I think that if you choose to engage in criminal activities, you should do your part to stand out. And this Nebraska man who stole something to buy an abortion for his teenage ladyfriend definitely went above and beyond. Click through for irony.

A Nebraska man ]]>

I think that if you choose to engage in criminal activities, you should do your part to stand out. And this Nebraska man who stole something to buy an abortion for his teenage ladyfriend definitely went above and beyond. Click through for irony.

A Nebraska man who stole a painting of the Virgin Mary to finance an abortion for a teen he was accused of raping has been convicted of first-degree sexual assault and felony theft.

Aurelio Vallerillo-Sanchez, 39, of Omaha pleaded no contest to the charges Friday and faces up to 70 years in prison when sentenced in October, Douglas County prosecutor Brenda Beadle said Saturday.

Beadle said Vallerillo-Sanchez fled to Mexico with the 300-year-old painting worth $100,000 and the pregnant teen in March 2007.

“The plan was that when they got to Mexico, she was to undergo an abortion,” she said.

When an abortion wasn’t possible, Vallerillo-Sanchez pushed to have the baby given up for adoption, Beadle said: “He wanted to do everything he could to get rid of this baby ’cause it was evidence against him.”

The teen returned to Nebraska after giving birth, the prosecutor said.

Vallerillo-Sanchez sold the painting for $3,000 in Mexico, his daughter told police.

Here’s the problem with a guy in a terrible situation like this…his ideas get a little too cute. You did two HUGELY illegal things in stealing an extremely expensive painting and knocking up an underaged girl 20 years younger than you. So then you decide that you also need to fly the both of you down to Mexico to sell the painting and get the baby aborted. Why steal something rare and expensive and sell it for 1/33rd of its worth when you could steal something much less rare and sell it without buying a trip to Mexico? And even if you don’t adhere to that logic, why not just take the painting you stole and ram it into the girl’s stomach, then sell the painting for its proper cost and pocket all the money yourself? This is why we’re in a recession, people. All these grand schemes and no real ingenuity.

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Not to be outdone by her little sister, Miley Cyrus took to the stripper pole at Sunday’s Teen Choice Awards during a performance of her new song “You Already Clicked Through When I Said Stripper Pole, Didn’t You?”

People like to say Miley Cyrus isn’t a ]]>

Not to be outdone by her little sister, Miley Cyrus took to the stripper pole at Sunday’s Teen Choice Awards during a performance of her new song “You Already Clicked Through When I Said Stripper Pole, Didn’t You?”

People like to say Miley Cyrus isn’t a great role model because she sexes up everything she does despite being underage. For example, in this clip, she emerged from a trailer to mount a stripper pole on top of an icee cart. But I have to disagree that this somehow makes her a bad influence. Let’s face it, if you’re living in a trailer, making it to a stripper pole is pretty much the peak of what you could do in life. The odds are way in favor of you giving bjs for meth or ending up 500 pounds and bedridden due to intense Ho Ho consumption than it is you making the stage at the local Cheetah Charlie’s, Hell, you’re pretty much a shoo in for an Alabaman Nobel Peace Prize if you’re a manager at an Arby’s. I don’t exactly think the cure from cancer is coming out of there, is my point.

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I’d like to applaud you, dear reader, for making your first appearance in an iPhone app! Bad news: Kidfery just got a bit harder.

All 50 states in the US require those convicted of sexual offences to sign a register so that their whereabouts can be ]]>

I’d like to applaud you, dear reader, for making your first appearance in an iPhone app! Bad news: Kidfery just got a bit harder.

All 50 states in the US require those convicted of sexual offences to sign a register so that their whereabouts can be tracked and monitored. The information is also freely available online. ThinAir Wireless, the developer of the Offender Locator application, has used this database to build the tool.

Offender Locator uses the iPhone’s built-in GPS to pinpoint the user’s location, and then provide a map listing sex offenders in the local area. Tapping on one of the ‘pins’ dropped on to the map brings up a photograph of the offender, as well as their address, date of birth and list of convictions.

Users can also search for sex offenders living nearby a friend or colleague whose address is stored in their Apple iPhone address book, or they can type in a street address to generate a list of convicted sex offenders in the local area. There are around 50,000 registered sex offenders in the United States.

That seems useful but these maps are always kind of disturbing. Especially when you load it up and it looks like your map is filled with an interpretive recreation of Nena’s 99 Luftballons. I’m sure it’s not true, but people imagine that it’s so bad in areas that dense, that if you’re carrying a My Buddy doll, it’ll quickly look like it’s getting sprayed by a yogurt hose when you walk it home. An actual child? Like a Guy-in-Glasses-and-Wispy-Mustache Cock Car Wash.

But what about fairness in the free market? Parents may buy this tool to gain a competitive advantage, but what about one for the sex offenders? Sure, it doesn’t need to cater to really sick perverts because they’re terrible people, but would it kill some app to give me a heads up on high school seniors with no real opposition to statutory rape and a need for booze? This media isn’t social enough for practical purposes, I’ll tell you that much.

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Wives always think their husbands are perverts for stuff like asking to do it in the butt or asking her to pee on him while he’s dressed like a schoolgirl. Okay, I guess the latter would be accurate. Here’s another case in which a woman may be accurate in calling ]]>

Wives always think their husbands are perverts for stuff like asking to do it in the butt or asking her to pee on him while he’s dressed like a schoolgirl. Okay, I guess the latter would be accurate. Here’s another case in which a woman may be accurate in calling her husband a pervert…filming a teenage girl with a hidden camera in a heat vent.

A 31-year-old Sheboygan man will spend no time in jail for using a webcam concealed in a heat vent to watch and make recordings as a teenage girl changed clothes, according to court records released today

Joseph J. Weisfeld, of 1615 Ashland Ave., reach (sp) a plea deal under which two felonies and three misdemeanors were dismissed in exchange for a no contest plea to a single misdemeanor count of invading privacy by use of a surveillance device. He was sentenced last week by Judge Timothy Van Akkeren to a year of probation and fined $504.

Weisfeld’s wife called police March 29 after the teenager, whom Weisfeld knows, discovered recordings of herself on Weisfeld’s computer, according to a criminal complaint. The wife greeted police by yelling, “You need to go arrest my husband. He’s a pervert.”

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In the annals of fed up stories, there are few that can quite match up to this one: A strip club who employed a “Miss America”-looking 14 year-old to strip is now suing her…after she was kidnapped and forced into stripping in the first place.

A ]]>

In the annals of fed up stories, there are few that can quite match up to this one: A strip club who employed a “Miss America”-looking 14 year-old to strip is now suing her…after she was kidnapped and forced into stripping in the first place.

A strip club that hired a 14-year-old as an exotic dancer is now suing the girl, saying the seventh-grader swindled them into breaking state law.

The San Antonio teen allegedly exposed her breasts while working at Cheetah Club in Corpus Christi, a violation of state law.

Alan Yaffe, the club’s attorney, said the club didn’t know the girl was a minor.

“She came (into the club) with 6-inch stiletto heels and a miniskirt and looked just like a model from a Miss America’s contest,” Yaffe said.

Police say Leslie Campbell, 48, kidnapped the teenager in San Antonio in March, took her to Corpus Christi, sexually assaulted her over the course of a week, gave her a false identification card and forced her to strip at the club.

The suit seeks unspecified damages from Campbell, the girl and her parents, as well as a declaration from a judge that it did not intend to hire a minor.

“We’re the victims here,” Yaffe said.

So let’s get this straight…in a story in which a 14 year-old girl was kidnapped and forced into stripping at a club, possibly at risk of her own life, the strip club is the real victims. I have a pretty high threshold for scumminess, particularly when it involves sexy nude teens, but holy crap that’s low. Even low for a strip club that would employ a 14 year-old without even doing a background check or, I don’t know, looking to see if she’s wearing a Hannah Montana backpack. I wouldn’t be shocked if the lawsuit featured a kick to her teenage vagina as part of the damages.

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High school is a tough time. You’re adjusting to life with real responsibilities and also trying to have as little awkwardness as possible. Oh and also sometimes you forget to wear panties during yearbook photos so your cooch ends up showing for all the world to see.

High school is a tough time. You’re adjusting to life with real responsibilities and also trying to have as little awkwardness as possible. Oh and also sometimes you forget to wear panties during yearbook photos so your cooch ends up showing for all the world to see.

NOTE: Not the photo in question. this is just what a life of early vagina showings gets you.

Tampa, Florida – Page 219 of the brand new school yearbook is all the talk at Sickles High School in Citrus Park.

“There’s a picture of a girl in the club pages,” said senior Xander Morehouse.

The picture is of a student with, what some are saying, are her private parts showing.

And it is published in the school yearbook.

“When I saw it, I kind of flipped out. I was like, ‘Oh my God’, but I think that she’s probably like really horrified,” said sophomore Caitlin Darden.

10 Connects caught up with the 16-year-old in the photo – and her mother Jeanette. The young girl admits she didn’t wear underwear that day but says it was because she didn’t want her panty lines to show. She says she did not show herself like that on purpose, “Absolutely not. It is ridiculously embarrassing.”

“All of the administrators are trying to downplay it and saying I should really laugh it off and come back to school but I’ve been humiliated,” said the junior who will not return to school for the rest of the year.

Now while it’s pretty much against everything I stand for to say that we need to allow a young woman to keep her vagina hidden from public view, telling her she needs to just “laugh it off” is kind of fed. Having your cooch flopping around or whatever verb it is that vaginas do is pretty embarrassing. Especially if she were, um, less than groomed as she may be based upon reports of it “being a shadow.” Because if it is that fuzzy and afrolike, it shouldn’t be seen in public unless it has a pick in its hair and says lots of jive talking expressions.

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No? Still just 14? Uh, well then.

Since there’s literally no civilized nation which would currently consider Dakota Fanning legal, I’m going to discuss food. You know when you get a piece of nice rib eye steak from the butcher and you ]]>

No? Still just 14? Uh, well then.

Since there’s literally no civilized nation which would currently consider Dakota Fanning legal, I’m going to discuss food. You know when you get a piece of nice rib eye steak from the butcher and you bring it home and look at it and know it has to cook a bit. So you put some butter on it, slap it on a pan and begin searing away. And it starts to sizzle. Maybe it looks a little off at first, like it’s not going to turn out properly. But then it starts to get browned on the outside and it starts rounding into form. And even though it’s still a little rare inside, it’s definitely not medium well like most people like it, it’s juicy. Perfect. Ready to be devoured.

Oh that wasn’t symbolic or anything, I just think steaks are awesome. As for Dakota Fanning? She’s something that rhymes with “berry truckable.”

[more photos from dakota's prom here]

15 year-old girls are tricky. They look like women sometimes and are totally capable of being knocked up like women, but it’s apparently illegal to insert parts of yourself inside of them. Well, here’s a gentleman who’s found himself on the down side of the 15 year-old girl trap.

15 year-old girls are tricky. They look like women sometimes and are totally capable of being knocked up like women, but it’s apparently illegal to insert parts of yourself inside of them. Well, here’s a gentleman who’s found himself on the down side of the 15 year-old girl trap.

See? 15 year-olds turn you to hedonism

A 29-year-old man accused of getting a 15-year-old girl pregnant was arrested Wednesday after investigators found the teen girl and marijuana in his sport utility vehicle, according to recently released records.

Bolivar Steven Polanco, of the 1400 block of Southeast North Balcourt Court, told investigators he loves the victim and “has every intention of being a father to the baby.” Polanco, listed as unemployed, faces felony charges of lewd and lascivious battery and impregnating a minor and a misdemeanor marijuana possession charge.

The 15-year-old girl reportedly was under a blanket in the backseat and looked to have been asleep. Investigators found a notebook “which indicated a relationship with the suspect” and the victim, including a photo of them kissing. Pregnancy tests were in the glove box, and the victim told investigators she was “about five weeks along.”

The victim said she loves Polanco, but indicated the relationship was “awkward” because of the difference in age. She said they had sex once and that both felt “awkward” afterward, so they decided not to do so again until she was older. She said she’d been “seeing” Polanco for a couple of months.

Polanco was forthcoming about the relationship and admitted having sex with the victim. He knew of her apparent pregnancy and acknowledged the child was his.

The victim said her mother “kicked her out” following a dispute and she went to Polanco’s residence. They were headed to McDonald’s when police stopped Polanco for allegedly failing to use a turn signal.

There is literally NO time where a 15 year-old girl lying in the back seat of your car is going to turn out well. You either killed her, kidnapped her, or are attempting to hide her for some illicit reason. Even if the girl were your daughter with a sick stomach, while you’re driving people would probably look at you like, “Oh you sick bastard.” So here’s my new law: Never allow a 15 year-old girl into your car, at minimum. Ideally, they shouldn’t be a part of your life at all. 15 year-old girls are a lot like that fugu fish that’s poisonous but completely delicious as a sushi dish if it’s cut just so…sure, it may be a wonderful and delightful experience, but it’s probably better if you not open it up in the first place.

Hot young-but-legal women, you’re one of those special rolls with caviar sprinkled on top. Old women, you’re stale California rolls that I bought from the gas station that’ll probably end up giving me food poisoning because you’ve been out in the heat for way too long. And so ends the “What if women were sushi” debate.

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Sexting is pretty much the hottest thing in the history of the world that you wish was around when you were growing up. But parents and courts are being total buzzkills about it. For example, check out the borderline-pervy work of this District Attorney.

The group of anxious parents crowded ]]>

Sexting is pretty much the hottest thing in the history of the world that you wish was around when you were growing up. But parents and courts are being total buzzkills about it. For example, check out the borderline-pervy work of this District Attorney.

The group of anxious parents crowded around District Attorney George Skumanick Jr. as he sat behind a table in a courtroom here and presented them with an ultimatum.

Photos of their semi-nude or scantily clad teenage daughters were stacked before him. Mr. Skumanick said the images had been discovered on cellphones confiscated at the local high school. They could either enlist their kids in an education program or have the teens face felony charges of child pornography. “We could have just arrested them but we didn’t,” said Mr. Skumanick in an interview.

Last month, the American Civil Liberties Union and a group of parents sued Mr. Skumanick in federal court in Scranton, Pa., alleging he violated the freedom-of-expression rights of three teenage girls. The ACLU also says that Mr. Skumanick is interfering with their parents’ rights to raise them as they see fit.

With the help of school officials, Mr. Skumanick convened a series of assemblies, from fifth-graders to seniors. For the youngest students, he asked them to conjure how they would feel if their grandparents saw a photo of them that is “not nice.” He warned the older students that sexting could damage their college or job prospects and could result in felony charges.

At one of the assemblies, a student interrupted and accused Mr. Skumanick of trying to ruin the teens’ lives. “This isn’t a debate,” Mr. Skumanick told the senior boy, who was escorted out of the auditorium.

Mr. Skumanick told them he could have simply charged the kids. Instead, he gave them two weeks to decide: take the class or face charges.

He then told the parents and teens to line up if they wanted to view the photos, which were printed out onto index cards. As the 17-year-old who took semi-nude self-portraits waited in line, she realized that Mr. Skumanick and other investigators had viewed the pictures. When the adults began to crowd around Mr. Skumanick, the 17-year-old worried they could see her photo and recalls she said, “I think the worst punishment is knowing that all you old guys saw me naked. I just think you guys are all just perverts.”

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You might think the FBI is really exciting and dangerous and all that because of shows like 24 and movies and whatever. But it turns out that FBI workers are no different than you and I. For example, they use their spy equipment to film underage girls while they’re undressing.

High school cheerleaders are tricky beasts. Sometimes they purposefully get their hot high school coach fired for posing nude in Playboy, other times they ask their coach to take them to a male strip club and get fired.

It was a field trip ]]>

High school cheerleaders are tricky beasts. Sometimes they purposefully get their hot high school coach fired for posing nude in Playboy, other times they ask their coach to take them to a male strip club and get fired.

It was a field trip of sorts for high school cheerleaders — to a male strip club.

Lori Epperson has resigned from her teaching position in southwest Ohio.

A Butler Tech school district spokesman says Epperson took four girls to a strip club.

Epperson told school officials she had gotten permission from the parents of the 17- and 18-year-olds to bring them to Club Masque in Dayton.

She says the girls asked her to take them to the bar.

I should warn Ms. Epperson that the “The underaged girl was asking for it” defense rarely works, at least in my experiences.

Seriously though what is up with teenage cheerleaders these days? Did they all see Bring It On growing up and decide that it was an acceptable way for cheerleaders to conduct their business? Because it’s not, girls. It’s inappropriate for you to do things like this. Cheerleaders have a very high standard of excellence, primarily involving spelling out animal names rhythmically and getting deep dicked by a star high school quarterback who’s going to end up working at a Denny’s. All of these firings and strip clubs are really keeping you from becoming the best at those two main objectives. And if you don’t start really honing your craft there, you’re never going to be able to do both at the same time. Shameful.

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A Pennsylvania woman found out she was infertile but, darn it, she wanted kids really bad. So she did some soul-searching and came to the totally logical conclusion that she should drug her 13 year-old daughter and have her boyfriend rape her to impregnate her. Clever.

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A Pennsylvania woman found out she was infertile but, darn it, she wanted kids really bad. So she did some soul-searching and came to the totally logical conclusion that she should drug her 13 year-old daughter and have her boyfriend rape her to impregnate her. Clever.

If only the creators of the Parenting Puzzle had known you could solve the puzzle with druggings and rape attempts. Always the simplest solutions, sigh.

A western Pennsylvania mother has been charged with giving her 13-year-old daughter drugs and alcohol so the woman’s boyfriend could get the girl pregnant, police said Thursday.

Shana Brown, 32, is no longer able to have children but wanted to have a baby with her current boyfriend, Duane Calloway, said Uniontown Police Det. Donald Gmitter. The pair decided to drug the girl so Calloway, 40, could have sex with her without her knowledge, he added.

Brown has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child and was to turn herself into police later Thursday, Gmitter said. Brown’s attorney did not immediately return a call for comment.

Calloway faces several counts of attempted rape. He was arrested Wednesday and remains in Fayette County Jail. It was not immediately clear if he had an attorney

The girl told police the plot was apparently hatched sometime in December after she rejected her mother’s proposal that she allow Calloway to impregnate her and then marry him.

In the following months, Calloway attempted to rape the girl three times, Gmitter said.

The first time, in February, the girl was alone with Calloway while her mother went out to buy pizza, according to the criminal complaint. Calloway began groping her and she kicked him away, the documents stated.

A few weeks later, the girl believes her mother spiked her Pepsi with rum, according to police. The girl told them she felt ill after drinking the Pepsi, passed out and later threw up. She was also partially naked when she woke up and Calloway was in the room, according to the criminal complaint.

In fairness, the mom DID ask the daughter first. So, that’s pretty much license to rape and druggings, right? Otherwise, man, I really did not learn anything from my Mike Tyson etiquette class.

The problem other than the druggings and rape (which is a pretty big leap of faith to take, I know) is that the mom and boyfriend didn’t really think outside the box. She would probably need to be sexually active, first of all, in order for her to be pregnant and not instantly know mom and Boyfriend McRapekit weren’t at fault. And second, how about you try a turkey baster? Did it have to be rape? Do you have to DOUBLE the trauma to your daughter? Moms trying to impregnate their daughters with their boyfriends’ sperm really don’t think enough these days.

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Many have echoed the sentiments behind the expression “Pimpin’ ain’t easy.” Well, apparently it is, presuming you have enough chicken nuggets (up until the going to jail part).

An Australian man who pimped a 16-year-old schoolgirl paid her with chicken nuggets for having sex with men, ]]>

Many have echoed the sentiments behind the expression “Pimpin’ ain’t easy.” Well, apparently it is, presuming you have enough chicken nuggets (up until the going to jail part).

An Australian man who pimped a 16-year-old schoolgirl paid her with chicken nuggets for having sex with men, a court has been told.

Ronald Vikash Gander, 27, and his 16-year-old girlfriend devised a plan to prostitute a teenage girl so they could afford the weekly $1,050 rent on a serviced inner-Brisbane apartment, the Brisbane District Court was told.

The court was told the girl made $4,500 for having sex with five middle-aged men in June last year.

Gander and his girlfriend used the money for living expenses and paid the girl nothing except for the occasional box of chicken nuggets.

The court was told Gander’s girlfriend – who cannot be named – threatened the student, who had run away from home, with eviction if she didn’t continue having sex with clients to earn her keep.

Judge Marshall Irwin described the prostitution offences as “sordid”.

“The girl was used as if she was a piece of meat … and your conduct can properly be described as that of a sleaze merchant,” Judge Irwin said.

I can understand why the Judge is so disappointed. If you can’t expect first class employment and professionalism from a pimp who turns out girls who should still be studying calculus, then what hope does the rest of the world? Every time I see a pimp strutting down the street in a technicolor dream coat and a cane befitting a 1930s archaeologist, I always think, “Oh man, this guy must be a CEO or important person in the business community. He would certainly not sell teenage girls for sex and then feed them Chicken McNuggets.” So yeah, I guess you can say I relate to the judge.

What a great ad for McNuggets though. They’re so delicious that you’ll give up your cooch and dignity for them. I’d like to see McDonald’s make this happen in an ad, ideally with Birdie being turned out by Grimace. It practically writes itself!

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So Miley Cyrus went clothes shopping and the heroic paparazzi were there to chronicle this special occasion in a young woman’s life. What heroes.

Pretty much everywhere across the globe, Miley Cyrus is legally allowed to engage in Super Happy Adult Jizzy Fun Time. Except for ]]>

So Miley Cyrus went clothes shopping and the heroic paparazzi were there to chronicle this special occasion in a young woman’s life. What heroes.

Pretty much everywhere across the globe, Miley Cyrus is legally allowed to engage in Super Happy Adult Jizzy Fun Time. Except for America, where there are “statutes” which prohibit getting to know Miley on a more personal level. But if you were brought up on charges of said special friendship, how the f would that be fair? This is basically entrapment. Miley Cyrus is basically a piece of cheese in a mouse trap when she does stuff like this; it’s totally unevening the playing field. Girls her age should be, I don’t know, riding ponies or some crap. Wait her boobs fell out doing that too? AHHHHH GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read. Jamie Lynn Spears apparently had liposuction somewhere in her third through fifth months of pregnancy because she “just thought she was getting fat”.

Jamie Lynn had just finished her hit Nickelodeon show Zoey 101 when she found ]]>

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read. Jamie Lynn Spears apparently had liposuction somewhere in her third through fifth months of pregnancy because she “just thought she was getting fat”.

Jamie Lynn had just finished her hit Nickelodeon show Zoey 101 when she found the weight piling on. Not realizing she was expecting, she pleaded with her mom, Lynne Spears, to let her get liposuction, says a source.

With a five-month-old daughter at home, Jamie Lynn Spears should be celebrating motherhood. Instead, the former TV star is fearful that controversial plastic surgery she had while pregnant could have caused long-term harm to baby Maddie.

“She didn’t know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure,” a second source reveals.

“Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient.” “Any form of liposuction is dangerous and should not be performed on a pregnant woman,” plastic surgeon Dr. Gary Burton tells Star. “It poses serious health risks to the fetus.”

It goes without saying that Jamie Lynn Spears may not be the brightest girl alive, but reacting to three months without a bloody vagina and some weight gain with “Hmm, must be getting fat” is the dumbest crap ever. It’s like walking outside and then rain starts pouring down so you just assume that it must be construction workers pissing on you everywhere you go. But the doctor is even more retarded not only because he gave a young girl lipo, but because he’s a doctor and he saw a bowling bowl welling up in her stomach and was just like, “DUH I DON’T KNOW NUFFIN BOUT NO BABIEZ.” I know they live in Louisiana and a Louisianan doctor is probably no more than a chimp with a stethoscope and a Swiss army knife, but come on.

I will however commend Jamie Lynn for her completely and utterly lazy solution to gaining like 10 pounds. She’s too busy getting pounded without condoms to do a sit-up or not eat double-fried Chocolate Cheetos. Which is inspirational for teenage girls everywhere, really. With her and Miley Cyrus and the various other whore role models running around, if I had a 12 year-old daughter, I’d be surprised if she weren’t getting involved in gang bangs on her way both to and from the abortion clinic because she can’t gain weight or she’d lose her weekend job as a topless dancer. Kids today…so ambitious with their extracurricular activities!

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Hey it’s Pedophilia Day here on the BOH (then again, what day isn’t?), so let’s commemorate that with photos of Ali Lohan at Animal Fair Magazine’s 8th Annual Halloween Pet Costume Party.

That is a pretty impressive display of teenage whorishness. I also think that’s a ]]>

Hey it’s Pedophilia Day here on the BOH (then again, what day isn’t?), so let’s commemorate that with photos of Ali Lohan at Animal Fair Magazine’s 8th Annual Halloween Pet Costume Party.

That is a pretty impressive display of teenage whorishness. I also think that’s a real tattoo, which is classy because Ali is like 15 and she’s big breasted and probably f’ing guys with bangs named Skyler or Dylan so she’s pretty well-versed on being a classy lady. You typically only find gals as classy as Ali Lohan hanging out at Walmart or in the back room of a Meth lab (it’s casual in that room because it has couches).

I hate to say it, but she kind of has a man face in these photos. Hopefully that gets fixed with age and visitors to ol’ Dr. Makemepretty. He’s the top Native American plastic surgeon around.

You know how cheerleaders are always wearing their sexy cheerleader outfits while doing cheerleader-related things? Not in the Monroe, Ohio school district.

At most schools there were pep rallies Friday ahead of the big games, complete with players in their jerseys and cheerleaders ]]>

You know how cheerleaders are always wearing their sexy cheerleader outfits while doing cheerleader-related things? Not in the Monroe, Ohio school district.

At most schools there were pep rallies Friday ahead of the big games, complete with players in their jerseys and cheerleaders in their uniforms.

But at Monroe, the outfits that are fine for the field don’t fly in the classroom.

While the cheerleaders were showing off their uniforms Friday night, they were not dressed that way earlier in the day at school.

Many wore long shorts and T-shirts, and then put their uniforms on over the top during their pep rally.

“You want to have students wear appropriate clothing during the educational period of the day, and then after school, wear the appropriate clothing for the event,” [Superintendent Elizabeth Lolli] said.

Wow what a stunner that a woman Superintendent would want to keep the nubile young cheerleaders in long shorts and t-shirts for as long as possible. I could see it being logical if you said they had to adapt the uniforms or something, but you can see the girls like that a day later. It’s not like they’re a part of some amateur stripping team or something (unfortunately).

On the plus side, erections during school hours have dropped a reported 563% according to statistics I just made up. When they get rid of Miss Hargrove’s pencil skirts, there will hardly be an engorged set of genitals to be found in the city.

Ladies and gentlemen, you owe it to yourselves to read this one…allow me to introduce you to Dirty Old Ira.

A 56-year-old New York Police Department dispatcher, who went by “Dirty old Ira” in Internet chat rooms, thought he was going to meet ]]>

Ladies and gentlemen, you owe it to yourselves to read this one…allow me to introduce you to Dirty Old Ira.

A 56-year-old New York Police Department dispatcher, who went by “Dirty old Ira” in Internet chat rooms, thought he was going to meet a 14-year-old girl at the Deptford Mall for a sexual tryst.

Ira Shimshi of Queens, NY was actually chatting with an undercover FBI agent, and was arrested Friday on charges which could send him to prison for life.

The arrest culminated a 10-month investigation that comprised of many sexually-explicit online chats, including one where he allegedly told the undercover officer that “14′s the new 18.”

Going to prison for life seems a bit much for a guy chatting online when rapists and convicted pedophiles who, you know, actually did things, can get paroled. Really though, if you’re a guy approaching 60, do you really think that some nubile 14 year old is going to be all like “YEAAHHHHH LET ME SEE THOSE TAFFY-ESQUE BALLS”? I guess I can kind of understand having a daddy fetish, but this is like having a grandfather fetish. Or a near-corpse fetish. And frankly, I’m not sure 14 year-old girls are capable of such mental deficiencies, no matter how much I want to believe.

I think you should probably knock two years off his sentence though for a humorous line like the “14 is the new 18″ one though. Any crime with a humorous little catchphrase should get some time off. Like technically all of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters committed a lot of murder, but he threw out some pun-filled quips so it was all okay. Life is funny like that sometimes.

As an avid watcher of pubescent girls’ underwear, this story troubled me. Disney released a pair of underwear for young girls in the UK with the phrase “Dive In” on the front of them.

Disney has sparked outrage by producing High School Musical ]]>

As an avid watcher of pubescent girls’ underwear, this story troubled me. Disney released a pair of underwear for young girls in the UK with the phrase “Dive In” on the front of them.

Disney has sparked outrage by producing High School Musical pants for young girls with the suggestive words ‘Dive In’ emblazoned across them.

The underwear, part of the hugely successful movie’s range of merchandise, has also been criticised by the NSPCC.

The packs of knickers are on sale in Asda, where Sue Ralph unwittingly bought some for her seven-year-old granddaughter in the Broadstairs, Kent, store.

Mrs Ralph added: ”I think it is inappropriate because you just never know who could be out and about and see that and just think it was a bit too enticing for a young child to be wearing.”

Um, I don’t know that I’d call it enticing. I’m pretty susceptible to ads (you should have seen all the violent homicides I committed for Klondike bars) but listening to what a pair of girls’ panties tells me to do is a bit far fetched. It’s like being a pedophilic Son of Sam.

I seriously doubt the kids are seeing the reference as one about hopping into a warm glass of cooch though. It’s really only parents that see this, make a big deal out of it, spread it to the media, and then continue to make the kids see themselves in a sexualized way. So while they’re trying to keep the kids safe, all they’re doing is further pressing the issue and exposing more kids to how “sexual” they can be in certain circumstances. It’s so easy to keep passing the buck to media and society when some of the problems lie within.

Taylor Momsen is of course the exception. That right thurr is womanly.

When I ask for feedback on this site, I always hear about how I don’t have enough sexy yet humorous stories about elevator breakdowns. Well, your prayers have been answered as 26 teen cheerleaders at the University of Texas got stuck in an elevator.

When I ask for feedback on this site, I always hear about how I don’t have enough sexy yet humorous stories about elevator breakdowns. Well, your prayers have been answered as 26 teen cheerleaders at the University of Texas got stuck in an elevator.

“Why so cheerious?”

Twenty-six teenage cheerleaders tried to cram themselves into an elevator at the University of Texas to see how many would fit, but then they got stuck and had to be rescued. One girl was treated and released at a hospital and two others were treated at the scene after the Tuesday night prank, officials said.

The group of 14-17 year-olds were attending a cheerleading camp when they decided to stuff themselves into an elevator at Jester Residence Hall on the UT campus. The elevator went down to the first floor but then the doors of the overloaded elevator wouldn’t open, officials said.

After a few panicked cell phone calls, police and firefighters were called to the scene and it took a repairman about 25 minutes to fix the door, police said.

UT officials didn’t think the prank was all that funny.

“It’s dangerous, actually,” said UT police spokeswoman Rhonda Weldon. “They’re lucky that that’s all that happened.”

Well, no, it’s probably not a funny prank for the girls any more since they almost suffocated on each other’s nubile bodies. And it’s horrific for everyone else involved too. Imagine the poor rescue worker who first thought he was going on a prank call, only to find himself suffering from the most uncomfortable rescue effort ever. “Watch your hand, Bill…steady…steady…they’re just victims…think of the old lady you had to pull out of the tree yesterday…it’s your job…professionalism…” That’s enough to traumatize a man.

Though these girls are underage so, unless you like a certain special type of Breyer’s ice cream, you better keep your thoughts pure, friend.

[Derby tip to on205th, a leader in cheerleader science]