It’s never a good thing to get so injured that people respond to you bleeding out of your head with uproarious laughter. Either way, you have to admire the strength with which that girl walks. Not easy to knock yourself into lacerations by walking into a wall. She must be half Kool-Aid Man.

“When I first started and was much younger and could tolerate those things … We had a different show then. You didn’t win money, you won fake money with which you could buy cheesy prices. A turntable would go around and housewives from Teaneck would say, ‘uhhh for a $100 I’ll have the lamp. No, I’ll have the… ‘ It was the most boring two minutes of television. But because we had all those prizes, we had endless time between shows. Our dinner breaks would be two-and-a-half hours long while they drove in new cars and boats and gazebos and stuff. At NBC at Burbank we had a place called Los Arco’s across the street, which is Spanish, as you know, for the Arcos…and they served great margaritas. Me and Vanna [White] would go across and have two or three or six, and then come and do the last shows, and have trouble recognizing the alphabet. They’re really good tapes to get a hold of.

“The average number was cuatro.”

You can see the full interview with Sajak embedded below.

Honestly, kudos to Pat Sajak. As someone who’s occasionally indulged in a margarita or nine, I’m amazed he was still standing, let alone able to watch a spinning wheel full of theoretical prizes. Watching dizzying objects while meandering housewives prattle on about a pressure cooker sounds like it’d be high on the list of worst ways to spend a buzzed evening.

Pat Sajak Used to Get Wasted During Wheel of Fortune Tapings [Grantland]
Pat Sajak’s hosted ‘Wheel of Fortune’ drunk [CNN Marquee]

She must have been trying to emulate the ‘Knightfall’ era Batman. *snort

If your New Year’s resolution was to avoid seeing a sloppy girl’s big white ass and/or playing a part in a woman’s drunken shame, I apologize. It was a glorious three days while it lasted.

Maybe this wouldn’t be one of “the saddest days in history” to most of us, but look at this girl. If ever there were a case of someone needing copious amounts of booze to get it in, even at one of the most renowned party schools in the nation, this is it. There are Fleshlights more sexually appealing than this girl.

Now obviously we can’t say she’s drunk on-air because I wasn’t there and you weren’t there. But having heard drunk people in my life once or twice, Annie Stensrud sure seems like it.

Then again, if I had to live in Mankato, I’d probably be shitfaced half the time, too. No offense, Minnesota, you’re okay by me, but I’d probably have a more relaxing and fulfilling vacation in Freddie Mercury’s colon than in your state.

On-Air Blooper of the Day [The Daily What]

It would not be poor form to chant “ECW! ECW” at this kid after he did that. In this case, it would stand for Extremely Chunky Wino, but still. The soul remains.

You may not believe in mass genocide — and maybe there’s something our Guyism Style Team can tell me about that I’m not aware of — but I’m pretty sure there have been very few contributions from people wearing tie dye, purple pants, and a green hoodie. I don’t think Albert Einstein went from being a guy dressed like Barney at a Grateful Dead concert to creating the theory of relativity. I’ll have to check Wikipedia to confirm, though.

Let that be a lesson to all of you out there: Leave breaking beer bottles over people’s heads to the professionals. Respected people like bikers and extras in 1980s Patrick Swayze movies. Their years of research, dedication and, presumably, degrees in advanced Bottle Smashing Physics make them far more adept at this than your average bar schmuck.

***The More You Know

Needed more Murray. I don’t know that they were trying for the ironic enjoyment as much as I, and presumably others, are seeing this as, but hey, it gets the message across. That message: Don’t let your friends drink and drive when you’re staying in their house because if they die, you have no place to crash. Makes sense to me. What it lacks in emotion it more than makes up for in practicality.

In related news, here’s a question I’ve never had a girl adequately answer…would it hurt more or less to land like that due to her luscious bosoms? Theoretically it’s padding, like when you fall on your butt. But they’re also a little less plentiful than the booty and tend to be more inclined to have pains in them. Like if I fell testicle first, I’m pretty sure I’d be most displeased (a kind way of saying, “Screaming in girlish agony”).

These are the things you think about when one part of your job includes watching hundreds of drunken idiot videos over the course of a week. I’m like the Voltaire of viral video pondering.

Honestly, I feel kind of bad for the guy. Yeah, he seems like a douchebag. But they really beat the crap out of him. Uh, literally. Nobody deserves that.

On the plus side, this seems like a great way to ease pains from constipation. It’s like Native American healing herbs, only in the form of a fist to the face from a former offensive lineman with a fifth grade reading level. Just as good.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t check out the time on the video hoping that it was long enough for a surprise twist in which the skunk wakes back up and bites her face off.

That said, it might just be the overall animal lover in me that’s clouding my judgment. I don’t know what skunks add to society other than foul stenches and the gleeful rape of neighborhood black cats who accidentally have white paint on their backs, so maybe the actions of these two were for the good of society.

I propose this trend take off in the US and we call it “Ramming” or “Head-Car-Smashing” (the latter, admittedly, is a work in progress). It’s already brought me infinitely more joy than planking.

Either way, I think we can all learn a lot about determination from this girl. Most people would say “Oh, you can’t drunkenly destroy a car like the bonus stage in Street Fighter with your head,” but this girl refuses to give in to that negativity. She’s stronger than us all.

This is a tough call for me. Obviously, from what the YouTube uploader says and these girls’ actions, they’re complete assholes and deserving of any sort of horrible thing that comes their way. Overly entitled, illogical, just the worst of typical spoiled drunk girls. Not to mention the fact that they’re doing this in line for a photo exhibit. That’s like inciting a riot at a tea and crumpets tasting.

At the same time, my genitals would undoubtedly be interested in a meet and greet with theirs, so that probably causes me to rule in their favor. The day I pick a big black dude over two trashy and attractive drunk girls will be the day you know that prison officially turned me to the dark side. So to speak.

Go get ‘em, little guy! We hear about the David and Goliath parable a lot, but I think it’s time to update that story for modern times and call it “Little Man in Jersey Shirt Slays Entirely Too Passive Ogre”.

I feel kind of bad for the big dude. He clearly didn’t want anything to do with that situation. I bet this happens to him all the time, a gentle giant being coerced as he innocently tries to live his life in peace. He has a passion for dandelions, lightly frosted cupcakes, and artfully crafted doilies. He deserves better.

Frankly, I can think of no better way to get drunk than stage an elaborate set-up that probably took hours to make. Because if there’s one thing people trying to get shitfaced love, it’s delayed gratification. That’s why so many drunk people wait until marriage to have sex. It’s just better when you hold off. *high fives with purity rings clanging all ’round*

100 Sake Bombs Set Up Like Dominoes [Viral Viral Videos]

I think the victim in all of this I feel most sorry for is the dog. He’ll wake up the next morning expecting a nice fresh bowl of his favorite Natural Balance dog food, dig in for a big bite, chomp down excitedly, only to start chewing more slowly while he’s confused by the new flavors. Then he’ll figure out that his favorite moment of the day, that first bite of Sweet Potato and Venison flavored food, has been sullied by a fat man’s Natty Light urine. No belly rubs or scratches behind the ear can adequately compensate. You stole that dog’s sunshine, Randall. I hope you’re happy.

I’m most alarmed by how disproportionate his arms are to his rotund, pot-bellied frame. He looks like Sam the Snowman from the “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” Christmas special.

All in good fun or not, I’m not sure how the guy in the white polo sat there through over two minutes of this. Between this and Tanje Langeteig, we might need to declare war against Norway for crimes against its people.

This will come as a surprise, but the two people I hate the most in the clip are the guys with her acting like these are entertaining antics. Yes, I understand that you both want to put her on the rotisserie like a similarly built animal known for being served with an apple in its mouth, but this type of girl needn’t be encouraged. I’d wager that all her life, guys have been going, “Oh Sally, you’re so wild and amusing!” because they know that she’s an easy score when met with a dab of attention and the purchase of a drunken cheeseburger. So now she’s got this entirely undeserved false sense of confidence that she’s the life of the party. Bad job by you, Desperate Creep Guys. You’re the real problem here.