The Dr. Susan Block Institute has announced the 10th annual Eros Day Celebration will take place Jan. 24 at Dr. Suzy’s Speakeasy in downtown L.A.

Eros Day X will be an Orgy for Obama Inaugural Ball to honor the historic presidential inauguration of Barack Obama.

Featured sponsors of the event include The Broken Door L.A., PoleDanzer, Doc Johnson and Condomania, among others.

Wow, that’s pretty exciting. Nothing can get you more charged up for 4-8 years of exciting things like fixing the economy, decreasing our dependence on foreign oil, and legislation more than some pasty people leaving something that looks like spoiled yogurt on each others’ backs. Oddly enough, that’s how Dick Cheney celebrated leaving the White House, only instead of the sex, he just splashed cup fulls of the goods on people. And threw his back out while making them all, hence the wheelchair. Politics is hard.

You can see more about the orgy here.

I can think of no more appropriate gift to give your loved one who wouldn’t shut up about how Obama is going to save the world than this 7 1/2 inch Barack Obama dildo. It even comes in two colors, “Democratic Blue” and “Presidential Gold”. I don’t understand why there wouldn’t be “Racial Equality Brown” but whatever. I also don’t understand why you’d want to shove Obama head first into your orifice of choice, but who am I to judge.

For the record, if you visit the site selling the dildos, keep in mind how majorly unfunny the little slogans on there are. I swear, if there’s anything less funny than someone in the sex industry making jokes, I haven’t seen it. Is it too much to ask for the slogan “Yes We Cunt!” to be somewhere on there?

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

[full transcript of his speech here]

I would absolutely cast a vote for adorable puppies. They’d probably crap themselves less than John McCain would and are probably less likely to bite you than Joe Biden. Win/win!

Less slobber than Trig Palin too. Aw.

South Park
Episode: Douche or Turd
Lesson: Turd sandwiches make viable political candidates; Your vote doesn’t matter

In this pre-2004 Presidential Election episode, South Park Elementary’s mascot, the Cow, has been deemed inappropriate by PETA. So the school decides to elect a new mascot with candidates created by the students. This leads to a campaign being run by a Turd Sandwich and a Giant Douche.

And it featured a call to action from Diddy to Stan to get out and vote.

At the end of the episode, Stan decides to vote for Turd Sandwich. But then, the school opts to just use the Cow mascot again instead of the Giant Douche or Turd Sandwich, meaning Stan’s vote was completely meaningless. Kind of like being someone trying to vote for Al Gore in Florida in 2000.

While I would hate to dispute the credentials of Turd Sandwich, I’d have to question his existence in the first place. A Giant Douche has its uses…after all, women in the WNBA have to be cleaned somehow. But a Turd Sandwich? Why that doesn’t sound delicious at all, sir.

The Simpsons
Episode: Treehouse of Horror VII’s “Citizen Kang”
Lesson: Democracy just doesn’t work, particularly when aliens are involved

Loveable aliens (well, as loveable as someone trying to destroy our planet can be) Kang and Kodos decide that the best way to enslave all Earthlings is by taking over for Presidential candidates Bob Dole and Bill Clinton. Here’s how Kang, in the form of Bob Dole, won votes at a pre-election stump speech.

Unfortunately Kang’s promises of miniature flags never came to fruition as, instead, upon winning the election (yes, Bob Dole won the election…I know, that’s a bit far-fetched even for a cartoon), he opted to enslave all of the Earthlings to build a laser to attack another planet. Which sounds illogical until you realize that it undoubtedly saved us an attack from Neptunian terrorists and their weapons of mass destruction.

Capitol Critters
Episode: “Of Thee I Sting”
Lesson: Even rats find politicians dirty

You may or may not remember Capitol Critters, a cartoon which had a one season run on ABC. The premise was pretty simple: Rats live beneath the White House, hijinx ensue. In this episode, main character Max (an idealistic rat who just moved to Washington) finds himself in a senator’s suitcase. The senator, fresh off of a stirring speech that showed him as a hero to millions, meets with a couple lobbyists. Skip to 3:30 in on this clip to save yourself minutes of cartoon rats being completely f’ing retarded.

My favorite part of the clip? How they’re just emptying stacks of money into a bag casually like that was a totally cool thing to do and the senator is just like, “Sure, pile your UNMARKED money into my bag! No problem!” If you’re going to be a corrupt politician, at least watch a movie or two so you have a vague understanding of how to exchange illicit funds.

Looks like Max just learned an important lesson about how Washington really works. But he didn’t learn a lesson about where to get awesome rat-sized hats and print buttondowns. That lesson he learned a long time ago.

Tiny Toons
Episode: Citizen Max
Lesson: Never cross Buster Bunny

This one was a spoof of Citizen Kane (a never-before-done concept, I’m sure). In a flashback, Montana Max decides to run for student council President as part of his rise to power. But the basic foundation of his campaign was to rid the school of Buster Bunny. Skip to 6:45 in this clip…

It really makes you wish that John McCain and Barack Obama had their debates in a cartoon (I presume through some sort of chicanery like in that movie Stay Tuned…all we’d need is a remote control and a bit of whimsy). There weren’t nearly enough anvils being dropped on someone’s head during their encounters.

Anyway Max rigs the election against Buster Bunny (people didn’t quite gravitate to Max’s Bunny Genocide platform like he’d have hoped) and ends up alone and sad and totally gay for his old bike. Just like William Taft.

Futurama
Episode: A Head in the Polls
Lesson: Our first robot President will win by one vote; The United States is part of the world

For the people living in Futurama, the elections of the year 3000 were (will be?) pretty dull, being contested by two clones named John Jackson and Jack Johnson who offered no real differences in their platforms. However, Fry learns that voting in the future actually can make a difference. Note: Fry’s method of protesting the voting process in the clip below is highly recommended.

Unfortunately neither John Jackson’s policies on taxation were strong enough, leaving Richard Nixon’s head as a runaway winner thanks, primarily, to his appeal to robot voters.

See what happens if you don’t vote? Not only do you end up with Richard Nixon as President, you end up with Richard Nixon as President in an evil robot body. Which I guess is slightly cooler. Especially if you collect Presidential action figures.

Family Guy
Episode: It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One
Lesson: Voters are mostly idiots

Lois ends up running for mayor because of an oil refinery polluting Quahog. But her beliefs quickly become compromised, as illustrated through this Rudy Giuliani-esque performance during a debate against incumbent Mayor Adam West.

Lois ends up winning the mayoral election but finds herself corrupted by the position, misappropriating taxpayer money and accepting bribes. After accepting an expensive fur coat from the oil company she initially took the job to stop, Lois realizes the error of her ways and resigns. Leave it to Family Guy to show the biggest lesson of all when you go to the polls tomorrow: Never trust a woman running for office who’s been given fancy clothes.

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if you liked this, share it via the buttons at the top of the post. You may also like The 11 Dumbest Things Cartoons Have Taught Us and The 6 Creepiest Guys Living in a Sitcom Household. Any cartoons stir your voting loins? Leave them in the comments.

I think it’s so cute how she tries to be smart and poignant. It’s like watching a dog chase its tail. Or a retarded kid trying to not eat the soap. Yeah, you’d like to think it’ll succeed, but odds are it’ll end up just dizzy and vomiting on the floor. And who has to clean that up? America. That’s right America, if people vote a certain way tomorrow, you’ll be cleaning up a retard’s soap puke. Just think about it.

Nothing really to add here other than the fact that I just thought these were extremely well made and, thus, worth your time. And my train made me like an hour late today so I don’t have time to “think” or “research” a post. DON’T JUDGE ME.

Check out Comedy.com for more well-done funny videos. They’re doing a good job of filtering the crap out for lazy people like you.

The only way this could be worse juxtaposition is if it the page were about deadbeat dads or how to dunk a basketball. Poor form, Urban Dictionary.

[via]

So if we wind up electing President Chuck Baldwin in less than a week, you’ll know why. I look forward to his policies being implemented. I’m most excited for the 7th trimester abortions, his solution to the global economic problems which includes prostituting ourselves to the Japanese, his answer to world hunger (cannibalism), and his plan to lessen America’s dependence on foreign oil (convert stem cells into usable fuel). Oh also Chuck Baldwin is going to have sex with all of our mothers in his new Make an Old Lady Feel Good initiative. Nice.

Whatever, it’s not like it’s the first time Sarah Palin has been plowed by a large black man. In Alaska, they call them “Moose Cocks”.

“I was just really surprised that my name was mentioned,” he told reporters after the debate. “I think it helped them get their points across, so I was happy about that.”

[via]

I don’t know why people are saying that John McCain doesn’t have all his druthers. Though I’m disappointed in the fact that he hasn’t been entirely candid about what happened to him in Vietnam. Apparently they did experimental drug testing that turned him into a Zombie. Which is cool because we’ve never had one of those and they’re even more rare than black guys!

But just his luck, he’d bite Barack and then we’d have a black zombie Presidential candidate, which is even more of a minority. Poor McCain. All he wants is brains…and tax cuts for the wealthy! Same diff, really.

The last time I heard such salty language from a post-menopausal woman, it was Forcible Sodomy Night at the old folks’ home. Now why would there be Forcible Sodomy Night at an old folks’ home? Well, they canceled Bingo Night after the stock market tumbled; the home simply couldn’t afford to stock both bingo cards and balls with both letters and numbers on them. See US Government, these are the cutbacks real Americans have to make when you institute your crazy policies.

Johnston said he wasn’t forced to campaign with Palin’s mother. Bristol Palin invited him and Johnston jumped at the chance. It was a whirlwind experience for Johnston, who was seated with the Palins at the Republican National Convention.

“At first, I was nervous,” he said. “Then I was like, ‘Whatever.’”

“They’re not telling me anything right now,” Johnston said as he checked his Blackberry. “It’s pretty chill.”

“I’m looking forward to having him,” he said. “I’m going to take him hunting and fishing. He’ll be everywhere with me.”

[via]

Comedienne Tina Fey has been blamed for the Republican party’s recent slip in the polls ahead of the U.S. presidential election, after impersonating vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin on comedy sketch series Saturday Night Live.

According to a recent poll taken by the Washington Times, the “Tina Fey effect” has turned supporters off the Alaskan governor and her running-mate, presidential candidate John McCain.

Political scientist Jerald Podair tells the New York Post: “Presidential impersonators do influence elections, and in this one, Tina Fey is well on her way to ruining Sarah Palin’s political career. In a political culture that takes its cues from popular culture, a good impersonator may be worth a million votes.

“The parodies may have done a bit of damage. People remember Gerald Ford through the prism of Chevy Chase. Ford was among our most athletic presidents, and he had a wide-ranging knowledge of public-policy issues. But because of SNL, many came to think of him as a buffoon.”

But the reviews have yet to effect Palin’s own praise of Fey, with rumours still swirling the politician will make a cameo alongside the comedienne on the show.

Earlier this month, Palin told reporters she would be open to make an appearance, adding: “I love her, she’s a hoot (fun) and she’s so talented. It would be fun to meet her, imitate her and keep on giving her new material.”

I love that they had to clarify what Palin’s little silly white person speak meant for clarity’s sake. Just in case you got confused and thought “hoot” meant “C” in Alaska-speak.

Also, I’m not so sure that “giving her new material” is the best idea since the whole point of the impression is to basically present Sarah Palin as an underqualified dumbass. I’m really looking forward to her Tina Fey impression. “I wear glasses and look at me, golly gosh I have TV shows there, gee whiz I sure say a lot of funny things!” Should be a real scream.

Sure, it’s easy to call these McCain-Palin supporters idiots. It’s easy to call them mouthbreathers and racists and sheltered white people. It’s easy to call them one mere chromosome away from complete mental retardation. It’s easy.

Oh, I didn’t really have any follow-up for that, I just like things that are easy. That’s why your mom and I are such good friends. OH NOT LIKE THAT! I just meant she’s a great conversationalist.

It’s looking more and more likely that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will appear on ”Saturday Night Live” — to have some fun with Tina Fey.

As the comedian’s impressions of the GOP vice presidential candidate draw laughs from Republicans and Democrats alike, a top honcho from the John McCain campaign tells me there’s a debate going on about how to respond.

Some key McCain staffers are content with Palin joking about the “SNL” routines on the campaign trail — as when she scribbled “I’m not Tina Fey” on a supporter’s cell phone and said she’d dressed as Fey on Halloween. But others — including the governor herself — think a return punch on the NBC airwaves is what’s needed.

I’m hearing some sort of Palin tweak of Fey’s American Express commercials is in the works.

I think this will be another home run for Sarah Palin. Because, when seeing her, if there’s one thing you can tell, it’s that she has a great, edgy, biting sense of humor. She’ll probably really come out swinging with some fierce jokes like “Oh, I’m Tina Fey, I look like Sarah Palin!” or perhaps “I’m Tina Fey, I read stuff, look at me and all my words!” That’ll show her for accurately portraying Sarah Palin for the bumpkin that she is.

You know who wouldn’t be all cutesy trying to one-up a satire? William Taft. He’d just lay there, bedridden, unable to lift his massive hindquarters. Then he’d request another fresh pig. That’s just how Taft rolls, baby. Get out of his way. Seriously. Get out of his way, he’ll roll like the boulder in Indiana Jones.

Yes, that is a President of a foreign nation calling that polluted-wombed nothing of a candidate-for-public-office “gorgeous”. And you know, it kind of sucks for her that in an important meeting with a leader of a country who could be a significant part of our future, he’s basically just like “HEY JUGGS, PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. AND PERHAPS…MEAT YOU. HEHEHEHE.”

Whatever, f her. Who hasn’t been hit on by a Pakistani man at some point in life? The nice thing is that they make you feel really good about yourself. And then, if you feel like giving a handjob that day…BOOM! Free cab ride!

Here’s a snippet rundown, via Defamer:

:01 – 3:27: Letterman takes fairly tame shots at McCain mixed with genuine praise for the man’s heroism.

3:27 – 6:34: Dave starts getting testy!

6:35 – 9:11: Fill-in guest Keith Olbermann (haha, amazing choice) is interrupted when Letterman finds out about McCain’s Couric interview, conducted at that very moment down the street. Letterman then plays live footage of McCain getting powdered by a makeup assistant before Couric goes on the air.

Other than the fact that the clip is awesome for showing that Letterman, apparently, still has some teeth, it’s even more hilarious that John McCain has this faux-importance he’s presenting to the country. John McCain is rolling up his sleeves (so long as they don’t go above his shoulders since his arms don’t go that high) and getting to work, folks! Nevermind that there’s nothing really he can do. Nevermind that some of his work helped the Wall Street companies in trouble get to this point. Nevermind that his aides have been taking money to the tune of millions from Freddie Mac…no no. John McCain is getting it done.

I seriously wish my life were so cushy. Granted, I don’t do a lot of “work” in the traditional sense, but it just seems counterintuitive that a man hoping to be a global economic player can already go into hiding without even having won the job. I can’t do that in my job. “Hey Chris, write this up for me, will you?” “I’d love to, but I can’t. I’m suspending my work right now…I need to focus on greater issues.” “Such as?” “Uhhhhh…the economy…sucks…so….I’ll be over here…scratchin’ my balls.”

Hmm. I’ve had worse harebrained schemes.

I think Sarah Palin should be greatful. As you can see from the story next to her, there are many pigs that can’t even afford lipstick. She needs to stand up for her people and not allow this genocide to stand. That’s what heroism is, Sarah Palin. Be like Babe. He was a hero for all of the world.