others were bad simply because they didn’t make any damn sense. While others sucked because they didn’t answer questions that had been promised for what felt like eons. Whatever their differences, the one thing these nine shows have in common is that their finales were the worst in television history. Enjoy.

9 ‘Dinosaurs’
Dinosaurs was an insane idea to begin with, like a studio exec got all coked up one night, watched some “TGIF” and decided that the only thing that could make it better was if there were dinosaurs involved. Which, admittedly, is always a pretty reasonable stance since dinosaurs are awesome, but not when they’re wearing people clothes and arguing about the weather, you know? That’s just weird. So I suppose it shouldn’t have been a surprise that the final episode of Dinosaurs was, well, really, really weird. I mean, here’s the episode synopsis: Earl, the dinosaur family patriarch, ensures the extinction of his entire race. Good times! I’m surprised they didn’t just go all the way and (spoiler alert!) show the family home getting blown to bits by a giant asteroid. I mean, I guess it’s admirable to not pull any punches when it comes to the fate of the dinosaurs, but I think you’ve already set historical accuracy aside once you put a giant overgrown lizard in flannel. I mean, couldn’t they at least have had the Sinclair family escape via some Land of the Lost style wormhole or something? See, I could totally be an ABC exec.

8 ‘Seinfeld’
Everyone hated the Seinfeld finale because they were expecting something more. Why you would expect more from a television show that describes itself as a show about nothing, I have no idea. But the weird trial of the Seinfeld Four isn’t why this finale ended up on this list. It’s on this list because it was basically a glorified clip show, a dumb excuse to go back through the vaults and show footage of actually entertaining episodes rather than come up with something interesting for the finale. Then again, maybe in some meta way that was the appropriate route to take. Maybe the only way a show about nothing could reasonably end was with a completely nonsensical episode that everyone hated. Or maybe people are right when they speculate that the gang actually died in a plane crash and their trial was actually a metaphor for their judgment in purgatory. Or maybe it was just a shitty series finale after all. I don’t know. My head hurts now. Leave me alone.

7 ‘Entourage’
The only thing missing from the about four years too late series finale of Entourage was a scene in which the boys all go down on each other while Mrs. Ari rolls her eyes and a parade of shitty guest stars parade by the camera and spout hilariously wooden dialogue. Oh wait… you mean that’s pretty much what actually happened? Well, okay then.

6 ‘The X-Files’
The truth is out there. Well, unless you’re a fan of this show. Or one of its producers. Or one of its writers. Or… you get the point. The truth is, is that no one involved with this show had one friggin’ clue about how to end it. Which is kind of a problem when your whole show is based around their being some dizzingly complex conspiracy with a mind-shattering answer at its core, you know? Instead of answers, what fans of The X-Files got was a show that dragged on well past its expiration date until finally its own stars weren’t even interested in hanging around to see how it all played out. And then, finally, when the end did mercifully come, those stars were dragged back to take part in some nonsensical crap about Mulder being put on trial for murder in some weird desert compound. I don’t know. I don’t really remember all of the details, which is kind of the point. What I do know is that nothing was really cleared up or solved, which left them enough room to create a movie follow-up almost a decade later that nobody saw. So, yeah, the truth is out there and the truth is that the series finale of The X-Files was, to put in purely scientific terms, a butt.

5 ‘Veronica Mars’
Veronica Mars was a show that was known for ridiculously entertaining season finales which always wrapped up the season’s mystery in a clear and satisfying way so it was reasonable to expect something great for the show’s series finale. Yeah, not so much. Instead of an exciting and entertaining episode which wrapped up the series in a way that would satisfy fans, the show’s bosses decide to go out on an episode built around a local sheriff’s race, which… come on. Yeah, I know it would have been sweet justice for fans to see Keith Mars finally get his job back but the show didn’t even bother letting us know who won! Furthermore, the show left the show’s central relationship, between Veronica and Logan, open-ended, which… okay, fine, I’ll stop now before I grow ovaries. Still, uh, things could have been done better. That’s all I’m saying. Wait, where’d my penis go?

4 ‘St. Elsewhere’
After several seasons of making its fans care about all the characters of St. Elsewhere, here’s how the show’s producers chose to end it: the whole thing was just the delusion of some autistic kid staring into a snow globe. Since then, this episode has become famous as the ultimate copout, made fun of almost universally for its faux-cleverness. Whoever thought of it clearly believed they had stumbled upon some genius idea, a radical twist that would make even M. Night Shyamalan’s O. Henry designed panties get moist with excitement. In reality, though, the whole thing just became the standard for the ultimate TV land copout, a stupid slap in the face that rendered the whole show meaningless. Well, more meaningless anyway. It’s not like a good finale would have somehow caused world peace. Let’s not get carried away here.

3 ‘Roseanne’
The series finale of Roseanne was basically a variant on the St. Elsewhere finale, a cop-out which essentially rendered the events of the entire last season – which, admittedly, was pretty bizarre – utterly meaningless. Instead of an autistic kid staring into a snow globe, though, Roseanne ended with the reveal that the whole thing was just a dumb book being written by Roseanne and, oh yeah, Dan was dead. Good times! The whole thing just felt like a delusional self-indulgent trip down idiot lane by Roseanne, like no one involved with the show had the guts to tell her that her ideas sucked and that nobody wanted to watch something like that. Then again, by the time it ended, nobody was watching. Also, thanks to writing this article, I had to Google Image search Roseanne and that resulted in me having to see Roseanne in lingerie on the cover of Vanity Fair. That was enough to move this up at least three or four spots on this list. Good Lord.

2 ‘Lost’
The series finale of Lost followed The X-Files method of promising answers and then revealing to the world that the writers and producers had no idea what the hell they were doing or where they were going the whole time. When the episode first aired, I remember convincing myself that it gave me at least a sense of closure, but in retrospect the whole thing was kind of a debacle, like the show runners had spent all their time carefully putting together a giant puzzle only to get desperate and then try to mash in one last piece that didn’t quite fit. Instead of answers, fans were just left with a million more questions. What was the island? That’s the one thing that fans wanted to know from the very beginning. And then the show ended and they were all told that it didn’t matter what the island was because what mattered was a bunch of treacly bullshit. People wanted to get answers to a mystery. What they got instead was Jack and the gang crying and laughing in some church together, having finally found redemption after all that time. Hey, good for them, but what about the rest of us?

1 ‘The Sopranos’
Everyone was excited to see how The Sopranos, that great American soap opera, would wrap things up. Would Tony make it out alive? Or would he finally get what was coming to him? The episode itself seemed to be going just fine and

You may be familiar with the A&E show Intervention, a show chronicling people’s journeys to get a loved one into rehab. It’s real, gritty, touching, and often depressing. Addiction is a serious problem, when presented in most situations. Unless it’s taken so far that it becomes hilarious.

7 Jessie Spano’s Caffeine Pill Addiction
Saved by the Bell’s Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) was feeling a bit overextended. You see, Zack had an uncle who was looking for a hot new girl band… somehow performing at local burger joint “The Max” would end with the girls of SBTB being the female New Kids on the Block (which, at the time, was not meant to be hilarious). Anyway Jessie is doing way too much… class, singing, buying leg-warmers, so she takes caffeine pills. This ends with a caffeine pill binge, Zack coming to save Jessie from herself and, of course, a stirring rendition of The Pointer Sisters’ hit “I’m So Excited”.

When you wake up one day in the gutter with a bottle of Jolt Cola by your side, then and only then will you know Jessie’s pains.

6 Aaron Henry’s Steroid Addiction
HBO wasn’t always a safe haven for well-acted, critically acclaimed drama. For categorical evidence, look no further than HBO series Lifestories: Families in Crisis. Let’s be honest… Ben Affleck, not so great of an actor. And when you combine his poor acting with heavy-handed afterschool special-ish TV, you get this gem about steroid addiction. Check out Ben Affleck’s roid rage from Body to Die For: The Aaron Henry Story.

Roid Rage is thrown around quite a bit by the media, often in sensationalist ways. But one needn’t look further than the grounded portrayal of steroid addiction painted above to understand the gravity of the problem. Particularly the smashing, woman punching, and floor humping involved.

5 Dylan McKay’s Alcohol Addiction
Beverly Hills 90210′s Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) was always the quintessential rebel with a heart of gold. Presumably gold due to all of the Goldschlager running through his veins. Dylan liked the drugs and, more importantly, the alcohol. In the clip below, he walks into a benefit and finds that Brandon (Jason Priestly) is dating his on-and-off girlfriend Kelly (whatsherface). If there’s a problem kicking your feet up on the table and drinking wine out of the bottle can’t solve, I haven’t seen it.

Fans of the show would be dismayed to find Dylan upon his return to the show casually drinking champagne with the rest of the 90210ers. Because alcoholics who went to rehab always like to hang out with some alcohol after achieving sobriety yet somehow avoid relapses. Truly a realistic depiction.

4 Demetrius “DH” Harris’ Crack Addiction
The ESPN show Playmakers was so gritty and real that the NFL demanded the show be removed if the network wanted to continue their partnership. And by gritty and real, I mean outlandishly far-fetched and borderline libelous to anyone who’s ever played Madden, let alone actually been a professional football player. Fans were treated to sensational story lines like domestic violence, murder, homosexuality (and subsequent discrimination) and, of course, the crack addiction of top running back Demetrius “DH” Harris (Omar Gooding).

Unfortunately there aren’t any clips to be found on the Internet of the show (damn you ESPN), but the gist is as follows: DH is addicted to crack, in spite of being an elite-caliber professional football running back (a position that requires you to be in fairly good health. Health typically not associated with crack addicts, if I’m not mistaken). During one episode, DH is trying to get off crack but finds himself unable. At halftime of a game, the team trainer tells DH he’s dehydrated but DH knows better. He calls his drug dealer who brings crack to the parking lot. However, as DH tries to get to his crack, he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. He then comes to and asks a teammate to buy his crack for him. The teammate does, then helps DH smoke his crack. Seconds later, DH is fine again and plays a great half of football. Crack: the performance enhancing drug the media doesn’t want you to know about.

3 Robbie the Dinosaur’s “Steroid” Addiction
Performance enhancement is a popular source of comical addiction as the second steroid-themed entry comes via ABC hit Dinosaurs. While the show was known for its lighthearted comedy in the form of the baby violently assaulting his father while screaming “Not the mama,” it strayed into serious tones when the teenage dinosaur, Robbie, tried steroids (or the dino equivalent, in the form of live, angry-looking Koosh balls).

The clip’s a little long, but basically Robbie takes steroids, gets huge overnight, rips a sink out of the wall, attacks his drug dealer, is a dick to his girlfriend, and ends up crying after a rampage. So basically, he’s like your dad, only with less whiskey involved.

2 Michael’s Marijuana Addiction
The 80s were a crazy time… did you know there was a slightly more competent Bush in the White House at one point? Well there was! And he had a lot of great ideas, including his anti-drug campaign which resulted in this. The story chronicles a kid named Michael and his rampant uses of the horrific drug marijuana. He steals money from his sister, takes beer from his father, and hangs out with a bad crowd… including an amorphous blob of marijuana smoke cleverly named “Smoke”. Fortunately, the horrific effects of marijuana have finally manifested a useful hallucination when a group of cartoon characters appear to Michael in a drug fueled haze.

If you’re feeling nostalgic, you can watch the full show here. The horror of seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks while stoned out of his mind somehow leads Michael pack to a path of righteousness instead of to a box of Yodels like it does with most people.

1 Alf’s Cat Addiction

The most absurd of all of the addictions above is arguably the most heartbreaking. Alf was an alien, so his standards of addiction varied a bit. But his obsession with eating cats was fairly evident throughout the show. Alf mentioned eating a cat in just about every episode, including mocking the funeral of family pet “Lucky” by saying that a funeral for the cat was asking to “holding a funeral for a hamburger”. While his Earth family didn’t exactly enable him (other than cat-sized rolls, as pictured above), they didn’t really do anything to deter him either.

So when Alf’s addiction to eating cats manifests itself, it’s a hilarious little punchline… but when I murder a cat and eat it, I’m “predisposed to be a serial killer”. Whatever.

Unfortunately, the “co-star” from Left 4 Dead 2 is not getting his own game, but you never know. Of all the game companies out there, Valve might have enough spare means to throw us a bone. Then again, they are somewhat behind on Portal 2 and maybe have other things on their mind.

At the very least, it’s not the wackiest game concept in the world. To be honest, when I first started seeing the clip above posted all over the place, another game instantly came to mind. One with even a crazier premise, yet that one’s still real and on track for an early April release. I’m talking about Dino D-Day of course, in which Nazis decided to even the odds against the Allies with tyrannosaurs rexes and the such…

This past summer, a widely read news story posed the question “How many dinosaurs could live in Central Park?” In the piece, scientists theorized that a parcel the size of Central Park might have fed several warmblooded adult sauropods, or perhaps 100 cold-blooded sauropods.

The headline grabbed the attention of Carl Mehling, who first thought the article was referencing something else — something near and dear to his heart.

But it wasn’t.

“I breathed a sigh of relief, because I’ve been in love with this story since I learned about it in high school,” Mehling told AOL News. “It’s part of my life. My dream. Now it’s time to try and make it real. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see dinosaurs in Central Park … right?”

Man Dreams of Bringing Dinosaurs to Central Park [AOL News]

Click for full-size

There is nothing worse than when you’re hanging out smoking some nice Purple Haze, contemplating getting far more Chinese food than any human being needs or should ever ingest, and then, out of nowhere, BAM you’re a dinosaur who controls the weather. And yes, that’s all well and good if you’re like this guy’s friend and it gets you laid, but if you’re turned into a dinosaur and aren’t good with the ladies, well, good look getting any sexual satisfaction. Have you seen a Tyrannosaurus Rex’s arms? Good look getting a jerk going with those worthless nubs. It would be like trying to have sex with those gymnast rings they swing from in the Olympics.

I don’t nearly see enough dinosaurs jerking off on the Internet. In fact, this probably could have been a whole episode of that old ABC show Dinosaurs. Just Robbie beating off to, I don’t know, some stegosaurus with big…stegs..and getting caught by the dad and then they have to have a talk and Robbie realizes that he doesn’t have to masturbate all the time just because he can do it now. This may very well have changed the entire course of my ejaculatory history as I was coming of age.

You can see a bunch more here. The gimmick: A drawing of a dinosaur f’ing a robot, usually combined with a motivational message or quote. I admire the abstract genius it takes to come up with this.

I think love is a beautiful thing. And I also think dinosaurs f’ing is a beautiful thing. Not because I like the science of it or anything, I just really had a thing for Charlene on ABC’s early 90s hit Dinosaurs. Oh you saucy little triceratops minx with your knit sweaters and saucy attitude. How were you related to all those T-rexes? Bet you don’t quite feel like you belong. Swing that fine tail over here and let’s talk about love.

[Update: You may also like this...Drawings of dragons f'ing cars. It certainly delivers what it promises.]

Tyrannosaurus rex just got a firm grip on the animal kingdom’s family tree, right next to chickens and ostriches.

New analyses of soft tissue from a T.rex leg bone re-confirm that birds are dinosaurs’ closest living relatives.

“We determined that T. rex, in fact, grouped with birds — ostrich and chicken — better than any other organism that we studied,” said researcher John Asara of Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and Harvard Medical School. “We also show that it groups better with birds than [with] modern reptiles, such as alligators and green anole lizards.”

When reached for comment, Tyrone Rex said, “F NAH YO.” All the dinosaurs I reach for comment tend to be ethnic.

I guess that while physiologically there are similarities (this may surprise you, but I’m not a scientist and am incapable of disproving these accusations), I’ve also never been terrified of a chicken eating me whole. Or tipping over an outhouse while I’m in it. Or was that a velociraptor. Or that spitting dinosaur. Man those things were pretty cool. I don’t even know if they really existed, but I remember when that one spat in Newman’s eye in Jurassic Park and I was like, “Wow. That is a dinosaur that you should respect.”

Anyway given these findings, T-Rexes sound delicious and I would like to eat one. Please serve one up to me stat, Kennedy Fried T-Rex.