While we understand the need to have weeknight college football games (especially while the NBA toils in relative obscurity), these Thursday night blowouts have been brutal.

Going into last night’s “mammoth” ACC showdown between Florida State and Boston College, the scores have been pretty lopsided, averaging right around 38-14. Only one game this year has been decided by one score—last week’s Virginia-Miami game that went down to the wire with the Cavs winning 28-21.

Of the other Thursday night spectacles, five have been decided 27+ points

Wisconsin 51 UNLV 17
Oklahoma State 37 Arizona 14
LSU 19 Mississippi State 6
Cincinnati 44 North Carolina State 14
Pittsburgh 44 South Florida 17
Oregon 43 Cal 15
USC 30 Cal 9
Arizona 48 UCLA 12
Virginia 28 Miami 21
Florida State 38 Boston College 7

Arguably the most exciting thing about Thursday night games this year had little or nothing to do with the actual game. The fake ref in capri pants running on the field during Arizona-UCLA.

There’s no real point here outside of complaining about crappy football. Just a simple rant and more or less an indictment on the NBA, which was supposed to start its regular season this week.

As you saw if you watched the piece all the way through, Hall entered rehab courtesy of WWE’s new policies regarding offering rehab to employees, regardless of their employment status (or lack thereof) with the company. But Hall has been in rehab ten times and, even though WWE has spent more on rehab for him than anyone else (according to WWE EVP Stephanie McMahon, well into the six figures), Hall continues to slide backwards.

Tough times for one of the more memorable performers in an industry full of colorful figures. Hall turned just 53 years old today.

Do Yourself a Favor and Watch the E:60 About Scott Hall [BroBible]

First things first: to help mark the new college football season, ESPN’s hub on Xbox Live is getting some fairly significant changes and editions, due later today. At the top of the list is an overhauled, revamped interface, and refined voice control for Kinect owners out there.

Though the real story here is the enhanced personalization options, to take the art of watching games to a whole new level. Additional features is as follows:

My Sports – You can better follow your fave sports and associated teams by designating channels, to then directly jump into any relevant games without any fuss or muss. There’s also a personalized feed that’s based upon your preferences, to again give you the info you actually care about.

Mini Guide – At the bottom of the screen are previews of everything that’s happening or has happened. Switching between games, and rewinding the clock to check out plays you’ve missed could not be easier.

Spit Screen – Because time is a precious commodity, you can now watch two games of your choosing simultaneously. It’s even possible to control both independently, meaning pausing and rewinding either or to not miss a single bit of the action.

Reminders and Live Alerts – Now you can tag games, to make sure you don’t miss anything, and for times when you have to, you’ll get instant score updates.

ESPN BottomLine – Because you can’t be on-top of it all, at all times, that’s where ESPON BottomLine comes in, to pass along breaking news and latest scores from pretty much everything else!

Sounds good? Hell, even I don’t follow college football and I’m excited already! But what about your poor saps who don’t have an Xbox 360? That’s where we come in.

All you have to do to be entered to win is keep a watchful eye on Guyism’s Facebook page because that’s where we’ll be giving it away. (You must be from the United States to be eligible.)

Cue Matt Millen–the same man who,

a) called Ron Jaworski a “Polack” on live TV
b) got into an argument with former Lions WR Johnnie Morton and called him a “faggot” in front of media members
c) drafted 1st round wide receivers in 3 straight drafts

Ok fine, that last one was just me adding gas to the fire.

8,900,000

In what is sure to be great news for parents trying to keep their kids from the online poker craze, a college dropout named Jonathan Duhamel won the World Series of Poker yesterday. The Canadian pro has worked odd jobs for more than two 2 years after dropping out of college. His primary source of income? Online poker.

67

67-year old Joe Morgan and his broadcast partner Jon Miller were kicked to the curb by ESPN yesterday. Miller was well-liked by fans, Morgan, not so much. His regular assault against statistics-based analysis of baseball was at times, mind-numbing. In fact, one of the more popular sports blogs in the world (until they shut their doors) was none other than a site called firejoemorgan.com.

91.3

It appears the Lions will lose Matthew Stafford for the rest of the season after he suffered a Grade 3 separation of his right shoulder against the Jets. Although he is seeking a second opinion from Dr. James Andrews in Alabama, this injury is actually worse than the one he had earlier this season. Without Stafford, the Lions lose their marquee player and a quarterback who carries with him an impressive 91.3 rating in just his second season of action.

27-21

The Bengals season got more disappointing last night after they fell just short in their comeback attempt against the Pittsburgh Steelers. On 4th and 5 with 40 seconds remaining, Jordan Shipley appeared to have caught a pass for a first down inside the 5 yard line. That is, until, James Harrison knocked it loose with a bone-jarring and legal hit. Ocho Cinco’s prediction of a Super Bowl run for his Bengals is starting to look like, uh, pretty stupid.

3

The hits just keep on coming for Auburn quarterback and Heisman front-runner Cam Newton. Foxsports.com is reporting that while Newton attended Florida, he had three separate instances of cheating. Not only did he turn in a paper that wasn’t his, but Newton followed that up by purchasing one off the internet. Cecil Newton, Sr. declined to comment on the story.

For ESPN producer Neil Goldberg, masturbating at home to porn simply wasn’t enough. He needed to get down and dirty and apparently, he needed do so outside his neighbor’s window (allegedly).

How naughty of you Neil.

The incident that led to the charges happened last month in the complex where he lives, Lt. Marshall Porter said Wednesday.

A woman walking her dog told police she saw a man standing on a stool and masturbating while peering in a window, Porter said. When the man saw the woman who witnessed the act, he stopped and went back inside his home, she told police.

Police investigated and identified Goldberg as a suspect. He admitted watching his neighbor get dressed in her bedroom, police said.

While I’m not one to judge, I can certainly tell you that “peeping tom masturbator” is not a position I currently list on my resume. I did once have “porn connoisseur” on the CV, but alas, no decent job offers came of it. I was really hoping to be a nipple fluffer, but I digress.

As for “naughty Neil” we understand that he is tag-teaming with former ESPN personality Jay Mariotti for a new book, “Two beaters, One jail cell”.

ESPN Producer Peered In Neighbor’s Window While Woman Got Dressed, Farmington Police Say [Courant.com]

24

In perhaps the worst tv network decision since allowing Outsourced on the air, ESPN is creating a subset just for women with espnW (24% of overall viewer-ship). There are a whopping two shows ESPN airs that have a majority female audience–National Spelling Bee and cheerleading competitions. I eagerly await Lifetime and Hallmark creating their own shows geared for male audiences.

121

Justin Verlander was certainly an innings eater for the Detroit Tigers this season. In his final start on Wednesday night, Verlander threw 121 pitches in 7 innings. But more amazing than that was the the velocity he displayed late in the game. According to MLive, he threw between 101-102 on his last four pitches. Obligatory, “he brings it hard and fast when the heat is on”.

50,000

Yes, even small children can get hurt playing football folks. It appears that the parents of then 10-year old Ryan Spence just weren’t aware of that tidbit of info when they took their son to practice. They claim in a 50,000 suit against the North Texas Youth Football Association and the coaching staff that their unconventional methods of practice led directly to a devestating knee injury for Ryan. The problem? The father himself was watching the entire practice unfold on the field as a pseudo coach. Hmmm?

22,000

Veteran Bears TE Brandon Manumaleuna was fined 22k for missing meetings before the Lions game. While that doesn’t seem significant for someone who has a 15 million dollar contract, Manumaleuna’s base pay is a little over 1 million this year. So in actuality, he lost 1/3 of his weekly game check. And again, we wonder why athletes go broke after they retire.

49

Number of students OSU coach Jim Tressel teaches twice a week during the season in an academic class. Amidst talks of coaches being overworked and stressed, Tressel is the only coach in major college football to do so in the fall semester. Considering his success over the years, maybe some other coaches should take note.

36

Months of probation ESPN personality Jay Marrioti will face after pleading no contest to a misdemeanor battery count. Originally, Marrioti faced seven total counts but it appears a deal was made with prosecutors to plead to one. See, it’s not only celebrities that get favorable treatment, even douchebag untalented journalists take advantage of the system.

Sideline reporter Erin Andrews’ contract with ESPN ends on July 1st. And just like any other free agent, it seems like she’s going to test the market.

The USA Today reported this morning that she’s received a number of other job opportunities including ones outside of sports.

Andrews says her preference is to stay in sports once her ESPN contract expires July 1. But she won’t “close the door” on entertainment opportunities.

Presumably, Andrews’ performance and stunning popularity on Dancing with the Stars has made her much more marketable to non-sports entities. Wouldn’t be surprised to see her go to E! and become the next Maria Menounos. Speaking of which, she seems pretty pumped up about Game 7.

Erin Andrews taking free-agent plunge {USA Today}

Watch as ESPN hilariously ridicules Molina as he rounds third base in an effort to score. Feel free to grab a beer and make a sandwich while the video plays.

Molina is none too happy about this clip and took to his MLB blog to whine about it.

I know I’m a public figure and I just have to take my lumps. But I would like those people at ESPN who, from a safe distance, make fun of players for a cheap laugh, to remember that players are actual people. With wives and mothers and fathers and children and brothers and sisters. My mother saw the clip. She doesn’t speak English so she asked Yadier’s wife what the announcer was saying. Yadier’s wife didn’t want to tell her. My mom was pretty upset. She didn’t understand why they were making fun of my running when there are so many other things I do every day to help the team win.

You know, had ESPN played “Fat” by Weird Al Yankovic, maybe then I’d feel some compassion for Molina. But this stuff about feeling bad for his family is smoke-filled coffeehouse crap. Listen Bengie, you seem like a good guy and if the worst thing that people are making fun of you for is your lack of speed, then you are doing a lot of good things in baseball and life in general. Laugh it off my man. If you’re lucky you can parlay this whole thing into a commercial with the Energizer Bunny or something.

Olsen, who was diagnosed with mesothelioma last year and had been undergoing chemotherapy, died Wednesday night, the Cache Valley Daily of Utah reported.

Since I’m not privy to football before 1980s, I’m more inclined to remember Merlin Olsen as Michael Landon’s buddy on “Little House on the Prairie” and as a color commentator for college football. I’ll also remember him every time I see Tony Kornheiser on PTI. Yes, I might be the only one who sees it but they have the exact same beard.

Am I wrong?

By the way, where the hell was the call-out to Ba-Ba Booey? Didn’t they see the O.J. Bronco chase. With all due respect to the Jerky Boys, it’s the greatest moment in prank call history.

(Much props to the fellas at IASID for the early morning tip)

Sportscenter gets used {It’s Always Sunny in Detroit}

And according to The Big Lead and Kornheiser’s own radio show, he’ll be suspended for a few days

Tony Kornheiser has been suspended from Pardon the Interruption for “some time” (read: a few days) due to his comments about Hannah Storm’s wardrobe last week. Kornheiser – who apologized to Storm the day after the kerfuffle – was missing from PTI yesterday (Dan LeBatard filled in) and he opened his radio show today by quickly addressing the matter. An ESPN spokesman confirmed the suspension, which is anticipated to be “a few days.”

We’re not sure which outfit Kornheiser was referring to when he made the statement, although, there is a plethora to choose from.

And just for good measure, here’s Hannah looking rather hot licking some frosting off a cake

I’m sure most of you are wondering who the hell Paul Shirley is and why we’re talking about him. He gained some notoriety as a journeyman NBA player and had a fairly successful blog for ESPN.com.

His willingness to be extremely honest with his play, the play of his teammates, and his situation in general made him popular.

But he recently penned an article for a site called Flip Collective about the Haiti relief effort that was just a bit out of bounds. I’m not doing it justice by just pulling 100 words, so I suggest reading the whole thing if you have a chance.

However, here is an excerpt for the lazy among you:

Dear Haitians -

First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded.

As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?

Sincerely,

The Rest of the World

Well, you can probably get the drift of the article from there. His employer ESPN was quick to pull the trigger on him releasing a statement this morning.

He was a part-time freelance contributor. The views he expressed on another’s site of course do not at all reflect our company’s views on the Haiti relief efforts. He will no longer contribute to ESPN.

That’s code for “Don’t let that flimsy Shanty door hit you square in the ass on the way out”.

Like yesterday when the Steve Phillips fiasco was all over the place, everybody was dropping in their .02.

But nobody, and I mean nobody had a rip quite like Yahoo’s Dan Wetzel

Of course, this is in reference to Brooke Hundley….the, how shall we say, “homely” looking production assistant who had a torrid affair with Phillips. Well, at least it was torrid in her mind.

on 205th recommends…

And then it dawned on me.

They must have been spurned in the past.

So I did some digging and you know what, I can’t say I blame them.

Harold Reynolds Facebook Status

“Huggin some interns”

Sean Salisbury’s Twitter

@Random Hot Chick: Wanna see this pic of my d#@^?

Chris Berman’s Facebook Status

“What the f#@^? Why does everybody have to walk around in the background? Jesus! God dammit!”

Scott Van Pelt’s Twitter

@Stuart Scott: “You see what had happened was” (did I say that right stu?)

Stacy Dales Twitter

@ESPN: Coach? You want me to fly coach? But Erin Andrews is in first class!

Rush Limbaugh’s blog

I think the media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well. They’re interested in black coaches and black quarterbacks doing well. I think there’s a little hope invested in McNabb and he got a lot of credit for the performance of his team that he really didn’t deserve.

Stuart Scott’s Facebook Status

Menage a Trois ladies? As cool as the other side of the pillow

by the way, watch this Stu Scott peephole video…hilarious

Want to tell your friends on facebook about the game last night?
Want to tweet about the umps missing that crucial call?
Want to rant about your hometown team on your personal blog

Sorry, if you’re an ESPN employee, those are no-nos…

Here are the specific guidelines according to the 4 letter network

Specific Guidelines

· Personal websites and blogs that contain sports content are not permitted

· Prior to engaging in any form of social networking dealing with sports, you must receive permission from the supervisor as appointed by your department head

· ESPN.COM may choose to post sports related social media content

· If ESPN.com opts not to post sports related social media content created by ESPN talent, you are not permitted to report, speculate, discuss or give any opinions on sports related topics or personalities on your personal platforms

· The first and only priority is to serve ESPN sanctioned efforts, including sports news, information and content

* Assume at all times you are representing ESPN

* If you wouldn’t say it on the air or write it in your column, don’t tweet it

* Exercise discretion, thoughtfulness and respect for your colleagues, business associates and our fans

· Avoid discussing internal policies or detailing how a story or feature was reported, written, edited or produced and discussing stories or features in progress, those that haven’t been posted or produced, interviews you’ve conducted, or any future coverage plans.

· Steer clear of engaging in dialogue that defends your work against those who challenge it and do not engage in media criticism or disparage colleagues or competitors

· Be mindful that all posted content is subject to review in accordance with ESPN’s employee policies and editorial guidelines

· Confidential or proprietary company information or similar information of third parties who have shared such information with ESPN, should not be shared

Any violation of these guidelines could result in a range of consequences, including but not limited to suspension or dismissal.

Vive la Freedom of Speech!

10) Wankery. Do you have an unfortunate interest in cringe-tastic pop culture that is in no way related to your subject matter? Well, by all means, share it with the rest of us. Remember, you are the guy with the mic. That means we deserve whatever you care to dish out, and you’re just so gosh darned precious, we can’t say no!

9) Sports radio affectations and repetition. There’s no reason to cut content for length or commercial sponsorship, or to repeat the name and whore pitch of the guest. But do it anyway! It makes everything seem much more professional, and in no way annoying or crass. Besides, there’s no way I was listening the first eight times. Ninth’s the charm!

8) Timelessness. Will your podcast take a wild swing in subject matter halfway through, from the introduction of a guest who is of prime interest to some portion of the audience? Make sure not to tell us when the change happens. How else would we get to know more about you?

7) Live to tape. Podcasting is just like a battle rap out on Eight Mile Road. If you can’t spit out your spiel the first try, or have a coughing fit, leave it all in, dammit. Podcasts are all about keeping it real, and making sure that no hint of professionalism creeps in. Testify!

6) Commercial sponsorship. You probably weren’t aware of this, but the vast majority of your audience is using your commercially sponsored podcast as the basis for a drinking game. Make us drunk, and your cash register sing, with all kinds of ill-fitting mentions!

5) Codgerdom. People who are technically advanced enough to listen to niche-oriented Web radio are also highly inclined to appreciate your sneering hate of Facebook, Twitter, Blogfrica, cell phones, pitch counts, and everything else that didn’t exist in 1975. Let’s hear that dander rise!

4) Unacknowledged homerism. Hey, just because you grew up as a fan of a certain laundry, that doesn’t mean you aren’t completely unbiased and able to weigh in on all teams and points. And just because that this considered opinion and approach will be completely indistinguishable from that of a mouth-breathing homer… just means that anyone who notices must be part of some jealous fan base that just wishes they could be in your group. Very refreshing!

3) Background noises. Can we hear some more of your kid yelling, your lawn mowing service, or your cell phone ringtone? Because that way, I know that you’re a real live human being, just like me… and without that, I just won’t be able to relate, really. Keep it real!

2) Producer arguments. That person you work with every day? By all means, pretend that they are either your best friend or worst enemy. Either way, it’s totally authentic, fantastically entertaining, and unique to podcasting. Well done, creative pioneer!

1) Poor call quality. Nothing makes the listener earn it more than having to endure someone on a crappy phone line going remote. It’s especially great if they can show us how important they are by driving, going through airport check-in, or dealing with personal affairs. That just tells us you’re important!

Feel free to add your own in the comments… and no, I don’t have a podcast of my own for you to listen to. Such a shame, really.

on 205th recommends…

It’s easy to say who the worst mouth jobbers who are, you know, working. But how about the folks that could bring the historical pain, preferably in an ESPN-challenging show where all parties will be convinced that their special brand of wonderfulness will be the reason why the show will win? That’s a show we’d all watch. And by we, I mean sports bloggers.

10) Emmit Smith. In the words of Pancho Villa, “Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.” The mere mention of his name still makes Steve Young shake.

9) Randall Cunningham. Many people don’t remember this, but the ex-Eagles great had a brief but memorable run on TNT commenting on NFL games that the Internets have not seen fit to include. Damn you, Internets!

8) Jayson Williams. Hey, let’s give the man something to live for. Besides, he brings his own shotgun. That’s got to count for something.

7) O. J. Simpson. Yes, I know (finally) doing time. But doesn’t that just mean he’s more open to speak freely and say something spectacular? I think it does. And hey, is it any more objectionable than letting Matt Millen on television?

6) John Madden. Just so long as we don’t have him talk about football. Because, really, nothing’s better than listening to an old man tell us he doesn’t know stuff. I’d also make him eat during telecasts.

5) Stephen A. Smith. Our trainwreck show needs VOLUME, and QUITE FRANKLY, no one says nothing with more ferocity than the man, the myth, the legend. Everything he says is important!

4) Rod Benson. Who? Why, just the best story in D-League history, which means he’s more than available for the gig. (What, you don’t know the D-League? Come on, you got to know the D-League.)

3) Hawk Harrelson. Just because the entire nation deserves to hear how wonderful the White Sox are. In an industry of truly regrettable homers, the Hawk might be the most annoying of the lot.

2) Howard Eskin. Oh, hell, I did find a more annoying homer. Philly Fan tends to get a raw deal from the national media — honestly, there’s nothing in this town that you won’t also see in other hardscrabble cities with bad memories, like Cleveland, Buffalo, Detroit, and they are significantly less irritating then the spoiled souls of Boston, New York and LA — but the fact that this man has cashed a check for talking about sports for decades now is the single best reason why the town does deserve what it gets.

1) Brian Collins. He’s my anchor, my hope, my reason for being, but only if he hasn’t gotten any better than this. And if he has, forget it, kid.