Pot smoking is illegal so, unless you have a medicinal license, you should obviously never smoke it. BUT! If you were to smoke it, you should probably not do it like this guy taking a big rip of a bong.

I find it adorable how this guy failed so ]]>

Pot smoking is illegal so, unless you have a medicinal license, you should obviously never smoke it. BUT! If you were to smoke it, you should probably not do it like this guy taking a big rip of a bong.

I find it adorable how this guy failed so hard at taking a big hit. It’s like when you see a kid toddling his way around on a bike, falling over and such. Only you didn’t have to do this one while looking through binoculars and drinking slowly out of a whiskey flask.

This may very well be the most epic bit of Facebook shenanigans ever. The story: Some girl named Aimee apparently sucks enough that several people would berate her for countless status replies, yet she would read them, reply, and not defriend them or anything. You’ll want to see this one. ]]>

This may very well be the most epic bit of Facebook shenanigans ever. The story: Some girl named Aimee apparently sucks enough that several people would berate her for countless status replies, yet she would read them, reply, and not defriend them or anything. You’ll want to see this one.

Note: Click the image to see a wider version in case this text is too small for you

I don’t even know what snarky comment to put after that. Frankly, if you’re not saying “I’m crying MURDERS…of YOU!” in casual conversation after seeing this, then I have no clue what I’m accomplishing here.

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Washington State’s Department of Child Services has an intricate list of its worst offenders, breaking down where exactly they’ve failed at life. I can take one guess, looking at Rodney McClanahan’s occupation, why he’s not exactly rolling in dough.

In his defense, wearing eyeglasses can be ]]>

Washington State’s Department of Child Services has an intricate list of its worst offenders, breaking down where exactly they’ve failed at life. I can take one guess, looking at Rodney McClanahan’s occupation, why he’s not exactly rolling in dough.

In his defense, wearing eyeglasses can be a pretty tricky endeavor. They’re on, they’re sliding off, sometimes you have to take them off for dramatic effect then put them back on so the gentleman you’re with won’t give you pink eye. Very tricky. But not really a revenue generator.

At the same time, if you’re letting a guy making $234 a month blow loads into you, you probably deserve to be getting stiffed on child support payments. Your cooch is about as valued as a penny pulled out of a vagrant’s rectum.

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I always enjoy when girls try to do a sexy dance on a bar when drunk, if only because it’s never quite as sexy as Coyote Ugly would have led you to believe. Here’s further proof.

I feel like the types of girls seriously injuring themselves in viral videos ]]>

I always enjoy when girls try to do a sexy dance on a bar when drunk, if only because it’s never quite as sexy as Coyote Ugly would have led you to believe. Here’s further proof.

I feel like the types of girls seriously injuring themselves in viral videos is generally the less-attractive type, so I’m glad to see equal representation for the hotties out there. They’re standing up and saying, “Yes, we too can look like complete assholes on widely disseminated videos.” It’s almost heroic. Well, assuming you have really bad heroes, like your uncle with the wandering fingers or Abraham Lincoln. Yeah we get it, stovepipe hats are so cool. Why don’t you rub our faces in it a little more? Dick.

I don’t know about you, but if I ever get into a car chase, I’d like to be clad in a tuxedo, just to mess with people’s expectations. Because then there’s the other end of the spectrum, which is this Sacramento woman, sexily clad in her best bikini.

Mulleted, ]]>

I don’t know about you, but if I ever get into a car chase, I’d like to be clad in a tuxedo, just to mess with people’s expectations. Because then there’s the other end of the spectrum, which is this Sacramento woman, sexily clad in her best bikini.

Mulleted, tankini, pudgy, perpetually drunk-looking, and in a stationwagon with four flat tires. I’m pretty sure that’s the official dress code of white embarrassment. In fact, any one of those things should probably be enough to make you realize you’re on a path to self-destruction, but all five is basically like saying, “Fuck you, world, I gave up on pleasing you a long time ago.”

I bet being in a police chase is fun though. Especially if you go somewhere with a lot of ramps. In fact, if I ever get into seriously trouble with the cops and have to get away, I’m going to Merle’s Ramp Emporium. By which I mean I’ll be so stoned the f out of my mind that I’ll be passed out in the car on the side of the road almost immediately, envisioning a world of colorful ramps that talk and offer encouraging advice. Either way, those cops won’t know what hit ‘em.

As a trained mixed martial artist (seriously, I dare you to punch me in the face…DARE YOU *assuming you’re not a large black dude ), I know fighting (and also colored belt selection). With that in mind, I can tell you that the mulleted gentleman in this video was not ]]>

As a trained mixed martial artist (seriously, I dare you to punch me in the face…DARE YOU *assuming you’re not a large black dude ), I know fighting (and also colored belt selection). With that in mind, I can tell you that the mulleted gentleman in this video was not exactly prepared for this boxing match.

To call this “boxing” is a discredit to all of the kangaroos out there who have honed their craft under the careful tutelage of guys dressed like Crocodile Dundee with tasers and the willingness to torture a Kangaroo. To put up a fight this poor could only come from a guy whose trainer was Jodie Foster’s character in The Accused.

On the plus side, um…that is a rad mullet. And he didn’t knock himself out while climbing through the ring ropes or end up desecrating an Indian burial ground AND he got knocked out as though he were a preliminary opponent in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. So, those are pretty big wins comparatively.

In my usual daily searches for handsome men stripping, I came across this video. This is how not to give a sexy pole dance for your whore girlfriend who has a stripper pole in your bedroom.

This is why you leave the stripping to the professionals. Sure, you might ]]>

In my usual daily searches for handsome men stripping, I came across this video. This is how not to give a sexy pole dance for your whore girlfriend who has a stripper pole in your bedroom.

This is why you leave the stripping to the professionals. Sure, you might be athletic or even sexy. But there’s years of daddy hating, self-loathing, and awkward blowjobs being given to Persian men with their club shirts unbuttoned while you smell their swampy balls and old spice cologne that really make the strippers able to do what they do. It’s a mental game. Hunger for money and hating to look at yourself in the mirror are basically the equivalent of being tall and jumping high in the NBA.

A lot of people waste a doctor’s time with their various “Oh I have a bump on my arm” or “Ohhh I have a shard of glass sticking out of my head” bullcrap reasons for a visit. And this guy seems to be no exception. But the doctor is having ]]>

A lot of people waste a doctor’s time with their various “Oh I have a bump on my arm” or “Ohhh I have a shard of glass sticking out of my head” bullcrap reasons for a visit. And this guy seems to be no exception. But the doctor is having none of his shenanigans any more.

I try to avoid the doctors whenever I can because, really, it’s not like you can catch AIDS twice. But they’re always such dicks. Like you never have a doctor who’s like excited to see you, unless you’re a 20 year-old sorority girl and your gynecologist finally gets a break from the 70 year-old cooches that look like rotting slices of ham. It’s always “Yeah yeah, what’s wrong, bend over” and you’re like, “But doctor, I just came in for this wrist injury…that doesn’t feel like a gloved finger at all! Oh..oh…no…oh…OH STOP!” But he doesn’t stop. Anyway, my wrist still hurts.

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Mascots are always fun with their flips and their costumes and doing silly things like, I dunno, wearing a costume and doing flips. Something about people in costumes just amuses me. Well, the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks’ mascot Bango was a part of an awesome trick shot during the NBA All-Star ]]>

Mascots are always fun with their flips and their costumes and doing silly things like, I dunno, wearing a costume and doing flips. Something about people in costumes just amuses me. Well, the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks’ mascot Bango was a part of an awesome trick shot during the NBA All-Star Game which ended in tragedy.

You see, Bango tore his ACL and will now have to undergo surgery in March (note him rolling around in pain after falling through the hoop). And usually injuries like this are gruesome and tough to watch. But because he’s in an adorable costume, it seems like fun and whimsy! A mascot could have been behind JFK’s assassination and I’d be like, “Ha ha look at him over there with his widdle sniper rifle! He’s so wacky and good at distracting me from life’s worries!”

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There’s failure and then there’s epic failure to the point of exhaustion. This South Korean grandmother who’s failed her driving test 771 times would certainly fall into the latter category.

A dogged South Korean grandmother has failed her driving test 771 times, police said Thursday, but ]]>

There’s failure and then there’s epic failure to the point of exhaustion. This South Korean grandmother who’s failed her driving test 771 times would certainly fall into the latter category.

A dogged South Korean grandmother has failed her driving test 771 times, police said Thursday, but a local newspaper reported she will keep trying.

The 68-year-old, identified only by her last name Cha, has taken the test almost every working day since 2005 in the southwestern city of Jeonju. She failed again Monday for the 771st time.

“It was a record-breaking number here,” Choi Yong-Cheol, a police sergeant supervising the test in the city’s Deokjingu district, told AFP.
“I wonder if she will try it again for a 772nd time.”
The Korea Times said Cha will in fact be back for another attempt.
Choi said that Cha cannot pass the preliminary written section of the test, averaging scores of 30-50 whereas the pass mark is 60 out of 100.

Local media said that Cha sells food and household items door to door at apartment complexes, carrying the items in a handcart, but wants to get a car for her business.

Police estimate she has spent almost five million won (3,600 dollars) to take the written test, with each test costing 6,000 won in addition to other expenses.

Whoa an Asian woman can’t drive? Holy crap stop the presses I’ve never heard of such a crazy news story. What next, a black guy becoming a star in the NBA or a white guy with a wispy moustache f’ing an underaged boy? Will wonders never cease?!?!

Also did you know that people once believed that Asian women had a horizontal vagina? This really has nothing to do with the article but I’d really like to just throw that out there. No punchline just…yeah…horizontal vagina. Think about it.

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Via Deadspin comes this clip of a halftime show at a home game of the NBA’s Oklahoma Thunder with “escape artist” Kristen Johnson a couple weeks back. The term is in quotes because, well, this doesn’t speak well for her escape abilities.

She survived because apparently, ]]>

Via Deadspin comes this clip of a halftime show at a home game of the NBA’s Oklahoma Thunder with “escape artist” Kristen Johnson a couple weeks back. The term is in quotes because, well, this doesn’t speak well for her escape abilities.

She survived because apparently, despite what the Liberal Water Media would lead you to believe, water can’t kill you. Or this lady is a Highlander. Either way, water really got made to look like an asshole. It’s bad PR for water…people’ll probably just laugh in its face the next time they’re drowning in an ocean, a pool, or after embarrassingly slipping headfirst into their toilet.

I’m not saying being an escape artist is easy but if you can’t do these tricks regularly you may want to avoid doing them. Unless you’re an attention whore and want to commit suicide in a really dramatic way. Man that’d be awesome, if you conned some large event into letting you do some dramatic trick involving fire and monster trucks driving over you and midgets doing cartwheels and crap. This is what Dr. Kervorkian should have done if he had a bit more ambition and showmanship. Damn suicide doctors, learn how to put on a show!

I saw the Fox show Prison Break (actually I didn’t but let’s pretend) so I think I know a little bit about escaping from jails. How these two New Zealand convicts attempted to get away is how not to do it.

Two New Zealand prisoners who were handcuffed together ]]>

I saw the Fox show Prison Break (actually I didn’t but let’s pretend) so I think I know a little bit about escaping from jails. How these two New Zealand convicts attempted to get away is how not to do it.

Two New Zealand prisoners who were handcuffed together as they fled a courthouse foiled their own getaway when they ran to opposite sides of a light pole, slammed into each other and fell to the ground.

Jailers nabbed them as they struggled to their feet.

Their escapade on Wednesday was captured by a CCTV camera at Hastings District Court on New Zealand’s North Island. The footage shows the two men trying to make a break for it – but apparently forgetting they were joined at the wrist.

Hastings police Senior Sgt Dave Greig said one inmate, Regan Reti, 20, had just been sent to prison for more than two years after being convicted of assault.

The other inmate, Tiranara White, 21, was in custody for allegedly stealing a car and violating parole.

“As they were being led from the Hastings police cells … they made a bolt for freedom,” Greig told The Associated Press on Thursday.

“They fell over and they were sprayed with pepper spray. But they got up and ran out of the court onto the street, across the road to a car park,” he said. “That’s where they met the pole – it was all over, rover.”

Just for the record, this Sergeant is a douche. Is it over, Rover? Is it really?

But yeah, good God is that incompetent. You finally make a break for it and actually get to the jail’s perimeter only to make an error that probably would have happened to the Three Stooges. I get that you’d be excited to get away from the sodomy and mediocre meals and whatever, but there have been more graceful bounds to freedom in competitions teaming up retarded kids for a three-legged race.

So here’s your one post with the best stuff I can find while searching briefly. Hopefully it’ll be enough to get you through the day, but if not, well, you can die. I’m not saying you should, but you can.

Inappropriate Map is inappropriate

This map comes from a hotel, ]]>

So here’s your one post with the best stuff I can find while searching briefly. Hopefully it’ll be enough to get you through the day, but if not, well, you can die. I’m not saying you should, but you can.

Inappropriate Map is inappropriate

This map comes from a hotel, I dunno, somewhere on Earth. And it seems as though the map is, perhaps, conveying a message the designer did not quite intend. Or did, depending upon how much he really likes to trumpet the cause of surprise sodomy.

I haven’t seen a map so enrapturing since I took that that set visit to Dora the Explorer. With Map’s subtle charms and lengthy land mass, I knew it was love at first sight.

Awful diving failure

Polish people doing dumb things? Finally jokes have come to reality!

It’s truly stunning to see complete idiocy in its natural form. It’s like walking in on a lemur eating or bears doing calculus or whatever the f bears do on their free time. Utterly majestic.

Dog masturbates for camera’s amusement

Did you know that dogs can masturbate? Well, in this NSFWish (assuming your office doesn’t allow dog masturbation in which case, how does it feel working in Soviet Russia) video, a dog explores the finer points of self-abuse.

I bet that’s a pretty cool party trick the first time. Maybe even the first five times. But if you wake up to your dog blowing a load on your cheek, it probably got much less adorable and much more sexy. I MEAN DISGUSTING.

Also that is quite a nicely endowed Chihuahua. That crap is like as long as his leg. No wonder he’s whipping it out for all to see. He should walk around with a picture frame around it to make sure that everyone is truly soaking it all in. Assuming chihuahuas have pride in such things. It’s about time they move on from their obsessions with burritos and chalupas.

A Utah man tried to kill his family WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS! Yes, even more hilarious than if he had actually killed them.

If at first you don’t succeed try, try again. That’s usually a positive piece of advice, but it’s something a Salt ]]>

A Utah man tried to kill his family WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS! Yes, even more hilarious than if he had actually killed them.

If at first you don’t succeed try, try again. That’s usually a positive piece of advice, but it’s something a Salt Lake man should have avoided after an argument.

Last Saturday, Robert Craft was a little ticked off and slapped his 11-year-old daughter.

“It appears that there was an adult son who was present, who tried to step in and intervene in the situation,” said Deputy District Attorney Alicia Cook.

Cook says that made Craft angrier, so he pulled out a chainsaw. But he couldn’t get it started, so he tossed it and tried starting a weed eater.

No luck there. He even tried hitting his wife with his car, but she got out of the way. Craft now faces felony assault charges and assault in front of a minor.

It’s pretty sad when you commit to killing members of your family but are unable to follow through. The police tend not to like it either with their “attempted” manslaughter charges. This guy had a bad enough day, now you’re going to arrest him for stuff he couldn’t even achieve? And he has to be in jail for years as a painful reminder of how bad he sucks at life? Jeez, guys who try to kill their families can’t catch a break. Unless they’re rich and end up not going to jail, which happens pretty regularly! Then they get a pretty big break! Society’s pretty fair when you can afford ways to cheat the system.