9Lives Adventures is a group that helps disabled people achieve their action-sport based dreams. Cool cause. And in this clip, they help a paraplegic girl bungee jump in Whistler, British Columbia.

You know, if you cut out all of the context, it does kind ]]>

9Lives Adventures is a group that helps disabled people achieve their action-sport based dreams. Cool cause. And in this clip, they help a paraplegic girl bungee jump in Whistler, British Columbia.

You know, if you cut out all of the context, it does kind of look like we witnessed a murder of a poor woman in a wheelchair. See the GIF below.

Watch this video of a man in a wheelchair singlehandedly thwarting a robbery in a convenience store on closed circuit cameras and think a little harder the next time you park in that handicapped parking spot.

I’m so terrified of this disabled man that I won’t even comment on ]]>

Watch this video of a man in a wheelchair singlehandedly thwarting a robbery in a convenience store on closed circuit cameras and think a little harder the next time you park in that handicapped parking spot.

I’m so terrified of this disabled man that I won’t even comment on the fact that his fashion sense seems to be working about as well as his legs. Oh man, I still said it. I’m just glad you have to get up a step to get into my living room right now. Slight elevation: The wheelchair’s natural enemy.

Wheelchair Legend [Reddit]

Regardless of what the LIBERAL MEDIA wants, it’s your right as an American to buy and use a legal handgun without the man oppressing you…apparently, even if you’re a quadriplegic.

A New Jersey judge says a quadriplegic blocked from buying a gun to go hunting has the right ]]>

Regardless of what the LIBERAL MEDIA wants, it’s your right as an American to buy and use a legal handgun without the man oppressing you…apparently, even if you’re a quadriplegic.

A New Jersey judge says a quadriplegic blocked from buying a gun to go hunting has the right to bear arms even though he will have to use a wheelchair mount to use the firearm.

Manville’s police chief had rejected James Cap’s application last year, citing safety concerns. The borough attorney says the safety issues could only be resolved by a judge.

A judge ruled Tuesday that the 46-year-old is eligible for a firearms ID, which is required to buy a gun. The judge addressed the safety issues by requiring Cap to have qualified people assist him with weapons.

Cap was an avid hunter as a teenager. He was paralyzed 30 years ago after breaking his neck in a high school football game. He plans to mount the gun on his wheelchair and operate it with a breathing tube.

[NY Times]

I don’t cover nice things often enough here, but this is one. A guy in a wheelchair stopped a suspected child molester attempting to STEAL A LITTLE GIRL in a Wal-Mart. But Cameron Aulner doesn’t want to be called a hero. So good for you, Mr. Aulner, you’re my half-man, ]]>

I don’t cover nice things often enough here, but this is one. A guy in a wheelchair stopped a suspected child molester attempting to STEAL A LITTLE GIRL in a Wal-Mart. But Cameron Aulner doesn’t want to be called a hero. So good for you, Mr. Aulner, you’re my half-man, half-cyborg hero.

Cameron Aulner doesn’t think of himself as a hero. The wheelchair-bound Colorado resident says he just did what anyone else would do when he saved a little girl from a child molester right in the Walmart where he works.

Witnesses say a man sexually assaulted a young girl inside a Walmart in Westminster on Sept. 19, picked her up and then tried to flee the store, KDVR FOX 31 TV reported.

Aulner, 22, was working at the Comcast table in the front when he heard the commotion. He tackled the suspect, 34-year-old Kevin Salyers, before he could escape and held him until cops arrived, he said Tuesday in an interview with KDVR.

“It was something that happened so fast, I didn’t even think about it,” Aulner told the station. “I’m not a hero, I just did what you’re supposed to do.”

[Fox News]

Just sit back and enjoy what life is like to be Helen Keller.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that being blind and deaf doesn’t seem too desirable. But at least Helen Keller has carved out a cottage industry from it. Think about it, who ]]>

Just sit back and enjoy what life is like to be Helen Keller.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that being blind and deaf doesn’t seem too desirable. But at least Helen Keller has carved out a cottage industry from it. Think about it, who else is there whom you could use in a punchline for a joke about being deaf AND blind? Most other famous blind people, like Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles, were given outstanding auditory abilities to balance out their blindness. And other deaf people can, um, make hand gestures to replace coherent words. Boy, those deafies really get the shaft in comparison, eh? Other than the fact that you could f their ear and they’d be totally unaffected. Not sure if that qualifies as a perk, though.

I’m way behind on this meme apparently, but this video combines two of my favorite things: Disabled people getting hurt and a cat acting like a human. Watch it and experience the simple joys of life.

The only sad part is that falling like an escalator might have serious ]]>

I’m way behind on this meme apparently, but this video combines two of my favorite things: Disabled people getting hurt and a cat acting like a human. Watch it and experience the simple joys of life.

The only sad part is that falling like an escalator might have serious repercussions on that guy’s health. He may never regain function in his legs aga…oh right. Well then. Pride takes a while to heal too, you know.

In related news, binding a child’s arms and making them perform like Keyboard Cat…apparently much less socially acceptable.

UPDATE: I had to add this Keyboard Cat video too because it’s absolutely killing me. Best meme ever.

It’s easy to look at a newspaper and go, “Oh how silly people are.” So I will do just that.

The same crap happened to me once for a guy in a wheelchair. I waited extra long to help him out by holding the door open ]]>

It’s easy to look at a newspaper and go, “Oh how silly people are.” So I will do just that.

The same crap happened to me once for a guy in a wheelchair. I waited extra long to help him out by holding the door open so he drive through and he yelled at me. ME, the kindest soul you’ve ever known! He said, “I could have held it myself you know.” Ever since then, I’ve just assumed every person in a wheelchair was a cyborg and thrown them in a vat of lava like the end of Terminator 2. Why risk it, you know?

[i don't remember where i saw this]

I’m having kind of a rough day due to my usual Monday haze combined with the fact that I have a raring urge to kick something living in the groin, so seeing this inspirational guy in the video lifted me up. And amused me…he’s a funny guy. Who has no ]]>

I’m having kind of a rough day due to my usual Monday haze combined with the fact that I have a raring urge to kick something living in the groin, so seeing this inspirational guy in the video lifted me up. And amused me…he’s a funny guy. Who has no arms and legs.

I’m a pretty awful person so to make me go “awwww” like this made me audibly do means that either A) You’re an adorable kitty cat or B) You’re one hell of an awesome person. And this guy, apparently named Nick Vujicic, is pretty entertaining and a hell of a speaker.

However, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t point out that, no matter how inspirational he is, he’d be slightly less inspirational if you just picked him up and rolled him down a sprawling hill. Because then you’d be like, “Oh yeah…I guess he can’t do anything” including but not limited to stopping the rolling, surviving the rolling, or flipping dough like an old timey pizza maker. So as a reminder, though I’m not nearly as inspirational, I do have arms and I will throw you down a hill. Never forget that.

Whenever I see someone in a wheelchair I go, “AHHH GET AWAY CYBORG” because I’m easily confused. But now there’s another reason to run away…the risk of seeing their genitals.

The 20-year-old woman said she was dropping off a man at the apartment complex in the ]]>

Whenever I see someone in a wheelchair I go, “AHHH GET AWAY CYBORG” because I’m easily confused. But now there’s another reason to run away…the risk of seeing their genitals.

The 20-year-old woman said she was dropping off a man at the apartment complex in the 2800 block of Douglas Avenue about 1:15 a.m., on Wednesday.

The woman told police she saw the man in the wheelchair in the lot. She asked him where he was going and if she could give him a ride.

Police said in a report that the man told her it was none of her business where he was going.

He allegedly wheeled himself over to her car window, locked his wheelchair, lifted himself up on one leg and exposed himself to her.

He then thrust himself against the driver’s side window.

On the plus side, this is the most excitement this guy’s penis has had in years. Being the penis of a guy in a wheelchair probably makes you feel as useful as being Jessica Simpson’s treadmill. You just look around all day and feel depressed about your lot in life.

I can’t imagine that this guy pulling out his wang was the quickest process in the world though so what was this chick waiting for? At 1 in the morning, if I see some dude in a wheelchair I’m definitely going the opposite way, let alone if he slowly wheels over and props up his noodle legs while his pristine shoes dangle there. It’s pretty much your fault for not avoiding it. You might as well get sodomized by a sloth at that point.

[source]

Last night’s American Idol had a blind guy trying out. And he did well. But that’s pretty “who gives a crap” so check out how funny it is when Ryan Seacrest tries to high five him at the end of the clip.

Blind people are awesome. They’re often pretty ]]>

Last night’s American Idol had a blind guy trying out. And he did well. But that’s pretty “who gives a crap” so check out how funny it is when Ryan Seacrest tries to high five him at the end of the clip.

Blind people are awesome. They’re often pretty nice and you can also play games with them, like you say you’re going to help them across the street, but then you walk them halfway and direct them down the double yellow line. Then watch as they flail as they hopelessly try to avoid traffic. Or you can play this fun game where they’re the governor of your state and then admit to drug addictions and repeated adultery, which is hilarious because you just know he was probably snorting baking soda and having sex with mannequins.

Anyway how courageous this guy is blah blah.

Some crippled guy has been suing everyone whom you can sue for stuff like not being able to wash his hands in a rest room. Well, people aren’t so pleased.

A disabled man who claimed he couldn’t reach the soap or toilet-seat covers in a Garden Grove Del Taco had ]]>

Some crippled guy has been suing everyone whom you can sue for stuff like not being able to wash his hands in a rest room. Well, people aren’t so pleased.

A disabled man who claimed he couldn’t reach the soap or toilet-seat covers in a Garden Grove Del Taco had his case rejected by an Orange County Superior Court jury, a lawyer with the restaurant chain said.

The jury took 18 minutes to deliberate, according to a press release from the law firm representing Del Taco, Call, Jensen & Ferrell. According to the release, the jury was “outraged” at how frivolous the claim was.

Mundy conceded during the trial that he had, in the words of the press release, “filed nearly 200 lawsuits in recent months, earning over $60,000 in settlements in 2008 alone.”

Del Taco lawyers, in the defendant’s trial brief, said the allegations were “meritless and made by a professional plaintiff who intentionally and aggressively seeks out alleged ‘barriers,’ which he never truly encountered.”

[via]

Yes I like to keep a little more tact in my subjects but COME ON, fix this stomach crap already Tara Reid.

It breaks my heart. Not because I have any fondness for Tara Reid or whatever, but every time a blond with a decent face ]]>

Yes I like to keep a little more tact in my subjects but COME ON, fix this stomach crap already Tara Reid.

It breaks my heart. Not because I have any fondness for Tara Reid or whatever, but every time a blond with a decent face and large breasts waists her potential, I shed a tear. And an angel not only loses its wings, but it careens back down to Earth, splattering its little angel body all over the floor. You happy now Tara Reid? You happy?

And since it seems like Tara Reid’s problem areas are her ass and stomach, is it so wrong for me to wish that she’d get into a horrific, yet not disfiguring, accident that leaves her entirely paralyzed from the waist down? Because I’m pretty sure she’d be the hottest chick rolling around ever. Other than Barbie’s disabled friend Wheels or whatever the f her name was.

Now that sex-fiend Eliot Spitzer is retiring, we get to meet his replacement. Introducing David Paterson. He’s Black, he’s blind, and he’s ready for action!

Because the public schools in New York City could not guarantee him an education without placing him in ]]>

Now that sex-fiend Eliot Spitzer is retiring, we get to meet his replacement. Introducing David Paterson. He’s Black, he’s blind, and he’s ready for action!

Because the public schools in New York City could not guarantee him an education without placing him in special education classes, his parents bought a house in Hempstead, on Long Island, where he became the first legally disabled person to attend the district’s public schools. He did well enough to be admitted to Columbia University — he graduated in 1977 with a degree in history — and Hofstra Law School.

Call me crazy, but I think he’s the first blind Black dude to do a lot of stuff. All the other blind Black dudes I know play piano or are dead and played piano. So yeah, I get it, he’s unique.

His impaired vision has helped make him a good listener. Aides brief him by leaving lengthy voice mail messages. He memorizes his speeches.

That’s kind of impressive. And probably makes less work for him. All it takes is blindness for me to not ever read anything again? Seems like a pretty sweet deal! Uh, other than the whole never being able to see anything or anyone you care about. That’s a bit of a drawback.

“When I say I saw something, it’s more like I sensed it,” he said in a recent interview. “I think people’s perception of me sometimes is that I see more than I actually do.”

Well…then you didn’t see it at all, did you? You’re a liar! Didn’t we just learn from the last dude? Lying’s not good! Especially a lie like being a blind guy who says you saw something! That’s horsecrap!

He and his wife, the former Michelle Paige, have a son, Alex, 13, and Mrs. Paterson has a daughter, Ashley, 19, from a previous marriage.

This is probably the part I’m most impressed with. I feel like I’d have a great bit of difficulty getting laid if I were blind. Like both in principle and in execution. I’d end up f’ing a polar bear or some crap. And believe me, you do not want to f a polar bear.

Anyway I think he’ll do a good job. I mean, not at like the Governor’s Archery Conventions, where he’ll totally get SMOKED by Charlie Crist, but he’ll probably do well at stuff like sitting there. Just so long as he doesn’t have to sign stuff, because that could pose a problem.