If you think this is something 'phenomenal,' I want you to know that I hate you.

She told Sacramento’s FOX affiliate that she wanted to “leave [her] mark on the world.”

“I’m no spring chicken anymore and I really haven’t done anything phenomenal,” Matthews said.

Matthews, along with 106 other Facebook friends, sought to break the Guinness World Record for comments, set on a June 2011 post by an Italian man.

Matthews ended up with 1,001,291 responses to a single post, nearly doubling the previous record of 529,335.

You can see FOX 40′s interview with Matthews here.

Kudos to Matthews. Not only did this take a lot of effort — to achieve that number of comments, Matthews and her friends would had to have commented an average of almost 10,000 times each — but it set a second world record she wasn’t even aware of: Achieving the least phenomenal thing to ever be referred to as “phenomenal.” Good work.

Woman Gets over a Million Comments on Facebook Post [FOX 40]

Nearly every brand of alcohol has a Facebook page and the vast majority have Twitter accounts as well. They often conduct giveaways both to lure more fans and to offer something in return to those that follow. But Bud Light, who already has over 2-million fans, is channeling Emeril Lagasse and kicking it up a notch. They’re offering someone a job via Facebook, and it’s a job with awesome perks and an undisclosed amount of money.

This is an open casting call to find the official Bud Light Hotel correspondent! The person we hire will receive a salary to star in a series of exclusive videos, branding from unique Super Bowl week experiences to blue carpet interviews and behind-the-scenes access to the Bud Light Hotel’s amazing parties! Here We Go.

Now that sounds like a job for me. I already submitted what is more than likely a failed casting tape to In Living Color, so why not take a run at this? If you want a chance to become the correspondent as well, just shoot a 30-second video and upload it to Bud Light’s Facebook page. Part of the selection process is how well the page community reacts to your video, so be sure to make it interesting! If all else fails, I may start begging all of you for “likes.”

Not sure if you care enough to enter? Does this video change your mind?

via Mashable

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

There used to be a time when you only heard “Happy Birthday” from friends and family you actually cared about. With the advent of Facebook and other social networks, all that has changed forever. Birthdays are more like those parties in elementary school, everyone’s invited. In fact, you might even get a couple of shouts from friends you haven’t seen since elementary school. But what does it all really mean?

We’re here to reveal the true intentions behind these messages, confirm all your worst suspicions and make Facebook birthdays more awkward than it already is.

7 Acquaintance
If you get a lot of these short messages, jump back in your cocoon, social butterfly, and develop some actual relationships. There are a few exceptions (maybe your friend is supplementing his birthday phone call with a quick Facebook nod), but most of the time, these half-assed greetings are part of the mindless routine Facebook users have grown accustomed to. You can actually tell how much of a f-ck they don’t give by counting the missing vowels and consonants from the phrase ‘happy birthday’.

WHAT THEY SAY…

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…

6 ALL CAPS
As you get older, you’ll start questioning how to feel about your ‘special day’. But you can always count on this jackass being more excited about it than you are. Think of it as a welcome distraction from your own apprehensive feelings towards old age. And if you’re annoyed, gently assure him that your wall isn’t Six Flags. More exclamation points don’t mean more fun.

WHAT THEY SAY…

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…

5 Show off
When you have a lot of people wishing you well on your born day, there’s always one dude who needs to let everyone know just how close you guys really are. Be a gracious friend and let the booger share some of that spotlight. Now, if your friend is genuinely reminiscing aloud about the good times over the Internet, that means the friendship has gone on for way too long. Time to de-friend.

WHAT THEY SAY…

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…

4 Opportunist
For some of our friends, the mention of a birthday or any kind of holiday triggers a kind of Pavlov effect. “Celebrating something? Uh oh, suddenly very, very thirsty”. Send this guy an event invite weeks before and his wall message becomes obsolete.

WHAT THEY SAY…

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…

3 Wise man say
As you get a year older, please believe you are not the only one reflecting on life. These words of wisdom come from the square in your social network who is desperately trying to grab a hold of any relevance to you or anyone for that matter. If it’s not the guy who can’t hang at parties, it’s the girl who’s too scared to go parachuting with the group or the guy who’s too broke to go to the islands; just trying to get a little word in about some potential danger so they have something to contribute. Nobody cares, yo.

WHAT THEY SAY…

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…

2 Foot in the door
When you’ve got a hundred notifications, you’re paying attention to your wall. Some of your friends will use that as an opportunity to say what they’ve been meaning to say for some time. But there’s a time and a place for everything. Don’t let them block the air flow from your lips as you blow out your virtual birthday candles with their crappy requests.

WHAT THEY SAY…

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…

1 Envy
By now, you’d rather not have so many people comment on your wall. But this last type of commenter proves the grass is always greener on the other side. Happy birthday, pal.

WHAT THEY SAY…

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…

I suppose it makes total sense, since the only folks who find Ford all that interesting these days (other that old school Star Wars flicks who still want the original movie, the VHS version, just to get their blood boiling) are older women, mom types, who are the ones who actually play such nonsense…

Personally, I can’t make heads or tails of what the hell is going on, mostly because I don’t play Facebook games and don’t know how they operate. All I know is that they’re not very interactive. At any rate, there goes any chance for a real Indiana Jones game in the near future, but then again, I guess we’ve already been enjoying one for a few years now, aka Uncharted.

In other news, the company that made the thing above, as well all the most popular Facebook games that we’ve only heard about in passing (seriously, do you anyone that actually plays FarmVille? I don’t), hasn’t had the best of times as of late. In recent months, it’s been discovered that that the drop off rate for Zynga’s games is pretty crazy, something like 90%. What in the hell?

Well, that’s most due to the fact that, apparently, the methods of tabulating actual game playing had been incorrect up until recently. Which meant there’s wasn’t as many players to begin with! Oops. Though more recently are reports that Zynga is simply a crap place to work at and work for.

Hence why PopCap, who makes that other super popular game that I again don’t personally know anyone who plays, aka Angry Birds (which at least APPEARS to be a video game on a fundamental level), said no dice when Zynga was interested in buying them, for $950 million in cold hard cash. Yikes.

Anyhow, here again is another very meta clip of Harrison Ford playing Uncharted 3, for Japan…

Let’s start things nice and pedestrian like: here’s a guy who was able to modify the game by turning off the AI, loaded the playing field with a ton of characters, and then turned the AI back on. The result is everyone beating the crap out of each other, with the camera simply pulled back and left rolling. It’s basically medieval Sims, though you can actually understand what the hell they’re saying…

Kotaku has a bunch of clips from the same guy. It’s a fun little distraction, for sure. Though you might also notice them mentioning another mod in which some other guy filled with the skies with about 50 dragons. Well, here’s that video as well…

And here’s another in which someone’s made his character small. Like REALLY small…

Next we have all the ways one can die in the land of Skyrim. 100 to be exact. It’s almost 15 minutes long, and I guarantee that you won’t be able to stop once you start. My fave include numbers 4, 7, 14, 19, 32, 35, 41, 46, 47, 92…

Now, a popular thing to do in Skyrim is collect stuff. Lots of stuff, to the point that many gamers are now bragging about how much stuff they have, mostly to flex their gaming rigs. Here’s an example in motion…

But here’s a guy who likes to collect the headless bodies of women, and then have them pose in various manners. And yeah, it’s about as creepy as it sounds….

As the above demonstrates, there’s cause for concern among some that the game might be used to entertain those with deviant tendencies. Not just with killing women, but kissing me, as ChristWire points out…

“The spells the player are taught are directly out of The Book of Wiccan and are far more dangerous than anything your child is watching on that Wizards at Waverly Place and Sabrina The Teenage Witch. When a player casts a spell, you will see the hand gesture is that of how homosexuals fling devil DNA juices at each other after a long night of fecal frenzy ass assassinations. This is subliminally teaching your children that they need to go in their rooms, demon whack their sin staff and produce sin milk into their hands and than fling it in the face of the first person they come in contact with after their taint tugging session.”

If it wasn’t clear, that article is a joke. ChristWire is basically the Onion for Christians. Though this is very real…

And finally, the best thing to those with mediocre picture taking skills and iPhone has finally hit Skyrim! Yay. Behold, Hipstamatic Skyrim…

First off, here’s another taste of the game, a trailer that does a great job of hitting home of expansive and awe-inspiring its vistas are. Even more so than Bethesda themselves; the following was cobbled together by a fan, perhaps to help make the insane amount of hours he’s put into the thing somewhat “justified”…

Next, who like bugs? Here’s a fine one, in which the horse in the beginning part of the game decides to just do his own thing…

And yet another involving Mr. Ed’s cousin…

Better yet, a flying wooly mammoth…

As if one needs further proof; man, the physics in the game is crazy sometimes…

Alright, since I too have officially become tired of stuff spinning in the air for no good reason, here’s a naked guy, falling from high above (and dying in an instant as a result)…

And the following is not a bug but something done on purpose; it’s what the game looks like, sans textures. Looks a lot that like that upcoming PSN game, Journey, which means it looks pretty awesome!

Unfortunately, the dude’s narration in the following is pretty grating (pro-tip: just because you can talk into the mic doesn’t mean you have to or should), but it is fun watching someone just punch a dragon to death…

And my last video is of NMA’s take on the subject. Nice to see that they’ve upgraded their models and the like!

Finally is something slightly different; a breakdown of a marathon Skryim section via Facebook. The entire thing can be seen here, though real quick; here’s how it starts…

… And here’s how it sorta ends…

You can see even more of these photos at Buzzfeed.

Reddit also points us to this collection of Photoshops from our friends at The Chive with what seems to be the same girl.

This girl is either the world’s finest troll or might have the most distorted view of reality society has ever seen. I’m really rooting for the latter. I enjoy terrifying people on the Internet as much as anyone, but there’s a point where even if it were intended to be funny, it still comes full circle back to being creepy. It’s like when you play ‘Gay Chicken’ with someone and they refuse to back down and you end up in a vaguely homosexual situation; just because it started ironically doesn’t mean the end result isn’t exactly what it looks like.

This Girl Really Likes Robert Pattinson [Buzzfeed]

Spoiler alert: Hot chicks don't use computers.

Using Facebook as a benchmark, the company looked at both men and women’s online habits with accepting friend requests that reveal personal information. And while 64.2% of women accept friend requests from strangers, only 55.4% of men typically do.

The number rises drastically for men when the stranger soliciting virtual friendship is a scantily clad woman. Conversely, women were equally or less likely to accept a strange request when met with an attractive male photo.

Other findings:
-Twenty-five percent of men allow everyone to see their accounts while only 16% of women do the same;
-Around 25.6% of men allow strangers to see their location compared to 21.8% of women;
-Overall, American men have more risky online behavior than their UK counterparts.

So the next time a random hot girl tries to find you online, it’s probably a good assumption that it’s not for your good looks and love of How I Met Your Mother, special though both may be.

Sexy Online Scams Render Men Stupid [Jezebel]

Familiar with Jetpack Joyride? It’s similar to what I was talking about yesterday, about iOS games that don’t break new ground, and are hardly a contender to one of the better offerings you’ll find on a DS or the like, yet are still fun little distractions, great for short bursts, when you need something to keep you occupied while waiting for the subway, or while on the can.

Anyhow, here’s what the game looks like…

Again, it’s nothing mind-blowing, but it’s oddly addictive nonetheless. Oh also, it’s totally free! Granted, the usual asking price of a dollar was hardly anything, but times are also tough, I know.

Though all you have to do is like Apple’s App Store page. And then you’ll get a code (haven’t done so myself, since I already own the game). Not sure how long this offer will last… I get the impression that there’ll be a new free game on a rolling basis, so act fast. Or simply wait till something else comes up that might be more your cup of tea?

We’re in a time and place where people let their entire lives play out on the Internet in a three-act, action packed train wreck that would even make Michael Bay comment, “really, brah?” Facebook, in particular, takes voyeurism out of the bushes with binoculars, and allows regular folks to have their corneas tattooed by things that shouldn’t be seen my anyone but a licensed therapist. Oversharing is to this generation as The Electric Kool-Aid Test was to rebellious youngsters in the 60’s.

The things that are posted on Facebook range from comedic to tragic, exactly like a good movie does, and allows for good, reactionary thoughts. Here are 7 honest reactions to common things that people post on Facebook.

7 Wedding Photos
Normal reaction: I’m really happy that someone I consider a friend (as deemed by Facebook) has found that special someone. I wonder why I wasn’t invited.

Honest reaction: I can’t believe that dude is getting laid on a consistent basis, and I’m here whacking off to his then fiancé, and now wife. I’ve really got to get my shit together and find a woman who I love… or at least a woman who knows how to handle my delicates when it comes time to do the laundry. Fuck Greg from high school! I’m gonna keep whacking off to his fiancé (now wife)!

6 Inspirational Quotes
Normal reaction: I’m glad she shared those well-timed words with me. I really needed them.

Honest reaction: Hmmm, a girl who used to give out handjobs in between the Slush Puppy machines in the cafeteria is now dishing out advice. A Ralph Waldo Emerson quote to boot: “always do what you are afraid to.” From the looks of all those malnourished kids you’ve got, you’re probably afraid of using condoms.

5 YouTube Videos
Normal reaction: That (baby, horse, bear, dwarf) is so (drunk, scary, funny, dead)!!!

Honest reaction: You see that number by the video that has eight zeros next to it? You see it? It say’s 100,000,000 views. You’ve just now seen this video? You’re definitely like Steve Buscemi’s character from Billy Madison. I’ve definitely gotta call you to apologize.

4 Vacation Photos
Normal reaction: Wow, that scenery is gorgeous. I’ve really got to set aside some time to visit Rome.

Honest reaction: Let me get this straight. It’s October, and you’re in Italy. Just because? Wonderful. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in this desk chair with bits of stolen office refrigerator sandwich under my fingernails, while the woman in the cubicle next to me smells like singed cat tail.

3 Biblical Quotes
Normal reaction: Billy is exactly like Tim Tebow. He should really consider going into a motivational speaking career.

Honest reaction: “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”

2 Food Photos
Normal reaction: Wow, that maple glazed pork shoulder with baby dill potatoes looks absolutely divine. You should try-out for Top Chef!

Honest reaction: If you’re showing me a picture of it going in, you might as well show me a picture of it going out, too! Because unless I can taste some of that slow-cooked, Ron Swanson-worthy cured meat, I’m interested in it as like it were fecal popsicle. I’m going to also start leaving anonymous messages on your tumblr so that you develop a food insecurity.

1 Slutty Self-Portraits
Normal reaction #1: Why does Darlene find it necessary to post pictures of herself in a g-string while sipping grenade shaped cocktails at the Hard Rock?

Honest Reaction #1: Darlene has the best Facebook profile ever! I’ve found myself tracing the shapes around her bikini top with my eyes looking for any glorious nipple slippage. Either that’s an areola or Darlene has a very seductively placed freckle.

(And we can’t leave out the ladies who lurk on the Web site, as well as our gay compatriots…)

Normal reaction #2: Chad certainly loves taking self portraits of himself making a duck face and pulling up his shirt to reveal his abs.

Honest reaction #2: Chad has definitely taken a picture of himself where he’s used a Sprite can as a frame of reference for “its” size.

I’ll go one step further from that first dude: Sometimes, I’ll add a girl on Facebook just to see her bikini photos. Or, even worse, if I add someone while I’m out, I’ll try to discretely find a way to look at their bikini photos so I have a better understanding of what we’re working with. I know people are like, “Oh, you should keep photos like that private!” but I disagree. I think there should be an app in which you bump phones and immediately give access for all of your bikini photos to a potential mate. That way, neither of you has to experience that, “Wait, you’re wearing leggings AND a push-up bra AND you’re not really a C cup?” moment that we all dread and occasionally wake up in cold sweats over at 26 years old.

So I’ve heard.

Gotta give it to Samberg, he didn’t pull too many punches. His best quality is his likeability so he can say shitty things about anyone. So long as he throws on a goofy smile, the whole world will laugh along, even when they’re the butt of the joke.

Check out the rest of our coverage of Facebook’s new products, including Timeline and the increased sociability in music, video, and more.

We’ll liveblog the news items as they happen…

-The keynote opens with Andy Samberg as Mark Zuckerberg
-1:20PM: Zuckerberg comes out and has an extremely awkward interaction with Samberg. Zuckerberg is laughing a lot in an effort to appear comfortable an jovial. It’s making me feel twinges of pain in my loins.
-1:25PM: Half a billion people used Facebook in one day last week, a record for the site. I’m assuming that doesn’t count the number of people posting that fucking “Yo Dawg” Xzibit picture yesterday.
-1:27PM: Zuckerberg is discussing the original Facebook profiles and how basic they are. As opposed to the riveting advancements from Facebook yesterday that led to me seeing 500 statuses about how confusing the new Facebook is. Now that’s progress!
-1:29PM: According to Zuck, Facebook is now about telling people “the story of your life.” The new feature designed to accomplish that is called “Timeline” and it features “all your stories, all your apps, and a new way to express who you are.” My virtual farm cultivation skills are really going to come in handy.
-1:32PM: Here’s a screengrab of the new “Timeline” feature:

That dog is Zuck’s “cover photo”. Uh, sure, why not.
-1:35PM: This “Timeline” shit is going to get really tragic if you’re one of those people who’s constantly bragging about relationships on Facebook. It’ll be like a slideshow of a Katherine Heigl movie.
-1:37PM: You can see everywhere you’ve been on a travel timeline. One would assume you’d have to be using Facebook Places to make that work. Aside: All of Zuck’s jokes are bombing. My favorite part of the presentation thus far.
-1:40PM: The timelines are going to emphasize using apps to aggregate data about yourself to churn out mini-infographics about trends. So if you make steak every day, the app will tell your timeline that. And if you eat nothing but salad, another app will call you a homosexual epithet.
-1:42PM: Zuck keeps saying “Express who you really are.” Meanwhile, some hipster artist is saying, “Yeah, express who I really am so long as they don’t interfere with your uniform design, right, Facebook?” Oh snarky imaginary hipster.
-1:43PM: He’s now sharing photos of himself on a roadtrip with his girlfriend. Oversharing!
-1:45PM: We’re now seeing a traveler and musician’s timeline. They kind of look like overly personal Tumblrs, complete with an infinite scroll.
-1:46PM: Here’s how the timeline of someone who runs a lot would look on Facebook mobile:

This girl is not the 12-year-old in question, thankfully.

The case accuses Facebook of being “guilty of negligence” and creating “a risk of sexual and physical harm” by providing her an avenue for her to do this.

Specifically, the lawsuit points to the site’s inability to keep children under the age of 13 out — even though Facebook technically doesn’t allow users under that age to join — and also claims it should raise the age limit even higher.

Facebook has yet to comment on the suit but legal experts that the compensatory payout could be substantial if Facebook were to lose.

While I certainly can’t begrudge the father for wanting to blame anyone but himself for his daughter’s bad choices in life, this case is built on a logical fallacy. We can’t penalize a Web site for doing the stuff it’s supposed to do, i.e. posting pictures and telling people what you’re up to (and, on a secondary level, attention whoring). We don’t go and sue the government every time a drunk driver kills someone because, well, if the road weren’t there, this wouldn’t have happened.

I hate to break it to this dad, but if your daughter was posting photos where she’s diddling herself on a fire escape, odds are she’d find ways to do similar things with or without Facebook. If anything, you should thank Facebook for not forcing her to go out on the street and put on events where large groups of people watch her do it. It’d be like a lemonade stand, only with way more guys with gross mustaches and hard drives with seven layers of encryption.

Dad of girl, 12, sues Facebook over her suggestive photos [BBC]

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Facebook: it’s a dangerous place. When Mark Zuckerberg wiped his ass with the privacy settings, thousands of people found themselves sharing things they never wanted to share. And with oversharing comes serious ownage. Here are 10 of the most vicious Facebook ownings I’ve ever witnessed.

10 Balls of Steel
You have to have balls of steel to cap a guy on Facebook after banging his girlfriend. You can just see the steam shooting out of Mark’s ears at this.

9 Revoke her PETA membership
This girl set herself up so hard with this it’s not even funny.

8 Work and Facebook
Work and Facebook: they aren’t friends. In fact, adding any authority figure is going to eventually bite you in the ass. Lesson 2: never piss off a gay boss.

7 Awesome analogy
Complaining about the inequality of the sexes is basically guaranteed to get you owned. This guy uses an absolutely awesome analogy to do it.

6 Teachers
If you want to talk sh*t about a teacher, pass a Goddamned note or something then at least if the recipient gets caught, he can swallow it. Hope that test worked out for you.

5 Parents and cops
Extra negative points if your dad happens to be a cop.

4 Self-ownage
And then there’s the example where somebody just owns themselves. Bro, get the message: it’s only getting worse from here.

3 Layers
This one has several layers: first the girl gets owned for driving a Volvo, then she gets owned by her parents, and then she gets owned by Darius. Impressive performance from everybody concerned.

2 Awesome setup
Some of these really make you feel bad for the poor schmucks. But not that bad.

1 Nothing is what it seems
One of the most titanic Facebook ownages of all time – poor dumb Bill thinks he’s being all smart trying to sneak around on his girlfriend, only to get smoked so hard he’s probably still in the hospital. Let this be a lesson to you: nothing on Facebook is what it seems. Didn’t we learn anything from all those fat chicks on Myspace?

Well, time not only for a change, and it’s up to you to make it happen! Via the Mass Effect Facebook page are six possible choices. Here’s contestant number one, and to see them all, simply click the Next prompt. Choosing Like is essentially casting your vote. And here they are…

… They’re all fairly similar, but it’s all in the details. As the helpful folks at Reddit have pointed out, one can detect hints of Natalie Portman, Alison Brie, even Janet Jackson.

At the moment, the Gillian Jacobs wannabe (choice number 5) is the far away lead at almost 29,000 votes! So if you’d rather have Ms. Jackson instead, cast your vote ASAP.

So it seems like a good time to remind you that, even though this is the Internet we’re talking about, and even though it’s still the closest thing computers have to the “wild west,” you still need to make sure you’re not a total rebel.

Because, as a 10-year-old Netherlands kid learned over the past week when he signed up for Google+ despite not being old enough (13 is the minimum age), if you don’t abide by Google’s Terms of Service AND Google+’s Community Guidelines, you could end up in some really annoying trouble.

Why? Because Google+ is — duh – attached to your Google Account.

That means Google+ is attached to your Gmail account, your Google Reader account, your YouTube account, your Google Docs account, your Google Calendar account, your — well, you get the point.

If you use Google a lot (and you probably do, like the rest of the world), then you need to remember that if you do something that violates those rules, you’ll lose your entire account.

What violates those rules? Well, nudity/sexually explicit content does, of course, and so does hate speech. But if you violate something relating to a copyright law (I dunno, post an NFL video that’s not from the NFL?) you could get booted.

If you engage or promote dangerous or illegal activities — and, by the by, there’s absolutely no clarification about that, so don’t start talking about wrestling alligators! — you could get kicked off.

You can’t impersonate anyone, sigh.

And you can’t have a racy profile pic; Google says, “For example, do not use a photo that is a close-up of a person’s buttocks or a woman’s cleavage.”  (Yes, it would be interesting to see what they would do if you made Ween’s “Chocolate and Cheese” album cover your profile pic.)

The point is this, though: we’re dealing with something far more powerful than Twitter or Facebook now, because those were simply one-stop locations for your social networking. Creating a new profile at Facebook or Twitter is a ball-breaker, but it’s not a dealbreaker.

Losing every email contact and every calendared event and every important document you’ve ever created online? Whole different ballgame, people.

You, dear reader, need to double-check whatever’s on your Google profile.

Like, immediately. Why?

Well, it’s going to be the very first thing that anyone finds when they search for you on the web.

For instance, I take pride in people’s ability to find me on the web. I’m not like the most-searched blogger/writer in the history of the planet or anything, but if family, friends and angry readers go looking for my email address, I want what they find to be decently presentable.

Because Google owns all our searches, though, guess what’s the brand-new, No. 1 result when you search for “Will Brinson”? Yup, you got it — my Google profile (aka my Google+ profile). This is a BIG change from years past, when Facebook, Twitter and, naturally, WillBrinson.com were the top results.

And, conveniently, there was a search engine update yesterday … just in time for Google+’s launch! Remember, we might love what Google does, but we don’t always have to trust them.

At any rate, here’s what I suggest for you. If you’re a person who doesn’t want people searching for them, go to your Google profile and make it as private as possible. (This is just like where you make your Facebook profile private.)

If you’re a person who doesn’t care one way or the other what people find about you, go to your Google profile and at least clean up what’s there — I got my narcism on one day and found out that I hadn’t edited mine, and there was some stuff on there from like six years ago, and I was terrified. So double check it.

And, finally, if you’re like most normal people and would LIKE something that exists when people search for your name, go fire up your Google profile, make it public and update it with all the relevant information you want.

Google+ might not destroy Facebook anytime soon — or, won’t, but whatever — but that’s not going to stop them from deciding what the first result is when you search for everyone’s name.

Valdez barricaded himself and the hostage in an Ogden, Utah motel to avoid being arrested on a warrant for felony drug charges.

In addition to the above status, Valdez posted a picture of hostage with the caption, “Got a cute ‘Hostage’ huh.”

Some of Valdez’s friends followed along, even telling Valdez where SWAT units were mobilizing.

The situation ended when Valdez shot himself as SWAT units moved into the motel room. Valdez is currently in critical condition.

You can see more on the full blow-by-blow at the Associated Press.

I’m just glad that social media has come so far that we can not only encourage the idiotic life decisions of loved ones via the Like button, but we can also then mock them after the fact because it lives on in perpetuity. It brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

One of the SWAT guys should have been ironic and done the ol’ prank of declaring Valdez was gay on his Facebook after they apprehended him. Double whammy!

Man takes hostage for 16 hours, updates Facebook [CNET]

But in Germany recently, a Facebook event became a viral sensation thanks to a teen’s inability to make said event private, which resulted in 1,500 people showing up in her backyard for her birthday.

Naturally, like any teenager, “Thessa” freaked out and took off running. (Perhaps she was freaked out by the crowd chanting her name and/or holding signs asking where she was?)

Thankfully though, there were 100 police officers available to control the unruly crowd of nerds.

“Eleven people were temporarily detained, one police officer was injured, dozens of girls wearing flip-flops cut their feet on broken glass and firefighters had to extinguish two small fires at the 16th birthday party in Hamburg,” police spokesman Mirko Streiber said.

But here’s the thing: there were 15,000 people that said they’d show up for the party, so the girl and — I assume — her parents actually got kind of lucky.

Especially if the other 13,500 people were interested in acting like the bunch of freakshows that actually rolled out to the house.

“We had cordoned off the house, some 100 police were on the ground, four of them on horses — but that did not keep the kids from celebrating,” Streiber told the AP. “[T]he party was a hit.”

Except for Thessa anyway.

11 Detained After Unlocked Facebook Party Goes Viral – [The Atlantic]