Guyism » Drugs

Blazed Movie Reviews: Moonrise Kingdom

K. Thor Jensen — Fri, 25 May 2012 18:00:52 +0000

I can’t smoke pot at home anymore because I have kids and they like to ask about funny smells. So I do it at the movies. This week: the new twee confection from Wes Anderson, Moonrise Kingdom.

I kind of feel weird about Wes Anderson, like he might be a pedophile or have something else that’s sexually wrong with him or something. It’s like Tim Burton where I didn’t start feeling that way but after a bunch of movies this impression started to get made and now I can’t shake it. Go look at a picture of him real quick and then think about him having sex. You didn’t think of a normal position, did you?

So Moonrise Kingdom. It’s set in the mid-60s, but of course it’s a sort of pretend mid-60s to let Wes Anderson use all of his favorite music and cultural stuff. Two pre-teens run away from home on the island of “New Penzance” (doesn’t exist, I Wikipedia’d it) to explore young love away from their a-hole parents. Which is cool, but because this is Wes Anderson there’s no awkward fingerbanging or other stuff that real people did at that age, just tracking shots and quirky supporting characters.

I mean, I know this is dumb to expect people in a Wes Anderson movie to act “real” but this is some Chronicles of Narnia steez he’s on here. I think my favorite Wes Anderson movie is Fantastic Mr. Fox because we don’t expect those animals to act like people so there’s no disjunct when they don’t. But a lot of the time it’s like he’s moving paper puppets around a dollhouse or something. I guess that’s what all directors do, right? I mean, that’s their job? But with this guy… I dunno.

I mean, this movie is fun. It’s cute. Girls will probably get turned on by it because they think that being twelve and in love was awesome. Hint: it’s not awesome for dudes. Dudes don’t know what the F is going on when they’re twelve except for the fact that they’re starting to get boners and boners FREAK US OUT. But since girls mature faster they’re all like “Hmm, these boys are acting weird and I read in a Babysitter’s Club book about ‘going steady,’ let’s see what this does…” and I dunno. I just…

I mean, this is a good movie. Maybe I’m just bringing too much baggage to it. It’s better than Life Aquatic for sure. It’s beautifully filmed. Bruce Willis is really good. He’s a really good crusty old man and I hope he keeps playing crusty old men forever. Edward Norton is also really good but he’s always awesome. He kind of sucked as the Hulk but that wasn’t his fault. I think the Hulk is also about being scared to get a boner? In the business, we call that “wrapping it into the theme.”

What else? If you like Wes Anderson movies you’ll like this movie. If you don’t, you won’t. Basically that’s every review of every Wes Anderson movie ever. Fire every critic. Why do they even need to do this job?

Disclaimer: I fixed all the grammar mistakes and typos but left in everything else.

This new Taz Arnold song is totally getting you laid

Katie Nolan — Fri, 25 May 2012 12:30:08 +0000

Have you ever dreamed of a world in which the mundane sentences that run through your mind when you see a pretty girl at a bar (“I want to f-ck you, cuz your face is so nice“) could be celebrated in musical form? Do you need something glittery to fill the hole in your heart Ziggy Stardust left behind? Do you like drugs? Oh man, do I have just the thing for you!

It’s almost time to start making those summertime mix CDs that no one makes anymore, and this banger from Taz Arnold called “Freaky Bitch” just screams prerequisite. Perfect for any occasion in which you actively seek out sexual activity with freaky bitches, which means it’s perfect for every occasion. Hop in your whip, turn this shit up, roll down your windows, and then be prepared to roll your windows back up again because girls are going to be hurling their vaginas at your vehicle. Basically this jam is your one-way ticket to pantyville, so grab some lube and enough ecstasy to last until you can arrange your own means of transportation home, and thank me later.

[Disclaimer: It's possible I'm wrong about the sexual effectiveness of this joint because I'm tripping absolute balls right now, but I really don't think I am. It's just SO GOOD. And it makes everything smell sparkly. Are my eyes bleeding?]

Taz Arnold is a freaky bitch [VICE]

Blazed Movie Reviews: Battleship

K. Thor Jensen — Fri, 18 May 2012 18:00:28 +0000

I can’t smoke pot at home anymore because I have kids. So I do it at the movies.

There was really no other choice for a new movie to see while stoned this week but Battleship. What To Expect When You’re Expecting would send me into a K-hole and if I saw Hysteria (the Maggie Gyllenhaal flick about vibrators) I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing. So here we are with Universal’s long-delayed nightmare based on a board game that literally no one was asking for.

Seriously, ask yourself this: has a single person that you talk to on a regular basis said to you “Man, I can’t wait to see Battleship?” I mean, unless you hang out with super-obsessive Rihanna fans or something, in which case you have your own problems. No. Nobody wanted this movie to come out. Even Universal delayed it for almost a year. I read a pretty funny thing on my phone that said that they made this movie in order to avoid a $5 million penalty that was in the contract with Hasbro if they optioned a property and didn’t make it into a movie. So they spent $200 million on this total flop to avoid spending $5 million. No wonder this country’s so messed up. We can’t even do math anymore.

Oh, right, the movie: it’s dumb. Super, super dumb. As dumb as you’d expect a movie based on a board game to be, if not dumber. Here’s what happens: aliens invade for some damn reason, but they only send five ships, maybe because they realize that a society that would spend $200 million on a movie based on a board game is so dumb that they could beat us with that. And then things get really stupid.

Okay so here’s why it’s like the game – when the aliens land around Hawaii they put up a force field that’s a perfect square! For… some reason. And then their missiles look just like the pegs from the game. I literally couldn’t stop laughing in the theater the first time I saw one. Everything about this movie is so dumb. Even the explosions are dumb. Rihanna is a horrible actress by the way in case you were wondering. All she does is yell “It’s a hit!” when we hit an alien with a missile.

This movie is just so stupid. There’s a whole thing at the beginning of the movie about stealing a microwave burrito that is supposed to be funny or something but it just made me want a microwave burrito. The thing is, I don’t have a microwave at home so when I want a microwave burrito I have to wrap it in foil and cook it in the oven instead. Do you know how long that takes? Read the package sometime: forty-five minutes. I could make a real burrito in that time, or watch half of Battleship. But why would I do that?

Aliens in movies are always dumb. The only smart aliens were in Independence Day: blow up the White House first thing. Go full Osama on that bitch. The aliens in Battleship just splash into the Pacific Ocean and… hang out. They’re barely even threatening. What are they going to do, steal all of our pineapples? Stop us from filming another season of Lost? Actually that would suck, die aliens. Die Rihanna. Die Peter Berg. Die everyone.

Disclaimer: I fixed all my typos and grammar mistakes but left in all the other dumb stuff I said.

Nick Stahl missing, presumed on a bunch of drugs

K. Thor Jensen — Wed, 16 May 2012 19:45:10 +0000

I guess once you’ve been in a Terminator movie, it’s all downhill from there. TMZ is reporting that Nick Stahl, who got his first acting break alongside Mel Gibson in The Man Without A Face and went on to greater stardom in Sin City, Terminator 3 and HBO series Carnivale, has been reported missing by wife Rose Murphy. Murphy and Stahl separated earlier this year and it seems to have sent the actor spiraling into depression and poor life choices, with reports that he’s been hanging out down on Skid Row (yes, that is a real place). Stahl hasn’t been seen since May 9th – a solid seven days ago. His wife fears that he’s begun abusing drugs, which nobody does in Hollywood. If you’re in the City of Angels, why not put on your Sherlock cap and go hunting for him? Clean him up, buy him a coffee. Do something good in the world for a change.

Counting down the best of Guyism Speed Round – #4 all-time

Chris Spags — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:00:31 +0000

Our precocious little Katie Nolan is on vacation this week so we’re digging into our YouTube account to find the most popular Speed Round videos of all-time. Coming in at #4 is this one from pot-smoking day 4/20. Watch it again or for the first time!

Make sure to subscribe on YouTube so you’ll get Katie’s newest video when she returns next week. And keep your eyes peeled here this week while we count down to #1.

Arrested man had a ‘meth lab in his pants’

Chris Spags — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 14:03:09 +0000

An Oklahoma man named David Williams was a passenger in a car that got pulled over. After a brief struggle with state troopers, it was determined there was a “meth lab in his pants.”.

So we’re all in agreement that a “meth lab in your pants” will henceforth be the white trash equivalent of a “party in your pants” with the added bonus of making us all think of the upcoming season of Breaking Bad? Done and done.

Blazed Movie Reviews: The Avengers

K. Thor Jensen — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 23:47:45 +0000

I have kids so I can’t smoke weed at home anymore. So I do it at the movies.

Let’s be honest with each other: The Avengers is just about the perfect movie to see high. There are two kinds of comic book movies: the ones that try to pretend that comic books are Serious Artistic Business and should be all realistic like The Dark Knight, which are cool but not very fun to see high. Looking at a dude with half his face melted off can really put you in a bad place. And then there’s the other kind where it’s all colorful dudes in their underwear hitting each other so hard. Avengers is the second kind.

There’s basically two parts to this movie: the first part, where all the Avengers fight each other, and the second part where they team up to fight Loki and his alien minions. This is basically the same structure of all 150 issues of Marvel Team-Up (1972-1985). And it’s cool. The Hulk is the coolest part, though, because his whole deal is fighting other guys. Both of the Hulk movies were pretty bad, especially the Ang Lee one where he fought his dad who was also a tornado or something, so it’s fair to say that The Avengers is the best Hulk movie ever made.

Captain America is also way better in this movie than he was in his own movie, just because he actually has other personalities to play off of. Hawkeye is sort of a non-entity but that’s not a big deal because he kind of sucks. Anybody can shoot an arrow. Iron Man is awesome but I’m sick of him learning about how to be responsible. Scarly Jo is hot and she bonks a dude… on the head. That one guy dies. Thor is also way better than he was in his own movie but that movie also stunk a bit.

The biggest problem I have with this whole mess is that the plot macguffin superpowerful energy source thing is obviously the Cosmic Cube but for some dumb reason they call it the “Tesseract.” Dudes, the Cosmic Cube is an awesome thing and calling it by the dumb name of the thing from A Wrinkle In Time is a punk move. Jack Kirby was the ultimate stoner cartoonist, knocking out crazy ideas every month like it was nothing. They need to just go nuts with his crap, like Devil Dinosaur and the Eternals and that weird Nazi guy with a giant face on his stomach. That’s the kind of superhero movie I want to see. Especially high.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos but left in any other stupid stuff.

How to mow the lawn on PCP is a helpful how-to

Chris Spags — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 18:00:58 +0000

PCP isn’t just for being hazed by Denzel Washington in movies any more. The fine folks at Humordy put together this somewhat NSFW guide on mowing your lawn while on angel dust. You’ll learn a lot.

Dubstep does wonders for a video game about farming

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 14:03:32 +0000

Dubstep is all the rage these days, hence why advertisers are using it to promote everything, including video games. Often its use is abysmally poor, but sometimes it fits like a glove, as in the case of Farming Simulator 2011, a video game about farming.

Not to sound like some hipster douche sipping some Four Loko tinged Kool-Aid, but I actually like dubstep when it’s used in an ironic fashion. And applying it random game footage is actually a thing these days.

My previous favorite was a clip featuring Peggle, but the one above is my new jam. Bonus points for all the drug and political references, plus the Deus Ex gag.

Guy steals xBox and Wii for drug money, replaces them with his PS3

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 14:00:14 +0000

Rarely does drug addiction ever equal smarts, but I know a few cokeheads who, upon hearing about some dude stealing his friend’s video game consoles to feed his Xanax habit, and replacing them with his own console, who would go “umm, what?”

The story, which Kotaku recently highlight, goes something like this: 18 year old Nickolas Charo had his Xbox 360, Wii, some games, and some controllers… plus a GPS unit and $250 in cash… stolen by a friend, 19 year old Joshua Beck.

But Beck was at least nice enough to leave their place his very own PlayStation 3. Huh? So the Microsoft and Nintendo console will fetch easy money on the streets, but not the Sony system? That makes no damn sense.

Unless Beck was super attached to his PS3, hence why he couldn’t bare to part with it, so he figured it would be in good hands with his pal Charo, whom he had also robbed. Which is especially messed up.

VIDEO: Nina had her wisdom teeth removed, is all messed up

Chris Spags — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 19:30:46 +0000

Ever wonder what ‘David after the Dentist’ would look like if he were a pretty (and possibly underage) blonde girl? Your ~~creepy masturbatory fantasies~~ dreams are now a reality! In this clip, a girl named Nina had her wisdom teeth removed and is being filmed all hopped up on painkillers. She can’t comprehend what gauze is.

So she’s funny, drugged up, and completely unable to understand the gravity of what’s going on? People throw the word “perfect woman” around too often but — dare I say — my heart just skipped a beat.

Man arrested for allegedly smoking medicinal weed on flight

Chris Spags — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 17:15:03 +0000

Medicinal marijuana is a hot button issue in this country. You can debate the pros and cons of legalizing it all day (mostly pros). But if there’s one thing that’s probably not a good idea, it’s smoking pot on a cross-country flight, like this guy.

If that were pot, this dude would look way more relaxed.

Police say that 43-year-old Adam Blumenkranz arose the suspicions of the crew on Flight 510 from Fort Lauderdale to Newark when he dropped a clear baggy in the cabin of the airplane.

As the plane was about to land in Newark, Blumenkranz excused himself to the bathroom. After emerging, crew members say that a strong smell of pot flew threw the cabin.

Blumenkranz was arrested for possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia by airport police upon arrival.

Airport police said that Blumerkranz, a Los Angeles resident, had a license for medicinal marijuana but that, for obvious reasons, it didn’t apply here.

Let’s put aside that this guy is an idiot for a second (you can no longer legally smoke cigarettes on a plane but for some reason, Blumenkranz thought pot would be totally cool? Smart). But how dumb is it to arrest this guy after he landed? It’s not like he deserves the punishment at this point for a drug charge since he did something that was legal in his home state. And he already got high.

One count of being a douchebag for thinking this was a good idea would suffice. Then again, he probably realized that he was minutes from being near a Cinnabon. No one should be subjected to that culinary experience while sober.

Police: Passenger Smoked Pot On Flight [My FOX NY]

VIDEO: ‘Intervention’ without the interventions is a fun mash-up of life-ruining drug abuse

Chris Spags — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:30:15 +0000

Did you know that when presented with out the interventions, A&E’s hit Intervention is just a feel-good show about man’s triumph over chemicals? Well, check out this mash-up, set to Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” and you’ll see what I mean.

See, now I totally believe them when they say don’t have a problem and can quit whenever they want. Thanks, Internet! I’m enabling with 100% more accuracy!

Lights Out [The Daily What]

VIDEO: CNN contributor jokingly admits to smoking pot, makes Erin Burnett uncomfortable

Chris Spags — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:20:42 +0000

I don’t know what the consensus is about Erin Burnett, host of CNN’s OutFront. She seems okay to me whenever I’ve seen her. But her reaction to this news story about smoking pot, and legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin’s joking confession, makes her seem like the goofy white mom in an anti-drug ad.

Is it really something to brag about that putting on a pair of goofy “Elton-John-as-a-stoner” glasses are the closest you’ve come to smoking pot? Yeah, smoking is a personal choice (uh, assuming it’s legally prescribed in your state) and whatever. But you show me a woman who claims to have never smoked pot in her life and I’ll show you a bore and a liar.

Pot brownies of a deceased elderly person leads to three more getting sick

Chris Spags — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 20:21:02 +0000

While pot certainly gets an unfair rap from some segments of society, it’s also not for everyone. Case in point: A bunch of elderly people gathered for a memorial had to go to the hospital after eating the deceased’s pot brownies.

Three elderly people in Huntington Beach, Calif. were brought to the hospital over the weekend after ingesting the brownies.

According to police, the elderly suffered from, “nausea, dizziness and [an] inability to stand unassisted.”

One of the trio had put out the deceased’s brownies, unaware that he had been eating brownies laced with medical marijuana. What they thought would be a profound tribute ended up with a group of in-firmed elderly.

The three elderly people were treated and released without incident.

On the plus side, if you’re going to be old and recklessly eating pot brownies, you definitely want to do it without knowing. Mostly because I find old stoners weird. Yeah, we get it, you’ve been doing it for decades and that somehow makes you the coolest old person this side of a Capri Sun commercial. That doesn’t excuse the rank odor of pachouli oil and your disheveled hippie pony tail. Get a job and stop living off my social security taxes, old man!

Seniors Sickened by Pot Brownies at Funeral [ABC News]

Mother arrested after child brings crack pipe and meth to school ‘Show and Tell’

Chris Spags — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 18:56:35 +0000

Ah “Show and Tell.” A time to sit back and look at other kids in your class’s stupid toys and useless family artifacts. Or, in one Missouri school’s case, for a kid to bring in a crack pipe and get his mom arrested. Now that’s more exciting.

According to police, Michelle Cheatham was arrested after her child brought a crack pipe and several baggies full of methamphetamine to his class’s “Show and Tell.”

After police were tipped off about the risqué edition of “Show and Tell,” they went to the mother’s home where they found another crack pipe and a butane lighter.

Police estimate the amount of crack the kindergartener brought to school had a street value of $3,700.

Cheatham was charged with possession of a controlled substance and endangering the welfare of a child. She faces up to seven years in prison if found guilty.

Personally, I’m most curious about what exactly the kid presented this stuff as. “Mommy’s Crazy Smokes”? “Mama’s Neglect the Baby” cheat code? I would assume he didn’t bring it in just to get his mom in jail so there had to be an innocence to it that we adults could never see.

Either that, or this kid is the most clever drug kingpin of all. Watch your ass, Gus Fring.

Child Brings Mom’s Crack Pipe For Show-And-Tell [CBS Local St. Louis]

Teen does Ritalin to enhance his Xbox experience, and it backfires

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 19:25:52 +0000

Not that we condone the drug abuse, but surely there are better motivations than extending your Halo: Reach sessions.

Yet that’s exactly what some kid in New Zealand had in mind. Apparently the 15 year old is a regular user (a pal from class is his hook-up), and one day came up with the brilliant plan of grinding some pills up and then snorting them, in hopes of pulling an all-nighter. Not on homework, but Xbox.

Well, like many plans that teenagers come up with, all did not go well. Due to a panic attack, his dad ended up taking him to the hospital around the 3 in the morning. The idiot showed up “white as a sheet and hyperventilating”.

Needless to say, dad was kind of freaking out at that moment: “Being such a traumatic, emotional experience of thinking my boy was dying, to ‘he is snorting drugs,’ put me in shock… I had a hundred questions but was too shocked and drained to address them.”

The father is now out to warn other parents of the danger the drug poses, mostly by warning other parents to keep their stash, if they have one, under lock and key. Sensible advice to say the least.

Bad Idea: Snorting Ritalin and Xbox 360 Gaming [GamePolitics]

VIDEO: Pac-Man IRL (and on a dark and lonely road, while tripping)

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 12:13:26 +0000

Or, if David Lynch ever made a video game movie, it would look something like this…

BTW, the inspiration behind the clip is this classic quote by Kristian Wilson, a Nintendo spokesperson circa 1989: “Computergames don´t affect kids; I mean, if Pac Man affected us as kids we´d all be running around in darkened rooms, muncing magic pills an listening to repetitive electronic music.”

Even then she mush have realized how silly she sounded ten second after saying that, let alone how many years after the fact. But yeah, video games are a helluva drug!

Riding The Pac-Man Highway [GameSetWatch]

VIDEO: This is your game on drugs (and other bits of Minecraft related business)

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 26 May 2011 16:25:38 +0000

The game isn’t even official out yet, but it’s all people can talk about (and in some cases play).

First off, though I mentioned it the last time Minecraft was brought up, I have yet to actually give the thing a spin. More and more of my pals are playing the game, and they all want me to join. But I’ve flat-out refuse, on the grounds that it’ll just take you WAY too much of my time, I just know it.

Though as more wacky mods come to the forefront, the harder it’s becoming to resist. Like this one, where it’s basically Minecraft on acid…

Hell, even games that are Minecraft-like are now almost guaranteed to be bonafide hits. Check out Terraria, which can be best described as a 2D version, with a heavy does of Super Metroid…

… Like I said, having that Minecraft-like feel is like the touch of gold. In just over a week it’s sold over 200,000 copies. Damn!

But yeah, back to mods, and as noted previously, the key to the game’s success is what players have been able to with it. One of my fave user generated clips has to be when the Predator decided to show up…

The other big Minecraft news is was the revelation that the Xperia PLAY would be the very first mobile device to have an official portable version. Needless to say, entitled iOS fanboys, who assume that they should get first digs with every mobile game, are not too happy.

Unfortunately the price and release date for Minecraft in your pocket has not been announced, and we don’t even know what it looks like. So instead, here’s a gag reel featuring Kristen Schaal, from those ads I first posted a number of weeks ago. It’s to help commemorate the release of the phone on Verizon Wireless, which happened today actually…

7 of the most hilarious TV addictions of all-time

Chris Spags — Thu, 19 May 2011 12:00:33 +0000

You may be familiar with the A&E show Intervention, a show chronicling people’s journeys to get a loved one into rehab. It’s real, gritty, touching, and often depressing. Addiction is a serious problem, when presented in most situations. Unless it’s taken so far that it becomes hilarious.

7 Jessie Spano’s Caffeine Pill Addiction
Saved by the Bell’s Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) was feeling a bit overextended. You see, Zack had an uncle who was looking for a hot new girl band… somehow performing at local burger joint “The Max” would end with the girls of SBTB being the female New Kids on the Block (which, at the time, was not meant to be hilarious). Anyway Jessie is doing way too much… class, singing, buying leg-warmers, so she takes caffeine pills. This ends with a caffeine pill binge, Zack coming to save Jessie from herself and, of course, a stirring rendition of The Pointer Sisters’ hit “I’m So Excited”.

When you wake up one day in the gutter with a bottle of Jolt Cola by your side, then and only then will you know Jessie’s pains.

6 Aaron Henry’s Steroid Addiction
HBO wasn’t always a safe haven for well-acted, critically acclaimed drama. For categorical evidence, look no further than HBO series Lifestories: Families in Crisis. Let’s be honest… Ben Affleck, not so great of an actor. And when you combine his poor acting with heavy-handed afterschool special-ish TV, you get this gem about steroid addiction. Check out Ben Affleck’s roid rage from Body to Die For: The Aaron Henry Story.

Roid Rage is thrown around quite a bit by the media, often in sensationalist ways. But one needn’t look further than the grounded portrayal of steroid addiction painted above to understand the gravity of the problem. Particularly the smashing, woman punching, and floor humping involved.

5 Dylan McKay’s Alcohol Addiction
Beverly Hills 90210′s Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) was always the quintessential rebel with a heart of gold. Presumably gold due to all of the Goldschlager running through his veins. Dylan liked the drugs and, more importantly, the alcohol. In the clip below, he walks into a benefit and finds that Brandon (Jason Priestly) is dating his on-and-off girlfriend Kelly (whatsherface). If there’s a problem kicking your feet up on the table and drinking wine out of the bottle can’t solve, I haven’t seen it.

Fans of the show would be dismayed to find Dylan upon his return to the show casually drinking champagne with the rest of the 90210ers. Because alcoholics who went to rehab always like to hang out with some alcohol after achieving sobriety yet somehow avoid relapses. Truly a realistic depiction.

4 Demetrius “DH” Harris’ Crack Addiction
The ESPN show Playmakers was so gritty and real that the NFL demanded the show be removed if the network wanted to continue their partnership. And by gritty and real, I mean outlandishly far-fetched and borderline libelous to anyone who’s ever played Madden, let alone actually been a professional football player. Fans were treated to sensational story lines like domestic violence, murder, homosexuality (and subsequent discrimination) and, of course, the crack addiction of top running back Demetrius “DH” Harris (Omar Gooding).

Unfortunately there aren’t any clips to be found on the Internet of the show (damn you ESPN), but the gist is as follows: DH is addicted to crack, in spite of being an elite-caliber professional football running back (a position that requires you to be in fairly good health. Health typically not associated with crack addicts, if I’m not mistaken). During one episode, DH is trying to get off crack but finds himself unable. At halftime of a game, the team trainer tells DH he’s dehydrated but DH knows better. He calls his drug dealer who brings crack to the parking lot. However, as DH tries to get to his crack, he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. He then comes to and asks a teammate to buy his crack for him. The teammate does, then helps DH smoke his crack. Seconds later, DH is fine again and plays a great half of football. Crack: the performance enhancing drug the media doesn’t want you to know about.

3 Robbie the Dinosaur’s “Steroid” Addiction
Performance enhancement is a popular source of comical addiction as the second steroid-themed entry comes via ABC hit Dinosaurs. While the show was known for its lighthearted comedy in the form of the baby violently assaulting his father while screaming “Not the mama,” it strayed into serious tones when the teenage dinosaur, Robbie, tried steroids (or the dino equivalent, in the form of live, angry-looking Koosh balls).

The clip’s a little long, but basically Robbie takes steroids, gets huge overnight, rips a sink out of the wall, attacks his drug dealer, is a dick to his girlfriend, and ends up crying after a rampage. So basically, he’s like your dad, only with less whiskey involved.

2 Michael’s Marijuana Addiction
The 80s were a crazy time… did you know there was a slightly more competent Bush in the White House at one point? Well there was! And he had a lot of great ideas, including his anti-drug campaign which resulted in this. The story chronicles a kid named Michael and his rampant uses of the horrific drug marijuana. He steals money from his sister, takes beer from his father, and hangs out with a bad crowd… including an amorphous blob of marijuana smoke cleverly named “Smoke”. Fortunately, the horrific effects of marijuana have finally manifested a useful hallucination when a group of cartoon characters appear to Michael in a drug fueled haze.

If you’re feeling nostalgic, you can watch the full show here. The horror of seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks while stoned out of his mind somehow leads Michael pack to a path of righteousness instead of to a box of Yodels like it does with most people.

1 Alf’s Cat Addiction

The most absurd of all of the addictions above is arguably the most heartbreaking. Alf was an alien, so his standards of addiction varied a bit. But his obsession with eating cats was fairly evident throughout the show. Alf mentioned eating a cat in just about every episode, including mocking the funeral of family pet “Lucky” by saying that a funeral for the cat was asking to “holding a funeral for a hamburger”. While his Earth family didn’t exactly enable him (other than cat-sized rolls, as pictured above), they didn’t really do anything to deter him either.

So when Alf’s addiction to eating cats manifests itself, it’s a hilarious little punchline… but when I murder a cat and eat it, I’m “predisposed to be a serial killer”. Whatever.