Well, I’ve always said that if you’re going to commit an act of domestic violence, at least make it hilarious (O.J. Simpson never took my advice about throwing pies). North Carolina’s Lonnie Pinnix does have an eye for the silly, as police allege he shot his wife with toilet paper. ]]>

Well, I’ve always said that if you’re going to commit an act of domestic violence, at least make it hilarious (O.J. Simpson never took my advice about throwing pies). North Carolina’s Lonnie Pinnix does have an eye for the silly, as police allege he shot his wife with toilet paper.

According to UPI:

The Rockingham County Sheriff’s Office said Lonnie Irvin Pinnix, 38, loaded the pistol with toilet paper when his wife, Darlene Pinnix, 55, returned to their Reidsville home shortly after midnight Tuesday, WGHP-TV, High Point, N.C., reported Wednesday.

Investigators said the wife lay down on the bed and Lonnie Pinnix shot her in the back with the toilet paper ammunition when she refused his demands to get back up. Deputies said Darlene Pinnix was taken to a hospital to receive treatment for powder burns.

Police say Pinnix shot his wife because he wanted her to leave and she refused. So at least he handled such a minor situation with grace and aplomb.

When reached for comment, the Charmin Bear kicked his feet up on his desk, smoked a cigar, and said, “Sometimes, bitches have to learn their place.”

Police: Man shot wife with toilet paper [UPI]

TMZ is reporting that Jaleel White, best known for his emotional portrayal of Urkel on the gritty urban drama “Family Matters,” is under fire for domestic violence. The accusation? Domestic violence. According to TMZ’s report:

Sources familiar with the police report tell us … the alleged victim ]]>

TMZ is reporting that Jaleel White, best known for his emotional portrayal of Urkel on the gritty urban drama “Family Matters,” is under fire for domestic violence. The accusation? Domestic violence.

Urkel celebrating his dominance over silicone

Sources familiar with the police report tell us … the alleged victim claims White allegedly punched her in one of her breast implants while they were driving on Pacific Coast Highway two weeks ago, with an infant in the car. We’re told, she claims when they got home White allegedly slapped her, and pushed her into a toilet so hard it broke the tank.

Sources connected with White’s baby mama, Bridget Hardy, tell TMZ Hardy is in fact the alleged victim. We’re told she did not report any injuries.

The alleged victim filed a report with the LAPD Tuesday. The investigation is ongoing.

A rep for Jaleel tells TMZ, “There was absolutely no battery … no abuse … and the incident never happened.”

Pretty lame if this is a trumped up charge. In fairness, if you’re going to commit domestic violence, punching the mother of your children in her fake breast while you’re driving down the highway doesn’t seem like the best way to send your message. “What do you say a woman with two ruptured breast implants?” isn’t nearly as catchy of a set-up to a woman-beating joke.

Local police officer Carl Winslow was unavailable for comment.

‘Urkel’ Investigated for Allegedly Smacking Baby Mama [TMZ]

Some people have a hard time getting up in the morning and require the help of others, understandable. But you may want to keep that temper under control if the person forgets to wake you up, like this Tampa area man who allegedly punched his girlfriend in the face after ]]>

Some people have a hard time getting up in the morning and require the help of others, understandable. But you may want to keep that temper under control if the person forgets to wake you up, like this Tampa area man who allegedly punched his girlfriend in the face after she didn’t wake him up in time for, wait for it, turning himself in for domestic violence charges.

On Thursday morning, authorities say, [Drexel] Green was supposed to meet his bail bondsman to turn himself in on a warrant for violating his probation for domestic violence. His girlfriend — whom deputies say he attacked in December — didn’t wake him up in time Thursday, so he punched her in the face, according to the Pasco Sheriff’s Office.

Green, a 27-year-old unemployed man, then held his girlfriend on the ground and forced her into her own car, a report states. Green dumped his 26-year-old girlfriend at his friend’s house and took her car to see the bondsman, leaving his girlfriend stranded with a bleeding, swollen mouth, authorities say. Green denied the attack while interviewed in jail, the report states.

Well, on the plus side, he may very well be going to jail for a very long time on multiple domestic violence charges, so at least he got that one last punch in. It’s like being on death row and getting a last meal, only if your last meal was being an abusive d-ck. Perhaps not as tasty as chicken wings and corn fritters, but taste is a uniquely individual thing.

Aside, is there any absurd crime that doesn’t happen in Florida? It’s like whatever higher power you believe in is using the state as his own personal open mic, trying outlandish new material and seeing what sticks.

Man punched girlfriend for not waking him up in time, Pasco sheriff says [TampaBay.com]

Rihanna’s ABC News interview didn’t put lady-punching Chris Brown in a positive light. Fortunately, there are people brave enough to defend poor Chris Brown from these onslaughts. If you’re a fan of blaming the abused woman for domestic violence, you’ll love today’s QOTD!

Another sneak peek of Rihanna’s ]]>

Another sneak peek of Rihanna’s “20/20″ interview hit the internet today (Nov. 6), and finds the pop star speaking explicitly about the night ex-boyfriend Chris Brown assaulted her. The 20-year-old confirmed the rumor that it all began over an argument about a text message Brown had recieved, and things getting “ugly” at that point.

Following the preview of Rihanna’s interview on 20/20, Brown’s camp took to Twitter and accused Rihanna of lying and being a different person for the cameras. “I wish dancers can speak about things that really go on! Let me just say, Chris Brown was pushed to the extreme!” tweeted one of Brown’s dancers.

“Shame on Rihanna,” tweeted a Brown confidant, while another accused Rihanna of trying to drum up publicity for her new album, posting: “Riri just needs away 2. Get her career back up.”

[Billboard]

Hooray for gender equality! According to new statistics, women are committing as much domestic violence as men. Best part of this quote: How the female commissioner of the Department of Public Safety almost seems proud of women’s advancement in the field of husband beatings.

The latest data, supplied by ]]>

Hooray for gender equality! According to new statistics, women are committing as much domestic violence as men. Best part of this quote: How the female commissioner of the Department of Public Safety almost seems proud of women’s advancement in the field of husband beatings.

The latest data, supplied by the state Department of Public Safety, show that last year, police arrested 1,067 women for domestic assault. That’s up nearly 300 from 2003, representing an 8 percent increase.

Such arrests aren’t commonplace, but a trend is there, police say.

“When I started, you might see one a year,” said Somerset County Sheriff Barry DeLong, who has 36 years in law enforcement. “I think police officers are more attuned to it. In the past, it wasn’t even looked at. Domestic violence is for everybody now.”

“Ten years ago,” [Ann Jordan, commissioner of the Department of Public Safety] said, “many men would not come forward because of the stigma involved. And there’s an increase in the use of drugs and alcohol, on both sides. People who wouldn’t normally assault do so when they’re under the influence.”

While more men than women are arrested for assault involving firearms, 21 women were arrested in the state last year for using a knife or cutting instrument during an assault, compared to 20 men.

“But it doesn’t matter what the sex is,” Jordan said. “Assault is wrong.”

[Full story at The Morning Sentinel]

Via Explosm comes this comic about the dangers of spelling one’s coffee on an emotionally volatile man.

I always enjoyed how on The Honeymooners, Ralph would say that “Bang zoom, straight to the moon” thing and the audience would laugh and laugh. Just ]]>

Via Explosm comes this comic about the dangers of spelling one’s coffee on an emotionally volatile man.

I always enjoyed how on The Honeymooners, Ralph would say that “Bang zoom, straight to the moon” thing and the audience would laugh and laugh. Just to remove any ambiguities, he was saying he was going to uppercut punch her in the face and/or vagina so violently that she would take flight for thousands of miles before, presumably, burning up in the atmosphere where her charred corpse would then land on the moon. And people were like, “Oh man, that Ralph Kramden,” what a beloved TV character. But man, you try that crap in real life just once and, well, needless to say I won’t be making an appearance for that feminist organization again.

Domestic violence is no laughing matter. Unless it’s over the top and kind of absurd, like this ad in which the hot-but-usually-unlikeable Keira Knightley is “filming a scene” but then gets continually beaten up by her co-star.

I can’t say I’m a huge fan of domestic violence. I mean, ]]>

Domestic violence is no laughing matter. Unless it’s over the top and kind of absurd, like this ad in which the hot-but-usually-unlikeable Keira Knightley is “filming a scene” but then gets continually beaten up by her co-star.

I can’t say I’m a huge fan of domestic violence. I mean, unless dinner wasn’t ready or my pants weren’t properly pleated or the roof wasn’t adequately tarred and re-tiled. But since none of those situations seem to be in place, this is clearly unjustified and wrong.

It’s kind of odd to see a hot chick brutalized like that though. Hot chicks shouldn’t get punched. The only punch they should get should be served from a bowl, ladled out, and perhaps mixed with a little white pill if they’re being all stuck up and not putting out. Ah the simple joys of life.

[via]

I said yesterday that I was kind of over the whole Chris Brown and Rihanna thing. Well, I guess I can understand why Chris beat her now because she’s making me look like an asshole too by making me write about her again. Look at this tattoo she just got ]]>

I said yesterday that I was kind of over the whole Chris Brown and Rihanna thing. Well, I guess I can understand why Chris beat her now because she’s making me look like an asshole too by making me write about her again. Look at this tattoo she just got (ignore how awesome her boobs look too).

Now, while I’d be reluctant to ever advocate shooting a significant other (I mean, unless you had a gun and were really angry then, f it, what’d you buy it for? Pussy), but given the incidents of last month, wouldn’t a real gun have been the more logical purchase? Unless Chris Brown is half a retard and she can point that at him and go “pew pew!” to get him to run away. Then maybe. But otherwise, I don’t think it’d provide much actual protection.

I guess it’s true what they say though, if you hit a woman in the head hard enough…uh…well, she’ll definitely get a black eye. I guess it’s not a catchy expression, but it’s definitely something.

Below is not a tattoo that she actually got but that she was considering. Hood rat-y…yes. Yes it is.

Via Mad Magazine comes this Charlie Brown parody featuring Chris Brown and it may very well be my favorite Comic of the Day ever. What can I say? I’m a huge fan of domestic violence played for comedic effect.

I’m getting kind of tired of the ]]>

Via Mad Magazine comes this Charlie Brown parody featuring Chris Brown and it may very well be my favorite Comic of the Day ever. What can I say? I’m a huge fan of domestic violence played for comedic effect.

I’m getting kind of tired of the Chris Brown/Rihanna story. It’s just so obnoxious how I have to hear about every facet of their lives in the follow-up to him punching her in the face a bunch of times. Like I don’t care if Rihanna went shopping and didn’t wear sunglasses and what bearing that has on her taking Chris Brown back. If I could just get updates every time he beats her and bites her, that’d probably be enough. Even still, he’d probably have to top his last assault to make me interested in the next one. I’m not saying kill her, because that’s too extreme, but maybe take it to absurdist lengths. Like tying her to train tracks while twirling a handlebar mustache and going “Bwa ha ha.” Think outside the box.

So I think we can all pretty much accept that Chris Brown beat Rihanna pretty bad and isn’t a good guy right? So what’s the most formerly-totally-okay Chris Brown clip that’s now awkward to watch? My money is on this whimsical duet with Elmo.

I’m trying to see if ]]>

So I think we can all pretty much accept that Chris Brown beat Rihanna pretty bad and isn’t a good guy right? So what’s the most formerly-totally-okay Chris Brown clip that’s now awkward to watch? My money is on this whimsical duet with Elmo.

I’m trying to see if there’s anything else out there. But maybe you can find something better (ideally backstage footage of him beating Elmo violently and f’ing his unconscious body but I’m willing to compromise). So let’s play a game of can you top this. If you can find a Chris Brown clip of him doing something that’s more uncomfortable than this as a result of his recent domestic violence allegations, leave it in the comments.

The winner gets the prize of not having Chris Brown kick down your door and assault you with a sledgehammer.

When thinking about the worst reasons to get into a domestic violence spat, there are few that can quite measure up to arguing over when a public library’s hours. Yet here we are.

An all-day argument over the public library’s operating hours turned violent Saturday when a Willis Street man ]]>

When thinking about the worst reasons to get into a domestic violence spat, there are few that can quite measure up to arguing over when a public library’s hours. Yet here we are.

An all-day argument over the public library’s operating hours turned violent Saturday when a Willis Street man struck his live-in girlfriend and forbade her from leaving their home, police said.

Gildazio Costa, 54, of 26 Willis St., Apt. 2, faces charges of domestic assault and battery, threats, kidnapping and forced confinement after he repeatedly struck his girlfriend Saturday evening, police said.

When the woman couldn’t find her cell phone to call police, she tried to leave, the lieutenant said. Costa then blocked her way and told her she couldn’t leave, Shastany said.

“If she attempted to leave, he’d punch her in the face,” Shastany said the victim later told police.

[via]

Typically, domestic violence doesn’t make for the best comedy. But when it involves penis sniffing, it takes on a bit of a slapstick turn.

Police are seeking an arrest warrant for a man accused of hitting his wife after she asked to smell his penis to ]]>

Typically, domestic violence doesn’t make for the best comedy. But when it involves penis sniffing, it takes on a bit of a slapstick turn.

Police are seeking an arrest warrant for a man accused of hitting his wife after she asked to smell his penis to determine whether he was cheating with another woman, according to a police report released Wednesday.

The 37-year-old victim told investigators her husband of three years punched her face and kicked her arms and legs Monday night after she accused him of having an affair.

The victim said she told her 25-year-old husband as he used the restroom “to display his penis to her so that she can smell it,” the report states.

She said she asked him to show his genital area so she could determine whether he was cheating with another woman.

As she went to sniff her husband’s penis, he reportedly punched her mouth and started to kick her when she was on the floor. The husband then fled the scene.

This is just a silly story. I mean, not in a lighthearted fun way, but there’s just some serious mistakes made by the parties involved. The way to handle this is to ALWAYS sniff your partner’s genitals, nice and slow. This way, when you suspect them of cheating, it won’t be out of the ordinary that you’re sniffing their crotch like a basset hound. And you can detect all sorts of wonderful flavors stewing about in that cesspool that is your loved one’s crotch. It’s called foresight, people.

[source]

It’s always a sucky feeling when you try to do something nice for someone and it ends up failing spectacularly…see: what happened to the Holmes family and their trip to Disney World.

When Tracy Holmes of Belleville sold three DVDs for $10 at ]]>

It’s always a sucky feeling when you try to do something nice for someone and it ends up failing spectacularly…see: what happened to the Holmes family and their trip to Disney World.

When Tracy Holmes of Belleville sold three DVDs for $10 at her garage sale Aug. 15, she thought she was doing well. She was getting rid of some movies that she and her husband hadn’t watched in a long time and making a little money as well.

About a week later, when her husband, Fred Holmes, asked her what had happened to the DVD of “Sin City,” she suddenly felt sick.

Her husband had been secretly saving up money, at least $1,200 so far, for a Christmas family trip to Disney World in Florida for the couple and their three children, Nick, 11, Trevor, 7, and Isabella, 2.

“He thought apparently (the DVD case) was a great spot to hide it from me, and it was,” Holmes said. “I didn’t think to look there.”

“My kids are pretty upset about the whole thing, and I feel just heartsick,” Tracy Holmes said. “It’s always been a dream of mine to go to Disney World at Christmas.”

Well I know banks are going through problems right now but I hardly think the DVD industry should be considered as an alternative for your savings.

That’s a really heartwrenching story though. You know what else is pretty heartwrenching? I’ve got these five passes to a first-class trip to Disney World and no one to use it on. Say…waitaminute…

*lights fire

I am slightly warmer now! Thanks cavemen for bringing the wonderful gift of fire to us all!