I don’t start fights, I merely travel the world preaching about the merits of the ancient martial arts until trouble finds me, since someone has to do it due to David Carradine’s untimely masturbatory passing. And here’s why you don’t go around looking for fights.

Here’s a life lesson ]]>

I don’t start fights, I merely travel the world preaching about the merits of the ancient martial arts until trouble finds me, since someone has to do it due to David Carradine’s untimely masturbatory passing. And here’s why you don’t go around looking for fights.

Here’s a life lesson for you: Men, women, it doesn’t matter…if there’s a guy you know who isn’t wearing a shirt outdoors and he’s not at the beach or a swimming pool, there’s probably no good that will come from you hanging out with him. In fact, I don’t know of any grander sign of douchebaggery than not wearing a shirt in places in which typically wear a shirt, though tribal tattoos and obscenely spiked hair are close seconds. And if you’re a guy who does this yourself, well, I’m sorry. Not about my assessment, because that is totally spot on, but I’m sorry that society has failed you. But maybe you should try harder.

Some kid who kind of looks like a douchebag took a bow and blew a kiss during his high school graduation ceremony. The school didn’t respond well, sending him back to his seat and denying him his diploma.

Before the school began handing out diplomas, some students ]]>

Some kid who kind of looks like a douchebag took a bow and blew a kiss during his high school graduation ceremony. The school didn’t respond well, sending him back to his seat and denying him his diploma.

Before the school began handing out diplomas, some students pulled out beach balls. One student was forced to sit away from his classmates with staff while police escorted another student behind the stage.

“No arrests were made. The individual that was escorted off the stage was asked to leave the civic center. He was to the point where the deputy wanted to arrest the individual, but gave him several opportunities to settle down. Eventually, he took off his cap and gown and threw it at the deputy and walked out of the civic center,” Cumberland County Sheriff’s Department Deputy Chief Kevin Joyce said.

The deputy returned to the crowd and took another beach ball away from the students, but Mary Denney said School Area District 6 Superintendent Suzanne Lukas was still upset.

“When she got up there and started speaking, they threw out a couple more balls and she turned around and said, ‘More people may not be graduating today if this continues,’” Mary Denney said.

While in his seat or waiting in line for his diploma, Justin Denney never touched a beach ball. After his name was called, he took a bow, blew a kiss to his family and pointed to friends, but he didn’t get his diploma, leaving a whole family in disbelief.

“I said, ‘What did she ask you?’ And, he goes, ‘She said, ‘There’s no fooling around up here,” and he just kind of looked at her because he wasn’t fooling around. He didn’t consider that fooling around or misbehaving in any sense of the word, and she goes, ‘Why do you feel you deserve your diploma?’ He goes, ‘Because I worked hard and I earned it,’ and she goes, ‘No go take your seat,’” Mary Denney said.

[via]

I saw this the other day and was like, “Fuck that dude,” but I’m still seeing the clip and the Internet gods have nothing interesting for me right now, so here’s this asshole being “creative” for Southwest Airlines.

Yes it’s adorable and all that Southwest likes to tout how ]]>

I saw this the other day and was like, “Fuck that dude,” but I’m still seeing the clip and the Internet gods have nothing interesting for me right now, so here’s this asshole being “creative” for Southwest Airlines.

Yes it’s adorable and all that Southwest likes to tout how unique it is (“Want to be crammed in a smaller-than-average seat next to a fat woman and her screaming crapty child to save $100? Fly with us!”) but let’s cut the crap. There’s no real reason to ever force a plane full of awkward white people to stomp and clap a hip hop beat. It’s just embarrassing for all involved parties. The only way this would be enjoyable to me is if he freestyled as the plane crashed back down to Earth.

I’m MC McFly, yeah that’s my name
Got some bad news, we’re goin’ down in flames
So in retrospect just let me say
That maybe you should have traveled another way
But on the plus side I can bust an ill rhyme
And now we’re losing oxygen in record time
So tuck your head in your knees and kiss your ass goodbye
PS there was probably feces in your chicken cacciatore

*crosses arms over chest with a certain degree of Fresh-ness

High school is a great time in a man’s life, especially today when the girls are easy and still require about as much romantic effort as I require to pleasure myself (basically just kind of being there and not causing hemorrhaging). But this kid is ruining it for everyone with ]]>

High school is a great time in a man’s life, especially today when the girls are easy and still require about as much romantic effort as I require to pleasure myself (basically just kind of being there and not causing hemorrhaging). But this kid is ruining it for everyone with his unnecessary teenage romantic efforts.

As students streamed out of Allentown’s Central Catholic High School at dismissal today, girls shrieked and giggled when they spotted Emmaus High School junior Zach Heffelfinger. He was holding a dozen roses in each hand.

In between was a huge, hand-made sign: “Adriana Nikles, will you go to the prom with me?”

By the time the object of his affection stepped out of the door, a contingent of grinning students were milling around 17-year-old Zach.

One look at the sign, and all sophomore Adriana could do was throw her arms around Zach’s neck and say “Yes, I will.” Zach’s romantic surprise began earlier in the day when he got Adriana’s friends to plant puzzle pieces around the school fit to form the word “PROM?”

Sixteen-year-old Adriana got the first puzzle piece in Spanish class and found the second one in her locker. Pieces appeared in her classes throughout the day.

“I knew it had to be him,” she said.

This is unbelievable. It’s like providing a plate, salad forks, and seven types of well-aged wine to eat a dinner of Chicken McNuggets and chewed bubblegum. But of course, this one-upping asshole is doing even more next year.

As the couple started discussing plans for the Emmaus prom on May 2, Zach warned, “Wait until the senior prom, it’s going to be even bigger than this, maybe a parade or circus.”

“Oh my God!” said Adriana.

I can’t wait for him to get his stupid little heart broken when she inevitably sucks off the first frat guy she meets. There comes an important crossroads in every man’s life where he can continue to be idealistic about love and want to do amazing things for every woman or come to the logical realization that women typically only deserve a croissantwich and a walk to the bus station.

[source]

In college, I never cared about anything other than finger banging girls with odd letter-looking things on their sweatshirts or beer pong, so I really hate protesters always doing protester-y things. But now the protesters at NYU are being protested in annoyingly ironic ways SO I DON’T KNOW WHO TO ]]>

In college, I never cared about anything other than finger banging girls with odd letter-looking things on their sweatshirts or beer pong, so I really hate protesters always doing protester-y things. But now the protesters at NYU are being protested in annoyingly ironic ways SO I DON’T KNOW WHO TO ROOT FOR HERE.

I guess my main problem is that I hate college kids and their stupid passion for all sorts of dumb crap. But then I also hate hipster kids trying too hard to be subversive (though the idea of protesting protesters is a funny one if done properly). So I guess the point is that I kind of hate everyone.

That rationale is why I never got my sitcom off the ground. In it, I owned a bakery and lived next door to a precocious little kid. We’d get in all sorts of madcap situations like making cupcakes, but he’d mess it up and I’d be like, “You messed up the cupcakes Danny!!!!” while a “womp wompppp” trumpet played and at the end of each episode we’d each learn a lesson about friendship. Or there’d be an Amber Alert called on me. Either way, it’d be a real scream.

[more pics here]

Via Flickr comes this very telling image that illustrates how much tourists suck at life.

It may shock you to learn that these tourists were not actually supporting the leaning tower of Pisa with their bare hands based upon the pictures that they ]]>

Via Flickr comes this very telling image that illustrates how much tourists suck at life.

It may shock you to learn that these tourists were not actually supporting the leaning tower of Pisa with their bare hands based upon the pictures that they showed you. I know it’s hard to believe. It’s not the first time a tourist has conned me though. They come into the country acting all lost and confused and asking for directions and then all of a sudden they find themselves forcing an ether-soaked rag into my hand and coercing me to drag them to a hotel room bathtub begging me to liberate their kidneys from them for sale on the black market. Yeah, tourists can certainly be tricky and profitable. Mostly tricky.

In related news, the Washington Monument is also not your friend’s penis, no matter how many cleverly constructed photos from DC your friend showed you. Additionally, if his penis did look like a white stone building, he may have a very serious condition or be a Stone Man like the Thing from the Fantastic Four. In which case, you should probably sell him to a freak show. In fact, you should probably do that anyway, just to be safe. That’s what friends are for.