If that were pot, this dude would look way more relaxed.

As the plane was about to land in Newark, Blumenkranz excused himself to the bathroom. After emerging, crew members say that a strong smell of pot flew threw the cabin.

Blumenkranz was arrested for possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia by airport police upon arrival.

Airport police said that Blumerkranz, a Los Angeles resident, had a license for medicinal marijuana but that, for obvious reasons, it didn’t apply here.

Let’s put aside that this guy is an idiot for a second (you can no longer legally smoke cigarettes on a plane but for some reason, Blumenkranz thought pot would be totally cool? Smart). But how dumb is it to arrest this guy after he landed? It’s not like he deserves the punishment at this point for a drug charge since he did something that was legal in his home state. And he already got high.

One count of being a douchebag for thinking this was a good idea would suffice. Then again, he probably realized that he was minutes from being near a Cinnabon. No one should be subjected to that culinary experience while sober.

Police: Passenger Smoked Pot On Flight [My FOX NY]

See, now I totally believe them when they say don’t have a problem and can quit whenever they want. Thanks, Internet! I’m enabling with 100% more accuracy!

Lights Out [The Daily What]

Is it really something to brag about that putting on a pair of goofy “Elton-John-as-a-stoner” glasses are the closest you’ve come to smoking pot? Yeah, smoking is a personal choice (uh, assuming it’s legally prescribed in your state) and whatever. But you show me a woman who claims to have never smoked pot in her life and I’ll show you a bore and a liar.

According to police, the elderly suffered from, “nausea, dizziness and [an] inability to stand unassisted.”

One of the trio had put out the deceased’s brownies, unaware that he had been eating brownies laced with medical marijuana. What they thought would be a profound tribute ended up with a group of in-firmed elderly.

The three elderly people were treated and released without incident.

On the plus side, if you’re going to be old and recklessly eating pot brownies, you definitely want to do it without knowing. Mostly because I find old stoners weird. Yeah, we get it, you’ve been doing it for decades and that somehow makes you the coolest old person this side of a Capri Sun commercial. That doesn’t excuse the rank odor of pachouli oil and your disheveled hippie pony tail. Get a job and stop living off my social security taxes, old man!

Seniors Sickened by Pot Brownies at Funeral [ABC News]

After police were tipped off about the risqué edition of “Show and Tell,” they went to the mother’s home where they found another crack pipe and a butane lighter.

Police estimate the amount of crack the kindergartener brought to school had a street value of $3,700.

Cheatham was charged with possession of a controlled substance and endangering the welfare of a child. She faces up to seven years in prison if found guilty.

Personally, I’m most curious about what exactly the kid presented this stuff as. “Mommy’s Crazy Smokes”? “Mama’s Neglect the Baby” cheat code? I would assume he didn’t bring it in just to get his mom in jail so there had to be an innocence to it that we adults could never see.

Either that, or this kid is the most clever drug kingpin of all. Watch your ass, Gus Fring.

Child Brings Mom’s Crack Pipe For Show-And-Tell [CBS Local St. Louis]

Yet that’s exactly what some kid in New Zealand had in mind. Apparently the 15 year old is a regular user (a pal from class is his hook-up), and one day came up with the brilliant plan of grinding some pills up and then snorting them, in hopes of pulling an all-nighter. Not on homework, but Xbox.

Well, like many plans that teenagers come up with, all did not go well. Due to a panic attack, his dad ended up taking him to the hospital around the 3 in the morning. The idiot showed up “white as a sheet and hyperventilating”.

Needless to say, dad was kind of freaking out at that moment: “Being such a traumatic, emotional experience of thinking my boy was dying, to ‘he is snorting drugs,’ put me in shock… I had a hundred questions but was too shocked and drained to address them.”

The father is now out to warn other parents of the danger the drug poses, mostly by warning other parents to keep their stash, if they have one, under lock and key. Sensible advice to say the least.

Bad Idea: Snorting Ritalin and Xbox 360 Gaming [GamePolitics]

BTW, the inspiration behind the clip is this classic quote by Kristian Wilson, a Nintendo spokesperson circa 1989: “Computergames don´t affect kids; I mean, if Pac Man affected us as kids we´d all be running around in darkened rooms, muncing magic pills an listening to repetitive electronic music.”

Even then she mush have realized how silly she sounded ten second after saying that, let alone how many years after the fact. But yeah, video games are a helluva drug!

Riding The Pac-Man Highway [GameSetWatch]

First off, though I mentioned it the last time Minecraft was brought up, I have yet to actually give the thing a spin. More and more of my pals are playing the game, and they all want me to join. But I’ve flat-out refuse, on the grounds that it’ll just take you WAY too much of my time, I just know it.

Though as more wacky mods come to the forefront, the harder it’s becoming to resist. Like this one, where it’s basically Minecraft on acid…

Hell, even games that are Minecraft-like are now almost guaranteed to be bonafide hits. Check out Terraria, which can be best described as a 2D version, with a heavy does of Super Metroid…

… Like I said, having that Minecraft-like feel is like the touch of gold. In just over a week it’s sold over 200,000 copies. Damn!

But yeah, back to mods, and as noted previously, the key to the game’s success is what players have been able to with it. One of my fave user generated clips has to be when the Predator decided to show up…

The other big Minecraft news is was the revelation that the Xperia PLAY would be the very first mobile device to have an official portable version. Needless to say, entitled iOS fanboys, who assume that they should get first digs with every mobile game, are not too happy.

Unfortunately the price and release date for Minecraft in your pocket has not been announced, and we don’t even know what it looks like. So instead, here’s a gag reel featuring Kristen Schaal, from those ads I first posted a number of weeks ago. It’s to help commemorate the release of the phone on Verizon Wireless, which happened today actually…

You may be familiar with the A&E show Intervention, a show chronicling people’s journeys to get a loved one into rehab. It’s real, gritty, touching, and often depressing. Addiction is a serious problem, when presented in most situations. Unless it’s taken so far that it becomes hilarious.

7 Jessie Spano’s Caffeine Pill Addiction
Saved by the Bell’s Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) was feeling a bit overextended. You see, Zack had an uncle who was looking for a hot new girl band… somehow performing at local burger joint “The Max” would end with the girls of SBTB being the female New Kids on the Block (which, at the time, was not meant to be hilarious). Anyway Jessie is doing way too much… class, singing, buying leg-warmers, so she takes caffeine pills. This ends with a caffeine pill binge, Zack coming to save Jessie from herself and, of course, a stirring rendition of The Pointer Sisters’ hit “I’m So Excited”.

When you wake up one day in the gutter with a bottle of Jolt Cola by your side, then and only then will you know Jessie’s pains.

6 Aaron Henry’s Steroid Addiction
HBO wasn’t always a safe haven for well-acted, critically acclaimed drama. For categorical evidence, look no further than HBO series Lifestories: Families in Crisis. Let’s be honest… Ben Affleck, not so great of an actor. And when you combine his poor acting with heavy-handed afterschool special-ish TV, you get this gem about steroid addiction. Check out Ben Affleck’s roid rage from Body to Die For: The Aaron Henry Story.

Roid Rage is thrown around quite a bit by the media, often in sensationalist ways. But one needn’t look further than the grounded portrayal of steroid addiction painted above to understand the gravity of the problem. Particularly the smashing, woman punching, and floor humping involved.

5 Dylan McKay’s Alcohol Addiction
Beverly Hills 90210′s Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) was always the quintessential rebel with a heart of gold. Presumably gold due to all of the Goldschlager running through his veins. Dylan liked the drugs and, more importantly, the alcohol. In the clip below, he walks into a benefit and finds that Brandon (Jason Priestly) is dating his on-and-off girlfriend Kelly (whatsherface). If there’s a problem kicking your feet up on the table and drinking wine out of the bottle can’t solve, I haven’t seen it.

Fans of the show would be dismayed to find Dylan upon his return to the show casually drinking champagne with the rest of the 90210ers. Because alcoholics who went to rehab always like to hang out with some alcohol after achieving sobriety yet somehow avoid relapses. Truly a realistic depiction.

4 Demetrius “DH” Harris’ Crack Addiction
The ESPN show Playmakers was so gritty and real that the NFL demanded the show be removed if the network wanted to continue their partnership. And by gritty and real, I mean outlandishly far-fetched and borderline libelous to anyone who’s ever played Madden, let alone actually been a professional football player. Fans were treated to sensational story lines like domestic violence, murder, homosexuality (and subsequent discrimination) and, of course, the crack addiction of top running back Demetrius “DH” Harris (Omar Gooding).

Unfortunately there aren’t any clips to be found on the Internet of the show (damn you ESPN), but the gist is as follows: DH is addicted to crack, in spite of being an elite-caliber professional football running back (a position that requires you to be in fairly good health. Health typically not associated with crack addicts, if I’m not mistaken). During one episode, DH is trying to get off crack but finds himself unable. At halftime of a game, the team trainer tells DH he’s dehydrated but DH knows better. He calls his drug dealer who brings crack to the parking lot. However, as DH tries to get to his crack, he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. He then comes to and asks a teammate to buy his crack for him. The teammate does, then helps DH smoke his crack. Seconds later, DH is fine again and plays a great half of football. Crack: the performance enhancing drug the media doesn’t want you to know about.

3 Robbie the Dinosaur’s “Steroid” Addiction
Performance enhancement is a popular source of comical addiction as the second steroid-themed entry comes via ABC hit Dinosaurs. While the show was known for its lighthearted comedy in the form of the baby violently assaulting his father while screaming “Not the mama,” it strayed into serious tones when the teenage dinosaur, Robbie, tried steroids (or the dino equivalent, in the form of live, angry-looking Koosh balls).

The clip’s a little long, but basically Robbie takes steroids, gets huge overnight, rips a sink out of the wall, attacks his drug dealer, is a dick to his girlfriend, and ends up crying after a rampage. So basically, he’s like your dad, only with less whiskey involved.

2 Michael’s Marijuana Addiction
The 80s were a crazy time… did you know there was a slightly more competent Bush in the White House at one point? Well there was! And he had a lot of great ideas, including his anti-drug campaign which resulted in this. The story chronicles a kid named Michael and his rampant uses of the horrific drug marijuana. He steals money from his sister, takes beer from his father, and hangs out with a bad crowd… including an amorphous blob of marijuana smoke cleverly named “Smoke”. Fortunately, the horrific effects of marijuana have finally manifested a useful hallucination when a group of cartoon characters appear to Michael in a drug fueled haze.

If you’re feeling nostalgic, you can watch the full show here. The horror of seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks while stoned out of his mind somehow leads Michael pack to a path of righteousness instead of to a box of Yodels like it does with most people.

1 Alf’s Cat Addiction

The most absurd of all of the addictions above is arguably the most heartbreaking. Alf was an alien, so his standards of addiction varied a bit. But his obsession with eating cats was fairly evident throughout the show. Alf mentioned eating a cat in just about every episode, including mocking the funeral of family pet “Lucky” by saying that a funeral for the cat was asking to “holding a funeral for a hamburger”. While his Earth family didn’t exactly enable him (other than cat-sized rolls, as pictured above), they didn’t really do anything to deter him either.

So when Alf’s addiction to eating cats manifests itself, it’s a hilarious little punchline… but when I murder a cat and eat it, I’m “predisposed to be a serial killer”. Whatever.

Officers recovered five pounds of cocaine along with large amounts of Vicodin, Ecstasy, and over $160,000 in cash from the raid.

Police reports say that the drug ring used the pizza and hamburger restaurants’ delivery vehicles to transport the drugs without arising suspicion.

Chicago suburb Waukegan’s police chief said the ring had long been a “thorn in the side” of the local police for a while.

Far be it from me to question a business drawing way more money than I could in a fairly clever manner. But it seems like you should probably include weed sales as a tent pole of any drug/pizza ring. I mean that just makes sense financially. This way you’re marketing two related services rather than just one. Nobody does a bunch of coke and goes, “Yeah, now load me up with carbs and cheese to slow me back down!” But when you’re stoned, you can just pile it all on until you become not dissimilar from Jabba the Hut in both body composition and self-satisfaction. Looks like someone’s drug ring didn’t get their MBA from the University of Phoenix.

Either way, clearly this settles the debate between deep dish pizza versus New York style thinner crust. Whatever pizza comes with coke and Ecstasy wins every time.

19 charged in alleged drug ring that operated out of suburban Chicago pizza restaurants [Newser]

Apparently we need to add “Collapse like a pussy in the middle of your blunt rap” to the Stoner Bucket List.

Not gonna lie…I was kind of hoping this video would feature the first pot-related fatality in the history of the world. I think even the most loyal defender of cannabis and its safety would probably go, “Yeah, well, one dude died from it but he kind of had it coming. He was rapping about pot with the lyrical diction of Terri Schiavo. Somehow, we’ll survive.”

How Not To Take A Blunt Hit While Rapping About Blunt Hits [Barstool Boston]

When they opened the box, the couple found five pounds of pot with an estimated street worth of $22,000.

Upper Darby, Penn. Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood told the local CBS affiliate that the marijuana was “high quality”.

Chitwood also said this type of thing happens far more often with carriers such as UPS than you’d think.

The return addresses belonged to fake places in Arizona so police are currently without any leads.

Granted, I don’t exactly know what I’d do if I had $22,000 in pot delivered to my door. That’s obviously way too much to smoke without it going bad quickly and I’m not entirely confident in my abilities to build a pot empire in a quick turnaround time nearly as capably as Mary Louise Parker in “Weeds”. But still, giving it over to the cops just seems short-sighted. There has to be SOMETHING that could be done with a Shake Weight’s worth of pot. Personally, I think these old people should have just made the most badass game of Bingo ever. What are you going to arrest a bunch of elderly people for eating a bunch of pot brownies and laughing maniacally at “I-69″? Of course not.

Elderly Delaware County Couple Receives 5-Pound Brick Of Marijuana By Mistake [CBS Local - Philadelphia]

During a pat-down search, officers then found a bag of cocaine on Banks’ waistband.

Police then asked Banks if he had any other drugs on him. After he told them he didn’t, the officers on the scene ordered a strip search.

In the middle of the strip search, officers noticed a protrusion on Banks’ foreskin. On further inspection, they found it was a smaller bag of crack cocaine.

Banks faces charges of second-degree possession of a controlled substance and possession of synthetic cannabinoids as well as additional charges of trafficking a controlled substance.

Let’s not cast stones for a second and admit that this guy simply had an impressive amount of drugs. I mean that is dedication to your craft. But, more importantly, at least this guy was thinking outside the box. In the waistband isn’t unexpected, but smuggling a bit of coke in your dong skin? That’s just crafty. This dude is like Inspector Gadget, only instead of a trenchcoat wielding all of his goods, he’s using an oversized flap of penis skin that vaguely resembles Snuffalufagus.

Doctors should also probably make sure to include this as a reason not to circumcise your child when listing off the pros and cons to new parents. “Well, with circumcision, your child would have cleaner, more attractive genitals with a lower chance of infection…but can he pull a rabbit out of his penis like so?” Totally makes days worth of storing a rabbit in your foreskin worth it, I bet.

Officers Say Drugs Found In Man’s Penis [WLKY]

I would be completely okay with those two little puppets getting hooked on drugs to the point that got fiercely addicted, vomited in their own mouths, and choked to death on their own puke like Jimi Hendrix. It couldn’t make them look any worse.

Plus if you’re a little kid, maybe you shouldn’t be hanging around in smoky loading docks. I don’t know how things work in Canada, though. Maybe dangerous loading docks are the equivalent of a McDonald’s birthday party in Canada. They have such a vibrant culture.

Di Maria now faces disciplinary action for not handling the issue internally; after seeing the memo, the hospital’s director of social affairs, Guido Scoditti, had to contact the local authorities.

“The director of the hospital has certainly made an error, he should not have sent this memo, he should have informed me directly,” Scoditti told press agency ANSA. “The alleged consumption of cocaine in a hospital environment should certainly not be dealt with in this way.”

The issue was turned over to local prosecutors. It’s unclear what action will be taken.

Either way, if you end up at the Santa Catarina hospital while on vacation these holidays and end up being treated for a broken leg and wrapped in a cast in two seconds in a room filled with dusty mirrors while two rail-thin nurses make out the next room over, now you’ll know.

In related news, a search for “cocaine nurse” on Google Images yields gay porn. How’s that one work out? You see what I put up with for you guys? Many sexy horrific things.

Italian hospital asks doctors not to snort cocaine at work [Yahoo News]

I of course enjoy decent looking blonde girls all messed up and prancing about, but my favorite part of the video is all the guys in banana hammocks walking around, looking at the girl like, “Man, you’re weird!” Yes, let’s insinuate that the fun, stoned, blonde girl with boobs is weird when you’re wearing an ounce of fabric covering your chubby body and johnson and acting like that’s a good thing for the rest of the world. You boys sure have your priorities in order.

Girl On Drugs At The Pool [Buzzfeed]

Personally, I like the part about three minutes in where someone gives him a shirt and he takes it off and throws it defiantly. If you’re going to be a drugged up naked dude, that’s how I want you to act.

It’s also fun to imagine that he thinks he’s Godzilla. Hopping up on cars, general belligerence…throw in some green paint and a screaming Asian girl and you’ve got yourself a hit.

Alcohol is a more dangerous drug than both crack and heroin when the combined harms to the user and to others are assessed, British scientists said Monday.

Presenting a new scale of drug harm that rates the damage to users themselves and to wider society, the scientists rated alcohol the most harmful overall and almost three times as harmful as cocaine or tobacco.

According to the scale, devised by a group of scientists including Britain’s Independent Scientific Committee on Drugs (ISCD) and an expert adviser to the European Monitoring Center for Drugs and Drug Addiction (EMCDDA), heroin and crack cocaine rank as the second and third most harmful drugs.

“It is intriguing to note that the two legal drugs assessed — alcohol and tobacco — score in the upper segment of the ranking scale, indicating that legal drugs cause at least as much harm as do illegal substances,” Nutt, who was formerly head of the influential British Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs (ACMD), said in a statement about the study.

Drug experts say alcohol worse than crack or heroin [Reuters]

A parrot that Colombian police claim was trained to act as a lookout for a drugs gang has been caged in the Caribbean coastal city of Barranquilla.

Police Commander Fredy Veloza said Lorenzo had been taught to squawk a warning as security forces approached.

“We have a parrot that, as soon as the police arrived to the street in Barranquillita, the parrot alerted the people who were there by yelling, ‘Run! Run!’ so the people would run away,” he said.

The birds were handed over to animal officials who said they have been given more than 1,000 birds trained as lookouts.

Caged: Drug Gang Parrot Lorenzo The Lookout [Sky News]

The most ridiculous part is at 3:33 when it comes time for a pizza song. It makes me feel like how David Berkowitz when he had a meaningful conversation with his dog.

No wonder these girls are billionaires. This is truly an artistic triumph.